How to Work with an Insecure Boss: The Harvard Business Review Guide

Summary

The video script discusses strategies for dealing with insecure managers, a common workplace challenge. It outlines the traits of such managers, including micromanagement and a need for control, and advises against retaliation. Instead, it suggests understanding their insecurities, remaining patient, framing work as a joint effort, signaling non-threat, using genuine flattery, and restoring their sense of control. The goal is to build trust, reduce stress, and improve the work environment without exacerbating the manager's insecurities.

Takeaways

• 😣 Dealing with an insecure manager can be challenging as they may exhibit behaviors like micromanaging or undermining team members.
• 🔍 Insecure bosses often display traits such as excessive concern for others' opinions, indecisiveness, and a tendency to control information flow.
• 💡 Understanding the root cause of a manager's insecurity, such as fear of losing their position, can help reframe perceptions of their behavior.
• 🙅 Avoid retaliating or confronting an insecure manager as it may exacerbate their defensiveness and worsen the work environment.
• 🌟 Patience and empathy can be effective in managing interactions with an insecure boss, especially when they are under pressure.
• 🤝 Framing work as a joint effort and using 'we' statements can foster a sense of partnership and reduce a boss's insecurities.
• 🛡 Signaling that you are not a threat by adjusting your communication style can help to build trust with an insecure manager.
• 🎩 Genuine flattery and appreciation can positively impact an insecure manager, as they too need positive feedback and recognition.
• 🔑 Restoring a sense of control for the manager can alleviate micromanagement tendencies and make them feel more secure in their role.
• ⏰ Regular updates and transparent communication about work progress and interactions with others can reassure insecure managers of their involvement.
• 📚 The tactics discussed are derived from the book 'Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone—Even Difficult People,' offering further strategies for managing relationships at work.

Q & A

What is the most common and painful type of bad boss according to the script?

The most common and painful type of bad boss is the insecure manager.

How do insecure bosses typically behave towards their subordinates?

Insecure bosses can be nitpicky micro-managers, paranoid meddlers, and may even try to damage the careers of those they see as threats.

What common traits does the script suggest are indicative of an insecure manager?

Traits include being overly concerned with others' opinions, inability to make or stick with decisions, highlighting their own expertise at the expense of others, requiring approval for every detail, and controlling information flow by limiting team interactions with other departments or senior leaders.

Why is retaliating or confronting an insecure boss not recommended in the script?

Retaliating or confronting an insecure boss is likely to backfire as it may increase their defensiveness, making life more difficult for the employee.

What is the script's suggestion for understanding the behavior of an insecure boss?

The script suggests understanding the potential causes of their self-doubt and reframing their behavior by considering the pressures they might be under, such as fear of being seen as incompetent or losing their position.

What is the first tactic suggested in the script for dealing with an insecure manager?

The first tactic is to remain patient, understanding that many bosses may be overwhelmed, overextended, underqualified, or undertrained.

How can framing work as a joint effort with an insecure boss help improve the situation?

Framing work as a joint effort can build trust and diffuse the boss's insecurities by emphasizing teamwork and shared objectives, using 'we' statements, and sharing success.

What is the purpose of signaling to an insecure boss that you are not a threat?

Signaling that you are not a threat helps to position yourself as an ally, which can reduce the boss's defensiveness and improve the working relationship.

Why does the script suggest using genuine flattery with an insecure boss?

Genuine flattery can help restore an insecure boss's sense of competence and self-worth, as research shows that it can be beneficial for managers who feel incompetent.

What is the final tactic mentioned in the script for dealing with an insecure manager?

The final tactic is to restore their sense of control by keeping them updated, being transparent about your work, scheduling regular check-ins, and framing suggestions as questions to boost their sense of control.

What should you do if all tactics fail when dealing with an insecure manager, according to the script?

If all tactics fail, the script suggests figuring out how to set up boundaries to interact with your boss less.

What book are the tactics in the video taken from?

The tactics in the video are taken from the book 'Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone—Even Difficult People' by Amy Gallo.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Dealing with Insecure Managers

The first paragraph discusses the challenges of working with insecure managers, who may exhibit behaviors like micromanagement, meddling, or even attempts to undermine their subordinates' careers. It suggests that such managers are often overly concerned with their image, struggle with decision-making, and may restrict team interactions to control information flow. The speaker advises against retaliation, as it could exacerbate the situation, and instead recommends understanding the root causes of the manager's self-doubt. The paragraph also touches on the irony that those in power are often more prone to insecurity due to increased scrutiny and pressure, and proposes reframing one's perspective on the manager's behavior to better navigate the relationship.

05:01

🤝 Strategies for Managing Insecurity in Management

The second paragraph outlines various strategies for dealing with an insecure manager. It starts by emphasizing the importance of patience and empathy, considering the pressures that managers face. It then suggests framing work as a joint effort, using 'we' statements to foster a sense of partnership and trust. The paragraph also advises signaling non-threatening behavior to the boss, using language that does not challenge their intelligence or authority. Flattery, when genuine, is presented as a tool to boost the manager's confidence. Additionally, it recommends restoring the manager's sense of control by keeping them informed and involving them in the decision-making process through questions rather than direct suggestions. The speaker acknowledges that these tactics may not cure the manager's insecurities but can improve the working relationship. The paragraph concludes with a call to action for viewers to share their own tactics and suggests topics for future videos, referencing a book titled 'Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone--Even Difficult People.'

Keywords

💡Insecure Manager

An 'insecure manager' refers to a leader who lacks confidence in their own abilities or position, often manifesting as overbearing behavior or excessive control over their team. In the video, this concept is central as it explores the impact of such managers on their employees and offers strategies to cope with them. Examples from the script include behaviors like micro-managing, needing approval for every decision, and restricting team interaction with other departments.

💡Self-Doubt

Self-doubt is the feeling of uncertainty in one's own abilities or decisions. The video emphasizes that a certain level of self-doubt is normal, but it becomes problematic when it leads to actions aimed at concealing or compensating for these feelings, such as the behaviors exhibited by insecure managers. The script uses self-doubt to explain the underlying reasons for an insecure manager's actions.

💡Micro-Manager

A 'micro-manager' is someone who closely scrutinizes or controls the smallest details of a project or task, often to the point of controlling their subordinates' work excessively. In the context of the video, micro-managing is presented as a trait of insecure managers who feel the need to control every aspect of their team's work to assuage their own insecurities.

💡Control

In the video, 'control' is discussed in the context of insecure managers' attempts to manage their insecurities by exerting control over their team's work and interactions. Control is a recurring theme, as it is both a symptom and a tactic used by these managers, such as requiring approval for every decision and limiting team communication.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. The script suggests that employees should exercise empathy towards their insecure managers, recognizing the pressures they face, which can help in managing interactions and maintaining composure in challenging situations.

💡Joint Effort

'Joint effort' in the video refers to the collaborative approach employees can take with their managers to achieve common objectives. It is suggested as a tactic to frame work as a team endeavor, using 'we' statements to build trust and reduce the manager's insecurities by showing a united front.

💡Threat

In the context of the video, 'threat' is used to describe how an insecure manager might perceive a competent employee as a risk to their position or reputation. The script advises employees to signal that they are not a threat by aligning their goals with the manager's and by being mindful of how their actions and words are perceived.

💡Flattery

Flattery, when genuine, is presented in the video as an effective tactic to deal with insecure managers. It involves giving compliments or positive feedback to boost the manager's confidence and to foster a more positive working relationship. The script mentions that even simple expressions of gratitude can be beneficial.

💡Sense of Control

The 'sense of control' is discussed as something that insecure managers may lack, leading to behaviors like micro-managing. The video suggests that employees can help restore this sense by keeping their managers informed, transparent, and included in the decision-making process, which can alleviate some of the manager's insecurities.

💡Tactics

Tactics in the video refer to the various strategies employees can employ to improve their relationship with an insecure manager. These include remaining patient, framing work as a joint effort, signaling non-threat, using genuine flattery, and restoring the manager's sense of control. The script outlines these tactics as practical steps to navigate the challenges posed by insecure managers.

💡Feedback

Feedback, particularly positive feedback, is highlighted in the video as a way to support insecure managers and improve the workplace dynamic. By offering genuine compliments or expressing appreciation, employees can help managers feel more competent and valued, which can positively influence their behavior towards their team.

Highlights

Insecure managers can be micro-managers or meddlers who may even damage your career if they see you as a threat.

Insecure bosses may doubt your abilities, shoot down ideas, or blame you for their failures.

Common traits of insecure managers include being overly concerned about others' opinions and inability to make decisions.

Insecure managers may highlight their own expertise and credentials, sometimes at the expense of others.

They require approval for every decision and may restrict team interaction with other departments to control information flow.

Retaliatory actions against insecure managers can backfire and increase their defensiveness.

Understanding the causes of a manager's self-doubt can help reframe their behavior.

People in positions of power are more prone to feelings of insecurity due to the pressure and scrutiny they face.

Remaining patient and empathetic towards overwhelmed bosses can help manage tensions.

Framing work as a joint effort with the boss can build trust and diffuse insecurities.

Signaling that you're not a threat by adjusting your communication style can help improve the relationship with your boss.

Genuine flattery can help managers who feel incompetent, according to research.

Expressing appreciation for a boss's actions can increase your influence and decrease stress.

Restoring a sense of control for insecure managers can reduce micromanagement.

Keeping your boss updated and transparent about your work can make them feel included and in control.

Framing suggestions as questions can boost the sense of control in your boss.

If all tactics fail, setting boundaries to interact less with your boss may be necessary.

The video's tactics are derived from the book 'Getting Along, How to Work with Anyone--Even Difficult People.'

Transcripts

AMY GALLO: Of the many flavors of bad bosses out there,

one of the most common and most painful to work for

is the insecure manager.

Insecure bosses can be nitpicky micro-managers or paranoid

meddlers who make you question your every move.

And if they see you as a threat, they

may even try to damage your career.

If you've ever doubted yourself because your boss doesn't have

faith in you or shoots down your ideas without any explanation

or blames you for their lack of success, this video is for you.

So how do you're dealing with an insecure manager?

Here are some common traits.

They're overly concerned about what others think of them.

They can't make a decision or stick with one.

They're always highlighting their own expertise

or credentials, sometimes putting down others

to make themselves feel better.

They require that every decision in detail have their approval.

They don't allow their team to interact

with people from other departments

or senior leaders in an attempt to control

the flow of information.

If you're working with someone who fits that description,

what can you do?

It is so tempting to retaliate or to push back or confront

them or even report them to their boss.

But you shouldn't do that.

It is likely to backfire big time.

Once they sense that you have disdain for them

or that you can't be trusted, they're

likely to amp up their defensiveness, making

your life more miserable.

Instead, you want to start by understanding what might

be causing their self-doubt.

Let me just say, for the record, a certain amount of self-doubt

is completely normal.

At times, we all wonder if we can say nail that presentation

or if our coworkers think we're smart.

Insecurity crosses over into problematic behavior,

however, when people try to conceal or compensate

for their self-doubt.

They end up resorting to the tactics I just outlined.

This might surprise you, but research

shows that people in positions of power

are more prone to feelings of insecurity.

Think about it-- all eyes are on them.

They're under a lot of pressure.

They may fear being outed as incompetent

or even losing their position of power.

Knowing that can help you reframe

how you see their behavior.

For example, you may instinctively

think "my boss wants to destroy my career."

Or "my manager wants everyone else to look bad."

But go deeper, do they really want to destroy your career?

That's unlikely.

More likely they're nervous about losing their job,

say, in an upcoming round of layoffs.

Or they think that by criticizing you--

sometimes harshly--

they're going to motivate you to perform

better, which will ultimately make them look better.

OK, now that you have a better sense of their motives,

let's improve the situation.

Here are some tactics.

Tactic 1, remain patient.

Far too many bosses are overwhelmed, overextended,

underqualified, and/or undertrained.

It's quite possible that dealing with legitimate pressures,

like hitting year-end targets or dealing with tough clients

is causing them to take their insecurities out on you.

So exercise empathy.

Remain patient.

Easier said than done, I know.

But here's a tactic that's worked for others.

Imagine your boss as a child who's

completely unaware of the harm they're causing.

That mental picture can help you keep your composure

and stay calm.

Here's another example, if your boss is riling you up,

excuse yourself for a moment to take time to compose yourself

and calm down.

Controlling your anger can keep tensions down

and allow you to do your job.

Tactic 2, frame your work as a joint effort.

Instead of competing with your insecure boss--

pro tip, you're probably going to lose--

figure out what their objectives are

and how you can achieve them together.

This is about framing things as a joint effort.

Start sentences with "we" as much as possible.

Try saying things like "we've got this."

Or "it's good that we're in this together."

And when you do succeed, share the glory.

Don't in any way downplay your own efforts,

but highlight the partnership.

Acknowledging that you're on the same side

can build trust and diffuse your boss's insecurities.

Tactic 3, signal that you're not a threat.

You want your boss to think of you as an ally, not a rival.

It's best to do this at the beginning.

But it's never too late to reset the tone of your relationship.

The key is to watch what you say and do

so they don't see you as even more of a threat.

For example, saying something as simple

as "I don't understand that," can

feel like a challenge to their intelligence

even if you're genuinely curious what they're thinking.

A better way to say "I don't understand that,"

may be "help me understand your thinking."

Or instead of saying "why are we doing it this way?"

try saying something like, "do you mind

sharing your thinking here?"

Tactic 4, flattery works--

as long as it's genuine.

Research on managers who feel incompetent

has shown that flattery-- genuine flattery-- really

helps.

Like everyone else, your boss needs positive feedback too.

Many people worry about coming off as sycophants or suck-ups.

I get it.

If complements are not your thing,

just express appreciation for something they've done.

Even saying "thank you" preferably in front of others

can go a long way.

You might thank them for giving you a high-profile project

or making a connection for you in another department.

Buttering up your boss when they're

making your life miserable it's probably

the last thing you want to do.

But it's in your interest.

It'll increase your influence and decrease your stress.

Tactic 5, restore their sense of control.

Insecure managers who have trouble trusting others

often resort to micromanaging.

You can interrupt some of their meddling

by reassuring them that they're in charge.

Your manager may be terrified of being out of the loop.

So keep them up to date as much as possible.

And be transparent about what you're working on

and who you're talking to, especially

if it's people in other parts of the company.

Schedule regular check-ins to keep your boss updated

on projects that they care about.

Make them feel included in the process.

Over-communicating now will save you the effort

of defending yourself later.

Another sneaky way to make them feel in control

is to frame your suggestions as questions.

Research shows that asking questions instead of giving

answers boosts the sense of control in the other person.

So pose questions that start with "what if" or "could

we" then invite your manager to share their thoughts.

Instead of saying something like,

"I think we should roll this initiative out

in all of our markets," try saying, "what

if we rolled this initiative out in all of our markets?

What would that take?"

Or instead of saying, "it'd be better if we took a slower

approach here."

You could say, "what if we built on your idea

and tried to slow it down a bit?"

Unfortunately, no matter how strategic you are,

it's unlikely that you're going to cure your manager

of their insecurities.

And that's not your responsibility.

And ultimately, if all of these tactics fail,

you may need to figure out how to set up boundaries

so you just interact with your boss less.

Here's a quick recap.

Don't retaliate or push back.

Their anxieties are likely to ramp up, not calm down.

Try to understand what pressures your manager is under

or what's causing their insecurity.

Position yourself as an ally, not a rival.

Pay your boss genuine complements or express

gratitude and appreciation.

Start sentences with "we" as much as possible.

Keep them updated and be transparent about what

you're working on and who you're talking with.

And schedule regular check-ins where

you can share progress on projects your boss cares about.

And make them feel included in your work.

Thank you for watching.

All of the tactics in this video are

taken from my book "Getting Along,

How to Work with Anyone--

Even Difficult People."

If you've worked with an insecure manager

and you have a tactic to share, comment below.

Also, let us know if you have a topic you want us

to cover in an upcoming video.

Bye for now.