You Don’t Lose People. You Return Them | Stoic Philosophy

Summary

This video script delves into Stoic philosophy, examining the concept of attachment and loss through the lens of Anakin Skywalker's story in Star Wars. It discusses the Stoic view on the irrationality of strong emotional attachments, the perils of seeking control over the uncontrollable, and the importance of reason over passion. The script offers insights on how to cope with loss by challenging our perceptions of possession and advocating for a balanced approach to grief, underlining the Stoic pursuit of emotional freedom.

Takeaways

• 🌌 The script explores the theme of attachment and loss through the lens of Anakin Skywalker's story in Star Wars, illustrating the dangers of extreme emotional attachment.
• 🧐 Stoic philosophy discourages strong attachments to things beyond our control, such as people, as it leads to suffering when we cannot control the outcomes.
• 🤔 The fear of loss, exemplified by Anakin's fear of losing Padmé, is a common human fear that the Stoics argue stems from irrational thinking and can lead to distress.
• 📚 According to Epictetus, wishing for loved ones to live forever is 'stupid' because it is an attempt to control the uncontrollable, which is a futile endeavor.
• 💔 The natural human response to loss can be intense grief, but Stoicism posits that this is a consequence of irrational judgments about what is truly 'ours'.
• 🔗 Attachments to people can lead to a sense of ownership and entitlement, which is problematic when we consider that we cannot truly control others or their actions.
• 🛡 From a Stoic perspective, Anakin's actions are driven by his desires, making him a slave to his attachments rather than being truly free.
• 🏆 Stoicism encourages us to act from reason rather than being dictated by external circumstances, attachments, and disabling emotions.
• 🤝 The script suggests that our attachments are often selfish, driven by our own interests rather than the well-being of the other person.
• 🕊 The Stoic view is that we do not 'lose' people but rather 'return' them, as they were never truly ours to begin with, reflecting a shift in perspective on ownership and control.
• 🧘‍♂️ Stoic practice involves purifying our judgments and detaching from external things, including people, to achieve a state of inner peace and freedom from the passions.

Q & A

What is the central theme explored in the video script?

The central theme is the contrast between Stoic philosophy and the strong emotional attachments depicted in the Star Wars prequels, particularly focusing on Anakin Skywalker's attachment to Padmé Amidala.

How does Anakin Skywalker's fear of losing Padmé influence his actions?

Anakin's fear of losing Padmé is so intense that it drives him to betray the Jedi Order and turn to the Dark Side, hoping to prevent their separation.

What do the Stoics believe about strong attachments to things beyond our control?

Stoics discourage strong attachments to things beyond our control, including people, because such attachments lead to irrational thinking and emotional suffering.

According to Epictetus, why is wishing for the eternal presence of loved ones 'stupid'?

Epictetus believes it is 'stupid' to wish for the eternal presence of loved ones because it involves trying to control the uncontrollable and hoping for the impossible.

What is the Stoic perspective on the fear of loss and grief?

The Stoics view the fear of loss and grief as consequences of irrational thinking. They advocate for emotional detachment from things not in our control to avoid such distress.

How does the script describe the general attitude toward strong emotional attachments in society?

The script notes that strong emotional attachments are often celebrated and normalized in society, likely due to our biological wiring to bond with other human beings.

What example from the script illustrates the problematic nature of strong attachments?

Anakin Skywalker's extreme actions, including betraying the Jedi Order and causing destruction to keep Padmé in his life, illustrate the problematic nature of strong attachments.

What does Epictetus advise regarding possessions and loved ones?

Epictetus advises that we should see everything, including loved ones, as temporary and not truly ours. He suggests practicing detachment to avoid emotional pain.

How does the Stoic view of loss differ from the general perspective?

While the general perspective sees loss as something being taken away, the Stoics view it as returning something that was never truly ours.

What advice does Seneca give regarding grief?

Seneca advises a middle way in dealing with grief: to feel regret but also to restrain it. He emphasizes the importance of studying philosophy to heal emotional wounds.

Outlines

00:00

🌌 The Dark Side of Attachment: Anakin's Story

This paragraph explores the theme of attachment and loss through the lens of Anakin Skywalker's tragic romance with Padmé Amidala in the Star Wars prequels. Anakin's intense fear of losing Padmé leads him to betray the Jedi Order and embrace the Dark Side. The Stoic philosophy is introduced as a counterpoint, advocating for non-attachment to things beyond our control, including people. The Stoics, particularly Epictetus, argue that irrational thinking causes the distress of grief and that true freedom comes from acting out of reason rather than being enslaved by desires and attachments. The paragraph also touches on the natural human tendency to form bonds and the problems that arise from emotional attachments, such as Anakin's, which ultimately lead to suffering.

05:02

📜 Stoic Insights on Ownership and Loss

The second paragraph delves deeper into Stoic philosophy, particularly the teachings of Epictetus, regarding the concept of ownership and the impermanence of external things. It discusses how people often feel entitled to the presence of those they care about, despite the fact that true ownership is an illusion, as everything external is subject to change and loss. The paragraph uses the example of Anakin's desire for ultimate power to control the things he cannot, highlighting the futility of seeking control over what is inherently uncontrollable. It also examines societal views on passionate love and the Stoic perspective on the passions, which are seen as problematic and arising from irrational judgments. Epictetus advises practicing non-attachment from the smallest things to the most significant, including loved ones, to achieve inner freedom and peace.

10:06

💔 Moderating Grief: Stoic Approach to Loss

In the final paragraph, the focus shifts to how Stoicism addresses the experience of grief and loss. It contrasts the ideal of a dispassionate Stoic sage with the reality that most people will naturally grieve when faced with loss. Seneca's letter to his mother, Helvia, during his exile offers a nuanced view on dealing with grief, suggesting a middle way between endless mourning and unnatural indifference. Seneca encourages moderate grieving and taking responsibility for one's emotional well-being through the study and application of philosophy. The paragraph concludes by emphasizing the Stoic practice of purifying judgments to prevent unnecessary suffering and the importance of understanding that people and things are not truly ours to possess or lose.

Keywords

💡Attachment

Attachment refers to the emotional bond that Anakin Skywalker has with Padmé Amidala in the Star Wars prequels. This attachment drives his fear of losing her, ultimately leading him to make destructive choices. In the context of the video, attachment is explored through the Stoic perspective, which warns against strong attachments to people or things outside our control as they can lead to emotional turmoil and irrational actions.

💡Stoicism

Stoicism is an ancient philosophy that teaches the development of self-control and fortitude to overcome destructive emotions. The video contrasts Anakin's intense attachment and fear of loss with Stoic teachings, which advocate for maintaining equanimity and detachment from things outside our control, including relationships with others. Epictetus, a prominent Stoic philosopher mentioned in the video, argues for focusing on what we can control and accepting what we cannot.

💡Fear of Loss

Fear of loss is a central theme in Anakin Skywalker's story, where his fear of losing Padmé drives him to extreme actions. This fear is examined through the lens of Stoicism, which views such fear as irrational and counterproductive. The video discusses how the Stoics believe that fearing the loss of loved ones is an emotional trap that can enslave individuals, leading them to make harmful decisions.

💡Fate

Fate is depicted as the force that determines the outcome of events beyond one's control. In the video, Anakin's attempts to control his fate, specifically to keep Padmé safe, are contrasted with the Stoic acceptance of fate. The Stoics advocate for accepting whatever happens with tranquility, recognizing that much of what happens is beyond our control, and fighting against it only leads to suffering.

💡Passions

Passions, in Stoic philosophy, are intense emotions that disturb rational thinking and lead to irrational actions. The video highlights how Anakin's passionate love for Padmé and his fear of losing her disrupt his reason and drive him to betray his principles. The Stoics argue that freeing oneself from such passions through rational thinking is essential for true freedom and happiness.

💡Freedom

Freedom, in the Stoic sense, is the ability to act according to reason, free from the control of external circumstances and passions. The video contrasts this ideal with Anakin's lack of freedom, as his desires and attachments dictate his actions. Stoicism teaches that true freedom comes from within, by mastering one's responses to external events rather than trying to control them.

💡Grief

Grief is the emotional response to loss, particularly of loved ones. The video explores the Stoic approach to grief, which involves understanding that we do not truly 'lose' anything or anyone, but rather 'return' them to the universe. The Stoics promote moderation in grieving, acknowledging natural feelings of sadness while striving to maintain rational control over one's emotions.

💡Proto-emotions

Proto-emotions are the initial, automatic emotional reactions to events, such as shock or tears, which Stoicism distinguishes from the more disruptive passions. The video explains that while Stoics do not seek to repress these natural responses, they aim to prevent them from developing into uncontrolled passions by applying reason and maintaining perspective.

💡Reason

Reason is the faculty of rational thought and judgment that Stoics believe should guide our actions and responses to life events. The video contrasts Anakin's struggle to act rationally with the Stoic ideal of using reason to detach from irrational fears and desires. According to Stoicism, living in accordance with reason allows for tranquility and resilience in the face of external changes.

💡Control

Control refers to the Stoic concept of focusing on what is within our power while accepting what we cannot change. The video discusses how Anakin's desire to control the fate of Padmé leads him to destructive decisions. Stoicism teaches that by understanding and accepting the limits of our control, we can achieve peace and avoid the turmoil that comes from futile attempts to dominate external circumstances.

Highlights

Anakin Skywalker's fear of losing Padmé leads him to betray the Jedi Order and turn to the Dark Side.

Stoic philosophy discourages strong attachments to things beyond our control, including people.

Epictetus considers the wish for loved ones to live forever as 'stupid' due to the impossibility of controlling life and death.

Stoics view the fear of loss and distress of grief as consequences of irrational thinking.

Attachment to others can lead to emotional problems and a dependency on external circumstances for happiness.

Anakin's actions are dictated by his desires, making him a 'plaything of Fate' according to Stoic philosophy.

Stoicism sees the pursuit of keeping loved ones as a selfish act driven by personal desires rather than the common good.

Anakin's destructive actions to fulfill his desires reflect the Stoic view of hatred and cursing of obstacles to one's interests.

Stoics argue that romantic love and strong attachments can be recipes for disaster, causing violence and suffering.

The Stoic perspective is that we do not lose people but return them, as they were never truly ours.

Epictetus' discourses explain that external factors like family and spouses are not under our control.

Ownership of external things is seen as an illusion by Stoics, as they can be lost at any moment.

Anakin's desire for ultimate power to secure Padmé's safety reflects the Stoic view of the impotence of humans without omnipotence.

Stoics identify four passions - pleasure, appetite, distress, and fear - which are seen as problematic when irrationally judged.

Epictetus advises practicing the letting go of attachments to even trivial things to avoid the pain of loss.

Anakin struggles with rationality in his feelings for Padmé, highlighting the Stoic challenge of managing emotions through reason.

Stoicism suggests that with the right mindset and practice, one can let go of strong attachments and bear loss.

Seneca's letter to his mother offers a middle way to grief, advocating for moderate mourning and emotional self-regulation.

Stoicism acknowledges 'proto-emotions' as natural reactions but seeks to avoid the irrational passions that follow.

Seneca recommends philosophy as a means to heal emotional wounds and achieve emotional well-being.

Transcripts

In the Star Wars prequels, we see the romance between Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker and Queen

of Naboo Padmé Amidala and how the overly attached Anakin suffers from an extreme fear

of losing Padmé.

His attachment and fear are so strong that he’s willing to betray the Jedi Order and

turn to the Dark Side if that prevents him from being separated from the person he’s

deeply in love with.

Unfortunately (spoiler alert), his greatest fear becomes a reality, leading to intense

emotional suffering.

Although extreme, Anakin’s fear of loss is a fear many people share.

And, oftentimes, we go to great lengths to keep the people we love present in our lives.

However, the Stoics discourage strong attachments to things not in our control, including other

people.

For example, according to Epictetus, someone wishing his children, wife, and friends to

live forever is “stupid” as we try to control things we cannot and hope for the

impossible to happen.

Still, people struggle significantly after losing their loved ones, which seems to be

a natural phenomenon.

Also, the mere prospect of losing someone close to us triggers anxiety in many.

But the Stoics observed that the fear of loss and the torturing distress of grief are consequences

of irrational thinking.

This video explores Stoic philosophy in the context of attachment, loss of loved ones,

and how to deal with being separated from those we care about.

Strong emotional attachment to other people seems to be a celebrated and normalized part

of life.

The latter is probably the case because, in many ways, our biology has wired us to bond

with other human beings.

But the magnitude of our attachments varies, from fondness and attraction to being sicklily

obsessed with someone.

When we’re attached to someone, we wish that this person is present.

And when this person is present, we don’t want this individual to leave us.

Emotionally, such an attitude leads to problems, and the stronger the attitude, the more problematic

it becomes.

Attachment to something not in our control, be it an object or a person, leads to us putting

our happiness in the hands of Fate.

After all, Fate decides if what we’re attached to stays by our side or leaves us.

And so, Fortuna, the goddess of chance and luck, can toy with us, making us feel happy

one moment and sad another.

And we often try hard to prevent ourselves from parting from the people and things we’re

attached to, which the story of Anakin Skywalker shows us as he betrays the Jedi Order and

turns to the dark side just to keep Padmé in his life.

From a Stoic point of view, Anakin is not free.

His desires enslave him.

He is a plaything of Fate.

If he were free, his actions wouldn’t be dictated by outside circumstances, attachments

and desires, and disabling emotions (like fear, hate, and jealousy).

Instead, he would act from a place of reason, free from troubling emotions regarding external

things.

At its core, trying to keep the people we’re attached to in our lives is a selfish pursuit.

When we desire people to be with us, we generally don’t desire this for them, nor the betterment

of the common good, but to fulfill our own selfish desire, which is the ‘not wanting

to part from what we’re fond of.’

Devoted to our interests, we tend to make decisions that aren’t smart or wise.

We just want to fulfill our desires.

And, as Epictetus told us: whatever appears to stand in the way of our interest, we hate,

accuse, and curse, which clearly shows in the ways of Anakin, who causes death and destruction

just to fulfill his selfish needs.

I quote:

For its nature is to love nothing so much as its own interest; this to it is father

and brother and kinsmen and country and God.

When, for instance, we think that the gods stand in the way of our attainment of this,

we revile even them, cast their statues to the ground, and burn their temples, as Alexander

ordered the temples of Asclepius to be burned when his loved one died.

End quote.

We could say that the widely celebrated romantic love and other strong attachments to things

not in our control are potential recipes for disaster.

How much violence and murder has humanity cast upon itself on account of these attachments?

When a friend dies, your spouse leaves you for a lover, or a child wishes to never see

you again, you likely feel that something that’s yours is taken from you.

The separation from the people you care for probably comes with the notion of loss: you’ve

lost someone.

But from a Stoic point of view, this isn’t the correct way to look at such events: you

don’t lose people; you return them, as they were never yours.

Never say of anything, “I have lost it”; but, “I have returned it.”

Is your child dead?

It is returned.

Is your wife dead?

She is returned.

(...) said Epictetus.

The fourth book of Epictetus’ discourses thoroughly explains why external factors like

our children, family members, or spouses are not in our control and, thus, not actually

ours.

Most of what we call ‘possessions’ aren’t truly our possessions, as we can lose these

things in the blink of an eye.

When it comes to the people we’re attached to, most of us probably find ourselves in

a gray area.

In the days of Epictetus, slavery was normal.

People used to own other people as possessions.

Epictetus used to be an enslaved person himself before he began teaching philosophy in Rome,

and later Nicopolis.

But today, slavery isn’t common anymore, and we, generally, don’t see the people

surrounding us, be it employees, family members, or friends, as our possessions.

However, we often still tend to feel a degree of entitlement to the presence of these people.

We think that our friends and family owe us time and attention, our employees arrive at

work on time, and our spouses don’t do things that make us feel unhappy.

Moreover, we often feel connected to the people we care for as if they are part of ourselves

and belong in our lives.

But as much as we think that something or someone is ours, it’s probably not the case.

External things are never ours because if they were, they would always do as we wish;

they’d never leave us, and no one would be able to take them away.

Thus, from a Stoic point of view, ownership of external things is just an appearance;

it’s at odds with reality.

I quote:

When you want your body to be whole, is the matter under your control, or not?—It is

not.—And when you want it to be well?—Nor that, either.—And to live or to die?—Nor

that, either.—Therefore, your body is not your own possession, it is subject to everyone

who is stronger than you are.—Granted.—And your farm, is it under your control to have

it when you want, and as long as you want; and in the condition that you want?—No.—And

your paltry slaves?—No.—And your clothes?—No.—And your paltry house?—No.—And your horses?—None

of these things.—And if you wish by all means your children to live, or your wife,

or your brother, or your friends, is the matter under your control?—No, nor that, either.

End quote.

In addition, Epictetus argued that all these external things are subject to the “revolution

of the universe,” something outside of any human being’s control unless this person

possesses the might of an omnipotent God.

When Padmé told Anakin he’s not all-powerful, he answered: “Well, I should be,” as he

realized that the only way to keep Padmé secure is through ultimate, all-encompassing

power.

It’s not a surprise that we often speak of romantic love as ‘passionate,’ as,

like nothing else in the world, the infatuation with another person engages the passions,

leading to volatile emotional experiences.

Again, today’s society seems to view the engagement in passionate romances as positive;

many even consider “being in love” as one of the highest possible states available

to the individual.

Unsurprisingly, the ancient Stoics saw the passions as problematic.

As explored in a previous video called ‘How Not to Be Pathetic,’ they distinguished

four passions: pleasure, appetite, distress, and fear.

Being attached to someone, let alone deeply in love, accompanies a symphony of all four

passions.

When a beloved friend is with us, we experience ‘pleasure.’

When he isn’t there, we experience an appetite for his presence.

The woman who a man is in love with, he fears losing.

And when she leaves him or dies, he likely experiences excruciating pain.

But, according to the Stoics, the thoughts preceding the passions are irrational judgments

of the situation.

For example, there’s nothing inherently good about someone being in your presence

from a Stoic point of view.

There’s also nothing inherently wrong about a person leaving you or dying.

Loss and death are part of life; neutral at best.

But if we irrationally judge things as good and others as bad, we’ll evoke the passions

as our thinking is disobedient to reason.

And so, the Stoics seek to uproot the passions using reason.

Epictetus gives the following advice:

This is what you ought to practise from morning till evening.

Begin with the most trifling things, the ones most exposed to injury, like a pot, or a cup,

and then advance to a tunic, a paltry dog, a mere horse, a bit of land; thence to yourself,

your body, and its members, your children, wife, brothers.

Look about on every side and cast these things away from you.

Purify your judgements, for fear lest something of what is not your own may be fastened to

them, or grown together with them, and may give you pain when it is torn loose.

End quote.

When Anakin and Padmé discussed their impossible romance and their feelings for each other,

Padmé wanted to follow the voice of reason.

Because of Anakin’s allegiance to the Jedi Order and her position as a senator, a romantic

relationship was out of the question, regardless of how they felt about each other.

But Anakin stated, and I quote:

You’re asking me to be rational.

That is something that I know I cannot do.

Believe me, I wish I could just wish away my feelings, but I can’t.

End quote.

But could he?

According to Stoicism, with the right mindset, discipline, and practice, it’s very well

possible to let go of strong attachments to other people and be able to bear it when someone

close to us departs from our lives.

Should a practitioner of Stoicism be emotionless in the face of loss?

Maintaining equanimity after someone close to us dies is challenging for most people.

Freeing oneself from the passions lies at the core of Stoicism, but it’s very difficult

to accomplish and takes time and tremendous practice.

In all likelihood, even ancient Stoic sages like Epictetus, Chrysippus, and Seneca weren’t

perfect at it (but at least they tried).

Also, the Stoics acknowledge what they call ‘proto-emotions,’ which are feelings that

arise automatically, and we don’t have control over them.

A proto-emotion could be an initial startling when encountering danger or one’s eyes tearing

up when hearing about a tragedy.

Stoicism isn’t about repressing these involuntary bodily reactions but about freeing ourselves

from the passions that arise afterward if we think irrationally.

One of Seneca’s letters shows us an interesting take on handling the grief of loss.

In 41 AD, the new empress Messalina accused Seneca of adultery (an affair that some historians

have doubted).

Initially, the Senate sentenced Seneca to death, but emperor Claudius commuted this

to exile.

And so, Seneca departed to the island of Corsica, where he spent the next eight years.

While in exile, he sent a letter to his mother Helvia, in which he offered her consolation

as she was grieving her son’s fate.

Seneca told her not to make excuses to weep without limit.

He also mentioned that their ancestors reserved ten months of mourning for women who had lost

their husbands and thus regulated their grief by ‘limiting’ it.

I quote:

They did not forbid them to mourn, but they set limits to their grief: for while it is

a foolish weakness to give way to endless grief when you lose one of those dearest to

you, yet it shows an unnatural hardness of heart to express no grief at all: the best

middle course between affection and hard common sense is both to feel regret and to restrain

it.

End quote.

And so, it seems that Seneca advised a middle way: to grieve moderately and with limitation.

Such a view on grief is different from the ideal described by Epictetus, which is a dispassionate

individual who’s not disturbed by the loss of loved ones.

But the vast majority of people (including Seneca’s mother) aren’t Stoic sages and

will experience grief.

For them, Seneca offers a realistic way to deal with loss; not the complete extinction

of the passions, but moderation.

Nevertheless, he urged his mother to take responsibility for her emotional well-being

by studying philosophy and applying herself to it.

“This will heal your wounds and take away all your sadness,” he wrote.

Thank you for watching.