The Sneaky Mental Rule that Lets your Emotions Control You

Summary

This video discusses the impact of trying to control emotions and how it can lead to avoidance, limiting life experiences. It highlights the paradox that controlling emotions often leads to them controlling you. Through various examples—like mourning, relationships, and anxiety—it shows that avoiding emotions can limit growth and happiness. The key takeaway is replacing the mental rule of 'controlling emotions' with the principle of 'allowing emotions and making choices based on love and connection.' By trusting yourself with your feelings, you can live a richer, more fulfilling life, embracing both joy and pain.

Takeaways

• 😀 Emotions are often controlled due to societal beliefs that they are a sign of weakness, but avoiding emotions can limit personal growth and happiness.
• 😀 People sometimes avoid things they love (like watching football) because they fear emotional reactions, such as crying, which breaks internal mental rules of controlling emotions.
• 😀 A key issue with trying to control emotions is that it often leads to avoidance, limiting one's ability to live a fulfilling life and engage in activities they care about.
• 😀 Emotions should not be in the driver's seat of decision-making, but trying to control them entirely by avoiding them leads to a life restricted by fear.
• 😀 Trying to avoid emotional pain, such as fear of heartbreak or anxiety, can prevent people from forming meaningful relationships or living fully.
• 😀 The paradox is that by allowing yourself to experience emotions, such as anxiety or sadness, you can regain control of your life and begin to make empowered choices.
• 😀 Avoiding difficult feelings (like guilt or sadness) often results in emotional numbness and the avoidance of important life events, such as funerals.
• 😀 Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, but the fear of guilt or discomfort shouldn't prevent you from asserting yourself. It’s a sign of growth, not weakness.
• 😀 Emotions like anxiety and guilt serve useful functions, but trying to numb or avoid them diminishes the richness of life, blocking both painful and joyful experiences.
• 😀 Strong individuals are those who embrace all emotions—allowing themselves to feel difficult emotions while still making choices based on love, connection, and personal growth.
• 😀 The key to emotional well-being is not controlling emotions but trusting yourself to handle them, making decisions based on your values rather than fear or avoidance.

Q & A

What mental rule is being discussed in the script?

The script discusses a mental rule where emotions must be controlled, specifically avoiding feelings of sadness or vulnerability. The idea is that showing emotions is seen as weakness or a lack of control.

How does the mental rule affect the man’s relationship with BYU football?

The man avoids watching BYU football after his father's death because it might trigger emotions, especially sadness or grief. His internal rule of controlling emotions prevents him from enjoying something he once loved.

What is the second mental rule introduced in the script?

The second mental rule is that if a person might get emotional, they should avoid the situation or activity that could trigger those emotions. This rule leads to avoidance of experiences that could elicit negative feelings.

What is the paradox discussed in the script regarding emotions and control?

The paradox is that in trying to control emotions and avoid uncomfortable feelings, people end up limiting their experiences and choices. In reality, avoiding emotions only leads to further control by those emotions, preventing people from fully living their lives.

How does this mental rule impact relationships?

The mental rule can lead people to avoid getting close to others, whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or family. The fear of emotional pain leads them to keep others at arm's length, which ultimately limits the depth and richness of those relationships.

What are some examples of how people try to control emotions?

Examples include avoiding situations that could cause anxiety, such as going to the store, avoiding new relationships for fear of being hurt, or trying not to cry at a funeral. In each case, the attempt to control emotions results in the person avoiding meaningful experiences.

How can one regain control over their emotions, according to the script?

One can regain control by replacing the mental rule of emotional control with a new rule: acknowledging that emotions can be influenced but not controlled. The key is to allow oneself to feel emotions without avoiding them, while making choices based on love, connection, and a fulfilling life.

What is the recommended approach to handling emotions in the script?

The script encourages people to trust themselves with their emotions, allowing themselves to feel both painful and joyful emotions. The goal is not to avoid emotions but to live a rich, meaningful life while handling emotions in healthy, balanced ways.

What role do emotions like anxiety, guilt, and love play in our lives?

Emotions serve important functions: anxiety keeps us safe, guilt motivates us to make better choices, and love and pain connect us to others. Avoiding emotions means numbing both painful and positive feelings, which limits our ability to experience the full range of life.

What is the new rule suggested in place of controlling emotions?

The new rule is: 'I can influence my feelings but can't control them. I will allow myself to feel difficult or uncomfortable emotions but will make choices based on love, connection, and a rich, fulfilling life.'