Dr. Daniel Amen on Using Focused Intention to Transform Your Relationships

Summary

The core conversation number two emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and clear communication with children. It encourages parents and grandparents to define their desired parenting style and the kind of children they wish to raise. The speaker shares personal experiences and highlights the balance between being firm yet kind, rejecting tantrums as a means to get one's way. Effective parenting is compared to good coaching, focusing on positive reinforcement and continuous learning, as opposed to the negative impact of rigid and demoralizing behaviors. The script also stresses the value of setting clear goals for intentional behavior in various aspects of life, including relationships, school, money, and health.

Takeaways

• 🤔 Reflect on your intentions: Engage in a self-reflective conversation about the type of parent or grandparent you aspire to be and the kind of children you want to raise.
• 👨‍👧‍👦 Be present: Aim to be present in your children's lives, as physical and emotional availability is crucial for building strong relationships.
• 🌟 Combine firmness with kindness: Strive to be firm in your decisions while maintaining kindness, empathy, and compassion in your interactions.
• 🚫 No tantrums: Establish clear boundaries that tantrums will not be rewarded, teaching children that manipulation through anger or anxiety is not acceptable.
• 👍 Positive reinforcement: Like good coaches or bosses, good parents notice and praise what children do right and guide them on how to improve.
• 🙅‍♂️ Avoid negative reinforcement: Ineffective parenting often involves focusing on what is wrong and demoralizing children, which can be detrimental to their development.
• 📝 Set clear goals: Write down your parenting aspirations and the qualities you want to instill in your children to bring more intentional behavior.
• 💪 Foster mental strength: Aim to raise children who are mentally strong, responsible, competent, and resilient.
• 🤝 Open communication: Have conversations with your children about their goals and aspirations in relationships, school, money, and health.
• 🔄 Continuous learning: Embrace the idea that being a good parent involves being flexible, always learning, and adapting to new situations.

Q & A

What is the core focus of the second conversation in the transcript?

The core focus is on having a self-reflective conversation about intentions and desires regarding one's role as a parent or grandparent and the type of children or grandchildren one wishes to raise.

What does the speaker suggest is essential to communicate to one's brain?

The speaker suggests that it is essential to communicate to your brain what you want clearly, specifically, and repeatedly.

What type of parent or grandparent does the speaker want to be?

The speaker wants to be a present, firm, and kind parent or grandparent, unlike their own father who was mostly absent during their upbringing.

What is the speaker's view on dealing with tantrums in children?

The speaker believes that one should not give in to tantrums as it encourages them to happen more frequently. Instead, children should be taught that tantrums do not lead to getting their way.

What is the family rule regarding tantrums according to the transcript?

The family rule is that if a tantrum is thrown to get one's way, the answer will always be no.

How does the speaker compare good parents to good coaches or bosses?

Good parents are like good coaches or bosses in that they notice what you do right, teach you when you could do better, inspire and motivate, and maintain positive relationships.

What is the speaker's description of ineffective parents?

Ineffective parents are like bad coaches or lousy bosses who focus on what you do wrong, demoralize those around them, are rigid, negative, and believe they are always right.

What action does the speaker suggest parents should take to clarify their parenting goals?

The speaker suggests that parents should write down the type of parent they want to be and what type of children they want to raise.

What qualities does the speaker want to instill in the children they raise?

The speaker wants to raise mentally strong kids who are responsible, competent, and resilient.

What conversation does the speaker recommend having with children?

The speaker recommends having a conversation with children about what they want in their relationships, school, money, and health.

What does the speaker believe is the outcome of having clear goals?

The speaker believes that clarity of goals brings more intentional behavior.

Outlines

00:00

👨‍👧 Parenting Intention and Self-Reflection

This paragraph emphasizes the importance of having a focused and intentional conversation with oneself and one's children about the type of parent or grandparent one aspires to be. It suggests being present and kind, drawing from personal experiences such as the narrator's distant relationship with their father. The paragraph also stresses the balance between being firm and kind, not giving in to tantrums, and teaching children that manipulation through anger or anxiety will not be rewarded. It highlights the difference between effective and ineffective parenting styles, comparing good parents to good coaches or bosses who notice and inspire improvement, versus bad ones who demoralize and are rigid. The narrator advocates for raising mentally strong, responsible, and resilient children and encourages having a clear conversation with kids about their goals in relationships, school, money, and health, as clarity of goals leads to more intentional behavior.

Keywords

💡Intention

Intention refers to the aim or purpose behind an action or decision. In the video's context, it is about setting clear goals for oneself and one's children to guide behavior and relationships. The script emphasizes the importance of having a clear intention to shape the kind of parent or grandparent one wants to be and the type of children one wants to raise.

💡Parenting

Parenting encompasses the practices and attitudes involved in raising children. The video discusses the qualities of effective parenting, such as being firm yet kind, and the importance of setting boundaries and not giving in to tantrums. It contrasts good parenting with ineffective parenting, highlighting the need for positive reinforcement and flexibility.

💡Grandparenting

Grandparenting refers to the role and responsibilities of grandparents in the upbringing of their grandchildren. The script suggests that the speaker wants to be a present and involved grandparent, contrasting this with their own distant relationship with their father during their childhood.

💡Firmness

Firmness in the context of the video means being resolute and consistent in enforcing rules and boundaries. It is linked to the idea of being a good parent who sets clear expectations and follows through on consequences, as opposed to being lenient and allowing bad behavior to go unchecked.

💡Kindness

Kindness is portrayed as a critical component of effective parenting and grandparenting. It involves treating children with empathy, compassion, and respect, even while enforcing rules or discipline. The video emphasizes that kindness does not mean giving in to tantrums or manipulation.

💡Tantrums

Tantrums are outbursts of anger or frustration, often used by children to try to get their way. The script advises against giving in to tantrums, stating that doing so teaches children that negative behavior is an effective strategy for achieving their goals.

💡Manipulation

Manipulation refers to the act of influencing someone to act in one's favor, often through underhanded or deceptive tactics. In the script, it is mentioned as a behavior that should not be rewarded, especially in the context of children using anger or anxiety to get what they want.

💡Coaching

Coaching is used metaphorically in the video to describe the supportive and instructive role a parent or grandparent can play. Good parents are likened to good coaches who notice and praise positive behaviors and provide constructive feedback for improvement.

💡Bosses

The term 'bosses' is used in the video to draw a parallel between ineffective parenting and poor leadership in a workplace context. Ineffective parents are compared to bad bosses who focus on mistakes and demoralize others, rather than inspiring and motivating.

💡Mental Strength

Mental strength is the ability to withstand challenges and maintain a positive attitude. The video script mentions the goal of raising children who are mentally strong, responsible, competent, and resilient, indicating a desire for children to be well-equipped to handle life's difficulties.

💡Goals

Goals are the objectives or targets one sets for oneself. The video emphasizes the importance of having clear goals for parenting and raising children, as this clarity leads to more intentional and purposeful behavior. It suggests that discussing and defining these goals with children can help align expectations and behaviors.

Highlights

Your brain makes happen what it sees, so tell your brain what you want clearly, specifically, and repeatedly.

Ask yourself what type of parent or grandparent you want to be and what type of kids or grandkids you want to raise.

I want to be present as a parent or grandparent, as my father was mostly gone when I grew up.

I want to be firm and kind as a parent or grandparent.

Being firm means saying something and meaning it, but doing it in a kind way with empathy and compassion.

Kindness is not giving into tantrums because it makes them more likely to happen.

If you allow kids to manipulate you through anger or anxiety, you teach them that's how they get their way.

The rule in our family is if you have a tantrum to get your way, the answer is no.

Good parents are like good coaches or good bosses; they notice what you do right and teach when you could do better.

Good parents inspire and motivate while maintaining positive relationships and are flexible and always learning.

Ineffective parents are like bad coaches or lousy bosses; they notice what you do wrong and never let you forget it.

Bad bosses demoralize those around them, are rigid, negative, and believe they are always right.

Write down the type of parent you want to be.

Write down what type of children you want to raise: mentally strong, responsible, competent, and resilient kids.

Have this conversation with your kids and ask them to write down what they want in their relationships, school, money, and health.

Clarity of goals brings more intentional behavior.

Transcripts

core conversation number two focused

intention this is a conversation you

need to have with

yourself as well as with your kids what

do you want your brain makes happen what

it sees you have to tell your brain what

you want clearly specifically and

repeatedly ask yourself what type of

parent or grandparent you want to be and

what type of kids or grand kids do you

want to raise as a parent and

grandparent I want to be present my

father was mostly gone when I grew up

and we didn't have a great relationship

until much later in life I also want to

be firm and kind remember these two

words and almost everything you do as a

parent or grandparent will work out firm

when you say say something mean it and

back it up but do it in a kind way with

empathy and compassion kindness is not

giving into Tantrums because it makes

them more likely to happen if you allow

kids young or old to manipulate you

through anger or even anxiety you teach

them that's how they get their way the

rule in our family is if you have a tant

to get your way the answer is no it will

always be no go ahead and throw the

Tantrum if you want to test it when they

find out it doesn't work and make sure

it doesn't work kids generally find a

better way to control themselves good

parents are like good coaches or good

bosses they notice what you do right and

teach when you could do better they

Inspire and motivate while maintaining

positive relationships they are flexible

and always learning ineffective parents

like bad coaches or lousy bosses think

of the worst boss you have ever had they

notice what you do wrong and never let

you forget it they demoralize those

around them are rigid negative and

believe they are always right after you

write down the type of parent you want

to be write down what type of children

you want to raise we want to raise

mentally strong kids who are

responsible competent and

resilient likewise have this

conversation with your kids ask them to

write down what they want in their

relationships school money and health

Clarity of goals brings more intentional

Behavior