This is how to lead a relationship as a man

Summary

Dans cette vidéo, Conor Beaton explore les trois principes clés pour les hommes afin de mener plus efficacement une relation. Il commence par définir la leadership comme un processus d'influence sociale vers un objectif commun. Il insiste sur l'importance de s'influer soi-même en développant des routines saines et des décisions claires. Ensuite, il met en évidence la nécessité de définir la direction de la relation, en prenant des décisions et en établissant le rythme et le ton. Enfin, il souligne l'importance de ne pas réagir mais de réguler ses émotions et de répondre de manière consciente pour construire la confiance et éviter la réactivité nuisible. Ce résumé encourage les hommes à assumer leur rôle de leadership dans leurs relations intimes.

Takeaways

• 😀 Le leadership est un processus d'influence sociale qui vise à orienter une personne ou un groupe vers un objectif commun.
• 👤 L'homme dans une relation doit exercer une influence positive et prendre possession de ses actions, décisions et choix.
• 🤔 Pour être un bon leader, commence par te leader toi-même, établis des routines saines et des structures de vie.
• 🔑 L'honnêteté envers soi-même est un indicateur clé de l'influence et du leadership que tu peux exercer sur toi-même et au sein de la relation.
• 🚫 Évite le contrôle autoritaire de ton partenaire, qui peut éroder la confiance et ne pas ressembler à un leadership.
• 🧭 Le leadership implique de définir une direction pour la relation, en prenant en compte les besoins et les désirs de ton partenaire tout en étant ferme sur tes propres non-négociables.
• 🏃‍♂️ Fixe le rythme et l'ambiance de la relation, en étant clair sur ce que tu souhaites et en établissant des limites saines.
• 🌟 Il est important d'avoir une vision pour ta relation, car elle détermine la direction que tu prends en tant que couple.
• 🤝 La création de direction inclut de comprendre et d'inclure les besoins et les désirs de ton partenaire tout en faisant des décisions éclairées.
• 💡 Lorsque tu prends des décisions, tu peux découvrir les besoins et les préférences de ton partenaire, ce qui peut aider à affiner la direction de la relation.
• 😡 Évite de réagir immédiatement aux stimuli externes, car cela peut mener à des réponses défensives ou négatives qui endommagent la relation.
• 🧘‍♂️ Apprends à réguler tes réactions et à répondre de manière consciente et équilibrée, en prenant du recul et en évaluant la situation de manière objective.

Q & A

Quelle est la définition de leadership selon Conor Beaton?

La définition de leadership selon Conor Beaton est un processus d'influence sociale qui consiste à influencer une personne ou un groupe de personnes vers un but, une tâche ou une vision commun.

Pourquoi est-il important pour un homme de leader dans sa relation?

C'est important car le leadership dans une relation concerne la direction, prendre la responsabilité de ses actions, décisions et choix, et où ces éléments mènent la relation et son partenaire sur tous les plans émotionnel, sexuel, financier et spirituel.

Quel est le premier point clé abordé par Conor pour améliorer le leadership dans une relation?

Le premier point clé est de savoir comment on se mène en premier. La relation se reflètera dans la manière dont on se mène, et la capacité à prendre des décisions saines et de créer une direction pour soi-même est cruciale.

Que signifie 'se mène' dans le contexte du leadership personnel?

Se mèner fait référence à la manière dont un homme dirige sa vie personnelle, incluant des routines saines, une structure à laquelle il se tient, la discipline et la capacité de prendre des décisions éclairées pour lui-même.

Quels sont les effets négatifs de ne pas se sentir en mesure de se diriger efficacement?

Les effets négatifs comprennent la tentation de contrôler son partenaire, de juger ses actions, de critiquer et de vouloir prendre des décisions pour elle, ce qui peut éroder la confiance et ne pas ressembler à du leadership mais plutôt à un contrôle autoritaire.

Quelle est la différence entre 'réagir' et 'répondre' selon le script?

Réagir est un processus inconscient qui conduit souvent à des réponses réflexives et infantiles, tandis que répondre implique de réguler ses réactions, de prendre du recul, de penser et de répondre de manière consciente et équilibrée.

Quel est le deuxième point clé mentionné pour le leadership dans une relation?

Le deuxième point clé est la direction. Il s'agit de déterminer où on va, avec qui, quand, et comment, en prenant des décisions sur l'évolution de la relation et en définissant le rythme et le ton.

Quelle est la différence entre 'définir le rythme' et 'définir le ton'?

Définir le rythme signifie être clair et transparent sur la vitesse à laquelle on souhaite que la relation avance, tandis que définir le ton implique de déterminer ce qui est acceptable et ce que l'on tolère dans la relation.

Quel est le troisième point clé abordé par Conor pour le leadership dans une relation?

Le troisième point clé est la régulation des réactions et la réponse consciente plutôt que de réagir immédiatement aux stimuli externes.

Pourquoi est-il important de ne pas réagir mais de réguler et de répondre?

C'est important car la réactivité peut détruire la sécurité dans une relation, ce qui est la base de la confiance. Une réponse régulée et consciente permet de maintenir cette sécurité et d'éviter les réponses défensives ou immatures.

Comment l'auteur suggère-t-il de gérer les conflits dans une relation?

L'auteur suggère de mettre en place une structure dans la dynamique relationnelle, incluant des limites claires sur ce qui est toléré et non toléré, et de prendre du recul pour réguler ses émotions avant de reprendre une discussion en conflit.

Quels sont les avantages d'une direction claire dans une relation?

Les avantages comprennent la prévention de la résignation et de la rancœur, la promotion d'une vision commune et la capacité de répondre aux besoins et aux désirs de chacun de manière inclusive.

Quelle est la métaphore utilisée par Conor pour décrire la culture relationnelle?

Conor utilise la métaphore de la culture d'entreprise pour décrire la 'culture relationnelle', qui est l'essence et l'ambiance de la dynamique au sein du couple.

Comment la vision d'un homme pour sa relation est-elle importante?

La vision d'un homme pour sa relation est importante car elle sert de guide pour l'évolution de la relation et permet d'éviter que la direction ne devienne la responsabilité exclusive de sa partenaire.

Outlines

00:00

🚀 L'importance de la leadership masculine dans une relation

Dans le premier paragraphe, Conor Beaton introduit le sujet de la leadership masculine dans les relations et souligne l'importance de cette compétence pour les hommes. Il définit la leadership comme un processus d'influence sociale visant à guider un individu ou un groupe vers un objectif commun. Il insiste sur le fait que pour les hommes, exercer une influence positive dans leur relation est crucial. Beaton met en évidence que la leadership dans une relation implique de prendre la direction, d'assumer la responsabilité de ses actions et de ses décisions, et de guider émotionnellement, sexuellement, financièrement et spirituellement le partenaire et la relation. Il avertit que les hommes qui ne se sentent pas en mesure de diriger eux-mêmes sont souvent tentés de contrôler leur partenaire, ce qui peut éroder la confiance et ne pas être bénéfique pour la relation.

05:01

🛤️ Définir la direction et l'ambiance de la relation

Le deuxième paragraphe se concentre sur la manière dont un homme doit définir la direction et l'ambiance de sa relation. Beaton explique que 'définir le rythme' signifie être clair sur la vitesse à laquelle on souhaite que la relation avance, sans se laisser presser par des décisions comme cohabiter, s'engager ou avoir des enfants. Il insiste sur l'importance de 'définir le ton', c'est-à-dire de déterminer ce qui est acceptable et ce que l'on ne tolère pas dans la relation, en établissant des limites claires. Il souligne également que créer une direction n'est pas aboutir à ignorer les besoins de son partenaire, mais plutôt à les comprendre et à les inclure dans les décisions futures de la relation.

10:01

🎯 Prendre des décisions et révéler les besoins

Dans le troisième paragraphe, Beaton insiste sur l'importance de prendre des décisions dans une relation, même si cela peut entraîner des remous. Il soutient que prendre des décisions révèle les besoins et les désirs de son partenaire, car elle réagira positivement ou négativement aux choix que l'on fait. Cela permet d'ajuster et d'améliorer continuellement la dynamique de la relation. Il partage également une anecdote sur un couple qui avait des problèmes pour décider quel film regarder, ce qui était symptomatique d'un manque de direction créée par l'homme dans la relation.

15:03

🧘‍♂️ Ne pas réagir, réguler et répondre

Le dernier paragraphe traite de la différence entre réagir et répondre dans le contexte d'une relation. Beaton encourage à ne pas réagir immédiatement face aux stimuli externes, car cela conduit souvent à des réponses défensives ou impulsives qui peuvent endommager la relation. Au lieu de cela, il recommande de réguler ses réactions émotionnelles et physiques, de prendre une pause pour réfléchir, et de répondre de manière consciente et réfléchie. Il cite Viktor Frankl pour souligner l'importance de cette 'pause' entre le stimulus et la réponse, où réside la capacité de leadership et de direction dans la relation.

Keywords

💡Leadership

La leadership est définie comme un processus d'influence sociale qui permet d'orienter une personne ou un groupe vers un objectif, une tâche ou une vision commune. Dans le contexte de la vidéo, elle est essentielle pour comprendre comment un homme peut diriger efficacement sa relation. L'influence qu'un homme a sur son partenaire est un élément clé pour donner de la direction et prendre des décisions qui façonnent l'avenir de leur relation.

💡Relation

La relation fait référence à la dynamique entre deux personnes dans un couple. Dans la vidéo, il est question de la manière dont un homme peut être un leader dans sa relation, en prenant en compte les besoins et les désirs de son partenaire tout en établissant une direction et en définissant les limites.

💡Direction

La direction est un concept clé qui implique de prendre possession de ses actions, décisions et choix, et de les orienter vers un but spécifique. L'homme est encouragé à avoir une vision pour sa relation et à prendre des décisions qui définissent l'orientation et le rythme de celle-ci.

💡Autodiscipline

L'autodiscipline est la capacité de suivre une structure de vie saine et de respecter les engagements personnels. Elle est présente dans le script en tant que fondement de l'efficacité de l'homme en tant que leader dans sa relation, en permettant de prendre des décisions saines et de créer une direction.

💡Contrôle

Le contrôle est présenté dans le script comme un comportement négatif où un homme tente d'exercer de la puissance sur sa partenaire au lieu de prendre en compte ses besoins et désirs. Cela peut éroder la confiance et la sécurité dans la relation.

💡Rythme

Le rythme fait référence à la vitesse à laquelle une relation progresse. L'homme est encouragé à définir le rythme de sa relation, en étant clair sur ses désirs et en comminiquant clairement avec sa partenaire pour éviter de se sentir pressé.

💡Tone

Le ton est utilisé pour décrire l'ambiance et les valeurs de la relation. Il est étroitement lié à la façon dont un homme établit les limites et la culture relationnelle, en déterminant ce qui est acceptable et ce qui ne l'est pas.

💡Réaction

La réaction est un terme qui décrit la réponse immédiate et souvent inconsciente à un stimulus. Dans la vidéo, il est souligné que réagir au lieu de réguler ses émotions et de répondre de manière consciente peut nuire à la sécurité et à la confiance dans la relation.

💡Régulation des émotions

La régulation des émotions est la capacité de gérer et de contrôler sa réaction face à différentes situations. Elle est cruciale pour éviter les réactions défensives ou négatives et pour maintenir une relation saine, en permettant de répondre de manière plus consciente et réfléchie.

💡Vision

La vision est la représentation mentale d'où on veut aller ou de ce qu'on souhaite accomplir. Dans le contexte de la relation, avoir une vision implique de définir les objectifs et de diriger la relation vers une certaine direction, en prenant en compte les besoins de tous les membres du couple.

Highlights

Leadership in a relationship is defined as a process of social influence towards a common goal.

Men often underestimate their influence on their partners within a relationship.

Leadership is about taking ownership over actions, decisions, and choices.

Leading oneself effectively is crucial for a healthy relationship dynamic.

Healthy routines and discipline are indicators of effective self-leadership.

Men who struggle with self-leadership may resort to controlling their partners.

Leadership should not involve controlling a partner but leading the relationship.

Direction in a relationship involves making decisions and setting the pace.

Setting the pace means moving at a comfortable speed without external pressure.

Setting the tone involves establishing boundaries and relational culture.

A man should have a vision for the relationship to provide direction.

Creating direction should include understanding and incorporating the partner's needs.

Reactivity can destroy trust and safety within a relationship.

Regulating emotions and responding consciously is key to effective leadership.

Reacting to a partner's actions can lead to defensive and unproductive outcomes.

Learning to pause and process before responding is essential for relationship leadership.

Regulating responses can help maintain trust and a healthy relational dynamic.

The importance of not reacting but instead regulating and responding in relationships.

Transcripts

all right welcome i'm conor beaton and

today we're going to talk about the

three things that you can do right now

to lead more effectively in your

relationship as a man and before we dive

into that just a quick reminder if you

haven't already done so yet hit the

subscribe button and the bell icon to

get notifications but when i drop new

videos on how you can be a better

self-led man in the world all right so

leadership what does it mean how do we

lead in a relationship why is it

important before i dive into the three

things that you can tackle and you can

start to take action on

i just want to say a few things about

leadership number one the definition of

leadership is a process of

social

influence of influencing one person or a

group of people towards a common goal or

task or vision

so for you as a man within your

relationship the influence that you have

is incredibly important now for most men

they're not aware of the influence that

they have in their relationship over

their partner much like they might want

to ignore or reject the influence that

their partner has over them so that's

probably for a different video but what

i really wanted to drive home here

before we dive into the three points is

that leadership for you

leadership in a relationship is about

direction it's about taking ownership

over your actions your decisions your

choices and where those actions

decisions and choices are leading you

are leading the relationship and are

leading your partner emotionally

sexually financially spiritually in all

avenues and areas of the relational

dynamic so with that said with the

foundation of how i'm defining

leadership let's dive into the three

points so rule number one is how are you

leading yourself first

so your relationship is going to be a

mirror in some ways of your leading

leadership but the most important aspect

is how are you leading yourself in your

life do you have healthy routines do you

have a structure that you abide by are

you disciplined are you doing the things

that you ultimately want are you able to

make healthy decisions good decisions

for yourself for your finances for your

health for your well-being for your

career for your business right how are

you actually allowing yourself to be

influenced by yourself another thing you

can look at is are you honoring your

commitments and practices this will be a

good indicator of how you're influencing

and leading and creating direction

within yourself as a man now the main

thing that i want you to know is that

when you as a man

do not feel like you're leading yourself

effectively when we're not

keeping our word as men we're not when

we're not maintaining our commitments

and our practices uh when you are not

able to make healthy strong decisions

for yourself and create direction what

most men do

unfortunately is they begin to try and

control their partner so they begin to

look at their wife their girlfriend

their spouse their whatever it is

boyfriend husband etc and they begin to

try and control that other person they

begin to judge their actions and

criticize them and try and make

decisions for them and force them into a

kind of coherence of what they believe

should be happening

so this isn't leadership right this is

dictatorship this is an authoritarian

standpoint that a lot of men fall into

the trap of and it's almost like the

more out of control that you feel as a

man the more that you feel the need to

control your partner and this can be

very detrimental it can erode the trust

within the relationship and ultimately

it doesn't feel like leadership it feels

like control so you might hear your

partner start saying i feel like you're

always trying to control me or

you know i feel like you make all the

decisions for me in my life or she won't

be saying things like that but what

you'll feel is that you're responsible

for her happiness for her sense of being

okay that you're responsible for her

well-being as a human being and so when

that happens it means that you have

taken

control

of that individual's life rather than

leading the relationship itself simply

put the last thing i'll say is

she can't trust you unless you can lead

you she won't surrender won't soften

won't be open

uh to your guidance to you in many

different ways if you can't lead you if

you aren't willing and able to step into

a position of being responsible of

making decisions for yourself and

creating direction for yourself so that

brings me to point number two direction

is leadership

where are you going who are you going

with when are you doing it what does it

look like

making the decisions

for where the relationship is going

setting the pace and setting the tone

are two very important things and so

one of the things that i want to do is

just define those two entities so

setting the pace means

being clear and transparent and knowing

for yourself at the speed at which you

are comfortable with the relationship

going right not allowing yourself to be

pressured into moving in together or to

solidifying certain things in the

relationship or to moving into being

engaged or marriage or having kids

before you know that it's unequivocally

a yes for you before you have moved into

a place that you as a man have made a

solitary

sovereign decision that you want to move

in that direction and that you're

maybe not ready to move in that

direction because sometimes readiness

isn't necessarily available right not

every man is ready to have kids but he's

wanting he's willing and he's committed

to it so knowing that you are wanting

willing and committed to something and

then being clear about communicating

that right being able to say uh you know

in a year i want to start having to try

k for for having kids or you know in a

year i want us to work towards moving in

together so giving that kind of

direction setting the pace and then on

the other side setting the tone

what is

acceptable what will you tolerate what's

what will you not tolerate both within

yourself and within the relationship so

in modern online culture this is called

boundaries but i think in many ways it's

about how you as a man hold the frame of

the relationship it's how you build

structure within the relationship and

that tone is really almost like the

relational culture right so if you've

ever been a work environment talk a lot

about culture that's just this sort of

feeling and the essence of the dynamic

within a group but here the tone within

your relationship is set around what do

you value as a man as a couple what does

the relationship value what commitments

does the relationship value right so for

example maybe part of the tone of your

relationship

is that verbal character assaults in

arguments and conflict are not

welcome right so it's just a

non-negotiable it's just like when that

happens we pause we pause the conflict

we don't engage with that and we

reconvene when both of us have sort of

cooled down or uh when one of you needs

to sort of take a moment to pause so

those types of things setting that

structure within your relational dynamic

around what you'll tolerate what you

won't tolerate uh and what you really

want the relationship to look like right

you as a man should have a vision for

your relationship because that vision

that goal of what the relationship looks

like is

the direction that you are going to be

taking the relationship so far too many

men get into a relationship and the

vision and the goal of the relationship

the direction the relationship is

heading becomes the woman's

responsibility or the man just starts to

acquiesce what that woman wants and then

he builds up resentment over years or

over months and he begins to pull away

from her from the relationship

altogether lastly what i want to say

about direction is that creating

direction isn't about ignoring your

partner's needs and solely prioritizing

your own it's about understanding your

partner well enough to include them and

their needs and their wants in the

decision in the direction now that

doesn't mean that you need to

forfeit your own non-negotiables it

doesn't mean that you need to forfeit

your own boundaries or

you know collapse on certain things

right and move in together or

agree to get engaged or agree to

progress the relationship too quickly

it means that you take into account what

your partner might want or need so it's

also about you creating direction in

terms of making decisions right i

remember i had a client who talked about

how his partner and him would always get

into arguments around what they were

going to have for dinner and it and it

was became this huge problem within the

relationship this mundane decision

was an indicator of something much

larger in the relationship where you

know at 3 30 he'd be at work and he'd be

texting her hey what do you want to do

for dinner tonight and she would say i'm

not really too sure and then she would

list out what they had in the fridge or

she would list out options you know for

the nearby places that they could order

from they would go back and forth and

they would literally spend hours talking

about this and he wouldn't make a

decision and she wouldn't make a

decision because she was waiting for him

to take the lead to to make the decision

about what they were going to have for

dinner and it would turn into an

argument and it was this huge problem

that was indicative of the fact that he

wasn't making decisions uh in areas

where she was looking for him to make a

choice to create direction within the

relationship so begin to make some of

those decisions know that you're gonna

get pushback sometimes right know that

in making a decision your partner's

needs will be revealed so sometimes if

you don't know what she wants or what

she needs the clear fact of you making a

choice to go to the bachelor party where

you're going to go for dinner what

you're going to do on date night all of

those things will then reveal her needs

and wants because she'll either say this

is amazing i love this thank you so much

for

you know planning this for us or putting

this together or she'll say you know i

really don't like going to these types

of movies or i really don't like these

types of restaurants so it'll inform

your decision and your direction pattern

now before i jump into the last point

which is maybe the most important one

feel free to leave a comment below and

let me know what resonates with you what

you learned what you liked and maybe

what you would add to this conversation

because i always love hearing your

thoughts your feedback and how

specifically you've learned to lead in

your relationship so the final piece

that i think is arguably the most

important aspect of leading within your

relationship is the notion of don't

react

regulate and respond

don't react regulate and respond

rather than

reacting to external stimulus right

because a reaction is we get stimulus

and we immediately react to it we

immediately become defensive or say

something or we don't think about it we

don't process it in any way shape or

form we don't metabolize what's going on

we just react to the stimulus for a lot

of men because you're busy because you

got a lot going on because you're you're

doing your best to uh you know balance

work and life and health and fitness and

finances and kids and all of the things

that you have going on in your life we

move into a reactionary state so quickly

and

that's often what gets us into trouble

right is that we don't take a moment to

just pause and breathe and think or feel

uh what it is that's actually happening

you know what our partner is actually

saying so viktor frankl a great author

and psychologist from the early 20th

century

who survived auschwitz who was in world

war ii uh was a jewish prisoner within

uh nazi camps

he had a great quote where he said

between stimulus and response there is a

pause and it's in that pause and this is

my my part that i'm adding to it it's in

that pause where you find your own voice

where you find your own sense of

leadership where you're able to connect

to maybe the defensiveness or the anger

or the embarrassment or whatever it is

that's coming up inside of you

so reacting is not leading reacting is

an unconscious process that often leads

to reflexive childish responses that

almost never yields the result that you

want i cannot stress that enough

if you are not getting the results that

you want in your life specifically in

your relationship it is likely because

you are reacting to everything that your

partner says or does how she maybe

criticizes you or doesn't do what you

want or or you know you ask for what you

want and maybe she doesn't

show up in that way and so your

reactivity

is a very crucial piece of information

that is hijacking you from being able to

produce the results that you want so

regulate and respond reactivity destroys

the safety within relationships okay

reactivity destroys the safety within

relationships and what that means is

that trust is built on the notion that

you're going to be able to respond in a

conscious

grounded healthy manner and that trust

is broken if you're reacting constantly

from a defensive space getting upset

yelling shutting down storming out not

engaging a conversation all of those

things over time are going to erode the

safety and the trust and the sanctity of

your relationship so moving into a

regulated response pattern is very

important so here's here's what this

means

it means that you notice your physical

and emotional response

to something to the stimulus right to

your partner saying hey you forgot to

take the garbage out so maybe the

reactivity pattern would be well uh you

know you just don't know how much else i

i've done today you know you didn't

notice that i folded the laundry put the

laundry away or you know you don't know

how busy i've been at work today or that

would be the defensive reaction the

grounded response would be to breathe

take a moment to notice what you are

physically feeling right maybe you feel

some agitation brewing up maybe

emotionally you feel immediately angry

and to breathe in the pause and to say

you know is it true

is it helpful

yep it's true i forgot to take the

garbage out is it helpful yeah it's a

great reminder okay you know what you're

right cool no problem i got it and to

moved into a regulated

space and then a response so then we

could say yeah of course you know what i

totally forgot thanks for the reminder

boom away we go

so this

pattern of being able to regulate

yourself so that you're not

hyper-reactive so you're not defensive

you're not shutting down you're not

storming out you're not acting in an

emotionally childish way

you're acting more in line with what the

stoics talked about right being able to

regulate and understand what's happening

in your body physically and emotionally

and then being able to think critically

about about what's happening and respond

from that place let me know if you

enjoyed

everything that we touched on in this

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