Where do I go from here?

Summary

The speaker expresses feelings of being lost and uncertain about their future, grappling with a lack of direction despite attempts to find purpose. They reflect on their past experiences with YouTube and gaming, contemplating freelancing but feeling inadequate compared to others. While they acknowledge their hobbies, such as music and voice acting, they feel these activities have not led to anything substantial. The speaker discusses struggling with motivation, loneliness, and the pressure of expectations during the holiday period, questioning their purpose and wondering if they should continue pursuing their passions or focus on studies.

Takeaways

• 😀 The speaker feels extremely lost and uncertain about their current life direction, especially during the winter holiday.
• 🎥 The speaker recently helped a classmate with a project, which led to them considering freelancing, though they doubt their skills and the potential success of freelancing.
• 💭 Despite not feeling their editing skills are advanced enough, the speaker has created a freelancing profile, though they don’t believe it will lead to meaningful opportunities.
• 🌐 The speaker reflects on their past dreams of becoming a successful YouTuber but feels detached from that goal, unsure whether to keep chasing it.
• ⚖️ The speaker expresses internal conflict about letting old dreams die, even if they recognize that some things need to be let go in order to move forward.
• 🌙 Although the speaker has spent time with family and friends during the holidays, they still feel a deep sense of emptiness and lack of fulfillment after the initial days.
• 🎮 The speaker feels unfulfilled by their daily activities, including gaming, which has lost its appeal due to limited resources and repetitive gameplay.
• 📉 The speaker criticizes their routine, which consists mostly of gaming, smoking, sleeping, and eating, acknowledging that they want to change but feel stuck.
• 🎸 The speaker has various hobbies, including playing guitar, making music, and voice acting, but they feel these activities never lead to anything substantial or fulfilling.
• 🏫 The speaker reflects on the idea of pursuing a traditional education and job path but feels that it lacks a deeper sense of purpose or meaning.
• 🧠 The speaker mentions the challenges of socializing due to having autism and possibly ADHD, which adds to their sense of isolation and difficulty in connecting with others.
• ⏳ With two weeks left of their holiday, the speaker is unsure how to make the most of this time and struggles with a sense of aimlessness and confusion about their next steps.
• 💔 The speaker seems to experience moments of deep sadness and self-doubt, questioning whether they have depression, but without an official diagnosis.

Q & A

Why does the speaker feel lost during the winter holiday?

The speaker feels lost due to a lack of direction and purpose. Although they are using the holiday for rest, they experience emptiness and confusion about their life goals, hobbies, and future. Their activities, such as gaming and sleeping, feel repetitive and unfulfilling.

What led the speaker to consider freelancing?

The speaker's classmate suggested they use their basic editing skills to become a freelancer. While the speaker doesn't feel their skills are advanced enough to compete in the market, they created a freelancing page as an attempt to explore this opportunity.

Why does the speaker feel their freelancing efforts won't succeed?

The speaker believes their freelancing efforts will be unsuccessful due to the competitive nature of the market, lack of competitive pricing, and their own self-doubt about the quality of their skills. They express skepticism about standing out in a crowded field.

How does the speaker reflect on their past aspirations, especially regarding YouTube and streaming?

The speaker reminisces about their aspirations from 2017, when they first started YouTube at 12 years old. They longed for the success and lifestyle of top streamers but now feel disconnected from that dream. They question if pursuing that goal is worth it and express a sense of futility.

What role does education play in the speaker's life, and how do they feel about it?

Education is seen as a path to securing a job, which the speaker feels is the 'right' thing to do. However, the speaker feels disconnected from this process, especially during long breaks when they are left to their own devices. They find this routine unfulfilling and hollow, despite pursuing it.

What challenges does the speaker face in forming social connections?

The speaker identifies having autism and possibly ADHD as factors that make it difficult to form social connections. They feel that these conditions hinder their ability to connect with others, even though they desire to improve their social relationships.

How does the speaker feel about their current hobbies and activities?

While the speaker has hobbies like playing guitar, making music, and voice acting, they feel that these activities are merely distractions. They express frustration that none of these hobbies lead to meaningful outcomes or a sense of accomplishment.

What is the speaker's emotional state regarding their future and personal identity?

The speaker feels emotionally lost and uncertain about their future. They struggle with a lack of purpose and identity, which intensifies their feelings of emptiness. This confusion is compounded by their inability to find a strong interest or passion.

How does the speaker view the idea of productivity during their break?

While the speaker tries to be productive by working out and doing household chores, they still feel disconnected and unfulfilled. The sense of productivity feels fleeting, as they quickly return to unproductive habits like gaming and bed-rotting, which don’t provide long-term satisfaction.

Does the speaker suspect they have depression, and how do they deal with their emotions?

The speaker wonders if they might have depression but is unsure. They mention that they have never been diagnosed, only diagnosed with a developmental disorder, and express that treatment might help, though they have not sought it. They deal with their emotions by reflecting on their feelings in a stream-of-consciousness manner, trying to make sense of their confusion.