Why people DON'T LIKE IT when you are NICE to them: mind the gap in your attraction

Summary

In this video, Dr. Orion Taraban explores why people sometimes don’t appreciate kindness or affection, despite it being well-intentioned. He explains that the discomfort stems from an imbalance in the 'gap' of attraction, where one person feels either overly adored or uncomfortable with the dynamic. By examining how some individuals prefer power imbalances in relationships, Dr. Taraban offers insights into why being overly nice can make people push back. Ultimately, he suggests that kindness without expectation of recognition may lead to more fulfilling, balanced connections.

Takeaways

• 😀 People may react negatively when you show kindness because it increases the 'gap' in the balance of attraction in relationships.
• 😀 Some individuals prefer to be adored, while others prefer to adore, creating a dynamic tension in relationships when kindness is shown.
• 😀 When kindness is not reciprocated, it creates discomfort because it can alter the perceived power balance between two people.
• 😀 The reaction of being ungrateful or disrespectful when you're kind is often an unconscious attempt to recalibrate the balance of attraction.
• 😀 People who are uncomfortable with being adored might push you away by behaving ungratefully to restore their preferred gap in attraction.
• 😀 Continuing to show kindness in a non-reciprocal situation can make the dynamic more awkward and potentially harmful to the relationship.
• 😀 If you back off after receiving negative feedback, it can recalibrate the balance, potentially leading to a more positive response from the other person.
• 😀 Being kind for the sake of recognition is not truly selfless; if you're not okay with your kindness going unnoticed, you might be seeking acknowledgment.
• 😀 If you're willing to give without any expectation of return or recognition, it might reflect a more virtuous form of love or kindness.
• 😀 Understanding and respecting the other person's preference for the size of the attraction gap is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.

Q & A

Why do people not like it when you're nice to them, according to Dr. Orion Taraban?

Dr. Orion Taraban explains that people often don't like it when you're nice to them because your kindness increases the gap in the 'balance of attraction.' Some individuals prefer to be the adored and feel uncomfortable when the power dynamic shifts or when they perceive the gap as too large.

What are the two ends of the spectrum with respect to the balance of attraction?

The two ends of the spectrum are: one, individuals who prefer to be the adored and avoid power imbalances, and two, those who prefer to be the adorer, with some relationships being more comfortable with large power imbalances, often seen in leader-follower dynamics.

How does non-reciprocal kindness affect the relationship dynamic?

Non-reciprocal kindness increases the gap in attraction, making the person on the receiving end feel uncomfortable. This often leads to negative reactions such as ungratefulness or disrespect, as the individual tries to recalibrate the relationship to their preferred gap size.

Why might someone react negatively when you show them kindness?

They might react negatively because the gap between the two of you in terms of attraction has become uncomfortable for them. They may either not want to be adored by you or feel that the gap is too large for their comfort, leading them to respond with unlikable behavior.

What does Dr. Taraban suggest is the real test of genuine kindness?

The real test of genuine kindness, according to Dr. Taraban, is whether you'd still offer kindness or support anonymously, without seeking recognition or appreciation. If you would be okay with the recipient not knowing the good came from you, then you're likely acting with true generosity.

How can a person's reaction to your kindness be seen as constructive feedback?

A person's negative reaction to your kindness is a form of constructive feedback. They are signaling that the imbalance in attraction or affection is making them uncomfortable, and adjusting your behavior accordingly may lead to a more balanced and successful relationship.

What is the potential benefit of backing off after a negative reaction to kindness?

By backing off after a negative reaction, you may recalibrate the dynamic and reduce the gap in attraction. This might result in the person eventually responding more positively to you once the balance feels more comfortable for them.

What does Dr. Taraban mean by saying that complaining about others' reactions to your kindness is selfish?

Dr. Taraban argues that complaining about others being ungrateful is selfish because it places your preference for the imbalance of attraction above the other person's comfort and preferences. True kindness involves respecting their boundaries and adjusting accordingly.

How does seeking recognition for your good deeds relate to being self-deceptive?

Dr. Taraban suggests that if you seek recognition for your kindness, it reflects a deeper desire for acknowledgment, which can be self-deceptive. You may be pretending that your actions are purely selfless when, in reality, you're also seeking validation.

What is the significance of virtue being its own reward in the context of kindness?

In this context, Dr. Taraban suggests that if you're capable of being kind without expecting anything in return, then you might be acting virtuously. While virtue might not be immediately rewarded by others, it can lead to personal fulfillment and genuine love.