Your FEAR MIND and narcissistic relationships
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful video, Dr. Romy delves into the impact of fear in narcissistic relationships and its subsequent effect on life choices. She discusses how fear can generalize beyond the relationship, leading to risk aversion and self-doubt. The video encourages viewers to explore their fears, consider how they would act without fear, and emphasizes the importance of healing from the fear mind to make more authentic, self-assured decisions.
Takeaways
- ๐จ Narcissistic relationships are characterized by chronic fear, including fear of getting things wrong, fear of rage, and fear of abandonment.
- ๐ค The fear in these relationships can lead to existential concerns such as questioning one's identity and self-worth outside of the relationship.
- ๐ซ Fear can generalize to other areas of life, causing individuals to become risk-averse and second-guess their decisions, leading to inaction or overcompensation.
- ๐ฎ The 'fear mind' struggles with decision-making, often anticipating failure and being impulsive, which can affect personal and professional choices.
- ๐ง Healing from narcissistic relationships involves addressing the internalized fear and learning to trust oneself again, making decisions from a place of curiosity rather than fear.
- ๐คทโโ๏ธ The fear response can be protective, but it can also hinder personal growth and exploration, leading to a state of anxious arousal and hypervigilance.
- ๐ก Becoming curious about one's fears, their origins, and their reality is a crucial step in the healing process and moving beyond the fear mind.
- ๐ Recognizing the physiological role of fear in keeping us safe and then consciously allowing oneself to see beyond it is part of the healing journey.
- ๐ช Healing involves a deep dive into one's fears, understanding their impact, and making choices that align with personal goals and interests, rather than fear-driven decisions.
- ๐ The speaker encourages individuals to consider how they would act if they were not afraid, suggesting that this perspective can lead to more deliberate and thoughtful actions.
- ๐ The ultimate goal of healing from a narcissistic relationship is to find a balance between caution and fearlessness, embracing one's authentic self and making choices that reflect personal values and aspirations.
Q & A
What is the main theme of Dr. Romy's YouTube channel?
-The main theme of Dr. Romy's YouTube channel is on narcissism, focusing on narcissistic relationships, healing from these relationships, and dealing with the fear and anxiety that arises from them.
Why are narcissistic relationships often characterized by fear?
-Narcissistic relationships are characterized by fear due to the unpredictability and potential for rage from the narcissistic person, which can be triggered by seemingly small things, leading to a constant state of anxiety and fear of the relationship ending.
What are some of the common fears experienced in narcissistic relationships?
-Common fears in narcissistic relationships include fear of getting things wrong, fear of rage, fear of disappointing the narcissist, fear of the relationship ending, and existential fears about one's identity and self-worth.
How does the fear experienced in narcissistic relationships affect other areas of life?
-The fear experienced in narcissistic relationships can bleed into other areas of life, causing a person to become risk-averse, distrusting of themselves, and hesitant to take reasonable risks or make decisions outside of the relationship.
What is the 'fear mind' and how does it impact decision-making?
-The 'fear mind' is a state of mind where fear dominates decision-making, leading to avoidance of decisions, impulsivity, and an expectation that things will go wrong. It can cause a person to hold back or take unnecessary risks, rather than making thoughtful choices.
How does the fear mind affect an individual's approach to life after a narcissistic relationship?
-The fear mind can cause an individual to continue living in a state of anxious arousal and hypervigilance, holding back from taking chances and believing in themselves, which can hinder personal growth and exploration of new opportunities.
What is the significance of asking 'How would you respond if you were not afraid?'
-Asking 'How would you respond if you were not afraid?' is a way to encourage individuals to consider their actions and decisions without the influence of fear, allowing them to explore what they truly want and believe in, rather than being driven by fear.
What is the role of curiosity in the healing process from a narcissistic relationship?
-Curiosity plays a crucial role in the healing process as it allows individuals to explore their fears, question their origins, and understand the reality of their fears. It helps in moving away from a fear-based approach to a more thoughtful and deliberate way of living.
How can an individual begin to heal from the fear mind?
-An individual can begin to heal from the fear mind by starting with curiosity about their fears, understanding their origins, and examining the reality and irrationality of these fears. This involves a deep dive into their emotional responses and a gradual shift towards a more self-assured and self-trustful mindset.
What is the difference between making decisions based on fear and making decisions based on curiosity?
-Decisions based on fear are often impulsive, avoidant, or overly cautious, driven by a desire to avoid negative outcomes. In contrast, decisions based on curiosity involve a thoughtful exploration of options, a consideration of personal interests and goals, and a willingness to take reasonable risks.
How does the process of individuation and healing relate to overcoming fear?
-Individuation and healing involve reaching a point where an individual can wonder and explore how they would move through the world without fear, and then taking steps to understand and address the root causes of their fears, ultimately leading to a more authentic and self-assured way of living.
Outlines
๐จ Fear in Narcissistic Relationships
Dr. Romy discusses the pervasive fear experienced in narcissistic relationships, characterized by the fear of making mistakes, facing rage, or ending the relationship due to minor errors. This fear is compounded by the unpredictability of the narcissist's reactions, leading to a state of constant anxiety and hypervigilance. The fear can extend into other areas of life, causing individuals to become risk-averse and second-guess their decisions. The internalized critical voice from the narcissist can lead to self-doubt and a tendency to hold back or take extreme risks. Healing involves overcoming this fear response and learning to trust oneself again.
๐ค Moving Beyond Fear: The Path to Healing
This paragraph explores the idea of what actions one might take if they were not governed by fear in their life, particularly outside of the context of a narcissistic relationship. It suggests that without fear, individuals might make more deliberate and thoughtful decisions, rather than being driven by avoidance of failure or rejection. Dr. Romy encourages curiosity about one's fears, their origins, and their reality, as a means to begin healing. The process involves recognizing the protective nature of fear while also challenging its influence to live more authentically. The ultimate goal is to move from a place of fear to one of curiosity and self-exploration, allowing for more genuine decision-making and personal growth.
Mindmap
Keywords
๐กNarcissism
๐กFear Mind
๐กHealing
๐กTrauma
๐กRisk Aversion
๐กExistential Fear
๐กHypervigilance
๐กImpulsivity
๐กIndividuation
๐กCuriosity
๐กAbandonment
Highlights
The discussion focuses on healing from narcissistic relationships and the impact of fear in these dynamics.
Fear is a chronic presence in narcissistic relationships, stemming from fear of getting it wrong, rage, and disappointment.
Narcissistic relationships are characterized by unpredictability and rage, which can trigger existential fears about one's identity and self-worth.
The fear mind can bleed into other areas of life, causing a general avoidance of risks and a lack of trust in oneself.
Internalized critical voices from the narcissist can lead to self-doubt and a fear of failure, impacting decision-making.
Fear can lead to both holding back and taking massive risks, showing the complex impact of fear on behavior.
Healing involves considering how one would respond if they were not afraid, encouraging a more deliberate approach to life decisions.
The fear response can continue to affect individuals even after leaving a narcissistic relationship, leading to a state of anxious arousal and hypervigilance.
Curious exploration of one's fears can be a starting point for healing, by understanding the origins and reality of these fears.
Healing is about moving from a protective mode to a curious and thoughtful approach to life choices.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of individuation and healing by imagining life without fear and examining the impact of narcissistic behaviors.
Unpacking the fear of abandonment, a common issue in narcissistic relationships, can be a step towards understanding and healing.
The speaker suggests that healing involves moving from fear to disgust, as a way to reframe the experience of narcissistic behaviors.
Healing from trauma involves physiologically consoling oneself and recognizing the protective role of the fear response.
The journey of healing is about slowly stepping back from fear and considering life choices without the influence of fear.
The speaker encourages taking off the 'fear glasses' and looking at life with a different perspective as part of the healing process.
Transcripts
hey everyone it's Dr Romy welcome back
to this YouTube channel on narcissism
and narcissistic relationships healing
from these relationships and we're going
to talk about healing and the fear mind
today narcissistic relationships are
chronic places of fear from pretty early
on fear of getting it wrong fear of Rage
fear of disappointing them fear of the
relationship ending if you do even one
thing wrong fear that you are to blame
it makes sense because narcissistic
relationships are so characterized by
rage and an
unpredictability you don't always know
what sets the narcissistic person off
and a small thing can result in them
having a big blow up if you don't go
along you may face the silent treatment
passive aggression or abandonment which
can bring up more fear there is also an
existential fear raised by these
relationships a sense of who am I
without this relationship why can't I
get it right what is wrong with me ask
anyone in or even out of a narcissistic
relationship a prevailing emotion in the
relationship was either fear or
anxiety
unfortunately this fear mind starts to
bleed into other areas of your life
because not only only do narcissistic
relationships fill you with fear they
also leave you feeling risk averse you
no longer trust yourself you may even
have an instinct to do something and
then you second guess yourself and you
hold back fear of failing fear of being
made fun of for failing fear of doing
the wrong
thing when we view this from a trauma
and parts model some of that holding
back
is that part of you that is trying to
protect you from
failure and then subsequently the
anticipation of the narcissistic
person's anchor or mockery jumping in
there while the voices you hear within
you are you stupid you're never going to
be able to do that certainly they feel
harmful they're also simultaneously
protective because yes failure will be
met with shame and more abuse or
humiliation from the narcissist IC
person even when you are not doing
something that has anything to do with
the narcissistic person their
internalized voice the fears you carry
within you generalize and thus for years
in school work and life you may hold
back and not try or in some cases you
may overdo it on the other side and take
massive risks that could place You In
Harm's Way
it's hard to find your middle of
trusting yourself and making reasonable
risks now if you grew up with
narcissistic parents in many cases this
fear-based approach can mean that you
don't take chances you don't believe in
yourself and you approach things with a
fear mind and fear Minds
avoid a fear mind struggles to make make
a decision a fear mind assumes it will
all go wrong and expects it to go wrong
a fear mind can be impulsive and this
fear mind can also spring up in adult
narcissistic relationships
too so that leads to a big
question that relates to
Healing how would you
respond if you were not afraid
obviously in places other than the
narcissistic relationship because those
are
scary it's okay to be cautious in the
narcissistic relationship because yes
they will snap and bite and criticize
but what about everything else in your
life which is really what
matters what would you do there how
would or could you respond if you were
not
afraid because that is what healing is
the fear response that
just bothers and gets so many people
after and during narcissistic
relationships can mean that you continue
to live in what feel like trauma
responses a state of anxious arousal
hypervigilance and that takes up a lot
of
bandwidth you are still in protective
mode and protective mode can often mean
that you hold back which makes sense
your sympathetic nervous system screams
no no no no no no danger failure is
possible ahead humiliation looks around
that corner abandonment is sure to come
if you speak your
mind but what would you
do if you were not fearful
interestingly I know that most folks
would not throw caution to the wind and
you wouldn't become a a big Fearless
Rebel when you are not afraid you
actually may be more deliberate weigh
things out but not just say no I can't
but rather H let me think on this and do
a deeper
dive into whether I want to do something
and whether you believe you can do
something how it fits for you as a
person with your
goals your choices aren't rejected from
a place of Fe fear nor are they
impulsively engaged in but they're
thought
through as you heal you become more
Curious you wonder if something could be
right for you you actually think about
your you the essence of you so now you
may decide to take the job not because
you're afraid that if you don't take
this job another won't come not because
that if you don't then people will leave
you or think you are a
loser but because the job is something
that you are interested
in it's different to make a choice from
that place or you may decide to not take
the job not because you think you will
fail at it but because it isn't a good
fit the pay isn't enough or it's not
compelling enough again you are curious
about it you explore it and make your
choice not
theirs I am not saying that this is easy
and you can start this journey of
curiosity by being curious about your
fear the origin of it the reality of it
what you are really afraid of listen
folks if you're going to be living in
fear then at least unpack it for example
if you are afraid of
Abandonment if you fail at something
first of
all not such a bad thing if the
narcissistic person went away but I know
it's not that simple but that
abandonment wound is often Primal for us
so be curious where is that
from perhaps you had a withholding
narcissistic
parent or a narcissistic person who
would disappear or give you the silent
treatment or perhaps there was some
other early loss in the early to middle
part of healing fear is everywhere but
you have to pull the weed out from the
very bottom roots or it will come
back individuation and healing mean
getting yourself to this point of
wondering how you would move through the
world if you were not afraid and then
really do a deep dive into the reality
and not and the not reality of your
fears the narcissistic person may make
fun of you if you don't do well for
example but so what you know that their
maneuver is to try to make themselves
big to leave you small to fill their
supply needs and to dominate they really
aren't making fun of you they're just
trying to make themselves
taller but while it is happening none of
it feels good however even getting it
out of the realm of fear into the realm
of disgust
is an important
pivot healing from trauma in all its
forms is about healing the fear mind
physiologically consoling ourselves
recognizing that the fear response keeps
us
safe and then allowing ourselves to see
how it all
works I'm going to ask it
again how would you move through the
world if you weren't afraid of The
Narcissist there is a lot of you that
the world needs to see start with
curiosity and see if you can slowly step
back out of it take those fear glasses
off and put a different pair on thanks
again
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