Will I Ever Find "The One"?

Summary

Father Mike Schmitz challenges the concept of 'the one' in relationships, arguing that there isn't a perfect soulmate destined to fulfill all one's happiness. He shares how this mindset can lead to indecision and dissatisfaction. Instead, he emphasizes that marriage is about self-giving love and growth, rather than personal fulfillment. Ultimately, the only true 'one' we are meant to be with is Jesus, whose love is the foundation of true fulfillment. Schmitz encourages viewers to focus on their relationship with Jesus as the key to a meaningful life.

Takeaways

• 🐿️ Father Mike Schmitz begins with a humorous anecdote about being distracted by a squirrel, setting a light-hearted tone for the discussion.
• 💍 He discusses the common romantic notion of 'the one', questioning whether there is truly one perfect person for everyone.
• 🙅‍♂️ Father Mike asserts that there isn't just one person out there who can complete you, challenging the traditional idea of a soulmate.
• 🤔 He shares a personal story of a priest suggesting that there could be multiple people one could marry and be happy with, which initially seemed unromantic but later made sense.
• 🧠 Father Mike emphasizes the importance of using your intellect and will in making decisions, including choosing a spouse.
• 🚫 He warns against the idea that there is one perfect choice out there, which can lead to 'analysis paralysis' and indecision.
• 👖 He references Barry Schwartz's 'Paradox of Choice', illustrating how an abundance of options can decrease satisfaction with the choices we make.
• 🤝 Father Mike suggests that marriage is not about finding the perfect partner for personal fulfillment, but about self-donation and mutual growth.
• 💔 The concept of a soulmate can be harmful because it sets unrealistic expectations for marriage and happiness.
• ❤️ The ultimate fulfillment and purpose in life, according to Father Mike, is not found in another person but in one's relationship with Jesus.

Q & A

What is Father Mike Schmitz's perspective on the concept of 'the one'?

Father Mike Schmitz suggests that the concept of 'the one' is both 'no' and 'yes'. He believes that there isn't one specific person out there that will guarantee your happiness, but there could be multiple people with whom you could have a fulfilling relationship.

What did Father Mike Schmitz's college chaplain tell him about marriage?

Father Mike Schmitz's college chaplain told him that there were probably about fifteen women in his life that he could have married and been just as happy with as anyone else, implying that there isn't a single 'the one'.

How does Father Mike Schmitz think the concept of 'the one' can affect our happiness and holiness?

He believes that the pursuit of 'the one' can lead to analysis paralysis and reduce our satisfaction with our decisions. This can not only affect our happiness but also our holiness, as it distracts us from using our intellect and will to make decisions.

What is the 'Paradox of Choice' mentioned by Father Mike Schmitz?

The 'Paradox of Choice' is a concept presented by sociologist Barry Schwartz, which suggests that having too many options can lead to indecision and dissatisfaction, as people may always think a better option exists.

Why does Father Mike Schmitz argue that the concept of 'the one' can lead to analysis paralysis?

He argues that if one believes there is only one perfect person out there, the pressure to find that person and avoid all other potential partners can lead to indecision and a fear of making the wrong choice.

What does Father Mike Schmitz say about the role of intellect and will in choosing a spouse?

He states that God gave us a brain and a will, expecting us to use them to discern and choose our spouse, rather than relying on the idea of a predestined 'soulmate'.

How does Father Mike Schmitz define marriage?

Father Mike Schmitz defines marriage as a place where individuals go to 'die' to themselves out of love for their spouse, becoming the person they are called to be and helping their spouse do the same.

What is the main purpose of marriage according to Father Mike Schmitz?

According to Father Mike Schmitz, the main purpose of marriage is not self-fulfillment but self-donation and self-giving.

Who does Father Mike Schmitz identify as 'the one' that we are made for?

Father Mike Schmitz identifies Jesus as 'the one' that we are made for, emphasizing that our hearts should beat for Him.

What question does Father Mike Schmitz pose to the audience about their relationship with Jesus?

Father Mike Schmitz asks the audience if they have talked to 'You're the one' (referring to Jesus) today and encourages them to give their heart to Him.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Myth of 'The One'

Father Mike Schmitz discusses the concept of 'the one,' a popular idea that there is a single person destined for each individual. He shares his own past fascination with this notion and then challenges it by recounting a conversation with a priest who suggested that there could be multiple suitable partners for marriage. Father Mike argues that the belief in 'the one' can lead to analysis paralysis and reduce personal happiness and holiness. He emphasizes the importance of using one's intellect and will to make decisions about relationships and life choices, rather than relying on the idea of a predestined soulmate.

05:02

💍 Redefining Marriage and Love

Father Mike Schmitz shifts the conversation from the pursuit of 'the one' to a deeper understanding of marriage and love. He clarifies that marriage is not about personal fulfillment but about selfless giving and dying to oneself for the sake of the spouse. He suggests that the concept of 'the one' distracts from the true purpose of marriage, which is to support each other in becoming the best versions of themselves. Father Mike then redirects the idea of 'the one' to Jesus, emphasizing that the ultimate fulfillment and purpose in life comes from a relationship with God, not a romantic partner.

Keywords

💡The One

The concept of 'The One' refers to the idea of a single soulmate or perfect partner destined to fulfill and complete someone in marriage. Father Mike Schmitz challenges this belief, suggesting that while we may have great connections with people, there isn’t just one perfect match. This concept drives the video's main message, that marriage is not about finding personal fulfillment but about self-giving and sacrifice.

💡Soulmate

A 'soulmate' is the belief that there is one person in the world destined to be your perfect match. In the video, this concept is debunked by Father Mike, who argues that the idea of a soulmate can create unrealistic expectations, leading to dissatisfaction in relationships. He emphasizes that marriage is not about finding someone who 'completes' you, but about choosing to love and sacrifice for another.

💡Freedom to Choose

Father Mike emphasizes that God gives us the freedom to choose our spouse and vocation. This freedom is an essential part of human will and intellect, allowing us to make decisions based on what is right. This ties into the theme that there is no preordained 'one' for us, but rather we are free to use our minds and hearts to decide who we will marry.

💡Analysis Paralysis

Analysis paralysis refers to the state of overthinking a decision to the point where no action is taken. In the video, Father Mike mentions this in the context of searching for 'the one,' where having too many choices leads to difficulty in making decisions, resulting in dissatisfaction. This reflects the paradox of choice, where the more options we have, the harder it becomes to feel content with any one decision.

💡Paradox of Choice

The paradox of choice is a sociological concept discussed in the video, where having too many options can lead to dissatisfaction and anxiety. Father Mike uses this to explain how searching for the perfect spouse or making the 'perfect' decision in life can result in unhappiness. He contrasts this with the idea of accepting good options rather than holding out for perfection.

💡Self-Giving

Self-giving refers to the act of sacrificing oneself for the good of another, a key theme in Father Mike’s explanation of marriage. He contrasts self-giving with self-fulfillment, arguing that marriage is about giving yourself to your spouse and helping them become the best version of themselves, rather than seeking your own personal happiness. This reflects the Christian view of love and sacrifice.

💡Self-Fulfillment

Self-fulfillment is the pursuit of one's own happiness and personal gratification. Father Mike argues against seeing marriage as a means of self-fulfillment, emphasizing instead that marriage is a call to die to oneself for the sake of the other. This contrasts worldly views of marriage, where it is often seen as a way to achieve happiness and completeness through another person.

💡Marriage

In the video, Father Mike redefines marriage not as a 'personal fulfillment project' but as a journey of self-sacrifice and growth. He states that marriage is where 'good people go to die'—not physically, but to die to themselves in order to love and serve their spouse. This ties into the broader Christian understanding of marriage as a vocation of love and service, rather than personal satisfaction.

💡Jesus as 'The One'

Father Mike concludes the video by shifting the idea of 'the one' from a romantic context to a spiritual one, stating that Jesus is 'The One' who truly completes us.

Highlights

Father Mike discusses the idea of 'the one' in relationships, stating that there is no such thing as a single person destined to make you completely happy.

He shares a personal experience from college, where a chaplain mentioned that there were multiple people he could have married and been equally happy with.

Father Mike emphasizes that believing in 'the one' can lead to 'analysis paralysis'—making it hard to make any decisions, including finding a spouse.

He introduces the idea that God gave people a brain and free will, meaning they have the freedom to choose their spouse and vocation without needing to find 'the one.'

The idea of a soul mate, according to Father Mike, can reduce both happiness and holiness by fostering unrealistic expectations.

Father Mike refers to Barry Schwartz’s 'Paradox of Choice,' explaining how having too many options can make it difficult to be satisfied with any choice.

He uses the example of buying jeans to illustrate how in a world of many choices, people can become dissatisfied with anything that isn't perfect, even if it's good.

Father Mike argues that marriage is not about finding someone who will fulfill you perfectly, but about mutual self-giving and helping each other grow in holiness.

He emphasizes that marriage is a place where people 'die to themselves' for the sake of their spouse and become who they are called to be.

The concept of marriage is reframed as a call to self-donation rather than self-gratification or personal fulfillment.

Father Mike reminds listeners that the only 'one' they are made for is Jesus, and that true fulfillment comes from a relationship with Him.

He poses the question of whether listeners have spoken to 'the one'—Jesus—today, urging them to give their heart to Him.

Father Mike’s closing statement emphasizes that Jesus is the true source of meaning and purpose in life, not a human relationship.

He encourages viewers to focus on their relationship with Jesus as the foundation for all other relationships.

The overall message stresses the importance of making choices based on faith, love, and commitment, rather than searching for an idealized version of happiness.

Transcripts

Sorry, distracted. Squirrel! There literally is a squirrel right out there. So that's kind of funny

Hi, my name's Father Mike Schmitz, and this is Ascension Presents, so

the one.

If you are someone who would like to get married you probably have dreams of the one.

I remember being kind of captivated by that, by this idea back, you know,

back when I was dating, before the seminary, the idea of like is there that one person out there?

You know what "the one" is right? "The one" is that one person out there that you're made for, your soul mate, the person that

you're destined to find, you're meant to find, and if you find this person you're going to be

exceedingly and excessively happy and fulfilled for the rest of your life.

This is the person that like the Jerry Maguire, this is an old reference from maybe the last millennia,

I might even be the "You complete me" that kind of a thing, right?

Is there such a thing as "the one"? Well answer: No ... and yes. Let's get into that.

I remember when I was in college. Our college chaplain is a priest and at one point

I remember him telling me. He said yeah, you know they were there probably about fifteen women that I know

in my life that I could have married and been just as happy with as

with anyone else. I was like, "What? Are you kidding me?" He's like, "No, absolutely not."

And I remember at the moment at that moment thinking like that is so unromantic, and I thought about it

and I've been thinking about it a lot since then and it's totally true. There is no such thing as "the one".

Here's what I mean by this: Because there is not this one person out there that unless I find them

I will never be completely fulfilled, that if I do find them then my life will be just in happily ever after a kind of

a thing. And here's the thing: We could work ourselves up into such a frenzy,

thinking that there is such a thing as the one out there and

it reduces

not only our happiness. I think it reduces our holiness. Here's what I mean: God gave you a brain and

because of that he expects you to use it, which means what? Which means—so all right —he gave your brain, expects you to use it and

he gave you a will; he expects you to use that as well. So he gives us a brain to

know what's right

and wrong, to find out that, to discover that; to learn that, and then he gave us a will to choose

the right and to choose against the wrong. And

in that, he gives us a bunch of freedom. He gives a bunch of freedom: The freedom to choose

your spouse, the freedom ...

He in some way in some sense even freedom to choose to choose your vocation. If I base my decisions off of this idea that

somewhere out there, there's this one person the soulmate ...

Now is there people that you have a great affinity to with? Absolutely. Are there people out there

that you can have like a best friend? Absolutely. Is it possible for you to one day marry your best friend?

Absolutely. That is a kind of a thing sometimes people get to do—that's awesome. That's wonderful.

That's fantastic.

But the idea of the soul mate, the idea that there's one person out there that if you find them you'll be as perfectly

maximally happy and if you don't find them you will not be quite as perfectly maximally happy

"maximumilly?" "maximumly" "max-"

I don't know, here's a problem with it. First problem with it is this:

We get analysis paralysis. If you think that there's one person out there that you cannot miss and there's a good

seven billion, I guess others that possibly ... or actually probably half that, so three and a half billion, because you know

Three and a half billion other people out there that you better not marry

or else you won't be as happy, then how can you possibly decide?

It's the same thing when it comes to like choosing a college, choosing a major, choosing a job. It's like, OK

no, I need to find the perfect college the perfect major the perfect job that will make me absolutely

perfectly happy and if I don't do this

I'll be completely

unfulfilled for the rest of my life.

Or at least I won't be as happy as I possibly could be, and so what happens is you don't make any decisions.

Why? Because you need to make the perfect decision. That translates into the second thing:

Our satisfaction with our decision—if there's such a thing as the one, if there's such a thing as the perfect decision,

our satisfaction with the decision we make is greatly reduced

There's man named Barry Schwartz. He's a sociologist.

He has a presentation called the "Paradox of Choice"

and in it, he talks about how choice is great thing, choice is an exercise of our free will and of our intellect and it's

a really good thing.

It's great to have choices because then it's an expression and exercise of that ... what we've got as human beings, an intellect and a will.

But he says that at a certain point we run into a problem.

With so many choices out there

we start thinking that somewhere out there, there's the perfect choice. He gives the great example of choosing

jeans, you know, a pair of jeans, blue jeans.

He says you go to the store

and you've got Lee's and Wranglers and maybe Levi's, and they all are basically cut the same way and you find ... kind of basically find

your inseam and your waist, and you bring them home and they fit OK, because that's how jeans fit.

They fit OK, but now you go to the store

and there's this whole wall of all these different kinds of styles, and cuts and brands and all these kind of things and you think

that if I can find the perfect pair of jeans,

that's what they're gonna be. They're going to be the perfect pair of jeans. They're gonna fit me absolutely perfectly.

There's no pair of jeans that could possibly fit better, but you get home, try them on and they fit. They fit well,

they fit fine, but that's a problem because in a world of perfect, fine isn't good enough, and

in the world of perfect, good isn't good enough.

And if we translate that or bring that into the idea of out there somewhere is the one person that if I find them

they're the perfect one.

Well if I marry someone who's not the perfect one, they're good, but in the world of the perfect the good isn't good enough.

There's no such thing as "the one" out there

because here's the last piece:

Because I think looking for the one is

... is a misunderstanding of what marriage is supposed to be.

Marriage isn't my own giant personal fulfillment project, or if I find that one person, then I'll be

maximally, optimally,

perfectly happy.

Marriage is

the place—I've always said this—marriage is the place where good people are called to die.

Marriage is where good people go to die

to themselves out of love for someone else to

become the man or woman they're called to be, and help their spouse become the man or woman that they're called to be.

So marriage is not about self fulfillment. Marriage is about self donation.

Marriage isn't about self gratification.

It's about self giving.

It's Jesus.

Who is the one person you're made for? Who's the one heart that your heart is meant to beat for?

Who is the one person that unless you meet them your life will not you will not be fulfilled?

The one person, unless you encounter them and give your life to them and live life with them,

then life will be essentially meaningless? That person is Jesus.

He is "You're the one."

And his heart beats for you.

Does your heart beat for him?

Here's the question.

Have you talked to "You're the one" today?

Maybe give him your heart today.

From all us here at Ascension Presents, my name is Father Mike. God bless