When The Fearful Avoidant Realizes They Lost You: Emotional Reactions & Breakup Coping
Summary
TLDRThe video explains how individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style handle breakups, often oscillating between anxious and avoidant tendencies. Initially, they may distance themselves, numb their emotions, and self-soothe, but after a few weeks of no contact, they typically experience regret, curiosity, and anxiety. The video highlights the importance of working through core wounds before reconnecting with an ex to avoid repeating negative patterns. It also provides insights into the timeline of emotional shifts and suggests open communication, better boundaries, and personal growth for successful reconnection.
Takeaways
- π **Fearful Avoidants (FAs) have both anxious and avoidant sides**: Their behavior in relationships can switch depending on external factors and internal core wounds.
- βοΈ **Balance between Anxious and Avoidant Sides**: Their responses to partners varyβif they feel suffocated, they lean into their avoidant side, and if they feel neglected, they become more anxious.
- π΅ **Initial Response to Breakups**: After a breakup, FAs typically move into their avoidant side, convincing themselves that the relationship was not right for them.
- π« **Numbing Out**: FAs often numb their emotions using external distractions (e.g., partying, drinking, or other habits) as a way to self-soothe.
- π **3-6 Week Deactivation Period**: In the first 3 to 6 weeks post-breakup, FAs usually shut down emotionally and disconnect from their feelings.
- π **Transition to Anxiety**: After the deactivation phase, if thereβs no contact, they may swing to their anxious side, experiencing regret, curiosity, and self-blame.
- π°οΈ **Activation Phase (6 Weeks to 4 Months)**: FAs enter a period where they might become more open to reconnection, but this is dependent on whether the ex reaches out or not.
- π **Total Post-Breakup Timeline**: It usually takes FAs around 5 months post-breakup to start healing and gaining closure if no reconnection happens.
- β οΈ **Intermittent Reinforcement Issues**: Their inconsistent behaviors (loving one moment, distant the next) can create unhealthy dynamics for both parties.
- π§ **Reconnection Requires Change**: For successful reconnection, both parties must address past issues, establish better communication, and set healthy boundaries.
Q & A
What are the two sides of a Fearful Avoidant attachment style?
-Fearful Avoidants have both an anxious side and an avoidant side. These sides are triggered by external factors and core wounds, and they determine how a Fearful Avoidant behaves in a relationship.
What causes a Fearful Avoidant to lean more into their avoidant side?
-A Fearful Avoidant may lean into their avoidant side when they feel someone is becoming too codependent or enmeshed. This triggers core wounds related to feeling trapped, helpless, or betrayed, leading them to withdraw.
How does a Fearful Avoidant typically react after a breakup?
-After a breakup, a Fearful Avoidant usually enters their avoidant side, convincing themselves they don't need the person and using distractions like drinking or partying to numb their emotions. This phase typically lasts 3-6 weeks.
What happens to a Fearful Avoidant after the initial 3-6 week period of deactivation?
-After the 3-6 week deactivation period, if thereβs no contact from their ex, the Fearful Avoidant often shifts into their anxious side, where they may feel regret, curiosity, self-blame, and wonder if they made a mistake.
What can prevent a Fearful Avoidant from reaching out during the anxious phase after a breakup?
-Even during the anxious phase, Fearful Avoidants may still avoid reaching out due to their fear of vulnerability and their tendency to not express their emotions outwardly.
How long does the anxious phase typically last for a Fearful Avoidant?
-The anxious phase usually lasts between 6 weeks and 3-4 months, during which a Fearful Avoidant may start missing their ex and feeling conflicted about the breakup.
What is the ideal time to reconnect with a Fearful Avoidant after a breakup?
-The best time to reconnect with a Fearful Avoidant is after about 6 weeks of no contact. During this time, both individuals should work on themselves and reprogram their core wounds to prepare for a healthier dynamic.
What should be discussed if reconnecting with a Fearful Avoidant after a breakup?
-If reconnecting, it's important to have open conversations about what went wrong, set new boundaries, and ensure that both parties have worked on their issues to avoid repeating the same patterns.
What does a Fearful Avoidant typically want during the reconnection phase?
-During the reconnection phase, a Fearful Avoidant may want to act like they are in a relationship without committing to it. They may avoid commitment discussions to prevent feeling overwhelmed and returning to their avoidant side.
How does a Fearful Avoidant process the loss of a relationship long-term?
-After 5 months or so, if no reconnection happens, Fearful Avoidants typically move on and find closure. They work through their feelings and eventually transition into different relationships or friendships.
Outlines
π€ Understanding the Fearful Avoidant's Reaction to Breakups
The paragraph addresses how fearful avoidant attachment types react to breakups. It explains that they are a blend of anxious and avoidant behaviors, triggered by external factors and internal wounds, such as fears of being trapped, powerless, or abandoned. Fearful avoidants might oscillate between anxious and avoidant sides based on their partner's behavior. This dynamic causes difficulty in relationships as their attachment style creates inconsistent reactions, such as showing affection and then pulling away. After a breakup, they usually lean into their avoidant side, trying to self-soothe by convincing themselves the relationship wasn't right, while engaging in numbing behaviors like partying or drinking.
πΆ The Fearful Avoidant's Numbing Phase After Breakup
This paragraph explains how fearful avoidants typically go through a three to six-week period of emotional numbing post-breakup, where they deactivate their feelings and avoid processing the loss. If there is no contact with their ex during this phase, they may eventually shift to their anxious side, experiencing regret and curiosity about the breakup. This anxious phase, lasting six weeks to three or four months, can lead to feelings of self-blame and wondering if the breakup was a mistake. If contact is reinitiated, the fearful avoidant may shift back into avoidance, resetting this emotional cycle.
π Reconnecting with a Fearful Avoidant β Guidelines for Success
This section offers advice on reconnecting with a fearful avoidant after a breakup. It stresses the importance of not rushing back into the relationship without addressing underlying issues. Effective reconnection involves open communication, boundary-setting, and personal growth. The speaker advises waiting six weeks of no contact to allow both individuals to reflect on their needs, heal core wounds, and consider what changes are necessary for a successful reunion. The paragraph also highlights the importance of proper timing and momentum when reconnecting to avoid triggering the fearful avoidant's avoidant side.
β³ Timing and Progression in Reconnection Phases
This paragraph delves into the appropriate time frame for having meaningful discussions with a fearful avoidant after a breakup. The ideal period for these conversations is during the eight weeks after reconnection, following the initial six-week no-contact phase. The fearful avoidant may want to act like they're in a relationship during this period but may avoid discussions about commitment, which could reactivate their avoidance. Gradually building momentum and addressing previous communication and boundary issues is essential to ensuring a healthier relationship moving forward.
π Long-Term Feelings of Fearful Avoidants After a Breakup
The final paragraph focuses on the long-term feelings of fearful avoidants post-breakup. If no reconnection occurs, they often experience a phase of regret, although they are unlikely to express vulnerability or communicate their feelings. They typically go through six weeks of convincing themselves that they are better off, followed by a period of missing their ex. This phase can last about three to four months, after which they generally move on, heal, and form new relationships or friendships to meet their emotional needs.
π Resources and Additional Support for Fearful Avoidant Reconnection
In conclusion, the speaker offers additional resources for those trying to reconnect with a fearful avoidant. A course on reconnecting with different attachment styles is mentioned, along with a free 14-day trial. The speaker encourages viewers to take advantage of this offer to gain further insight into their relationship dynamics. The video ends with an invitation to subscribe for more content on attachment styles and personal growth in relationships.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Fearful Avoidant Attachment
π‘Core Wounds
π‘Avoidant Side
π‘Anxious Side
π‘Deactivation
π‘Reactivation
π‘Intermittent Reinforcement
π‘Self-Soothing
π‘No Contact
π‘Reprogramming
Highlights
Fearful avoidants have both an anxious and avoidant side, which is triggered by external factors and core wounds.
Fearful avoidants may like someone but become avoidant if they feel the relationship is moving too fast or is becoming codependent.
When a fearful avoidant is with someone more dismissive, they can become more anxious and triggered by abandonment wounds.
Fearful avoidants often move between their anxious and avoidant sides, creating intermittent reinforcement for their partner.
After a breakup, fearful avoidants typically enter a phase of deactivation, convincing themselves that they don't need the relationship.
During the deactivation phase, fearful avoidants may numb their feelings through distractions like drinking or partying.
A common deactivation period for fearful avoidants lasts about three to six weeks, during which they distance themselves emotionally.
After the deactivation phase, fearful avoidants often swing into an anxious phase, where they experience regret and curiosity about their ex.
Fearful avoidants may not reach out during the anxious phase, even if they experience self-blame or wonder if they made a mistake.
If no contact is made, the anxious phase can last between six weeks to three to four months after the breakup.
Fearful avoidants are often interested in reconnecting during this period of anxiety, but communication needs to improve for a healthy relationship.
Fearful avoidants may want to act like they're in a relationship during the reconnection phase without committing fully.
Discussing boundaries and communication is essential before getting back together with a fearful avoidant to avoid repeating past mistakes.
If no reconnection occurs, fearful avoidants eventually process the loss within five months post-breakup and move on.
During the reconnection phase, it is crucial to build momentum through open dialogue, without rushing back into commitment.
Transcripts
the question I get asked all the time
from people is when the fearful
avoidance realizes that they lost you
what happens how do they feel and how do
they process this
[Music]
so obviously this sort of begs the
question how does the fearful avoid an
attachment style deal with a breakup
first and foremost and I think one of
the first things that you really want to
recognize is that fearful avoidance have
both an anxious side and an avoidance
side and this anxious or avoidant side
that they are operating in more often is
going to be largely determined by their
external factors and how that triggers
their internal core wounds so for
example a fear of Floyd and could really
like somebody and be super interested in
them but if that person is trying to
become codependent or too enmeshed or
move too quickly the core wounds or
fears of an anxious preoccupied of being
trapped or helpless or powerless in the
wrong situation or stuck there or being
betrayed by the wrong person these are
the things on their more avoidant side
of their wounding that are going to be
triggered so even if somebody seems
great for the fearful avoidance they're
really interested in them they're going
to end up moving more into their
avoidance side because of those
different triggers that are coming up on
the flip side of that if a fearful
avoidant is with somebody who's more
dismissive to them than they are to
other people when they're in their
dismissive avoidance side then instead
it's going to polarize the fearful
avoidant to become more anxious and in
that case what you're going to see is
that those abandonment core wounds the
fear of being alone
um being rejected not good enough these
sorts of wounds are going to come up and
dictate their behaviors now obviously in
in a perfect world we'd love for a
fearful avoidant and if you are the
fearful when listening to do the
reprogramming on those wounds because
it's a painful thing to go through and
to go back and forth between those sides
all the time is exhausting for you more
than anybody but also it can be tough on
loved ones because there ends up being
this element of intermittent
reinforcement which is actually part of
what gamblers get addicted to
um that intermittency of the reward
right like for a fearful avoidance
sometimes you're loving and you're warm
and you know at your best and other
times you can really pull away suddenly
out of the blue and it can cause that
person to be like oh my gosh you know
where did that go and to sort of chase
after that individual so because of this
intermittent reinforcement we can see
different Dynamics here but what you
want to recognize and why I'm explaining
the anxious and avoidant side is that
when a fearful avoidant first goes
through a breakup more often than not
they go into their avoidance side
and they tend to try to convince
themselves as sort of a self-soothing
technique that like it wasn't the right
relationship they don't need that person
any longer it wasn't going to work
anyways and they'll go into their
avoidance side and they will actually
have those wounds come up and when
somebody's in there more avoid inside
they tend to comfort and soothe through
Creature Comforts more frequently in
this case in particular you'll see if
you're full wouldn't usually end up like
numbing out maybe drinking maybe
partying more often maybe smoking like
whatever it is something to just
basically distract themselves from what
they're feeling while convincing
themselves that like life is much better
now that they're free however refurbable
avoidance in particular there tends to
be a three to six week period of extreme
deactivation where they kind of numb out
their feelings and try to convince
themselves they don't really feel
anything at all and then if there's no
contact so if there is like no
communication with the ex during that
time the X isn't reaching out there's
nothing to polarize them or sort of
force them into that more inside so what
happens just as a byproduct is there's
sort of this Boomerang effect where
after that three to six week period ends
then the fearful avoid might go more
into their anxious side which I see
happen the vast majority of the time and
in that anxious side those core wounds
will be triggered where they may
actually experience regret
curiosity wondering
um if you know somebody might want to
get back together with them if they made
a mistake wondering what that person is
doing that's their ex
um even like self-blame can be a big
theme at that point however if your
blood still may not want to reach out so
after that three to six week sort of
deactivation piece often I see fearful
avoidance move into a six week to about
three months or four months activation
side particularly if there's no contact
again that will be broken generally and
they'll go back to deactivating if the X
reaches out like before that six week
Mark
um and so it's in that space that if
you're following may be most interested
in getting back together now I want to
say a few quick things here and we're
going to go through like how to tell
we're going to talk about um what you
need to know
um both as the fearful avoidant or acts
of a fearful one if you're considering
getting back together I will say that
one of the first and most important
things is not to just jump back into a
relationship for the sake of it if
you're going to consider getting back
together with somebody it should be that
you understand new things that you
didn't before you're willing to have
different types of conversations where
with more open communication with better
boundaries like there's so many
important things here
um to discuss because I personally
wouldn't advocate for anybody to just be
in a painful situation break up get back
together without changing things because
you're just more likely to get to a
painful breakup again but I also very
much understand there's a lot of people
out here who are like watching these
videos every day doing reprogramming
work all these sorts of things I do have
if you want to do a deeper dive and I'll
still explain some stuff in just a
moment but
I do have a course it's all about
reconnecting with an fa um we actually
have these for all the different
attachment Styles and like what's
important how to tell if it's the right
you know choice to reconnect with
somebody
um what to look for what to do
differently how the reconnection should
go and I'll put the link to that course
down below
um and it is free for 14 days so more
than enough time to get through that
entire reconnection roadmap with a
fearful avoidance
um and it also gives you access to
everything at PDS for the next 14 days
as well for free
um and so you know moving back to this
idea is once you have these
conversations about is it gonna work can
we do this like is this the right
relationship to be in once those things
are really
um you know discussed essentially the
best time to discuss them is not right
after you get back in contact so you
first want to wait that that six weeks
essentially of no contact after the
breakup to do this to the work for
yourself right to really dig in and be
like who am I what do I want what wasn't
working is it workable the next time
around there really digging into like
reprogramming your core wounds your
fears meeting your own needs learning to
be in this relationship to yourself
again and if you feel like you really
grew during that time and could see a
different approach and a different path
of doing things that's when it becomes a
really good time to have a different
discussion and at that point in
particular there's generally this like
eight week phase once you start speaking
with a fearful avoidant acts again where
they still you know we sort of joke
about this sometimes with all the
respects of fearful avoidance but
um if your boyfriends want to like act
like they're in a relationship without
being in a relationship during the
reconnection phase they want to you know
hang out be there but not have these
like commitment oriented discussions
because going back to what we talked
about at the very start of this video
those commitment oriented discussions
will just polarize them back into the
avoidant side again so there needs to be
this kind of building of momentum this
open conversation set of dialogues
around things and in that eight weeks of
reconnecting after that six weeks of no
contact that tends to be where it's
really important to have those
discussions what can we do differently
how are we not communicating properly
the first time what boundaries do we
need what changes would we need to make
if we were going to try this again and
having those discussions allows you to
actually have a healthy future ahead of
you in the relationship dynamic if there
is no reconnection that ever happens
and the fearful avoidance just realizes
they lost you as a whole there will be
this kind of often regret period if your
full avoidant has but keep in mind
fearful avoid and still don't want to be
vulnerable so they may not externalize
that they may not express that to you or
let you know and what I'll generally see
is there's like the six weeks first of
no contact six weeks pureful wouldn't
convinces themselves all is good they're
in a better space now they have their
freedom then they reactivate then they
have about six weeks to about three to
four months of kind of missing their
acts and wondering what if
um and whether they reach out or not
during that time depends on many
different factors but after that four
month Mark post six weeks so we're
looking at like three to four months
after that first initial six weeks
you're looking at you know in total
um around five or so months after the
relationship ends at that point for a
full avoidance tend to make a turnaround
and
um you know heal and uh work through
things and you know move on to different
relationship Dynamics or discussions or
friendships or different ways of
essentially getting their needs met and
sort of have more closure but I do find
that that's sort of the the span of time
but more often than not takes
um so hopefully this was helpful for you
again if you want to go through that
reconnection course for free for 14 days
I put the link down below I know so many
people ask questions about it so I was
like I'm just gonna make a course out of
it
um so you can always check that out
and I hope you enjoy this channel if you
are enjoying and want to hit the like
button or subscribe I would always super
appreciate that and thank you so much
for stopping by and I'm looking forward
to seeing you in future videos
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