The ONLY WAY To Discover Your True Purpose & Build SELF-ESTEEM | Donald Miller & Lewis Howes

Summary

In this insightful discussion, the speaker shares their journey of personal growth and transformation over the last eight years. They delve into the importance of trust in relationships, self-esteem, and the power of storytelling in shaping our identities. The speaker emphasizes the significance of embracing challenges, understanding the duality of human nature, and the four key characters in every story: the victim, the villain, the hero, and the guide. They advocate for a life of purpose, community, and resilience, highlighting the impact of suffering and the potential for personal evolution. The conversation also touches on the necessity of shifting from a victim mentality to a heroic one, the value of vulnerability, and the pursuit of a meaningful legacy.

Takeaways

• 🌟 Overcoming personal deficiencies and turning them into strengths is a key to success.
• 📣 The power of storytelling and personal narratives significantly impacts our identity and actions.
• 💪 Recognizing and embracing vulnerability is crucial for personal growth and transformation.
• 🤝 The importance of community and connection in achieving a meaningful life.
• 🎯 Setting clear objectives and missions in life provides direction and purpose.
• 🌈 Cultivating an optimistic perspective on suffering can lead to a deeper sense of meaning.
• 🚫 Understanding the pitfalls of a victim mentality and the importance of shifting towards a hero's mindset.
• 💥 The impact of media and narrative on societal division and the need for a united platform.
• 🌱 The significance of personal healing and self-improvement in creating a meaningful legacy.
• 📖 The practice of writing one's own eulogy as a tool for self-reflection and life direction.
• 🎉 Defining greatness by the positive impact and encouragement provided to others rather than individual achievements.

Q & A

What is the significance of self-esteem in relationships according to the speaker?

The speaker emphasizes that self-esteem is crucial in relationships because it allows individuals to believe in their capacity to positively impact their partner. Without high self-esteem, a person may feel they have nothing to offer, which can lead to an unbalanced and unsuccessful relationship.

How does the speaker describe the transformation from being a victim to a hero?

The speaker describes the transformation from victim to hero as a process of recognizing one's own power and potential. It involves shifting from a mindset of helplessness and lack of control to one of agency and responsibility. This change is marked by the individual's decision to actively work on personal growth and make positive contributions to their relationships and the world around them.

What are the four major characters the speaker identifies in every story and how do they relate to personal identity?

The four major characters identified by the speaker are the victim, the villain, the hero, and the guide. These characters represent different aspects of our identity and can be played by an individual in various situations. The speaker suggests that recognizing and balancing these roles within oneself is key to personal growth and effectiveness in life.

How does the speaker suggest building self-esteem?

The speaker suggests that building self-esteem is not about simply declaring oneself awesome but rather about achieving tangible wins in life. These wins can be as simple as completing a marathon, getting a good haircut, or writing a book. By accumulating these victories, one's identity begins to shift, leading to a stronger sense of self-worth.

What is the speaker's perspective on the importance of community and mutual benefit in finding meaning?

The speaker, referencing Victor Frankl, believes that community and mutual benefit are essential for finding meaning in life. According to the speaker, meaning comes from engaging in a project that demands attention and benefiting both oneself and others. This mutual benefit is necessary for a fulfilling life and helps avoid the emptiness of purely self-serving pursuits.

How does the speaker view the role of suffering in personal growth?

The speaker views suffering as an inevitable part of life that can serve as a catalyst for personal growth. By embracing suffering and not resisting it, individuals can learn from their experiences and hardships, transforming them into something useful and meaningful in their lives.

What is the speaker's approach to handling life's challenges and potential midlife crises?

The speaker suggests that instead of being driven by past deficiencies or fears, individuals should face life's challenges head-on and turn them into opportunities for growth. In the case of a midlife crisis, the speaker advises creating a new personal narrative or story for oneself, rather than continuing to follow the cultural scripts given by society.

What does the speaker suggest is the key to a successful and meaningful relationship?

The speaker suggests that the key to a successful and meaningful relationship is not trying to control the other person but instead setting boundaries for the relationship itself. It's about wanting the relationship to change rather than wanting the person to change, and it requires both parties to take responsibility for the health and direction of the relationship.

How does the speaker define 'greatness'?

The speaker defines greatness as the impact one has on others, particularly in encouraging and facilitating their accomplishments. Rather than focusing on personal achievements, the speaker aspires to be remembered for how he inspired and helped others to succeed.

What is the speaker's advice for individuals who feel their life is meaningless or unfulfilling?

The speaker advises such individuals to actively create meaning by engaging in a project that demands their attention, embedding themselves into a community, and adopting an optimistic perspective on suffering. He believes that these three elements, based on the teachings of Victor Frankl, can help one experience a deep sense of meaning in life.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Embracing Deficiency and追梦

The speaker discusses the universal human experience of feeling deficient and how this feeling can drive us towards our dreams and aspirations. They emphasize the importance of having a mission and the value of trust in relationships, sharing personal experiences of growth and healing over the years. The speaker also talks about the power of self-esteem and how it can be built through achieving personal victories and changing one's identity.

05:01

🎭 The Four Characters of Life

The speaker delves into the concept of the four major characters in everyone's life: the victim, the villain, the hero, and the guide. They explain how each person plays all these roles at different times and how these characters can transform based on one's actions and mindset. The speaker highlights the importance of identifying with the hero and guide roles to create a fulfilling life story, using examples from movies and real-life scenarios to illustrate their points.

10:02

🛣️ The Journey from Villain to Hero

The speaker discusses the challenging path from being a villain to becoming a hero, emphasizing the difficulty of change and the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions. They share a personal story of meeting someone on death row who has transformed their life, illustrating that change is possible. The speaker also talks about the power of vulnerability and truth in facilitating this transformation and the importance of recognizing one's own need for growth.

15:02

💔 Healing from Past Hurts

The speaker shares personal insights on healing from past traumas and the importance of not letting past pains dictate one's present and future. They discuss the impact of growing up without a father and how it has shaped their life and perspectives. The speaker also talks about the power of forgiveness and the importance of not trying to control others in relationships, emphasizing the need for mutual respect and understanding.

20:04

🏆 The Power of Stories

The speaker talks about the power of stories in shaping our lives and identities. They discuss how everyone has a story and how these stories can either be fulfilling or empty, depending on how they are approached. The speaker emphasizes the importance of having a clear objective and being part of a community to experience a meaningful life. They also share personal stories and reflections on how they have created their own life stories and the impact these have had on their sense of purpose and direction.

25:07

🌈 Finding Optimism in Suffering

The speaker discusses the importance of maintaining an optimistic perspective on suffering and how it can lead to a deeper sense of meaning in life. They share personal experiences and insights on how suffering can be transformed into growth and learning opportunities. The speaker also talks about the impact of storytelling on personal development and the importance of having a mission or project that demands attention and engagement.

Keywords

💡Deficiency

In the context of the video, 'deficiency' refers to a lack or shortage in one's personal capabilities or resources. It is tied to the idea that everyone has areas where they feel inadequate or insufficient. The speaker uses this term to discuss the universal human experience of feeling a sense of not being enough, which can drive individuals to seek growth and improvement.

💡Trust

Trust is a crucial aspect of relationships discussed in the video. It refers to the confidence and reliability one has in another person's actions and intentions. The speaker emphasizes the importance of trust in a relationship, particularly in terms of not having to second-guess a partner's fidelity and loyalty.

💡Healing

Healing in the video refers to the process of recovery and transformation from past traumas, wounds, or negative experiences. It is a journey of personal growth that involves addressing and overcoming one's deficiencies. The speaker discusses their own healing process and how it positively impacted their relationship and personal development.

💡Self-esteem

Self-esteem is the respect and confidence one has in their own worth and abilities. In the video, the speaker argues that building self-esteem is not about merely declaring oneself awesome but about achieving tangible wins and successes in life. High self-esteem is essential for healthy relationships and personal empowerment.

💡Identity

Identity refers to the characteristics, beliefs, and personality traits that define who a person is. In the video, the speaker discusses the importance of one's identity in shaping their life narrative and the roles they play, such as the victim, villain, hero, or guide. A person's identity influences their actions and perceptions in various situations.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability in the context of the video refers to the willingness to expose one's feelings, weaknesses, or uncertainties. It is a key factor in building authentic relationships and fostering personal growth. The speaker emphasizes that embracing vulnerability can lead to deeper connections and a more genuine sense of self.

💡Transformation

Transformation is the process of change or development in one's character, role, or life circumstances. In the video, the speaker talks about personal transformation as a result of facing challenges and overcoming personal deficiencies. It is about evolving into a better version of oneself through experiences and learning.

💡Narrative

A narrative is a story or a sequence of events that form a coherent whole. In the video, the speaker uses the concept of narrative to discuss how individuals shape their life stories based on their actions, choices, and roles. The speaker emphasizes the importance of being the hero of one's own story and the impact of cultural scripts on personal narratives.

💡Meaning

Meaning in the video refers to the sense of purpose, significance, or fulfillment in one's life. The speaker discusses how individuals can find meaning through their actions, relationships, and contributions to the world. According to the speaker, meaning is derived from engaging in projects, being part of a community, and having an optimistic perspective on suffering.

💡Suffering

Suffering in the video is used to describe the pain, hardship, or distress that individuals experience in life. The speaker argues that suffering is an inevitable part of life that can serve as an opportunity for growth and transformation. It is through suffering that individuals can develop resilience and find a deeper sense of meaning.

Highlights

The importance of recognizing and healing from past traumas and deficiencies.

The significance of trust in relationships and its role in personal growth.

The transformational journey from seeing oneself as a victim to becoming a hero.

The impact of self-esteem on relationships and the power of believing in one's own healing abilities.

The role of identity in our lives and how it influences our actions and decisions.

The importance of embracing challenges and conflicts as they are essential for personal growth and story.

The concept of 'narrative traction' and its significance in maintaining interest and direction in life.

The transformative power of writing one's own eulogy and reading it frequently.

The impact of having a clear mission or story in life and how it prevents an existential vacuum.

The importance of community and connection in overcoming personal struggles and achieving greatness.

The significance of vulnerability in personal development and its role in building authentic relationships.

The role of suffering in creating meaning and the importance of having an optimistic perspective on it.

The impact of personal growth and transformation on one's ability to be a guide and mentor to others.

The importance of recognizing the potential for greatness in every individual and the power of encouragement.

The significance of living a life driven by a sense of purpose and mission, rather than personal accolades.

Transcripts

we need more than we are capable of

getting

and so there's a deficiency in all of us

uh and so for us to say

gosh this hurts

let me turn around

and help other people not have to

experience i think you gotta have a

dream the school of greatness really

yeah please welcome us

what would you say are the three

things that you were able to heal within

the last i guess eight years of yeah of

being together and knowing each other

it's all still happening

um

i've the the trust thing

um

knowing that she's not gonna

you know fool around or flirt with

somebody else and some relationships are

like that but but i'm not comfortable in

that

um

i i just completely now

have somebody

who

i i just feel like i don't have to give

a second thought to

you know and even and she and she has

flirted with other people and i just

kind of go i bet you that was fun she's

like he's cute yeah there you go that's

a level of trust that's a whole other

level of course you know and um and

so it's just it's just fun i mean louis

it's just fun and then the healing that

has happened to me

in terms of just calming down

when you have to be somewhere because

somebody's expecting you you know those

sorts of things you just grow up real

fast yeah you know really really fast

right and then um you know so that's a

big part and then the other part was

probably took me two or three years to

realize oh wait a second this isn't just

her healing me

i'm actually

gonna heal

and i'm going to be a a really

trustworthy guy who said who just

constantly says encouraging things and

you know tries not to ever say anything

demeaning or negative that's not true

because i have but if you're in a

relationship with somebody who doesn't

believe that they have the power to give

anything to you it's not going to work

if they don't believe they have power to

explore actually that their love for you

actually means something

it won't work the relationship won't

work why won't it work because you're

going to be giving everything to them

and they're never going to be giving

back because they don't believe they

have anything to get interesting you

know so i think it's really important

that we have very high self-esteem

in our relationships that we believe no

my words actually have the power to heal

this person how do you think we build

self-esteem if we don't have much of it

okay this is going to be controversial i

don't believe that you can look in the

mirror and say that you're awesome and

build self-esteem i actually think you

have to chalk up some wins

yeah there's got to be some results in

your life exactly you got to go finish a

marathon yeah that'll do it like get a

good haircut buy some new clothes yeah

all that superficial stuff actually

means something and you know

writing a book like you did and

finishing it you know you if you start

chalking up wins your identity begins to

change

the role you play

in the story of your life will determine

your character how important is identity

for us it's everything

why

because you will operate out of your

identity

in stories there are four characters

four major characters the victim

the villain

the hero

and the guide so let me describe them

the victim is the one who believes they

are doomed and they have no way out and

they are looking for a rescuer

the villain is the one who makes others

small they demean others in order to

feel powerful

sometimes physically

uh the hero is the one who

really doesn't have what it takes

but accepts the challenge and transforms

until they can get the job done

and the guide is the one who has played

the hero for so long they have the

expertise to turn around and help

somebody else you will see those four

characters in every story and here's why

those four characters exist in every

story they exist in every story because

they exist in you

you are not one of them you are all four

and i'm all for and really if you look

at your day you'll play all four

characters in one day if you're jumping

on a plane and it's late yeah yeah yeah

if you walk out and your car's been

stolen you're going to feel sorry for

yourself i'm doomed and why does this

happen to me and yeah that's the victim

if

somebody calls and says and cancels an

interview uh you're going to feel

disrespected you're going to say that

little you know what that's the villain

the hero is the one who says i'm not

going to stop i'm going to make sure

this happens until i bench 300 pounds

i'm going to show up every day and i'm

going to transform until i can be the

guy who does it and the guide is the one

who says

this guy's about to step on a landline i

think i need to go talk to him and so we

play those four characters every day but

here's the here's the truth the more you

identify as the victim the worse your

story will go victims and stories do not

transform

their bit parts that make the hero look

good and the villain look bad it's a bit

part and at the end of the story you'll

notice the victim sits on the the bumper

of the ambulance they put a blanket

around them and they the camera shows

them for a second then it goes over and

shows the hero getting their reward the

story the hero yeah who saved or guided

the yeah that's right so when we play

the victims our stories go nowhere we

don't transform we never get what we

want we don't build a legacy we're not

remembered and we suck all the energy

into ourselves

interesting and people need to get away

from us

right and so

if you play the victim your story will

go like a victim in a movie if you play

the villain

where you're

you know you're nice to people when the

camera's on but you're cussing them out

when they when you know behind the

scenes or you're you know i have so many

friends who threaten to sue all the time

i'm like do you realize how yourself

other people yeah other people yeah yeah

that's how they operate and i'm like do

you realize that as soon as you send

that email they get on the phone and

call 20 people

and you're burning bridges left and

right yeah you're pl you're being a vil

this is what the villain would do in a

movie

don't do it because here's what happens

if they'll in a movie they're shot

right they die they die they go to jail

they die or they go to jail yeah that's

and so the same thing's gonna happen you

may not go to jail but you're gonna be

in a social prison

where people are gonna you know and then

you gotta cycle through friends because

you've burned them all out

the hero what happens to the hero is

they they experience a reward because

they accomplish something great but the

bigger thing is they transform so at the

beginning of the movie they are

ill-equipped they are afraid they don't

know what to do

um they need help and at the end of the

movie they're strong

and if we want to become our a better

version of ourselves we have to do what

heroes do and what heroes do is they see

something that they can't do

they accept that they can't do it and

they become the person who can do it by

continuing to hit their head against the

wall that's what they do and then what

we find out

is if we do that 10 or 12 times and we

become

the great awesome man which tends to

happen to us in our late 20s

i think we're invincible and yeah we

start figuring out it's actually a

pretty empty life

and we turn around and we help somebody

else and we go wait a second that felt

really meaningful

and

you know you you start playing the guide

more and more and so the the real

beautiful journey of life is you have

this opportunity to play the hero and

you slowly transform into the guy i did

um if you ever get a chance to interview

pete carroll with the seahawks okay i

went up in and he gave me 15 minutes in

his office and we spent two hours

together

and one of the things that i asked him

because in these interviews sometimes

i'll ask i'll say hey when did you

realize that you were special now almost

everybody i've ever asked that to played

the humble card and said oh there's

nothing he didn't

i really liked it he said i was in high

school

wow he said my doctor wouldn't let me

play football because i was too small

but i knew that i was bigger than my

body i knew it i knew i was special

that's cool it was very cool

and i was so glad he was honest and then

i said um

i said but did that bring you meaning by

accomplishing so much and he said no he

said one of the best things that ever

happened to me is i chalked up a lot of

wins when i was young because i realized

they were empty and it wasn't until i

started coaching and helping other

people other heroes win

that i found meaning that's kind of how

i felt well that's what you do if you

think about it you play the guy yeah

right you sit there you you metabolize

content quickly and turn around so that

somebody else can use it yeah there was

something always missing inside yeah

like i would go and spend years

sometimes decades pursuing a goal and

then i would accomplish it

and then i'd be like well now what and i

didn't have there was a there was like a

a feeling of like yes i can do what i

set out to do but it wasn't a deeper

fulfillment and i think i don't know if

it was because

for most of my life i was doing i was

accomplishing things to prove people

wrong

and so the energy and the effort behind

trying to

you know prove the three bullies wrong

or these people who said no to me wrong

or who picked me last and like having

that fuel left me feeling like uh it

wasn't a meaningful fuel

the the pursuit and the goal was

significant for me but the energy behind

it wasn't

out of pure love and i think it was out

of like i'm doing this because i love it

because i want to inspire people

as opposed to i want to prove like i

don't know all these people wrong i

might have had more fulfillment but when

i transition into

well how can i just serve

and through the school of greatness and

how can i collect information from wise

people like yourself and then facilitate

and share this with others and help them

improve that's when it became another

level of fulfillment victor frankl would

say that in order to

to be meaningful an objective needs to

be mutually beneficial it needs to

benefit you and it needs to benefit

others if it only benefits you it won't

work interesting

you know it needs to be a team or a you

know you can't do it alone one of the

three things that victor frankl said you

need to put into your life in order to

experience a deep sense of meaning is

community and he also included art and

nature into that because basically he

was saying you got to stop staring at

your belly button pulling the lint out

and holding it up to the light you're

going to drive yourself nuts right get

get into a community and share an

objective with a group of people and try

to accomplish it what happens if we just

do it something for ourselves only

it'll be empty you know when you when

you watch a story um you know

there's been like 37 rocky movies right

but i can't remember which one i watched

that you know rocky wanted to win the

heavyweight bow that's always the story

and but if you think about it wanting to

win the heavyweight

championship

um

is a very selfish endeavor and so

if you play that movie out and he wins

it the audience will not like him in

fact they'll turn on

so what they had what the screenwriters

had to do to make the story work is they

had rocky start mentoring a fatherless

kid

take care of a single mom buy an old

homeless man dinner i'm not kidding he

goes to a dog pound and rescues a dog

and adopts the dog

that way the audience will cheer for him

when he wins the heavyweight fight

because he's doing it for more people

than himself because he's it's a good

person winning the championship rather

than just a person who's driven only for

themselves now what's fascinating about

that is the screenwriters had to put all

of that in there in order to make the

movie work so what does that tell us

about life we've got to put all that in

there you got to make it work

if you want to experience you know your

life is a story

it is your life is a story and when

people say i'm restless or i'm bored i

had a great um coffee with an

acquaintance in portland a friend of

mine said when you get together my

friend you wrote a book about traveling

around america um he's wants to write a

book about traveling around ark you just

finished will you get together i did the

kids 10 years younger than me just

starting out and writing and i realized

pretty quickly this kid is a nihilist

this kid believes that life is futile

and there's no meaning to anything which

in portland is like

right i mean the state flag you could

just have life it's meaningless but

marijuana leave

but you know i said something to him

that um was offensive what did you say i

said

what if life is not meaningless what if

just your life is made

and here's what i meant by that

what if life hands you the opportunity

to live a story

and the story that you are writing with

your life is not pleasing or satisfying

it's boring it's the equivalent of

sitting in a theater and watching a

blank screen

i said life is not meaningless life is

just stuff that you can put together and

make what you want with it what you have

made is meaningless and it's giving you

the experience of meaningless but don't

project your meaninglessness on me don't

say the world is meaningless

what's the point of being here just

because you haven't created something

meaningful that's exactly yeah or even

meaningful for yourself

right

life hands us these cultural scripts

right when we're born we're born into a

family

you know we're the son or we're the

daughter

and our parents give us a script and we

we play out that story then we get into

school and it's usually an education

script then you get into university and

there are there there's two scripts

happening in university it one is a

career script and the other is find a

mate

or whatever you know those are the

scripts then you get married and you

have kids and there's a family script

and you know what happens after that

there are no more cultural scripts

nobody gives you a script and so what is

midlife crisis it's literally you've

played out the story that culture gave

you and you did not create a new one for

yourself and so now you're sitting in

the theater of your own mind you're

watching a blank screen and it's driving

you crazy that my friend is your fault

so what if someone's in their early 20s

what should they be reconsidering about

their story they should look at their

life like a story

they should say look if i were a hero in

a story

what would i do differently i've heard

joe rogan say this i've heard a number

of people say it but if i were a hero in

a story and i were talking to my

girlfriend this way

what does that do to the story does the

audience root for this character do they

not like this character i mean so the

biggest regrets of my life

are things that i've said to people

that if you showed that with out of

context if you just showed that

everybody would go oh it's the villain

you know and um

that stuff is in my story so then you

ask yourself okay if i've screwed up how

do you fix it well how would a hero fix

it

you apologize you make it right you yeah

don't do that again you you know and

everybody's going oh we like this guy

uh-huh yeah yeah and so he said sorry

pretty easy

now

how does a villain change their identity

into a hero i have a cynical view of

villains i i think it's i think it's

very very

difficult for a narcissistic control

freak to actually change

um but how do you do it we just had a

therapist who's the expert on narcissism

uh on and it's been going viral and she

was like you can't change a narcissist i

kind of agree with that it's like unless

they're willing to look within which

that's right which is great and take

accountability which is almost

impossible and say i want to go to

therapy

a couple days a week and do this for

years to be willing to really start to

break these patterns

i don't know if it's that extreme but

this is what she said based on her

experience of decades of working with

narcissists so you're saying villains

are hard to change well not all villains

i have a friend who uh occasionally have

the honor of visiting his name is terry

and terry is on death row in tennessee

terry killed a young woman when he was

about 18 years old raped her and killed

her

and terry's probably 55 now

and he's consistently scheduled to be

executed

and you know lives

you know but when you sit and talk to

terry he has

wholeheartedly processed

what he did

wholeheartedly right so much so that

he's actually written back and forth

with family members of the young woman

and they've written to him

and i think the the path to going from

villain

to hero

is when the villain stops and says i was

wrong and i have to make amends for what

i did

and then that character for watching a

movie is now transformed into a hero and

can move on and they can start to see

themselves as a hero but that's really

hard for somebody to do when they

believe that

if they admit that they're wrong it puts

me in a weak position and i'm vulnerable

and now i'm exposed to an outside threat

they think i'll never i'll never ever

admit that i'm wrong because

that's a weakness and the one rule of

being a villain is never ever show that

you're weak why is vulnerability such a

key

factor in life because it's truth yeah

why is it so hard for so many people oh

it's hard for me

for me like your mom you said she wasn't

vulnerable for many years i don't know

if that she was she was so vulnerable

you know in the last 15 years of her

life

she was incredibly vulnerable really

yeah why did that shift she realized and

her children did such a good job

loving her

you know i hate to take for my sister

and i take some credit for that but uh i

think that was a big a big big part of

it and then i just think you know she

became a grandma only because of my

sister she didn't she never got to meet

my baby

but i think that that was part of it too

who knows i i think um

villain villainy and pride go hand in

hand

and you know

my mom

she divorced my dad or my dad left when

i was two years old and my mom

made a decision we never talked about it

but i know from the way she literally

she made a decision she would never ever

ever get her heart broken again

so for the last 40 years of her life she

never dated she had no love she had no

love yeah that's tough because she was

not going to get hurt

she was not going to take that risk

isn't that crazy the fear of pain or

feeling that pain once can make help

have us hold on to it for so long yup to

not want to put ourselves out there to

experience love again yeah

yeah or to become cynical about the

nature of love itself or to not realize

that the person that you love is

actually going to hurt you

they're just going to do it yeah they're

going to hurt you and you and you're

going to hurt them

but what is love if it's this

conditional thing of like well it's over

if you hurt me

right that's not love

right you know i don't think we can

expect

to always be respected or carried about

by the person that we're with and so our

ability to be forgiving creates an even

greater bond and our willingness to say

no i'm going down with this ship

if you hurt me it's gonna it's gonna be

worse than death wow but i am here wow

you know and not try to that was the

other thing that i realized in so many

relationships early on that you can't

control somebody and love them at the

same time

it doesn't work

why not

because if you're controlling them it's

not a genuine relationship

what is it

uh it's you interacting with a puppet oh

man

or in a puppet by the way it's pure

fantasy on your part because they're

actually not a puppet

they're complying right but compliance

isn't genuine you just can't you just

can't control somebody and love them at

the same time you can't control somebody

and be in a loving relationship it

doesn't work

what's the alternative

set them free i mean think you know

let's go back to sting

if you love somebody set them free yeah

i think that's that's the alternative is

that set them free by not being with

them or set them free in the

relationship you set them free in the

relationship so what i learned was that

you stop

in in my relationship with betsy

hopefully if i'm doing it right i'm

never wanting betsy to be different

or i'm wanting betsy to change what i'm

wanting is what i have boundaries on is

the relationship that we are in

so in a dating relationship you would

never say

i can't be with somebody who does this

what you would say is i don't want to be

in a relationship that feels this way

[Music]

are you do you want to change so we can

be in this or or not right you know my

friend henry cloud is here in town says

you got a view of some relationships

like a coke machine

if you put a dollar 25 in a coke machine

it doesn't give you a coke machine you

go to different machines

right right you don't keep putting money

in press other buttons try to get it

doesn't this doesn't work and so when

you're in a relationship you go actually

i'm looking for

commitment and affection and you're just

looking to get laid or whatever you know

then uh

it won't work it won't work stop putting

money into it yeah go to a different one

and it's it takes responsibility from

both parties to recognize and see that

yeah and then i expect something from

the person who's just wanting to get

laid and expect something different

and then not expect you to be different

as well it's like

it's never gonna work yeah yeah it took

me a long time to have awareness but

don't you think love and fear go hand in

hand yeah because i'm having

conversations with my girlfriend in the

last few weeks that i had some like

i had to step into courage like let go

of past fears and step into courageous

thought action words

that felt a little like

not fearful but just like

man i want it to work out you know you

want it to be well yeah you want it to

be healthy you want to be strong and so

it takes courage i think to fully love

and not go through pain again it does

you know i um i found my dad

uh cause he left when you were two he's

left when i was two and i found him when

i was in my mid-thirties i had just

released a book about growing up without

a father what was that like

it was terrifying

he lived in indiana

and um

i called him

and said

my name is donald miller i'm your son

and i'm on my way to your house wow left

a voicemail

he called me back

so i know he got the call but i was too

scared to answer i'm driving to his

house and i'm in chicago i'm six hours

away wow and i'm too scared dancing i

don't want to have

i don't know what to do and knocked on

his door went in

and

he's watching fox news he's drinking a

beer

and he i was very happy about two things

he had his hair and he was in good

health yeah you're like good okay yeah

yeah and we just had this conversation

and he explained what happened you know

mom who i love you know who passed away

who became this amazing woman

emasculated him

and he felt the need to leave and um i

didn't i didn't understand

how could you there's something

biochemical that happens when you have a

kid

how how can you

how can anything

pull you away from that it just made no

sense to me right and louis we had a

baby six months ago

and one of the things that i thought was

so amazing i still felt like how could

anything play away from this but what i

didn't realize what i never saw coming

was

my entire

happiness well-being

view of whether or not life is good or

bad

now depends

on the well-being of this child

in other words if anything happens to

this kid

my life is over really my marriage is

over

my understanding and view of whether or

not god is good is over really

everything is that what you're telling

yourself right now

it's what's true

is it the truth or is it i think if

anything happened to emily i don't know

that i could survive come on i don't

know louis really i'm telling you i'm

not kidding so parents are watching this

going oh louis is going to find out

right yeah i mean i think it was

madeline lingle who said having a child

is like having your heart walk around

the room oh my gosh outside your body

that's tough yeah and uh why wouldn't

the marriage work if something happened

i think um

so much of

of what became

the the purpose of our lives

was to give ourselves sacrificially to

the to the well-being of this child not

all of it

we still give to each other we still

have our identities but um

you know to lose something that you love

that much

is you know i just don't know that i

parents do it and parents survive

there's always something kind of missing

and yeah yeah but i i just don't know

how they do it

you know right and thank god and and

pray that that never yeah never have to

answer that question but i only say all

that to say love demands courage so why

did my father leave i think one of the

reasons is this is freaking scary mm-hmm

this is terrifying

yeah this is terrifying what was the

biggest lesson you learned growing up

without a father

i learned that when you when you grow up

with deficiencies either monetary

deficiencies or relational deficiencies

or even

physical handicaps

and i don't want to offend anybody

you're actually at an advantage if if

you can

metabolize that and turn it into

strength why is that

because when you work out you go tear up

your body

and it turns into muscle mm-hmm the

problem is a lot of people with monetary

deficiencies or handicaps whatever

they'll go into victim mindset

and so the muscle will never come

but if we can actually turn around and

say no i'm going to see this as a hero

and a story

turn on your favorite movie here's how

it starts the hero

is some sort of orphan

their parents have left somebody has

abandoned them and they feel alone it's

formulaic

right because it makes the story better

right because we get to see them

reconcile with whoever get what they

want or become a whole

and you know every parent screws up

their kid

it is

it's amazing to me my mom never made

more than twenty thousand dollars a year

we've stood in line for government

cheese

you know inline is being raised

in 15 posh acres in the nicest

neighborhood in tennessee yeah she's

getting a completely different life so

does she have a disadvantage i want i've

asked myself that question

right i've asked myself that question is

there any kid that grows up in a healthy

parent relationship yeah love fully they

have a much better chance of being happy

really than not but they have a lesser

chance of actually

seeing a massive uh

success or accomplishment really

why is that there's no driving there was

a study done among ceos

and

really really successful ceos and they

said okay what's the common uh

denominator between the ones who are

clearly a cut above

and they found the common denominators

when they grew up poor isn't that crazy

a lot of a lot of these i heard a story

something like

20 or 30 i'm i'm messing it up but a big

percentage of

presidents like grew up without parents

like dads i think it's like their dads

died early or hillary clinton barack

obama

george w bush obviously had a great

father

um

i don't know jimmy carter's history

nixon

they didn't have fathers

home relationships yeah you know abusive

uh yeah i mean you just take it all back

i don't know joe biden's story i'm not

sure but yeah a lot of them it's that

orphan heart that drives you

what is that what is the orphan heart

the orphan heart doesn't prove that i

belong in this world that i matter

because nobody ever told it to me oh man

now hopefully that gets healed i feel

like in barack obama's life that got

healed i think in bill clinton's life i

think that got healed

um

but hopefully you find healing but it

can be jet fuel

you know it can also destroy you yeah

you know and it's much more likely to

destroy it i think than to be jet fuel

really yeah so we don't want to do that

to our kids

sure but you think a child growing up

with

financial abundance let's say safety

peace

healthy loving relationship has a far

harder chance to do something much more

significant or what what is the

challenge they face

those kids tend to do very very well

they tend to not be let's be clear about

what i'm saying here that'll take big

risks

they're not driven by wounds

right

i mean if you've got a cattle prod poke

you in the butt every five minutes

you're gonna move yeah yeah right and so

it's not it's not a it's not a bad thing

i mean i i don't want a cat i don't want

emily to grow up with the sense of

inadequacy that i had

and that drive to be important because

i'm trying to prove that i'm not the kid

from the wrong side of the tracks you

know if you look at my financial success

i guarantee you louis 90 of it as i'm

trying to prove to myself that i'm not

white trash

guaranteed

absolutely wow still

not as much anymore you've healed it

more now because again you know one of

the ways that you develop self-esteem is

you chalk up some wins yeah yeah then

you've you've proven it to yourself like

okay i've i've created some results yeah

hopefully i think there's people who

they never they never get to the point

improving so they just burn themselves

out

trying to trying to prove they're not

whatever deficient you talked about the

if you took snapshots of you as a

villain you know in your past

you know and it was up on a big screen

for the world to see oh yeah i'd be dead

your words out of context are taken in

yeah well in context they weren't that

much better

um how important is the spoken word and

the internal word

for

any four of these characters and and for

our overall identity to live a

meaningful life

yeah the spoken word what we say to our

you know to ourselves or someone else

and the internal word we speak to

ourselves yeah

you know there's an assignment in the

book and i do this eulogy one four

mornings a week at least i read my own

eulogy

and um

it says

it outlines the three stories that i've

got in my life

one is my the story of my family which

we've built a retreat center called

goose hill you can't pay to go there

it's just inviting friends and family

yeah and

but

that story is specifically designed to

give my family something to do

it's designed so that we can have some

goals and accomplish those goals

together because you know the story

can't just be about let's have a great

family and you create a great family

when you start a family business that

tries to raise the money this summer to

go to disney world that's a great story

and then the family bonds around that

story so that's the family story we have

this retreat center i have a business

story business made simple is my company

and i really want to build

six different frameworks that are so

good they help small businesses grow and

then i want to take that to a major

university

and have the business made simple school

for entrepreneurs

and i want to teach at that school

so that's that's my goal and i want that

story to happen and i'm actively

pursuing

that happening and then there's a third

goal

that's called build the middle class and

i own buildmiddleclass.com i haven't

done anything with it yet

but

i'm working with a bunch of folks out of

dc to

identify just happens to be eight pieces

of legislation that will get america

moving again

and bring moderate republicans and blue

dog democrats to gather a middle of the

country

so that we can stop being controlled by

these extremists who are really

whack-a-nut jobs right and there's so

many of us who just see eye to eye

whether you're a republican or democrat

doesn't matter we all want the same

thing on healthcare with the same thing

in education so that third story which

is really the story from you know 55 on

i'm starting to put little things on the

plot i have a weekly meeting with a

think tank in dc

starting to take notes on it that's

going to be the third and final story of

my career in my life

the cool thing about reading your eulogy

is you know what your stories are and

the biggest benefit of that is you know

what to say no to

i have

30 years left the average

american lives to be about 78.5 i'm

hoping you know i've lost some weight

i'm i'm drinking my apple cider vinegar

but i'm trying to live longer but the

reality is i've got 30 years so when

there's a story about

you know don let's go make a tv show

about this

i look at my eulogies and go i would

love to dub i can't

i got three stories left wow that's it

three stories left

and

we don't have time

what happens if one of these stories

doesn't either doesn't work out or

something changes where there's no

longer the ability to take on that story

well um it doesn't matter in terms of

experiencing meaning because you

actually according to victor frankl you

actually experience meaning there's

three things that have to happen for you

to experience meaning one is you have to

have a project that demands your

attention

a reason to get out of bed in the

morning there has to be an open story

loop in your brain but you need to close

will lewis house uh

finish the new book

there's a story right uh and you have to

have that if there's no story you're

toast

so that's the first thing the second

thing is a community nature or art

things that pull you out of yourself

and then the third thing is fascinating

it's a

optimistic

or redemptive perspective on suffering

so basically you have to embrace

suffering

and not resist it uh you have to

understand that while suffering is

painful it isn't a bad thing

what's the last one again

an optimistic perspective on suffering

if you have those three things you will

experience a deep sense of meaning in

life

and

i

figured that out when i read his book

man search for meaning and i applied it

to my life starting about 12 years ago

and

i have not struggled with depression i

have not struggled with any of that

there's been sad days tragedies in my

life

but um there's not been a single day

when i haven't experienced a deep sense

of meaning

and

he considers that an antidote to

depression

in fact he developed logotherapy a

therapy of meaning in order to take

teenagers in vienna in the 1930s

through small groups where they would

identify a project embed themselves into

a community and find you know yes you're

abused by your father what's good about

that yes it's a horrible thing we

wouldn't wish that anyone

what benefit is there

what does that make possible because

you're abused by your father what makes

you a more tender person makes you aware

of suffering makes you a better human

being in some ways and if you can redeem

and metabolize your suffering and make

it turn into something useful in your

life you have meaning and what happened

was that they had a suicide problem in

vienna especially around time grades

were released so the hospital system in

vienna said um dr frankl

you've done a lot of work with us can

you help he puts all these kids into

small groups and under his watch not a

single person commits suicide

and so i think what a lot of our

restlessness and boredom what it

actually is it's a lack of meaning

and i believe you can create and

generate meaning if you do those three

things yeah i think tony robbins talks

about this where he was like he loves

victor frankl he loved his mom but his

mom used to like beat him and like pour

soap down his mouth or something like

does a bunch of stuff that like you know

kind of ruined him in some ways but made

him so um care so much about human

beings and helping heal people and

improve the quality of life of people

that that drove him to become better

yeah so here's an interesting fact that

you just pointed out

villains and heroes actually have the

exact same backstory

they have both the the villain story and

the backstory of the hero are pain

remember i said the hero's an orphan yes

there's is always an orphan in some way

they're they're offend

at the beginning of the movie they have

pain

the villain if you'll watch the movie

closely screenwriters will put a scar on

their face a limp some sort of speech

impediment what they're indicating is

that this person has a painful backstory

so the difference between the villain

the hero is one thing it's how they

respond to pain because they were

abandoned also that's right yeah and the

villain says the world hurt me i'm gonna

hurt it back

and the hero says the world hurt me i'm

not going to let this happen to anybody

else wow it's just literally how you

decide to react to pain that causes you

to be the villain or the victim it's the

third part of a meaningful mission you

know it's the third part of the

framework you're talking about which is

what's the benefit from your pain what's

the yes the optimism yeah yeah it's

that's it's how you respond to pain that

either turns you into the victim or

turns you into the hero and determines

the quality of the rest of your life

isn't that interesting yeah but at some

point there's probably need to be a

healing that occurs for the

the hero to become a hero yeah but i

think the healing happens in action yeah

you know i think it happens in action

going to therapy getting into a

relationship learning from past mistakes

helping someone else that's all growth

is is learning from our mistakes yeah my

therapist says that healing is not a a

it's not an event it's a it's a journey

it's a consistent journey of showing up

in that process yeah it doesn't just oh

i'm healed in one moment it's like

constantly showing up is there a way to

end suffering do you think

in our lives you don't want to why not

because you'll stop growing

yeah you'll stop growing um

you know i believe and i don't i don't

really understand why louis but i

believe there's something fundamentally

broken in the nature of the world

it's easy to not think that if you live

in america but leave the country for a

little bit right you know a lot of

things are broken go through

iraq you know there's something

fundamentally broken

in the world so i don't think in this

world you're gonna get away from

suffering and then there's also just

something funnily broken in our hearts

right because we we need more than we

are capable of getting

and so there's a deficiency in all of us

uh and so for us to say

gosh this hurts

let me turn around

and help other people not have to

experience pain as much

that's those those are the very people

that we call heroes that's the that's

the characteristic

you know and so um without suffering you

have no opportunity to be a hero without

pain there's no story without conflict

there's no story so let me tell you a

story yeah buddy of mine um

he lives here in l.a he loves to play

volleyball okay and he gets a call

and he says hey come down to the beach

we're playing volleyball all your

buddies are here let's go

he just like can't believe this walks

out looks down he sees his buddies

playing volleyball down the beach goes

down starts playing volleyball with them

you know they play a few games each game

ends in a tie and somebody says well i'm

hungry it's tuesday it's taco tuesday

let's go to the taco truck they go they

get some brisket tacos they get some

fish is this story

interesting no no you're sitting there

going when is the story gonna get

started right what you're actually

saying is

where's the problem oh

so without the problem there is no story

so let's say my buddy gets a call

they're playing volleyball she's walking

on the beach he's looking down at him

and an earthquake hits the ground opens

up half his friends falling now we got a

story right

so until there is a challenge in your

life

or until you actually

engage or even dream up a challenge i'm

going to run a marathon i'm going to ask

this girl out i'm going to start a

business i'm going to write a book i'm

going to what i'm going to lose 100

pounds until you you say

that's something i don't think i can do

but i'm going to try your life is boring

wow and but what do we do we seek

comfort we actually run the opposite

direction

and so once we engage this idea that

suffering it actually benefits us

it transforms us and it's good all of

life suddenly

has

this different perspective i have a

morning ritual with emmeline

she's six months old for the last six

months

i'm the guy who gets her out of bed

changes the diaper and does the first

bottle because betsy's got to do some

mom things and it's best if

betsy eats breakfast and and i can hand

her off and i go right so i've i've

pushed back my riding hour by one hour

so that i can do this

and every morning

almost without fail emily and i walk to

the front door and we greet the day we

open door we step out on the porch and

we point out three or four things that

are beautiful

that's it we just go light on the hills

those leaves are moving

june carter our dog is chasing a

squirrel that's hilarious that's cool

snow on the fence you know whatever it

is and

some days it's just completely gray and

it's actually a bit challenging for me

what's beautiful

there's no light on the hills there's no

and what i say to emily is i say amelia

how beautiful is it that today is going

to make tomorrow special oh that's cool

right and so even the hurt the suffering

that we feel is even a bad relationship

i would not be so grateful for my if i

had not had my heart broken i just

wouldn't yeah and so pain actually

serves us tremendously that's something

i talked about my girlfriend was just

like i'm so glad that i went through all

these challenges because i really value

the peace the love the acceptance that

you bring the lack of drama this is no

drama

no drama man all right so i want to say

it on camera but marry the woman

exactly yeah lock that down man it's

crazy that he you know and i felt like i

always felt like i was and i take full

responsibility because i chose the

relationships and i stayed in a

relationship so it's again

yeah nothing wrong with the the people

it just wasn't the right alignment

but i kept thinking to myself man i feel

like i'm running out like a six

in my life out of ten like in these

civilizations i regret that

yeah and i was just like man i feel like

it's holding me back from my mission

from my my health and they aren't doing

it i'm doing it by staying so

i needed to learn how to heal and and

move on which is was an amazing journey

but it's uh you know

i think you're just getting started yeah

that's how i feel i think this i think

what you've found now is what you're

actually going to build on

it

that's the foundation and you know betsy

and i kind of made an agreement when we

got married hey let's leave the drama

outside of this house

you and i

will go out and face the drama but the

energy that i want to spend changing the

world can't be wasted on each other and

fight it can't be it just can't be and

it and i'm so glad that she's in

alignment with that you and your wife

are either gonna have a mission

or

she's gonna be the mission and you're

gonna be the mission gosh there's so

many marriages i feel like that are that

i have drama and it's like you're

constantly working on the marriage to

fix something yeah yeah isn't that true

i mean would you rather change the world

and change your wife yes yeah absolutely

a lot of women feel that way about their

husbands right yeah what needs to happen

in order for people in relationships

whether they're married or not to get

out of drama

and into

peaceful experiences and move into their

their energy into the world as opposed

to stressing about the relationship what

do you think needs to happen because so

many marriages and relationships are

struggling yeah i don't think two people

should

spend their life metaphorically looking

into each other's eyes i think they

should be shoulder to shoulder looking

at something to do

and i think what so many relationships

are missing is a story

we are going to start a business we are

going to start a grocery store where we

give away the food to to people for free

we are going to

build a retreat center we are going to

write a book together we are going stop

this

stop this because this isn't what life

is about what we need is a partner

a group protagonist what a family is a

group protagonist story

and what a story has to have is an

objective

something hard to do to overcome or to

do or overcome or accomplish and then

here's the next dangerous part

when you overcome it you accomplish it

if you don't get another story started

you're going to hit what victor frankl

calls the existential vacuum

it's a narrative void it's it's there's

no again it's a blank screen that i'm

looking at nothing is happening what's

the meaning what am i supposed to be

doing in my life now yeah when uh when i

read viktor frankl's book i dr had

ridden uh

about 10 of us rode our bicycles from

los angeles to delaware wow we did it

one summer how long partly how i lost

weight uh it took seven weeks wow and so

we did that and i lived enough stories

you know written some books and kind of

that i knew once we got to washington dc

we had one more day you can cross

delaware in a day it's about 75 miles

and from dc and um

i knew

man

two weeks from now i'm going to be

clinically depressed

because you have no mission next well

not only that but you know we're eating

seven to ten thousand calories a day our

bodies are completely jacked up they're

just screwed up you know we're uh

you know we're with each other we're

giggling and laughing we're experiencing

pain every day we're doing you know it's

a story

and as soon as the story's over

i realize i'm gonna be sitting in the

theater and and and i picked up viktor

frankl's book in the holocaust museum

because you know he was a survivor of

the holocaust

i picked it up and i read it on the

flight home and basically that book

screamed at me

get involved in another story

now

do not go home and sit down yeah well

maybe take three days to recover your

body but that's what planning yeah for

me it was about three weeks and start

planning the next day start playing that

story and so what i did was um

uh

i got a call saying dom will you come

do a little prayer at the democratic

national convention well i'm a

republican

and i said yeah but i went and i'd known

about barack obama he was a senator he

had some great fatherlessness

legislation

and the to the to the group there i said

hey listen

um

what's he going to do on fatherhood and

they outline this whole plan i said can

i go around the country and just say

what this man is going to do if he's

elected president on one of our critical

issues in this country they said yes so

i just became a surrogate speaker i

lived there about three of us we

basically lived in our cars and changed

into suits and

in

in airports and i would fly back between

all the swing states and i was doing it

partly because i wanted this guy to be

president he's a pretty moderate

reasonable guy he actually he actually

did some great things um

but i was also doing it because i didn't

want to have an existential vacuum i

needed something exciting to involve

myself in and it worked and while i was

on the campaign trail i'm getting text

messages from friends who are on the

trip saying

i've never been so depressed and i don't

know what to do and who's on the bike

trip exactly do you guys want to meet in

delaware and ride back

anyway and uh

you know um so

i think a lot of people who are

listening to this conversation

and they're feeling like their life is

going nowhere i would say you get

yourself involved in a story if you

don't have a mission find somebody with

a mission and join them get involved get

involved how many parts to a story are

there and what are the parts well the

basic story is a character

that wants something

and overcomes conflict to get it

that's it right luke

wants to destroy the death star has to

overcome his own insecurities and

physical

inadequacies in order to learn to be a

jedi in order to destroy the death star

that's it

king george

wants to overcome a stutter because he's

been saddled with the kingship of uk

he has to overcome that stutter with

lionel the drama teacher in order to

give the final speech that's every

single story you can imagine

now the key is

you can pause any any good movie and say

what does the hero want and if the

audience can't answer you got a bad

movie

so if i were to look at your life and

pause it

and say what does lewis want

and we don't know

and to be honest lewis doesn't know

louis is having a bad life experience

wow and he will tell you so if you don't

know what you want

if you don't if you can't identify

remember i said earlier i want three

things i want

goose hill to operate is a family home

i want business made simple to be taught

in universities

i want to build a middle class

if you pause don's life there are three

he's involved in three stories there's

zero chance for an existential vacuum if

you're involved so if you don't know

what you want

what happens if you don't know what you

want or if you have not joined a

movement that wants something that has a

mission you have what viktor frankl

calls an existential vacuum and what i

call a narrative void a lack of story in

your life and the lack of story is

boring not only lack of stories boring

lack of story is dangerous

because uh

you're standing around on set and the

other actors are doing something and you

have no role to play here

it's extremely dangerous it's going to

lead to you know a mental health

breakdown

you know so

the key is to get something going that i

call narrative traction

and narrative traction happens when you

become interested in your own life again

and the only way you can get narrative

traction and become interested in your

own life is to actually set an objective

before you which opens a story question

will don be able to run the marathon

will the company be able to make a

profit this year will will the woman of

my dreams marry me

will we be able to finish this book will

we

that if there is no story question in

your life you have no narrative traction

and you're going to end up in an

existential void how do you

define what you want if you don't know

what if you're like well i don't know

what i want or i want

i have so many ideas i want these 10

different things okay well that's

another lesson right there if you want

10 different things your movie's not

going to work out

you know if if jason bourne wants to

know who he really is and also lose 30

pounds and also marry the girl and also

adopt a cat but he wants to do it

ethically because he travels a lot we

have ruined the movie we've absolutely

ruined the movie and so there are a lot

of people who are stimulation junkies

they just want to be stimulated

so if you just want to be stimulated

that's not a you know if you went to a

movie about somebody who just wanted to

be stimulated so they're getting drunk

they're getting laid they're doing all

this kind of stuff you watch that movie

you would be watching a movie that was

hopeless you would be saying i feel so

sorry for this guy

right

but when that person says this is

meaningless

what i actually want to do is be an

entrepreneur and build a business

and prove to my dad that i really didn't

have to go to college now we got a story

now we got a story but you've got to

write that down and you've got to put

together a plan and pursue it every day

if you if you choose too many things

your the story is hard to follow and

it'll be hard for you to follow how many

things

can

how many things can we choose in a year

in a year

well i think we have like a health story

my health story this year is going to be

this my business story and my family

relationship story is that too much no

you just said it the answer's three

three yeah so the human brain loves

three mm-hmm

i don't know why it loves three i'm sure

there's been some studies

four

might also work five won't work

we've you know over and over even in

sales if you give people three options

they'll choose one if you give them four

they'll choose flight life you give them

five they won't choose any

so the brain can really prioritize about

three things in a in a month and a year

and a how long i wouldn't put a timeline

on it okay you know i you know i would

just say

these are the three things that i want

to do when one of them is done you

retire that story you plug in another

one interesting and i really like

i like the whole health

relationships career yeah i mean i like

that that trinity it's in um rory vaden

our friend has a

book called procrastinate on purpose

yeah he's like you know you might have a

lot of goals and dreams but what is the

most important thing that you want to do

right now and then kind of put these in

the background and procrastinate it

until it becomes until you accomplish

the main thing and then the next 100

agree with that in fact

there's a planner in the back of the

book and there's in the back of the book

there's a daily planner it's actually a

morning ritual you fill out you and you

identify your top three priorities and

then there's literally another line that

says secondary tasks yeah because you

don't want to confuse picking up the dry

cleaning with working on the book right

right right go with wrinkled clothes but

don't not finish the book do the main

thing first yeah exactly exactly

um when did you write your eulogy first

i wrote my eulogy about 10 years ago

what did that do for you when you did it

it gave me incredible clarity about what

my life needs to become incredible

clarity

yeah writing my eulogy told me what

direction my life needed to go

and

i i read it i edit it

pretty frequently

how is it different from 10 years ago to

now oh it's completely different uh in

10 years i've realized how much a human

being can do

and uh it was

it was a they were they were small

visions 10 years ago and now they are

not small visions really what were they

like 10 years ago oh it's like you know

get out of debt maybe write a book

someday now it's fix the government

right

change the world yeah yeah change the

world wow yeah so uh and those and those

are all 100 completely

doable you know these are things that we

can do in our lifetimes wow

so how often do you read it

about four times three to three to five

times a week

but about four times actually there's

software that my team has created and

you can click i read my eulogy and it

will literally count the number of times

you've done it

that's it so it gamifies it that's

pretty cool yeah why do you think it's

important to read it frequently

there's two reasons one is as i said

earlier it directs your life

two and this is an even bigger reason it

reminds you that you're gonna die

[Applause]

there's something

unbelievably

sobering

about

recognizing the fact that your story is

going to end you're going to leave the

planet and you're not coming back yeah

you're not coming back i think it's the

country of bhutan that is the happiest

country in the world

and the reason one of the reasons that

they say is because they think about

their death either three or five times a

day they think about their death many

times a day and they're considered the

happiest country in the world there's

actually an app called we croak

that reminds you how much time you got

it reminds you three or five times a day

you're going to die it says you're going

to die

and then it gives you i love that app

and it gives you an inspirational quote

to reflect on the positive of life

so i didn't know about that app but i

love that it's called we

croak i think it's called we quote or we

croak

and uh it's just a simple app just pings

you three times a day there's my guys my

development team i've asked them and

it's all it's up to them i don't control

them but i've asked them

do you think on the eulogy page you can

actually have a countdown timer based on

the average life expectancy of the

country that you live in that's crazy

yeah i think you know how much time i've

got left you said 30 years right yeah

two lucy's

two lucy's two lucy's

lucy was my chocolate lab oh man and she

lived to be 14 years old

and

my wife called her my first wife because

lucy and i were married before bets and

i were married oh man

and we put her down two saturdays ago oh

man and it was absolutely heartbreaking

oh and when i sit there i met lucy i

think when i came back oh man yeah and

you know and we've got photos with you

and lucy i think yeah i mean lucy was a

rock star i mean i took her she was she

was literally my my companion she taught

me so much about she got me to betsy

and then she got betsy and i had two

emmalines oh man and she had a you know

a big tumor terrible arthritis and

finally the vet said yes look you know

you're hitting that point where you're

actually

punishing her to keep her alive and

lower so we i made the right decision

wow 15 years though huh

would be a little over 14 years man so

when i think about when i brought lucy

home

to when we said goodbye to lucy so much

happened louis but the reality is i

have two more of those that's insane to

think about yeah like i can get

one more puppy and i'll have the same

painful and beautiful and wonderful

experience and then one after that and

then we will be put down together oh my

god

i mean if you could extend your life

longer that's great maybe you have three

is what you're saying like if i can't

get it

maybe i mean they invent some sort of

drug or whatever but yeah what's that

what's the life expectancy

78.5 and i'm hoping to make 80 and and

you know everything

icing on the crate right you know uh you

know a lot of people who are in their

hundreds i don't think i'm going to be

one of them but a lot of people yeah we

might be able to make it but wow two

losses yeah there's a guy uh do you know

nas daily have you heard of this guy

he's a video creator

who um

did a video day a day for like a

thousand days in a row and he's got a

you know i don't know

50 or 100 million followers on facebook

and instagram and

creates all these viral videos

around the world explaining different

things and he

wears the same t-shirt every day

the exact same shirt he's probably got

100 of them but it says 34 percent of

life left or he's used he's used 34 of

his life so every year he adds

percentage in the same shirt

reminds people watching him and reminds

himself how much of his life he has

lived

and it creates amazing wisdom doesn't it

and it creates urgency and it focuses

you on what's important and your mission

and your goals and you don't live

distracted if you're like well i've

lived a certain percentage i only have

this much left

so that that attention on the eulogy or

the shirt or whatever is me or the we

croak app something to have our

attention on our death i'm hearing you

say is important it is and you know

there's something betsy and i just made

a decision the other day i can't

remember what the opportunity was but it

was a really big financial opportunity

and um

we said look you know it's it's one day

that you don't get to see your daughter

you know is it worth it and even this

i'm in la i live in nashville flew out

this morning i'll be in bed tonight

right see her tonight yeah you know

could you just go but you know if we

didn't die

yeah of course i'm going to go make that

money right you got forever

yeah you know so it creates this real

beauty of urgency and also you start

going well if i'm going to die and i

can't take any money with me

maybe i should pay my employees more

right maybe i should maybe i should go

not chase that money because

the reality is you know

of what i want is emily to to when she's

80

to go to goose hill and explain to her

children and her grandchildren what

happened here

and if i'm on an airplane

what needs to happen here for her to do

that won't happen mm-hmm so i gotta be

home right and without death i don't

think i would have that realization

and without her

you probably would have gone and did the

money thing or whatever

and been gone for the day because you'd

be like well there's no child here so i

can go and make this money and yeah and

you know there's seasons but there's

just practical stuff life insurance

policies yeah preparing financially you

know

m-line will live to be they're saying

our kids are going to live into their

hundreds that's correct that's where

technology is going

so if if if i make it to 80 mlein's 30

when i pass away she's going to do 70

years without dad wow

70 she by the time she dies she will not

really remember what i look like oh my

gosh she will have she will have all

together

12 seconds worth of memories at one time

of the 30 years that i spent with her

12 seconds why is that that's what the

brain thinks about your think about time

right now think about the seconds that

you can remember spending with your dad

that crazy you know

they're just little moments like when

you pass you the popcorn at the game

right now they're just literally these

little milliseconds

i'm not gonna

risk a chance to

create some of those embed those in her

brain yeah it's not worth it what do you

think is the biggest mistake you've made

that i've made

thought of myself as a victim

for 10 years

lost lost a decade

yeah i lost a decade which 10 years

certainly very late teens through late

20s

you know i did get a i did get two books

out during that time so victims don't

get books done right right but i was 387

pounds you know i'm 210 now that's

amazing um thanks

do you know what one of the main reasons

i was 387 pounds i was subconsciously

convinced that if my life were so

miserable and i couldn't control myself

a rescuer would come and help me

wow and when i realized you know what

what happened that you were the rescuer

well partly but what happened was i

suddenly realized that chicks didn't

like victims right right

and everything went

oh we're done being a victim because i

really would like to have some nice

conversations with some girls yeah

when you realize like everything that

you think you're going to get by

thinking of yourself as a victim you're

not going to get

the person who gets that is the person

who's actually heroic

you know who's humble honest and willing

to transform

you know realizes they don't have the

capability to get this thing done and so

they transform what i don't what i don't

like or i'm not super comfortable with

our books and ideas that say you are

enough

you're not enough

if you if you are an unhealthy person

you're not enough to be in a healthy

relationship you have to change what

we're trying to avoid there is judgment

but here's the key let's admit we're not

enough and leave the judgment out of it

let's admit you know what i'm not enough

to be in a healthy relationship but i

get to change and changing is fun and

it's exciting and i can't wait to see

who i become

but you know

we have to hold this idea that we're not

there yet

and a lack of judgment

at the same time yeah and then we have

this really fun meaningful life in which

we get to transform i like that a lot

yeah i wouldn't say you're not enough i

would say it's okay to not be enough

but but you're not enough

you know instead of saying like

you are enough and you've got everything

let's actually say you're not enough and

that's okay yeah like do you want to

change

yeah that wouldn't change okay let's go

on a journey together

it sounds like um

yeah you're not enough and this is where

maybe the story begins that that's

exactly it you're not enough it's okay

you don't need to beat yourself up you

are not yourself so what does that make

possible right it makes a beautiful

story possible when you become enough

right what you can overcome it just

means you have an opportunity to

overcome something can you imagine if um

the king's speech which won a an oscar

great movie great movie can you imagine

the king's speech you know he he speaks

with a slight stutter and the the drama

teacher meets with him once in the

stutter's gone

right

he does not win an oscar right

great stories that we get to experience

are stories about us overcoming

deficiencies right challenges so thank

god you have a deficiency now you have

an opportunity to make something really

cool happen in your life

you know and to get to experience it not

just watch it get to actually experience

it

so you think the biggest mistake was

being a victim for 10 years

what was the biggest lesson you learned

about yourself in those 10 years

well i mean you know the biggest lesson

i learned myself is is if you think

about yourself as a victim there is no

happiness do victims get a benefit from

being a victim yeah they attract

resources

they um they shirk responsibility

other people have to do their work

uh that's the

that's the attractiveness of being a

victim and if you learn both victimhood

and villainy are coping mechanisms

they're they're how we cope with really

hard things

um neither of them are productive the

only thing that's productive is saying

okay i i

this is a hard thing

i accept it

i accept the dynamics that are in play

here i do not deny them i do not reject

them let me grieve a second

now let me engage heroically and

transform into the person that it takes

to conquer this thing

and that could take years you know

when is the earliest someone can become

a guide

well uh you could become a guide at

roughly one year old right i mean any

time that you have a little sibling

because it's always in you it's always

in you you know

um

the biggest

sort of big transformation becoming

guide would probably be parenthood

when you when your heart is suddenly

right there

and you want everything

for this kid

and you want to leave a legacy that's

probably the biggest transformation but

anytime that you realize

i like accomplishing things but it's not

fun to accomplishing to accomplish

things if i'm doing it alone i want to

take other other people with me

then that's that's guide characteristics

yeah

where do you think you'd be if you would

have had your daughter 10 years ago

well i'm i'm always glad that things

happen when they happen because i just

don't feel like i would have been ready

sure um betsy you know we we had a baby

when i was 49 i turned 52 months later

and i actually asked betsy i said you

know

what do you think of

if i'd have done this so much younger

and she said i'm actually grateful that

you're you're where you are

and i said well you know and i thought

you know i thought we'd have more money

or whatever you know if you had it

younger

i would have still been in my angsty

like i will conquer

you know the kids irritating me because

i've got this thing i've got to get done

and i've got to prove myself and

that doesn't happen so i'm i'm grateful

for that i was great story as i was

getting on a

flight on southwest airlines out of

phoenix two weeks ago three weeks ago

and um

betsy facetimes me now you know when

you're getting on southwest airlines

you're like bumper to bumper i mean

there's touching me so betsy facetimes

me she was i said hi babe i'm i'm uh at

the airport she goes okay well i just

want to give you an update um everline

still hasn't pooped

and everybody

is just rolling i mean they're just

having so much fun they're like please

tell us whether she poops you know

because they're all parrots

and yeah i get a phone well now we've

broken ground right now we're all

talking and the gentleman in front of me

had his first kid when he was 17 years

old he's now in his 60s oh my gosh 17

years old she was 15.

and they are still married he's in his

60s wow so the stories out there right

and i said well you know um i didn't

have my first kid so i was 50 basically

and i said there are pros and cons and

he said to me there are no cons

there are no cons to waiting to your 50s

they're no cons period he said stop it

wow you know i thought that was really a

nice thing to say because he had when he

was a teenager you got it when you're 50

yeah actually so there are no cause

there's no cops you get to be a parent

it's beautiful

no downside

that's pretty cool what do you think

will be your greatest lesson

of being a father

by the time your daughter is in college

let's say if she goes to college what do

you think will be the last thing you'll

need to learn that's a question victor

frankel always asks he says look look to

the end of the day or the month of the

year

and try to figure out what you're going

to regret

and then don't do it right right don't

do it beforehand yeah yeah i think um

the lesson that emeline is teaching me

and then i still have a healthy dose

uh

that i'm in need of is that life is not

about me

really at all

you you need to remind yourself of that

as well yeah

you know it's really much more of a we

story than a me story

you know in the end yeah i really think

i hope that there's a spirit world on

the other side of whatever

someday i want to write a book called

the faith i keep

and each chapter

will be the same it'll say i'm 73

certain there's an afterlife i'm point

three percent certain impressing

religious people will get you into

heaven

these will be the chapter titles um but

i think that i hope that there's a

spirit world on the other side of what

we're experiencing and i hope in that

world we really understand oneness

you know that we are we i would have my

own identity but somehow we would be one

i feel like that

when i think about what the broken

nature of the world is to me that got

broken

that i realized this person in india

who's a different color in a different

you know class system and different

country in a different language

is is we're one

and i need to care for that person as

though i would i were caring for myself

do you believe there's a spirit world

after this i'm 62 percent certain

after this is there a spare world within

us

i will say this

it it this is an absolutely magical

experience right

i mean what what is what we are getting

to participate in

is mind-blowing we're just used to it

but it's mind-blowing

so the idea that we could be born into

this mind-blowing narrative that's

happening and the ex the exposition of

this whole you know the set and the i'm

talking about earth

you know suspended

in time and space infinite universe yeah

and physicists are already telling us

that there are there's geographical

places it has to do with how fast you're

traveling where time doesn't exist

it's just a physical fact in the

universe there are places where where

time doesn't exist the black holes and

all that so

it's a trippy world trippy so why would

it be any less trippy if when

when i put lucy down

she goes to a place where time doesn't

exist and quote waits for me but she's

not inside of time so she's not waiting

at all

that

the laws of physics say that's actually

completely and totally possible

that's not any more trippy than what you

and i are sitting here doing right now

it's just a complete miracle then a a

sperm and an egg coming together and

creating life yeah

like you know how does a little sperm

make a brain make a heart like all these

things dude it's the most it's the

craziest experience when you're in the

operating room and betsy needed to do a

c-section because she wasn't uh the

doctor just wanted to do a c-section for

for good reason

um

it was literally like an alien abduction

i was just like this is the life just

came out of

her belly here yeah it was the most

crazy experience

what did something change for you when

you saw your daughter for the first time

well you know they talk about how you

just fall completely and madly in love

when you when you first see your child

um

i think that happened for me

slowly over the first week

but i was too maybe narcissistic because

i was just so insecure about whether i

was going to do a good job with this

thing one of the big feelings that i had

you're the first person i mean told

betsy this

but one of the big feelings that i had

uh was i was afraid that this kid wasn't

going to like me oh

you're talking about past trauma wow

yeah so

you know

gosh three days in

when i walked in the room and she could

since i was in the room and the big

smile came across her face was one of

those healing moments oh my gosh you're

like my childhood happens every time

every time every time i walk in the room

and see her pick her up a giant smile

it's one of the most healing things you

could possibly be incredible it's

totally incredible it's a gift of god

it's a gift from god it has to be

what do you think i'm 87 certain it's a

gift from

what do you think will be uh the thing

you need to heal the most in the next 10

years i would like to continue to

accomplish

really awesome things because it's fun

and i would like to need less credit i

would like to need less credit even

even subconsciously i would like to need

less credit for the things that i get to

participate in why is it important for

us to receive

credit and why is it valuable to need

less of it well to some degree it's

justice to receive credit appropriately

for the things that you do but isn't it

an incredible strength

when you can do something

and not even feel emotionally the need

you're just like that's actually really

good for the world i'm glad that that

happened

you know and i think you know as we get

older

maybe we

you know

that becomes easier and easier but i

would like it bugs me

it bugs me that i need credit i need

more credit than

uh i want to need really yeah it just

kind of bothers me

i would like to not be preoccupied with

it

wanting the credit or the validation

yeah i would love to be able to write

books and release them and not really

care

what any amazon review says interesting

i actually don't read amazon reviews but

i would like to not want to

i would like to i would like to just

love the work

and actually think i would be a better

writer if i and i do love the work but i

would like to just love the two hours

that i get to spend every morning

writing

and then whether or not it even gets

published matters very little to me

i think i'm a long way from that have

you ever wrote uh with a pen name

no have you have you done that lewis no

but i mean is this the secret reveal no

i'm just saying but i'm not like a true

writer that's not something i do every

day yeah

but

i'm just curious if that's a challenge

you'd be open to one day even if it's

just writing an article just without

your name on it and no one knew you

wrote it totally or a book that no one

knew you wrote it yeah and you couldn't

do interviews about it you just had to

release it

and just like oh i saw this cool book i

don't know who wrote it but i thought it

was pretty cool i i yeah i've actually

had the secret thought that it would be

really fun to write um like religious

romance novels that are just so cheesy

and so sultry

but they would you would try to sell

that mark because you know they're all

these ladies are thinking about this oh

yeah you have 50 shades of grey but the

religious but the religious versions

that's right i like the youth pastor

yeah so no i uh um

i think that would be hilarious and fun

but that would have to be under a pin

name right right you could get zero

credit you just know people are enjoying

it out in the world and you could just

that's it yeah but i wonder if if like

they were so popular i would break down

it's me it's me but i don't know who

knows

no i'm not gonna do that

that's not one of my three stories yeah

yeah i got two lucy's left yeah exactly

but it'd be cool to do some challenge

you know at some point in the next 10

years where whether it's an article or a

series or a book or something where you

didn't put your name on it yeah i like

that challenge you're really good

at

taking somebody else and being their

cheerleader and propping them up yeah i

made a conscious decision because i

think i had

part of that in my 20s or a part of that

a lot of that where i wanted to be

validated

and then when i hit 30 something changed

i went to a you know something similar

like on-site i went to my own emotional

intelligence training workshop for

many weekends over four months that put

me through the craziest life experiences

and

journeys to help me reflect on every

part of my life

it was kind of like a social experiment

on healing in relationships and

parenthood and all these different

things

and

i decided i started the school of

greatness right around that time and i

remember thinking i want to

do more good in the world and i want to

interview my smart friends that i have

right

and i would ask a few friends about like

okay i'm thinking of doing a podcast

this is when no one knew what a podcast

was this was nine years ago it would be

nine year anniversary coming up this

month you were in you were an early

adopter to say the least people you had

to tell people okay yeah i would go over

your five years ago

you have to go download this thing it

was on itunes back then like people

didn't even know how to play them yeah

it was very hard

anyways i remember asking people you

know what do you think i should call the

name of the podcast

and they're like let's just call like

the lewis house show or this and this

and i go i think this is an opportunity

for me to not make it about me

not that there's anything wrong calling

your show your name i think it's

so you wanted it to be bigger than you

and you wanted to outlive you i wanted

to be bigger than me and i and i and

maybe it wasn't smart personal

branding-wise but i was like

i don't want this to be about me

i want it to be about the people that

are coming on who are servicing the

world in a big way and me as a

facilitator

but it doesn't need to be my show it's

the show of the most brilliant or the

most

you know interesting people in the world

that i can get on

and interview and ask them those

questions so i decide and the school of

greatness was um

all the things i wish i would have

learned in school because school was

extremely difficult for me being in the

special needs classes my entire

no i why were you in specialties classes

as part of the just growing up dyslexic

and i was and then when i went to

middle school they started

they started ranking you on your grade

no no no yeah this was

that's terrible so they rank you based

on your class members

like where you were ranking in the class

and so middle school was the worst

possible time so i remember i was always

in the bottom four

and so i would just see

this confirmation of you're not enough

like you're stupid you're you know

you're not intelligent you're not smart

enough as everyone else around you

and being in the special needs classes

it took me seven years to finish college

like all these different things just

confirmed you know you're not smart

enough was what is the story that i told

myself

until i realized wow i'm actually really

wise and i have skills in other areas of

life that aren't from reading a book and

testing well you know doing homework

well like i wasn't good at that

structure

and i wish they would have taught me how

to approach you know uh relationships i

wish they taught me how to heal i wish

they taught me how to deal with failure

i want to be creative how to be creative

how to make money like all these

different things

and i was like that's what i learned

some of that stuff through sports and

then i learned a lot of it from just

interviewing mentors after school i was

like i wish the world knew this let me

call it called the school of greatness

yeah

and i and i wanted it to be about

everyone else not about me and so that's

kind of the journey there you know some

people call that humility i call it

health

health yeah

i i it's just a an understanding of

where you fit in the world yeah and it's

it's it's this two things

simultaneously

i can have a really big impact

and i'm not the most important thing i

don't have to be the center of attention

right and we see you've seen it you've

seen a lot of times people who build

communities

in order to be the center of attention

and you see how they implode right you

know i would say to some green hopefully

he's much healthier now adam newman did

that with wework

and you saw it implode but really he's

building this huge thing because he had

a deficiency in community and feeling

loved and you drove drove drove drove

but when you drive out of your wounds

the whole thing breaks apart

what should we be driving out of instead

driving out of a desire to be have a

mutually beneficial relationship with

the world

right i want to enjoy this and i'm not

going to i talk in this book about how

important it is to have some sort of

selfish motivation

involved in your objective

otherwise you're a liar

right because we only do things that

benefit us but then when you realize

that's empty you things start becoming

mutually beneficial right the win-win

yeah you know one of my favorite movies

ever and we're just through the season

where it came on is uh it's a wonderful

life

and if you look at that movie the lead

character of course is brought around by

an angel to be shown

what the world would look like if he

were never born you know and what you

realize in that movie as you watch his

life is that

he's very disrespectful to his wife he's

he's very uh

short tempered with his kids

he uh gets frustrated with the sort of

people that he lends money to

he's normal

right and he changes the whole world he

makes it a better place i think we're a

little hard on ourselves

when we say we've got to be perfect or

we've got to be saints in order to

change the world you can be totally

normal and get irritated with your kids

and change the world you know watch it's

a wonderful life he's not a perfect guy

right i think it was wayne

dyer who talked about how so many of the

people that ended up changing the world

were

school teachers were yeah

janitor or something like that where

it's like they weren't

presidents out doing something they were

ordinary people like wayne dyer was a

teacher for many years and he was like i

didn't know that i knew he's i think he

was a teacher for like 10 or 20 years

and then he was like and i love or he

was a therapist was he a therapist or a

teacher or one of those i would assume

he was a psychologist yeah i think maybe

it was a therapist but it was like

he was explaining in one of his audio

books that i was listening to that

i think mother teresa was just

something and uh

or she was a nun i guess but then um

gandhi i think was a teacher something

like that was like these people that go

off and do extraordinary things don't

always start out that way they kind of

have humble jobs and humble like

missions and then it just grows and

expands you don't have to have the

intention of being the president or

being some billionaire ceo to change

lives yeah so i think that's interesting

that and each of those people you know

you know if you look at like mohandas

gandhi and and you mentioned mother

teresa

and dr king

what a lot of people don't realize about

dr dr king is he always 100 felt like he

was in his father's shadow he always

felt

deficient

that his father was actually the big man

the guy yeah leading the church and yeah

so really what made dr king dr king and

what made mother chase meditation made

gandhi gandhi was not them

it was the actual mission

that's where they blew up when they

realized well i've gotta i've gotta stop

the what's happening in the civil rights

you know push back to the civil rights

movement i gotta stop that what's

happening in the british colonialism is

taking place in india got to stop what's

happening on the streets of calcutta

you know these are just normal people

who put themselves into a mission and

that's why we all know their name it's

not them

it's that they

stepped into a story and the story

transformed them into heroic characters

with everything that's happening in the

world in the last couple years where do

you think will be the biggest need over

the next decade or two decades in the

country but also in the world from

this the

the social media revolutions that are

happening the pandemic stuff that's

happening the governmental stuff that's

happening here and also around the world

what's the biggest need

that we will need as for heroes to step

into we have to de-incentivize tribalism

de-incentivize tribalism what does that

mean

well if you watch you know fox news or

msnbc to some degree cnn

um really what's happened in the 24-hour

news cycle is news stations have chosen

a confirmation bias to exploit

so they know fox news hates joe biden

they hate barack obama let's paint those

guys as enemy and really tell these

people what they want to hear so that we

can sell advertising because you've got

to get eyeballs and that's what we're

going to get msnbc did the same thing on

the left

so they are literally incentivized to

divide the country and make you afraid

of people

and until you economically

de-incentivize that and i don't know how

you do that

there's no hope because what happens

when

two different media

you know

arms are competing against each other

and making the other ones wrong what

happens if they stop doing that

they lose ratings

yeah and the story sells

fiction

you know and and the other is out to get

you and gossip and yeah yeah and the

democrats or you know molesting children

under pizza that stuff sells

and people actually believe it right

right they actually believe it

and uh so is this where story hurts us

100

yeah the brain has a very difficult time

telling the difference between fiction

and non-fiction

and uh and so you can you can tell the

brain some really absurd stuff that

actually just makes no sense but it's

very hard for somebody's brain

to once they hear the story the story

feels really entertaining and really

clean

therefore it's got to be true right

and it takes probably a long time to

make it untrue and it takes a long time

to unravel it yeah yeah

you know so what you see in society is

the extreme left and the extreme right

they have the clearest narratives

but in reality narratives aren't

actually that clear

you know bill clinton was pretty well

known for saying look i'm not as great

as my fan sam it's not as bad as my

enemies say i'm a pretty boring guy

right

you know but now you tell that to

somebody on the far right they'll say no

he's evil

he's not evil come on gabriel you know

and and rush limbaugh was not evil you

know he's an opportunist he's making

money right you know you know what he

didn't want worse is anything worse for

the world you know so i think that once

if we can just

you know

once you understand how story works you

see how it's being used to manipulate

the masses

and i think we all need a little bit of

a healthy dose of cynicism when it comes

to engaging our media right now we also

need to go

you know one of the things to build the

middle class that i want to do we've

already created these flags they have a

bison on them because the bison almost

went extinct but america did something

about it and so the middle class will go

extinct if unless america does something

about it so that's why the bison is our

trademark how well it goes

what will happen if it goes extinct the

middle class is shrinking and shrinking

the poor getting poorer the wealthier

getting wealthier because that's the way

our tax code is set up

so once the middle class shrinks down

you won't have much of a labor force and

the labor force will move to probably

africa and it will be led by china so

that's what's happening in the world but

unless republicans and democrats can

actually see eye to eye and get along so

one of the things that we've we're doing

at build the middle class is we're

printing blue flags and we're planning

printing red flags but it's the exact

same flag so if you're democrat fly the

red flag if you're a republican fighter

blue flight but what you're saying about

flying that flag is i agree with the

republicans on these eight pieces of

legislation we've got to stop fighting

we've got to move forward

you know i work with a think tank in

washington dc called stand together and

we're working on some immigration stuff

they actually just bring me in to do

some messaging and um

so i went in and they explained the

situation they said don there are three

pieces of legislation

in the house right now if we pass them

we would have comprehensive immigration

reform we'd be done no longer an issue

76

of americans support the three pieces of

legislation whether you're republican or

democrat

here's the problem if a democrat is in

the white house the republicans won't

pass it and if the republicans are in

the white house the democrats won't pass

it because neither side neither side

wants to give the other side a win the

ego is correct and this has been

happening for 40 years

so this has been happening on

medicare medicaid social security reform

that's been happening on immigration

having on education reforms having a

criminal justice form it's happening on

uh clarifying and simplifying the tax

code so you got two

bodies

that hate each other so much

they would rather not let the other side

win for 40 consecutive years than give

america what it wants wow and what it

needs the solutions to our problems are

not complicated they're actually very

very simple it's just these two egos

won't actually sit in the same room and

get along with what if one said hey you

give us this one we'll give you the the

other one they try to do that stuff but

they hate each other so much now they

won't even meet what yeah i mean right

now currently we're in you know

right at the beginning of 2022

republicans and democrats won't get into

a room together you're talking about

like in the country or you mean in dc in

federal in d.c that's not happening they

won't get into the room no and just talk

it out no

they won't get in the room they're

because they're not incentivized to do

so right right

yeah yeah their base won't

doesn't want them to do that they're

based they're literally a significant

percentage of americans you know 15

percent

want to send somebody to dc just to hate

the other side rather than send somebody

dc to get

work done that would save us enormous

amounts of money and help us compete

with china you know it's a bad deal this

is my next story

what needs to happen in order for that

to be disrupted so that we there needs

to be a different person there needs to

be a platform

as though it's a presidential platform

in the middle

that both republicans and democrats can

sign on to

and then that platform needs 30 or 40

million petition signatures and probably

hundreds of millions of dollars to run

ads to support the people who and the

the narrative needs to change it needs

to change to this if you're an extremist

on the left or right and are unwilling

to compromise we don't want you here

if you can't i think in four years if

you can't pass

comprehensive

uh immigration reform or comprehensive

tax reform you're fired

if you paid a landscaper for four years

and never showed up and mow your own

lawn are you gonna keep paying them no

yeah why are we paying taxes when these

people won't get anything done right

it's ridiculous so you know that that

middle ground needs to be established

right now it doesn't have a voice or a

flag or a banner or a

or a petition or

a

white paper or a book

how much worse does it need to get in

order for that to potentially happen

yeah i think we're about two clicks away

two presidents what you mean or two uh

two clicks in terms of anger

i think uh

you know if if kamala harris were the

next democratic presidential nominee and

trump came back you would have

you would have uh

you know

the companies i the country is either

going to destroy itself or or the

country is going to

figure out a different path um yeah i

think we're really close we've talked

about a lot

from relationships to

heroes and

what's happening in the world the next

definitely the best interview i've ever

done that's good that's my that's my

intention that's my intention here on a

mission a path to a meaningful life

is out people can get this if they want

to have the framework the stories i

really like the part of writing your

eulogy you've got everything at the end

about creating a life plan for a one

year vision which is something i'm a big

fan of doing every year as well and

seeing that consistently

uh there's so much value in here

and you've been just consistent on

creating these frameworks in this

mission for so many years

that uh i think everyone needs to get

this book especially if you feel like

the last couple years has been a

challenge for you i want you to get this

book because it's going to give you

meaning it's going to give you purpose

and direction which i think a lot of

people need right now is direction in

their own lives hero on a mission get it

for your friends get it for your family

get it for yourself

it's going to really help you in a big

way

where can we follow you where can we

connect with you the most that you spend

the most time online you know um

you know the best place to follow me is

actually uh donald miller on instagram

because then you get to see pictures of

my baby there you go

and that's that's the

that's pretty fun i like that you have a

newsletter too right do you share a lot

more um

we have oh we have a podcast called

business made simple yes yeah no

newsletter but definitely a podcast

called business made simple and then we

really said on monday on thursday we're

starting a new series called hero on a

mission

and our first couple interviews will be

evan mcmullen

is on a mission to disrupt the two-party

system i i'm hopeful to get an interview

with sean brock the chef the james beard

award-winning chef

because he's on a mission to not disrupt

the restaurant industry you would

absolutely love sean brock you should

interview sean brown sean brock yes sean

brock you should eat his food too okay

you would

love sean brock okay cool he's in

nashville come to nashville bring your

equipment you can stay at our house i

have to come down there for a week when

my book launches

when is your book coming out end of

october i believe yes of this coming

this year oh yeah very good yeah yeah

what's it called no don't know yet

working title is the greatness mindset

okay yeah yeah that's the working title

so well um come to come to nashville uh

let us handle the whole thing we'll hook

you up with parnassus books okay which

is ann patchett's uh she was shortlisted

for the pulitzer or the nobel prize

whatever she's got a bookstore in

nashville so they can run route it

through there

we can literally

get buses from ooh i mean buses from the

bookstore straight to the carriage house

at goose hill and you can do an event

there oh man and it would be really

really fun that would be fun you would

you would love nashville bring your girl

i know i do like actually the guest

house is done in may so you guys can

just stay at the guest house she's

filming in atlanta so it's not too far

right it's four hours yeah maybe we'll

drive up there yeah

what's the one skill

you're gonna need to master over the

next few years to help you accomplish

these missions i think i've gotten

pretty good at it over the years but

quite honestly i'm gonna have to

start saying no to some really awesome

opportunity mm-hmm you just did this

last couple weeks yeah that's money one

right mm-hmm

yeah i'm gonna have to do a lot more of

that

and the more

you know you accomplish the more great

opportunities

isn't that the challenge like this

compounds doesn't it

it just compounds it is and then that's

why reading your eulogy is so important

because you don't you don't get the time

back i don't businessmadesimple.com

donald miller everywhere instagram is

the main place

uh twitter and facebook as well

make sure you guys get the book here on

a mission a path to a meaningful life uh

before i ask the final two questions i

want to acknowledge you donald even

though you're practicing not getting

um i want to acknowledge you for

your

your

really your vulnerability and your

honesty in the things that you want to

work on still and i think

saying you know what i still want to get

credit and i still have an ego here and

i still like this and wanting to work on

those things i think is really inspiring

so i acknowledge you for

being honest about all these things and

and having the vulnerability i

acknowledge you for having a child at 50

and stepping into him at this season of

your life

and seeing the value that'll come from

having a child and starting a family at

this time i acknowledge you for

healing and constantly being on a

healing journey because i think it's

hard to create meaningful work in the

world if we aren't healing ourselves and

on that journey and i know your three

big missions are going to take a healed

yeah husband and father and man

not a hurt man

uh in in kind of taking on those

missions

so i really acknowledge you in in having

a healthy body mind and soul you look

extremely young you look extremely

healthy and whole and so i really

acknowledge you for the incredible work

you've done to overcome all the

challenges in your life to get to this

point right now

and i'm very excited about this book and

your journey and i can't wait to see you

in nashville

um

this question is called the three truths

so it's a question

so imagine it's your last day on earth

many years away and we're getting you to

a hundred

so you got three lucy's

and uh

for whatever reason all of your content

is gone or it goes with you to the next

place and you don't get to

have any of your books or written word

or this interview it's it's not

available in the world anymore for

whatever reason it's gone

hypothetical and you get a piece on a

piece of paper and a pen you get to

write down three lessons that you would

share with the world three things you

know to be true from your life

experiences and this is all we would

have from you

of your content what would you say would

be those three truths that you would

share i would repeat

the truths that victor frankl put in his

book because i think he's smarter than

me

and i would say have a project that

engages your attention because it's

going to help you love life

don't do it alone

bring a community with you

and just know it's going to be hard and

that's a good thing

those are the three truths those are

beautiful

final question what's your definition of

greatness my definition of greatness is

is that

what i hope that happens at my funeral

is that

people talk more about

how i encouraged what they were able to

accomplish

and less about what i was able to

accomplish

that's good

i love it like when you look back you're

never glad that you chickened out like

you're you never are that's the truth

and so yeah i think i don't want the

book to come across as like you know

i'm super brave this is my story the the

story is

the book is here are inspiring people

throughout history whose courage