Free Yourself from Tyranny of Your Ego Ideal (Boredom, Culture)
Summary
TLDRThe video explores the concept of socialization and the formation of the ego ideal, emphasizing how external influences like family, peers, and societal norms shape our values, behaviors, and identity. It critiques the ego ideal as a construct that imposes unrealistic expectations, leading to shame and self-defeat when we fall short. The speaker encourages individuals to break free from these constraints, focus on self-awareness, and embrace who they truly are, rather than conforming to societal pressures. Authenticity is positioned as the key to avoiding internal conflict and achieving personal fulfillment.
Takeaways
- ๐ We absorb and internalize values, norms, and beliefs from external socialization agents such as parents, peers, and role models.
- ๐ง Social learning theory explains that we model our behavior based on those we admire or emulate, leading to the assimilation of their values and personality traits.
- ๐ค An attribution error occurs when we mistake these external influences as part of our own identity, believing they represent our true selves.
- ๐ฎ The ego ideal is an internalized image of who we think we should be, often unrealistic and based on societal or external expectations.
- ๐ Conflict with the ego ideal results in shame, while conflict with the superego leads to guilt. Both emotions regulate behavior.
- ๐ซ The ego ideal is not inherently ours; itโs shaped by external factors such as family, society, and culture, often creating internal conflict and dissatisfaction.
- ๐ค The ego ideal can be tyrannical, pushing us to meet unrealistic expectations, which can lead to failure, shame, and internal struggle.
- ๐ฏ To live authentically, one should focus on who they truly are rather than conforming to societal or external ideals of who they should be.
- ๐ Instead of trying to change oneself to meet the demands of the ego ideal, itโs more effective to modify the ego ideal to reflect one's authentic self.
- ๐ก Boredom can indicate that one is not living authentically. When you are true to yourself, life feels more exciting and fulfilling.
Q & A
What are the two main points made about the assimilation of values, norms, and morals?
-The two main points are: 1) After assimilating these values, beliefs, and norms, individuals tend to think of them as their own, which is called an attribution error. 2) There is a confusion between what is external and internal to oneself, which is related to the initial phase of narcissism in early childhood.
Who are considered socialization agents according to the script?
-Socialization agents include parental figures, influential peers, role models, teachers, and other family members.
What is the ego ideal as described in the script?
-The ego ideal is a container of all the values, norms, and beliefs that an individual has absorbed from their environment. It is the self's conception of how the self wishes to be and has an idealized, unrealistic nature.
How does the ego ideal relate to the super ego?
-While the ego ideal is sometimes used synonymously with the super ego, there is a distinction. The super ego is more aligned with one's conscience, and conflict with it results in guilt. In contrast, conflict with the ego ideal results in shame.
What are the potential negative outcomes of having an ego ideal that does not align with one's true self?
-The potential negative outcomes include internal conflict, constant feelings of failure, shame, depression, anxiety, and a compromise of one's true values and core identity.
What advice does the author give for dealing with an ego ideal that is not aligned with one's true self?
-The author advises modifying the ego ideal to align with one's true self rather than trying to change who one is to satisfy the ego ideal.
How does the ego ideal influence consumer behavior?
-The ego ideal motivates individuals to acquire possessions, material objects, relationships, and status as a way to measure up to societal expectations and standards.
What is the role of boredom according to the script?
-Boredom is a major indicator of inauthenticity and a sign that one is not challenging themselves or being true to their own interests and identity.
What does the author suggest doing when one's ego ideal is causing harm or pushing towards self-destructive behavior?
-The author suggests cutting off the ego ideal, reframing it, and rewriting it to align with one's true self and authentic identity.
How does the script define authenticity?
-Authenticity is defined as being true to oneself, resonating with one's environment, and not betraying oneself due to external pressures or expectations.
What is the significance of the ego ideal in the development of personality disorders according to the script?
-The ego ideal can contribute to the development of personality disorders if it imposes unrealistic demands and expectations that lead to self-abuse, self-defeat, and self-destructive behavior.
Outlines
๐ Understanding Socialization and the Ego Ideal
This paragraph explores how individuals absorb societal norms, values, and beliefs through agents of socialization like parents, peers, and role models. These external values are internalized, leading to a confusion between what is learned from others and one's authentic self, referred to as an attribution error. This initial phase of self-identity is tied to early childhood narcissism, and the speaker introduces the ego ideal, a set of expectations imposed by society, which influences our lives, behaviors, and relationships.
๐ค The Distinction Between the Ego Ideal and the Superego
Here, the distinction between the ego ideal and the superego is clarified. While the superego governs behavior through guilt, the ego ideal leads to shame when one diverges from their idealized self-image. This paragraph emphasizes that the ego ideal, often formed from external influences like parents or society, imposes unrealistic expectations on an individual, leading to feelings of failure and inadequacy. It highlights how societal pressures and personal aspirations create internal conflict, pushing individuals to conform to an unattainable standard.
โ๏ธ The Burden of the Ego Ideal and Internal Conflict
This paragraph dives deeper into the conflict created by the ego ideal. It explains how the ego ideal can motivate people but also sets them up for failure by imposing unrealistic standards. It discusses how society's consumerist nature exploits the ego ideal, driving people to acquire material possessions and status. The ego ideal creates internal tension by constantly pushing individuals to meet impossible standards, making it an internal engine of dissatisfaction and conflict.
๐ Breaking Free from the Ego Ideal
This section advises on letting go of the unrealistic expectations imposed by the ego ideal. Instead of striving to meet societal or external expectations, individuals are encouraged to focus on who they truly are. The author recommends embracing personal limitations and being honest with oneself, rejecting societal pressures that lead to self-betrayal. This paragraph emphasizes that modifying one's ego ideal, rather than oneself, is the key to authentic living.
๐ก Embracing Authenticity and Self-Acceptance
The fifth paragraph advocates for self-awareness and authenticity. It stresses that instead of changing oneself to meet external expectations, individuals should focus on who they are and what suits them. The speaker encourages self-honesty and highlights the importance of rejecting the ego ideal that imposes unrealistic standards. By accepting personal strengths and weaknesses, people can live more authentically and avoid the harmful effects of trying to conform to societal ideals.
๐ Culture, Society, and Self-Authenticity
The sixth paragraph warns against using culture or societal norms as an excuse for self-harm or self-abuse. It argues that one must reject harmful aspects of the ego ideal and any societal pressures that lead to self-destructive behavior. The speaker emphasizes that authenticity and self-awareness are the only ways to live a fulfilling and meaningful life. They advocate for rejecting any external expectations that donโt align with one's true self.
Mindmap
Keywords
๐กSocialization
๐กEgo Ideal
๐กSuperego
๐กAttribution Error
๐กShame
๐กSocial Learning Theory
๐กNarcissism
๐กInternal Conflict
๐กConsumer Society
๐กAuthenticity
Highlights
In the twin processes of socialization and enculturation, we absorb and assimilate values, norms, and morals from our culture and society.
We adopt behavioral scripts from socialization agents like parental figures, peers, role models, and teachers, which is the essence of social learning theory.
An attribution error occurs when we assimilate external values, beliefs, and norms, and think of them as our own, leading to a confusion between external influences and our authentic identity.
The ego ideal is a container of values, norms, and beliefs we absorb from the environment and internalize, making it difficult to distinguish between external influences and our authentic voice.
The ego ideal pushes us to act according to socially approved norms, which is beneficial for society but may not always be beneficial for our individual well-being.
The ego ideal is an idealized, often unrealistic image of what we should be, contributing to internal conflict when we fall short of these expectations.
The ego ideal differs from the superego; guilt is the result of conflicting with the superego, while shame results from failing to meet the ego ideal.
The ego ideal can become tyrannical and cause internal conflict by imposing unrealistic standards and expectations, often leading to feelings of failure.
The ego ideal is a significant driver of ambition and acquisition in consumer society, pushing individuals to acquire status, possessions, and relationships.
The ego ideal is not inherently you but a collection of external influences; to live authentically, one must modify their ego ideal rather than trying to change themselves to fit its demands.
Boredom is a key indicator of inauthenticity; when you're authentic and true to yourself, you feel alive, and boredom disappears.
Authenticity and true self-expression can prevent mental health pathologies, as they help bridge the gap between who you are and the world around you.
Culture and society should not be used as an excuse for self-abuse or self-betrayal; rather, people should seek to be their true selves, even if it means rejecting societal norms.
Inauthenticity, driven by the ego ideal, can lead to negative outcomes like paranoia, self-destructive behavior, and self-negation.
To truly live in harmony with yourself, you must reject the unrealistic and externally imposed ideals, instead embracing who you truly are.
Being authentic is the ultimate path to self-acceptance and fulfillment, as it allows you to align your inner self with your actions and choices in life.
Transcripts
in the Twin processes of socialization
and
culturation we absorb and assimilate the
values the norms and the morals of our
culture and the society we live in we
adopt behavioral scripts but where do we
get all these from we get all these via
socialization agents
socialization agents include parental
figures influential peers Role Models
teachers other members of the family
anyone whom we can model and this is the
essence of social learning
theory there are two points to make
number one having assimilated these
values beliefs
Norms we tend to think of them as our
own this is called an attribution error
we attribute these things which have
come from the outside from other people
we appropriate them we identify with
them and we come to erroneously believe
that they represent us they are they
become the core identity our core
identity but the truth is that we absorb
all these things from the outside
they're external not internal and this
confusion between external and internal
has a lot to do with the initial phase
of narcissism in early childhood we'll
come to it in a few
minutes like everything Jewish this
video is divided in two parts first part
is tips and advice and the second part
is the academic background for these
tips and advice but who am I to give you
advice to start with my name is sakin
I'm the author of malignant self-love
narcissism Revisited I'm currently a
professor of Clinical Psychology and a
professor of business management cups in
Cambridge United Kingdom Ontario Canada
and Lagos
Nigeria and today's topic is the ego
ideal the tyranny of the ego ideal over
you over your lives over your behavior
over your choices over your decisions
and above all over your
relationships what on Earth is ego
ideal you could think of the ego ideal
is a container a container of all these
values and norms and beliefs that you
have absorbed from the environment that
you have appropriated and annexed from
other people
when you listen to your mother or father
or grandmother or grandfather or teacher
or influential peer or someone in the
media or someone in Show Business
someone you identify with someone you
admire someone you agulate someone you
wish to emulate and imitate when you
listen to these
people you tend to
absorb you tend to identify with a part
of their personality and it becomes
yours you're unable to tell the
difference between what came from the
outside and your own authentic voice is
this a good thing as far as Society is
concerned it is because it keeps you in
check it imbues you with inhibitions it
teaches you to behave appropriately in a
socially condoned
manner you become less antisocial
definitely not criminal more productive
you cooperate and collabor at you
produce and consume that's good for
society but is it good for you the
answer is less than
clear the ego ideal is the way you think
you should
be the way you think you should
become the way you think you ought to be
what you ought to be and what you should
be and what you should
become so the ego ideal is the self's
conception of how the self wishes to be
the ego ideal therefore has many
affinities with wishes with
fantasies and that's why we call it ego
ideal because it it has an idealized
unrealistic
nature the ego ideal is sometimes
synonymously used with the word super
ego but that's not entirely true
it was Freud who suggested that the ego
ideal be subsumed into the super ego but
he may have gone too
far there is a distinction between the
ego ideal and the super ego when you
behave in a way which conflicts with
your super ego you feel guilt because
your super ego is your
conscience but when you conflict when
you behave in a way which conflicts with
your ego ideal the outcome is shame not
guilt so guilt and shame the two
emotions that regulate your behavior
that dictate your choices and decisions
that provide you with internal
regulation that somehow keep you in
balance and in check and in control of
yourself and of your interpersonal
relationships and
interactions the ego
ideal the way you see yourself as a good
person is perfect is accomplished is
capable as skillful as talented as
lovable as worthy these are all elements
of the ego
ideal but the problem is when you
deviate and diverge from your view of
yourself as an ideal object when you
contradict your ego ideal when you
conflict with it when you behave in a
way which the ego ideal finds
unacceptable you're punished and you're
punished with
shame the fact is that your ego ideal is
not you it's definitely not your ego
it's someone else's ego it's your
mother's ego it's your father's ego it's
society's ego it's your teacher's ego
it's anyone's ego except for yours it's
not yours like
has dealt with it extensively in his
work as we shall see in the second part
of this video so because this ego ideal
is not yours it's an
imposition it's a
constraint it's a kind of
self-imposed self appropriated prison
it's a prison you inhabit throughout
your life for example the ego ideal
might tell you that you need to
socialize but not everyone is built to
social socialize the ego ideal might
tell you that you need to have academic
accomplishments but not everyone is
built to learn not everyone is built to
have relationships not everyone is built
to conform not everyone is built to work
hard some people are lazy I mean the ego
ideal is an engine of internal conflict
you measure yourself all the time
according to the standards and
expectations and demands of the ego IDE
and you inevitably and invariably come
short you are setting yourself up for
constant
failure and so what is the ego ideal
good for it's a source of motivation it
may even create ambition which is a
malignant form of
motivation it pushes you it pushes you
to do it pushes you to work it pushes
you to procreate it pushes you to
accomplish pushes you to accumulate
things it pushes you
ego ideal is used extensively in our
consumer
Society we compare ourselves to other
people and through this mechanism of
relative positioning we are motivated to
acquire to acquire possessions and
material objects to acquire people as if
they were Commodities to acquire
relationships to acquire status etc etc
acquisition the AC acquisitive Drive the
drive to consume is absolutely a
derivative of the ego ideal so as you
can see the ego ideal is very
tyrannical very
dictatorial if you wish to live in a way
that is authentic loyal to yourself you
need to throw off the shackles of the
ego ideal you have an image of how and
what you should be your ego
ideal and as I said your ideal ego sets
you up for failure because it imposes on
you expectations and standards and
demands that you find difficult to
meet rather than try to change who you
are in order to gratify or satisfy the
ego
ideal you would do much better to modify
your ego ideal don't change who you are
change your ego ideal rather than
attempt to motivate or incentive I or
coers other people to conform to your
unrealistic ego ideal change your ego
ideal the core advice here is do not
attempt to change your environment do
not try to change yourself instead
change the way you conceive of yourself
within your environment a way that is
highly narcissistic because it's highly
ideal highly perfect you're not perfect
you're not ideal and you're never likely
to be so so why don't you give up on
this internalized fantasy which emanated
from and came from its source was not
you but other people if you can't be
humble about your
shortcomings at least be realistic as to
your
limitations except that you cannot
control or even motivate other people
you you cannot sh change life in any
meaningful way you can you have a very
limited purview over your circumstances
the environment let alone the
future if you accept all these
limitations then you become
humble to believe otherwise is the
intoxicating manic phase of grandiosity
which is an integral part of the ego
ideal I think you should focus on who
you are rather than on who you should be
who you ought to be who you want to be
who you hope to be who you aspire to be
and who you try to be focus on who you
are you have strong suits you have
shortcomings you have possibilities and
potentials you have
limitations ask
yourself is socializing my strong suit
are relationships my strong suit
are academic accomplishments and studies
my strong point what are my strengths
and what are my weaknesses a SWAT
analysis strength
weaknesses and opportunities and threats
ask yourself of this question repeatedly
and when you discover a
discrepancy between what your ego ideal
is telling you and who you really are
choose who you really
are get rid of your ego ideal it's not
helpful exactly like the super ego it
imposes on you sometimes unrealistic
demands and expectations and it makes
you feel bad it could easily become an
internal enemy for example in the case
of pathological
narcissism always choose who you are
answer your questions with honesty
integrity and
perspicacity are you built to socialize
no I hate people don't
socialize are you built for academic
studies no I can't learn I can't focus I
don't have enough attention I'd rather
make money I'd rather be with beautiful
girls on the beach I don't want to study
don't
study relationships can you be in a
relationship no I dread intimacy I hate
proximity I need to be alone I need my
space I then don't have relationships
no one has a monopoly on how you should
behave no one has the secret code of the
universe these are all options and
potentials and it's a menu and you can
choose when you enter a restaurant you
don't choose every single item on the
menu that's preposterous and it would
set you up for failure because you would
not be able to eat everything same with
the ego ideal the ego ideal is a men of
a restaurant choose the items that cater
to your appetites your needs your urges
your desires and above all to your
essence to your quiddity to who you are
when you emphasize your relative
shortcomings rather than your relative
advantages it ends in Failure it ends in
paranoid ideation it ends in dejection
it ends in depression and anxiety why do
that to yourself
accept yourself as you are tell yourself
I am the best version of who I can be
how do I know that because I
am
ultimately we all make
choices we all make
decisions and we all become the way we
are because that's how we know best we
know no other way given the information
we have given our innate
capacities given our
limitations given our potentials this is
who we are this is what we become and
this is these are the decisions and
choices we can make no other so be
forgiving to yourself the ego ideal is
not forgiving it's harsh it's a harsh in
a Critic it's
punitive it's an internalized bed of
object in effect it's what used to be
called in psychoanalysis A Primitive
super ego get rid of it it's not helpful
it's not realistic it leads you nowhere
except to
heartbreak when you keep placing
yourself in impossible situations with
the wrong people just in order to meet
some criteria or satisfy some
expectations or realize some fantasies
this leads you to hyper vigilance this
leads you to defeat this leads you to a
compromise of your True
Values this leads you to the negation of
your core identity and ultimately to
paranoid ideation because you fully
expect failure and
Punishment one major sign if you're
authentic if you're true to yourself is
boredom if you you're bored you're not
being authentic you're not being true to
yourself you're trying to be someone
you're not you're trying to be someone
you can never be boredom is a major
indicator of mental health pathologies
such as narcissism such as psychopathy
such as borderline personality disorder
schizoid personality disorder literally
all personality disorders paranoid etc
etc bordom is a major
feature and bordom is a divorce between
your
authenticity and the world because when
you're authentic in the world you feel
alive and when you feel alive everything
around you is a
miracle your environment is a Wonder in
the making you can never be bored when
you are
yourself can never be bored when you are
yourself because there's a lot to
explore inwardly inside you and there's
even more to explore out outside you and
above all there's the exploration of the
interactions between who you are and
what the world is this is such an
infinite field of
possibilities and
eventualities and events and occurrences
that it leaves no place for
authenticity for I'm sorry for boredom
it's easy to understand imagine that I
force you to watch a movie the topic of
which is of no interest to you a movie
movie about something that you don't
care about you don't know anything about
and you never find interesting for
example imagine that you forced me to
watch a movie about sports I hate Sports
so of course I would be bored I would be
bored because watching a movie about
sports and Athletics is a betrayal of
who I am a betrayal of my authenticity
so I'm
bored but imagine that you forced me you
asked me to watch a movie about multiple
personality disorder of course I would
be
riveted I would be thrilled and excited
I would not feel boredom for a single
second why because there's a
correspondence between the world the
movie I'm watching and between who I
am so when your authentic self resonates
with the world when you are loyal to
yourself when you don't betray yourself
because of something your mother said
something your father expects or
something that Society imposes on you
when you are you and only you you know
the famous thing the truth the whole
truth and nothing but the truth you the
whole you and nothing but you when you
are this when you have sworn in the
court in your inner Court when you have
sworn to be you the whole you and
nothing but you at that point you will
never be bored again
because everything in the world around
you in your environment will resonate
with who you are and these resonances so
colorful so kaleidoscopic so
unpredictable so thrilling and so
exciting that they leave no place for
bordom bordom is a major indicator that
you're doing something wrong it's a sign
that you're not challenging yourself
enough that you don't know yourself at
all that you have no long-term plan or
vision of yourself which corresponds to
reality or that you are highly insecure
about who you are you don't trust
yourself to be able to accomplish your
goals for example you don't believe that
you could be
self-efficacious the minute you aboard
the minute you aboard you should embark
on soul searching should get to know
yourself better and then you should
throw away all the artificial and
superficial constraints restraints
demands
expectations edicts laws regulations
rules that don't apply to you be
yourself and do not use your culture or
your
Society its moral and Norms don't use
these as an excuse to abuse
yourself culture is no excuse for
abuse one's culture and one's Society in
one's period in history in one's
location and more generally one's
external circumstances are
never never excuses for the abuse of
others or for
self-abuse anyone abuses you you cut
them off don't you if your ego ideal
abuses you cut it off no contact ignore
it reframe it rewrite it tell yourself
my ego ideal tells me that I should be
married and have a family but that's not
me so I'm going to revise my ego ideal
and my new ego ideal the ego the new ego
ideal that is that is coherent and
cohesive and resonates with me in my new
ego ideal the ideal would be to live
alone and to be single because that's
who I truly
am the need for a relationship to get
married to have a family that's not me
that's my mother that's my father that's
my Society that's my culture that's not
me who am
I I am a lone wolf I'm skitso I hate
people I hate relationship I love my
space I love my time if this is who you
are modify your ego ideal make this your
IDE ideal state if on the other hand you
find that there is a correspondence
between your ego ideal and who you truly
are then of course do not revise and do
not modify the ego ideal maybe getting
married and having a family would make
you very happy because that's who you
truly are go for it pursue it accomplish
it lucky other people whose ego
ideal reflects perfectly who they are
lucky other people whose view of
themselves in the future corresponds
perfectly to their capacities and
actions in the present these are the
lucky few but in the overwhelming vast
majority of people as Jean Paul SRA and
prior to him kod had observed in the
overwhelming majority of people there is
self-
betrayal self- betrayal people sacrifice
themselves just to satisfy the
expectations of society as mediated via
parental figures teachers and Role
Models this is social learning
theory so anyone manipulates or coerces
you into doing something anyone
manipulates or coerces you into being
someone you obviously walk away you undo
what you have done you become
you but rest assure
no one can manipulate you worse than you
can manipulate
yourself no one can harm you more than
you can harm
yourself no one can coer you into
dysfunctional self-defeating
self-destructive Behavior more than you
can do you are your worst enemy but
you're also your best friend choose your
best friend over your worst
enemy sometimes your worst enemy is
society itself and its
agents not in the sense that you have to
be antisocial or of course not criminal
because to be antisocial and to be
criminal is a form of
self-destructiveness it's a form of
self-defeat actually we could have an
ego
ideal which says I am
self-sufficient I am an enemy of people
I am going to hurt people I'm going to
be abusive I'm going to ex power of the
people you could have an ego ideal Adolf
Hitler had such an ego ideal for
example
so when in your quest for
authenticity you exclude
options that harm other people and you
exclude options that lead to self harm
to self mtil mutilation to self-
negation to self-defeat and to self
destructiveness these masquerade as
authenticity they're not they're
masochistic punitive internal objects
that hate your guts and want you dead
this is known as the Primitive super ego
the internalized bad
object never use your culture or your
society as an alibi as an excuse to not
do the right thing and there is only one
right thing to do in life
how simple is it be yourself
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