How To Stop Judging Yourself

Summary

In this episode, Leo from Actualised.org discusses the detrimental effects of judgments on personal life, emphasizing how judgments about others often apply to oneself as well. He illustrates this with examples like judging overweight individuals, attractive women, or the wealthy, showing how these judgments can lead to self-sabotage and create problems in various aspects of life. Leo provides an exercise to identify personal judgments and suggests mindfulness to recognize and overcome their negative impacts, ultimately promoting self-improvement and personal development.

Takeaways

• 🔍 The script emphasizes the insidious nature of judgments, explaining how they can negatively impact one's life without the individual's awareness.
• 🌟 The core message is that judgments made about others are simultaneously self-judgments, which can lead to self-sabotage and create difficulties in the future.
• 🏋️‍♂️ An example given is how judging overweight individuals can lead to guilt and shame when one's own fitness or health falters, illustrating the boomerang effect of judgments.
• 👫 The transcript discusses how societal and familial judgments can be internalized and perpetuated, affecting personal relationships and self-perception.
• 💰 It highlights the potential for judgments about wealth to hinder one's financial success, as the subconscious may sabotage wealth accumulation to avoid being perceived as 'rich and unscrupulous'.
• 🤸‍♀️ The speaker shares personal experiences and insights, including the realization that a people-pleasing personality stemmed from early judgments about inconsiderate behavior.
• 📝 A powerful exercise is introduced to help listeners identify their own judgments by listing every judgment they've ever made about others and themselves.
• ⏱️ The exercise is demonstrated by the speaker, who provides unfiltered examples of judgments in a stream of consciousness manner, aiming to reveal the depth and range of these judgments.
• 🔑 The importance of mindfulness in recognizing the frequency and impact of judgments is stressed, as it's a key step toward personal growth and transformation.
• 🛑 The transcript suggests that by stopping judgments of others, one can effectively stop self-judgment, leading to a more fulfilling and less conflicted life.
• 🌱 The final takeaway is an encouragement to engage in consistent personal development work, such as the exercises and practices suggested, to achieve significant life changes over time.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Leo's discussion in this episode?

The main topic of Leo's discussion is about how to stop judging oneself and the impact of judgments on one's life.

What does Leo suggest is the problem with judgments?

Leo suggests that judgments are poisoning your life because they often backfire on you without your awareness, affecting your self-perception and behavior.

How does Leo illustrate the concept that judgments about others apply to oneself?

Leo uses various examples, such as judging fat people, attractive women, rich individuals, and newbies, to illustrate how making judgments about others can lead to self-judgment and create difficulties in one's own life.

What is the example Leo provides about judging fat people and how it can backfire?

Leo explains that if you judge fat people and then find yourself gaining a little weight, you may start to feel guilty and neurotic, which can make your fitness routine about avoiding the judgment you've placed on others.

How does judging attractive women, according to Leo, potentially affect a woman's own sexual experiences?

Leo suggests that if a woman judges other attractive women as 'skanks', she may feel guilty or repressed in her own sexual experiences, preventing her from enjoying sex fully due to the incongruence with her own self-image.

What is the potential issue with judging rich people, as mentioned by Leo?

Judging rich people can create a problem if you become successful and wealthy yourself. The judgment you've internalized may make you feel guilty or conflicted, potentially sabotaging your own success.

What exercise does Leo recommend to help individuals recognize their own judgments and their impact?

Leo recommends an exercise where individuals write out a comprehensive list of every judgment they've ever made about others and themselves, then identify which judgments have the potential to backfire on them.

Why is it important to include both positive and negative judgments in Leo's exercise?

It's important to include both positive and negative judgments because both can create rigid rules that limit your behavior and potentially backfire, affecting your life in negative ways.

How does Leo demonstrate the exercise he recommends?

Leo demonstrates the exercise by doing a stream of consciousness where he lists judgments he's made about others and himself without filtering, aiming to show the process and the types of judgments that might be overlooked.

What is the key takeaway from Leo's discussion on judgments?

The key takeaway is that judgments you make about others often apply to yourself as well, creating a double-edged sword effect. To stop judging yourself, you must also stop judging others and become more mindful of your judgments.

Outlines

00:00

🚫 Overcoming Self-Judgment

Leo from Actualised.org introduces a discussion on the negative impact of self-judgment and how it's often a reflection of our judgments of others. He emphasizes that judgments can be harmful and suggests an exercise to help viewers recognize and stop this pattern. The example of judging overweight people and the potential repercussions on one's own self-perception and behavior, especially in situations like holidays or relationships, is used to illustrate the point.

05:02

👙 Judging Others' Appearance and Sexuality

This paragraph delves into how women often judge other attractive women, labeling them derogatorily, and the impact this can have on their own sexual experiences and self-image. Leo explains that being judgmental about others' sexual behavior can lead to feelings of guilt and repression in one's own sex life, affecting the quality and enjoyment of intimate relationships.

10:03

💰 The Consequences of Judging Wealth

Leo discusses the issue of judging wealthy individuals and the potential self-sabotage it can cause when one becomes successful themselves. He uses the example of someone who might judge rich people as 'douchebags' and how this judgment can create an internal conflict when they start to earn more money or consider starting a business, potentially leading to the sabotage of their own success.

15:03

🏋️‍♂️ Judging Newcomers and Personal Growth

The speaker talks about the tendency to ridicule newcomers, particularly in the context of a gym, and how this can boomerang back when one finds themselves in a similar situation, such as learning a new skill like golf. He explains that judgment can lead to self-consciousness and quitting new activities, thus limiting personal growth and opportunities.

20:04

🌟 The Pitfalls of Positive Judgments

Leo highlights that not all judgments are negative and that even positive judgments can be problematic. He uses the example of admiring a charismatic coworker and feeling inadequate in comparison, which can lead to a persistent sense of inadequacy in social interactions. He stresses that judgments create mental rules that can apply to oneself, causing emotional distress.

25:05

🤷‍♂️ The Hidden Costs of Judging Laziness

The paragraph explores the repercussions of labeling people as lazy, suggesting that this judgment can lead to overworking oneself to avoid being perceived as lazy. Leo illustrates how this can result in burnout, health issues, and strained personal relationships due to the pressure of living up to self-imposed standards.

30:26

💔 The Unintended Effects of Judging Unloving Behavior

Leo discusses the example of a woman who, having experienced an unloving mother, resolves to be a more loving mother herself. However, this judgment can lead to self-sacrifice and resentment, as she may neglect her own needs to avoid being like her mother. This can ultimately harm her children, her spouse, and her own well-being.

35:32

🔗 The Connection Between Judgments and Personal Limitations

The speaker explains how judgments create rigid rules that limit one's ability to adapt and be spontaneous in life. He suggests that these judgments can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and dissatisfaction, and can cause self-sabotage in various areas of life. Leo shares a personal insight about how his judgment of his father influenced his own behavior as a people pleaser.

40:34

✍️ The Exercise to Uncover Hidden Judgments

Leo introduces an exercise designed to help viewers identify their judgments about others and themselves. He instructs them to write down every judgment without filtering, aiming to recognize patterns that may be causing issues in their lives. He demonstrates the exercise by listing various judgments he has made, both positive and negative.

🔍 Becoming Mindful of Judgmental Behavior

The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of mindfulness in recognizing how often judgments are made and their self-destructive nature. Leo advises viewers to be aware of their judgments, especially in jest with friends, and to notice how these judgments can limit their life experiences and personal growth.

🌐 Resources for Personal Development

Leo invites viewers to visit his website, Actualized.org, for additional resources such as mp3 versions of videos, a free newsletter, courses, and book recommendations. He encourages consistent engagement with personal development materials to stay on track and transform one's life over time.

Keywords

💡Judgment

Judgment refers to the act of forming an opinion or evaluation about something or someone. In the video's context, it is portrayed as a negative force that poisons one's life by creating rigid rules and expectations. The speaker illustrates how judgments about others often backfire and apply to oneself, leading to self-inflicted limitations and emotional distress. Examples from the script include judging others for their weight, wealth, or behavior, which later cause personal discomfort or conflict when faced with similar situations.

💡Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is the act of unconsciously or consciously acting in ways that undermine one's own goals or well-being. The video discusses how making judgments can lead to self-sabotage by creating internal conflicts and negative emotions that prevent personal growth or success. For instance, the script mentions how judging rich people might later hinder one's financial aspirations or how judging others for being 'lazy' could lead to overworking oneself to an unhealthy extent.

💡Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the current moment, with an open and aware attitude. The speaker emphasizes the importance of mindfulness in recognizing the subtle and often unconscious judgments we make. By being more mindful, individuals can become aware of their judgments and their impact, which is the first step towards changing the negative patterns highlighted in the video.

💡Self-Actualization

Self-actualization is a psychological concept referring to the highest level of personal development, where one realizes their full potential and creativity. The video's theme of stopping self-judgment is tied to the broader goal of self-actualization. The speaker suggests that by eliminating judgments, individuals can overcome barriers to personal growth and achieve a more fulfilling life, as indicated by the reference to the Actualized.org and the speaker's commitment to adding resources that aid in self-actualization.

💡Backfire

To backfire means for an action or plan to have an opposite effect to what was intended, often causing harm or trouble to the person responsible. In the video, the term is used to describe the unintended negative consequences of making judgments about others. The speaker provides various examples, such as judging others for their appearance or behavior, which later cause personal distress or hinder one's own progress.

💡Exercise

In the context of the video, an exercise refers to a mental or written activity designed to help individuals understand and address their own judgments. The speaker provides a specific exercise where individuals are encouraged to list all judgments they have ever made about others and themselves, which serves as a tool for self-reflection and awareness, ultimately aiming to reduce judgmental thinking.

💡Stream of Consciousness

Stream of consciousness is a narrative technique that presents the flow of thoughts and feelings as they occur in a character's mind. The speaker uses this technique during the exercise demonstration, listing judgments without filtering or censoring them, to authentically represent the uncontrolled flow of thoughts and to encourage viewers to do the same in their own exercise.

💡Neurotic Patterns

Neurotic patterns refer to recurring, irrational, or maladaptive behaviors or thought processes that are indicative of a neurosis. The video suggests that making judgments can lead to the formation of neurotic patterns, where individuals experience unnecessary guilt, shame, or anxiety. The speaker uses examples such as feeling guilty about gaining weight after judging overweight people or feeling conflicted during sexual encounters due to judgments about others' sexuality.

💡Self-Image

Self-image is the mental representation of oneself, encompassing one's personal identity, personality, appearance, and abilities. The video discusses how judgments can affect one's self-image by creating a sense of incongruence when one's actions or circumstances do not align with their judgments about others. For example, the script mentions feeling shameful about one's own weight gain because it conflicts with previously held judgments about overweight individuals.

💡Consistency

Consistency, in the context of the video, refers to the need for one's thoughts, actions, and self-perception to align with each other. The speaker explains that judgments create a desire for personal consistency, which can lead to negative emotions or behaviors when one's actions do not match their judgments. For instance, the script describes how judging others for being rich can create a sense of guilt when one becomes wealthy themselves, as it feels inconsistent with their previous judgments.

Highlights

Leo discusses the negative impact of judgments on personal life and how they can poison one's existence.

Judgments about others often apply to oneself, leading to self-judgment and potential future difficulties.

The exercise of listing judgments made about others and oneself is introduced as a powerful tool for self-reflection.

Judging overweight individuals can lead to feelings of guilt and shame if one's own weight increases.

The example of judging attractive women and the potential negative effects on one's sex life is presented.

Judgment of rich people can create a conflict within oneself when becoming wealthy or considering business opportunities.

Making fun of newbies at the gym can lead to self-consciousness when attempting new activities as a beginner.

Positive judgments, such as perceiving someone as charismatic, can also lead to feelings of inadequacy.

Judgment of panhandlers can backfire when one is accused of laziness, leading to overwork and potential burnout.

The 'unloving mother' example illustrates how early judgments can lead to self-sacrifice and family problems.

Judgments create rigid rules that limit one's flexibility and ability to adapt to life's circumstances.

Leo shares a personal insight about being a people pleaser due to judgments made about his father's inconsiderateness.

The exercise of listing judgments is demonstrated by Leo, emphasizing the importance of including both positive and negative judgments.

Being mindful of judgments made about others is crucial as they often reflect back onto oneself.

The importance of recognizing and addressing judgments that have the potential to backfire on oneself is discussed.

Leo concludes by emphasizing the transformative power of consistent personal development work over time.

Transcripts

hey this is Leo for actualised org and

in this episode I'm going to talk about

how to stop judging yourself and I'm

going to show you a powerful exercise to

help you do exactly this I feel a bit of

a cold coming on so bear with me as I

try to push through it anyways on to the

main topic judgments judgments judgments

judgments the problem with judgments is

that judgments are poisoning your life

and as usual which should now be

becoming an apparent theme through all

the actualized auteur content is that

you're usually not aware of how this

mechanism works you're not aware of how

judgments backfire on you how when you

judge others in a sense you're also

judging yourself at the same time and in

fact that's the profound insight that I

want to hammer home at you today is just

this one simple idea that judgments that

you make about others always apply to

you and it doesn't seem this way at

first so what I want to do is I want to

illustrate this point with assortment of

examples common examples that I think

that a lot of us have run into but the

idea is very simple every time you make

a judgment about somebody else their

physical appearance or their behavior or

their belief systems or anything else

you're basically also judging yourself

at the same time and you're making life

for you very difficult in the future so

how does this work well let's take

example number one which is judging fat

people maybe you're one of these people

that actually values his or her health

and so you go to the gym and you work

out and eat healthy okay but then you

judge fat people as they're walking down

the street maybe you see a really obese

person you're like oh man that's just a

fat slob right there and made

even sometimes you and your friends kind

of laugh at this fat person because you

are all into fitness stuff and you're

all into eating healthy and go to the

gym and working out real hard okay fair

enough but here's the problem with this

you might wonder well Leo how does this

backfire on me

I mean I'm fit I have a good well toned

body and I take care of my health so

it's not backfiring on me right

I mean I'm vigilant about my health

except it does backfire on you let's

just take one example let's say you go

to your parents over the holidays and

you go to visit them for Thanksgiving

and Christmas and it's a big feast and

everyone's eating over there and stuff

like that right turkey mashed potatoes

everything the whole works so what

happens well you start to indulge that a

little bit you fall off your healthy

diet for a while and you start to put on

maybe an inch or two around your waist

all of a sudden your belts get a little

tight you have to loosen up the notch by

one okay but what happens it's not just

that that happens the problem with that

is that you now start to feel guilty to

feel bad why do you feel bad you feel a

little bit of shameful why because

you've been judging fat people for years

and now of course you're not fat but

even as you begin to even just creep

towards fatness you just put on an extra

inch or two of fat all the sudden you

get neurotic about it

you shouldn't going crazy about it it

drives you nuts right now all the sudden

it's like okay I gotta get back into the

gym hit it really hard

got a brow beat myself got a flagellate

myself to stay healthy and fit and so

your whole fitness routine then becomes

this kind of like avoidance and escape

of coming under the under the effect of

your own past judgments around fat

people which is the terrible source of

motivation for going to the gym so

that's one example right one example and

that's just one facet of how this could

manifest some time in the future let's

say you get a girlfriend and now your

girlfriend she starts to put on a few

pounds this is years later but see you

can't help the fact that you've been

judging fat people so now she's putting

on weight

you start to see her as fat now all the

sudden starts to bother you such to

worry you you want to tell her but you

don't want to offend her what do you do

creates a whole problem for you right

maybe you break up with her because of

that

maybe creates a huge argument for you

guys and it's just like a a simple

little thing I'm not saying that she

just you know turned into a way and all

of a sudden I'm saying she just put on a

few pounds but it still bothers you and

you don't know how to deal with it

effectively so that's example number one

here's another example that I want to

cite in this one's for the ladies ladies

love to do this what ladies love to do

is they love to judge other hot ladies

so if your lady no I'm talking about you

have a friend or a friend of a friend or

some girl that you've seen that's really

hot and what you do or you know if you

see your guy looking at a hot girl in

your mind what you do is you call that

hot girl you call her a hot [ __ ] she's

not just a girl she's not a lady she's a

[ __ ] she's a [ __ ] she's a little skank

right because she's that model looking

type she's probably a skank your thing

in yourself so this is how you judge

these types of women and maybe you've

been judging these types of women ever

since your mother was judging these

types of women when you were just a

teenager still back in middle school or

in high school and she told you don't be

a [ __ ] like those girls on the magazines

or those girls in the movies and so of

course now you judge the way your mother

judged and so the problem with this

though you might say well leo I'm not a

[ __ ] so what's the problem here's the

problem is that let's say now you find

yourself a new boyfriend and you're

you're in love with him and everything

is going great and now you're in the

bedroom with them right and you're gonna

have sex but now you're feeling guilty

and conflicted and repressed in the

bedroom

you can't orgasm properly you can't have

multiple orgasms why not well because

and then it's just one factor but one

factor could be that the reason you

can't is because you've been so

judgmental about other people having sex

that when it comes to you having sex now

you feel in congruence

if you fully let yourself go so of

course you do still have sex but the

kind of sex you have is is kind of like

lame mechanical sex not the really good

kind of sex and maybe you don't orgasm

or if you orgasm you have a weak single

orgasm you don't multiple orgasm you

don't have wild crazy orgasms like you

could and you're in conflict with

yourself you feel guilty you're not able

to kind of like let yourself go the way

you should the way you want to why

because you've been judging other people

your whole life for doing that and now

your self-image because your self-image

needs to maintain integrity it needs to

apply the same rules that you used on

others to yourself and now is when it

comes back to bite you in the ass

another example have you ever rushed

have you ever judged rich people like

you see somebody driving a Mercedes or a

Ferrari or something down the street or

sitting there in a restaurant fancy

restaurant with the Rolex as you're

walking by on the street corner and you

think yourself ah man that's such a rich

douchebag look at that rich douchebag

sitting there eating his rich lunch with

his rich girlfriend and his rich car and

his rich Rolex watch and all this stupid

stuff he I bet you he's a some Wall

Street broker type of guy who swindled

some old grand lady out of her

retirement savings and now he's sitting

there and he's wining and dining his

girlfriend on that money so you come up

with that kind of story right and you do

that over and over over again maybe you

grew up in kind of a middle-class family

where your parents made these kind of

judgments about rich people and they

told you the hey rich people don't care

about middle-class people they don't

care about poor people they step on

people they use us and of course that

that kind of judgmental attitude was

also reinforced by your friends who are

also probably lower middle class and so

now you're an adult and here's where it

backfires on you now maybe you're

thinking about starting your own

business or maybe you already have a

business and now your business starts

doing goods or to earn a lot of money

but of course now there's this in

congruence within you because you're

starting to become rich just like those

people

but your mind didn't make the space for

a nice rich person it automatically

classified all rich people as douchebags

and so now you're falling under your own

judgment and it might go to the point

where now you you actually sabotage your

own business or maybe if you consider

going to business then you let go of

that dream you say yeah you know what if

I went into business I would just be one

of those rich douchebags so even if I

succeeded I would basically be a failure

and my parents wouldn't really respect

me because I'd just be like one of those

rich douchebags

here's the thing you gotta understand

about this is that this happens all very

subconsciously you're not aware this is

happening it's not clear to you in your

mind that when you sabotage your own

business or you sabotage your own

relationship or your sabotage your own

gym routine or something like this that

this is coming from a judgment that you

made five ten twenty years earlier that

connection isn't made clear so you know

you got to do the dot connect and got to

connect all the dots that start to see

this stuff it's very subtle it can be

let me give you another example how

about the judging newbies I love this

example maybe you're at the gym with

your friends and you guys have been

going to the gym for the last ten years

and you're all experts you've studied

all the fitness routines you know

exactly which exercises to do and all

the right fitness moves and stuff right

but then after the new year's crowd

comes in every January these are all you

know fresh greenhorns who've never been

to the gym before and of course what do

you do if you're a regular gym goer

you're laughing and snickering and

you're ridiculing with your buddies all

the newbies that come through the door

and get on the treadmill or they start

doing some stupid exercise routine that

you think is ridiculous

that is completely against all the you

know all the rules and all the norms and

they don't know which weights to use or

how to use them properly so as they're

doing that you and your guys your

buddies are watching you're watching

this newbie doing this thing is newbie

thing and you're watching him kind of

like fail and self-destruct but you're

laughing and ridicule

but actually what you're doing as you're

laughing in ridiculing is you're judging

him now how does this come back to bite

you in the ass well let's say you want

to go learn some new hobby like you want

to take up golf and you you're totally

new to golf so now you're going to go

golfing and swing at the driving range

so you go there you think I'm going to

be all cool you pull out your club and

you swing and guess what you make a fool

of yourself because you miss you can't

even hit the ball on your first swing

and you suddenly feel very very stupid

and you feel very very self-conscious

because you're standing there and you're

feeling like all the expert golfers all

the pros are standing around you and

they're watching you and they're

laughing at you now maybe they aren't or

maybe they are but the fact is that

you're very self conscious about it and

in fact what might happen is that you go

for a week to the driving range and each

time you're so frustrated with how poor

you're doing and you feel like you're a

total noob and that you look ridiculous

that a week later you just quit the

whole thing you say you know what that

golf thing is just so stupid it's for

rich people anyways screw that golf

stuff I'm just going to go back to the

gym and stick to what I know how to do

best and so in this way you deny

yourself some new opportunity in life

and you know golf business relationship

does matter what it is right this new be

judging is a it's a really good example

you see it all over the internet too you

see people doing this because you know

it's really easy to judge newbies really

easy to to criticize them laugh at them

at their expense

but then inevitably comes back to bite

you now those are some examples of like

negative judgments I want to give you an

example of positive judgment because not

all judgments are seemingly negative you

might wonder well leo is it okay to make

positive judgments it's still a problem

here's why let's say you have a guy at

the office who you perceive as being

really charismatic and charming and just

flirtatious and he's funny and he's got

a great sense of humor really outgoing

and extroverted and so you you see this

guy you're really you know attracted by

his personality like oh man this guy's

amazing you're amazing

and now you start to feel like you're

inadequate because you judged him is

being up here and you judge yourself as

being down here maybe you're a little

bit more shy reserved more introverted

and you want to feel like you're more

extroverted and more charming and you

don't know like you you don't know how

to develop that sense of humor that he

has it seems so effortless for him and

so now what happens is that you're five

years later after you've made this

judgment of him being such a charming

great person is you're still interacting

with other people in your office or in a

different company now or wherever and

you're still feeling inadequate because

you're comparing yourself to him the

judgment you created back to them is

still being applied to you now in a

sense judging is like creating a law or

a rule which then your mind stores and

then that law or rule of course gets

applied to all future situations because

your mind tries to stay consistent tries

to maintain integrity with itself so if

you judge a fat person here then if you

ever become fat you're going to be

judging yourself if you judge a [ __ ]

person over there if you ever do

anything [ __ ] you're gonna be judging

yourself if you judge rich people

anytime you make a little extra money

you're gonna be judging yourself you're

going to feel guilt you're going to feel

shame you're going to feel inadequacy or

some other kind of like low

consciousness nasty type of emotion um

another good example that I like is

those panhandlers on the street you ever

see some of those bums those dirty bums

on the street it's really easy to judge

those guys right so they're standing on

the street begging you for a quarter and

of course you know sometimes you give

them a quarter but sometimes you don't

and in fact you say something like man

look at this guy why doesn't he just

like clean himself up and go get a job

at McDonald's at least he could earn

more money than just standing here like

a pathetic slob

I bet this guy's lazy he's such a lazy

bum and then every time you see a bum

you call him lazy now five years later

it backfires

you how does it backfire you because

let's say you're working on some project

in your business and maybe your partner

tells you hey man you've been slacking

you're lazy and all of a sudden now you

start to get kind of frantic and

neurotic and even though you're working

50 or 60 hours a week just because your

business partner called you lazy you

didn't take it as a joke you actually

took it seriously and now you're like

well [ __ ] I should work even harder he's

right I should work 80 hours a week and

so what you do is you kill yourself for

the next three years working 80 hours a

week burn yourself out make yourself

sick deny yourself the other pleasures

of life estranged yourself from your

family and maybe your relationship goes

bad maybe your marriage gets a divorce

and and all of that simply because you

were reacting against your judgment of

not wanting to be lazy because you call

those people lazy and of course that's a

rule that you created in your mind which

said lazy is bad which of course means

at any time I get even close to lazy or

I even inch my way towards lazy I'm all

the sudden bad creates a lot of problems

and the last example I want to give you

is the the unloving mother example which

is a really great one that I love let's

say that in this example you're the

woman and you were a girl and you grew

up with a mother that didn't give you a

lot of affection criticize you all the

time wasn't loving enough and this

really hurt you and had a really kind of

like troublesome teenage years and

because you feel like you weren't

getting enough love so you judge that is

bad and then you told yourself you know

what when I have kids I'm going to be

the most loving mother ever because my

mother was a selfish [ __ ] and I'm not

going to be that way with my kids and

that seems like a very positive rule to

make in your mind right be be more

loving be more selfless how great is

that what could possibly go wrong

well except twenty years later when you

do have your own kids what happens well

now you need to play that role of the

selfless mother

and so now you sacrifice yourself for

your kids your kids walk all over you

you do everything for your kids you

don't take any time for yourself you

don't take care of your health you don't

take care of your psychological needs so

you grow fat and you go psychologically

neurotic slowly over the years as you're

sacrificing yourself to your kids and

your kids become more and more

ungrateful little brats and then the

same thing now happens with your husband

as well and your whole family situation

just goes to hell and maybe eventually

you get a divorce and you grow sick with

cancer why does all this happen well I'm

not saying this is the only cause but

one possible cause for why something

like this would happen is because you

set down this law very early in your

childhood that told you I will never be

selfish like my mother I will never be

unloving like her even though you know

what sometimes it's okay to be selfish

sometimes you need that sometimes you

need to take a vacation

sometimes you need to do something for

yourself at the expense of your kids and

that can be normal and healthy but you

don't allow yourself to do that because

you've just been so harsh and judgmental

on your mother about that and for you

now to go back on your old promises and

your old laws and rules well that means

you have to change how your whole mind

works and notice that in this example

you would not be aware of how all this

stuff is happening you'd be having

problems in your family and with your

kids but you wouldn't know why it's

happening you would never connect the

dots all the way back to some innocent

seeming little judgment that you made 20

years ago so just notice how subtle it

can be those are just some examples it's

just the tip of the iceberg I just

wanted to use these examples to kind of

get your mind jogging and to start to

connect the dots in your own life for

you these examples might be totally

different than what I talked about here

yet kind of creative sort of thinking

how is this working in my life

fundamentally the problem here in all

these examples is that your disowning a

part of reality you're creating

rigid rules by which now you have to

live and whenever you break one of these

rules and these rules by the way they're

very arbitrary totally arbitrary that

now you feel like well [ __ ] I can't

break these we'll have to live by all

these have to jump through all these

hoops I have to be the perfect person I

just a consistent with all my past

judgments I can't admit that I was wrong

and so because of this you block off a

lot of avenues within reality now you

can't take a vacation now you can't be a

little bit lazy now you can't be rich

now you can't be a newbie at something

now you can't be sexual now you can't

gain a little bit of weight and so on

and so on and so on and what this does

is it makes you inflexible in life

you're not able to flow with the

circumstances of life you're not able to

be spontaneous in life and this creates

problems for you creates guilt creates

shame and largely you don't know this is

going on it's just going on to you it

feels like man my life feels miserable

why do I feel guilty all the time why do

I feel shameful all the time why do I

feel unsatisfied all the time why do I

feel like I can't do anything right all

the time why do I keep self sabotaging

every relationship every new business

every new hobby that I start just

doesn't seem to work for me well maybe

it's because you made some judgments

that are holding you back

and that just backfired on you again and

again and again here's one of my

personal biggest insights that I've had

this year from doing a lot of

enlightenment work and consciousness

work in workshops one of the biggest

insights I had was this was that the

reason that I've been a people pleaser

for most of my life until recently is

because and I trace this back into my

past is I recognize that oh I used to

judge my dad for being inconsiderate

towards other people what I perceive it

and consider it and I kind of thought of

him as a jerk and I said to myself you

know what when I grow up I don't want to

be that kind of man I don't want to be

the church I don't want to be the

inconsiderate

I want to be the kind the nice one and

so that sealed my fate now whenever I

interacted with people for decades after

making that judgment I would always try

to be the nice one because I would

subconsciously be running away from that

negative ideal that my dad said and I

didn't just judge my dad as being

inconsiderate so judge other people's

being inconsiderate so it was a

combination of various judgments but

basically that created this kind of a

people-pleasing personality profile for

me and it just kind of fired and fired

and fired I didn't know why it was

happening only years later after lots

and lots and lots of consciousness work

that I finally stumble upon by accident

this discovery that all of course I made

that judgment when I was really young

and it's hung around with me and stuck

around for four decades and I've been

paying the price and I didn't know what

was going on there because you know what

sometimes in life you got to be

inconsiderate you might wonder like well

Lee oh yeah of course you don't want to

be inconsiderate what's wrong with that

law what's wrong with that judgment but

the fact is that sometimes you are

inconsiderate in life sometimes you do

have to be a dick sometimes you can't

help it especially like in business or

in some kind of negotiation situation or

in a relationship where you have to

break off the relationship when you know

it's good for both of you to break it

off but you don't because you're just so

used to being a people pleaser and you

don't want to disappoint somebody or be

perceived as a jerk right you need that

flexibility and I deny that to myself so

that created some problems for me all

right so how do we get you to recognize

this kind of stuff for yourself

these kind of deep insights well I got a

great exercise for you which is actually

the exercise that I use to discover this

insight for myself so here it is you're

going to take out a couple sheets of

paper and a pen do that right now you're

going to do two things with this paper

and pen firstly you're going to write

out every single judgment that you've

ever made about other people you're

going to make a giant long list

it might be a hundred or 300 items on

this list second thing you're going to

do is you're going to write out every

judgment you ever made about yourself

and again this will be another list

separate list with another hundred to

three hundred different items there

could be a lot and the key as you're

doing this is that you want to do a kind

of a stream of consciousness where you

get in the flow and you just let pour

out of you might take you 30 minutes to

sit there and just let this list pour

out without any filtering so the most

evil vile harshest judgments you've ever

made write all those down it's very

important also make sure that you

include the positive judgments - not

just the negative ones so if you judge

somebody a dick you put that one on

there and if you judge someone a

princess you put that one on there and

then after you're done with both these

lists then what you can do is going to

put a star or a checkmark next to those

judgments on the list that you feel have

a strong potential to backfire on you or

to create neurotic patterns in your life

how do you know which ones to select

well they'll kind of just jump out at

you for example when I came up with the

judgment he's an inconsiderate dick it's

like oh yeah I know that I always behave

in a way where I try to minimize my own

inconsiderateness and if I ever think of

myself as inconsiderate and I really

feel bad and shameful oh that's an

important one all right so that's how

you can find out now what I want to do

is I want to actually demonstrate for

you how this exercise works because it's

a little shocking when you hear it and

you see a done in person so what I'm

going to do is I've got my timer here

and I have it set for five minutes I'm

going to set this timer and I'm going to

give you the first list which is all the

judgments that I've ever made about

other people and you're going to hear me

go into a stream of consciousness and

I'm just going to not filter myself at

all and just talk for five minutes

straight and say whatever comes up to my

mind for these judgments alright let's

begin I got five minutes on the clock go

alright

so every judgment that I've ever made

about other people [ __ ]

prick inconsiderate ungrateful thief

cheat ugly smelly disgusting foolish

beautiful attractive hot sexy handsome

cute adorable fat pig [ __ ]

hippie hipster douche bag

scumbag bastard [ __ ] deceitful criminal

neglectful cold violent uncaring

ignorant stupid low consciousness

neurotic dysfunctional crazy insane

weird odd not normal normal cool uncool

hip

rich poor lazy careless ignorant

dogmatic closed-minded religious

ideological rationalist myopic arrogant

egotistical selfish narcissistic

selfless caring kind loving humble

brilliant creative genius strong weak

skinny ugly teeth ugly face ugly nose

camel nose [ __ ] [ __ ] skank

player womanizer immature

juvenile ridiculous embarrassing

greedy corrupt shameful evil bad human

being disgusting human being I would

never [ __ ] that

humorous charming confident insecure

needy codependent nerd geek dweeb pale

pasty scrawny masculine feminine girly

manly hairy okay so that was my first

list now I'm going to do the second list

which is all the judgments that I've

ever made about myself again completely

unfiltered whatever comes to mind five

minutes on the clock go right every

judgment I've ever made about myself

mmm arrogant egotistical humble reserved

introverted extroverted tall skinny

lanky effeminate masculine assertive

lacking assertiveness indecisive smart

intelligent wise wise beyond my years

creative artistic brilliant inadequate

less than others shy lacking confidence

lacking assertiveness people pleaser

pushover ball

old ugly funny teeth

bucktooth big nose small dick fat skinny

handsome nice eyes

effeminate not manly enough not

masculine enough grounded secure also

insecure ambitious hardworking

disciplined lazy successful upper

middle-class cheat thief liar honest

truthful coward

good student kind caring player jerk

[ __ ]

mean and consider it manipulative

scheming plotting disloyal inauthentic

also authentic small jaw wannabe

humorous bad sense of humor awkward

weird above-average superior better than

other people right

good bad

just workaholic non-drinker smug

condescending intellectual nerdy

different exceptional

hard-working neurotic hypocritical

complex deep racist womanizer

alright that was my second list

so hopefully that opened your eyes to

the possibilities here I want you to

create the same exact kind of list

except your list is not going to be

limited to five minutes but it's going

to be much longer

get everything out of your system all

right get it all out of your system no

filters this is not the time to be nice

or polite or politically correct so

that's your exercise that's your

assignment now to just recap this topic

we started off asking the question how

do you stop judging yourself well one

way that you stop judging yourself is

basically this is the answer in a

nutshell is that you stop judging other

people

you cannot stop judging yourself if you

continue to judge other people hopefully

you can now see the dynamic where this

is a double-edged sword it cuts both

ways

it cuts forward and it cuts backwards so

be very careful and you might wonder

well how do I stop judging other people

leo and here's my answer to that first

of all be mindful of how you judge other

people judgments are usually much more

subtle than we think it's usually not as

black and white as oh she's fat or oh

he's an [ __ ] I mean those are very

obvious also be very mindful of the

jokes you make with your friends with

your circle of friends how you like to

make jokes about others at the expense

of others and in that case you're

judging them be very careful about that

just be more mindful of how often you do

judge people you do it a lot more often

than you think

and this takes a period of increased

aware and start to see this also be more

mindful of how you're done your

judgments are damaging you so you can

see how they're damaging other people

but then see the second side of the

blade pointing back at you right when

you slice with it so this is what we

mean by double edged sword so notice for

example that when you judge fat people

that makes you insecure about your own

weight notice that when you judge rich

people that creates a problem for you

with money notice that when you judge

money people that creates a problem for

you in the bedroom with sexuality notice

these things right notice the actual

limits kind of the cage that you

construct around yourself notice that

again that takes a period of mindfulness

takes a while to see that and you know

to jumpstart you and to help you to do

that right now do the exercise create

both of these lists

sit down really think about it after you

do the exercise which you'll notice for

the next week or so you'll be walking

around town with your friends and all

this kind of stuff you're going to be

more mindful automatically to the

different judgments you make and then

you can go deeper with it and you can

take a look at those judgments that you

put a star next to the ones that already

you know are backfiring on you and you

can work on those even deeper and I

don't really have time to go into that

I'll probably cover that in some other

episode but that's it for now so

practice the mindfulness see what's

really going on how you're using these

judgments against yourself and do this

exercise alright that's it I'm signing

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doing this work on a weekly basis doing

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taking the action steps I tell you to do

learning the theory that I share with

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