How women TRAIN men to be ANGRY: don't reward what you don't want

Summary

Dr. Orion terban explores the inadvertent ways women may train men to become angry in relationships. He shares personal anecdotes to illustrate how persistent lack of communication can lead to escalated anger. Terban emphasizes the importance of listening and respecting each other's boundaries to avoid unnecessary conflict. He advises that ignoring a man's reasonable requests can lead to three outcomes: anger escalation, internal collapse, or leaving the relationship. The talk encourages both parties to communicate effectively and respect each other's needs to maintain a healthy relationship.

Takeaways

• 😶 Men often feel unheard in relationships and may resort to anger as a last resort to be acknowledged.
• 🔊 The speaker suggests that women may inadvertently train men to be angry by not responding to non-aggressive communication attempts.
• 👂 It's important for women to listen and validate men's concerns to avoid unnecessary escalation of conflict.
• 🤔 The speaker shares a personal anecdote to illustrate how repeated unsuccessful attempts at communication can lead to anger.
• 💔 Ignoring or invalidating a man's attempts to communicate can lead to a breakdown in the relationship and the man becoming an 'angry' person.
• 🚫 The speaker advises women to avoid putting men in double binds where they feel they must fight to protect their relationship but end up fighting the woman.
• 🔄 There are three potential outcomes for men who feel unheard: escalation to anger, internal collapse, or leaving the relationship.
• 🙅‍♀️ Women should not expect men to cater to their every desire, but they should respect men's boundaries and listen to reasonable requests.
• 👥 The speaker emphasizes mutual respect in communication as key to maintaining a healthy relationship.
• 💬 The script encourages open discussion and reflection on the topic, inviting listeners to share their own experiences in the comments.
• 👍 The speaker promotes the idea of learning from personal experiences and offering advice to others to prevent similar relationship issues.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed by Dr. Orion terban in this talk?

The main topic discussed by Dr. Orion terban is how women inadvertently train men to become angry in relationships.

Why does Dr. Orion terban find the process of women training men to be angry tragic and ironic?

He finds it tragic and ironic because most women find male anger terrifying and would not prefer to be in the presence of it, yet their actions contribute to its development.

According to Dr. Orion terban, what is the role of men in this process of being trained to be angry?

Men also have a share of responsibility as they inadvertently allow themselves to be trained in this way.

What does Dr. Orion terban suggest is the first step in resolving issues in a relationship before resorting to anger?

He suggests that men should attempt to communicate their concerns clearly and effectively using various strategies and psychological tactics.

In Dr. Orion terban's personal anecdote, what was the turning point that led him to realize the relationship was not healthy?

The turning point was when he lost his temper and yelled at his partner, and for the first time, she changed her behavior, making him realize that he was being trained to be angry to be heard.

Why did Dr. Orion terban decide to leave the relationship he described in the script?

He decided to leave because he realized that if he had to continue being angry and aggressive to be heard, he would eventually become a defeated shell of his former self.

What are the three possible outcomes for a man when he feels unheard in a relationship, according to Dr. Orion terban?

The three possible outcomes are: escalating to anger and aggression, collapsing internally to protect himself from pain, or leaving the relationship.

What advice does Dr. Orion terban give to women regarding how to handle disagreements with men in their lives?

He advises women to take respectful requests from men seriously, rectify problematic behavior quickly, and ensure disagreements do not leave men feeling invalidated or disrespected.

What does Dr. Orion terban suggest is the best move for men when dealing with women who do not respect their boundaries or listen to their reasonable requests?

He suggests that the best move for men is to exit the relationship as quickly and graciously as possible.

How does Dr. Orion terban encourage the audience to engage with the content of his talk?

He encourages the audience to share the episode with others who might benefit, like the episode, subscribe to the channel, and consider becoming a channel member for perks.

Outlines

00:00

😤 The Unintended Consequences of Communication Breakdown

Dr. Orion terban introduces the topic of how women may inadvertently train men to become angry. He discusses the irony that women, who generally find male anger terrifying, contribute to its development. Using personal anecdotes, Dr. terban illustrates his point by recounting his experience with a past relationship where attempts at non-aggressive communication were ignored, leading to his eventual outburst. This episode highlights the importance of recognizing and addressing communication issues to prevent the escalation of anger and potential relationship deterioration.

05:01

📢 Escalation, Invalidation, and the Consequences for Men

This paragraph delves into the potential outcomes when men feel unheard in their relationships. Dr. terban explains that men may initially escalate to anger as a last resort to be heard, which is often counterproductive in relationships. He emphasizes the societal expectations for men to be protectors and the double bind they face when their relationship security is threatened by a woman's behavior. The paragraph outlines the limited options available to men: to escalate, collapse internally, or leave the relationship. Dr. terban advises women to take men's respectful requests seriously to avoid unnecessary conflict and relationship breakdown, while also encouraging men to leave relationships where they are not respected or heard.

Keywords

💡Communication

Communication is the process of exchanging information, ideas, or feelings. In the video's context, it refers to the various strategies and attempts made by men to express their concerns or issues to their partners. The speaker mentions that he tried different communication strategies, like being calm and patient, to convey his message, but found them ineffective until he resorted to anger.

💡Escalation

Escalation in this video refers to the act of increasing the intensity or seriousness of a situation, particularly in terms of emotional responses. The speaker discusses how men may escalate to anger and aggression as a last resort when they feel unheard or ignored in their attempts to communicate non-aggressively.

💡Anger

Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. The video discusses how women may inadvertently train men to become angry by not responding to their non-aggressive communication attempts. The speaker's personal anecdote illustrates this when he mentions losing his temper and being heard for the first time in his relationship.

💡Invalidation

Invalidation is the act of not recognizing or accepting someone's feelings, thoughts, or experiences as valid. The video suggests that women may invalidation men's attempts to communicate, leading to feelings of disrespect and ultimately to anger. The speaker points out that ignoring or disrespecting men's communication attempts is a form of invalidation.

💡Respect

Respect is a feeling of deep admiration for someone elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. The video emphasizes the importance of respecting each other's boundaries and listening to each other's reasonable requests in a relationship. The speaker advises that women should take men's respectful requests seriously to avoid conflict and maintain a healthy relationship.

💡Relationship Conflict

Relationship conflict refers to disagreements or arguments that arise within a relationship. The video's theme revolves around the idea that women may inadvertently contribute to relationship conflict by not responding appropriately to men's attempts at non-aggressive communication, which can lead to anger and other negative outcomes.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries are the limits or extents to which something extends or can be tolerated. In the context of the video, the speaker encourages men to leave a relationship where their boundaries are not respected or their reasonable requests are not listened to, as it can lead to a destructive cycle of anger and resentment.

💡Double Bind

A double bind is a situation in which a person is given conflicting options or is caught between two equally undesirable outcomes. The speaker uses this term to describe the dilemma men face when they feel they must resort to anger to protect their relationships, which paradoxically involves fighting against the very person they are trying to protect.

💡Collapse

In the video, 'collapse' refers to the internal breakdown or emotional deterioration that a man may experience when he feels continually invalidated and disrespected in a relationship. The speaker suggests that if men do not escalate to anger, they may either collapse internally or choose to leave the relationship.

💡Anecdote

An anecdote is a short, amusing or interesting story about a real incident or person. The speaker uses an anecdote from his own life to illustrate the main theme of the video, explaining how his attempts at non-aggressive communication were ineffective until he escalated to anger, which was a pivotal moment leading to the end of that relationship.

💡Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution refers to the process of resolving disagreements or disputes. The video implies that effective conflict resolution in relationships requires both parties to listen and respond to each other's concerns with respect and validation. The speaker's narrative highlights the lack of conflict resolution when one party's communication attempts are ignored or invalidated.

Highlights

Dr Orion terban discusses the inadvertent training of men to become angry by women in relationships.

Women often find male anger terrifying, yet contribute to its development.

Men are also responsible for allowing themselves to be trained into anger.

Understanding women's role in this process can reduce relationship conflict.

Dr terban shares a personal anecdote about communication issues with a past partner.

Despite being a good communicator, Dr terban struggled to get through to his partner.

His words did not seem to influence his partner's behavior until he lost his temper.

The realization that raising his voice was the only way to be heard led to the end of the relationship.

Most men do not escalate to anger immediately; they try various communication strategies first.

Ignoring or invalidating men's non-aggressive communication can inadvertently train them to be angry.

The speaker encourages sharing the episode for its potential impact on others.

Men have three options when not heard: escalate to anger, collapse internally, or leave the relationship.

Escalating to anger is often the first strategy men try before considering other options.

Men are socially expected to fight for what matters, including their primary relationships.

Men face a double bind when their relationship security is threatened by a woman's behavior.

Women should avoid putting men in unnecessary double binds to prevent conflict.

The only options for men are to escalate, collapse, or leave when a woman won't listen.

Women should take men's respectful requests seriously to avoid relationship deterioration.

Dr terban advises men to leave a relationship where they are not respected or heard.

The speaker invites listeners to share their thoughts and experiences in the comments.

Transcripts

I'm Dr Orion terban and this is psyx

Better Living Through psychology and the

topic of today's short talk is how women

train men to be

angry this is something that many women

do and that many women do inadvertently

and this of course is to be expected as

few women prefer to be in the presence

of male anger in fact most find male

anger terrifying which makes their

contribution to this process all the

more tragic and ironic and this is not

to say that men don't have their share

of responsibility in this after all they

inadvertently allow themselves to be

trained in this way however if women can

come to appreciate how they may be

perversely incentivizing male anger it

will go a long way toward reducing

unnecessary relationship conflict to

explain how this process occurs I'm

going to begin by sharing an anecdote

from my own life now I am by no means a

perfect person however all other things

being equal I'm a fairly patient guy in

the last 10 years I can count the number

of times I've raised my voice on one

hand and all of those times have been

associated with two specific women I was

in a long-term relationship with one of

these women many years ago and I

remember having a lot of trouble getting

through to her and this was really

puzzling to me because I know that I'm

actually an exceptional Communicator I'm

articulate and precise in my words and I

have good command of tone and expression

to clearly indicate my emotion in

general I don't have a problem

transmitting my message to my intended

audience however when I brought certain

issues to her attention for whatever

reason my words just didn't seem to

penetrate her understanding in the

moment it would seem as though she

understood

however when the conversation was over

she'd just go back to doing whatever it

was that she was doing before as if the

discussion had never happened and in the

beginning I just assumed that this was

my fault that I hadn't yet used the

right words to represent how important

this was to me or how disrespectful and

hurtful her behavior was I assumed that

if she understood this she would have to

change her behavior and the fact that

she hadn't changed her behavior was

proof that she hadn't yet understood

therefore the solution was to try again

and to communicate more clearly and

effectively than before and I did try

again many many many many times not only

that I used all the various

communication strategies and

psychological tactics I had at my

disposal to get my point across and none

of them worked I was calm I was patient

I sought to understand rather than be

understood I tried everything I could to

let her know that her behavior was

problematic and that I wanted it to stop

all to know

aail until one day after scores of

unsuccessful attempts to get through to

her I had had it I snapped I lost my

temper and I yelled and screamed at

her and guess what happened for the

first time ever in the history of that

relationship ship she apparently heard

what I said and she changed her

behavior and it was at this point that I

realized that I had to take myself out

of that relationship which I

subsequently did why because if the only

way I could be heard in my relationship

was by raising my voice and becoming

increasingly aggressive then I would be

molded into an angry aggressive man over

time neither one of us would have wanted

that outcome but that's what would have

happened if nothing changed that

relationship was headed to a very dark

place as I would have functionally had

to choose between being angry and being

ignored women you have to understand

that the vast majority of men don't

escalate to anger immediately and you

should just leave any man who does

rather the vast majority of men will try

to communicate with their women many

many many times in different ways using

different strategies before resorting to

anger and this is how women

inadvertently train their men to be

angry By ignoring disrespecting or

invalidating them when they attempt to

communicate non-

aggressively and as should be abundantly

obvious this is very very stupid

now before I go any further if you're

liking what you're hearing please

consider sending this episode to someone

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appreciate your support you make all of

this happen thank you very

much now if a man for whatever reason

can't seem to get through to his woman

about something important to him if he

remains unheard time and time again then

there are really only three things that

can happen the first thing that can

happen is that the man will escalate to

anger and aggression For Better or Worse

most men are going to attempt this

strategy first before moving on to one

of the two remaining options

in general when people don't feel heard

they get louder this is often

counterproductive especially in

intersexual relationships however it is

one of the remaining options when reason

and understanding fail and just to be

clear this isn't always a bad thing

after all men are socially expected to

be protectors and they are encouraged to

fight for the things that matter to them

typically one of the things that matters

to men are their primary relationships

now when the security of that

relationship is threatened by say a home

Invader few women would have a problem

with their men fighting to defend their

relationships however when it is a

woman's behavior that threatens the

security of the

relationship then men are placed in a

double bind they feel pulled to protect

the relationship but doing so

functionally means they end up fighting

the woman who constitutes that

relationship if they don't fight they

lose if they do fight they lose

this is unwise women it is not wise to

put men in double binds unnecessarily

and this is because after most men

escalate to anger and aggression and

find it to be counterproductive they are

left with only two real courses of

action either the man collapses

internally in order to protect himself

from the pain associated with his

continued

invalidation becoming over time a shell

of his former self or he

leaves that's it those are the only

options a man has when dealing with a

woman who won't listen to him he will

either escalate collapse or leave there

are no other

options now women does this mean that

you simply have to cater to men's every

desire absolutely not however it does

mean that it's in your best interests

either to rectify problematic Behavior

as quickly as possible or or to find

ways to ensure that you disagree with

your man in a way that does not leave

him feeling invalidated or

disrespected in general you should take

respectful requests from the men in your

life

seriously because they may not remain

patient and respectful

indefinitely and you wouldn't expect

them to remain indefinitely patient and

respectful if they were dealing with

anyone else who was threatening your

relationship failure to do this

functionally ensures that you will

experience more and more conflict in

your relationship until you end up

either a with the defeated shell of your

man's former self or B alone and how do

either one of these outcomes serve you

and just for the record just like I

encouraged you to Simply leave any man

who immediately escalates to anger I

encourage every man I work with to

Simply leave any woman who refuses to

respect his boundaries or listen to his

reasonable requests fighting with a

woman isn't worth it for a man because

there's no way he can win and staying in

a relationship until he is a husk of his

former self is an even more devastating

outcome this means the best possible

move when dealing with such women is for

men to exit as quickly and graciously as

possible I've since learned my lesson

and you can too what do you think does

this fit with your own experience let me

know in the comments below and if you've

gotten this far you might as well like

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for

listening