Celeste Headlee: 10 ways to have a better conversation | TED

Summary

The speaker addresses the issue of conversational polarization in society, highlighting how technology and a lack of interpersonal communication skills contribute to this divide. Drawing from her experience as a professional interviewer, she offers ten rules to improve conversational skills, emphasizing the importance of active listening, asking open-ended questions, and not equating personal experiences with others. The goal is to foster meaningful dialogues that can bridge gaps and lead to a more connected and understanding society.

Takeaways

• 😶 'We are more polarized and divided than ever in history' - The speaker highlights the current state of society where conversations can easily turn into arguments due to strong personal beliefs.
• 📱 'Technology plays a role in our lack of conversational skills' - The reliance on devices and texting over face-to-face communication has diminished our ability to engage in meaningful dialogues.
• 👥 'Conversational competence is an overlooked skill' - The speaker emphasizes the importance of learning how to communicate effectively, a skill often not taught in schools.
• 🤔 'Conversations require a balance between talking and listening' - The speaker points out that we've lost the balance in our conversations, often favoring talking over listening.
• 🙅‍♂️ 'Don't multitask during conversations' - Being fully present and not thinking about unrelated matters is crucial for effective communication.
• 📢 'Avoid pontificating; be open to learning' - The speaker advises against stating opinions without allowing for discussion or the possibility of learning from others.
• 🤷‍♂️ 'Use open-ended questions to foster deeper responses' - Asking questions that start with who, what, when, where, why, or how encourages more thoughtful and detailed answers.
• 🌊 'Go with the flow of the conversation' - Thoughts will come and go; it's important not to get sidetracked by unrelated questions or stories.
• 🤷‍♀️ 'Admit when you don't know something' - It's better to be cautious and admit ignorance rather than pretending to know something you don't.
• 🔗 'Don't equate your experiences with others' - Each person's experiences are unique, and it's important not to make comparisons or turn conversations into a competition of personal stories.
• 🔄 'Avoid repeating yourself to avoid being condescending and boring' - The speaker warns against rephrasing the same point repeatedly, which can be off-putting.
• 🌿 'Stay out of the weeds of unnecessary details' - Focus on the person and the connection, not on the intricate details that others may not care about.
• 👂 'Listening is the most important skill in a conversation' - The speaker stresses the importance of truly listening to understand, rather than just waiting for a turn to speak.
• 🕊️ 'Be brief and be interested in others' - The final rule is to keep conversations concise and show genuine interest in what others have to say, which can lead to discovering amazing things about people.

Q & A

What is the main issue discussed in the transcript?

The main issue discussed is the decline in the quality of conversations due to polarization and the impact of technology, leading to a lack of listening and understanding in our interactions.

Why did the speaker mention Henry Higgins from 'My Fair Lady'?

Henry Higgins was mentioned to illustrate the traditional advice for polite conversation, which has become insufficient in today's polarized society where even topics like weather and health are contentious.

According to the speaker, what is the current state of division among Americans as per the Pew Research study?

The study found that Americans are more polarized and divided than ever in history, with a decreased likelihood of compromise and listening to one another.

What is the role of technology in the decline of conversational skills as discussed in the transcript?

Technology, particularly smartphones, has contributed to the decline by promoting texting over face-to-face conversations, leading to a lack of development in interpersonal communication skills.

What is the author's view on the importance of conversational competence in the 21st century?

The author believes that conversational competence might be the most overlooked yet crucial skill, as it is essential for sustaining coherent and confident conversations in various aspects of life.

What is the speaker's profession and how does it relate to the topic of conversation?

The speaker is a professional interviewer who talks to a wide range of people, and they use the same skills in their professional life as in regular conversations, which is the focus of the talk.

What are the ten basic rules the speaker suggests for better conversations?

The ten rules are: 1) Don't multitask, 2) Don't pontificate, 3) Use open-ended questions, 4) Go with the flow, 5) Say that you don't know if you don't know, 6) Don't equate your experience with theirs, 7) Try not to repeat yourself, 8) Stay out of the weeds, 9) Listen, and 10) Be brief and be interested in other people.

Why is it important not to equate one's own experience with someone else's in a conversation?

It's important because all experiences are individual and unique. Equating experiences can come off as condescending and detracts from the speaker's unique perspective and story.

Why should one avoid repeating themselves in a conversation?

Repeating oneself can be seen as condescending and boring. It shows a lack of listening and an attempt to dominate the conversation rather than engaging with the other person.

What does the speaker suggest is the most important skill in a conversation?

The speaker suggests that listening is the most important skill in a conversation, as it allows for understanding and learning from the other person.

What is the speaker's final advice on how to approach conversations with others?

The speaker advises to be prepared to be amazed by others, to keep one's mouth shut as often as possible, and to keep an open mind to learn from every interaction.