2183 - Charles Duhigg on 3 Ways to Be a Supercommunicator

Summary

In this interview, Charles Duhigg, author of 'The Power of Habit' and 'Smarter Faster Better,' discusses his new book 'Super Communicators' and how anyone can unlock the secret language of connection. He emphasizes the importance of truly connecting with others through deep questions, active listening, and reciprocal authenticity. Duhigg highlights that being a super communicator transcends cultural and language barriers, focusing on human principles and the desire to connect.

Takeaways

• 📚 Charles Duhigg is the author of 'The Power of Habit' and 'Smarter Faster Better', and a staff writer at The New Yorker.
• 🏆 Duhigg won a Pulitzer Prize for explanatory reporting in 2013 and has appeared on various media platforms including NPR and Frontline.
• 🌟 His new book, 'Super Communicators', explores how to unlock the secret language of connection.
• 🤝 Connection is a superpower that can be developed through practice and habit formation.
• 🧠 The匹配原则 highlights the importance of having the same kind of conversation at the same moment for effective communication.
• 🗣️ There are three types of conversations: practical, emotional, and social. Understanding these helps in connecting better with others.
• 🔍 Duhigg's research found that good communicators ask deep questions that reveal values, beliefs, or experiences.
• 💡 To become a super communicator, practice active listening and prove your engagement by looping for understanding.
• 🌐 The principles of good communication are universal across cultures, but their expressions may vary.
• 📈 A study from Harvard Business School suggests that preparing conversation topics can reduce anxiety in interactions.
• 💖 Building deep connections is crucial for a satisfying and meaningful life, and it requires intentional investment.

Q & A

What is the main focus of Charles Duhigg's new book, 'Super Communicators'?

The main focus of Charles Duhigg's new book, 'Super Communicators', is to explore how to unlock the secret language of connection and improve our ability to communicate and connect with others.

How does Charles Duhigg define a 'super communicator'?

A 'super communicator' is someone who is exceptionally good at connecting with others, regardless of how much or little they have in common. This ability is not innate but can be developed through practice and forming certain habits.

What are the three types of conversations that Charles Duhigg mentions in the transcript?

The three types of conversations are practical conversations (making plans or solving problems), emotional conversations (talking about feelings and seeking empathy), and social conversations (discussing social identities and how we relate to each other and society).

What is the 'matching principle' in psychology?

The 'matching principle' in psychology states that in order to truly hear each other and connect, we need to be having the same kind of conversation at the same moment. This means aligning our conversations to understand each other better.

How does Charles Duhigg suggest we become better communicators?

Charles Duhigg suggests becoming better communicators by asking more questions, particularly deep questions that explore values, beliefs, and experiences; proving we're listening through looping for understanding; and investing in connections by setting time aside to nurture relationships.

What does the Harvard study of adult development reveal about the importance of connections?

The Harvard study of adult development reveals that having a small handful of close connections by the age of 45 is the best predictor of being healthy, happy, and successful at age 65. This emphasizes the importance of cultivating and maintaining strong relationships throughout our lives.

How does Charles Duhigg recommend handling conversations in different cultures?

Charles Duhigg recommends recognizing that while the basic principles of communication are universal, they may be expressed differently across cultures. He advises learning the cultural rules and nuances of a particular culture to communicate effectively and connect with people from diverse backgrounds.

What is the significance of asking deep questions in a conversation?

Asking deep questions in a conversation allows individuals to share their values, beliefs, and experiences, leading to a more meaningful and authentic exchange. It fosters reciprocal authenticity and vulnerability, which helps people feel closer and more connected.

How can we overcome anxiety in conversations?

To overcome anxiety in conversations, Charles Duhigg suggests taking a moment before the conversation to think about topics that might come up or questions to ask. Having these talking points can provide a sense of confidence and reduce anxiety, even if they are not directly used during the conversation.

What advice does Charles Duhigg give for non-native English speakers to become super communicators?

Charles Duhigg advises non-native English speakers to focus on being curious, asking questions, listening, and showing a genuine desire to connect with others. He emphasizes that being a super communicator is not about fluency or perfect grammar but about the ability to engage and connect meaningfully with people, regardless of the language used.

Outlines

00:00

📚 Introduction and Background

The paragraph introduces the guest, Charles Doig, a renowned author and staff writer at the New Yorker. His works include the New York Times bestsellers 'The Power of Habit' and 'Smarter Faster Better'. He has also been awarded a Pulitzer Prize for explanatory reporting. The host expresses excitement about the topic of the show, which focuses on connection and communication, and mentions the new book by Charles, 'Super Communicators', which delves into the secret language of connection. The conversation begins with Charles explaining his interest in the topic, stemming from his curiosity about why some people excel at connecting with others.

05:05

🌍 Cultural Differences in Communication

This paragraph discusses the cultural aspects of communication, highlighting that while the three types of conversations (practical, emotional, and social) are universal, their expression varies across cultures. Charles provides examples from the United States, Israel, and Japan to illustrate these differences. He emphasizes the importance of understanding cultural nuances and adjusting our communication style accordingly. The conversation also touches on the need to be authentic and present in interactions, rather than relying on superficial tactics.

10:10

💡 Tips for Effective Communication

Charles shares practical tips for becoming a super communicator. He suggests asking more questions, particularly deep questions that reveal a person's values and beliefs. He also discusses the importance of showing that we're listening through a technique called 'looping for understanding', which involves asking questions, repeating what we've heard, and confirming our understanding. Lastly, Charles emphasizes the value of investing in connections, citing a long-term study that shows the significance of having close relationships for happiness and success.

15:14

🌐 Communicating in a Second Language

In the final paragraph, Charles addresses the global audience, offering advice on effective communication in a second language. He stresses that being a super communicator is not about fluency or perfect grammar but about showing curiosity, asking questions, listening, and a genuine desire to connect. He encourages the audience to focus on the human connection aspect of communication, which transcends language barriers.

Keywords

💡Super Communicator

A term used to describe individuals who excel in connecting with others through effective communication. In the context of the video, it refers to someone who can unlock the secret language of connection, regardless of shared interests or backgrounds. The concept is emphasized as a learnable skill set rather than an innate trait, and is central to the author's discussion on improving communication habits.

💡Connection

The state of being emotionally or intellectually linked with another person, which is a fundamental aspect of human relationships and interactions. In the video, the importance of connection is highlighted as a core human craving, and the author discusses how certain communication practices can enhance or hinder this connection.

💡Habits

Routine practices that are repeated regularly and tend to occur subconsciously. In the context of the video, habits are presented as the building blocks of effective communication, which can be developed and improved over time to enhance one's ability to connect with others.

💡Authenticity

The quality of being genuine, true to oneself, and honest. In the video, authenticity is portrayed as a critical component of effective communication, where being genuinely curious and engaged leads to deeper connections and mutual understanding.

💡Deep Questions

Inquisitive prompts that seek to explore an individual's values, beliefs, or experiences, rather than focusing on superficial or factual aspects of their life. In the video, deep questions are encouraged as a means to foster meaningful conversations and to understand the underlying motivations and perspectives of others.

💡Looping for Understanding

A communication technique that involves paraphrasing what the speaker has said, to demonstrate active listening and ensure that the message has been correctly understood. In the video, looping is presented as an effective method to prove that one is listening and to enhance the quality of conversations.

💡Anxiety

A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease often caused by uncertainty or impending events. In the context of the video, anxiety is discussed as a barrier to effective communication and connection, with suggestions provided on how to manage it to improve conversations.

💡Neurologically Entrained

A term from neurology that describes a state where the brain patterns of two individuals are synchronized, leading to a deeper sense of understanding and connection. In the video, this concept is used to illustrate the ideal state of communication where both parties are fully engaged and aligned in their conversation.

💡Cultural Rules

The unwritten guidelines and norms that govern behavior and communication within a specific culture. In the video, cultural rules are acknowledged as being consistent across cultures, though they may be expressed differently. Understanding and adapting to these rules is emphasized as crucial for effective cross-cultural communication.

💡Harvard Study of Adult Development

A long-term research project that has been tracking the lives of thousands of individuals for nearly a century to understand the factors that contribute to healthy and happy aging. In the video, the study is cited to highlight the importance of maintaining close connections for overall well-being and success.

💡Reciprocal Authenticity

A mutual state of openness and genuine engagement in a conversation where both parties are fully present and share their true selves. In the video, reciprocal authenticity is portrayed as a key outcome of asking deep questions and showing authentic curiosity, leading to stronger connections.

Highlights

Charles Duhigg, author of 'The Power of Habit' and 'Smarter Faster Better', discusses the art of communication and connection.

Duhigg's new book 'Super Communicators' explores unlocking the secret language of connection.

The ability to connect with others is not innate but a learnable skill set that can be practiced and developed.

The importance of understanding the three types of conversations: practical, emotional, and social.

The matching principle in psychology emphasizes the need for同步性 in conversations for effective communication.

Duhigg explains how cultural differences affect communication habits, and the importance of recognizing and adapting to these differences.

The significance of asking deep questions that reveal a person's values, beliefs, and experiences.

The concept of reciprocal authenticity, where both parties in a conversation are genuinely invested and open.

Addressing the common barriers to bringing one's full self to a conversation, such as anxiety and focus on personal goals.

The Harvard Business School study on the impact of preparing conversation topics on reducing anxiety.

Tactic one: Ask more questions, especially deep questions, to understand someone's perspective and feelings.

Tactic two: Use the looping technique for understanding to show active listening and ensure mutual comprehension.

Tactic three: Invest in building and maintaining close connections, as they are key to a satisfying and meaningful life.

The importance of scheduling time for connection-building conversations in our busy lives.

Duhigg's advice for non-native English speakers: focus on curiosity, asking questions, listening, and showing a genuine desire to connect.

The availability of 'Super Communicators' and how to reach out to Charles Duhigg for more insights.

Transcripts

hello Charles welcome to the show how are  you today I'm good thank you for having  

me on yeah I'm really excited to have you on  the show here you know I've known about your  

work for the last about 10 years read one of  your original books The Power of Habit but  

I'd like to take a minute to introduce you to  our audience so for our listeners guys today I  

have Charles doig on the show he is the author  of The New York Times bestsellers The Power of  

Habit and smarter faster better he's a staff  writer at the New Yorker and was previously a  

reporter at the New York Times where he won a  pulit prize for explanatory reporting in 2013  

and he has appeared on This American Life NPR  the newsour with Jim Lara and Frontline and he  

lives in Santa Cruz California welcome again to  the show Charles thanks yeah well I I started  

reading your book your new book called what is it  called what's the new book that you have out here  

super communicators unlocking how to unlock the  secret language of connection and I saw that title  

and I said boom that's it we need to have you on  the show because here at allers English that is  

our vision it's our mission is not so much it is  language learning we talk about learning English  

for Global professionals but every episode we  do here comes back to connection and it seems  

like that is something you are also interested  in Charles oh absolutely how did you become  

interested in this topic I mean from your other  books how did you get into researching this area  

well you know I I I basically started to wonder  why some people were so good at connecting with  

anyone that they encountered and and it seems  like such a superpower right to when you meet  

these business people or these these figures  who they just seem to connect with everyone and  

initially I thought that that was because they  were born that way right there were they must  

have like or they're maybe they're like really  charismatic or they're really extroverts and  

really outgoing but as I started getting into the  research what I learned was that's actually not  

true it anyone can become a super Communicator  it's just a series of skills that you need to  

kind of practice until they become habits and and  they unlock our ability to not only communicate  

with but to connect with really anyone regardless  of how much or little we have in common with them  

and what an important skill I think one of the  points you made in the book was so true many of  

us go through many interactions in life not truly  connecting you had the the the images of the brain  

doing different things and but when we can truly  have our brains moving in the same direction it's  

a different experience and it just feels more  satisfying as human beings don't you think oh  

absolutely and we've actually evolved to Crave  that kind of connection and within psychology  

this is known as the matching principle and what  it says is that in order to really hear each other  

in order to really connect with each other we  need to be having the same kind of conversation  

at the same moment and most conversations they  fall into one of three buckets right there's a  

there's these practical conversations we have  where we're making plans or we're we're you  

know solving problems and then there's emotion  conversations where we're talking about how we  

feel and I don't want you to solve my feelings  I want you to empathize right 100% yeah and then  

finally there's these social conversations which  is about how we relate to each other and society  

and the and the social identities that are  important to us yeah and if I come home and  

I'm having a bad day and I complain to my wife  and I'm having an emotional conversation and she  

responds by suggesting a solution like why don't  you take your boss to lunch right we're not going  

to hear each other in fact I'm going to get more  upset rather than feel feel good because we're  

having different kinds of conversations but if we  align then we can really hear each other then we  

can move through these different conversations  together yeah so that is the foundation of  

the idea why do you think most people miss this  why do you think we tend to not connect in that  

reason for that conversation what conversation  why why do we miss this I think honestly just  

because we're not paying attention right we we've  only really learned about the last three convers  

the last three kinds of conversations the last  decade as our our ability to do neural Imaging  

and data collection has gotten better and I think  often times when we go into a conversation we're  

thinking about oursel what do I want to say  what do I want to get across what's my goal  

and those are important to know those things but  it's equally important to think about what the  

other person needs what the other person wants  to get across what the other person's goal is  

and sometimes what you'll find is that if your  goals are in Conflict it's as easy as just saying  

okay look let's start with your goal and then  we'll move to my goal let's start talking about  

emotional topics and then we'll move to practical  topics because when we do that together then we're  

aligned then we're what in the words of um of  Neurology we're what's known as nurly entrained  

I love that term nurly and trained so before  we get into your tips here uh Charles on what  

are the three things that we could do to become  a super Communicator I think our listeners are  

going to be really excited to know what they are  I'm curious about the research that was done was  

it done globally cross-culturally and how could  culture I mean would it change this or is this  

just a human are these human principles or could  this be different cult cross-culturally so they  

are human principles these three conversations  show up in every culture that's been looked at  

by researchers but you're exactly right that in  different cultures different habits are stronger  

or weaker right in for instance the United States  being um sort of confrontational is is a habit  

that that's very that's very acceptable that  people fall into I don't know if you spent much  

time in like Israel but in Israel people are very  confrontational and again it's just part of the  

it's part of the mores or the or the culture of  the place now if you go to some place like Japan  

where I SP last summer then then people people  have just as many issues they have just as many  

disagreements but the the culture is to express  those differences or Express um our needs a little  

bit differently okay and what's important here is  not to not to think that different cultures have  

different rules but to recognize every culture  has the same basic rules but they get expressed  

in slightly different ways and I as an outsider  I need to learn what those cultural rules are  

because once I do then I'm going to know that if  somebody is um I used to live in the Middle East  

and this happened all the time I lived in Egypt  is that nobody ever tells you no because it's rude  

to say no so after a a little while you learn  that like even if they're saying not right now  

what they really mean is no right right and it's  my job to learn that lesson and to pay attention  

to it of course I had a similar experience I also  I lived in Japan for a little while and something  

similar where there are certain words that are not  no but they mean no right so it's reading between  

the lines right Charles just really understanding  that love it and as I started reading through the  

book as I mentioned before we went on hit record  it seems like being a super Communicator is not  

about superficial tactics right I mean I I  that's kind of what I was expecting to see  

was more kind of things we can do words we can  say little things we can insert kind of tactics  

but it sounds like it's much more around your  presence around people that's absolutely right  

it's about bringing your authentic about bringing  authenticity to a to a to a conversation you know  

one of the one of the things that we know super  communicators do so well is that they ask a lot  

of questions and in particular they ask what are  known as deep questions and a deep question asks  

about our values our beliefs or experiences which  can sound overwhelming but it's as simple as if  

you meet someone who's who's a lawyer say saying  why' you why' you decide to go to law school like  

like what do you love about practicing the law  what's your favorite case when you ask someone a  

question like that what you're really asking them  is tell me about how you see the world like what  

is it that makes you passionate that motivates  you and when someone answers that authentically  

and you're authentically curious and you respond  with your own authenticity you engage in what's  

known as reciprocal authenticity or reciprocal  vulnerability we feel closer to each other and  

that's that's not a trick you can't fake that  but if you really invest in it if you bring  

your full self to the conversation then then it's  going to work yeah why do you think we sometimes  

don't bring our full selves to the conversation  in general is that we're too busy we're too like  

we're in a fear-based mindset what do you think it  is I think a lot of it is is anxiety right or or  

we're so focused on our goals that we're thinking  to ourself okay my goal in this conversation is  

to prove that I'm smart or my goal in this  conversation is to prove that I'm right or to  

get you to like me or to convince you to buy my  product and and we've all been in conversations  

like that and sometimes that's appropriate right  if you're if you're if you're a Salesman then then  

maybe you should be doing that but the best  salespeople the best communicators they take  

a break and they say okay I know what my goals  are what are the other person's goals right why  

are you here why are you having this conversation  let let it let this be a dialogue as opposed to a  

monologue where I'm just waiting my turn to speak  I think that's part of it and I think the other  

part is sometimes we're just anxious you know  one of the one of the most anxiety producing  

things you can ask someone to do is to have a  conversation with a stranger interesting yet  

we do this all the time and they go fine they go  great right right and I think that sometimes we  

just have to remind ourselves to to have a little  bit less anxiety in fact there was a study that  

was done by some professors at Harvard Business  School where they they told students okay you're  

going to go have a conversation with a stranger  before you do write down three topics you might  

want to discuss just take 10 seconds to do this  like you know last night's game and what you're  

doing this weekend and then stick it in your  pocket and go have the conversation and what  

they found is that those topics almost never came  up but the fact that people had them to fall back  

on made them feel so much more confident and so  much less anxious in that conversation and of  

course we can do that before any conversation we  can just take five seconds to think like okay what  

do what do I want to talk about what's what might  come up and it might not come up but if there's a  

silence you've got something in your back pocket  I love that right because it is there's nothing  

more human and I think you might have mentioned  this in the book and I agree than conversation  

there's nothing more powerful more human than  conversation it is our basic nature you know this  

is our Birthright to connect with people AB it  is our superpower it's what's made has made Homo  

sapiens such a so such a success that's why we're  on the top of the Heap when it comes to species  

is we have the ability to communicate with each  other and therefore form families and Villages  

and towns and countries you know and it works the  people who succeed are the people who are the best  

communicators we know this from study after study  and Industry after industry particularly once you  

become a manager your ability to communicate is  the single most important thing at determining  

your success I love that so it sounds like  what we're what we're looking to do is step  

into what we naturally do well anyways what we  know we can do and strip out kind of move past  

the anxiety that's sort of getting in the way a  little bit that's exactly right that's exactly  

right and there's some simple tactics that help us  do that yeah I think listeners would love to hear  

what those tactics are Charles what would be the  first thing that we could do the the first thing  

is to ask more questions and in particular to ask  those deep questions right and it's easier than it  

seems because really what we're asking is what do  you make of that like instead of like instead of  

asking people about the facts of their life ask  them how they feel about their life instead of  

saying you know where do you live saying what do  you love most about the place you live like what's  

what's the best part of your neighborhood that's  a chance for people to share who they really are  

second tactic oh sorry go ahead I was just going  to say it's going into the why a little bit beyond  

the what right Charles yeah that's exactly right  that's exactly right okay okay the second tactic  

is to prove that we're listening because often  times even if we are listening the other person  

doesn't know that we're listening and and  there's always this suspicion particularly  

in hard conversations or new or talking to someone  new that maybe this person isn't listening maybe  

they're just waiting their turn to speak now the  way that we prove that we're listening is what  

we do after someone stops talking and there's a  technique known as looping for understanding that  

particularly in hard conversations is really  really effective and it has Three Steps step  

one is ask a question preferably a deep question  if you can step two is repeat back in your own  

words what you just heard this person say right  that shows that you're listening to them it shows  

and step three and this is the one we usually  forget ask if you got it right so what would  

that sound like in terms of the wording we might  use to repeat back I I think I heard you say X or  

what what what feels right here's here's what I  hear you saying and tell me if I got this right  

here's here's what I think you're telling me right  and and then and what's amazing about that is that  

not only does it feel so wonderful to the other  person to know that you paid such close attention  

yes what we know is that we are hardwired in  such a way that it makes that other person want  

to listen to you more likely to listen to you yes  so when we prove that we're listening we actually  

make our own voices a little bit louder if we do  it well amazing amazing okay and the third Tac  

is to really invest in connections so there was  a study that was done name known as the Harvard  

study of adult development it's one of the most  famous studies out there it's for almost a hundred  

years they've been following around thousands  of people and they've been trying to figure out  

what makes you healthiest when you're aged 65 and  happiest and most successful however you define  

success yeah and what they found is that the only  thing that indicates if you will be healthy and  

happy and successful at age 65 is having at least  a small handful of close connections when you're  

45 years old which of course means that you've  started developing those relationships way before  

45 right wow having connections with other people  is what makes our life satisfying and meaningful  

and makes us happy and that means that we need to  set some time aside to actually invest in those  

right it means that when we're on a business  call instead of just making it 15 minutes we  

make it 30 minutes and we spend some time saying  what's going on with you like what's what's new  

in your world what what's what's happening it  means calling up that person that you haven't  

spoken to in a year and a half and knowing that  the first couple of minutes might be a little bit  

awkward but that then you're going to fall into  this conversation and this relationship that is  

so sustaining that probably leads to new business  opportunities and new insights creating time to  

cultivate and nurture connections is really  important and the way we do that is through  

conversations yes I love it I love it and I think  we need to schedule it in as you said we need to  

make that time and but we're off kind of chasing  our careers and and doing the things we feel we  

need to do it's almost like every week we have  to remind ourselves when is my connection time  

you know when am I going to get this into my  calendar right it's really important and and  

it makes a huge huge difference when we do it  oh this is great oh my gosh Charles I wish we  

could talk for half an hour I so appreciate this  this is so in line with what we talk about here  

on allers English any final bit of advice for our  listeners especially our Global audience if they  

are doing business or communicating in their  second language in English any to be a super  

Communicator in a second language anything there  that you could offer absolutely and the thing I  

would say is the biggest lesson that we've picked  up in the last 10 years is that anyone can be a  

super Communicator in any language right because  it's not about your fluency it's not about getting  

every single word right what it's about is it's  about being curious about asking questions about  

listening and most importantly in about showing  people that you want to connect with them that  

when I show you I want to connect and you connect  and you connect back that feels wonderful and the  

first most important step is showing you that I  want to listen I want to understand you I want to  

connect and that of course that doesn't matter  what H language it happens in that's something  

that we show with what we do oh I love that I love  that I this is very reassuring that we know we're  

on the right path focusing on human connection  this is fantastic Charles I think our listeners  

might want to know more about how to get their  hands on this book and read more go deeper into  

your research where could they get that yeah  absolutely so super communicators is available  

online or in any bookstore that you normally go to  there's lots of them in airport bookstores right  

now which is really great and in addition um if  you want to reach out to me my you can email me  

I I actually read and respond to every email I  get my email address is charlescharles dog.com  

and my website is Charles dog.com where there's  lots of information perfect thank you for being  

so accessible especially to our audience that  is fantastic I so appreciate your time today  

Charles thank you so much for me onely I hope  to have you on again soon thank [Music] you