Why we get defensive—and how to stop | Khailing Neoh | TEDxUnity Park

Summary

このスクリプトでは、自己のエゴを認め、受け入れ、そして前進することが大切だと示されます。エゴは人間の自然な感情ですが、時には自己防衛のために反応しすぎることがあります。エゴが日常生活にどのように現れるか、そしてどのように対処するかについて、話者が自身の経験を通じて語っています。エゴと戦うためには、自分の感情を認め、受け入れ、改善点を考え、そして次の日もまた挑戦することが重要です。さらに、他人からの称賛を喜びに変え、自分自身や他人に感謝の気持ちを示すことも大切だと述べています。

Takeaways

• 😌 「認める・受け入れ・続ける」という考え方で自己の感情や困難な状況に対処することが大切です。
• 🤔 自己の「エゴ」を認めることにより、不安や自己嫌悪を克服し、より真実の生活を築くことができます。
• 👥 人々は他人との関係を築く際に、自分のエゴを抑制し、より良いコミュニケーターやリーダーになることが求められます。
• 🌟 エゴは常に私たちの生活に入り込むもので、正しいと感じるために常に戦うことが必要です。
• 💡 エゴの定義は心理学的用語として自己意識を指すものと、プライドやハブリスに関連するものがあります。
• 🚫 エゴは時に人を傷つける可能性があり、例えば嫉妬やゴSSIP、中断、自己防衛的な態度などが挙げられます。
• 📚 エゴを克服するためのストーリーは、自己の過去の経験を通じて学びを得る良い方法です。
• 🔄 完璧主義や自己災害化、侵入的思考はエゴに関連する自己の側面を示しており、それらを克服することは成長につながります。
• 👨‍👧 親子関係におけるエゴの衝突は、自己の感情や価値観を通じて理解し、より良い関係を築くために役立ちます。
• 🎁 他人からの称賛を受ける際には、それを認め、受け入れ、そして他の人や自己に転じることが重要です。
• 💪 継続的な自己改善のプロセスを通じて、エゴを管理し、より良い人間関係を築くことができます。

Q & A

スピーチの中で「acknowledge accept continue」というフレーズは何を意味していますか？

「acknowledge accept continue」は、自分の感情や状況を認識し、受け入れ、そして前進することを意味しています。スピーチでは、このフレーズを使って自己の弱さや過ちに対処する方法を説明しています。

スピーチの中で話されたエゴとはどのようなものですか？

スピーチではエゴを自己防衛的な感情や行動、特に自分を守るために他人を非難したり、自分の欠点を認めないような態度として定義しています。

スピーチの中でエゴが日常生活にどのように現れる例をいくつか挙げてください。

エゴは日常生活で正しいと常に主張したり、責めを避けたり、謝罪を避けたり、嫉妬したり、ゴSSIPをしたり、他人の話を中断したりするなどの形で現れます。

スピーチの中のエミリーとbeccaの物語は何を示していますか？

エミリーとbeccaの物語は、他人からの評価や過去の理想化された人物に対する憧れが自分自身の価値感に与える影響を示しています。また、自己防衛的な感情を抑え、関係を損なわないように対処する重要性を強調しています。

スピーチの中で話されたパーフェクションズムとは何ですか？

パーフェクションズムは、自分自身に対して設定した理想の基準や偽の境界であり、自分を评判にかけてしまい、本当の自己を生きることが難しくなるものです。

自己 catastrophizing とはどのような心理的状態を指していますか？

自己 catastrophizing とは、社交的な状況や出来事に対して過剰に自己批評的であり、小さな失敗や誤解を大きな災害のように考えてしまう心理的状態です。

スピーチの中で話された「贈り物」の概念とは何ですか？

「贈り物」の概念は、他人から受けたコンプリメントを単に受け止めるのではなく、それを認め、感謝の意を示し、さらにそのコンプリメントを他の人や自分自身に返すことを意味しています。

スピーチの中で話された自分の父親とのエピソードは何を教えてくれていますか？

父親とのエピソードは、エゴが親子関係に与える影響や、怒りと恐怖を通じてリードする代わりに愛と脆弱性を持って接することが大切であることを教えてくれています。

スピーチの最後に述べられた「あなたはあなたの最悪の瞬間ではありません」という言葉の意図は何ですか？

この言葉は、人が自分自身の過去の過ちや失敗にとらわれず、それらが自分自身を定義するものではないと励まし、自己forgivenessを促すことを意図しています。

スピーチの中で話された「脆弱性は強さであり、弱さではありません」という言葉の意味は何ですか？

この言葉は、人々の弱さや欠点を認めることで、より強い人間関係や自己理解を築くことができると示唆しており、脆弱性を隠すことが弱さであるのではなく、それを受け入れることで強い心を持ち得る可能性があることを強調しています。

Outlines

00:00

😔 内心の葛藤と自己認識の改善

第1段落では、話者がチームメイトのエミリーとの間の出来事を通じて、自己認識と葛藤について語っています。エミリーは、同僚のベッカが辞めることで業務に苦戦し、話者がその役割を引き継いだ後、エミリーから时折苦情が聞こえてきました。話者はエミリーと対話し、自身の不足やエミリーのベッカへの理想化に直面しましたが、ベッカの真実を明かすことはせず、自己成長と関係の築き上げを意識しています。

05:01

🤔 エゴと自己改善への取り組み

第2段落では、エゴの定義とその影響について語られています。話者はエゴが日常生活に潜むこと、自己完璧主義、自己災害化、侵入的思考やruminationなど、自己改善に向けた取り組みを共有します。エゴが引き起こす様々な状況を通じて、自己認識の改善と個人の成長を目指すプロセスが描かれています。

10:01

😡 エゴと衝突：父親との関係の影響

第3段落では、話者がエゴと直面した経験を2つの物語で紹介しています。1つは夫との日常の出来事、もう1つは父親との衝突に関する物語です。父親は自分のエゴを優先し、話者を責めることから、自己認識と恥ずかしさ、罪悪感に対する取り組みの必要性を意識しました。これらの出来事は、自己と他人との関係において、愛と恐怖のどちらが優先されるかを問いかけています。

15:03

🌟 エゴとの闘いと自己成長への道

第4段落では、エゴとの闘いと自己成長への道について話されています。Jay Shettyの引用を通じて、エゴは何度も打ちのめされても翌日また蘇るという概念に触れられ、自己認識の改善と成長の継続性が強調されています。また、「acknowledge accept continue」のフレームワークを用いて、自己成長のプロセスを示し、他人からの称賛をどのように受け止め、それを自己や他人に還元するかについても議論しています。

Keywords

💡自己認識

自己認識とは、自分自身を客観的に見る能力を指します。このビデオでは、自己認識が重要であると示しており、自己を理解することは、自己の弱さや過ちを認め、成長するための第一歩を踏むためです。例えば、ビデオでは自己認識が欠如した状態での行動や、それに対する自己改善のプロセスが説明されています。

💡受け入れ

受け入れとは、自分自身の感情や状況を認める行為を指します。ビデオでは、受け入れが自己改善プロセスにおいて欠かせないステップであると強調しています。例えば、主人公が自分の不足や過ちを認め、それを受け入れることで、改善に向けた一歩を踏み出す場面があります。

💡継続

継続は、一度の失敗や困難を乗り越え、前向きに行動を続けることを意味します。ビデオのテーマにおいて、継続は自己成長と改善の重要な要素です。ビデオの主人公は、自己の過ちを認め、受け入れ、そして継続することで、より良い自分自身に近づくプロセスを体験しています。

💡自己

自己は、個人の内面的なアイデンティティや自己意識を指します。ビデオでは自己がどのように人々の行動や反応に影響を与えるかについて触れており、自己を理解することは、自己成長の鍵となります。例えば、自己を守るために生じる防衛的反応や自己の弱さに対する自己認識がビデオで詳述されています。

💡謙虚さ

謙虚さは、他人からの賞賛や評価を受け入れることのできる心の持ち方のことで、自己成長に不可欠な態度です。ビデオでは、謙虚さを通じて他人からのポジティブなフィードバックを受け入れ、自信を築くことが重要であると示されています。

💡自己防衛

自己防衛は、自分自身を守るために生じる感情的または行動的な反応を指します。ビデオでは、自己防衛が時に自己成長の妨げになることがあると警告しており、自己防衛に囚われず、真実の自己を認めることが求められています。

💡完璧主義

完璧主義は、物事が完璧でなければならないという強い信念を持ち、欠陥や失敗を許さない態度を指します。ビデオでは、完璧主義が自己に課すプレッシャーや、それが自己認識と成長に与える影響について触れています。

💡自己壊滅

自己壊滅は、自分自身を否定し、自己価値を低下させる思考パターンを指します。ビデオでは、自己壊滅が自己成長の障害になることがあると示しており、自己認識と受け入れを通じて克服することが重要です。

💡責務

責務は、個人が持つ責任や義務を指します。ビデオでは、責務を認識し、それを負うことが自己成長と他人との関係にどのように影響を与えるかについて説明されています。

💡自己啓発

自己啓発は、自己の内面的な世界を深く理解し、自己成長を促進することを目的としたプロセスです。ビデオのテーマでは、自己啓発が自己認識、受け入れ、継続を通じて自己改善に向けた道を示す重要なステップです。

Highlights

The importance of acknowledging and accepting one's feelings to continue personal growth.

The story of Emily and Becca to illustrate the impact of ego on interpersonal relationships.

The struggle with feelings of inadequacy and the importance of self-compassion in leadership.

The concept of ego as both a psychological term and a sense of pride or hubris.

Defining ego in terms of the uncontrollable feeling to protect oneself defensively.

Common manifestations of ego such as the need to be right, difficulty apologizing, and jealousy.

The personal impact of perfectionism, self-catastrophizing, and intrusive thoughts on one's life.

The transformative power of authenticity in communication and its effect on personal relationships.

The story of the dishwasher and the old response of defensiveness versus a kinder approach.

The incident with the torn Toms shoes and the lessons learned about leading with anger versus vulnerability.

The framework of 'acknowledge, accept, and continue' as a method for dealing with ego and insecurities.

Jay Shetty's quote on the persistence of ego and the importance of daily self-improvement.

The process of acknowledging negative feelings and accepting them as part of personal growth.

The value of reflecting on one's actions to identify what was done right and areas for improvement.

The concept of 'gifting' compliments as a way to show gratitude and spread positivity.

Final thoughts emphasizing that one's worst moments do not define them and the strength of vulnerability.

The encouragement to focus on continuing the journey of self-improvement despite setbacks.

Transcripts

[Music]

acknowledge accept

continue acknowledge accept

continue I have a team member we'll call

her Emily um Emily struggled when

another cooworker Becca quit and so I

took on some of those duties and roles

when Becca left and Emily was fine but

every so often we'd hear little comments

here and there about how something was

difficult something was challenging

without Becca here so I took it upon

myself to invite Emily to sit down and

say hey let's talk here's how I'm

feeling I'm feeling kind of small I'm

feeling like I'm failing you can we talk

about this and Emily said you are doing

a good job and not great job not

fantastic job she said you're doing a

good job and then proceeded to say Becca

was just so smooth and she was so great

at her job and everything was so

organized when she was here and it was

such a struggle for me during that

conversation to not just walk away so as

we were talking and she was hyping Becca

up and I was feeling smaller and worse

about myself there was a bubbling

feeling that started to arise in my

throat and I wanted to stop her and say

Emily

did you know that Becca tried to get you

fired did you know that she was not an

advocate for you when you were training

and when you were struggling and this

was a really difficult moment for me

when we were conversing because

obviously there's no place in that to to

mean anything to Emily there was there's

no benefit to me saying that so I'm

really glad to say that none of that I

didn't speak of any of that none of that

came up um acknowledge accept and

continue I knowled that I was feeling

small and I was feeling rejected I

accepted the fact that it was a

difficult moment and a different

difficult conversation and I continued

on and tried to stay present and

congratulated myself for not ruining a

relationship that we've you know taken

some time to cultivate Emily's doing

great I'm doing great we're all good uh

my name is King I am the owner of a

local restaurant in Greenville called

sbar I'm the yeah thank you I'm the

proud manager of about 38 unique

wonderful individuals um I'm the

daughter of immigrants the wife of Mr

Kevin Chow I'm the older sister of a

younger sister and although I'm not an

expert on this topic or psychology in

general I do believe I'm qualified as a

recovering people pleaser with anger

issues so I'm not here to convince you

that you need to demolish your ego or

get rid of it completely but as Abraham

Lincoln once said do we destroy our

enemies by making them our friends and

that really rang true to me I think

inviting our ego to the table and

listening to what it has to say might

just be the ticket for us to overcome

some of our insecurities and in turn I

believe potentially build a more

authentic lifestyle for yourself I also

think ultimately the goal is not only to

be a better communicator and a better

leader to have better boundaries for

yourself and to protect your energy but

I also think that creating healthier

relationships every day should be

something that we all focus on because

we hate to have regret by accidentally

saying something rude or something mean

to your loved ones because you know

they'll return so before we dive into

how to spot your ego or what to do with

it I think we should maybe start with

some definitions so there's two

different ways to Define ego in my

extensive Googling um one being the

psychological term which is a sense of

self and your conscientiousness so it

kind of differentiates us from animals

because we have our own thoughts and we

can decide for ourselves but the

definition I want to focus on today is

more in line with the definition of

pride or hubris um and my personal

definition is really that feeling that

almost feels uncontrollable when you

feel the need to protect yourself in a

defensive way um especially when it's

difficult to be vulnerable or accept

your flaws insecurities so that's for me

personal what what ego what ego stands

for what I've learned is ego comes into

our lives way more than we expect um

very common things are going to be

trying to be right all the time not

taking blame difficulty apologizing even

for small things um and then in ways

that I didn't even realize small and

large that can be challenging is things

like jealousy gossiping

bullying interrupting someone while

they're speaking speaking it's basically

all these times that you feel that you

need to be understood or you need to be

represented well you need to be loved

it's these innate human feelings that

are not crazy at all but sometimes we

react poorly to show that we need more

love or more care in those

moments um I'd like to share two stories

that have impacted me specifically when

it comes to Ego um the three other ways

that I think personally Define me that

I'm trying to break free from

perfectionism self- catastrophizing and

intrusive thoughts and ruminating so if

you can relate to me I'd love to have a

conversation about it later but

perfectionism for me is very difficult

because it's a set of rules and fake

bounds that I set for myself so for

instance I shouldn't wear these shoes

because it'll make me seem

unprofessional or I shouldn't make that

joke because it might be in bad taste I

don't want to seem shallow all these

different fake rules that I make for

myself it makes it difficult to to

breathe and live an authentic life and

truly be yourself when it comes to self-

catastrophizing you might be able to

relate sometimes when I go into a social

situation and my social anxiety is

rising during or after I'll think I

shouldn't have said that that sounded

Petty or what a ridiculous comment I

made or maybe my breath smells and I'll

think what if they don't like me and

then I'll switch to you know what I

don't need new friends I have I have

enough friends I didn't even like them

they were rude to the waiter I didn't

like their shirt I don't I don't even

need them in my life and that can come

up with dating with making friends with

your own partners and your C your

certain specific sense of rejection can

end up be coming outwardly sense of

judgment and then the last one being

intrusive thoughts and ruminating where

you could probably relate where you make

it or sorry catastrophizing self-

catastrophizing you make it about you

where if after this Ted Talk I head

straight to the bathroom and I don't say

hi to you you might think did my breath

smell or is she mad at me or kind of

making about you when in reality it's

just the reality of me needing to go to

the bathroom so those are all examples

of how ego can insert itself in your

life without you even knowing it so the

two stories I wanted to tell um one is a

little bit light-hearted and maybe you

can relate

basically at the end of a day my lovely

husband will come home and he'll say

something like hey you didn't unload the

dishwasher and old me I would like to

think old me would say something

like you think I just sit at home all

day waiting to unload the dishwasher

like I don't have better things to do

why didn't you come home during your

lunch break and unload the dishwashers

why is it my responsibility to unload

the

dishwasher knowing what I know now all

of that said most of it comes from a

sense of fear that he's he thinks I'm

lazy or uh an insecurity that I'm not a

good enough partner that I'm not

contributing to the household enough

because lo and behold he does unload the

dishwasher more than I do now I feel the

more responsible or maybe the Kinder way

thing to say is more like I'm sorry I

honestly didn't even know it needed

unloading or I didn't even think about

it I was too busy with whatever I was

doing or an even softer response could

be I had a really rough day it was hard

for me even to open up my laptop I I'm

sorry about that I I don't know if I let

you down but the nice thing about me

leading authentically with my response

is that now it's his job to be a good

partner and to respond with enough Grace

and kindness for myself he didn't come

in saying you're a bad partner you don't

contribute all those things that was me

self- catastrophizing and defending my

insecurities of those items on on their

own okay second example um it's a little

bit deeper so it actually has to do with

my father and how he put his ego ahead

of himself and ahead of myself so so I

had a pair of Toms in high school and I

don't know if you know what Toms are but

they're basically canvas slip-on shoes

kind of like the material for a paint

board and I have a best friend who's an

artist and at the time she was an

aspiring artist so what she did was for

my birthday is painted all of our

favorite cartoons and movies and inside

jokes on these pair of Tom shoes so

basically our entire friendship

symbolized in a physical form um one day

I couldn't find these shoes and I was

looking in a couple weeks later I found

them in the garage underneath the shelf

and it was so alarming because they were

ripped to shreds and I was in such shock

because it was like the ugliest thing

I'd ever seen it looked like a

wilderbeast or some s of animal that was

looking for a ribeye in my

shoes and honestly I was more in shock

than upset because I thought there was

an animal in the garage or something so

I went to my dad and I said do you know

what happened to these shoes and you can

imagine it's not the best response but

he said he yelled he

said you are so careless with all of

your things you just leave them

everywhere and how can you expect

anything good to happen if you just

leave your stuff everywhere turns out he

had run over my shoes with the lawn

mower when I left them in the grass

which albeit they were it was like a

thick tall grass so I understand it was

an honest mistake so I don't think the

the point of the story is not to share

that he responded poorly or he had a

moment of weakness it was really that me

being an ad

ENT I learned that you could talk to

your loved ones like that and that I had

mentioned my anger issues that leading

with anger instead of fear and

vulnerability was an acceptable response

and as a growing child into adulthood I

don't have regrets but I definitely have

sadness thinking about some of the

responses I've had for others you know

leading with that fear rather than love

and owning up to my mistakes when in

reality it was a very honest mistake

that he ran over the shoes but rather

than nurturing me and comforting me and

although it was my fault for leaving

them in in the grass it ended up being

about him and about his feelings of

guilt and shame and he wants to be a

good father so I'm not a parent but I

can understand that as a parent it can

be difficult trying to do right by you

and trying to do right by your child and

that seems very complex every day in and

out because you're battling your own

demons while also making sure that they

protected with theirs so I don't blame

my father but I do think that I have a

responsibility to figure out my anger

issues and my issues with shame and

guilt before passing it on to my

children or even my sister or my husband

or my team members um and just

understanding that even though I didn't

intend to hurt you that there is guilt

and regret for doing so even if it was

unintentionally so what do we do what do

we do now that we have talked about ego

and how it comes up and and how do we

move forward so back to the original

statement of acknowledge accept and

continue I think that's a really good

framework for where we should go from

this um Jay Shetty is a modern author

and podcaster former monk type person

but he has a good quote that I like that

was your ego will die a thousand deaths

but it will still return tomorrow and I

love that quote because it just reminds

you that you're human and no matter how

many wins you have with this struggle

against yourself you'll have a moment of

weakness or you'll have a place where

you know it does slip but you should

trust that your loved ones and the

people around you can really give you

Grace and continue to support you

regardless of that moment so acknowledge

being recognize when you feel guilty

when you feel shame when you're

correcting someone or trying to not take

the blame or ownership just recognize

that acknowledging that is a wonderful

first step accepting can be difficult

also it's accepting the fact that you

felt any sort of negative feeling and

just head on saying I feel like I'm not

enough I feel like I haven't been a good

partner I feel like I'm not a good

manager whatever that is recognize that

I'm telling myself these negative

thoughts and acknowledging that that's

not my definition and I'm trying to do

better um accepting also means

reflecting so what did I do right and

how could I improve are really good ways

of how you can speak softly to yourself

rather than well I should have done

differently I should have said this I

didn't mean to do that so it's a really

good way to say here's what I did right

and here's where I can improve and then

the last arguably the most important

part is the continuing piece and the

continuing piece is just so beautiful

because there's so many ways to continue

there's forgiveness for yourself for

slipping up there's forgiveness for my

father there's um also congratulating so

congratulating yourself for the little

wins that's continuing and patting

yourself on the shoulder for even doing

the work and recognizing that your ego

has a place in your life and then

there's um also bringing it to the table

and continuing every day being better

and trying again and just choosing to

wake up the next day and and be better

because we all know how difficult it can

be even just to get to the next day

there's a bonus in there it's

acknowledge accept and continue and the

bonus one is gifting so again from our

friend Jay Shetty um he has this concept

of when someone gives you a compliment

where you find an insecurity so for

instance if someone says oh SAR is so

beautiful I just love how it looks I'm

very insecure because I know that the

tile is chipped I know this isn't clean

and I know I didn't design it but rather

than just pushing the gift to the side I

should take it acknowledge it and thank

the person and say thank you for your

compliment I really appreciate that

especially because it's an insecurity of

mine and then the fourth piece of

gifting it is beautiful to say that you

know I actually had uh two designers

that volunteered their time and helped

us with the color scheme and my landlord

David Stone did a great job with helping

us pick out Cabinetry and marble so

gifting that compliment to someone who

you can give credit to also is a

beautiful way to show gratitude and to

compliment yourself as well as spreading

it to the community so to recap

acknowledge accept continue potentially

gift which is a great bonus um I have a

few extra statements to leave you with

one is you are not your worst moments

and it does not define you two

vulnerability is 100% a strength and not

a weakness three if you care about

something don't put it in my parents

backyard um but actually the third one

is acknowledge accept continue and if

you focus on the continue piece I know

you'll be in a great place thank you

very much

[Applause]

[Music]

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