It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

Summary

This script explores the nature of grief, challenging societal norms that seek to 'fix' it and offering a compassionate approach to dealing with loss. Through the insights of psychotherapist Megan Devine, the video highlights how grief is an extension of love, not a problem to be solved. It emphasizes the importance of bearing witness to grief, avoiding dismissive comfort, and creating space for individuals to heal at their own pace. The script advocates for cultural change in how we perceive and support grieving individuals, focusing on companionship rather than correction.

Takeaways

• 😀 Grief is a natural extension of love and should not be treated as a problem to be fixed.
• 😀 Loss cannot be solved or minimized through platitudes or quick fixes; it requires compassion and understanding.
• 😀 Companionship, not correction, is what grieving individuals truly need from others.
• 😀 Grief is not a disease or disorder but a painful response to loss that must be experienced and tended to with respect.
• 😀 Words of comfort often fail because they dismiss the pain or try to rationalize loss, making the grieving person feel worse.
• 😀 There are no universal stages of grief; grief manifests uniquely for each person and cannot be linearized.
• 😀 Our culture’s aversion to pain and emotional discomfort makes grief harder to process, as society encourages 'quick fixes' and happiness.
• 😀 The entertainment industry's portrayal of grief often leads to unrealistic expectations, suggesting people must 'overcome' grief rather than live with it.
• 😀 Acknowledging grief, respecting its presence, and allowing space for it is a powerful tool for navigating the new reality after loss.
• 😀 Early grief can leave individuals without the words to express their pain, making it important to be gentle with oneself and avoid rushing through the process.
• 😀 Support systems for grieving individuals should focus on offering presence and understanding rather than trying to solve or diminish their grief.

Q & A

What is the main premise of Megan Devine's approach to grief?

Megan Devine emphasizes that grief is not a problem to be solved but an experience to be tenderly managed. Rather than rushing to fix grief or minimize it, she advocates for embracing it as an extension of the love we shared with the person we lost.

How does our society typically handle grief, according to Megan Devine?

Society tends to dismiss or minimize grief with comforting but unhelpful words or actions. This approach often leaves grieving individuals feeling isolated, as it fails to acknowledge the depth and reality of their pain.

What does Megan Devine mean by 'grief is not a disease'?

Devine argues that grief is not a medical condition to be treated or a disorder to be cured. Instead, it is a natural response to loss that requires compassion and understanding, not quick fixes or solutions.

Why is 'companioning' preferred over 'correcting' when supporting someone who is grieving?

'Companioning' means being present with the grieving person, offering understanding and empathy, rather than trying to 'correct' their grief with advice or solutions. Grieving individuals need emotional support, not efforts to diminish or fix their pain.

What is the issue with using phrases like 'she wouldn't want you to be sad'?

Phrases like 'she wouldn't want you to be sad' dismiss the reality of the grieving person's emotions. These words imply that sadness is wrong and should be avoided, which can deepen the person's sense of loneliness and isolation.

How does Megan Devine view the stages of grief, as popularized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross?

Devine critiques the popularized model of the five stages of grief, stating that grief is not linear and does not follow a set sequence. She argues that grief is individual and can manifest in various ways, rather than adhering to a fixed progression.

What impact does the media have on how we view grief, according to the transcript?

The media often portrays grief as something that must be overcome or transformed into a positive outcome, leading people to feel abnormal if they don't experience a quick resolution to their grief. This contributes to a culture that minimizes the reality of unredeemable grief.

What does 'bearing witness' to grief mean, and why is it important?

'Bearing witness' to grief means acknowledging and accepting grief as part of the emotional process, rather than trying to fix it. This approach allows individuals to experience their grief fully, while also honoring the love that preceded it.

How can grieving individuals protect themselves from cultural pressure to 'move on'?

Grieving individuals can protect themselves by recognizing that their grief is valid and not adhering to cultural expectations that require them to move on quickly. It’s important to resist the pressure to ‘get better’ and instead focus on self-compassion and allowing the grief to unfold naturally.

What are some tools or methods suggested for dealing with early grief?

In early grief, one of the challenges is finding the right words to describe the feelings. It’s okay to acknowledge what you can and cannot do during this time. Practicing self-kindness, respecting your limits, and not following a fixed timeline for returning to 'normal' are key tools in navigating early grief.