Lecture 14: Close Relationships || PSY 203: Social Psychology

Summary

This social psychology lecture explores the evolution and facets of love and marriage across history and cultures. It delves into the distinctions between love and liking, introduces Sternberg's triangular theory of love, and discusses love styles. The lecture also examines the biological underpinnings of love, including lust, attraction, and attachment, and questions the longevity of romantic love and marriage, suggesting that while passion may fade, companionate love can strengthen over time.

Takeaways

• 😀 The historical perspective of love shows that it has been viewed differently across cultures and time periods, from being considered a form of madness in ancient Greece to becoming more associated with marriage in later centuries.
• 💡 Love is a multifaceted concept that encompasses emotion, attitude, and behavior, and can be described through the ABC model which includes Affection, Behavior, and Cognition.
• 🔍 The difference between love and liking is significant, with love involving attachment, caring, and intimacy, whereas liking is more about perceived similarity and favorable evaluation.
• 🌟 Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love suggests that love can take various forms based on the combination of intimacy, passion, and commitment, resulting in eight different types of love.
• 💌 Passionate love is characterized by intense emotions and desire, while companionate love is more about deep friendship, trust, and a sense of belonging.
• 💞 Agape, or selfless love, is the love style where individuals are concerned about their partner's well-being without expecting anything in return, often seen as the highest form of love in some philosophies.
• 🚀 The self-expansion theory posits that falling in love can lead to personal growth, increased self-esteem, and self-efficacy, as individuals integrate their partner's characteristics into their self-concept.
• 🧬 The biology of love involves different neural and hormonal systems, with lust, attraction, and attachment being distinct but interconnected systems that influence our romantic relationships.
• 📉 Research indicates that romantic love and passion may decline over time, but companionate love and attachment can grow stronger, suggesting that love can evolve within a relationship.
• 👫 Gender roles have historically influenced marriage decisions, but there has been a shift towards marrying for love rather than societal obligations, especially noticeable in the changing responses to marriage-related questions over the decades.
• 📉 Marital satisfaction often declines over time; however, the degree of decline varies between individuals and is influenced by personal factors and relationship dynamics.

Q & A

What is the historical perspective of love and marriage presented in the lecture?

The lecture discusses how love and marriage have evolved over centuries. In ancient Greece and Rome, love was seen as a form of madness and was separate from marriage. By the Middle Ages, love was not a significant concept due to religious constraints. However, in 12th century France, love became a quest, still unrelated to marriage. It was not until the 17th and 18th centuries that Europeans, particularly the English, began to connect love and marriage.

What are the different types of love mentioned in the script?

The script mentions several types of love, including passionate love, companionate love, and the different forms of love identified in Sternberg's triangular theory, which includes liking, romantic love, infatuation, empty love, fatuous love, and consummate love.

What is Sternberg's triangular theory of love?

Sternberg's triangular theory of love suggests that there are three components to love: passion, intimacy, and commitment. These components can combine to create eight different forms of love, ranging from non-love to consummate love, which is the ideal form of love combining all three elements.

How does the script differentiate between love and liking?

The script differentiates love from liking by stating that liking involves perceived similarity and favorable evaluation, while love involves attachment, caring, and intimacy. Love is seen as a qualitatively different construct from liking, with love involving a deeper emotional connection and commitment.

What is the role of gender roles in shaping love and marriage in North America?

The script suggests that gender roles have played a significant part in shaping love and marriage in North America. For example, in a 1967 survey, a higher percentage of women than men said they would marry someone they did not love, reflecting traditional gender roles and societal expectations. By 1984, the percentages had significantly decreased, indicating a shift away from these traditional roles.

What is the concept of self-expansion theory in the context of love?

Self-expansion theory, as discussed in the script, posits that falling in love transforms an individual by integrating the self and the other, leading to increased self-efficacy and self-esteem. It involves learning new things about oneself and growing through the relationship.

How does the script define the term 'romantic love'?

Romantic love, as defined in the script, is a form of love that includes both intimacy and passion but lacks commitment. It is typically associated with the early stages of a relationship where there is a strong emotional and physical attraction but the long-term intention to stay together has not yet been established.

What are the different love styles identified in the script?

The script identifies six love styles: Eros (passionate romantic love), Ludus (game-playing love), Storge (friendship love), Pragma (practical love), Mania (obsessive love), and Agape (selfless love). These styles reflect different attitudes and behaviors in how individuals approach and experience love.

How does the script address the biological aspect of love?

The script addresses the biological aspect of love by discussing Fisher's three distinct emotion and motivation systems: lust (sex drive), attraction (reward system), and attachment (pair bonding). These systems are influenced by different hormones and neural pathways and can work independently or in concert with each other.

What does the script suggest about the longevity of romantic love and marriage?

The script suggests that while conventional wisdom and previous research indicated a decline in romantic love after two years, newer research posits that passionate love and romantic love can be distinct, with romantic love potentially lasting longer. Regarding marriage, the script presents data suggesting that marital satisfaction tends to decline over time, although the extent of this decline varies between individuals.

Outlines

00:00

💑 Historical Perspectives on Love and Marriage

This paragraph delves into the historical evolution of love and marriage across different cultures and time periods. It starts with ancient Greece, where love was seen as a form of madness, unconnected to marriage. The narrative moves through Rome, where love was a game, to the Middle Ages, where it was largely dismissed by the church. The script then discusses the 12th-century France, where love became a quest, often unrelated to marriage. The shift towards associating love with marriage is highlighted in the 17th and 18th centuries in Europe, particularly in England, and notes that this concept has not been universally adopted, as seen in cultures with arranged marriages.

05:02

📊 Changing Perceptions of Love in North America

The second paragraph explores the changing attitudes towards love and marriage in North America over the decades. It presents data from 1967 and 1984, showing a significant shift in the willingness of men and women to marry without love. The summary highlights the influence of traditional gender roles and societal expectations on these attitudes, and how they have evolved to prioritize love in marriage. The paragraph also touches on the complexity of defining love, mentioning the difficulty faced by philosophers and social scientists in pinning down its exact nature.

10:04

🔍 The Multi-Dimensional Nature of Love

This section examines love as a multifaceted concept, encompassing emotion, attitude, and behavior. It introduces the ABC model of love, which stands for Affection, Behavior, and Cognition, and discusses how love can transform individuals according to self-expansion theory. The paragraph explains how falling in love can lead to increased self-esteem and self-efficacy, as demonstrated by studies that tracked changes in self-concept among those who fell in love over a semester.

15:05

❤️ The Distinction Between Love and Liking

The paragraph distinguishes between the concepts of love and liking, emphasizing that love is not merely a stronger form of liking but a qualitatively different emotion. It outlines Ruben's theory that love involves attachment, caring, and intimacy, which are distinct from the perceived similarity and favorable evaluation associated with liking. The discussion also includes the idea of diminishing returns on liking when love is present, suggesting that love can overshadow the feelings of mere liking.

20:08

🔥 The Spectrum of Love: Passionate to Companionate

This section delves into the types of love, focusing on the distinction between passionate love and companionate love. Passionate love is characterized by intense emotions, longing, and physiological arousal, often associated with the early stages of a relationship. In contrast, companionate love is described as a deeper, more enduring form of affection that comes with trust, tolerance, and a sense of belonging. The paragraph also discusses the cognitive and behavioral components of each type of love and how they can transform over time.

25:08

📊 Measuring Love: Passionate vs. Companionate

The paragraph discusses methods for measuring different types of love, highlighting the use of self-report questionnaires to assess passionate and companionate love. It introduces the Passionate Love Scale by Hatfield and Sprecher, and the Friendship-Based Love Scale by Fries, which are used to evaluate the intensity of feelings in a relationship. The summary also touches on Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love, which adds a third component, commitment, to the mix, and outlines the eight different forms of love that can result from the combination of these three elements.

30:09

🌐 Love Styles and Their Cultural Impact

This section explores the concept of love styles, which describe how individuals express and experience love. It presents six love styles, each with its own characteristics and typical behaviors, such as Eros for passionate romance, Ludus for game-playing, Storge for friendship, Pragma for practicality, Mania for obsession, and Agape for selfless love. The paragraph also discusses potential gender differences in love styles and the biological underpinnings of love, including the role of hormones and neurotransmitters in lust, attraction, and attachment.

35:13

💔 The持久性 of Love and Marriage

The final paragraph addresses the question of whether love lasts, discussing the common belief that romantic feelings tend to decline over time, typically after two years. It presents new research suggesting that passionate love can be distinct from romantic attraction and may endure longer. The paragraph also examines marital satisfaction, noting that while many newlyweds expect their marriages to become more satisfying over time, statistical data indicates that satisfaction often declines. The summary concludes by emphasizing that the degree of this decline varies among individuals and is subject to personal factors.

Keywords

💡Close Relationships

Close relationships refer to intimate connections between individuals, often characterized by emotional closeness, interdependence, and fulfillment of various needs. In the video, close relationships are the central theme, with a focus on the evolution of love and marriage, and how they intertwine to form the basis of these bonds.

💡Historical Perspective

The historical perspective provides a view of how concepts and practices have changed over time. In the context of the video, it is used to trace the transformation of love and marriage from the 5th century BC to modern times, illustrating how societies have viewed and structured these relationships differently across cultures and eras.

💡Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love is a psychological model that suggests love has three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. The video explains how these components combine to form different types of love, such as liking, infatuation, and consummate love, which is the ideal form of love that many people seek in their romantic relationships.

💡Love Styles

Love styles are categorized ways in which individuals express and experience love. The video references six love styles based on ancient Greek terminology, including Eros (passionate love), Ludus (game-playing love), Storge (friendship love), and others, indicating the diverse ways people approach and engage in loving relationships.

💡Passionate Love

Passionate love is a type of love characterized by intense emotions, desire, and often a sense of infatuation. The video describes it as a state of intense longing and emotional connection, which can be mixed with elation, desire, and even negative feelings such as jealousy and anxiety.

💡Companionate Love

Companionate love is a form of love that emphasizes deep friendship, trust, caring, and tolerance. It is described in the video as a more stable and enduring type of love, often associated with long-term relationships where the initial passion may have subsided but a strong bond remains.

💡Self-Expansion Theory

Self-expansion theory posits that love can lead to personal growth by integrating the characteristics and perspectives of one's partner into one's own self-concept. The video uses this theory to explain how falling in love can transform individuals, leading to increased self-esteem and self-efficacy as they learn more about themselves through their partner.

💡Marriage

Marriage is a legally or socially recognized union between individuals. The video discusses the historical and cultural aspects of marriage, noting its evolution from a political and contractual obligation to a union based on love, and how it varies across different societies.

💡Gender Roles

Gender roles are the expected behaviors, activities, and attributes associated with a person's biological sex. The video touches on how gender roles have influenced the dynamics of love and marriage, particularly in North America, and how societal expectations have changed over the decades regarding who one should marry.

💡Biology of Love

The biology of love refers to the neurobiological processes and hormones involved in love and attachment. The video mentions three distinct emotion systems related to love: lust (sex drive), attraction (reward system), and attachment (pair bonding), highlighting how these biological factors contribute to the experience of love.

Highlights

The historical perspective of love and marriage has evolved significantly over centuries.

Ancient Greece viewed love as passionate and frightening, unrelated to marriage.

In ancient Rome, love was considered a form of madness, still outside the realm of marriage.

During the Middle Ages, love was largely disregarded due to religious influence emphasizing procreation.

In 12th century France, love became a quest, detached from marriage and associated with chivalry.

The 17th and 18th centuries saw Europeans, especially the English, begin to connect love and marriage.

Gender roles have shaped North American views on love and marriage, with significant changes over decades.

In 1967, societal expectations led many women to agree to marry without love due to traditional gender roles.

By 1984, there was a significant decrease in the number of women willing to marry without love.

Love is a multifaceted emotion, attitude, and set of behaviors, not merely strong liking.

Sternberg's triangular theory of love identifies passion, intimacy, and commitment as the three core components.

Different cultures have varying views on the role of love in marriage, such as arranged marriages in India.

Love styles, such as Eros and Agape, reflect individual approaches to loving relationships.

Biology plays a significant role in love, with distinct systems for lust, attraction, and attachment.

The longevity of love and marriage varies, with research suggesting a decline in satisfaction over time.

Marriage satisfaction often declines after the initial two years, challenging the notion of everlasting romance.

The distinction between passionate love and companionate love suggests different trajectories for relationship development.

Societal and cultural shifts have led to a reevaluation of traditional gender roles in marriage.

Transcripts

hey everybody and welcome to another

lecture in the social psych video

lecture series today we are going to be

talking about close relationships remote

romantic relationships intimate

relationship so here's the outline for

today so we're gonna talk about the

historical perspective of love

what love and marriage turned into over

the years over the decades over the

centuries and then we'll talk about all

the features of love that you probably

haven't thought about in this way so

what's the difference between love and

liking the types of love Sternberg's

triangular theory of love love styles

biology and then you know

a little married with children love and

marriage love and marriage go together

like a horse and carriage

[Music]

that sort of thing okay so what is love

baby

[Music]

me no mo

well from a from a historical

perspective we have a lot of

examples to explore and this pie is this

by no means is an exhaustive list okay

so different cultures have held

different views of what love is supposed

to be so what's the cultural value is it

desirable is it undesirable what's the

deal with sex in this case right so

what's the deal with sex

should it be sexual or non-sexual should

there be questions of sexual orientation

should love involve same-sex or

heterosexual partners among other things

right and then marital status should we

love our spouses or is loved reserved

for others

and only recently some cultures have

come to believe in love that love and

marriage kind of go together so let's

take it way back to the 5th century BC

and ancient Greece love is passionate

frightening and considered a form of

madness and it had no relationship with

marriage or family life no love in

marriage or family fast forward a few

Dec a few centuries to ancient Rome and

you still have this kind of love is an

undesirable torment so it's a form still

a form of madness and it still occurs

outside of marriage

however toward the later part of the

Roman Empire

love started to become a game

and like a skill-based game like all of

the skill based games you play now

like it was a skill based game and it

wasn't to be taken seriously at all it

was just it was just a game

aspects of that carried through to

through the Middle Ages though

love and love was during the Middle Ages

was pretty much not a thing right

because religion here was saying no no

love no sex just procreate for babies

that was it

but aspects of this game Harry through

to 12th century France so 11 11 hundreds

hey in France love becomes a quest so

it's no longer a game it's now a quest

Hey

kind of like searching for the Holy

Grail and it was not associated with

marriage

so still 11 hunt you know 1100 AD there

there abouts right still not associated

with marriage

and because marriage was a political and

contractual obligation between a man and

a woman and had to do with property

politics all of money other assets that

sort of thing right 17th and 18th

centuries so moving on to the 1600s and

1700s Europeans especially the English

began to connect love and marriage

together so you married typically who

you loved okay so you marry for love get

married when in love

and this carried through to where the

British expanded right they carried

through all the in all of the ways that

the British expanded their empire but

it's still the exception in many

societies if you take India for example

there's still quite a bit of arranged

marriages right

day the belief is that romantic love is

the reason

to marry someone

in North America okay

in North America so this is an

interesting but but it has changed over

the decades has changed over the decades

gender roles do genders and gender roles

do play a role in the shaping of North

American marriage love even in the even

in the last several decades

so nineteen sixty-seven men and women

were asked would you marry someone you

did not love thirty six percent of men

said yes seventy six percent of women

said yes

name so--that's 1967 there's a lot of

traditional gender role stuff happening

right now and so or not right now it's

art then and so women said yes to that

question because they thought that that

was their societal obligation societal

duty okay

fast forward only about 15 years and

well 1984 maybe about 17 years

ask the same question would you marry

someone you did not love 14% of men said

yes so that went down 15% of women said

yes so that tanked that number tanked

and you can see just in 17 years Justin

a little under two decades

women were like no I don't need that

traditional gender role assigned to me I

don't need that societal obligation of

marriage I'm going to marry someone I

love

and there you go the rest is the rest is

recent history the rest is recent

history okay so what is love

baby don't hurt me okay it's

it's a sticky subject that's very hard

to define

philosophers don't do very good at it oh

it's don't do very good at it and so

social scientists if those two were

having problems then social scientists

are gonna have problems some social

scientists think that there are two

three seven eight different kinds of

subtypes we'll talk a little bit about

those in later in this video

but let's take a step back first things

first

love is an emotion okay and so we can

take some

other words that we have in English that

sort of reflect that emotion piece of it

longing adoration lust passion giddiness

butterflies in your stomach feeling of

well-being feeling of dependency caring

compassion Wow

so it's it's an emotion okay but it and

and I'm sure you clearly knew that

coming in okay but it's also an attitude

love is and attitude positive

evaluations of others or of another

so if you think back to the other video

that we talked about with attitudes

attitudes our evaluations of any given

person thing or place right some noun or

abstraction and it's an evaluation of

that of course love would be the

positive evaluation idealization of

another and then we can add in liking

and respect for that person but it is

also a set of behavior hey look it's the

ABC model it's ABC model haha that's

never going away the set of behaviors

okay so saying verbally I love you

nonverbal being happy relaxed gazing at

the person smiling a physical affection

so things like kissing and holding self

disclosure which will refer to as

intimacy in this case exchanging of

gifts and resources the willingness to

make sacrifices okay

so that's the set of behaviors and so

what we'll say is that this

multi-dimensional ABC model is a

motivation a motivation okay and let's

take Aaron and Aaron self-expansion

theory to describe what I mean by

motivation falling in love transforms

yourself so here in the theory we have

you and we have your other okay

now

you're touching that's the beginning

parts of intimacy but as you expand the

self expansion increased self-efficacy

and self-esteem self-discovery you start

learning new things about yourself you

start coalescing the self and the other

start coming together so in the middle

here by the time you are done self

expanding the integration of you and

your partner is actually larger than the

pieces of you and your partner

okay this is called inclusion of other

insult iOS not to be confused a polite

so it's integrating the partners

characteristics perspectives and

resources in your own self-concept

okay love is the desired goal so meeting

that the goal increases your self esteem

and perceived control reflection

appraisals discovering that someone

loves and even idealizes us increases

that self esteem and so

i OS increases efficacy

and paracin aaron did two studies they

followed students over a semester and

assist them every two and a half weeks

hey who are you today is the main

question they asked and so they coded

whatever responses people had for that

they measured self-efficacy and

self-esteem and then they asked a

question did you fall in love and so

what were those results men and women

were equally likely to have fallen in

love those who fell in love compared to

those who did not experienced greater

increases in self-concept change these

changes were more positive and more

diverse greater increases in self-esteem

and greater increases in self-efficacy

boom

that's a motivation for you

xks you

sorry I didn't have that up there

all right we need to take care of the

elephant in the room that elephant is

the difference between loving and liking

because love is just not strong liking

it's something qualitatively different

Ruben was the first person to

theorized this and then try to identify

the two qualitatively different

constructs so he said that liking is

perceived similarity and favorable

evaluation things like that right um so

things like respect I have respect for

you I like you okay however I could have

respect for somebody but not love them

right

I can I can love them and so he said

loving involves three components first

one is attachment you want to be in the

other person's presence all the time

second one is caring okay concern for

the that other person's well-being right

and then the third one is intimacy so

sharing of closeness understanding right

that's the intimacy definition that were

we're holding and how he determined this

was by he used college students as a

sample

be that as it may so he asked people um

questions on a liking scale and then he

asked for four friends and then he asked

those same students on a loving scale

romantic partners okay so we like

friends and we love romantic partners

what's his idea in the 1970s people love

romantic partners a lot more than

friends but like partners only a little

more than friends so really there is a a

diminishing returns on liking if you

love someone because love sort of takes

over that right attachment caring and

intimacy

yeah okay you like them and you respect

them perceived similarity and favorable

evaluations we respect them great there

that reads an that reaches an asymptote

and then once you start making a

romantic partner that's when love takes

off

and there is very little correlation

between liking and loving because of

this diminishing returns on just liking

someone okay so Ruben argued that those

were distinct constructs but is this

sufficient not according to birth shied

and wall stir okay they said well you

can't just have love being love you have

to really describe love a little bit

more and so the idea was that they

divided love into two separate

constructs passionate love and

companionate love so here I have a heart

on fire for passionate love heart on

fire and then here I have a couple

walking you know silhouetted by a a

sunset I suppose holding hands right and

so passionate love passionate love is a

state of intense longing a union for one

another

intensely emotional but emotions can be

mixed elation desire pain jealousy

anxiety

ecstasy right so let's talk about the

cognitive features of passionate love so

partner preoccupies thoughts you

idealize partners so you only see the

positives an intense desire to know that

person right the emotional features of

it so physical sexual attraction I think

is the most identifiable one on this one

negative feelings when things do go

wrong so a lot of negative feelings when

things do go wrong so a lot of

catastrophizing and a lot of feeling

that this is your fault or their fault

it's hard to come back from those

negative feelings longing for another /

longing for that person during

separation absence makes the heart grow

fonder that sort of stuff and then

physiological arousal

things like heart races that sort of

thing and then the behavioral components

want to be super close to that person

right so proximity touch closeness PDA

etc

you want to study that person to

determine feelings in periods of

uncertainty

generally speaking according to birth

shed and wall stir passionate love is

universal intense and short-lived it

declines over time because idealization

declines okay

passionate love needs uncertainty to

survive so how do we keep it alive

that's question for the ages right how

do you reduce abort boredom and keep

excitement alive

relationships are exciting in part

because they are novel and arousing and

now companionate love

this is companionate so just like

companions being having a companion

right so

this is the affection we feel for those

people whom our lives are deeply

intertwined right so you can kind of

consider this true love marital love as

something like that right you can

consider it something like that

so the

cognitive features of it it's practical

and it emphasizes trust caring and

tolerance of flaws more than

idealization right emotional

toad is bore tone is more moderate

warmth and affection and so these are

simmering they're not the fiery burning

passion of passionate love comfortable

attachment and a sense of belonging I

think that's very important a sense of

belonging and you love and then the

behavioral pieces you do a lot of things

together pan Yin you have a companion

and then there's quite a bit of intimacy

okay

generally speaking according to bersia

and wall stir is that passionate love is

transformed

into a pleasant afterglow

after several years of loving

and this is even though love is

separated into two constructs here to

separate constructs they are related and

they do share even they can you know

came out five years after Rubens idea

attachment commitment and intimacy

yeah a very similar constructs

so how do we measure love well any major

passionate love besides the besides the

graphic take on that one pretty much

self report pretty much self report and

maybe some coding behaviors or coding of

written responses is how you get

the good I get the good responses but

mostly self-report right and so

passionate love you ask questions like

this I'd rather be with them than anyone

else I want that person physically

emotionally mentally you know something

like that but if you want to measure

compassionate love archive excuse me

companion it

you ask questions like I feel our love

is based on a deep and abiding

friendship my partner is one of the most

likable people

you know the oats so the passionate love

is Hatfield and Sprecher 1986 this is

called the passionate love scale and

then the companionate love is the

friendship based love scale from gratin

fries 1994 right so these are you can

see that they are quite different

let's take Bursch I didn't wall stir and

kick it up several notches Sternberg in

1988 so about a decade after

verheiden Walter said you know what I

don't think passionate love and

companion at love

captures the

experience of love and so he wanted to

elaborate on the different kinds of love

that exist and so he developed

three components to his triangular

theory of love and these three

components combined

to create eight different forms of love

and he conceptualize that in a triangle

obviously right so the three were

passion intimacy and commitment passion

is the romance and physical attraction

okay

does not need to be sexual passion but

can be longing for nurturance affection

and affiliation Hey

intimacy feelings of closeness warmth

connected to support concern for others

welfare and then commitment is the

long-term intention to stay and that's

basically it now he said that intimacy

is the core feature of most loving

relationships if you have a romantic

partner even parent-child siblings

friends but without so that's that's the

core feature of any loving relationship

whether you call it a friendship a

familial thing or or a romantic partner

or a lover you have to have intimacy but

if you don't have passion and commitment

then you have different kinds of

relationships okay

now the idea between passion intimacy

cognitively is that they're emotionally

hot and charged and commitment is the

cooler of the three okay so let's take a

look at what they all are in this

triangle so here I have my triangles

intimacy passion and commitment

okay now just to just to get you started

there are eight forms of love in this

triangle but you'll only see seven and

that's because the eight type is the

absence of all of these so if I were to

go up by II this is non love

okay the eight type of love is non love

seems a bit seems a bit silly but you

know it's possibility so it exists okay

now there are seven other kinds of love

that I am gonna go over here

so let's go through let's go around the

triangle so if we just have intimacy

then what we'll have according to

Sternberg taking a page from Reuben

is liking and so you can consider these

things like deep friendships but if we

have intimacy and passion then this is

what's called romantic love

okay so there's no commitment yet so

this is the early features of a

relationship intimacy and passion

sharing things feeling hot okay now if

you have

passion by itself this is called a fat

infatuation and you've probably heard

that term okay so things like love at

first sight there's no intimacy yet you

know you're just hot okay

now the interesting one that I think is

is quite quite interesting is passion

and commitment together this is called

fatuous love

so these are super whirlwind II super

quick courtships kind of like meet Mary

in two weeks

some Hollywood romances a commitment is

made on the basis of passion but not

deep intimacy and investment in another

person's welfare because intimacy takes

time to develop okay

it's often that these relationships are

unstable because there is no intimacy to

keep commitment

a commitment by itself is called empty

love

these are stagnant relationships

committed to staying together despite a

lack of passion or a deep sense of

closeness and intimacy

so in Western cultures this is sort of

like staying together for the kids which

is never great

but interestingly in some societies in

some Eastern societies some African

societies this is how relationships

start not end which is a different

dynamic because you are then creating

the intimacy and passion from the empty

love verses this being the flame out and

the lack of closeness in a Western

relationship

having intimacy and commitment but no

passion is companionate love so the same

vocab word as Bursch ID and wall stir

and it's a similar sense because we have

no passion so long-term committed

friendships marriages and which physical

passion has died down okay so the

question of how do we keep passion alive

is fleeting from these these folks right

so that's the seven on the out are the

six on the outside of the triangle but

what happens when you have intimacy

passion and commitment

well Sternberg said that's called

consummate love it's all three

it's complete it's the love many of us

strive to achieve in our romantic

relationships

it's perhaps more easily formed

then maintained not to say it's

difficult to maintain but it definitely

is easiest to form once you get passion

commitment and intimacy but keeping it

is that it's the struggle right

and each of these eight or seven however

you want to look at it you're gonna love

differently in all the different kinds

of relationships you have and so going

along these

seven

loves

hands-on who you're talking about okay

on average in a romantic relationship

intimacy increases passion decreases you

can go through a rough patch but if you

have commitment

and that's gonna hold you together okay

each person has their own love triangle

and if you have a different love

triangle than your romantic partner this

is where tensions can rise

love styles so this kind of question is

speaking to

how do we love not what is love but now

that we've described love as best we can

how do we do it so that's what love

styles are and this is contemporary

contemporaneous to Ruben and he said

that

there are

six kinds of love styles so how somebody

loves and they'll be in I think Greek I

think he used ancient Greek

okay

is the first love style this is

passionate romantic people value love

they're not obsessed strong sexual

desire intense emotional attachment

sincere open committed ludus these are

game players love is a game no serious

intent non possessive typically does not

lead to marriage steers away from

commitment focus on conquests of many

sexual partners lies and in society

justified as part of the game storge

storge

is friendship

secure trusting similarity emphasizing

the friendship part over love unexcited

and uneventful kind of loving okay

companionate love basically historia

pragma practical seeking specific

qualities often have conditions wants

compatible partners love for practical

reasons level-headed in forming bonds

avoiding emotional streams mania it's

the opposite obsessive obsessed with

love passionate yearn for love find it

painful try to force commitment and

greater expressions of love doubt

partners commitment physical symptoms

inability to eat or sleep

these people are warriors often create

problems

and the last one is agape this is

selfless how truest o'clock concerned

about partner but unconcerned about self

extreme sacrifice

love is freely given

expect nothing in return

so what are the gender differences on

these actually quite find interesting

may offer arrows

males tend to be similar on females okay

males tend to be more

more ludus than females

storge females tend to be more than

males pragma same thing mania same thing

and a got poop

agape but not have a copy on here oh I

don't have a gob a men favor women hi in

Eros and agape home thus Hendrick ins

Hendricks study did not study agape

right the biology of love

oh gee of love right it's this this is a

real thing okay this is a real thing and

so this is from Fisher

she said that lust attraction and

attachment are three discreet emotion

motivation systems from our biology lust

which is your sex drive this is

reproduction and so these are estrogens

and androgens these are your hormones

that produce your sex drive

these are different

then attraction which is comes from our

reward system dopamine norepinephrine

serotonin things that you like things

that you have been told that you like

right

and then finally attachment Banyon love

pair bonding oxytocin these neural

systems work in concert with one another

but they also work independently so

bonding can be with a mother to its baby

with oxytocin that sort of thing

overtime romantic attraction which we we

could consider passionate love may wane

but attachment like companionate love

grows stronger okay people can have sex

with people with whom they are not in

love with and and can be in love with

someone with whom they had never had sex

right so sex doesn't necessarily have to

be

the end-all-be-all of

Club

now does love last so what's what's

romance

what's marriage

okay does love last the conventional

wisdom and previous research all suggest

that romance does decline

typically after two years

new research suggests that passionate

love and romantic love can be distinct

concept romance is passion without the

obsessiveness

this is how it works out it's

six months versus sixty years

so you can see here does marriage last

well

in this 1999 data from Kerr deck most

newlyweds resume that their marriages

will become more and more satisfying

over time but as you can see here

statistics statistics suggest that on

average satisfaction actually tends to

decline over time so here we have the

year of assessment at through ten years

and this is mean marital quality and you

can see that it is declining quite a bit

right now again the scale on this is

misleading scale on this is misleading

because we have 111 to 123

or 124 yes that's 110 so it's really

this scale

a little misleading so is that declined

super-steep

ah it depends on what the rest of this

scale is so

the fact of the matter is is that

satisfaction tends to decline over time

okay that's that's the Realty

how much it declines is up to the

individual people okay

it's up to the individual people for how

much it declines so just be aware of

that

and that is going to be it for this

episode of the social psych lecture

series please leave your comments

feedback and suggestions down below

generate those questions and I will see

you next time I'm buying

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