The Real Reason Why Most Men Struggle to Get Women | Jordan Peterson

Summary

The transcript explores the psychological impact of the 'ideal woman' on men, particularly young ones, and how it motivates them to prove their worth, as illustrated in the story of Tom Sawyer. It discusses the fear of rejection and the struggle to differentiate between the ideal and the individual woman. The speaker also delves into the paradox of male self-worth and the societal and evolutionary implications of female selectivity, questioning the nature of value systems in the context of Darwinian survival.

Takeaways

• 🤔 Men often use the image of female perfection as a motivational tool, similar to how a male Bower bird builds something beautiful to attract a female.
• 👦 The story of Tom Sawyer illustrates this point, showing how young boys, like Tom, show off to impress girls, which is a form of seeking approval from the 'eternal feminine'.
• 🧍‍♂️ Modern women may not fully understand the extent to which men are motivated by the desire to impress and be worthy of the feminine ideal.
• 😨 Many young men are paralyzed by fear of rejection from women, which can lead to them making fools of themselves in an attempt to gain approval.
• 👥 The fear of rejection is often in direct proportion to the attraction to the woman, creating a paradoxical situation for men.
• 🦄 Men tend to see women not as individuals but as manifestations of an ideal, which can lead to difficulties in establishing a real relationship.
• 🛡️ In relationships, men must make a 'sacrifice' by letting go of the ideal woman to see and appreciate the individual woman for who she is.
• 🌹 The concept of chivalry is tied to this idea of striving to be worthy of the feminine ideal, which is something that should be encouraged in male partners.
• 🎮 An example of overcoming fear of rejection is given, where men are encouraged to ask for phone numbers from many women to become desensitized to rejection.
• 💔 Rejection can lead to catastrophic thinking where individuals may view themselves as failures, which is not helpful and can be extreme.
• 🧬 Females, especially humans, are sexually selective, and this selectivity has shaped human behavior and value systems over time.
• 🔬 From a scientific perspective, the value systems that drive behavior and selection pressure could be considered 'real' in a Darwinian sense, as they represent successful solutions to survival and reproduction.

Q & A

What is the main idea the speaker is conveying about men's behavior in the context of the story of Tom Sawyer?

The speaker suggests that men, like Tom Sawyer, use the image of female perfection to motivate themselves, showing off to gain approval, much like a male Bower bird building something beautiful for a female's approval.

What does the speaker imply about modern women's understanding of men's motivations?

The speaker implies that modern women may not fully understand the extent to which men are motivated by the desire to be worthy of the 'eternal image of the feminine' and may not recognize the chivalrous nature of men's actions.

How does the speaker describe the fear young men have towards women, especially in the context of rejection?

The speaker describes young men as being paralyzed by the fear of rejection from women, to the point where it can lead to self-deprecating behavior and an inability to see women as individuals rather than manifestations of a judgmental ideal.

What is the 'sacrifice' the speaker refers to that men must make in order to have a relationship with a woman?

The sacrifice is giving up the idealized image of a woman and instead recognizing and accepting the individuality of the woman they are interested in, differentiating between the ideal and the real person.

Can you explain the analogy of the hero in Sleeping Beauty as mentioned by the speaker?

The analogy of the hero in Sleeping Beauty is used to illustrate the process of overcoming the fear of the 'chaos dragon' or the fear of rejection, in order to establish a real relationship with the actual princess, or the real woman.

What activity did the speaker mention that was done by the men in his client's group to overcome the fear of rejection?

The men in the client's group were encouraged to ask 50 women for their phone numbers in one day as a way to confront and overcome their fear of rejection continuously.

How does the speaker relate the fear of rejection to the concept of being a 'walking catastrophe'?

The speaker uses the term 'walking catastrophe' to describe the extreme negative self-assessment some people make when facing rejection, implying that they view themselves as complete failures in the eyes of the opposite sex.

What does the speaker suggest is the logical inference some people make when they are rejected by someone they are attracted to?

The speaker suggests that some people may logically infer that their rejection is a sign of being a failure as a human being, especially if the rejection comes from someone they have projected an ideal onto.

How does the speaker discuss the role of female choices in shaping human behavior and value systems?

The speaker posits that female choices, particularly in terms of sexual selectivity, have played a significant role in shaping human behavior and value systems, and that these choices have been a driving force in human evolution.

What is the speaker's perspective on the scientific validity of value systems that drive human behavior?

The speaker questions why value systems that influence behavior and are subject to natural and sexual selection are not considered 'real' or 'true' in a scientific sense, challenging the idea that they are merely epiphenomenal.

How does the speaker describe the fundamental judgment that can occur when approaching someone for a romantic interest?

The speaker describes it as a real judgment where the person being approached may decide that while they don't mind the physical presence, they believe the genes of the person approaching should not continue, often translated into a polite rejection like 'let's be friends'.

Outlines

00:00

🤹‍♂️ Male Motivation and the Struggle with Ideals

This paragraph discusses how men are motivated by the image of female perfection, using the example of Tom Sawyer's behavior when he meets Becky. It suggests that men show off to impress women, similar to how a male Bower bird builds a nest to attract a mate. The speaker argues that modern women may not understand this male behavior, which is rooted in the desire to be worthy of the feminine ideal. The paragraph also touches on the fear of rejection that young men experience, which can be paralyzing, and how this fear can lead to over-the-top behavior in the presence of women. The speaker uses the narrative of Sleeping Beauty to illustrate the process of differentiating between the idealized image of a woman and the real individual, and the necessity of sacrificing the ideal in order to form a genuine relationship.

05:02

🧬 Female Selectivity and the Impact on Male Self-Perception

The second paragraph delves into the concept of female sexual selectivity and its evolutionary impact on human behavior and value systems. It points out that female humans are more selective than their chimpanzee counterparts, which has influenced the development of human characteristics. The speaker humorously suggests that when annoyed with a male partner, one could consider that his traits are the result of millions of women's choices. The paragraph questions the scientific perspective on value systems, pondering whether they should be considered 'real' since they drive behavior and selection. It also discusses the intense emotions and fear associated with approaching someone with a high chance of rejection, using the movie 'Crumb' as an example. The speaker reflects on the harsh reality of being deemed a 'low status' male and the societal indifference towards such individuals.

Keywords

💡Perfection

Perfection in the context of the video refers to an idealized standard of excellence that men strive for, particularly in the presence of women they are attracted to. It is used metaphorically to describe the male desire to impress and gain the approval of the 'eternal image of the feminine.' For example, the script mentions Tom Sawyer showing off to impress Becky, symbolizing the male drive to display perfection.

💡Motivation

Motivation is the driving force that propels individuals to act. In the video, it is linked to the male tendency to perform and excel in front of women as a means to gain their admiration. The script uses the analogy of the male Bower bird to illustrate how men are motivated to 'build something beautiful' to win over the female's approval.

💡Chivalry

Chivalry is a code of conduct that emphasizes the protection and respect of women. The video discusses chivalry as an aspect of male behavior aimed at making themselves worthy in the eyes of women. It is presented as something that modern women may not fully understand or appreciate in men.

💡Fear of Rejection

Fear of rejection is a common theme in the script, describing the anxiety men feel when facing the possibility of being turned down, especially by women they are attracted to. It is portrayed as a paralyzing emotion that can lead men to act foolishly in an attempt to avoid rejection.

💡Idealization

Idealization is the process of regarding someone or something as perfect or better than they actually are. The video talks about men seeing women not as individuals but as embodiments of an idealized feminine form, which can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment.

💡Paradox

A paradox is a statement or situation that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth. The video uses the term to describe the situation where men are terrified of rejection by women, yet this fear paradoxically leads them to act in ways that may increase their chances of being rejected.

💡Sacrifice

Sacrifice in the video refers to the act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else. It is mentioned in the context of men having to let go of their idealized image of women to establish a genuine relationship with a real individual, which is a necessary step in overcoming the fear of rejection.

💡Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty is used as a metaphor in the script to illustrate the journey of distinguishing between an idealized image and a real person. The hero must defeat the 'dragon of chaos' (the evil queen) to establish a relationship with the princess, symbolizing the need to overcome idealized perceptions.

💡Catastrophizing

Catastrophizing is the tendency to interpret or expect the worst outcome in any situation. The video discusses how people, especially men, may catastrophize rejection as a sign of personal failure or worthlessness, leading to extreme negative self-assessment.

💡Darwinian Thinking

Darwinian Thinking refers to the application of Charles Darwin's theory of evolution to explain human behavior and social phenomena. The video suggests that value systems and behaviors that have been selected for over time, such as those related to attraction and rejection, can be considered 'real' or 'true' in a Darwinian sense.

💡Value Systems

Value systems are the set of principles or ideals that guide an individual's behavior and decision-making. The video discusses how these systems are shaped by evolutionary pressures and are integral to how individuals interact with each other and the world, including in the context of romantic relationships.

Highlights

Men use the image of female perfection as a motivational tool, similar to Tom Sawyer's behavior in the story.

Tom Sawyer's character illustrates the male tendency to show off in front of a girl to gain approval, likening it to a male Bower bird.

Modern women may not fully understand the extent to which men are motivated by the ideal of femininity.

Men's actions are driven by the desire to be worthy of the eternal feminine ideal, which is a form of chivalry.

The feminine form represents both promise and threat, causing paralysis in young men, especially those fearful of rejection.

Young men often see women as a judgmental ideal rather than as individuals, leading to foolish behavior in their presence.

The process of establishing a relationship involves differentiating between the ideal woman and the actual individual.

The story of Sleeping Beauty is used as an analogy for overcoming the fear of the ideal woman to connect with the real one.

An exercise from a men's group involved asking for phone numbers to overcome the fear of rejection.

Rejection can lead to catastrophic self-judgment, with individuals construing themselves and others wrongly.

The speaker suggests that overreacting to rejection is common and can be detrimental to self-esteem.

Females are described as being very sexually selective, which has shaped human behavior and value systems.

The speaker questions the scientific perspective on value systems, suggesting they may be 'real' in a Darwinian sense.

Approaching someone with high attraction can induce a strong sense of judgment and fear of rejection.

The film 'Crumb' is mentioned as an example of the harsh judgment people can face in romantic pursuits.

The speaker reflects on the societal disregard for 'low status' men, highlighting a broader issue of value and worth.

The transcript concludes with a contemplation on the impact of female choices on male behavior and societal structures.

Transcripts

men use the image of female Perfection

to motivate themselves

and that's exactly right that's

precisely what they do you see that in

the Tom Sawyer's story so Tom Sawyer is

about 12 years old and he's still

hanging around with his friends like

Huck Finn and this girl moves across the

street Becky and she comes out and he's

struck by her for the first time in his

life something's changed and the first

thing he does is hop up on a picket

fence and show off and balance in front

of her and he's saying well look at me

look at me I'm he's like the male Bower

bird building something beautiful so the

female will approve of it and it's it's

motivation

you know and that's something that I

think modern women don't really

understand about men they don't

understand that

at least to the degree that males are

uncorrupted and not better because of

being rejected they're doing everything

they can to kneel before the Eternal

image of the feminine and try to make

themselves Worthy

that's the chivalry story right that's

what you should encourage in your

partner so and so out of chaos emerges

this first form it's the feminine form

it's partly the form that represents

novelty as such

so and on one hand it's promise on the

other hand it's threat that you wouldn't

believe and I don't know because I don't

know I don't understand the situation

with women as well as I understand the

situation with men obviously being a man

I don't know if women have any idea

how paralyzing they are to especially

young men a large very large number of

my clinical clients but also young men

I've talked to in general are absolutely

terrified of women because they're

terrified of being rejected and the

terror exists in precise proportion to

the retraction to the woman which is a

horrible paradoxical situation to be in

it's often why men make such fools of

themselves in front of women that

they're attracted to it's because first

of all they don't see the woman that

they're attracted to because what the

hell do they know about her they don't

see her as an individual they see her as

the manifestation of a judgmental ideal

and then it's only in establishing the

relationship with the actual woman that

they can start differentiating between

the judgmental ideal and and the actual

individual woman and that also requires

a sacrifice and the sacrifice is

you never can have an ideal woman

so to have a relationship with any woman

you have to sacrifice the relationship

with the ideal woman and you have to see

the individual woman

and separate her from the ideal and

that's the same thing that happens to

the hero in Sleeping Beauty right he

sees the evil queen who actually turns

into the dragon of chaos and it's not

until he can he can defeat her that he

can establish a relationship with the

actual princess and that's exactly the

case I had a one of my clients who ran

this men's group which was quite

interesting one of the things they had

the initiates do which was very

intelligent was to go out and ask 50

women in one day for their phone numbers

why politely properly you know

it was a game but it wasn't a stupid

game and the idea was get over your fear

of rejection and how do you do that by

encountering it continually and

continually and continually so that

you're no longer Paralyzed by this

you lay out a small plan like maybe you

go out for for coffee with someone that

you're romantically interested in and

they're

they're not pleasant to you

and and so that's an error it means well

what does it mean well you've construed

yourself wrong you've construed them

wrong you've construed the opposite sex

wrong you've construed human beings

wrong you're a walking catastrophe and

you might as well not even exist it's

like that's pretty extreme but it's not

that extreme I'll tell you like it's not

that uncommon for people to have exactly

that set of catastrophic responses to

even a minor setback now it's not good

for them and I would say

you know just because you scraped your

foot doesn't mean you should dig a grave

and jump into it and pull the dirt on

top of you you know so you don't want to

start by taking yourself completely

apart but that doesn't mean people won't

do it they do it all the time in fact to

me it's always a mystery that they don't

do it every single time because the

logical inference for why didn't you get

someone interested in you could easily

be because you're a failure as a human

being and at some level that's actually

true now it's true in a way that's not

that helpful right because it's just too

catastrophic but it isn't obvious at all

how people can defend themselves against

that Cascade of catastrophizing I mean

after all if you were everything you

could be then maybe everyone would be

attracted to you I mean perhaps not but

you get the point and no easy

rationalization is going to let you just

brush that away especially if you

actually happen to be interested in the

person because that's even worse because

then not only are you rejected but you

rejected by someone who's

upon whom you've projected an ideal or

perhaps on from whom you've actually

observed an ideal so it's worse you're

you're rejected by someone that you want

to have

be attracted to you to validate your own

miserable existence it's not a trivial

problem

females are very sexually selective

female humans as opposed to say to

female chimps which aren't so part of

what's occurred to select human beings

for the way they are is the choices that

each gender has made with regards to

action and belief but in many ways more

specifically female choices so it's kind

of interesting the next time you're

irritated at your boyfriend let's say

then you can just remember that you know

Untold millions of women have chosen men

so that they're exactly like he is and

so you know you can't really blame them

for that so

all right so but here's the thing that's

tricky from a scientific perspective eh

if it is

your behavior and your value structures

if your value structures determine what

you're interested in how you behave and

selection pressure occurs as a

consequence of your actions then doesn't

it mean that the structure of the value

systems that drive your behavior have to

be regarded as true or real in some

scientific sense

because the darwinists basically say

look the best solution is the solution

that you embody there is no higher

solution than that and there you are

embodying a solution so in what way I

don't understand in what way that can't

be regarded as real you know because

people think of things like value

structures as epiphenomenal you know

they're not real like like material is

real but I don't get that I don't see

how that works with darwinian thinking

because

you're interacting with each other all

the time and you're doing that on the

basis of your capacity for action and

the value systems that drive that and

obviously those have some effect on

whether or not you're selected by women

say or by men for that matter but also

by the natural world

what emotion do you feel when you're

going to approach someone you're very

attracted to and there's an extremely

high probability that she's going to

tell you to disappear because it's a

real judgment right we're going to see a

movie called crumb where you'll see this

in great detail but it's a real judgment

it's like the best judgment is well I

don't mind your physical presence but

your genes should definitely not survive

another generation right and that sort

of generally translated into I think we

should just be friends

you know when you can blow that off and

people do and you have to because it's

part of being polite and civilized

you know let's make no mistake about it

there is no more fundamental judgment

than that

they're low status men

you know they're people that are

generally regarded as losers and there's

isn't anybody who really gives a damn

about what happens to them one way or

another and there's a lot more men in

that category than there are women