The ONLY WAY To Discover Your True Purpose & Build SELF-ESTEEM | Donald Miller & Lewis Howes

The School of Greatness Episodes
27 Feb 202296:36

Summary

TLDRIn this insightful discussion, the speaker shares their journey of personal growth and transformation over the last eight years. They delve into the importance of trust in relationships, self-esteem, and the power of storytelling in shaping our identities. The speaker emphasizes the significance of embracing challenges, understanding the duality of human nature, and the four key characters in every story: the victim, the villain, the hero, and the guide. They advocate for a life of purpose, community, and resilience, highlighting the impact of suffering and the potential for personal evolution. The conversation also touches on the necessity of shifting from a victim mentality to a heroic one, the value of vulnerability, and the pursuit of a meaningful legacy.

Takeaways

  • 🌟 Overcoming personal deficiencies and turning them into strengths is a key to success.
  • πŸ“£ The power of storytelling and personal narratives significantly impacts our identity and actions.
  • πŸ’ͺ Recognizing and embracing vulnerability is crucial for personal growth and transformation.
  • 🀝 The importance of community and connection in achieving a meaningful life.
  • 🎯 Setting clear objectives and missions in life provides direction and purpose.
  • 🌈 Cultivating an optimistic perspective on suffering can lead to a deeper sense of meaning.
  • 🚫 Understanding the pitfalls of a victim mentality and the importance of shifting towards a hero's mindset.
  • πŸ’₯ The impact of media and narrative on societal division and the need for a united platform.
  • 🌱 The significance of personal healing and self-improvement in creating a meaningful legacy.
  • πŸ“– The practice of writing one's own eulogy as a tool for self-reflection and life direction.
  • πŸŽ‰ Defining greatness by the positive impact and encouragement provided to others rather than individual achievements.

Q & A

  • What is the significance of self-esteem in relationships according to the speaker?

    -The speaker emphasizes that self-esteem is crucial in relationships because it allows individuals to believe in their capacity to positively impact their partner. Without high self-esteem, a person may feel they have nothing to offer, which can lead to an unbalanced and unsuccessful relationship.

  • How does the speaker describe the transformation from being a victim to a hero?

    -The speaker describes the transformation from victim to hero as a process of recognizing one's own power and potential. It involves shifting from a mindset of helplessness and lack of control to one of agency and responsibility. This change is marked by the individual's decision to actively work on personal growth and make positive contributions to their relationships and the world around them.

  • What are the four major characters the speaker identifies in every story and how do they relate to personal identity?

    -The four major characters identified by the speaker are the victim, the villain, the hero, and the guide. These characters represent different aspects of our identity and can be played by an individual in various situations. The speaker suggests that recognizing and balancing these roles within oneself is key to personal growth and effectiveness in life.

  • How does the speaker suggest building self-esteem?

    -The speaker suggests that building self-esteem is not about simply declaring oneself awesome but rather about achieving tangible wins in life. These wins can be as simple as completing a marathon, getting a good haircut, or writing a book. By accumulating these victories, one's identity begins to shift, leading to a stronger sense of self-worth.

  • What is the speaker's perspective on the importance of community and mutual benefit in finding meaning?

    -The speaker, referencing Victor Frankl, believes that community and mutual benefit are essential for finding meaning in life. According to the speaker, meaning comes from engaging in a project that demands attention and benefiting both oneself and others. This mutual benefit is necessary for a fulfilling life and helps avoid the emptiness of purely self-serving pursuits.

  • How does the speaker view the role of suffering in personal growth?

    -The speaker views suffering as an inevitable part of life that can serve as a catalyst for personal growth. By embracing suffering and not resisting it, individuals can learn from their experiences and hardships, transforming them into something useful and meaningful in their lives.

  • What is the speaker's approach to handling life's challenges and potential midlife crises?

    -The speaker suggests that instead of being driven by past deficiencies or fears, individuals should face life's challenges head-on and turn them into opportunities for growth. In the case of a midlife crisis, the speaker advises creating a new personal narrative or story for oneself, rather than continuing to follow the cultural scripts given by society.

  • What does the speaker suggest is the key to a successful and meaningful relationship?

    -The speaker suggests that the key to a successful and meaningful relationship is not trying to control the other person but instead setting boundaries for the relationship itself. It's about wanting the relationship to change rather than wanting the person to change, and it requires both parties to take responsibility for the health and direction of the relationship.

  • How does the speaker define 'greatness'?

    -The speaker defines greatness as the impact one has on others, particularly in encouraging and facilitating their accomplishments. Rather than focusing on personal achievements, the speaker aspires to be remembered for how he inspired and helped others to succeed.

  • What is the speaker's advice for individuals who feel their life is meaningless or unfulfilling?

    -The speaker advises such individuals to actively create meaning by engaging in a project that demands their attention, embedding themselves into a community, and adopting an optimistic perspective on suffering. He believes that these three elements, based on the teachings of Victor Frankl, can help one experience a deep sense of meaning in life.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Embracing Deficiency and追撦

The speaker discusses the universal human experience of feeling deficient and how this feeling can drive us towards our dreams and aspirations. They emphasize the importance of having a mission and the value of trust in relationships, sharing personal experiences of growth and healing over the years. The speaker also talks about the power of self-esteem and how it can be built through achieving personal victories and changing one's identity.

05:01

🎭 The Four Characters of Life

The speaker delves into the concept of the four major characters in everyone's life: the victim, the villain, the hero, and the guide. They explain how each person plays all these roles at different times and how these characters can transform based on one's actions and mindset. The speaker highlights the importance of identifying with the hero and guide roles to create a fulfilling life story, using examples from movies and real-life scenarios to illustrate their points.

10:02

πŸ›£οΈ The Journey from Villain to Hero

The speaker discusses the challenging path from being a villain to becoming a hero, emphasizing the difficulty of change and the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions. They share a personal story of meeting someone on death row who has transformed their life, illustrating that change is possible. The speaker also talks about the power of vulnerability and truth in facilitating this transformation and the importance of recognizing one's own need for growth.

15:02

πŸ’” Healing from Past Hurts

The speaker shares personal insights on healing from past traumas and the importance of not letting past pains dictate one's present and future. They discuss the impact of growing up without a father and how it has shaped their life and perspectives. The speaker also talks about the power of forgiveness and the importance of not trying to control others in relationships, emphasizing the need for mutual respect and understanding.

20:04

πŸ† The Power of Stories

The speaker talks about the power of stories in shaping our lives and identities. They discuss how everyone has a story and how these stories can either be fulfilling or empty, depending on how they are approached. The speaker emphasizes the importance of having a clear objective and being part of a community to experience a meaningful life. They also share personal stories and reflections on how they have created their own life stories and the impact these have had on their sense of purpose and direction.

25:07

🌈 Finding Optimism in Suffering

The speaker discusses the importance of maintaining an optimistic perspective on suffering and how it can lead to a deeper sense of meaning in life. They share personal experiences and insights on how suffering can be transformed into growth and learning opportunities. The speaker also talks about the impact of storytelling on personal development and the importance of having a mission or project that demands attention and engagement.

Mindmap

Keywords

πŸ’‘Deficiency

In the context of the video, 'deficiency' refers to a lack or shortage in one's personal capabilities or resources. It is tied to the idea that everyone has areas where they feel inadequate or insufficient. The speaker uses this term to discuss the universal human experience of feeling a sense of not being enough, which can drive individuals to seek growth and improvement.

πŸ’‘Trust

Trust is a crucial aspect of relationships discussed in the video. It refers to the confidence and reliability one has in another person's actions and intentions. The speaker emphasizes the importance of trust in a relationship, particularly in terms of not having to second-guess a partner's fidelity and loyalty.

πŸ’‘Healing

Healing in the video refers to the process of recovery and transformation from past traumas, wounds, or negative experiences. It is a journey of personal growth that involves addressing and overcoming one's deficiencies. The speaker discusses their own healing process and how it positively impacted their relationship and personal development.

πŸ’‘Self-esteem

Self-esteem is the respect and confidence one has in their own worth and abilities. In the video, the speaker argues that building self-esteem is not about merely declaring oneself awesome but about achieving tangible wins and successes in life. High self-esteem is essential for healthy relationships and personal empowerment.

πŸ’‘Identity

Identity refers to the characteristics, beliefs, and personality traits that define who a person is. In the video, the speaker discusses the importance of one's identity in shaping their life narrative and the roles they play, such as the victim, villain, hero, or guide. A person's identity influences their actions and perceptions in various situations.

πŸ’‘Vulnerability

Vulnerability in the context of the video refers to the willingness to expose one's feelings, weaknesses, or uncertainties. It is a key factor in building authentic relationships and fostering personal growth. The speaker emphasizes that embracing vulnerability can lead to deeper connections and a more genuine sense of self.

πŸ’‘Transformation

Transformation is the process of change or development in one's character, role, or life circumstances. In the video, the speaker talks about personal transformation as a result of facing challenges and overcoming personal deficiencies. It is about evolving into a better version of oneself through experiences and learning.

πŸ’‘Narrative

A narrative is a story or a sequence of events that form a coherent whole. In the video, the speaker uses the concept of narrative to discuss how individuals shape their life stories based on their actions, choices, and roles. The speaker emphasizes the importance of being the hero of one's own story and the impact of cultural scripts on personal narratives.

πŸ’‘Meaning

Meaning in the video refers to the sense of purpose, significance, or fulfillment in one's life. The speaker discusses how individuals can find meaning through their actions, relationships, and contributions to the world. According to the speaker, meaning is derived from engaging in projects, being part of a community, and having an optimistic perspective on suffering.

πŸ’‘Suffering

Suffering in the video is used to describe the pain, hardship, or distress that individuals experience in life. The speaker argues that suffering is an inevitable part of life that can serve as an opportunity for growth and transformation. It is through suffering that individuals can develop resilience and find a deeper sense of meaning.

Highlights

The importance of recognizing and healing from past traumas and deficiencies.

The significance of trust in relationships and its role in personal growth.

The transformational journey from seeing oneself as a victim to becoming a hero.

The impact of self-esteem on relationships and the power of believing in one's own healing abilities.

The role of identity in our lives and how it influences our actions and decisions.

The importance of embracing challenges and conflicts as they are essential for personal growth and story.

The concept of 'narrative traction' and its significance in maintaining interest and direction in life.

The transformative power of writing one's own eulogy and reading it frequently.

The impact of having a clear mission or story in life and how it prevents an existential vacuum.

The importance of community and connection in overcoming personal struggles and achieving greatness.

The significance of vulnerability in personal development and its role in building authentic relationships.

The role of suffering in creating meaning and the importance of having an optimistic perspective on it.

The impact of personal growth and transformation on one's ability to be a guide and mentor to others.

The importance of recognizing the potential for greatness in every individual and the power of encouragement.

The significance of living a life driven by a sense of purpose and mission, rather than personal accolades.

Transcripts

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we need more than we are capable of

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getting

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and so there's a deficiency in all of us

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uh and so for us to say

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gosh this hurts

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let me turn around

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and help other people not have to

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experience i think you gotta have a

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dream the school of greatness really

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yeah please welcome us

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what would you say are the three

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things that you were able to heal within

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the last i guess eight years of yeah of

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being together and knowing each other

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it's all still happening

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um

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i've the the trust thing

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um

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knowing that she's not gonna

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you know fool around or flirt with

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somebody else and some relationships are

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like that but but i'm not comfortable in

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that

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um

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i i just completely now

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have somebody

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who

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i i just feel like i don't have to give

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a second thought to

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you know and even and she and she has

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flirted with other people and i just

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kind of go i bet you that was fun she's

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like he's cute yeah there you go that's

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a level of trust that's a whole other

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level of course you know and um and

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so it's just it's just fun i mean louis

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it's just fun and then the healing that

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has happened to me

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in terms of just calming down

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when you have to be somewhere because

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somebody's expecting you you know those

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sorts of things you just grow up real

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fast yeah you know really really fast

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right and then um you know so that's a

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big part and then the other part was

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probably took me two or three years to

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realize oh wait a second this isn't just

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her healing me

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i'm actually

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gonna heal

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and i'm going to be a a really

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trustworthy guy who said who just

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constantly says encouraging things and

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you know tries not to ever say anything

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demeaning or negative that's not true

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because i have but if you're in a

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relationship with somebody who doesn't

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believe that they have the power to give

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anything to you it's not going to work

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if they don't believe they have power to

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explore actually that their love for you

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actually means something

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it won't work the relationship won't

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work why won't it work because you're

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going to be giving everything to them

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and they're never going to be giving

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back because they don't believe they

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have anything to get interesting you

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know so i think it's really important

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that we have very high self-esteem

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in our relationships that we believe no

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my words actually have the power to heal

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this person how do you think we build

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self-esteem if we don't have much of it

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okay this is going to be controversial i

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don't believe that you can look in the

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mirror and say that you're awesome and

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build self-esteem i actually think you

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have to chalk up some wins

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yeah there's got to be some results in

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your life exactly you got to go finish a

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marathon yeah that'll do it like get a

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good haircut buy some new clothes yeah

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all that superficial stuff actually

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means something and you know

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writing a book like you did and

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finishing it you know you if you start

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chalking up wins your identity begins to

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change

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the role you play

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in the story of your life will determine

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your character how important is identity

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for us it's everything

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why

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because you will operate out of your

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identity

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in stories there are four characters

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four major characters the victim

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the villain

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the hero

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and the guide so let me describe them

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the victim is the one who believes they

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are doomed and they have no way out and

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they are looking for a rescuer

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the villain is the one who makes others

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small they demean others in order to

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feel powerful

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sometimes physically

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uh the hero is the one who

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really doesn't have what it takes

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but accepts the challenge and transforms

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until they can get the job done

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and the guide is the one who has played

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the hero for so long they have the

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expertise to turn around and help

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somebody else you will see those four

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characters in every story and here's why

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those four characters exist in every

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story they exist in every story because

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they exist in you

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you are not one of them you are all four

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and i'm all for and really if you look

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at your day you'll play all four

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characters in one day if you're jumping

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on a plane and it's late yeah yeah yeah

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if you walk out and your car's been

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stolen you're going to feel sorry for

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yourself i'm doomed and why does this

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happen to me and yeah that's the victim

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if

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somebody calls and says and cancels an

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interview uh you're going to feel

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disrespected you're going to say that

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little you know what that's the villain

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the hero is the one who says i'm not

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going to stop i'm going to make sure

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this happens until i bench 300 pounds

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i'm going to show up every day and i'm

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going to transform until i can be the

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guy who does it and the guide is the one

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who says

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this guy's about to step on a landline i

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think i need to go talk to him and so we

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play those four characters every day but

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here's the here's the truth the more you

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identify as the victim the worse your

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story will go victims and stories do not

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transform

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their bit parts that make the hero look

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good and the villain look bad it's a bit

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part and at the end of the story you'll

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notice the victim sits on the the bumper

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of the ambulance they put a blanket

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around them and they the camera shows

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them for a second then it goes over and

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shows the hero getting their reward the

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story the hero yeah who saved or guided

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the yeah that's right so when we play

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the victims our stories go nowhere we

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don't transform we never get what we

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want we don't build a legacy we're not

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remembered and we suck all the energy

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into ourselves

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interesting and people need to get away

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from us

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right and so

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if you play the victim your story will

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go like a victim in a movie if you play

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the villain

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where you're

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you know you're nice to people when the

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camera's on but you're cussing them out

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when they when you know behind the

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scenes or you're you know i have so many

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friends who threaten to sue all the time

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i'm like do you realize how yourself

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other people yeah other people yeah yeah

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that's how they operate and i'm like do

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you realize that as soon as you send

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that email they get on the phone and

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call 20 people

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and you're burning bridges left and

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right yeah you're pl you're being a vil

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this is what the villain would do in a

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movie

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don't do it because here's what happens

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if they'll in a movie they're shot

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right they die they die they go to jail

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they die or they go to jail yeah that's

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and so the same thing's gonna happen you

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may not go to jail but you're gonna be

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in a social prison

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where people are gonna you know and then

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you gotta cycle through friends because

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you've burned them all out

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the hero what happens to the hero is

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they they experience a reward because

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they accomplish something great but the

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bigger thing is they transform so at the

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beginning of the movie they are

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ill-equipped they are afraid they don't

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know what to do

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um they need help and at the end of the

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movie they're strong

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and if we want to become our a better

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version of ourselves we have to do what

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heroes do and what heroes do is they see

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something that they can't do

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they accept that they can't do it and

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they become the person who can do it by

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continuing to hit their head against the

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wall that's what they do and then what

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we find out

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is if we do that 10 or 12 times and we

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become

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the great awesome man which tends to

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happen to us in our late 20s

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i think we're invincible and yeah we

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start figuring out it's actually a

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pretty empty life

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and we turn around and we help somebody

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else and we go wait a second that felt

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really meaningful

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and

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you know you you start playing the guide

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more and more and so the the real

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beautiful journey of life is you have

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this opportunity to play the hero and

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you slowly transform into the guy i did

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um if you ever get a chance to interview

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pete carroll with the seahawks okay i

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went up in and he gave me 15 minutes in

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his office and we spent two hours

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together

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and one of the things that i asked him

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because in these interviews sometimes

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i'll ask i'll say hey when did you

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realize that you were special now almost

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everybody i've ever asked that to played

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the humble card and said oh there's

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nothing he didn't

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i really liked it he said i was in high

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school

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wow he said my doctor wouldn't let me

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play football because i was too small

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but i knew that i was bigger than my

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body i knew it i knew i was special

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that's cool it was very cool

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and i was so glad he was honest and then

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i said um

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i said but did that bring you meaning by

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accomplishing so much and he said no he

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said one of the best things that ever

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happened to me is i chalked up a lot of

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wins when i was young because i realized

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they were empty and it wasn't until i

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started coaching and helping other

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people other heroes win

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that i found meaning that's kind of how

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i felt well that's what you do if you

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think about it you play the guy yeah

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right you sit there you you metabolize

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content quickly and turn around so that

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somebody else can use it yeah there was

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something always missing inside yeah

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like i would go and spend years

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sometimes decades pursuing a goal and

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then i would accomplish it

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and then i'd be like well now what and i

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didn't have there was a there was like a

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a feeling of like yes i can do what i

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set out to do but it wasn't a deeper

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fulfillment and i think i don't know if

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it was because

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for most of my life i was doing i was

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accomplishing things to prove people

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wrong

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and so the energy and the effort behind

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trying to

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you know prove the three bullies wrong

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or these people who said no to me wrong

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or who picked me last and like having

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that fuel left me feeling like uh it

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wasn't a meaningful fuel

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the the pursuit and the goal was

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significant for me but the energy behind

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it wasn't

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out of pure love and i think it was out

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of like i'm doing this because i love it

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because i want to inspire people

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as opposed to i want to prove like i

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don't know all these people wrong i

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might have had more fulfillment but when

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i transition into

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well how can i just serve

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and through the school of greatness and

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how can i collect information from wise

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people like yourself and then facilitate

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and share this with others and help them

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improve that's when it became another

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level of fulfillment victor frankl would

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say that in order to

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to be meaningful an objective needs to

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be mutually beneficial it needs to

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benefit you and it needs to benefit

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others if it only benefits you it won't

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work interesting

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you know it needs to be a team or a you

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know you can't do it alone one of the

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three things that victor frankl said you

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need to put into your life in order to

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experience a deep sense of meaning is

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community and he also included art and

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nature into that because basically he

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was saying you got to stop staring at

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your belly button pulling the lint out

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and holding it up to the light you're

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going to drive yourself nuts right get

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get into a community and share an

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objective with a group of people and try

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to accomplish it what happens if we just

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do it something for ourselves only

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it'll be empty you know when you when

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you watch a story um you know

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there's been like 37 rocky movies right

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but i can't remember which one i watched

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that you know rocky wanted to win the

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heavyweight bow that's always the story

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and but if you think about it wanting to

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win the heavyweight

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championship

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um

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is a very selfish endeavor and so

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if you play that movie out and he wins

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it the audience will not like him in

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fact they'll turn on

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so what they had what the screenwriters

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had to do to make the story work is they

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had rocky start mentoring a fatherless

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kid

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take care of a single mom buy an old

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homeless man dinner i'm not kidding he

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goes to a dog pound and rescues a dog

play10:54

and adopts the dog

play10:56

that way the audience will cheer for him

play10:58

when he wins the heavyweight fight

play11:00

because he's doing it for more people

play11:01

than himself because he's it's a good

play11:03

person winning the championship rather

play11:05

than just a person who's driven only for

play11:06

themselves now what's fascinating about

play11:09

that is the screenwriters had to put all

play11:11

of that in there in order to make the

play11:13

movie work so what does that tell us

play11:15

about life we've got to put all that in

play11:16

there you got to make it work

play11:18

if you want to experience you know your

play11:19

life is a story

play11:21

it is your life is a story and when

play11:23

people say i'm restless or i'm bored i

play11:25

had a great um coffee with an

play11:28

acquaintance in portland a friend of

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mine said when you get together my

play11:31

friend you wrote a book about traveling

play11:33

around america um he's wants to write a

play11:35

book about traveling around ark you just

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finished will you get together i did the

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kids 10 years younger than me just

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starting out and writing and i realized

play11:42

pretty quickly this kid is a nihilist

play11:44

this kid believes that life is futile

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and there's no meaning to anything which

play11:48

in portland is like

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right i mean the state flag you could

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just have life it's meaningless but

play11:52

marijuana leave

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but you know i said something to him

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that um was offensive what did you say i

play11:59

said

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what if life is not meaningless what if

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just your life is made

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and here's what i meant by that

play12:06

what if life hands you the opportunity

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to live a story

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and the story that you are writing with

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your life is not pleasing or satisfying

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it's boring it's the equivalent of

play12:17

sitting in a theater and watching a

play12:18

blank screen

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i said life is not meaningless life is

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just stuff that you can put together and

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make what you want with it what you have

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made is meaningless and it's giving you

play12:26

the experience of meaningless but don't

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project your meaninglessness on me don't

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say the world is meaningless

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what's the point of being here just

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because you haven't created something

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meaningful that's exactly yeah or even

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meaningful for yourself

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right

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life hands us these cultural scripts

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right when we're born we're born into a

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family

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you know we're the son or we're the

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daughter

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and our parents give us a script and we

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we play out that story then we get into

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school and it's usually an education

play12:54

script then you get into university and

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there are there there's two scripts

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happening in university it one is a

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career script and the other is find a

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mate

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or whatever you know those are the

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scripts then you get married and you

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have kids and there's a family script

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and you know what happens after that

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there are no more cultural scripts

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nobody gives you a script and so what is

play13:16

midlife crisis it's literally you've

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played out the story that culture gave

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you and you did not create a new one for

play13:22

yourself and so now you're sitting in

play13:24

the theater of your own mind you're

play13:25

watching a blank screen and it's driving

play13:27

you crazy that my friend is your fault

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so what if someone's in their early 20s

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what should they be reconsidering about

play13:35

their story they should look at their

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life like a story

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they should say look if i were a hero in

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a story

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what would i do differently i've heard

play13:44

joe rogan say this i've heard a number

play13:46

of people say it but if i were a hero in

play13:49

a story and i were talking to my

play13:51

girlfriend this way

play13:52

what does that do to the story does the

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audience root for this character do they

play13:56

not like this character i mean so the

play13:57

biggest regrets of my life

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are things that i've said to people

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that if you showed that with out of

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context if you just showed that

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everybody would go oh it's the villain

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you know and um

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that stuff is in my story so then you

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ask yourself okay if i've screwed up how

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do you fix it well how would a hero fix

play14:16

it

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you apologize you make it right you yeah

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don't do that again you you know and

play14:21

everybody's going oh we like this guy

play14:22

uh-huh yeah yeah and so he said sorry

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pretty easy

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now

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how does a villain change their identity

play14:29

into a hero i have a cynical view of

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villains i i think it's i think it's

play14:34

very very

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difficult for a narcissistic control

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freak to actually change

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um but how do you do it we just had a

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therapist who's the expert on narcissism

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uh on and it's been going viral and she

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was like you can't change a narcissist i

play14:50

kind of agree with that it's like unless

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they're willing to look within which

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that's right which is great and take

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accountability which is almost

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impossible and say i want to go to

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therapy

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a couple days a week and do this for

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years to be willing to really start to

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break these patterns

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i don't know if it's that extreme but

play15:07

this is what she said based on her

play15:09

experience of decades of working with

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narcissists so you're saying villains

play15:12

are hard to change well not all villains

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i have a friend who uh occasionally have

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the honor of visiting his name is terry

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and terry is on death row in tennessee

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terry killed a young woman when he was

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about 18 years old raped her and killed

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her

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and terry's probably 55 now

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and he's consistently scheduled to be

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executed

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and you know lives

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you know but when you sit and talk to

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terry he has

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wholeheartedly processed

play15:44

what he did

play15:45

wholeheartedly right so much so that

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he's actually written back and forth

play15:50

with family members of the young woman

play15:52

and they've written to him

play15:54

and i think the the path to going from

play15:58

villain

play15:59

to hero

play16:00

is when the villain stops and says i was

play16:03

wrong and i have to make amends for what

play16:05

i did

play16:06

and then that character for watching a

play16:09

movie is now transformed into a hero and

play16:12

can move on and they can start to see

play16:14

themselves as a hero but that's really

play16:16

hard for somebody to do when they

play16:18

believe that

play16:19

if they admit that they're wrong it puts

play16:21

me in a weak position and i'm vulnerable

play16:23

and now i'm exposed to an outside threat

play16:26

they think i'll never i'll never ever

play16:28

admit that i'm wrong because

play16:30

that's a weakness and the one rule of

play16:32

being a villain is never ever show that

play16:34

you're weak why is vulnerability such a

play16:36

key

play16:38

factor in life because it's truth yeah

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why is it so hard for so many people oh

play16:43

it's hard for me

play16:44

for me like your mom you said she wasn't

play16:46

vulnerable for many years i don't know

play16:47

if that she was she was so vulnerable

play16:50

you know in the last 15 years of her

play16:51

life

play16:52

she was incredibly vulnerable really

play16:54

yeah why did that shift she realized and

play16:57

her children did such a good job

play16:59

loving her

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you know i hate to take for my sister

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and i take some credit for that but uh i

play17:05

think that was a big a big big part of

play17:07

it and then i just think you know she

play17:09

became a grandma only because of my

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sister she didn't she never got to meet

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my baby

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but i think that that was part of it too

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who knows i i think um

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villain villainy and pride go hand in

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hand

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and you know

play17:27

my mom

play17:28

she divorced my dad or my dad left when

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i was two years old and my mom

play17:34

made a decision we never talked about it

play17:36

but i know from the way she literally

play17:38

she made a decision she would never ever

play17:40

ever get her heart broken again

play17:42

so for the last 40 years of her life she

play17:45

never dated she had no love she had no

play17:47

love yeah that's tough because she was

play17:49

not going to get hurt

play17:50

she was not going to take that risk

play17:52

isn't that crazy the fear of pain or

play17:54

feeling that pain once can make help

play17:56

have us hold on to it for so long yup to

play17:59

not want to put ourselves out there to

play18:00

experience love again yeah

play18:02

yeah or to become cynical about the

play18:04

nature of love itself or to not realize

play18:06

that the person that you love is

play18:08

actually going to hurt you

play18:10

they're just going to do it yeah they're

play18:12

going to hurt you and you and you're

play18:13

going to hurt them

play18:15

but what is love if it's this

play18:16

conditional thing of like well it's over

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if you hurt me

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right that's not love

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right you know i don't think we can

play18:23

expect

play18:24

to always be respected or carried about

play18:26

by the person that we're with and so our

play18:28

ability to be forgiving creates an even

play18:30

greater bond and our willingness to say

play18:34

no i'm going down with this ship

play18:36

if you hurt me it's gonna it's gonna be

play18:39

worse than death wow but i am here wow

play18:42

you know and not try to that was the

play18:45

other thing that i realized in so many

play18:46

relationships early on that you can't

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control somebody and love them at the

play18:50

same time

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it doesn't work

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why not

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because if you're controlling them it's

play18:55

not a genuine relationship

play18:57

what is it

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uh it's you interacting with a puppet oh

play19:01

man

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or in a puppet by the way it's pure

play19:04

fantasy on your part because they're

play19:05

actually not a puppet

play19:07

they're complying right but compliance

play19:09

isn't genuine you just can't you just

play19:12

can't control somebody and love them at

play19:13

the same time you can't control somebody

play19:14

and be in a loving relationship it

play19:16

doesn't work

play19:17

what's the alternative

play19:19

set them free i mean think you know

play19:21

let's go back to sting

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if you love somebody set them free yeah

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i think that's that's the alternative is

play19:26

that set them free by not being with

play19:28

them or set them free in the

play19:29

relationship you set them free in the

play19:30

relationship so what i learned was that

play19:32

you stop

play19:33

in in my relationship with betsy

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hopefully if i'm doing it right i'm

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never wanting betsy to be different

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or i'm wanting betsy to change what i'm

play19:42

wanting is what i have boundaries on is

play19:45

the relationship that we are in

play19:48

so in a dating relationship you would

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never say

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i can't be with somebody who does this

play19:53

what you would say is i don't want to be

play19:54

in a relationship that feels this way

play19:57

[Music]

play19:59

are you do you want to change so we can

play20:01

be in this or or not right you know my

play20:04

friend henry cloud is here in town says

play20:06

you got a view of some relationships

play20:08

like a coke machine

play20:09

if you put a dollar 25 in a coke machine

play20:12

it doesn't give you a coke machine you

play20:13

go to different machines

play20:14

right right you don't keep putting money

play20:16

in press other buttons try to get it

play20:17

doesn't this doesn't work and so when

play20:19

you're in a relationship you go actually

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i'm looking for

play20:22

commitment and affection and you're just

play20:24

looking to get laid or whatever you know

play20:26

then uh

play20:27

it won't work it won't work stop putting

play20:29

money into it yeah go to a different one

play20:31

and it's it takes responsibility from

play20:33

both parties to recognize and see that

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yeah and then i expect something from

play20:36

the person who's just wanting to get

play20:38

laid and expect something different

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and then not expect you to be different

play20:41

as well it's like

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it's never gonna work yeah yeah it took

play20:45

me a long time to have awareness but

play20:47

don't you think love and fear go hand in

play20:49

hand yeah because i'm having

play20:50

conversations with my girlfriend in the

play20:52

last few weeks that i had some like

play20:56

i had to step into courage like let go

play20:59

of past fears and step into courageous

play21:02

thought action words

play21:05

that felt a little like

play21:07

not fearful but just like

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man i want it to work out you know you

play21:10

want it to be well yeah you want it to

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be healthy you want to be strong and so

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it takes courage i think to fully love

play21:17

and not go through pain again it does

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you know i um i found my dad

play21:24

uh cause he left when you were two he's

play21:25

left when i was two and i found him when

play21:26

i was in my mid-thirties i had just

play21:28

released a book about growing up without

play21:29

a father what was that like

play21:32

it was terrifying

play21:33

he lived in indiana

play21:35

and um

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i called him

play21:38

and said

play21:39

my name is donald miller i'm your son

play21:42

and i'm on my way to your house wow left

play21:45

a voicemail

play21:46

he called me back

play21:48

so i know he got the call but i was too

play21:49

scared to answer i'm driving to his

play21:50

house and i'm in chicago i'm six hours

play21:52

away wow and i'm too scared dancing i

play21:55

don't want to have

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i don't know what to do and knocked on

play21:58

his door went in

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and

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he's watching fox news he's drinking a

play22:03

beer

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and he i was very happy about two things

play22:06

he had his hair and he was in good

play22:07

health yeah you're like good okay yeah

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yeah and we just had this conversation

play22:11

and he explained what happened you know

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mom who i love you know who passed away

play22:16

who became this amazing woman

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emasculated him

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and he felt the need to leave and um i

play22:23

didn't i didn't understand

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how could you there's something

play22:27

biochemical that happens when you have a

play22:29

kid

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how how can you

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how can anything

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pull you away from that it just made no

play22:36

sense to me right and louis we had a

play22:38

baby six months ago

play22:40

and one of the things that i thought was

play22:42

so amazing i still felt like how could

play22:44

anything play away from this but what i

play22:45

didn't realize what i never saw coming

play22:47

was

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my entire

play22:52

happiness well-being

play22:55

view of whether or not life is good or

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bad

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now depends

play22:59

on the well-being of this child

play23:01

in other words if anything happens to

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this kid

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my life is over really my marriage is

play23:08

over

play23:09

my understanding and view of whether or

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not god is good is over really

play23:13

everything is that what you're telling

play23:15

yourself right now

play23:16

it's what's true

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is it the truth or is it i think if

play23:19

anything happened to emily i don't know

play23:21

that i could survive come on i don't

play23:23

know louis really i'm telling you i'm

play23:25

not kidding so parents are watching this

play23:27

going oh louis is going to find out

play23:29

right yeah i mean i think it was

play23:30

madeline lingle who said having a child

play23:32

is like having your heart walk around

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the room oh my gosh outside your body

play23:36

that's tough yeah and uh why wouldn't

play23:38

the marriage work if something happened

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i think um

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so much of

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of what became

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the the purpose of our lives

play23:49

was to give ourselves sacrificially to

play23:52

the to the well-being of this child not

play23:54

all of it

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we still give to each other we still

play23:57

have our identities but um

play24:00

you know to lose something that you love

play24:03

that much

play24:04

is you know i just don't know that i

play24:08

parents do it and parents survive

play24:10

there's always something kind of missing

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and yeah yeah but i i just don't know

play24:14

how they do it

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you know right and thank god and and

play24:18

pray that that never yeah never have to

play24:20

answer that question but i only say all

play24:22

that to say love demands courage so why

play24:25

did my father leave i think one of the

play24:27

reasons is this is freaking scary mm-hmm

play24:29

this is terrifying

play24:31

yeah this is terrifying what was the

play24:32

biggest lesson you learned growing up

play24:33

without a father

play24:35

i learned that when you when you grow up

play24:38

with deficiencies either monetary

play24:40

deficiencies or relational deficiencies

play24:42

or even

play24:43

physical handicaps

play24:46

and i don't want to offend anybody

play24:48

you're actually at an advantage if if

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you can

play24:51

metabolize that and turn it into

play24:52

strength why is that

play24:54

because when you work out you go tear up

play24:57

your body

play24:58

and it turns into muscle mm-hmm the

play25:00

problem is a lot of people with monetary

play25:02

deficiencies or handicaps whatever

play25:04

they'll go into victim mindset

play25:06

and so the muscle will never come

play25:09

but if we can actually turn around and

play25:11

say no i'm going to see this as a hero

play25:12

and a story

play25:14

turn on your favorite movie here's how

play25:16

it starts the hero

play25:18

is some sort of orphan

play25:21

their parents have left somebody has

play25:23

abandoned them and they feel alone it's

play25:25

formulaic

play25:26

right because it makes the story better

play25:29

right because we get to see them

play25:30

reconcile with whoever get what they

play25:32

want or become a whole

play25:34

and you know every parent screws up

play25:36

their kid

play25:38

it is

play25:39

it's amazing to me my mom never made

play25:41

more than twenty thousand dollars a year

play25:42

we've stood in line for government

play25:44

cheese

play25:45

you know inline is being raised

play25:47

in 15 posh acres in the nicest

play25:50

neighborhood in tennessee yeah she's

play25:52

getting a completely different life so

play25:54

does she have a disadvantage i want i've

play25:56

asked myself that question

play25:58

right i've asked myself that question is

play26:00

there any kid that grows up in a healthy

play26:03

parent relationship yeah love fully they

play26:05

have a much better chance of being happy

play26:07

really than not but they have a lesser

play26:10

chance of actually

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seeing a massive uh

play26:16

success or accomplishment really

play26:18

why is that there's no driving there was

play26:20

a study done among ceos

play26:22

and

play26:24

really really successful ceos and they

play26:26

said okay what's the common uh

play26:29

denominator between the ones who are

play26:32

clearly a cut above

play26:34

and they found the common denominators

play26:36

when they grew up poor isn't that crazy

play26:38

a lot of a lot of these i heard a story

play26:40

something like

play26:42

20 or 30 i'm i'm messing it up but a big

play26:45

percentage of

play26:46

presidents like grew up without parents

play26:48

like dads i think it's like their dads

play26:50

died early or hillary clinton barack

play26:52

obama

play26:53

george w bush obviously had a great

play26:55

father

play26:56

um

play26:58

i don't know jimmy carter's history

play27:00

nixon

play27:01

they didn't have fathers

play27:03

home relationships yeah you know abusive

play27:05

uh yeah i mean you just take it all back

play27:07

i don't know joe biden's story i'm not

play27:08

sure but yeah a lot of them it's that

play27:11

orphan heart that drives you

play27:12

what is that what is the orphan heart

play27:14

the orphan heart doesn't prove that i

play27:15

belong in this world that i matter

play27:17

because nobody ever told it to me oh man

play27:19

now hopefully that gets healed i feel

play27:21

like in barack obama's life that got

play27:23

healed i think in bill clinton's life i

play27:24

think that got healed

play27:25

um

play27:26

but hopefully you find healing but it

play27:28

can be jet fuel

play27:30

you know it can also destroy you yeah

play27:32

you know and it's much more likely to

play27:33

destroy it i think than to be jet fuel

play27:35

really yeah so we don't want to do that

play27:36

to our kids

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sure but you think a child growing up

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with

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financial abundance let's say safety

play27:44

peace

play27:45

healthy loving relationship has a far

play27:48

harder chance to do something much more

play27:50

significant or what what is the

play27:52

challenge they face

play27:54

those kids tend to do very very well

play27:57

they tend to not be let's be clear about

play27:59

what i'm saying here that'll take big

play28:00

risks

play28:01

they're not driven by wounds

play28:04

right

play28:05

i mean if you've got a cattle prod poke

play28:06

you in the butt every five minutes

play28:07

you're gonna move yeah yeah right and so

play28:10

it's not it's not a it's not a bad thing

play28:13

i mean i i don't want a cat i don't want

play28:15

emily to grow up with the sense of

play28:17

inadequacy that i had

play28:19

and that drive to be important because

play28:22

i'm trying to prove that i'm not the kid

play28:23

from the wrong side of the tracks you

play28:25

know if you look at my financial success

play28:27

i guarantee you louis 90 of it as i'm

play28:29

trying to prove to myself that i'm not

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white trash

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guaranteed

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absolutely wow still

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not as much anymore you've healed it

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more now because again you know one of

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the ways that you develop self-esteem is

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you chalk up some wins yeah yeah then

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you've you've proven it to yourself like

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okay i've i've created some results yeah

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hopefully i think there's people who

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they never they never get to the point

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improving so they just burn themselves

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out

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trying to trying to prove they're not

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whatever deficient you talked about the

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if you took snapshots of you as a

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villain you know in your past

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you know and it was up on a big screen

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for the world to see oh yeah i'd be dead

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your words out of context are taken in

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yeah well in context they weren't that

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much better

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um how important is the spoken word and

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the internal word

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for

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any four of these characters and and for

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our overall identity to live a

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meaningful life

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yeah the spoken word what we say to our

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you know to ourselves or someone else

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and the internal word we speak to

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ourselves yeah

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you know there's an assignment in the

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book and i do this eulogy one four

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mornings a week at least i read my own

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eulogy

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and um

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it says

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it outlines the three stories that i've

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got in my life

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one is my the story of my family which

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we've built a retreat center called

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goose hill you can't pay to go there

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it's just inviting friends and family

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yeah and

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but

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that story is specifically designed to

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give my family something to do

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it's designed so that we can have some

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goals and accomplish those goals

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together because you know the story

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can't just be about let's have a great

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family and you create a great family

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when you start a family business that

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tries to raise the money this summer to

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go to disney world that's a great story

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and then the family bonds around that

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story so that's the family story we have

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this retreat center i have a business

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story business made simple is my company

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and i really want to build

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six different frameworks that are so

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good they help small businesses grow and

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then i want to take that to a major

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university

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and have the business made simple school

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for entrepreneurs

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and i want to teach at that school

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so that's that's my goal and i want that

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story to happen and i'm actively

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pursuing

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that happening and then there's a third

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goal

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that's called build the middle class and

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i own buildmiddleclass.com i haven't

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done anything with it yet

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but

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i'm working with a bunch of folks out of

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dc to

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identify just happens to be eight pieces

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of legislation that will get america

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moving again

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and bring moderate republicans and blue

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dog democrats to gather a middle of the

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country

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so that we can stop being controlled by

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these extremists who are really

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whack-a-nut jobs right and there's so

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many of us who just see eye to eye

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whether you're a republican or democrat

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doesn't matter we all want the same

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thing on healthcare with the same thing

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in education so that third story which

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is really the story from you know 55 on

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i'm starting to put little things on the

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plot i have a weekly meeting with a

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think tank in dc

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starting to take notes on it that's

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going to be the third and final story of

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my career in my life

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the cool thing about reading your eulogy

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is you know what your stories are and

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the biggest benefit of that is you know

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what to say no to

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i have

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30 years left the average

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american lives to be about 78.5 i'm

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hoping you know i've lost some weight

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i'm i'm drinking my apple cider vinegar

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but i'm trying to live longer but the

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reality is i've got 30 years so when

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there's a story about

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you know don let's go make a tv show

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about this

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i look at my eulogies and go i would

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love to dub i can't

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i got three stories left wow that's it

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three stories left

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and

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we don't have time

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what happens if one of these stories

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doesn't either doesn't work out or

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something changes where there's no

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longer the ability to take on that story

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well um it doesn't matter in terms of

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experiencing meaning because you

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actually according to victor frankl you

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actually experience meaning there's

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three things that have to happen for you

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to experience meaning one is you have to

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have a project that demands your

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attention

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a reason to get out of bed in the

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morning there has to be an open story

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loop in your brain but you need to close

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will lewis house uh

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finish the new book

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there's a story right uh and you have to

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have that if there's no story you're

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toast

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so that's the first thing the second

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thing is a community nature or art

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things that pull you out of yourself

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and then the third thing is fascinating

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it's a

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optimistic

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or redemptive perspective on suffering

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so basically you have to embrace

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suffering

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and not resist it uh you have to

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understand that while suffering is

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painful it isn't a bad thing

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what's the last one again

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an optimistic perspective on suffering

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if you have those three things you will

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experience a deep sense of meaning in

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life

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and

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i

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figured that out when i read his book

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man search for meaning and i applied it

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to my life starting about 12 years ago

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and

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i have not struggled with depression i

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have not struggled with any of that

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there's been sad days tragedies in my

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life

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but um there's not been a single day

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when i haven't experienced a deep sense

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of meaning

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and

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he considers that an antidote to

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depression

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in fact he developed logotherapy a

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therapy of meaning in order to take

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teenagers in vienna in the 1930s

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through small groups where they would

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identify a project embed themselves into

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a community and find you know yes you're

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abused by your father what's good about

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that yes it's a horrible thing we

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wouldn't wish that anyone

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what benefit is there

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what does that make possible because

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you're abused by your father what makes

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you a more tender person makes you aware

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of suffering makes you a better human

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being in some ways and if you can redeem

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and metabolize your suffering and make

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it turn into something useful in your

play34:38

life you have meaning and what happened

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was that they had a suicide problem in

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vienna especially around time grades

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were released so the hospital system in

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vienna said um dr frankl

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you've done a lot of work with us can

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you help he puts all these kids into

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small groups and under his watch not a

play34:54

single person commits suicide

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and so i think what a lot of our

play34:57

restlessness and boredom what it

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actually is it's a lack of meaning

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and i believe you can create and

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generate meaning if you do those three

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things yeah i think tony robbins talks

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about this where he was like he loves

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victor frankl he loved his mom but his

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mom used to like beat him and like pour

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soap down his mouth or something like

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does a bunch of stuff that like you know

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kind of ruined him in some ways but made

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him so um care so much about human

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beings and helping heal people and

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improve the quality of life of people

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that that drove him to become better

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yeah so here's an interesting fact that

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you just pointed out

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villains and heroes actually have the

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exact same backstory

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they have both the the villain story and

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the backstory of the hero are pain

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remember i said the hero's an orphan yes

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there's is always an orphan in some way

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they're they're offend

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at the beginning of the movie they have

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pain

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the villain if you'll watch the movie

play35:50

closely screenwriters will put a scar on

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their face a limp some sort of speech

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impediment what they're indicating is

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that this person has a painful backstory

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so the difference between the villain

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the hero is one thing it's how they

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respond to pain because they were

play36:04

abandoned also that's right yeah and the

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villain says the world hurt me i'm gonna

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hurt it back

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and the hero says the world hurt me i'm

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not going to let this happen to anybody

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else wow it's just literally how you

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decide to react to pain that causes you

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to be the villain or the victim it's the

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third part of a meaningful mission you

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know it's the third part of the

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framework you're talking about which is

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what's the benefit from your pain what's

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the yes the optimism yeah yeah it's

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that's it's how you respond to pain that

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either turns you into the victim or

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turns you into the hero and determines

play36:35

the quality of the rest of your life

play36:36

isn't that interesting yeah but at some

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point there's probably need to be a

play36:39

healing that occurs for the

play36:42

the hero to become a hero yeah but i

play36:44

think the healing happens in action yeah

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you know i think it happens in action

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going to therapy getting into a

play36:50

relationship learning from past mistakes

play36:52

helping someone else that's all growth

play36:54

is is learning from our mistakes yeah my

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therapist says that healing is not a a

play36:58

it's not an event it's a it's a journey

play37:01

it's a consistent journey of showing up

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in that process yeah it doesn't just oh

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i'm healed in one moment it's like

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constantly showing up is there a way to

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end suffering do you think

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in our lives you don't want to why not

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because you'll stop growing

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yeah you'll stop growing um

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you know i believe and i don't i don't

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really understand why louis but i

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believe there's something fundamentally

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broken in the nature of the world

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it's easy to not think that if you live

play37:29

in america but leave the country for a

play37:31

little bit right you know a lot of

play37:33

things are broken go through

play37:36

iraq you know there's something

play37:37

fundamentally broken

play37:39

in the world so i don't think in this

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world you're gonna get away from

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suffering and then there's also just

play37:45

something funnily broken in our hearts

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right because we we need more than we

play37:49

are capable of getting

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and so there's a deficiency in all of us

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uh and so for us to say

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gosh this hurts

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let me turn around

play38:00

and help other people not have to

play38:02

experience pain as much

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that's those those are the very people

play38:07

that we call heroes that's the that's

play38:09

the characteristic

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you know and so um without suffering you

play38:14

have no opportunity to be a hero without

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pain there's no story without conflict

play38:17

there's no story so let me tell you a

play38:19

story yeah buddy of mine um

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he lives here in l.a he loves to play

play38:22

volleyball okay and he gets a call

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and he says hey come down to the beach

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we're playing volleyball all your

play38:27

buddies are here let's go

play38:29

he just like can't believe this walks

play38:31

out looks down he sees his buddies

play38:32

playing volleyball down the beach goes

play38:34

down starts playing volleyball with them

play38:35

you know they play a few games each game

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ends in a tie and somebody says well i'm

play38:38

hungry it's tuesday it's taco tuesday

play38:40

let's go to the taco truck they go they

play38:41

get some brisket tacos they get some

play38:43

fish is this story

play38:44

interesting no no you're sitting there

play38:46

going when is the story gonna get

play38:48

started right what you're actually

play38:49

saying is

play38:51

where's the problem oh

play38:53

so without the problem there is no story

play38:55

so let's say my buddy gets a call

play38:57

they're playing volleyball she's walking

play38:58

on the beach he's looking down at him

play38:59

and an earthquake hits the ground opens

play39:01

up half his friends falling now we got a

play39:03

story right

play39:04

so until there is a challenge in your

play39:06

life

play39:08

or until you actually

play39:11

engage or even dream up a challenge i'm

play39:14

going to run a marathon i'm going to ask

play39:15

this girl out i'm going to start a

play39:17

business i'm going to write a book i'm

play39:19

going to what i'm going to lose 100

play39:22

pounds until you you say

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that's something i don't think i can do

play39:26

but i'm going to try your life is boring

play39:29

wow and but what do we do we seek

play39:32

comfort we actually run the opposite

play39:34

direction

play39:35

and so once we engage this idea that

play39:38

suffering it actually benefits us

play39:40

it transforms us and it's good all of

play39:43

life suddenly

play39:45

has

play39:46

this different perspective i have a

play39:49

morning ritual with emmeline

play39:51

she's six months old for the last six

play39:53

months

play39:54

i'm the guy who gets her out of bed

play39:56

changes the diaper and does the first

play39:58

bottle because betsy's got to do some

play40:00

mom things and it's best if

play40:04

betsy eats breakfast and and i can hand

play40:05

her off and i go right so i've i've

play40:07

pushed back my riding hour by one hour

play40:10

so that i can do this

play40:11

and every morning

play40:13

almost without fail emily and i walk to

play40:15

the front door and we greet the day we

play40:17

open door we step out on the porch and

play40:19

we point out three or four things that

play40:21

are beautiful

play40:22

that's it we just go light on the hills

play40:25

those leaves are moving

play40:26

june carter our dog is chasing a

play40:28

squirrel that's hilarious that's cool

play40:30

snow on the fence you know whatever it

play40:31

is and

play40:33

some days it's just completely gray and

play40:35

it's actually a bit challenging for me

play40:37

what's beautiful

play40:39

there's no light on the hills there's no

play40:41

and what i say to emily is i say amelia

play40:44

how beautiful is it that today is going

play40:47

to make tomorrow special oh that's cool

play40:50

right and so even the hurt the suffering

play40:52

that we feel is even a bad relationship

play40:56

i would not be so grateful for my if i

play40:58

had not had my heart broken i just

play40:59

wouldn't yeah and so pain actually

play41:01

serves us tremendously that's something

play41:03

i talked about my girlfriend was just

play41:04

like i'm so glad that i went through all

play41:06

these challenges because i really value

play41:08

the peace the love the acceptance that

play41:10

you bring the lack of drama this is no

play41:13

drama

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no drama man all right so i want to say

play41:16

it on camera but marry the woman

play41:18

exactly yeah lock that down man it's

play41:20

crazy that he you know and i felt like i

play41:22

always felt like i was and i take full

play41:24

responsibility because i chose the

play41:25

relationships and i stayed in a

play41:26

relationship so it's again

play41:28

yeah nothing wrong with the the people

play41:30

it just wasn't the right alignment

play41:32

but i kept thinking to myself man i feel

play41:34

like i'm running out like a six

play41:36

in my life out of ten like in these

play41:38

civilizations i regret that

play41:40

yeah and i was just like man i feel like

play41:42

it's holding me back from my mission

play41:44

from my my health and they aren't doing

play41:47

it i'm doing it by staying so

play41:49

i needed to learn how to heal and and

play41:51

move on which is was an amazing journey

play41:53

but it's uh you know

play41:56

i think you're just getting started yeah

play41:57

that's how i feel i think this i think

play41:59

what you've found now is what you're

play42:02

actually going to build on

play42:03

it

play42:04

that's the foundation and you know betsy

play42:06

and i kind of made an agreement when we

play42:08

got married hey let's leave the drama

play42:10

outside of this house

play42:12

you and i

play42:13

will go out and face the drama but the

play42:15

energy that i want to spend changing the

play42:17

world can't be wasted on each other and

play42:19

fight it can't be it just can't be and

play42:21