Think before you speak, hacking the secret of communication | Catherine Molloy | TEDxEnniskillen

Summary

The speaker emphasizes the importance of conscious communication to prevent misinterpretations and conflicts. Through personal anecdotes and the 'power of three' framework—body language, mindfulness, and understanding behaviors—she illustrates how being aware of our actions and reactions can lead to more effective and harmonious interactions. The talk encourages embracing these tools to enhance personal and professional relationships, advocating for a more mindful and present approach to communication.

Takeaways

• 🗣️ Communication is often misunderstood due to unspoken thoughts or non-verbal cues that can lead to miscommunication.
• 🤔 The importance of being conscious of how we are perceived lies in understanding that our body language and tone can convey messages differently than what we intend.
• 👫 In relationships, even small misunderstandings like a nod or a tense expression can escalate into larger conflicts if not addressed consciously.
• 🚗 The story of the car ride illustrates how split-second reactions without clear communication can lead to unnecessary arguments.
• 🔄 Miscommunication often starts with assumptions we make about others' intentions without verifying through conscious dialogue.
• 💡 The 'power of three' concept is introduced as a tool to improve communication: understanding body language, being mindful, and recognizing behaviors.
• 🤝 Conscious communication involves aligning our words with our actions to prevent silent misunderstandings and to foster clearer connections.
• 🧘‍♀️ Mindfulness is key in communication, urging us to be aware of our own reactions and the context in which we communicate.
• 👥 Understanding our behaviors, especially under pressure, can help us predict and manage our responses in conversations for better outcomes.
• 🌐 The Conscious Connection Framework is presented as a method to improve communication by leveraging body language, mindfulness, and behavior understanding.
• 😊 A simple act like smiling can make a significant difference in how we connect with others and can be a part of conscious communication.

Q & A

What is the main issue with communication as discussed in the script?

The main issue with communication is that people often feel they have communicated when they haven't, leading to miscommunication. This can occur through non-verbal cues like nods or winks, which may not convey the intended message.

What is the 'power of three' mentioned in the script?

The 'power of three' refers to the three tools or aspects of communication that can help reduce miscommunication: body language, mindfulness, and understanding behaviors.

How does the speaker illustrate the concept of miscommunication in the script?

The speaker uses a personal anecdote about a misunderstanding with her husband while driving, where she tensed up, thinking he wanted to change lanes, and he thought she was reacting negatively to his driving.

What is the significance of being mindful in communication according to the script?

Being mindful is significant because it involves being aware of oneself, the person being communicated with, and the context of the conversation. This awareness helps in preventing miscommunication and reacting appropriately.

Why is understanding one's own behaviors important in the context of the script?

Understanding one's own behaviors is important because it helps individuals recognize how they react under pressure and in different situations, enabling them to adjust their responses and communicate more effectively.

What is the 'Conscious Connection Framework' mentioned by the speaker?

The 'Conscious Connection Framework' is a concept created by the speaker in 2017 that emphasizes the importance of conscious communication, using body language, mindfulness, and understanding behaviors to improve communication.

How does the speaker suggest we can improve our communication skills?

The speaker suggests improving communication skills by being more present, consciously communicating, being aware of body language, practicing mindfulness, and understanding behaviors to create a level playing field for effective communication.

What role does body language play in the communication process as per the script?

Body language plays a crucial role in communication as it can convey messages without words. However, it can also miscommunicate easily if not used mindfully, creating a domino effect in conversations and life.

Why is it important to reflect on our actions and reactions during communication?

Reflecting on our actions and reactions is important because it helps us understand the impact of our behavior on communication. It allows us to correct misunderstandings and improve our interactions with others.

What is the impact of miscommunication on personal and professional relationships as suggested in the script?

Miscommunication can lead to conflicts and strained relationships, both personal and professional. It can cause unnecessary arguments, misunderstandings, and even sever ties with family members, jobs, or friends.

How can we apply the insights from the script to daily life to reduce miscommunication?

We can apply the insights by being more conscious of our body language, practicing mindfulness during conversations, understanding our behaviors and reactions, and reflecting on our communication to ensure it is clear and effective.

Outlines

00:00

🗣️ Miscommunication in Daily Conversations

The speaker, Ly Huong, discusses the common issue of miscommunication in everyday life, suggesting that people often think they have communicated effectively but may not have. She emphasizes the importance of understanding how one is perceived and introduces the concept of 'the power of three' to improve conscious communication. The speaker shares a personal anecdote about a misunderstanding with her husband, John, during a car ride, highlighting how non-verbal cues can lead to misinterpretations. The incident serves as a springboard to discuss the need for clear and conscious communication to avoid unnecessary conflict.

05:01

🤔 The Impact of Unconscious Assumptions

In this paragraph, the speaker delves into the consequences of making assumptions without proper communication. She recounts the story of the car ride with her husband, where both parties made quick judgments based on their perceptions, leading to a brief argument. The speaker points out that such miscommunications are common and can escalate conflicts. She stresses the significance of being aware of one's own body language and how it is interpreted by others. The speaker also touches on the idea that our thoughts, assumptions, and values can drive our behaviors and sometimes lead us astray, urging the audience to practice conscious communication to avoid such pitfalls.

10:01

🌟 The Conscious Connection Framework

The speaker introduces the Conscious Connection Framework, a tool she developed in 2017 to enhance communication. She outlines three key elements: understanding body language, being mindful in conversations, and recognizing one's own behaviors under pressure. The speaker believes that these elements, when combined, create a foundation for effective communication that can lead to win-win outcomes. She encourages the audience to be more present and aware in their interactions, suggesting that this conscious approach can significantly reduce miscommunication and improve relationships. The speaker concludes by prompting the audience to express gratitude to one another, demonstrating the power of a simple, mindful act of communication.

Keywords

💡Communication

Communication is the process of exchanging information, ideas, or feelings through speech, signals, writing, or behavior. In the video, it is the central theme as the speaker discusses the importance of effective communication to avoid misunderstandings and misinterpretations. The speaker uses the example of miscommunication through body language and non-verbal cues, such as nodding or eye-rolling, to illustrate the complexity of this process.

💡Miscommunication

Miscommunication refers to the failure to convey or understand the intended message. The video emphasizes the prevalence of miscommunication in everyday interactions, often stemming from unspoken assumptions or non-verbal signals. The example of the speaker's husband misinterpreting her leaning back as a sign of tension rather than an attempt to facilitate lane changing highlights the consequences of miscommunication.

💡Body Language

Body language encompasses the non-verbal cues, such as facial expressions, gestures, posture, and movements, that convey messages alongside or instead of spoken words. The video script discusses the power and potential misinterpretation of body language, as demonstrated when the speaker's husband misreads her body language in the car, leading to an argument.

💡Conscious Communication

Conscious communication is the deliberate and intentional act of expressing oneself clearly and being aware of how one's message is perceived. The speaker advocates for this approach to minimize misunderstandings. The concept is exemplified by the speaker's realization of her role in the miscommunication and her subsequent apology, which led to a resolution.

💡Perception

Perception is the process of interpreting and organizing sensory information to form a meaningful understanding. In the context of the video, it is crucial for effective communication, as it determines how one's message or body language is understood by others. The speaker's discussion on being perceived while driving and the ensuing confusion underlines the importance of being aware of others' perceptions.

💡Stress

Stress is a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from demanding circumstances. The video touches on how stress can affect communication, as people may react or behave differently under pressure. The speaker's mention of understanding one's behavior under pressure is a call to be mindful of how stress can influence interactions.

💡Apology

An apology is a formal acknowledgment of an error or offense accompanied by a statement of regret. In the video, the act of apologizing is presented as a powerful tool for resolving conflicts and misunderstandings. The speaker's apology to her husband after realizing the miscommunication serves as a turning point in their conversation.

💡Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the current moment, aware of where one's attention is directed. The video promotes mindfulness as a means to improve communication by being aware of one's own reactions and the context of the conversation. The speaker's emphasis on being mindful of oneself and others is a key component of her Conscious Connection Framework.

💡Behavior

Behavior refers to the actions or reactions of an individual in various situations. The video script discusses understanding one's own behavior, especially under stress, as a way to improve communication. The speaker's reference to the domino effect created by split-second reactions underscores the impact of behavior on communication outcomes.

💡Conscious Connection Framework

The Conscious Connection Framework is a concept introduced by the speaker in 2017, aimed at enhancing communication through body language awareness, mindfulness, and understanding behaviors. It is presented as a tool to create a level playing field for effective communication, with the speaker's personal experience serving as an example of its application.

💡Presence

Presence in the video refers to being fully attentive and existing in the current moment during communication. The speaker believes that being present matters and can lead to more meaningful and clear interactions. The call to action for the audience to reflect and consciously communicate emphasizes the importance of presence in reducing miscommunication.

Highlights

The biggest problem with communication is the feeling of having communicated when in fact one may not have effectively conveyed the message.

Non-verbal cues like nods, winks, or eye rolls can lead to miscommunication.

To be a change agent, one must improve their communication skills to ensure messages are clearly perceived.

Confusion in communication can arise from self-talk and the stories we tell ourselves about others' words.

The 'power of three' secret is introduced to eliminate miscommunication and promote conscious communication.

Changing one's language can lead to a transformation in life and the lives of others.

A personal anecdote illustrates the importance of conscious communication during a car ride with the speaker's husband.

Misinterpretation of body language can lead to unnecessary conflict in relationships.

People often react impulsively before engaging in verbal communication, which can exacerbate misunderstandings.

Understanding one's own body language and its impact is crucial for effective communication.

The speaker emphasizes controlling one's actions and responses rather than trying to control others' feelings.

Leaders, even the world's greatest, can miscommunicate between their words and actions.

The speaker suggests telling people what to do instead of what not to do to avoid miscommunication.

A quote by the speaker emphasizes the importance of behavior over belief in defining a person's character.

The Conscious Connection Framework was created to help individuals communicate more consciously and effectively.

Three essential tools for communication are identified: body language, mindfulness, and understanding behaviors.

The speaker encourages reducing miscommunication by being more present and consciously communicating in the moment.

The impact of a smile and conscious communication is demonstrated through an audience interaction.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Ly Huong Reviewer: Annet Johnson

The biggest problem with communicating is that you feel you have,

but maybe you haven’t.

I’m going to be a little bold right now

and say, “Maybe you haven’t really communicated at all.”

Perhaps you thought something, but you didn’t verbally communicate it.

Or perhaps you communicated through a nod, a wink, a roll of the eyes,

and actually miscommunicated your message.

To truly be the change,

we need to hack our communication and understand how we’re being perceived.

Confused?

Good.

So are most of the people we communicate to,

ourselves included.

Sometimes we tell ourselves all these different stories

and we start to become a bit confused.

We think about things like, he said and she said and they said.

And, you know, we all become confused.

But the good news is,

today, I’m going to drop the secret of “the power of three”

to help take away that miscommunication

and to actually help with conscious communication.

Because I truly believe that when you change your language,

you can change your life and the lives of those that you communicate to.

So how are we going to do this today is,

I’m going to hack a conversation that my husband John and I recently had.

For context, my husband quite often drives me to the airport or picks me up

or takes me to a conference or an event.

This day we’re on our way to a corporate

and I was going to have a little bit of a chat around body language.

So we spent a lot of the time in the car.

You know, we’ll sing, we’ll chat, we’ll catch up on things.

I don’t know about you, but we have a good time in the car, right?

Now, hang on, I see a few of you

(Laughs)

might be more that backseat driver and have a bit more fun, you know,

like, “Look out darling, there’s lights up ahead”

or “Watch out for the cow over there in the paddock”

or “There’s a roundabout indicator!”

You know, it may not be as much fun, or more perhaps.

But this day John and I were in the car and I said to him, “Do you mind?

I’ve got to get some emails done.”

So he gave me a nod.

You know, we were consciously communicating.

I whipped out my phone and started work.

All good, right?

So we’re driving down a three-lane highway

and we’re in the middle lane with a lane on each side.

As we’re driving and I’m working on my emails,

I see my husband’s head start to turn.

You know, we’ve all got peripheral vision.

So I quickly leant back so he could change lanes.

All good again, right?

Wrong.

Next minute there was this heat down my arm.

John can get some pretty hot heat when he’s getting angry.

I looked at him and I said, “What’s wrong?”

This is what he said -

Remember, he’s driving.

“You don’t have to stiffen up and tense up when I’m driving.

There’s nothing wrong with my driving.”

Well, I don’t know about you, but we’ve been married for 30 years

so maybe I’ve tensed up once or twice when he’s gone up.

got us in roundabouts.

And he has backed into every car we’ve ever owned,

even the kids’ cars.

So I’ve probably tensed up a few times.

But this time he was in the right;

I was tensing up and I shouldn’t be tensing up.

Now, I don’t particularly like being yelled at for something I didn’t do.

So I looked at my husband

and I said, “Sorry, I just leant back so you could change lanes.”

And this is what he said,

“Sorry.”

And that was the end of the conversation.

Have you ever been yelled at for something that you haven’t done?

And I’d love to know: “How did that make you feel?”

You see, husbands and wives and partners,

they can fight for days because of the raise of an eyebrow at the wrong time.

So I had the right to be really mad at him

for yelling at me for something I didn’t do, didn’t I?

Or did I?

You see, most of us react in a split second.

So we react before we even speak.

So right now, John had the right to be angry at me

because he was in the right.

Well, that’s a whole other TED talk.

(Chuckles)

He felt he was in the right at this stage, because I had tensed up.

Had I been able to use my language with my actions at the same time

and I’d said to him, “Would you like to change lanes?”

none of this silent miscommunication, anger, would ever have happened.

You see, it’s interesting, isn’t it?

Because in my split second,

I made up a story for John that he needed to change lanes.

And in his split second,

he made up a story for me that I was tensing up.

I wonder, have you ever made up a story for someone?

Have you ever seen someone looking angry or frustrated or tired

and perhaps you made up a story for them?

Or maybe even for yourself at times?

Or maybe it even happened today?

Can I see a show of hands,

if you’ve ever made up a story for someone without asking them what was wrong?

Yes, we all have.

We’re all human.

You know, we have thousands of thoughts that go through our head every day.

And these are the thoughts that, you know, drive our behaviors,

drive our assumptions, and even drive our values.

And even drive all of us crazy at times.

So to be the change, we need to really learn to start to consciously communicate.

People spend a lot of time trying to read other people’s body language,

but it’s very subjective.

I’ve been studying this for a quarter of a century.

And what I’ve discovered is the most important thing

is for you to understand what your body language is saying

and how it’s being perceived and received in the conversation.

You know, I can’t even control 10% of how you’re going to feel

about this conversation today.

But I can control 100% of my actions

and how I respond to the situation.

You know, it was very funny how we both made up stories for each other

and we were both wrong, but we didn’t really know it at the time.

And my very simple movement of just leaning back

turned a peaceful moment into a war zone,

and I didn’t even know that was going to happen.

And, you know, even some of our greatest leaders in the world

constantly and consistently miscommunicate between their words and their actions.

(Video)

“Start working on not touching your face, because ...”

“We’re always saying the common sense of washing your hands,

not touching your face.”

So you’ve seen,

it’s quite a hard thing to control this split-second reaction

when we’re not conscious in our communication.

And I say, instead of telling people what not to do,

we need to tell them what to do.

So if I said to you all right now, “Don’t think of a purple tomato.

No, no, don’t think of it.”

You’re all thinking of a purple tomato.

And I understood, when I reflected in the car,

that the miscommunication actually started with me

when I didn’t use my words with my actions.

And just imagine how many times a day this happens to everybody.

So what I actually did was, then I penned this quote here,

“What you believe doesn’t make you a better person;

the way you behave does.”

You see, what we believe isn’t always right;

I believed John needed to change lanes and he believed I was tensing up,

but the way we behave does.

When I quickly reflected and consciously communicated my actions to John,

I was able to apologize

and then he was able to apologize to me too.

What are we going to do about this?

Are we going to spend the rest of our lives hacking conversations

and communication to take a bad situation away and to make something else better?

It’s a lot of work being a conscious leader.

It’s a lot of work

understanding that you can react in a split second before you speak.

Is it more fun to yell and scream at everybody

to prove you’re right and they must be wrong?

But at what cost ...

to your health?

And at what cost to your relationships?

I even know people that will cut off a family member,

that will cut off a job, that will cut off a friend,

because they must be right.

That other person must be wrong.

I remember a 60-year-old man.

He was in tears with me one day

and he said, “I wish I knew this when I was 21.”

I think whether you’re hearing it when you’re nine or when you’re 70,

that we can still be the change

by consciously starting to be more present in our communication,

that we can communicate at that little bit of a higher level,

a more conscious level.

Because I truly believe the number one skill most needed on the planet today

is conscious communication.

And, in 2017, I created the Conscious Connection Framework.

And this is going to be our secret hack today,

the three things that we’ve all been given.

The first thing is our body language,

understanding that we react in that split second.

This creates our domino effect in our conversations and in our life

and in work.

Our body speaks so loudly without saying a word,

and yet, it can miscommunicate so easily, if we’re not mindful.

So the second thing is being mindful:

being mindful of yourself,

being mindful of the person you’re talking to,

being mindful of the context in which you’re speaking.

And the third thing that I would love you to invest some time in

is understanding behaviors.

Understanding your raw behavior when you’re under pressure,

how you're going to react.

And once we start to understand this,

we can start to connect and communicate with anyone, anywhere,

for win-win results.

These are the three tools we’ve all been given:

our body, our mind, and our natural behaviors.

And once we start to understand this

and put it together, we create a level playing field

where we can connect and communicate with anyone, anywhere.

And I truly believe that, you know, in this world that we live in today,

that using these three powerful tools we’ve all been given

will make a big difference.

And I believe today that, you know,

when you stop and when you talk to somebody and put that smile on your face,

it makes a difference.

So I’m going to ask you right now just to turn to one person.

Just one person.

I want you to say, “I’m glad you’re here today.“

Go.

(Audience talking)

All right, come back to me.

Come back to me.

Fantastic.

And you know what?

You said that with a smile.

And when you smile, it is the best you will ever look.

So, boy, do I have a good-looking crowd here today.

So in this world that we're in, you can be the change.

You can be the change by consciously communicating

and being aware of your body language,

practicing being mindful,

and understanding behaviors to create that level playing field

where you understand your domino effect.

You can have more win-wins in your life with your family, with your friends.

Wouldn’t that be great?

Just imagine reducing miscommunication by 10% or 20% or even 30%.

I truly believe that your presence in the present moment matters.

What if we all reflected just a little bit more

and learned to consciously communicate?

Thank you.

(Applause)