The plow horse: how marriage uses men

Summary

In this episode of *Psychax: Better Living Through Psychology*, Dr. Orion Taban critiques the institution of marriage, using the metaphor of a plow horse to highlight the limitations it places on men. He argues that marriage, designed to optimize for sexual exclusivity, provision, and protection, often leads men to lose their freedom and individuality. Taban compares married men to domesticated animals whose lives revolve around labor for their wives, with little personal autonomy left. He contends that this dynamic is by design, not a flaw, and encourages men to understand the realities of marriage before committing.

Takeaways

• 😀 Dr. Orion Taban discusses his observations of marriages, noting that few men seem truly content in their relationships, often feeling restricted and controlled.
• 😀 The metaphor of the plow horse is used to describe married men who are seen as weak, listless, and living under the control of their wives, like horses in harness.
• 😀 Taban compares the life of a married man to a plow horse, stating that this is not a flaw but a feature of traditional marriage structures.
• 😀 Marriage, as defined in the script, is presented as a commitment to make a woman the primary beneficiary of a man's labor for life, often leading to a loss of personal freedom.
• 😀 The concept of sexual exclusivity is discussed, with an emphasis on how it requires a man to sacrifice his relationships with other women, either real or virtual, to maintain marital harmony.
• 😀 Taban explains how optimizing for sexual exclusivity turns sex into a transactional act, often withholding intimacy to control the husband's behavior.
• 😀 Provision is presented as another aspect of marriage optimization, where men are expected to work hard without engaging in leisure activities that could be seen as wasteful or unproductive.
• 😀 Women are portrayed as tolerating male leisure activities only when they perceive a benefit for themselves, with golf seen as more acceptable due to its networking potential, while video games are viewed as a waste of time.
• 😀 The notion of protection is also explored, where the husband’s role is to sacrifice himself for the protection of his wife, even to the point of death.
• 😀 Taban argues that the inequalities built into marriage, where men are expected to be providers and protectors, are purposeful and intentional, not accidental.
• 😀 The script challenges men to enter marriage with clear eyes, understanding that the system of protection, provision, and exclusivity inevitably leads them to become like plow horses, working for the benefit of others.

Q & A

What is the central metaphor used in the script to describe married men?

The central metaphor used in the script is comparing married men to plow horses. Dr. Orion Taban argues that like plow horses, married men often find themselves yoked and constrained by their responsibilities, losing their freedom and becoming shadows of their former selves.

Why does Dr. Taban believe marriages often look different from the outside than from the inside?

Dr. Taban acknowledges that relationships can seem ideal from the outside, but the reality of marriage often involves a significant power imbalance, with men becoming subservient and restricted by the expectations placed on them.

What does Dr. Taban mean by 'happy wife, happy life'?

'Happy wife, happy life' is used to describe the common societal expectation that a man's role in a marriage is to prioritize his wife's happiness, often at the cost of his own well-being, resulting in a life where the man's freedom and individuality are compromised.

How does Dr. Taban describe the life of a plow horse?

Dr. Taban explains that a plow horse's life is characterized by being yoked and harnessed, forced to work tirelessly for its owner's needs, and subjected to restrictions like blinders to limit its vision, symbolizing the way he views many men in marriage.

What is the significance of the story about the wild mustangs?

The story of the wild mustangs serves as a contrast to the life of the plow horse. Dr. Taban uses it to illustrate the freedom and vitality that men once had before marriage, likening it to the untamed, independent existence of these mustangs.

What does Dr. Taban mean by 'getting hitched' in the context of marriage?

Dr. Taban uses 'getting hitched' to suggest that marriage is a commitment where a man essentially becomes bound to serve his wife's needs for the rest of his life, much like a horse is harnessed to work and provide for its owner.

How does Dr. Taban explain the optimization of sexual exclusivity in marriage?

Dr. Taban argues that sexual exclusivity is optimized in marriage by limiting a man's exposure to other women and ensuring that he remains loyal and focused on his wife. This is achieved through controlling his social interactions and using sex as a tool to keep him working.

Why does Dr. Taban suggest that leisure activities are scrutinized differently for men?

Dr. Taban suggests that women are more willing to tolerate certain male leisure activities, like golf, if they indirectly benefit them, such as through networking or financial gains. Activities that do not serve these purposes, like video games, are seen as selfish and wasteful.

How does Dr. Taban describe the role of men in providing and protecting within marriage?

Dr. Taban explains that the traditional duties of a husband are to provide and protect, often at great personal sacrifice. He compares men to beasts of burden, expected to labor endlessly, and even risk their lives, without the promise of personal fulfillment or reward.

What is Dr. Taban's view on the value of men in marriage and society?

Dr. Taban expresses a view that men, in the context of marriage, are often seen as disposable resources. They are expected to provide and protect until they are no longer useful, at which point they are discarded or replaced, much like plow horses that are used until they wear out.