How Praise Can Damage Your Child's Confidence
Summary
TLDRThis video highlights the importance of how we praise our children, emphasizing that praising intelligence can lead to fear of failure, while praising effort encourages resilience and a love for challenges. Based on Carol Dweck's research, it explains that children praised for effort tend to tackle harder tasks and persevere, while those praised for intelligence may shy away from challenges. The video offers practical tips on praising children for their strategies, creativity, and persistence, fostering growth and confidence. It also touches on managing toddler emotions and building resilience through evidence-based parenting advice.
Takeaways
- 👶 Praising children for being smart can set an unrealistic expectation and pressure them to maintain a perfect image.
- 🤔 Children praised for their intelligence may avoid challenging tasks to prevent failure and maintain their 'smart' label.
- 🎓 Praising effort encourages children to take on harder challenges, as seen in studies by Carol Dweck and her colleagues.
- 📊 Kids praised for effort tend to enjoy challenges more, persist longer, and perform better in later tasks compared to those praised for intelligence.
- 📉 Children who were praised for their intelligence showed a 20% drop in scores after facing a difficult task, while effort-praised kids improved by 30%.
- 🚫 Praising intelligence can lead children to fear mistakes, avoid challenges, and hide their errors to protect their 'smart' image.
- 🧠 Focus praise on effort, persistence, creativity, and specific achievements to foster a growth mindset.
- 🌱 Encouraging effort helps children develop resilience, face challenges, and understand that mistakes are part of learning.
- 🧒 Use simple, clear language when praising young children to ensure they understand and connect with the message.
- 📚 A communication milestone chart can help parents know what language skills to expect from their children at different ages, aiding effective praise.
Q & A
Why can praising a child for their intelligence be detrimental?
-Praising a child for their intelligence can create pressure for them to maintain a 'smart' label, leading them to avoid challenging tasks to prevent failure and potential disappointment.
How does praising effort differ from praising intelligence?
-Praising effort encourages children to embrace challenges and persist through difficulties, while praising intelligence often leads them to avoid challenges to protect their 'smart' image.
What was the outcome of Carol Dweck's study on fifth graders and praise?
-Dweck's study found that children praised for intelligence were more likely to choose easier tasks, while those praised for effort were more willing to take on challenging tasks and persisted longer during difficult tests.
How did the children’s performance change after being praised for intelligence or effort?
-Children praised for intelligence saw their test scores drop by 20% after a challenging test, while those praised for effort had their scores improve by 30%.
Why do children praised for intelligence avoid challenging tasks?
-Children praised for intelligence fear that failing a challenging task could lead to losing their 'smart' label, making them more likely to avoid difficult situations to protect their image.
What type of praise helps children develop resilience?
-Praising effort, persistence, and specific actions helps children develop resilience by encouraging them to embrace challenges and learn from mistakes.
What should parents focus on when praising their child?
-Parents should focus on praising specific actions, efforts, and achievements, such as problem-solving approaches or persistence, rather than intelligence or talent.
How does avoiding tougher tasks limit a child's development?
-Avoiding tougher tasks prevents children from stretching their abilities, learning new skills, and developing resilience, which are essential for growth and development.
What is a better alternative to saying 'You're smart'?
-A better alternative is to praise specific actions or efforts, such as 'You worked really hard to solve that problem' or 'I noticed you found a creative way to reach your toy.'
What is the significance of using age-appropriate language when praising toddlers?
-Using age-appropriate language ensures that toddlers can understand the praise, making it more meaningful and helping them recognize their efforts or achievements.
Outlines
🧠 The Risks of Praising Intelligence
This paragraph discusses how parents frequently praise their children for being smart, clever, or talented. While intended to boost confidence, such praise may have unintended negative consequences. When children hear these compliments, they internalize that their parents’ love and approval are based on their intelligence, which creates pressure to always meet those high expectations. As a result, they avoid challenging tasks for fear of failure, ultimately hindering their growth and development. Psychologist Carol Dweck’s study with fifth graders revealed that children praised for their intelligence tend to choose easier tasks to protect their 'smart' label, while those praised for effort were more willing to embrace challenges. The difference in how these children handled challenging situations demonstrates the value of effort-based praise over intelligence-based praise.
💪 Emphasizing Effort Over Talent
This paragraph emphasizes the importance of praising children for their effort and approach rather than their intelligence or talent. Parents should focus on specific actions that children can control and improve, such as their creativity, persistence, or specific achievements. For example, acknowledging how a child solved a problem creatively or recognizing their hard work will foster a growth mindset, encouraging them to embrace challenges. Using simple and age-appropriate language when praising children is key to ensuring they understand and feel empowered. Additionally, the paragraph introduces a free communication milestone chart that can help parents track their child’s language development.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Praise
💡Effort
💡Intelligence praise
💡Effort praise
💡Growth mindset
💡Challenge
💡Resilience
💡Fixed mindset
💡Carol Dweck
💡Persistence
Highlights
Praising children for intelligence sets a high bar that can lead to fear of failure and avoiding challenges.
Carol Dweck's study showed that children praised for intelligence are more likely to choose easier tasks.
In contrast, children praised for effort are more likely to opt for challenging tasks and persevere.
Children praised for effort scored 30% higher on subsequent tests, while those praised for intelligence scored 20% lower.
Praising intelligence makes children more likely to avoid difficult tasks and feel frustrated when they struggle.
Focusing on effort praise helps children embrace challenges and see mistakes as part of the learning process.
Effort praise encourages resilience and confidence, leading to more persistence in the face of difficulty.
Specific praise on actions or approaches helps children recognize what they did well and what to aim for next.
Avoid vague praise like 'you're smart' and instead focus on specific achievements or methods used by the child.
Praising effort over intelligence helps children develop a growth mindset, understanding that abilities improve through practice.
Parents should use simple, clear language when praising toddlers, ensuring they understand the feedback.
Praising the child’s creative solutions or persistence can help them feel proud of their approach rather than just the outcome.
By reinforcing that mistakes are part of learning, parents can help children feel brave enough to try new things.
Understanding a child's communication milestones can help tailor praise to their language skills.
Managing toddler emotions and tantrums requires evidence-based approaches, as highlighted in a separate video.
Transcripts
Wow, you're so clever! What a little genius! Perfect job! You're such a natural!
As parents we often find ourselves showering our toddlers with these praises.
We think they boost our little ones confidence, inspiring them to explore and
help them shine as they grow. However, when they hear this they think, "Mummy and
Daddy love me because I'm smart, brilliant or talented!" And this is where
those well-meaning words of praise can be detrimental. Now we'll talk about why
that is and make sure you do stick around to the end where we will talk
about what you can do instead. So praising your child on their intelligence
sets an incredibly high bar for them. One they feel they might not always meet. And
since no child wants to lose their parents admiration, when they are faced
with a task that they perceive as challenging they think, "What if I fail
and disappoint them?" So instead of tackling the challenge they back off.
They don't want to risk failing or looking bad. And as a result they avoid
those challenging tasks choosing easier ones to ensure that they maintain that
perfect image. Carol Dweck, a renowned psychologist and her colleagues actually
demonstrated this in a study with fifth graders. They had the children take a
basic test and then they praised them. Some were complimented on their
intelligence and told, "You must be smart at this". While others were complimented
on their effort and told, "You must have worked really hard".
After this praise, the children were then offered a choice.
They could do an easy task or a challenging one.
This is where things got interesting.
A whopping 67% of those praised for being smart actually picked the easier test, not
wanting to risk their smart label.
In contrast, 92% of those praised for effort opted for the harder task, eager to try.
After completing this second test, all the children were given a super tough one, which
was designed to stump them.
When completing this test, those that were praised for their effort persisted longer
and seemed to enjoy the challenge more.
Whereas, the children praised for being smart actually became frustrated with the test and
had a tendency to give up early.
After this tricky test, another test was given which was similar to the first test they completed
in regards to level of difficulty.
And the results from this test were really surprising.
The average scores of the children who were praised for their intelligence actually dropped
by 20%. But the "effort praise" group, their average scores surged by nearly 30%.
These findings suggest that when we praise our children for their intelligence, we're
telling them that is the name of the game.
Look smart and don't risk making mistakes.
To them, a single mistake could make them feel inadequate, thinking "If I mess up,
does that mean I'm not smart?"
And as a result they become more cautious.
They avoid challenges and they crumble
when they hit difficulties.
They're also more likely to hide their mistakes.
All to protect their 'smart' or 'perfect' image.
But by avoiding tougher tasks,
your toddler misses out on the opportunity
to grow and develop.
They won't get the chance to stretch their abilities
or learn new skills,
simply because they choose to stick to what's familiar.
Now this is not to say
that you shouldn't praise your little one.
You should.
But when you do, focus on specifics
and things that they can clearly change.
So instead of telling your child
that they're smart or talented,
you can compliment their approach.
For example, you might say,
"I noticed you struggled to reach your toys,
but you got creative with that stool!"
Or you could celebrate their specific achievements.
"Look at you, you put your shirt on all by yourself!"
Or "Your drawing has so many bright colors!"
Or you could acknowledge their persistence or effort.
"I can see you've been practicing your jumping. Every day you're jumping a little
higher. Keep going!" or "You've worked really hard to build that block tower."
Now when you are praising your little one make sure you use language that
they're likely to understand. As parents we often slip into using adult language
without even realizing it and we think we're being clear but to a little one
it's like listening to a foreign language. So to help you know what words
are best to use with your child it's helpful to understand what you can
expect in regards to their language skills. And that's exactly what I've
created in the communication milestone chart. It's a free guide that shows you
what language skills you can expect at each age from one all the way up to four
years of age. And to get your free copy just click the link in the description
below this video. When you praise your little one on the effort they applied,
the techniques they used, or the specific achievements, they start to recognize
what they did well and what to aim for next time. And this kind of encouragement
also makes them feel brave enough to try new things knowing that it's okay if
they don't get it right away. They'll start to see that slip ups are just a
part of learning. It doesn't mean that they're not clever or capable, it's just
something new they haven't yet mastered. And instead of thinking "What if I can't
do it, my mum or dad won't think I'm smart" they'll start to believe "I should
just keep trying and I'll get it eventually". By teaching them that it's
okay to try and try again you're helping to build their confidence and resilience.
So even when things get a little bit tricky,
they won't give up.
They'll keep going, learning and growing,
ready to face the next fun challenge.
As well as encouraging our little ones
to take risks and make mistakes,
as parents we also have a vital role
of helping our kids manage big emotions,
particularly the overwhelming feelings
that often lead to tantrums and meltdowns.
While there's no shortage of advice
on how to manage these high emotion moments,
it's crucial to rely on information
grounded in real evidence.
And that's where this video comes in.
In it, I'll debunk a popular but ineffective piece of advice
that parents often hear regarding toddler tantrums.
You'll learn the brain science behind
why this advice doesn't really work,
and moreover, you'll come to understand
why tantrums and meltdowns happen in the first place,
and why it's often not your toddler's fault.
So make sure you check it out.
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