I grew up in a cult. It was heaven -- and hell. | Lilia Tarawa | TEDxChristchurch

Summary

This poignant narrative follows a woman's journey growing up in the Gloriavale Christian Community on New Zealand's South Island, detailing her strict upbringing, the deep emotional bonds within the community, and the eventual realizations that led her to question the oppressive authority of the leaders. Through personal experiences of humiliation, manipulation, and witnessing injustice, she finds the strength to escape the cult and discover her own identity. Her story speaks of love, self-worth, leadership, and resilience, highlighting the courage it takes to break free and embrace one's true potential.

Takeaways

• 😀 The speaker grew up in the Gloriavale Christian Community in New Zealand, a community founded on strict religious doctrines.
• 😀 The speaker’s grandfather played a significant role in the community’s establishment and in shaping the speaker’s early life.
• 😀 Childhood memories include communal celebrations where the community would come together for festivals, games, and fun, all paid for through the communal bank account.
• 😀 The speaker was raised in a deeply hierarchical society where women were expected to fulfill traditional roles, and men were seen as leaders.
• 😀 A pivotal childhood moment was when the speaker’s leadership skills were publicly shamed by her grandfather, marking the start of her internal struggle with self-worth.
• 😀 The speaker's relationship with women in the community, including her mother, was central to her upbringing, where caregiving and domestic roles were emphasized.
• 😀 The speaker’s realization of the abuse and control in the community grew as she witnessed physical punishment and emotional manipulation, leading her to question the teachings she was raised with.
• 😀 A key turning point was when the speaker's best friend, Grace, was punished for trying to escape an arranged marriage, which inspired the speaker to also seek freedom.
• 😀 The speaker eventually left the community with her family, determined to protect herself and her sisters from being forced into marriages they did not choose.
• 😀 In leaving the cult, the speaker embarked on a journey of self-empowerment, learning to understand herself and others better, eventually embracing her leadership abilities and overcoming shame and guilt.

Q & A

What is the significance of the speaker's grandfather in her early life?

The speaker's grandfather played a central role in her early life as both a spiritual and community leader. He was the one who founded the Gloriavale Christian Community and made key decisions for the group's survival. However, his actions were also pivotal in shaping her sense of worth, as he humiliated her publicly for showing leadership skills at a young age, which made her question her value.

How did the speaker feel about the concept of leadership in her childhood?

As a child, the speaker felt that leadership was something to be discouraged for women. Her grandfather’s public shaming of her for displaying leadership traits planted the belief that being a strong, independent leader was unacceptable in her community, especially for women.

What role did the community's strict practices and punishments play in the speaker's realization about its dysfunction?

The community’s harsh practices, including the physical punishment of children like Willing and the control over personal freedoms, led the speaker to question the validity of its teachings. The injustices she witnessed, such as the brutal punishment of children and the forced marriages, made her realize that the leaders' actions were far from the loving, Christ-like behavior they preached.

What was the relationship between the speaker and her best friend Grace?

The speaker and Grace shared a deep, loving friendship. Grace was an outsider who had been adopted into the community, and her rebellious spirit, along with her personal possessions from the outside world, inspired the speaker. Grace’s eventual escape from the community after being forced into a marriage she didn't want helped the speaker recognize the need to escape as well.

What motivated the speaker to leave the Gloriavale community?

The speaker was motivated to leave Gloriavale after witnessing the mistreatment of her friends and the realization that she would soon be forced into a marriage with someone she didn’t love. Her desire for personal autonomy and a life outside the oppressive community, where she could have control over her choices, propelled her decision.

How did the speaker view the role of women in the Gloriavale community?

The speaker was raised to view the role of women in Gloriavale as primarily focused on domestic duties, child-rearing, and submission to male authority. The community restricted women’s leadership and independence, promoting a culture where their worth was tied to traditional gender roles and service to the men.

What impact did the speaker's departure from the community have on her personal development?

Leaving Gloriavale allowed the speaker to begin exploring her own identity, away from the restrictive doctrines that defined her life. It sparked her curiosity about human behavior and self-understanding, leading her to study and develop leadership skills that would later help her in business and life outside the cult.

What was the speaker's view on punishment in Gloriavale, and how did it shape her beliefs?

The speaker was deeply disturbed by the use of corporal punishment in Gloriavale. She found it to be inconsistent with the love they were taught to believe in, especially when children were beaten and then told they were loved. This contradiction led her to question the moral and spiritual validity of the teachings in the community.

How did the speaker reconcile her childhood teachings with her later experiences?

As the speaker grew older, she began to reconcile the teachings of Gloriavale with her own experiences by recognizing the flaws and manipulations in the community's leadership. She learned to separate her love for others from the self-shame they had instilled in her, and eventually realized that her leadership skills and self-worth were valuable and needed to be nurtured.

What does the speaker's journey from submission to empowerment symbolize?

The speaker's journey symbolizes the transition from oppression to personal empowerment. Her escape from Gloriavale and her subsequent growth into a confident, independent woman who values her own leadership abilities is a testament to the strength of self-love, personal growth, and the courage to break free from an abusive and controlling environment.