Child Not Listening? Stop Yelling. Do This Instead

Summary

In this video, a pediatric occupational therapist shares a practical five-step method to help parents get their children to listen the first time without yelling or repeating instructions. The method focuses on connecting with your child, giving clear, age-appropriate instructions, and using specific praise or gentle guidance when necessary. By adapting the approach to a child’s developmental stage and offering patience, parents can reduce power struggles and build a cooperative relationship with their child. The video also includes strategies for handling challenging moments when a child is resistant.

Takeaways

• 😀 Children’s brains often block out adult instructions when they are highly focused on something else, like play or TV.
• 😀 Crouching down to your child’s eye level and making physical contact helps get their attention and makes them feel safe.
• 😀 Using eye contact signals a connection, ensuring your child is focused on you before you give any instructions.
• 😀 Long, complex instructions overwhelm a child’s working memory, so breaking tasks down into smaller, simpler steps helps them understand better.
• 😀 Tailor your instructions to match the child's developmental stage to avoid overwhelming them.
• 😀 Keep your directions short, clear, and positive, such as 'Put the blocks in the container' instead of vague or negative commands.
• 😀 Avoid telling your child what not to do. Instead, provide clear positive directions like 'Walk inside' or 'Sit down'.
• 😀 A simple pause of 7-10 seconds after giving instructions allows children time to process, plan, and act.
• 😀 If your child follows the direction, immediately praise them with specific recognition to reinforce positive behavior.
• 😀 If your child doesn’t follow through, step in to provide hands-on help and break tasks down further to guide them through each step.
• 😀 While progress may take time, persistence in using these methods will help children learn to listen and follow instructions right away.

Q & A

What is the main idea behind getting your child to listen the first time?

The main idea is to communicate with your child in a way that their developing brain can understand. It's not about discipline techniques or consequences, but about connecting in a manner that encourages immediate compliance.

Why do children often ignore what we say, especially when they're focused on something?

Children often enter a state of deep focus when they're engaged in activities, much like adults when they're absorbed in their phones. In this state, they are less likely to hear or register what you're saying, much like having 'noise cancelling headphones'.

Why is crouching down to a child's eye level so important?

Crouching down to a child's eye level signals safety and makes them feel less intimidated. This helps avoid triggering a fight, flight, or freeze response, which can cause them to ignore you or shut down.

How does a child's working memory affect their ability to follow instructions?

A child's working memory is quite small, and when given too many instructions at once, they can become overwhelmed and may either forget parts of the task or fail to complete it altogether. This is why breaking down instructions is crucial.

What is the 'Whiteboard Match' and why is it important?

The 'Whiteboard Match' refers to giving instructions that match the developmental stage of your child. For example, toddlers can handle one-step instructions, while older children can manage more complex tasks. This approach ensures instructions are not too overwhelming for their developing memory.

How should you phrase instructions to make them more effective for children?

Instructions should be clear, specific, and positive. For instance, instead of saying 'Stop running,' you should say 'Walk inside.' This gives children clear guidance on what they should do rather than what they should not do.

What is the 'Patient Pause' and why should it be included in instructions?

The 'Patient Pause' is a brief waiting period (about 10 seconds) after giving an instruction to allow the child time to process and act on what has been said. It ensures the child isn't rushed and has the necessary time to understand and execute the task.

How does specific praise help reinforce positive behavior in children?

Specific praise helps children understand exactly what they did well and boosts their confidence. For example, saying 'You put all the blocks in the bin' is more effective than a generic 'Good job,' as it highlights the positive action and encourages them to repeat it.

What should you do if a child doesn't follow your instructions after you've given them time to process?

If the child doesn't follow through after the Patient Pause, you should simplify your instructions, repeat them, and step in to help them if needed. This reinforces the importance of following through and teaches them to act immediately.

How can helping a child with a task build their ability to follow instructions in the future?

By helping a child through each step of a task and providing praise for their efforts, you gradually build their confidence and cooperation. Over time, they'll rely less on your help and begin to listen and follow through immediately.