The lies we tell ourselves about who we are

Summary

This video script explores the concept of self-deception through the lens of Carl Jung's psychology, highlighting how societal and familial expectations shape our ego and persona, leading to the creation of the shadow self. It discusses the lies we tell ourselves about our identities, the impact of these narratives on children, and the importance of self-compassion and integration of the shadow self for personal growth. The script encourages viewers to embrace their totality, including both light and shadow aspects, to achieve a more authentic and holistic self-understanding.

Takeaways

• 🧠 Carl Jung's psychology is the foundation for understanding the structure of the mind, which includes the conscious and unconscious.
• 🎭 The Persona is the mask we wear publicly, showing others who we want to be perceived as.
• 🌑 The Shadow Self represents the parts of ourselves that our ego rejects as unacceptable or unsocially desirable.
• 🔮 The Self, according to Jung, is the totality of the psyche, including both Persona and Shadow, conscious and unconscious.
• 🌈 We are the entire spectrum of our traits, not just a point on it, which includes both what we embrace and what we reject.
• 👶 Labels and narratives given to children can become self-fulfilling prophecies and shape their identity and Shadow.
• 🚫 Limiting narratives can restrict our potential and prevent us from seeing the totality of who we are.
• 🤔 We often create overly positive or negative stories about ourselves, which can be limiting and affect our self-compassion.
• 🤝 When we encounter someone who triggers our Shadow, it's an opportunity for self-reflection and growth, not judgment.
• 💡 The goal is not perfection but self-compassion, acknowledging both our Persona and Shadow as part of our identity.
• 🌟 It's healthier to have compassion for the totality of others, understanding that everyone has a mix of traits and is not defined by a single aspect.

Q & A

What is the main idea of the video script?

The main idea of the video script is to discuss the concept of the self, particularly through the lens of Carl Jung's psychology. It explores the lies we tell ourselves about our identities, including the development of the Persona (the mask we wear publicly) and the Shadow Self (the unconscious aspects of ourselves that we repress).

What is the Persona according to Carl Jung?

The Persona is the mask we wear publicly, representing the aspects of ourselves that we want others to see. It is formed as the ego develops and begins to shun traits that are not socially or familially acceptable.

What is the Shadow Self in Jungian psychology?

The Shadow Self is the unconscious aspect of the psyche that contains everything the ego dislikes or finds distasteful about oneself. It is the opposite of the Persona and includes all the qualities that the ego rejects.

How does the video script relate the concept of the Shadow Self to our behavior?

The script suggests that when we encounter situations that challenge our Persona, our Shadow Self may be triggered, leading to behaviors that we typically suppress or deny. This can result in a lack of self-compassion and difficulty accepting our full range of traits.

Why is it important to be mindful of the things we tell children about who they are?

It is important because children absorb everything and can internalize these messages, which can shape their self-concept and Shadow Self. The script warns that labeling children can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies and limit their potential for growth and self-discovery.

What does the script mean by 'the totality of the self'?

The 'totality of the self' refers to the complete spectrum of one's personality, including both the conscious and unconscious aspects, the Persona and the Shadow Self. It represents the whole person, not just the parts they choose to display or accept.

How does the script suggest we can have a more integrated view of ourselves?

The script suggests that we should practice self-compassion towards both our Persona and Shadow Self, acknowledging that both are part of who we are. It encourages us to stop labeling ourselves and to embrace a more holistic understanding of our identities.

What is the danger of idealizing our Persona or striving for perfection?

The danger lies in creating an imbalance where the brighter the Persona, the darker the Shadow becomes. This can lead to a 'monster' within, representing repressed traits that may eventually cause conflict or distress.

How can we deal with the activation of our Shadow Self when we encounter it in ourselves or others?

The script advises leaning into the judgment or reaction, questioning where it comes from, and identifying which part of our Shadow is being activated. This self-reflection can lead to greater self-compassion and understanding.

What is the role of the ego in our psychological development according to the script?

The ego plays a crucial role in our psychological development by helping us function and interact with the world. However, the script cautions against letting the ego dominate to the point where it limits our self-perception and growth.

Why is it beneficial to have compassion for others' totality, as suggested by the script?

Having compassion for the totality of others allows us to see them as complex individuals with a range of traits, not just the ones we perceive as negative. This can lead to a more empathetic and less judgmental view of others.

Outlines

00:00

🧠 Understanding Our Selves Through Jungian Psychology

The paragraph discusses the concept of self as viewed by Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist who diverged from Freud's theories. Jung believed the mind is divided into conscious and unconscious parts. As we grow, our ego develops and rejects traits that are not socially or culturally accepted, pushing them into the unconscious, forming the 'Shadow Self.' This is contrasted with the 'Persona,' the mask we present to society. The self, in Jungian terms, is the complete picture of an individual, encompassing both Persona and Shadow, conscious and unconscious, ego-syntonic and ego-distonic. It's the integration of all aspects of ourselves, the light and the shadow. The speaker uses the analogy of a personality test to illustrate how we might only identify with a part of ourselves, but in reality, we are the entire spectrum of traits.

05:02

🌱 The Impact of Labels and Stories on Personal Identity

This section delves into how we form identities based on the labels and narratives we create and internalize, particularly in childhood. It explains how these self-fulfilling prophecies can shape a person's identity and their Shadow Self. The speaker warns of the dangers of telling children they are 'so this' or 'so that,' as it can lead to a limited sense of self. The paragraph also touches on how we lie to ourselves about our abilities and traits, often creating limiting narratives that can be harmful. It emphasizes the importance of being mindful of the language we use, especially when speaking to children, as it can greatly influence their self-perception and potential.

10:02

🌜 Embracing the Shadow: The Path to Self-Compassion

The final paragraph addresses the lies we tell ourselves about our potential for perfection and the unattainable ideal of a flawless Persona. It discusses how striving for perfection can lead to a darker Shadow Self. The speaker encourages self-compassion for both the Persona and the Shadow, recognizing that both are integral parts of our identity. The paragraph suggests that instead of labeling ourselves or others, we should aim for a more holistic understanding of our personalities. It advises against seeing people as entirely good or bad, but rather acknowledging the complexity of human nature. The speaker also suggests that we should not be overly critical of others when they exhibit traits we dislike, as it often reflects our own repressed qualities. The goal is to integrate these shadow aspects into our sense of self to achieve a more authentic and compassionate identity.

Keywords

💡Psyche

The psyche refers to the totality of the human mind, including both conscious and unconscious elements. In the video, it is discussed in the context of Carl Jung's analytical psychology, where the psyche is seen as comprising the conscious and unconscious mind. The conscious part includes our ego and persona, while the unconscious contains the shadow self. The video emphasizes the importance of integrating both aspects for a holistic understanding of the self.

💡Conscious

The conscious mind is the part of our psyche that is aware and in control of our thoughts and actions. The video explains that as we grow and socialize, our ego develops within the conscious mind, pushing away aspects of ourselves that are not socially acceptable into the unconscious.

💡Unconscious

The unconscious mind, as discussed in the video, is the part of our psyche that operates outside of our immediate awareness. It includes repressed feelings, thoughts, urges, and memories. Carl Jung believed that the unconscious contains the shadow self, which is the aspect of our personality that we reject or are unaware of.

💡Ego

The ego is the part of the conscious mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious, and is responsible for our sense of personal identity. In the video, it is described as developing during socialization and starting to shun aspects of the self that are not socially acceptable, thus contributing to the formation of the shadow self.

💡Persona

The persona is described in the video as 'the mask we wear publicly', representing the aspects of ourselves that we choose to display to the world. It is formed as the ego shuns certain traits, focusing instead on presenting a socially acceptable image. The persona is a construct of the conscious mind.

💡Shadow Self

The shadow self is the collection of the darker, less desirable aspects of the personality that the ego represses and keeps hidden in the unconscious. The video explains that the shadow self contains everything that the ego finds distasteful or unacceptable about oneself, and it is the opposite of the persona.

💡Self-compassion

Self-compassion is the practice of being kind to oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being self-critical. The video suggests that self-compassion involves acknowledging both the persona and the shadow self, understanding that both are part of the whole self, and practicing kindness towards both.

💡Self-fulfilling Prophecy

A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that directly or indirectly causes itself to come true due to the positive feedback between belief and behavior. In the video, it is mentioned that children may start to believe in certain traits about themselves due to repeated affirmations from others, which can shape their identity and potentially their shadow.

💡Identity

Identity in the context of the video refers to the way a person perceives themselves or the image they have of their own character. The video discusses how our identities are often shaped by the stories we tell ourselves and others about who we are, which can be limiting and not represent the totality of the self.

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the pursuit of flawlessness and setting extremely high standards for oneself. The video cautions against the pursuit of perfection, suggesting that it can lead to an overly critical persona and a more significant shadow self, as the ego tries to hide imperfections.

💡Judgment

Judgment, as discussed in the video, refers to the assessment or opinion formed about something. It is highlighted that when we judge others, it often reflects aspects of our own shadow self that we are unwilling to accept. The video encourages self-reflection and compassion when we notice judgmental thoughts arising.

Highlights

The psyche is split into conscious and unconscious, similar to Freud's view.

The ego develops and rejects unacceptable aspects of the self, leading to the formation of the unconscious.

The Persona is the mask we wear publicly, showing others who we want to be.

The Shadow Self is the opposite of the Persona, representing everything the ego dislikes about us.

The self is a wholeness that includes both the Persona and the Shadow Self.

We are the entire spectrum of traits, not just a point on it.

Children often internalize labels given to them, which can shape their identity and Shadow Self.

The ego seeks to maintain its values and avoid its opposite, leading to self-compassion issues.

We should be mindful of the narratives we tell children about who they are.

Limiting narratives are common, especially among young people who believe there is something wrong with them.

The issue is not in the diagnosis but in how we identify ourselves.

We tell stories about ourselves that are limiting, both negative and positive.

The ego reassures itself by identifying with certain traits and denying others.

When we encounter someone who activates our Shadow, we tend to be critical and judgmental.

We should lean into our judgments and consider what part of our Shadow is being activated.

The goal is not perfection but self-compassion towards both the Persona and the Shadow.

We should stop thinking of ourselves in limited terms and acknowledge our integrated whole self.

Labels are limiting, and we should practice compassion for our shadows.

It's healthy to experiment with different personas but not let them limit us.

We should have compassion for others and not label them based on single traits.

Our identities are often illusions created by our ego.

The ego is necessary for survival, but we should avoid letting it impact our lives negatively.

Transcripts

I want to talk today about The Lies We

Tell ourselves about who we are

specifically in today's chat I'll be

taking a yian perspective meaning

inspired by the teachings of K Yung a

swis psychiatrist who broke off from

Freud back in the day check my other

videos on Yung Yan psychology if you

need a deeper dive into what it is but

to give you a simplified version of how

Jung saw the structure of the mind like

Freud he believed that the psyche was

split up into conscious and unconscious

and that over the course of

socialization as we grew up and matured

our ego developed which started to shun

things that weren't societally or

familiarly accepted aspects of the self

that weren't socially acceptable and as

the ego started shunning those things to

the unconscious it also started forming

something called the Persona The Mask we

wear publicly who we want to show people

that we are and then the very opposite

of that Persona everything that is ego

distonic meaning everything that our ego

doesn't like about us gets personified

into something called The Shadow Self so

you have consciously the Persona and the

e ego working very hard to keep your ego

syonic and you have under that its very

opposite the Shadow Self the unconscious

Realm of the psyche the self according

to a yian perspective is the totality of

all of it it is the Persona and the

shadow it's the conscious and the

unconscious the ego syonic and the ego

distonic the self is wholeness the self

is integration it's not just what we

want to be it's also everything we want

very hard not to be it's both Shadow and

light think about it this way let's

imagine that you're taking some sort of

personality test and it's trying to test

a specific trait like whether you're

more quiet or loud so you have on one

end if you're 100% quiet and you have on

the other end if you're 100% loud and

you may like to think of yourself as

somewhere on that linear Spectrum you

might like to think that you are 82%

quiet 18% loud what you don't understand

is that you are the entire Spectrum you

are both quiet and loud that is the self

that is the totality of you because you

are also sometimes what you wish not to

be and everything that you wish not to

be gets personified inside you in the

unconscious you are the whole Spectrum

not a point on it so keeping this in

mind what are the lies that we tell

ourselves about our identities

[Music]

what are the lies that we tell about

ourselves and other people one is that

as children we start to tell kids you're

so this you're so that and they start to

become these self-fulfilling prophecies

and we're in part shaping who the

children become and who their Shadows

become let's say for instance that

you're a mother and you have a kid who

is very talented at writing and you tell

them that you say hey you're so good at

writing you're awesome at that little

guy the child is going to internalize

that and keep telling themselves that

over the course of their life they're

going to start to identify with being a

good writer and as time goes on if

sometimes they brush up against maybe a

difficult assignment in school where

they don't do so well or an English

teacher that doesn't really resonate

with them what do you think is going to

happen the Shadow Self gets triggered

the part of them rears its head that

lingers in the dark everything that they

wish not to be everything that they

think that they're not and when that

happens it's very difficult to have

self-compassion because the ego wants to

be completely aligned with its values

the ego doesn't want to be exact

opposite of its values so we have to be

very careful especially when speaking

with children because they're like

sponges they absorb everything we have

to be very mindful of the things we tell

them about who they are because those

stories can become very limiting to them

they need to be able to choose almost

like a tabularasa they need to be the

ones to decide what they can and cannot

do another way that we tell lies is we

tell stories about who we are we like to

think of ourselves as holding certain

clusters of traits for instance I like

to think of myself as a tidy person a

person that's attentive to detail a

person that is eloquent I don't think of

myself as somebody that's particularly

good at math I don't think of myself as

a particularly extroverted person in

this day and age we see so many of these

limiting narratives among particularly

young people who want very badly to

believe that there is something

pathological with them who want for

there to be something wrong with them

psychologically or sometimes even

physically who say no I can't be

organized because I have a HD no I can't

be socially Savvy because I have autism

spectrum disorder no I can't turn in my

homework cuz I have pots the narratives

we tell about ourselves are always

limiting in some way but some are a lot

more limiting than others now no one's

denying maybe you do have ADHD ASD pots

the issue is not in the diagnosis the

issue is in how you identify yourself

because when you identify yourself with

the conscious aspects of you you're not

seeing yourself fully you're not seeing

the totality of the self you're not

seeing that yeah maybe sometimes you

struggle to be socially Savvy but other

times you're quite good at getting

intimate with people the stories that we

tell about ourselves are sometimes

overly negative or sometimes they're

overly positive in this example when

they're negative when they say no I

can't do this because I'm this way it's

still the ego getting its needs met

because the ego on some level wants to

be reassured it wants you and the people

around you to reassure so that then you

can feel good about yourself the self

with a capital S doesn't care about

those things the self with a capital S

understands that sometimes it struggles

with those things and sometimes not and

neither of them Define the self now

other times the ego tells an overly

positive story it tells us that we're

the greatest person in the world we're

so good at all these different traits I

mean there's a reason why in almost

every single field people tend to

believe that they are better than

average at what they do which

mathematically just doesn't add up I

mean I said I'm not good at math but

even I understand that doesn't add up

when we tell ourselves these idealized

versions of who we are when we over

identify with a person without realizing

that it's not really who we fully are

then when we come into contact with

somebody who activates a part of our

shadows we can be very critical and

judgmental and hard on them we can start

pointing fingers and saying well you

shouldn't do that because that's not

according to my values you know what

they say when you point one finger you

got three others pointing back at you

because we don't like to see aspects of

ourselves that we've shunned either in

ourselves or in other people when we see

them in other people it reminds us that

we have that capability within ourselves

and we instantly want to distract from

that we instantly want to start pointing

fingers and assigning blame for example

let's say that you always want to be a

very kind person and you notice somebody

expressing their anger in a very blunt

way you might feel tempted in that

moment to say wow I don't think they

should do that that wasn't very nice of

them because really what you're saying

in that moment is I have that capability

inside me too I sometimes overreact to

things when I'm angry too and I feel a

lot of Shame about that and so in order

to repress that side of me I'm going to

shame the person in front of me when in

reality when we come into contact with

someone who activates our shadows what

we should do instead is lean into it and

wonder where is this judgment coming

from what part of my shadow is this

activating what is it that I feel

ashamed of now about myself because if I

were to fully do the shadow work and

integrate that into the totality of

myself I wouldn't be so shocked that

this person's overreacting a little bit

in the way that they're expressing their

anger because I would understand that

sometimes it happens there is anger just

as there is kindness and look nobody's

perfect at this nobody is free of

judgment or free of criticizing other

people who are falling short of their

values it's a constant process you

constantly have to implement this as you

go about your life in order to gain more

insight about yourself and integrate the

unconscious along with the conscious

another lie that we tell ourselves is

that we can be perfect that the Persona

can somehow find tune itself to be

Beyond reproach the brighter light

shines the darker the Shadow's going to

be right you don't really see Shadows on

overcast days when it's not very bright

the brighter you try to make your

persona the darker Your Shadow is going

to be as well and so if you try to

idealize yourself or burn yourself out

with perfectionism you're going to have

a monster buried under your porch the

goal is not self-esteem the goal is not

let me try to be the best person that I

could possibly be the goal is

self-compassion towards both the Persona

and the Shadow acknowledging that both

are part of who I am so what is a

healthier alternative to telling

ourselves these lies about who we are

well we can stop thinking of ourselves

in such limited terms in terms of I have

these traits and I am not good at these

things we can instead start to

acknowledge a more integrated whole

version of ourselves we can acknowledge

our shadows we can get to know them a

little bit we can practice compassion

for them and we can try not to label

ourselves because labels are inherently

limiting now masks can be fun you know I

love Halloween I love dressing up for

the occasion masks are an opportunity to

play around with different personas and

that is in part healthy you should

experiment with different ways of being

different traits that you want to Tinker

with and you should also have an intact

ego because if you don't have an intact

ego that is essentially psychosis you

don't see the difference between

yourself and the environment we need an

ego to function the goal is not ego

death the goal is merely self-compassion

towards the full self and not limiting

ourselves playing around with different

masks different personas but not

treating them like chains that have to

keep us stuck in one place forever and

it's also healthier to have compassion

for the totality of others to not label

them to not say this is a bad person or

this person is cruel and instead to see

that sometimes they're cruel sometimes

they're not nobody is all of one thing

everybody is one thing and it's polar

opposite at once and when you notice

yourself feeling judgment towards other

people lean into it lean into what it

means about yourself not about that

person I think you'll find that a lot of

our identities are essentially Illusions

created by our ego and again that's not

all bad we need the ego to survive it's

healthy to have an ego just don't let it

get to a point where it's starting to

impact your life have a great day

[Music]