Rethinking Challenging Kids-Where There's a Skill There's a Way | J. Stuart Ablon | TEDxBeaconStreet

Summary

In this insightful talk, the speaker discusses the importance of understanding challenging behavior in children and how it is often misunderstood. The core message is that 'kids do well if they can,' emphasizing that behavioral struggles are often due to a lack of skills rather than willpower. Drawing from over 25 years of experience and neuroscience research, the speaker highlights the need for collaborative problem-solving between adults and children to build skills like flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving. This approach, focusing on empathy and skill-building, can create positive outcomes across various settings, including homes, schools, and workplaces.

Takeaways

• 😀 Kids do well if they can – this is the guiding philosophy of the work. It suggests that if children could do well, they would, and if they're struggling, something is standing in their way.
• 😀 Conventional wisdom often assumes that kids misbehave because they don't want to do well, but the real issue is often a lack of skills, not will.
• 😀 Research in neuroscience has shown that children with challenging behavior are not lacking motivation but often have a learning disability in skills like problem-solving, flexibility, and frustration tolerance.
• 😀 Traditional discipline methods like rewards, punishments, and timeouts assume children misbehave due to a lack of desire to behave well. This approach is ineffective in helping children with behavioral challenges.
• 😀 Children who struggle with behavior may have a 'learning disability' in areas such as problem-solving, flexibility, and frustration tolerance, much like a child struggling in reading or math.
• 😀 Just like some children struggle with reading, others struggle with behavioral skills. They may need specific support to build skills in these areas.
• 😀 Kids with behavioral challenges are often trying harder than those who find behavior easier. The misconception that they are lazy or unmotivated contributes to misunderstanding their struggles.
• 😀 The process of collaborative problem solving involves empathy, identifying the child’s concerns, sharing adult concerns, and brainstorming solutions together. This builds crucial skills like problem-solving and flexibility.
• 😀 Predictable problems, like getting ready for school, offer opportunities to practice these skills. When adults use a collaborative approach, children can build the skills they need to handle similar challenges in the future.
• 😀 The process is not about solving the problem for the child but helping them find solutions that work for everyone, promoting mutual respect and cooperation.
• 😀 Children who struggle with behavior need the same compassionate and effective approaches as children with other learning disabilities. The goal is to help them develop the skills they need to succeed.

Q & A

What is the primary focus of the speaker's work over the past 25 years?

The speaker has focused on working with children, adolescents, their families, and teachers around the issue of challenging behavior.

What is the guiding philosophy of the speaker's work?

'Kids do well if they can' is the guiding philosophy, suggesting that children want to do well but may face obstacles preventing them from doing so.

How does the conventional wisdom about challenging behavior differ from the speaker's view?

Conventional wisdom often suggests that kids do well if they want to, implying that children who misbehave lack the desire to behave. The speaker argues that children misbehave because they lack the skills, not the will, to behave well.

What key skills does the speaker believe children struggling with challenging behavior lack?

The speaker believes these children lack skills like problem solving, flexibility, and frustration tolerance.

Why does the speaker compare children with challenging behavior to children with learning disabilities?

The speaker compares them because, like children with learning disabilities in areas such as reading or math, children with challenging behavior struggle with specific skills—problem solving, flexibility, and frustration tolerance—that need to be taught.

What was the historical misunderstanding about children with learning disabilities?

Historically, children who struggled academically were often labeled as lazy or dumb, instead of being identified as having learning disabilities like dyslexia.

How does the speaker differentiate between compliant children and those with challenging behavior?

The speaker points out that compliant children naturally perform well without much effort, while children with challenging behavior are often trying very hard to behave but struggle due to their skill deficits.

What is the role of empathy in solving problems with children who exhibit challenging behavior?

Empathy helps adults understand the child's concerns and enables them to collaborate with the child to solve problems, which leads to skill development in areas like problem solving, flexibility, and frustration tolerance.

How does the collaborative problem-solving process work, according to the speaker?

The process involves empathy to understand the child’s concern, sharing the adult’s concern, and then inviting the child to collaborate on mutually acceptable solutions. This allows the child to practice key skills like problem solving and flexibility.

Why does the speaker believe that collaborative problem solving can be effective in various settings?

The speaker believes that collaborative problem solving is effective because it encourages the practice of essential skills—problem solving, flexibility, and frustration tolerance—in real-life situations, benefiting children, adults, schools, and workplaces alike.