Unmasking masculinity -- helping boys become connected men | Ryan McKelley | TEDxUWLaCrosse
Summary
TLDRThe speaker discusses the importance of emotional connection, particularly for men and boys, highlighting how societal norms often suppress their emotional expression. He uses historical examples and personal stories to illustrate the negative impacts of masking emotions and argues for the redefinition of masculinity to include vulnerability and openness. The talk concludes with a call to action for individuals to embrace vulnerability and courage in their daily lives to foster deeper connections.
Takeaways
- ๐ **Emotional Masking**: Men are often socialized to mask their emotions, leading to a disconnection with their own feelings and others.
- ๐ฅ **Importance of Connection**: The presenter emphasizes the significance of social connectedness for mental and physical health.
- ๐ถ **Early Emotional Development**: Infant boys are naturally expressive, but societal norms often suppress this as they grow older.
- ๐น **Gendered Emotional Expression**: Cultural norms dictate that men should primarily express anger, contempt, and pride, while women are allowed a wider range of emotions.
- ๐ง **Emotional Awareness**: Suppressing emotions can lead to a decreased ability to detect and respond to emotional cues in oneself and others.
- ๐ **Social Isolation and Health**: Social isolation is a significant risk factor for cardiovascular disease, highlighting the importance of social connection.
- ๐ **Turning Points**: Personal and professional turning points can lead to a shift in perspective and approach to emotional expression and connection.
- ๐จโโ๏ธ **Therapeutic Journey**: The presenter shares a client's journey from emotional suppression to expression, illustrating the benefits of vulnerability.
- ๐จโ๐ง **Personal Reflection**: The presenter reflects on personal experiences with emotional expression and the missed opportunities for connection.
- ๐ **Cultural Shift**: Small changes in behavior and attitude can lead to a broader cultural shift towards accepting emotional vulnerability in men.
- ๐ช **Call to Action**: The presenter encourages the audience to take small risks to be more vulnerable and emotionally open to foster deeper connections.
Q & A
What is the main theme of the talk?
-The main theme of the talk is the exploration of connections between masculinity and social connectedness, and how societal norms affect men's emotional expression.
Why does the speaker mention the historical experiment involving infants conducted by Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II?
-The speaker mentions the experiment to illustrate the importance of social connection for survival and healthy development, as the infants who were denied social interaction died within weeks.
What does the speaker suggest about the emotional expressiveness of infant boys compared to infant girls?
-The speaker suggests that infant boys are actually more expressive in both range and intensity than infant girls.
What changes occur in boys' emotional expression as they age?
-As boys age, particularly around the age of six, their emotional expression starts to diverge from girls, and they become more restricted in their emotional display.
What is the 'male emotional funnel system' referred to in the script?
-The 'male emotional funnel system' is a concept suggesting that men are socialized to suppress a wide range of vulnerable emotions and express primarily anger and aggression.
What role does the speaker believe emotional suppression plays in men's social connections?
-The speaker believes that emotional suppression impairs men's ability to connect with their own emotional states and with others, leading to less compassion and joy in their lives.
What is the professional turning point the speaker shares about his work with a male client?
-The professional turning point is when the speaker realizes the importance of helping men connect with their emotions after witnessing a client break down after 25 years of not crying.
What personal experience does the speaker recount to highlight the challenges of emotional vulnerability for men?
-The speaker recounts a personal experience where he almost hid his tears from his daughter, reflecting on the missed opportunity to model emotional vulnerability for her.
What two simple tips does the speaker suggest to help men become more emotionally open?
-The speaker suggests eliminating phrases that enforce gendered emotional norms and redefining what it means to be courageous by embracing vulnerability.
What is the speaker's final message to the audience?
-The speaker's final message is to encourage the audience to be courageous, be vulnerable, and take small risks to make deeper connections in their lives.
How does the speaker use the anecdote about the boys trick-or-treating to illustrate his point?
-The speaker uses the anecdote to show that boys can naturally express care and concern for each other, challenging the stereotype that men must suppress emotions to be strong.
Outlines
๐ The Mask of Masculinity
The speaker begins by emphasizing the recurring theme of connection at the event and proceeds to discuss the intersection of masculinity and social connectedness. They acknowledge the challenge of discussing men's issues, pointing out the need to hold two truths: the reality of men's violence and the majority of men being non-violent, decent individuals. The speaker introduces a historical anecdote about the Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II's experiment with infants, highlighting the importance of social connection for survival and development. The narrative then shifts to the present, discussing how societal norms encourage men to mask their emotions, leading to a disconnection with their own feelings and others', which can have serious implications for mental and physical health.
๐น Boys Don't Cry? Rethinking Emotional Expression
The speaker challenges stereotypes about male emotionality, citing research that shows infant boys are more expressive than girls. They discuss how societal expectations change as boys grow older, leading to a divergence in emotional expression between genders. A study is mentioned that lists culturally acceptable emotions for men and women in the U.S., suggesting that men are allowed to express anger, contempt, and pride, while women have a broader range of acceptable emotions. The speaker argues that despite external differences, men and women have similar internal emotional responses, but societal pressures lead men to suppress a wide range of emotions, which can affect their ability to connect with others.
๐ข The Emotional Funnel: From Vulnerability to Anger
The speaker introduces the concept of the 'male emotional funnel,' explaining how boys are socialized to suppress vulnerable emotions and express anger instead. They share a personal story of a male client with a history of violence who was resistant to expressing vulnerability. Through therapy, the client eventually broke down and cried for the first time in 25 years, illustrating the transformative power of emotional expression. The speaker reflects on his own emotional suppression and a missed opportunity to model vulnerability for his daughter, emphasizing the importance of recognizing and challenging societal norms around men's emotional expression.
๐ช Courage to be Vulnerable: Encouraging Emotional Authenticity
The speaker concludes by advocating for social change, encouraging individuals to make small changes in their lives to embrace vulnerability and authenticity. He suggests eliminating gendered phrases that enforce emotional suppression and redefining courage to include emotional openness. The speaker shares an anecdote of boys showing care and concern for each other, challenging his own expectations of how boys should behave. He encourages the audience to be courageous, vulnerable, and to take small risks to form deeper connections, arguing that this can lead to a cultural shift towards accepting and valuing emotional authenticity in men.
Mindmap
Keywords
๐กTurning Points
๐กConnection
๐กMasculinity
๐กEmotional Masking
๐กEmpirical Question
๐กFailure to Thrive
๐กSocial Isolation
๐กEmotional Expression
๐กMale Emotional Funnel
๐กVulnerability
๐กCourage
Highlights
The importance of connection in human life is a recurring theme among presenters.
Men's issues are often challenging to discuss due to the need to balance competing truths.
Men are more often perpetrators of physical violence, but most are not violent and strive to be decent.
The tendency to focus on extremes leads to a misunderstanding of the typical behavior of men.
Christian Hopkins' photography project documents his struggle with depression as a form of therapy.
Boys are socialized to mask their emotions, which can lead to negative health outcomes.
The historical experiment by Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II highlights the importance of social connection.
Social connection is crucial for health, reducing health complications and improving development.
Twin pygmy marmosets demonstrate attachment and caregiving behaviors in the animal kingdom.
Social isolation is a significant risk factor for cardiovascular disease, similar to smoking.
Boys are more expressive than girls in infancy, but social norms suppress this as they age.
Cultural norms dictate which emotions are acceptable for men and women to display.
Biological measures show that men and women experience emotions similarly, despite social expectations.
The 'male emotional funnel' concept suggests men are taught to narrow their emotional range.
Suppressing emotions can lead to a lack of connection with oneself and others.
A personal story illustrates the challenge of embracing vulnerability in men.
The presenter shares a turning point in his professional life involving a male client's emotional breakthrough.
The presenter's personal experience ofๅทฎ็น้่ฟๅๅฅณๅฟๅฑ็คบ่ๅผฑๆง็ๆบไผใ
The need for social changes that allow men to express emotions without judgment.
Two simple tips are offered to help men embrace vulnerability and emotional expression.
An anecdote about young boys demonstrating care and concern for each other challenges stereotypes.
The presenter concludes with a call to action to be courageous and vulnerable for deeper connections.
Transcripts
you
I find it remarkable that we were all
asked as presenters to come here and
talk about turning points and if you
were paying attention you'll notice that
almost every single one talked in some
way about connection whether that was
connecting through others through
disconnecting with technology or
connecting at the dinner table or even
connecting with their own bodies so I'm
going to continue that discussion today
and talk about connections between
masculinity and social connectedness
I've been doing this long enough to
realize that talking about men's issues
can be a challenge right oftentimes we
talk about things that men do we have to
be able to hold two competing truths in
our head at the same time so well it
might be true that men are more often
perpetrate acts of physical violence
it's also true that most boys and men
are not physically violent in fact most
of us are trying to get through life as
good decent human beings but the problem
is we tend to focus on the extremes we
miss what's going on in between I came
across this image the other day I think
it there's no there's no better one out
there to talk about masking emotions
this individuals name is Christian
Hopkins he just released a conceptual
photography project on Flickr the
documents his struggles with depression
and found this far more therapeutic than
seeing any therapist alright so today
I'm going to talk about how we socialize
boys and men to mask their emotions now
ten years ago I made a career change to
get into this field I never would have
predicted that I'd be up here talking
about men and masculinity and that's
what I'd be teaching right in fact when
I start my clinical work there weren't a
lot of men in my program and I remember
actively resisting being the man
therapists right that everybody referred
their male clients to but we're talking
about turning points so today I want to
share historical professional and
personal ones that have led me to this
point so I want to begin with a little
known historical turning point that
happened about 800 years ago in 13th
century Europe now at that time the holy
roman emperor frederick ii of germany i
was in power it was known to be
uncharacteristically scientifically
minded for a pope during the Middle Ages
he was curious about what the natural
language of God would be as we wondered
if we didn't speak to infants they
didn't hear adult language what would
just emerge
actually and really this is an empirical
question you can put this to a test and
back at that time he thought you being
what he was he thought it might be
Hebrew as the first language or could be
Latin or Greek I suspect there were
European kings elsewhere who might beg
to differ right but at that time in
history it was not uncommon for women to
die during childbirth and so these
infants would be raising these large
orphanages by wet nurses so he devised a
simple experiment took about 20 infants
and these are the instructions all they
were to be was to have their basic needs
met fed clothed diapers changed under no
circumstances where the caregivers
allowed to interact with them talk with
them cuddle play do all the things that
we expect with infants the experiment
was a dismal failure by accounts written
by a monk at the time all of them are
dead within several weeks now you and I
might know this is failure to thrive in
modern day we know the importance of
connection so much so even neonatal
intensive care units have changed their
practices from 50 years ago right now
the encourage contact between the parent
and the sensitive children because it
reduces health complications and
decreases time spent in hospital and
improves development across the board
alright so we learned from that story
about the richness important of social
connection and after that I have to show
you this picture right so you feel good
you know speaking about emotional
attachment these are twin pygmy
marmosets who are born in twin pairs and
the metabolic challenge is so great by
the mother to feed them that the males
often have to kick in and do a
substantial amount of caregiving so much
so that even non-related males will come
in and they'll carry these babies around
all right this is attachment at its
finest and that's what I'm going to talk
about today and I want to make some
arguments that you know we socialize
boys away from attachment now back to
the story of about the importance of
connection in both physical and mental
health I'm willing to bet if I pull the
audience right now and asks you with the
primary risk factors for cardiovascular
disease or I think in short order we'd
come up with the usual suspects right
inactivity hypertension cholesterol
smoking right if you're not familiar
with relative risk what this means is if
you are somebody who smokes
you are two-and-a-half times more likely
to develop CV disease and somebody who
doesn't smoke
all right this is our conventional
understanding of health now upwards of
30 years or so of epidemiological
research has found another culprit and
this might surprise some of you social
isolation people who are socially
isolated are three times or almost three
times more likely to develop
cardiovascular disease that somebody who
is socially connected now this is not an
abstract idea this is not me with a
political or religious ideology this is
not new ageism we have study after study
after study this shows us very clear
evidence on the role of social
connectedness now what does this have to
do with men and boys and men all right
some of you might hold the stereotype
and maybe some of you might uphold the
stereotype of men being less emotional
than women are being stoic or the
favorite phrase boys don't cry I'm here
to suggest otherwise and actually
research suggests infant boys are
actually more expressive in both range
and intensity than infant females and
interestingly if you watch a group of
two or three year olds at play both boys
and girls you see this wide range of
negative and positive emotions it's
actually kind of hard to distinguish
between the two because they're so
similar but the stories start to to
change over time right around age six
and they get into kindergarten these
paths start to diverge now if we
fast-forward into adolescence the young
adulthood we start to see a new pattern
this is one of my favorite photos
colleague of mine at Clark University by
name of Michael Addis his father took
this on a street corner in Oklahoma back
in the 50s I think you and I can what
this guy's feeling right and there's
probably some pretty good rules about
what he's allowed to show and what he's
not allowed to show and that's we're
gonna be talking about today now there
was a recent study actually a series of
them that looked at an ask men and women
in America and it was kind of equal
representation of European American
african-american Asian American they
wanted them to generate a list and then
rate emotions that are culturally
acceptable for men and women here in the
United States and at the end of that the
results suggested that men were allowed
to display these three emotions at
greater rates anger contempt and pride
whereas women were allowed to experience
joy compassion sympathy fear and a host
of other ones
now we're talking about emotional
expression at this point right but that
doesn't tell the whole story if we hook
these same individuals up to equipment
that can measure our autonomic nervous
system responses and these are the
things that we once thought we couldn't
control like heart rate you know skin
conductance sweat muscle tension breath
rate and then we expose them to stimuli
that can evoke or elicit strong emotions
these gender differences disappear so
we're not so different on the inside but
it's very clear that we have some
differences expected on the outside what
happened or what's happening to
employees and men back in 1987 so we
know the name of long came up with this
male emotional funnel system so we all
come into the world with a full range of
vulnerable emotions you can see some of
them there behind me fear shame but over
time we teach our boys to reach annal
them into anger and aggression and it's
not that we like these displays but we
tolerate them and sometimes even accept
them in our men but what you don't know
and you don't see is that half second
before anger came and I'm going to make
the argument this is the true primary
emotion all right if we feel shame anger
rises up to defend against it all right
so I'm really interested in what's
happening in that moment right before
this is Christian Hopkins again with
this remarkable photo or we teach boys
it is not okay to be vulnerable it's not
okay to be hurt right but it's okay to
cover that up with either anger or
silence the problem with that is if we
take that over the lifespan the more we
do that the less connected we are with
our own emotional states and we can
actually lose our ability to detect
those subtle changes in our emotions and
if we extend it one more layer we also
then over time lose or impair our
ability to detect those and respond to
those in others as well so now we've
really created a problem when two people
are supposed to be interacting now it's
not all about well actually one thing I
want to ask you I want you think about
the person in your life non family
member who's closest to you how do they
go from being a complete stranger to
being somebody whom you trust chances
are over time there's that reciprocal
vulnerability or you finally that you
found somebody
for whom you could be yourself you have
to worry about that judgment but it's
not all about negative emotions it turns
out those same people who stilt those
knave emotions report less compassion
joy and all these other things these
positive things that we take for granted
right as part of the human experience
and as psychologists we call that making
a pact with the devil right you can't
get one without the other
now what's remarkable be a human being
is we have this giant forebrain and we
can make these decisions we can say you
know what you know I just broke up this
individual I'm never going to get hurt
again I'm never going to be vulnerable
never going to show weakness but when we
do so we end up muting our experiences
on both ends and then that makes it
harder to connect with people my next
turning point is a professional one so I
had a male client as late 30s came to
his first session just angry aggressive
a history of violence I didn't want to
work with him I from write right off the
bat I knew that but a couple sessions in
I found out he had just an incredibly
tragic trauma history he himself had
been a victim of severe physical abuse
he had perpetrated physical abuse kid
poly substance addiction had declared
bankruptcy several failed relationships
but all he ever showed was anger there
was no hurt there was no sadness and
just anger every time in the couple
sessions and he said to me you know what
I know what you're trying to get me to
do and I'm not going to do it I haven't
cried in 25 years and I'm not going to
start now
I said look to be honest with you I
don't care whether you cry or not but my
goal is to help you get in touch with
what you're experiencing and if that
involves crying then so be it
I said I wasn't really curious I said so
what do you find so aversive about the
idea of crying and he looked me straight
in the eye dead serious and said I'm
afraid that if I start I'm going to
crawl up in a fetal position and never
be able to stop so so that told me he
was well aware of what he was masking in
controlling that situation now you can
probably suspect where the story is
going to go right eight about eight
weeks after that came in we're having a
session
and all of a sudden the tides change and
here he was and he just wept wept openly
for the first time in 25 years in front
of a man no less right there was no
anger there was no shame
it was just calmness and stillness and I
was actually very emotionally moved as
well and at the end of it he kind of you
know once it was kind of all over he
looked really relaxed and he looked up
to me and he kind of smile and he goes
huh now I see why people do that right
but I had a little turning point then I
said you know what if being the man
therapist means that I can be part of
this journey with these individuals then
you know sign me up this is something I
want to do professionally now another
thing it's easy to challenge these norms
I study this stuff I teach I research it
I encourage my male clients to do it
right but I stumble with it all the time
so my next story is a personal one so a
couple years ago a colleague had sent me
a link to a photo project called days
with my father on days with my father
calm Philip Toledano is a uk-based
photojournalist and he chronicled his
father's struggle with Alzheimer's
disease so I'm here at my kitchen table
tears streaming down my face I was alone
so it was okay and I heard my daughter
you know say Papa you know time for dub
time and so my gut reaction was to shut
this thing down right wipe my eyes and I
start rationalizing it's like oh you
know what she's never seen me cry it's
gonna confuse her I might freak her out
I don't know explain this so I went on
we had our normal evening later that
night I was lying in bed and saying oh
my gosh you know I just missed this
opportunity you know it could been a
teachable moment say a daddies cry too
and she could get that I mean she would
understand you know she cries and the
lights were too bright in the morning
when I wake her up right but I had kind
of put myself in check and I missed that
and so I want to ask you all you know
how many opportunities have we missed
with men in our lives to be vulnerable
and be honest there but I find a
fascinating irony in this men's issue
stuff because men are also I tend to
score higher on risk-taking behaviors
and women strive myself to a kite in a
surfboard sign me up
right do whatever these guys are doing
the swinging fool no yes please
going out with your best friend
putting arm in the shoulder
even look in the eye and say you know
what you mean a lot to me I'm really
glad you're in my life this one is
supposed to cue crickets chirping right
we don't do those things and by the way
it doesn't count the I Love You Man six
beers in the bar time right that's not
what I'm talking about here is very
different than that all right which
brings me to this turning point for you
all right
social changes are required this massive
organized movement I mean all it
requires is each one of us make one
small change our lives right to get
people to respond in a different way
right to put down this mask but it's a
misconception that I'm out here
spreading a message that men have to
stop be you know stop being men I'm not
asking them to radically change who they
are when I work with men on this issue I
really say hey this is another skill
that you can learn and that you can
apply in the right situations and I'm
not saying that we have to do this in
all situations you and I know very well
that there are places that we find
ourselves where that emotional control
and restriction is called for and it's
necessary my concern is that when we
take that and that is our default mode
in our human relationships so we come
into our workplace we come into our
family we come into our friendships with
just that blocking and the masking but
changing this doesn't have to be
complicated I came up with two simple
tips for us just even start with one is
let's eliminate phrases like man up boys
will be boys stop acting like a girl I
just acknowledged that these are common
human emotions we all experience and
they don't have to be gendered in any
way the second point is let's redefine
what it means to be courageous and if
you think about it doesn't require
courage to hide behind a mask requires
courage is to be open and vulnerable no
matter what the outcome and that's
really what we're asking and what I ask
men to do so I want to end with an
observation I made a year ago I was
taking my two kids trick-or-treating and
a group of four boys we're probably at
11 to 12 or engage what I call
competitive trick-or-treating right so
there's like darting from house to house
trying to fill up these bags and they
whiz by us on the driveway and this one
guys you know yells to his friend he
says you better
a shoe they get up to the house and get
their candy they bound off the porch
sure enough the kid with the untied shoe
takes a digger onto the concrete and my
first reaction was here it comes right
there this guy's going to get it but
that's not what happened so his friend
gets down on one knee puts his hand on
the shoulder and says man are you okay
because okay I am fine succeed that's
why I told you that's why I wanted you
to tie your shoe I want to see you get
hurt are you sure you're okay and the
friends like yeah yeah I'm fine
so cuz if you're not okay I'm sure all
of us will be just fine going back to my
house we can stop trick-or-treating we
can just hang out and his friends are
nodding their head are you sure you okay
he's like yeah no that's fine we can
keep being out there it's like well Lisa
let me tie your shoe and he gets down
those other knee and ties his French
shoe and then they go off sprinting to
the next house but I learned a lesson
that night because I had my own
expectations and they were proven wrong
and I'm willing to bet if we turn off
the nightly news and sometimes our news
feeds and our social media sites and
just look around us you're going to see
a lot more of that happening than we
know and by recognizing it and seeing it
then we start to make small cultural
shifts where people learn that it's okay
and it's not going to be judged
negatively or punished so back to this
image my wish for you as an audience is
to walk away from this and commit to
removing the mask at least in some small
way now I've been met with criticism
with this message and it's using the
form of but are we going to woo safai or
safai our American boys and men but I
want to remind you of the male emotional
funnel system so if you hear this
message and you feel this like defensive
anger pop up what was it that you
experienced right before that right and
what truly do we have to fear by doing
this so when you go back out in your
lives I want you to be courageous be
vulnerable and just take one small risk
with something your life to make a
deeper connection thank you for your
time
you
you
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