Conflict Resolution in the Workplace: Interpersonal Conflict

Summary

Dr. Liane Davey offers strategies for handling interpersonal conflicts at work. She emphasizes the importance of objectivity, avoiding judgments, and sharing the implications of behaviors. Davey suggests discussing how actions are interpreted, seeking advice if needed, and recognizing that feelings are a personal reaction. For extreme situations, she recommends a 'coffee card' technique to manage frustration. Ultimately, her advice aims to foster civility and respect in the workplace, enabling effective teamwork.

Takeaways

• 🤝 Interpersonal conflicts at work are common and can involve someone who irritates or disrespects you.
• 🗣️ It's crucial to remain objective when discussing the person causing conflict, avoiding adjectives that express judgment.
• 📏 Identify and describe specific behaviors that lead to negative interpretations, rather than labeling the person.
• 📝 Explain the implications of the person's behavior on your work and focus.
• 🌟 Sharing your interpretation of someone's actions can help clarify misunderstandings and improve relationships.
• 👂 Seek advice from others if direct feedback doesn't resolve the issue, focusing on your experience and concerns without gossiping.
• 🔍 Recognize that no one else can make you feel a certain way; it's about how you interpret their actions.
• 💡 Be aware of your reactions and stories you tell yourself to better manage your emotions.
• 🎯 If conflicts persist, use techniques like the 'coffee card' to change your perspective and reduce the stress they cause.
• 👩‍💼 Remember, these strategies aim to improve civility and respect in professional interactions, even if complete harmony isn't achievable.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Dr. Liane Davey's video?

The main topic of Dr. Liane Davey's video is how to handle interpersonal conflicts at work, particularly when a colleague's behavior is causing issues rather than a specific issue or disagreement.

What is the first step Dr. Davey suggests when dealing with a person who makes you feel uncomfortable at work?

The first step is to ensure that when discussing the person, you are objective and avoid using adjectives that express judgment, focusing on describing their behavior rather than labeling them.

Why is it important to be objective when discussing a colleague's behavior?

Being objective helps prevent the escalation of conflict and allows for a clearer understanding of the situation, potentially revealing misunderstandings or reasons behind the behavior.

How can one reframe a judgmental statement like 'he was so rude in that meeting'?

Instead of labeling someone as rude, one should describe the specific behavior that led to that interpretation, such as 'he interrupted me while I was speaking'.

What is the purpose of sharing the implications of someone's behavior?

Sharing the implications helps the other person understand how their actions affect you and the work environment, which can lead to more constructive conversations and changes in behavior.

Can you provide an example of how to share the implications of a colleague's behavior?

An example is when a colleague points out a typo during a presentation, you could explain that it distracts you and prevents you from focusing on the main ideas you want to discuss.

What does Dr. Davey suggest doing if you want to improve your relationship with a colleague?

Dr. Davey suggests sharing how you interpret their behavior, which can help clear up misunderstandings and show vulnerability, potentially leading to a better relationship.

How can you address the issue with a manager who keeps answering questions meant for you?

You can privately express how their behavior makes you feel, such as feeling unconfident, and ask for their perspective or how they can signal confidence in you to the team.

What should you do if direct feedback and discussions do not resolve the interpersonal conflict?

If direct feedback doesn't work, seeking advice from others, especially those who know the person better, can provide new insights or strategies to improve the situation.

What is the final tip Dr. Davey offers for dealing with a colleague who is really draining you?

Dr. Davey suggests using a technique like a 'coffee card' where you mark each time the person's behavior affects you negatively, and once a certain number is reached, you take a break to vent with a friend, changing the power dynamic and your reaction to the situation.

What is the key takeaway from Dr. Davey's video regarding personal responsibility in interpersonal conflicts?

The key takeaway is that no one can make you feel a certain way; it's your interpretation of their behavior and the story you tell yourself that affects your emotions, and being aware of this can help you manage your reactions.

Outlines

00:00

🤝 Navigating Interpersonal Conflicts at Work

Dr. Liane Davey introduces strategies for dealing with interpersonal conflicts in the workplace, focusing on conflicts that arise not from issues or disagreements on the right course of action, but from personal interactions that are frustrating or disrespectful. The first step is to maintain objectivity when discussing the person causing the conflict, avoiding adjectives that express judgment. By focusing on the behavior that is perceived as rude or disruptive, rather than labeling the person, it's possible to prevent the conflict from escalating. Additionally, understanding the implications of someone's behavior and communicating these concerns in an objective manner can help in resolving misunderstandings and maintaining a professional relationship.

05:01

🗣️ Addressing and Seeking Advice for Persistent Conflicts

This paragraph continues the discussion on interpersonal conflicts, offering advice for situations where direct feedback and communication of concerns have not improved the situation. It suggests seeking advice from others who may have more insight into the behavior of the person involved, especially if it's a manager. The advice should be framed in terms of personal experience and concerns rather than complaints. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of recognizing that no one can make you feel a certain way; it's your interpretation of their actions that affects your emotions. A final tip for dealing with particularly challenging situations is to minimize the impact of the conflict on oneself, possibly by using a 'coffee card' technique to turn the frustration into a positive, such as earning a free coffee after a certain number of 'points' collected. Dr. Davey concludes by encouraging viewers to explore more videos on teamwork and conflict resolution.

Keywords

💡Interpersonal Conflict

Interpersonal conflict refers to disagreements or tension between individuals in a social setting, often arising from differences in opinions, values, or behaviors. In the video's context, it specifically addresses conflicts at the workplace, which can affect team dynamics and individual performance. The script discusses strategies to manage such conflicts, emphasizing the importance of objectivity and communication to resolve issues professionally.

💡Objectivity

Objectivity in communication means expressing thoughts and observations without personal bias or judgment. The video emphasizes the importance of being objective when discussing a colleague's behavior to prevent escalation of conflicts. For instance, instead of labeling someone as 'rude,' one should describe the specific behavior that led to this perception, such as 'he stuck up his hand while I was talking,' which helps in addressing the issue more constructively.

💡Respect

Respect in a professional setting involves acknowledging and valuing others' opinions, contributions, and individuality. The script suggests that even in the midst of conflict, maintaining respect can facilitate a more civil and productive work environment. It is a foundational concept for the video's theme of resolving workplace conflicts and fostering a positive team atmosphere.

💡Behavior

Behavior refers to the actions or reactions of an individual. In the script, behavior is a central focus for understanding and resolving conflicts. It encourages viewers to identify and articulate specific behaviors that cause discomfort or conflict, rather than making assumptions or generalizations about a person's character, such as 'he didn't show up for my presentation,' which can lead to misunderstandings.

💡Implications

Implications in the context of the video refer to the consequences or effects of someone's actions or behavior on others. The script advises viewers to communicate the impact of certain behaviors, such as how pointing out a typo during a presentation can 'take me off course and I don't get to focus on the ideas.' This approach helps in addressing the behavior's effect on the team and the individual.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability in the video script is presented as a strength that can lead to better relationships. It involves openly sharing one's feelings and interpretations of others' behaviors, which can foster understanding and resolution. For example, expressing 'when you answer the question that was posed of me, I feel like you don't have confidence in me' is an act of vulnerability that can lead to clearer communication and trust.

💡Feedback

Feedback in the video is a crucial tool for addressing and resolving workplace conflicts. It involves providing constructive comments or reactions to someone's behavior or actions. The script suggests giving feedback directly to the person involved, discussing the implications of their behavior, and how it affects the team or the individual, as a means to improve the work relationship.

💡Advice

Advice in the script is recommended as a step to take when direct communication and feedback do not resolve the conflict. Seeking advice from a trusted colleague or mentor can provide different perspectives or strategies for dealing with the situation. For example, discussing with someone who knows the manager better, 'what do you think? How would you interpret that behavior?' can offer insights and potential solutions.

💡Blame

Blame in the video is portrayed as a counterproductive approach to dealing with interpersonal conflicts. It involves attributing negative feelings or outcomes to others, rather than taking responsibility for one's own reactions. The script emphasizes that 'nobody can make you feel any way,' highlighting the importance of self-awareness and personal responsibility in managing emotions and conflicts.

💡Interpretation

Interpretation in the context of the video refers to how individuals understand and make sense of others' behaviors or actions. The script points out that our personal interpretations can often be incorrect or biased, leading to conflicts. It encourages viewers to check their interpretations and communicate openly with others to clarify misunderstandings, such as sharing 'the story you're telling yourself paints them as the enemy in the situation.'

💡Power Dynamic

Power dynamic refers to the balance of influence and control between individuals in a relationship or group. The video suggests that changing the power dynamic can transform how one perceives and reacts to a conflict. For example, using a 'coffee card' to track disruptive behaviors and then using it as a way to gain a reward (coffee with a buddy) shifts the focus from annoyance to a positive outcome, thus altering the power dynamic.

Highlights

Dr. Liane Davey offers advice on handling interpersonal conflicts at work.

Different strategies are needed for conflicts based on issues versus conflicts based on personal interactions.

The importance of being objective when discussing someone in conflict to avoid judgment and escalation.

Avoiding adjectives that express judgment, such as 'rude', and focusing on objective behaviors.

Identifying the objective behavior that leads to a perception of rudeness, like interrupting during a speech.

The benefit of objectively sharing someone's behavior to prevent conflict escalation and understand their perspective.

Sharing the implications of someone's behavior, like how pointing out a typo can derail a presentation.

The suggestion to focus on the 'why' and 'what' of ideas rather than minor errors during brainstorming.

The value of vulnerability in sharing personal interpretations of behavior to improve relationships.

The potential misunderstandings that arise from personal interpretations and the importance of addressing them.

Strategies for building confidence with a manager who might be perceived as overstepping during presentations.

The suggestion to seek advice from others when direct feedback doesn't resolve the conflict.

The importance of framing advice-seeking as a discussion about personal experience rather than gossip.

The concept that no one can make you feel a certain way; it's your own interpretation of their behavior.

The empowerment of recognizing personal reactions to situations and changing the narrative.

A bonus tip for extreme situations: reducing the impact of a person's behavior on oneself through a 'coffee card' technique.

Dr. Davey's final advice on changing the power dynamic and perspective on annoying behaviors for personal benefit.

The offer of further guidance through Dr. Davey's other videos on teamwork and conflict resolution.

Transcripts

- Do you ever find yourself

in an interpersonal conflict at work?

Somebody on your team who just rubs you the wrong way,

drives you a bit crazy

or maybe they're totally disrespectful of you.

Hi, I'm Dr. Liane Davey,

and I'm here to help you with what you can do

when you find yourself in an interpersonal conflict at work.

In one of my recent videos,

I shared the steps you can take

if you're in a conflict at work

that's about an issue or about the right course of action.

Well, that's a really different situation

than if it's not so much the issue

or what they wanna do or what the plans are.

It's more just that they make you crazy.

In that case,

there are a few things that you can do

that will help you if not get to the situation

where you wanna go out for drinks after work together,

at least get to the point where you're civil

and you respect each other enough to do your job well.

Well, first step is to make sure

anytime you're talking about that person

that you're really careful to be incredibly objective.

Usually that means not using any adjectives,

which is a way we often express our judgment of people.

Let's do a real example.

If you're thinking he was so rude in that meeting,

going back to someone and saying you are so rude,

or even thinking about

and judging them in your own head as rude

is really gonna be hard on your relationship.

It's hard to get to the other side

of an interpersonal conflict

if you're labeling somebody as rude.

So what you wanna do in that case

is say what's making me think that he's rude?

What's the objective real behavior,

either something he said or something he did,

that's making me interpret that as rude?

It may be something like he stuck up his hand

as I was talking.

Yep, that counts.

That's totally rude.

Maybe it wasn't that at all.

Maybe it was didn't even show up for your presentation.

Well, fine, you came to everybody else's presentations,

but not mine.

When you are able to objectively share

somebody else's behavior,

you're much less likely

to really cause this sort of escalation of the conflict.

And instead, you're likely to be able to find out

that maybe the person didn't come to your presentation

because he got called into some emergency.

When you get back to your inbox,

there was a message saying I'd love to get caught up.

You don't know, right?

So when we interpret someone's behavior in a certain way

and we share with them our interpretation,

we normally get it wrong.

So speak really objectively.

Next piece, you can actually share

what you see as the implications of somebody's behavior.

Let's take a completely different example.

Say you're just presenting very first presentation

of a big, new idea.

Your slides, you threw them together

because it was really just about getting some input.

And you're two minutes into the presentation

when Sally goes, "There's a typo.

"That's not actually how that spelled."

So what you wanna do is again make sure you're objective,

step one applies everywhere.

But you can also then talk about the implications.

So you could say something like when you share information

about spelling mistakes or you suggest edits

when I'm in my first presentation,

I get taken off course and I don't get to focus on the ideas

and I'm worried I'm gonna miss your input

on the 'why' and the 'what' questions.

That's where I really need your input at this stage.

So you can talk about when you behave in X way,

like calling out a spelling mistake

in our very first brainstorming session,

the implication is it takes me off track.

I lose my focus

and I miss the opportunity to hear your thoughts

on the bigger issues.

So that's how you share implications of something.

Another thing you can do,

and this takes a little bit of vulnerability,

but if you actually want to get your relationship

in a better place,

it can be super useful,

which is to share with the person

how you are interpreting their behavior.

Because often, it's not that the other person

is mean or annoying on purpose.

It's that the story you're telling yourself

paints them as the enemy in the situation.

So for example,

maybe you're doing something in the team meeting,

giving your update,

and your manager keeps jumping in over and over and over,

five times in your 10 minute presentation.

Instead of you getting to answer the question,

your manager jumps in and answers it.

It's a great place to share privately later.

You could say something

like when you answer the question that was posed of me

during my section,

I feel like you don't have confidence in me.

And then I'm worried

that the team doesn't have confidence in me either.

And it might be that manager's reaction's like, "oh,

that's totally not what I meant.

I did your job for so long.

I'm just so used to jumping in."

Then you might even pose another question,

which is great when you're trying to repair a relationship,

saying how could you signal to the team

that you have confidence in me?

Finally, if you're in a situation

where you've tried all those things,

you've given the person feedback directly,

you've talked about what you see

and what the implications are and how that's affecting you,

and it's just really not making a dent in the problem,

that's a situation

where you might wanna go and get some advice

from somebody else.

So you might wanna say something like "the boss, Stu,

he keeps answering all the questions

that are posed of me in our team meetings.

I'm worried that when he answers questions

people have asked of me

that that signals that he doesn't have confidence in me.

You know Stu better than I do.

First of all, what do you think?

How would you interpret that behavior?"

So when you go asking for advice,

particularly if it's about your manager,

make sure you're not complaining or gossiping,

but talk about how you're experiencing their behavior,

what you're worried about.

And maybe the person says,

"oh, everybody knows Stu.

They know he just is so excited.

I don't think there's any issue on the team."

Or they might say,

"yeah, I survived that with Stu.

Takes a while before he has the confidence to let you go.

Try this."

The final thing that's important to say

is I often hear people who are embroiled

in a really unpleasant interpersonal conflict on their team.

They tell me that, "oh,

she just, she makes me crazy.

He makes me so upset."

And what I hear is all sorts of blaming other people

for how you feel.

Ultimately, nobody can make you feel any way.

There is something in that process

that is about how you interpreted their behavior.

And it's the story you're telling yourself

that's what's getting in the way.

So just remembering nobody else can make you feel anything,

that's your own reaction.

And the more you're aware of it and you can label it,

probably you can free yourself from that.

Here's my final bonus tip.

This is only for situations

where things have really gotten bad.

But if it has really gotten bad,

I use the line "if you can't make a dent in the problem,

reduce the dent that it makes in you."

And under that heading,

I say if you need to have a few lines

that that person uses or things the person does,

like I don't know,

shoot you with the air guns or whatever it is,

interrupt you in a meeting,

have yourself a little coffee card

that you can punch every time they do it.

And have a buddy.

The deal is if you punch that card five times

or 10 times or whatever it is,

that then you go for a coffee with your buddy to vent.

I find what's interesting about using that technique

if there's somebody you're finding is really draining you,

all of a sudden that changes the power dynamic.

And where this might have driven you crazy before,

now you're like, ha, point on the card.

And just something about that

completely changes how we think about the situation.

Now it's not annoying anymore.

Now it's like 1/10 of the way to a free macchiato.

Don't use that unless you're really in a rough situation

that you can't get out of,

but it really can be helpful.

All right, that's it for me.

I'm Dr. Liane Davey,

here to help you get the team that you deserve.

Thanks so much for tuning in and check out my other videos

for how-tos on dealing with some of the situations

that come up when we're trying to make teamwork work.