Cohabitation
Summary
TLDRThe video addresses how parents can guide their adult children who are cohabiting before marriage, especially when they view it as morally wrong. It suggests asking questions to understand their desires, focusing on their personal growth rather than condemning their actions. Parents are encouraged to help their children become better individuals by supporting their desire for a faithful and meaningful marriage. Lastly, the video advises being honest and vulnerable about feelings, without shaming, and fostering open communication to inspire positive change.
Takeaways
- 🙂 Ask questions to understand your adult child's experiences without judgment.
- 🤔 Focus on identifying their authentic desires for faithfulness, love, and exclusivity.
- 👨🏫 Teach from a perspective of being rather than focusing only on behavior.
- 🔄 Decisions shape the type of people we become—more whole or more broken.
- 📚 Encourage personal growth by offering resources that align with their goals for a faithful marriage.
- 💬 Use 'I statements' to express your feelings without blaming or shaming.
- 🌱 Acknowledge your own mistakes as a parent and model accountability.
- 🙌 Create an environment of honesty, vulnerability, and mutual support.
- 💡 Avoid emotionally manipulative language and instead foster open communication.
- 💒 Your children may realize the importance of making marriage feel different from living together and seek your support.
Q & A
What is the main topic discussed in the video script?
-The main topic discussed is how parents can help their adult children see that living together before marriage is not okay.
What approach does the speaker suggest parents take when addressing the issue with their adult children?
-The speaker suggests asking a lot of questions to understand their children's experiences and desires, teaching from a perspective of being rather than doing, and being honest and vulnerable about their feelings.
Why does the speaker recommend asking questions to the adult children?
-The speaker recommends asking questions to avoid judgment and to understand the authentic desires of their children's hearts, which can lead to more open and honest conversations.
What is meant by teaching from a perspective of 'being' rather than 'doing'?
-Teaching from a perspective of 'being' focuses on the kind of people they are becoming and the moral implications of their actions, rather than just focusing on the behaviors themselves.
How does the speaker suggest parents handle their own feelings about the situation?
-The speaker suggests being honest and vulnerable about their feelings using 'I statements' to express disappointment or hurt without shaming or blaming their children.
What kind of culture does the speaker believe should be promoted within the family when discussing this issue?
-The speaker believes in promoting a culture of real honesty and sharing, where mistakes are acknowledged and efforts are made to improve, rather than a culture of shaming.
How does the speaker recommend parents respond if their children express a desire for faithfulness and a strong marriage?
-The speaker recommends supporting their children's desires by providing resources, such as books, that can help them become the kind of person they want to be and achieve a faithful marriage.
What is the speaker's view on using statistics or negative outcomes to convince their children about cohabitation?
-The speaker advises against using statistics or negative outcomes, as these often backfire or do not produce good results. Instead, focus on positive and supportive communication.
Why does the speaker emphasize modeling behavior for adult children?
-The speaker emphasizes modeling behavior because it shows that adults can recognize mistakes, make changes, and improve, which can inspire adult children to do the same.
What outcome does the speaker hope for by using the suggested approaches?
-The speaker hopes that by using the suggested approaches, parents can foster honest and supportive relationships with their adult children, leading to better decisions and stronger marriages.
Outlines
💬 Addressing Adult Children Living Together Before Marriage
The speaker responds to a question about how to address the issue of adult children living together before marriage. The advice begins with an emphasis on understanding and asking questions to avoid judgment and instead uncover authentic desires. The speaker highlights the importance of acknowledging the adult child’s longing for faithfulness, exclusivity, and lasting love in their relationships. By focusing on these desires, parents can build a foundation to guide their children positively and effectively.
📚 Teaching from a Perspective of Being Rather Than Doing
The speaker advises parents to guide their adult children by focusing on the type of person they want to become rather than merely criticizing their behavior. They suggest that every decision contributes to shaping a person’s character. Instead of condemning the behavior or moralizing, parents are encouraged to support their children’s desire to be the best version of themselves. The goal is to promote understanding that morally questionable actions ultimately hurt the individual, so the conversation should revolve around becoming a better person.
❤️ Expressing Honest Emotions and Vulnerability
The speaker emphasizes the value of being honest and vulnerable about personal feelings without resorting to blame or emotional manipulation. They suggest using 'I' statements to express disappointment or hurt feelings in a way that invites open dialogue and honesty, avoiding shaming or harsh criticism. This approach can model for adult children that making mistakes is a part of life, and being an adult involves acknowledging and learning from those mistakes.
💡 Encouraging Growth and Positive Change
Finally, the speaker suggests that parents express their willingness to change and grow alongside their children. By admitting past parenting mistakes and showing a commitment to improving, parents can set an example of maturity and responsibility. This can create opportunities for the children to seek advice and support, potentially leading to a deeper and more meaningful conversation about relationships, marriage, and personal growth. The speaker concludes by offering a prayer for all parents dealing with similar challenges, hoping that their guidance will inspire positive changes.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Cohabitation
💡Faithfulness
💡Moral life
💡Cultural norms
💡Marriage
💡Vulnerability
💡Teaching from 'being'
💡Moral code
💡Authentic desires
💡Honesty in family relationships
Highlights
Parents should ask open-ended questions to encourage adult children to share their experiences without feeling judged.
Asking about their experience with cohabitation can open a dialogue, rather than making them defensive.
Parents should focus on their children's authentic desires, such as faithfulness, love, and joy, to find common ground.
Every heart desires faithfulness and exclusivity in love, and these values can serve as a foundation for further discussion.
It's more effective to teach values by focusing on who a person is becoming rather than solely criticizing their behaviors.
Decisions shape who we become as people, either making us more whole or more divided.
Moral decisions are important because they affect one's internal sense of humanity and wholeness.
Calling adult children to strive for greatness in their relationships is a more positive approach than focusing on their mistakes.
Offering resources, like books that promote growth in marriage, can help them become the people they want to be.
Parents should be open and vulnerable about their feelings rather than shaming or blaming their children.
Using 'I' statements, like 'I feel disappointed' or 'I feel hurt,' can foster more open and honest communication.
Parents should admit their own mistakes to model for their children how adults take responsibility for their actions.
Being honest about one's own shortcomings can encourage adult children to reflect on their choices and seek change.
The goal is to create a culture of honesty, not shame, where both parents and children can admit mistakes and grow.
When families communicate openly and without judgment, adult children may ask for help in making their marriage special.
Transcripts
hey welcome to Kathy practice today
we're doing mailbag and it's a question
from Evita she says how do you help your
adult child to see that living together
before marriage is not okay maybe I'm
assuming you're here talking about like
cohabitation or living together with a
romantic partner before marriage as if
you're married
great question obviously something that
a lot of moms and dads who find that
kind of behavior you know just repugnant
to a reason and morality yeah it's a
painful it's a painful thing because
it's just a comment in our in our
culture today just a couple things I
would say the first one is to ask a lot
of questions
you can't treat adult children as if
they're 10 years old by that I mean
questions that are going to help you get
to what they're experiencing how is it
going how is it living together see when
you ask the question you're not judging
anybody and what you're gonna find out
is your kids may actually be more
forthcoming than you would expect what
you're looking for are the authentic
desires of their heart see every heart
desires faithfulness and exclusivity and
love and romantic love every heart
desires to be fruitful to have joy joy
in their marriage to have long-lasting
faithfulness and their love so that's
what you that's what you can build on it
says it sounds like you really want
faithfulness in your marriage that's
awesome right once those desires are
established and that it's there in your
relationship with a child now you've got
something to build on from there you can
teach so ask questions for authentic
desires second you can teach but I would
say teach from a perspective of being
and not doing that may sound like a
mouthful but here's what I mean what you
don't want to do is focus on their
behaviors alone hey your behavior is bad
don't you know that you guys are living
in sin or don't you know that you're you
can't receive Communion or something
like that I'd say it's probably better
to teach into being by that I mean the
kind of people they're becoming right
we're moral people we want to live a
moral life not to check off some kind of
rule boxes
because our decisions dictate the kind
of persons we become every decision you
and I make today makes us a little bit
more whole and human and real or
they make us less human broken and
divided and finally less internal s as
human beings so any morally repugnant
action will hurt the person who does it
so that's what you're looking for in
other words you can call call the person
to greatness hey sounds like you wanna
have a really faithful marriage how can
I help you in that it sounds like you
guys are excited about your marriage
here here's a book that maybe could help
you become the kind of person you want
to be do you see how that's nothing a
little bit more positive and a little
bit more it's still may be strong but
you're helping the person become a kind
of a good person as opposed to someone
who can just follow a certain kind of
moral code lastly I would say in the
pain and struggle of it try to be honest
and vulnerable about what you're feeling
you have a right to do that by this I
don't mean say hey your mom and I think
that you're a total failure and you're
embarrassing the whole family or we're
afraid that you guys are gonna get
divorced because the statistics say if
you go have a table for matters are
gonna get divorced I find those kind of
things true as they may be usually
backfire or at least don't produce it
very much good at fruit but well you can
say I think are things like I've ever
heard of I statements when you live in
this situation I really feel
disappointed I really feel hurt I feel
like I've kind of let you down as a
parent what that can open up I think is
a not a shaming culture in your family
but one of real honesty and ensuring
what you're going through it's not a way
of emotionally manipulating people you
don't want it to turn into that what you
wanted to turn it into is an opportunity
for people to say hey I've made mistakes
your mom and I made mistakes in raising
you and we're gonna we're gonna start
making some changes in our own life do
you see how that's actually modeling for
your children your adults children that
it as adults we make mistakes sometimes
terrible ones but an adult says doesn't
blame other people and doesn't just do
what the culture does nadell says look I
recognize that I made a mistake and I'm
gonna I'm gonna change and can you help
me with that
you may be surprised to see that you're
a dolt children say you know mom and dad
we're getting married in six months and
can you help us with this situation we
don't want to be stuck in this we want
our marriage to be special we want
marriage to feel different than when we
were living together before we got
married
so those are the three things Evita and
any other moms and dads who can use that
I hope you find it helpful and I'll say
a little prayer for for all moms and
dads who have adult children who are
getting ready to get married
god bless you thanks
[Music]
Browse More Related Video
Important Parenting Tips in Kannada | Must Watch | Dr. Purvi Jayaaraaj
Melatih Anak dalam Mengelola & Mengekspresikan Emosinya dengan SES. Domain 2: Regulasi Emosi Part 2
Be whoever you want at any age | Ishita Katyal | TEDxGateway
האם כל קשר חברי הוא נכון? מהו הגבול של קשר בריא? אפרת ברזל בשיחה פתוחה על עולם החברות
Nature vs. Nurture | Child Development
3 Things To Never Say To Your Toddler (And What to Say Instead)
5.0 / 5 (0 votes)