The Power of Forgiveness: Gelong Thubten

Summary

The talk emphasizes the power of forgiveness and its significance in personal growth and spiritual development. It explores the qualities of love, kindness, and compassion, highlighting their universal respect and the common human desire to develop these traits. The speaker discusses the limitations of conditional compassion and the importance of cultivating unconditional compassion through mindfulness and meditation. By understanding the suffering and reactivity in others, as well as ourselves, we can foster a more forgiving attitude. The talk also delves into the practical aspects of forgiveness training, suggesting approaches through both intellectual reflection and direct meditation practice, ultimately leading to a more open-hearted and compassionate way of living.

Takeaways

• 💖 Forgiveness is a powerful quality that everyone respects, and it's essential to develop compassion and kindness.
• 🌱 Our natural compassion is often conditional and limited, but through mindfulness and meditation, we can cultivate unconditional compassion.
• 🧘‍♂️ Meditation and mindfulness are not just spiritual practices; they are sciences that help us develop and strengthen qualities of the mind, such as forgiveness.
• 🤔 Forgiveness is challenging when tested by others' actions, but it is through these challenges that we can truly grow and develop spiritually.
• 💡 The process of forgiveness involves two approaches: one through intelligence (productive thinking) and the other through wisdom (direct work with the mind).
• 🙏 Gratitude is a key element in forgiveness; viewing challenges as opportunities for growth can shift our perspective and help us forgive more easily.
• 🌟 Understanding the suffering and emotional pain behind others' actions can help us see beyond perceived intentional harm and foster forgiveness.
• 🧠 In meditation, we learn to have a different relationship with our thoughts and emotions, which can lead to unconditional acceptance and forgiveness.
• 🌈 Acceptance and non-judgment of our own mind's fluctuations can lead to a more forgiving attitude towards others and their actions.
• 💞 Developing a loving relationship with our own mind through meditation is akin to falling in love with ourselves, which can naturally extend to others and promote forgiveness.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the talk?

The main theme of the talk is the power of forgiveness and how it can be developed through meditation, mindfulness, and understanding the nature of compassion.

Why are qualities of love, kindness, and compassion respected by everyone?

These qualities are respected because they draw people towards those who exhibit them, creating a positive impact on daily life and relationships, regardless of one's spiritual or religious beliefs.

How does the speaker describe the limitations of compassion?

The speaker describes the limitations of compassion as being conditional and often tied to ego. It is often hindered by negative reactions when someone we have helped does something we dislike, revealing our compassion as immature and bound by limitations.

What is the role of forgiveness in spiritual development according to the talk?

Forgiveness is a major component in spiritual development as it allows us to expand our compassion and love beyond limitations, helping us to grow and mature emotionally and spiritually.

How does the speaker suggest we can develop unconditional compassion?

The speaker suggests that we can develop unconditional compassion through meditation and mindfulness practices, which help us understand and expand the qualities of our mind, allowing us to become more open-hearted and forgiving.

What are the two approaches the speaker mentions for training in forgiveness?

The two approaches mentioned are intelligence and wisdom. The intelligence approach involves thoughtful reflection and changing our perspective on situations, while the wisdom approach is about direct work with the mind and awareness.

How does the speaker relate the practice of meditation to exercise?

The speaker relates meditation to exercise by saying that just as lifting weights at the gym strengthens the body, facing obstacles and difficulties in life strengthens the mind. Meditation is like exercise for the mind, helping to develop a deeper mindfulness and resilience.

What is the significance of understanding our own reactivity and instability in the context of forgiving others?

Understanding our own reactivity and instability helps us to become more empathetic towards others. It allows us to see that they too are acting out of a place of confusion and emotional pain, which can soften our resentment and make forgiveness more accessible.

How does the speaker describe the proper approach to thoughts and emotions during meditation?

The speaker describes the proper approach as one of non-judgmental awareness and acceptance. Instead of suppressing or indulging thoughts and emotions, we should simply observe them and return our focus to the present moment, such as the breath, without getting caught up in them.

What is the relationship between making friends with our own mind and developing forgiveness towards others?

Making friends with our own mind involves accepting and loving our thoughts and emotions without judgment. This inner acceptance and love can then naturally extend to how we perceive and interact with others, making forgiveness towards them come more naturally.

Why does the speaker say that nobody really means it when they do things that seem hurtful?

The speaker suggests that even those who appear to act with calculation and intent are actually acting from a place of confusion and emotional pain. Understanding this can help us let go of the belief that others deliberately intend to harm us, which is a major barrier to forgiveness.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 The Power of Forgiveness

This paragraph introduces the concept of forgiveness and its significance in personal development. It emphasizes the universally respected qualities of love, kindness, and compassion, and how these are often associated with generosity and forgiveness. The speaker discusses the limitations of conditional compassion and the goal of developing unconditional compassion through meditation and mindfulness practices. The idea that challenges and conflicts are necessary for spiritual growth is also presented, highlighting the role of forgiveness as a key component in this journey.

05:00

🤔 Training in Forgiveness

The speaker delves into the methods of training in forgiveness, suggesting two approaches: intelligence and wisdom. Intelligence involves using thoughts productively and viewing challenging situations as opportunities for growth. Wisdom, on the other hand, is about direct work with the mind and awareness. The paragraph discusses the importance of understanding others' perspectives and recognizing the suffering that may lead to hurtful actions. It also touches on the mindfulness practitioner's honesty about their own weaknesses and reactivity, leading to a softened view of others' actions and fostering a sense of gratitude towards those who challenge us.

10:04

🧘‍♂️ Mindful Approach to Thoughts and Emotions

This paragraph focuses on the wisdom approach to forgiveness, which involves a direct relationship with our thoughts and emotions through meditation. The speaker explains the common internal struggle of suppressing or indulging in thoughts and emotions, and contrasts this with the meditative practice of simply observing and letting them be. The concept of unconditional love towards one's own mind is introduced, suggesting that acceptance and non-judgment of our mental states can lead to a more natural forgiveness towards others.

15:05

💖 Cultivating Inner Gentleness

The speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of making friends with our own mind through meditation. The idea is that comfort in one's own skin translates to comfort with others, allowing for a more natural and genuine forgiveness. The teachings shared are rooted in Buddhist philosophy but are presented as universally applicable practices for anyone, regardless of religious or spiritual affiliation. The speaker encourages embracing these methods to develop a deeper understanding of oneself and others, fostering a compassionate and forgiving mindset.

Keywords

💡Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the act of letting go of resentment or anger towards someone who has wronged you. In the context of the video, forgiveness is presented as a powerful tool for personal growth and spiritual development. It is highlighted as a key component in the practice of mindfulness and meditation, helping individuals to overcome limitations and develop unconditional compassion.

💡Compassion

Compassion is the deep feeling of empathy and desire to alleviate the suffering of others. In the video, it is emphasized as a quality that everyone respects and a fundamental aspect of meditation and mindfulness. The speaker encourages the development of a kind heart and the expansion of compassion beyond its usual conditional nature.

💡Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. The video describes it as a tool for understanding the inner workings of the mind and for developing qualities such as compassion and forgiveness. It is presented as a science of the inner mind that can be trained to achieve mental development.

💡Ego

Ego refers to the sense of self or the self-concept that is often associated with self-importance and a desire for recognition. In the video, ego is portrayed as a limitation that binds compassion and forgiveness, suggesting that a mature form of compassion is not centered around the self but is more unconditional.

💡Gratitude

Gratitude is the feeling of appreciation and thankfulness for people or circumstances. In the video, gratitude is proposed as a transformative mindset where challenges and people who cause us suffering become opportunities for growth and development of compassion.

💡Intelligence

In the context of the video, intelligence refers to the use of thoughtful and productive thinking to navigate and understand situations of conflict or forgiveness. It involves analyzing the situation, cultivating gratitude, and viewing others' actions from a broader perspective.

💡Wisdom

Wisdom in the video is described as a deeper, more direct approach to working with the mind and developing awareness. It is about learning to have a different relationship with thoughts and emotions, which is achieved through the practice of meditation.

💡Selfishness

Selfishness is the quality of being concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself. In the video, it is presented as a source of suffering because it leads to being absorbed in personal problems and放大 (exaggerating) one's pain. The development of a loving heart and forgiveness is suggested as a counter to selfishness.

💡Reactivity

Reactivity refers to the spontaneous and often uncontrollable responses to situations or stimuli. In the video, the speaker uses reactivity to describe the unstable nature of our minds, which can lead to actions or words that we later regret or feel guilty about, thus hindering the practice of forgiveness.

💡Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is the act of loving someone or something without any limitations or expectations. In the context of the video, it is extended to how we treat our thoughts and emotions, suggesting that true meditation is about accepting and not trying to change or suppress them.

💡Judgment

Judgment is the act of forming an opinion or conclusion about something or someone based on available information. In the video, judgment is presented as a barrier to forgiveness because it involves making assumptions about others' intentions, which can lead to resentment.

Highlights

The talk emphasizes the universal respect for qualities of love, kindness, and compassion.

Forgiveness is a key component in the journey of meditation, mindfulness, and spirituality.

Compassion often starts as conditional, and the goal is to develop more unconditional compassion.

Meditation and mindfulness help us understand that we can develop qualities through simple training.

Forgiveness is crucial for spiritual development, as it allows us to grow beyond our limitations.

Life's challenges and obstacles serve as opportunities to develop forgiveness and compassion.

The practice of forgiveness involves both intelligence and wisdom.

Intelligence in forgiveness involves productive thinking and viewing situations as opportunities for growth.

Wisdom in forgiveness is about directly working with the mind and developing a different relationship with our thoughts and emotions.

Understanding the suffering and reactivity in others helps soften resentment and foster forgiveness.

Meditation is like exercise for the mind, where life's difficulties are the weights that build mental strength.

The key to forgiveness is recognizing our own mistakes and understanding that others are also prone to errors.

Meditation teaches us to have an unconditional love towards our thoughts and emotions, which translates into forgiveness.

Acceptance and non-judgment of our thoughts and emotions are central to the practice of forgiveness.

The process of noticing when our mind wanders is a crucial moment in meditation and a step towards forgiveness.

Meditation is about developing a friendly relationship with our own mind, leading to inner gentleness and forgiveness.

Buddhist teachings on forgiveness can be practiced by anyone, regardless of religious or spiritual background.

The talk concludes by highlighting the importance of combining intelligent thinking and deep looking in the practice of forgiveness.

Transcripts

so my talk is about the subject of

forgiveness I think we called it the

power of forgiveness so I want to start

by assuming that we all agree I think

most people agree that the qualities of

love kindness compassion these are

qualities that everybody respects

whether you're into meditation

mindfulness spirituality or not just in

ordinary daily life everybody is drawn

to people who are kind when we talk

about people and we say oh he's a nice

guy or she's a nice girl we usually mean

because they're generous kind forgiving

not you know not wrapped up in

themselves so much so these qualities

are something everybody respects and

then of course in the whole journey of

meditation mindfulness spirituality you

could say that's the main point the

development of compassion the

development of a kind heart I think we

all have that we all have the seed of

that everybody knows that feeling of

kindness and love and compassion but as

a meditator we want to develop that we

want it to sort of spread beyond its

limitations

one of the biggest limitations for all

of us is that our compassion tends to be

sort of conditional you know we we help

people and it always happens that we

help somebody and then at some point

they do something or they say something

that we don't like and what's the first

thing that comes into our head after all

I've done for them

how could they I mean that's a very

natural response that we all have but it

shows that our compassion is still not

mature it still sort of bound up with

ego and limitations and as a mindfulness

or meditation practice no we're trying

to sort of expand beyond those

limitations we're trying to develop a

more unconditional compassion so of

course within that comes training

because the beautiful thing about

meditation and mindfulness is that we we

understand that we can develop qualities

in the mind we can develop deeper

qualities just through simple training

whether whether you're into religion or

not makes no difference is just the

meditation as a science is the science

of the inner mind so whatever way you're

practicing it you're trying to develop a

more open heart so of course within that

forgiveness is a major component and if

you really think about it seriously it's

true to say that in order to develop

spiritually we need people to be

horrible to us otherwise how are we

going to develop true compassion it's

easy to be compassionate towards small

fluffy animals and children and easy but

when those when those tests come those

obstacles when we feel that people are

pushing our buttons winding us up

hurting us harming us whatever then then

that's that you could say that's the

that's where we meet our edge and that's

where the forgiveness training comes in

so in that sense there could be a kind

of gratitude oh this this person is

giving me a chance to develop

forgiveness this person is the

it's my meditation aid this person is

helping my meditation so if we can

develop more of that attitude that then

then life becomes very different doesn't

it because we want to develop compassion

we want to develop kindness partly

because it helps others but partly

because it helps us the more we more we

explore our mind the more we explore

mindfulness meditation the more we

discover that our selfishness is the

very thing that makes us suffer because

with our selfishness you know we all

know what it's like to be selfish and we

know how it feels it when we're selfish

we get very wrapped up in our own

problems you know we get very absorbed

in our own pain it's almost as if our

problems become bigger than they really

are because we put them under a

microscope and we obsess about them a

lot and on the other side of the on the

other side when we become more open

generous compassionate then our problems

are sort of in perspective they become

less important so our own suffering sort

of lightens through the development of a

loving heart and of course within that

forgiveness is the key so how how are we

going to train in forgiveness can we

think about it as a training not just a

random thing that you know how it feels

when you forgive it's such a relief such

a relief but can we train in that can we

train and develop that so I think there

are two approaches and I think both are

important and it's good if we can so

think about both of these I would call

one of them would be through

intelligence and the other one is

through wisdom when I'm talking about

intelligence I'm talking about using our

thoughts in a productive way thinking

about situations in a in a way that's

helpful and when I'm talking about

wisdom I'm talking about something more

direct more about working with the mind

working with awareness

looking at the mind so I think both

these approaches so the intelligence

approach is to look at the situation's

we find ourselves in situations of

conflict or situations where our

forgiveness has been tested and actually

think about them more deeply first of

all to think about the whole notion of

gratitude gratitude that this person or

this situation is giving me an

opportunity I I want to meditate I want

to develop compassion I want to develop

love this person is giving me a tool

through which I can develop deeper

forgiveness in a way just through

thinking in that way about the person

you've already forgiven them it's like

you're forgiven before you've forgiven

just by seeing seeing it as an

opportunity or a teaching everything in

life can be seen as a teaching or

something that helps us grow so that's

one thing another thing I think is to

think about the situation and think

about how I think this was mentioned

earlier in one of the presentations when

somebody else is doing something we

don't like we don't really look at it

from their point of view do we we look

at it from our point of view but

compassion is all about connecting with

the suffering of others connecting with

what's underneath so when somebody is

behaving towards me in a way I don't

like what is it that stops me forgiving

it's usually a feeling that they

deliberately they deliberately they

meant to hurt me they it's deliberate we

have this whole thing about deliberate

and accidental don't we you know if

somebody steps on our foot accidentally

was all right but if they deliberately

step on our foot that's very different

so we make this differentiation and yet

so what I'm saying is that when somebody

is doing or saying something or has in

the past done or said something that we

feel wounded by a major part of our

resentment is built on a feeling that

they meant it

it was deliberate they planned it and I

think when you're a practitioner of

mindfulness and meditation you become

more honest about your own weakness

because you see the instability of your

own mind the most interesting thing is

when you sit down to do mindfulness

practice and you're told to be in the

present moment

maybe you're told to observe your

breathing or whatever technique and then

we find the mind just goes here it goes

there it's very difficult so we see the

earthly instability of our mind or we

see how our reactivity is so out of

control it just comes up we don't ask

for it when we get stressed when we get

upset when we get anxious we don't sit

around thinking shall I get anxious now

if I get stressed I think I'll try bit

of depression it helped we don't think

like that it just it just comes and how

often do we find ourselves in a

situation where we do something or say

something and then afterwards we think

why did I say that why did I do that

doesn't match so that that's not the

talk of somebody who's in their right

mind or somebody who's sort of in

control of their mind it shows that we

have this deep level of reactivity

that's very wild and when our emotional

pain takes over we just we just react

from it it's a bit like vomiting you

can't stop yourself vomiting once it's

once it's happening and we do and say

things just because our emotion takes

over so as a mindfulness and meditation

practitioner we start to see that about

ourself and this helps us to then

understand that others are also coming

from that place so this takes away the

whole idea of he meant it he

deliberately said that he deliberately

did that she she deliberately she was

out to get me

we always think people are out to get us

they're out to get me but if we

understand that it's coming from

fusion it's coming from emotional pain

what we're trying to do here is look at

the suffering underneath what's going on

and this helps us to soften that hard

edge of resentment that really cuts into

our heart you know how it feels that

sharpness it softens when we think oh

really they couldn't help themselves

they didn't really mean it

may be it's quite a radical thing to say

but nobody really means it even the

person who does things and seem so

calculating about it really planning it

and sort of you know cold and

calculating still they are acting from a

place of confusion and we know this

because we know we do it too so I think

that the starting point for forgiveness

is to look at how we we also make

mistakes we also lose control and then

we can understand that that's how the

others are as well and this kind of

softens softens up a situation so we're

talking about the intelligence approach

which means through thinking thinking

differently about the situation thinking

I'm grateful there's a chance there's an

opportunity here this is you know how

you know I need I always think that

meditations like it's excess it's

exercise for the mind isn't it so you

know how when you go to the gym you lift

weights you want to put more weights on

your weightlifting machine to get a

bigger stretch so in the same way with

meditation you could say the obstacles

and difficulties of life are like

loading more weights onto the machines

so you get more more mindfulness a

deeper mindfulness the deeper the

problem and this is this is something

that everybody involved in meditation

mindfulness religion on religion

whatever everybody we have to be careful

that we don't fall into a trap of just

looking for a good time you're thinking

that I'm doing my practice so that I can

just feel great I'm trying to feel a

kind of

it disconnected bliss if we're looking

for that then of course life's problems

become a real intrusion into that and

the mindfulness practitioner becomes

actually quite scared of life but if you

are practicing mindfulness or meditation

with a feeling that you want the the

obstacles of life the difficulties of

life are a bit like compost

what's compost made from it's made from

all the really disgusting stuff that you

normally throw away but if you put it on

your field it helps the field to grow so

the difficulties of life are like

compost in the field of awakening so

that brings a feeling of gratitude that

could feel bring a feeling of being

grateful for everything being grateful

to everybody so that was the first thing

I mentioned the second thing I mentioned

was our lack of forgiveness comes

because we've judged and we assume and

we make a decision that this person

meant to harm me therefore I can't

forgive them so we need to kind of

soften that down by understanding the

suffering the deep inherent suffering

that is there in people's minds that

make them do what they do so I think

those are a few little points that we

can use on this little intelligent side

then the wisdom side the wisdom side is

more through the direct training in

meditation and this is about learning

how to have a different relationship

different kind of relationship with our

thoughts and emotions so I think it's

true to say that we all have a kind of

war going on in our head or mind or

whatever you want to call it that war is

how we when there are thoughts on them

or emotions we we either try to suppress

them push them away or we really get

into them and we sort of develop them we

don't learn maybe how does to leave them

alone and let them breathe let them just

be and I think meditation is all about

that it's all about learning to just

leave the mind alone

maybe this could be referred to you

could describe this as a training in

unconditional love maybe that's an

interesting way to describe meditation

because what do we mean by unconditional

love we let's think of it in terms of

people when you have unconditional love

if you just love somebody the way they

are you don't want to change them you

don't need to change them just the way

they are as soon as you try and change

them you've stopped loving them and that

as we know is the downfall in every

relationship so transpose that to how we

deal with our mind how are we towards

our emotions how are we towards our

thoughts are we attacking our thoughts

are we attacking our emotions what would

it mean to have unconditional love

towards our thoughts and emotions it

would mean just to leave them alone just

let them be and this is the challenge of

every meditator because so many

meditators fall into the trap of sitting

there and trying to kind of get rid of

their thoughts they want to go blank

they think they have to clear their mind

or empty their mind a lot of people

meditate like that thinking I have to

clear or empty or and of course it's

impossible because the more you try and

push your thoughts away the worse they

get and also if if that really is what

meditation is about there are easier

ways to achieve it you just have to

knock your head against the wall until

you're unconscious

we'll take an anaesthetic an anesthesia

could become a path to enlightenment if

if that's what it is about just blank

but of course it isn't

we know that meditation is about it's

not about blanking or removing or so the

killing the thoughts or killing the

emotions

it's about director developing a

different way of relating to them so

maybe we're watching our breathing

that's a technique many people do we're

observing our breathing and then of

course the mind wanders and then we we

at some point could take a while but at

some point we notice our mind has

wandered then what do we do that moment

of noticing that the mind has wondered

that moment is a crucial moment in the

meditation how we deal with that moment

because many people see that moment as a

moment of failure you know what I mean

you're sitting there nicely doing your

practice and then suddenly you realize

you were writing an email in your head

you realize that and you feel you lost

it there's a kind of tension oh I blew

it so our meditation becomes a constant

stringing together of those moments of

tension that's not good

what we want to do instead of seeing

that moment as a moment of failure is

see it as a moment of success because

we've had a recognition that our mind

has wondered it's a moment of awareness

and so all we have to do is be aware our

mind wandered and then come back to the

present moment and whatever you're using

you might be using breath sound

visualization or no object whatsoever

but the idea is you're coming back to

the present moment so this way we are

not attacking ourselves for thinking and

feeling we're just letting it be and

returning normally we either try and

push it away or we go for a kind of ride

in it don't we we jump on the thought

and go for a surfing on it and that's

also a kind of it's almost a kind of

aggression because we're basically

saying this thought is not good enough

the way it is I need more of it I need

two of them or three of them it's like

somebody put a slice of chocolate cake

in front of you and you say well

actually I'd like to please or I'd like

cream on top and a sparkler you know

it's not okay the way it is I need more

of it and that's what we're doing with

our thoughts and emotions all the time

is either pushing them down or sort of

indulging them and going with them so

instead the middle way approach is just

to leave them alone just leave it alone

and come back to the breath this is

helping us train in a kind of

unconditional acceptance and I think

that is the root of forgiveness because

if we can develop that attitude towards

our own mind then this will naturally

relate to how we feel about others what

is it that stops us forgiving we're

talking about how can we forgive so what

is what is what is it that stops us

forgiving is it's that judgment that

feeling of unable to accept the

situation unable to accept the person if

we're training instead in acceptance

if acceptance becomes our way of

training then slowly that's going to

come out in how we deal with others how

we think about others so the forgiveness

will come more naturally when we learn

to you could say make friends with our

own mind I always like to think that

meditation is like falling in love

falling in love with your own mind and

for many meditators becomes it's quite a

struggle many people come to classes and

they say it's a real struggle I can't

meditate and that's because they're

trying to destroy their own mind they're

trying to get rid of the thoughts

they're trying to push them away because

they've got some idea somewhere that

meditation is like going into a trance

or going blank but instead if we learn a

different more creative way of relating

to our thoughts and emotions through

this just leaving them alone letting

them be don't need to judge them just

come back to the breath come

to the present moment then we we could

say we're really making friends so then

come from that friendship from that love

comes a kind of inner gentleness a

feeling of sort of being comfortable in

your own skin if you're comfortable in

your own skin you're more comfortable

about others so forgiveness can come

from there so what I've tried to share

with you today is some of the Buddhist

teachings but of course you don't have

to become a Buddhist to practice them

because I always say well nobody owns

the mind Buddhism doesn't own the mind

meditation isn't the property of any one

religion or tradition over another

because meditation is about the inner

journey of looking at our mind but the

what I've tried to do today is share

some of those teachings about

forgiveness and particularly through

these two methods which I think can be

practiced together the method of

intelligent thinking and the method of

deep looking more like how we directly

relate to our mind so thank you for

listening

you