The Power of Forgiveness: Gelong Thubten

Wisdom 2.0 with Soren Gordhamer
30 Dec 201422:29

Summary

TLDRThe talk emphasizes the power of forgiveness and its significance in personal growth and spiritual development. It explores the qualities of love, kindness, and compassion, highlighting their universal respect and the common human desire to develop these traits. The speaker discusses the limitations of conditional compassion and the importance of cultivating unconditional compassion through mindfulness and meditation. By understanding the suffering and reactivity in others, as well as ourselves, we can foster a more forgiving attitude. The talk also delves into the practical aspects of forgiveness training, suggesting approaches through both intellectual reflection and direct meditation practice, ultimately leading to a more open-hearted and compassionate way of living.

Takeaways

  • 💖 Forgiveness is a powerful quality that everyone respects, and it's essential to develop compassion and kindness.
  • 🌱 Our natural compassion is often conditional and limited, but through mindfulness and meditation, we can cultivate unconditional compassion.
  • 🧘‍♂️ Meditation and mindfulness are not just spiritual practices; they are sciences that help us develop and strengthen qualities of the mind, such as forgiveness.
  • 🤔 Forgiveness is challenging when tested by others' actions, but it is through these challenges that we can truly grow and develop spiritually.
  • 💡 The process of forgiveness involves two approaches: one through intelligence (productive thinking) and the other through wisdom (direct work with the mind).
  • 🙏 Gratitude is a key element in forgiveness; viewing challenges as opportunities for growth can shift our perspective and help us forgive more easily.
  • 🌟 Understanding the suffering and emotional pain behind others' actions can help us see beyond perceived intentional harm and foster forgiveness.
  • 🧠 In meditation, we learn to have a different relationship with our thoughts and emotions, which can lead to unconditional acceptance and forgiveness.
  • 🌈 Acceptance and non-judgment of our own mind's fluctuations can lead to a more forgiving attitude towards others and their actions.
  • 💞 Developing a loving relationship with our own mind through meditation is akin to falling in love with ourselves, which can naturally extend to others and promote forgiveness.

Q & A

  • What is the main theme of the talk?

    -The main theme of the talk is the power of forgiveness and how it can be developed through meditation, mindfulness, and understanding the nature of compassion.

  • Why are qualities of love, kindness, and compassion respected by everyone?

    -These qualities are respected because they draw people towards those who exhibit them, creating a positive impact on daily life and relationships, regardless of one's spiritual or religious beliefs.

  • How does the speaker describe the limitations of compassion?

    -The speaker describes the limitations of compassion as being conditional and often tied to ego. It is often hindered by negative reactions when someone we have helped does something we dislike, revealing our compassion as immature and bound by limitations.

  • What is the role of forgiveness in spiritual development according to the talk?

    -Forgiveness is a major component in spiritual development as it allows us to expand our compassion and love beyond limitations, helping us to grow and mature emotionally and spiritually.

  • How does the speaker suggest we can develop unconditional compassion?

    -The speaker suggests that we can develop unconditional compassion through meditation and mindfulness practices, which help us understand and expand the qualities of our mind, allowing us to become more open-hearted and forgiving.

  • What are the two approaches the speaker mentions for training in forgiveness?

    -The two approaches mentioned are intelligence and wisdom. The intelligence approach involves thoughtful reflection and changing our perspective on situations, while the wisdom approach is about direct work with the mind and awareness.

  • How does the speaker relate the practice of meditation to exercise?

    -The speaker relates meditation to exercise by saying that just as lifting weights at the gym strengthens the body, facing obstacles and difficulties in life strengthens the mind. Meditation is like exercise for the mind, helping to develop a deeper mindfulness and resilience.

  • What is the significance of understanding our own reactivity and instability in the context of forgiving others?

    -Understanding our own reactivity and instability helps us to become more empathetic towards others. It allows us to see that they too are acting out of a place of confusion and emotional pain, which can soften our resentment and make forgiveness more accessible.

  • How does the speaker describe the proper approach to thoughts and emotions during meditation?

    -The speaker describes the proper approach as one of non-judgmental awareness and acceptance. Instead of suppressing or indulging thoughts and emotions, we should simply observe them and return our focus to the present moment, such as the breath, without getting caught up in them.

  • What is the relationship between making friends with our own mind and developing forgiveness towards others?

    -Making friends with our own mind involves accepting and loving our thoughts and emotions without judgment. This inner acceptance and love can then naturally extend to how we perceive and interact with others, making forgiveness towards them come more naturally.

  • Why does the speaker say that nobody really means it when they do things that seem hurtful?

    -The speaker suggests that even those who appear to act with calculation and intent are actually acting from a place of confusion and emotional pain. Understanding this can help us let go of the belief that others deliberately intend to harm us, which is a major barrier to forgiveness.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 The Power of Forgiveness

This paragraph introduces the concept of forgiveness and its significance in personal development. It emphasizes the universally respected qualities of love, kindness, and compassion, and how these are often associated with generosity and forgiveness. The speaker discusses the limitations of conditional compassion and the goal of developing unconditional compassion through meditation and mindfulness practices. The idea that challenges and conflicts are necessary for spiritual growth is also presented, highlighting the role of forgiveness as a key component in this journey.

05:00

🤔 Training in Forgiveness

The speaker delves into the methods of training in forgiveness, suggesting two approaches: intelligence and wisdom. Intelligence involves using thoughts productively and viewing challenging situations as opportunities for growth. Wisdom, on the other hand, is about direct work with the mind and awareness. The paragraph discusses the importance of understanding others' perspectives and recognizing the suffering that may lead to hurtful actions. It also touches on the mindfulness practitioner's honesty about their own weaknesses and reactivity, leading to a softened view of others' actions and fostering a sense of gratitude towards those who challenge us.

10:04

🧘‍♂️ Mindful Approach to Thoughts and Emotions

This paragraph focuses on the wisdom approach to forgiveness, which involves a direct relationship with our thoughts and emotions through meditation. The speaker explains the common internal struggle of suppressing or indulging in thoughts and emotions, and contrasts this with the meditative practice of simply observing and letting them be. The concept of unconditional love towards one's own mind is introduced, suggesting that acceptance and non-judgment of our mental states can lead to a more natural forgiveness towards others.

15:05

💖 Cultivating Inner Gentleness

The speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of making friends with our own mind through meditation. The idea is that comfort in one's own skin translates to comfort with others, allowing for a more natural and genuine forgiveness. The teachings shared are rooted in Buddhist philosophy but are presented as universally applicable practices for anyone, regardless of religious or spiritual affiliation. The speaker encourages embracing these methods to develop a deeper understanding of oneself and others, fostering a compassionate and forgiving mindset.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the act of letting go of resentment or anger towards someone who has wronged you. In the context of the video, forgiveness is presented as a powerful tool for personal growth and spiritual development. It is highlighted as a key component in the practice of mindfulness and meditation, helping individuals to overcome limitations and develop unconditional compassion.

💡Compassion

Compassion is the deep feeling of empathy and desire to alleviate the suffering of others. In the video, it is emphasized as a quality that everyone respects and a fundamental aspect of meditation and mindfulness. The speaker encourages the development of a kind heart and the expansion of compassion beyond its usual conditional nature.

💡Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. The video describes it as a tool for understanding the inner workings of the mind and for developing qualities such as compassion and forgiveness. It is presented as a science of the inner mind that can be trained to achieve mental development.

💡Ego

Ego refers to the sense of self or the self-concept that is often associated with self-importance and a desire for recognition. In the video, ego is portrayed as a limitation that binds compassion and forgiveness, suggesting that a mature form of compassion is not centered around the self but is more unconditional.

💡Gratitude

Gratitude is the feeling of appreciation and thankfulness for people or circumstances. In the video, gratitude is proposed as a transformative mindset where challenges and people who cause us suffering become opportunities for growth and development of compassion.

💡Intelligence

In the context of the video, intelligence refers to the use of thoughtful and productive thinking to navigate and understand situations of conflict or forgiveness. It involves analyzing the situation, cultivating gratitude, and viewing others' actions from a broader perspective.

💡Wisdom

Wisdom in the video is described as a deeper, more direct approach to working with the mind and developing awareness. It is about learning to have a different relationship with thoughts and emotions, which is achieved through the practice of meditation.

💡Selfishness

Selfishness is the quality of being concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself. In the video, it is presented as a source of suffering because it leads to being absorbed in personal problems and放大 (exaggerating) one's pain. The development of a loving heart and forgiveness is suggested as a counter to selfishness.

💡Reactivity

Reactivity refers to the spontaneous and often uncontrollable responses to situations or stimuli. In the video, the speaker uses reactivity to describe the unstable nature of our minds, which can lead to actions or words that we later regret or feel guilty about, thus hindering the practice of forgiveness.

💡Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is the act of loving someone or something without any limitations or expectations. In the context of the video, it is extended to how we treat our thoughts and emotions, suggesting that true meditation is about accepting and not trying to change or suppress them.

💡Judgment

Judgment is the act of forming an opinion or conclusion about something or someone based on available information. In the video, judgment is presented as a barrier to forgiveness because it involves making assumptions about others' intentions, which can lead to resentment.

Highlights

The talk emphasizes the universal respect for qualities of love, kindness, and compassion.

Forgiveness is a key component in the journey of meditation, mindfulness, and spirituality.

Compassion often starts as conditional, and the goal is to develop more unconditional compassion.

Meditation and mindfulness help us understand that we can develop qualities through simple training.

Forgiveness is crucial for spiritual development, as it allows us to grow beyond our limitations.

Life's challenges and obstacles serve as opportunities to develop forgiveness and compassion.

The practice of forgiveness involves both intelligence and wisdom.

Intelligence in forgiveness involves productive thinking and viewing situations as opportunities for growth.

Wisdom in forgiveness is about directly working with the mind and developing a different relationship with our thoughts and emotions.

Understanding the suffering and reactivity in others helps soften resentment and foster forgiveness.

Meditation is like exercise for the mind, where life's difficulties are the weights that build mental strength.

The key to forgiveness is recognizing our own mistakes and understanding that others are also prone to errors.

Meditation teaches us to have an unconditional love towards our thoughts and emotions, which translates into forgiveness.

Acceptance and non-judgment of our thoughts and emotions are central to the practice of forgiveness.

The process of noticing when our mind wanders is a crucial moment in meditation and a step towards forgiveness.

Meditation is about developing a friendly relationship with our own mind, leading to inner gentleness and forgiveness.

Buddhist teachings on forgiveness can be practiced by anyone, regardless of religious or spiritual background.

The talk concludes by highlighting the importance of combining intelligent thinking and deep looking in the practice of forgiveness.

Transcripts

play00:06

so my talk is about the subject of

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forgiveness I think we called it the

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power of forgiveness so I want to start

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by assuming that we all agree I think

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most people agree that the qualities of

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love kindness compassion these are

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qualities that everybody respects

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whether you're into meditation

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mindfulness spirituality or not just in

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ordinary daily life everybody is drawn

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to people who are kind when we talk

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about people and we say oh he's a nice

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guy or she's a nice girl we usually mean

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because they're generous kind forgiving

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not you know not wrapped up in

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themselves so much so these qualities

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are something everybody respects and

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then of course in the whole journey of

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meditation mindfulness spirituality you

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could say that's the main point the

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development of compassion the

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development of a kind heart I think we

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all have that we all have the seed of

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that everybody knows that feeling of

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kindness and love and compassion but as

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a meditator we want to develop that we

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want it to sort of spread beyond its

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limitations

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one of the biggest limitations for all

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of us is that our compassion tends to be

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sort of conditional you know we we help

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people and it always happens that we

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help somebody and then at some point

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they do something or they say something

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that we don't like and what's the first

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thing that comes into our head after all

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I've done for them

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how could they I mean that's a very

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natural response that we all have but it

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shows that our compassion is still not

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mature it still sort of bound up with

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ego and limitations and as a mindfulness

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or meditation practice no we're trying

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to sort of expand beyond those

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limitations we're trying to develop a

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more unconditional compassion so of

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course within that comes training

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because the beautiful thing about

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meditation and mindfulness is that we we

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understand that we can develop qualities

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in the mind we can develop deeper

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qualities just through simple training

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whether whether you're into religion or

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not makes no difference is just the

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meditation as a science is the science

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of the inner mind so whatever way you're

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practicing it you're trying to develop a

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more open heart so of course within that

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forgiveness is a major component and if

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you really think about it seriously it's

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true to say that in order to develop

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spiritually we need people to be

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horrible to us otherwise how are we

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going to develop true compassion it's

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easy to be compassionate towards small

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fluffy animals and children and easy but

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when those when those tests come those

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obstacles when we feel that people are

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pushing our buttons winding us up

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hurting us harming us whatever then then

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that's that you could say that's the

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that's where we meet our edge and that's

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where the forgiveness training comes in

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so in that sense there could be a kind

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of gratitude oh this this person is

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giving me a chance to develop

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forgiveness this person is the

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it's my meditation aid this person is

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helping my meditation so if we can

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develop more of that attitude that then

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then life becomes very different doesn't

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it because we want to develop compassion

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we want to develop kindness partly

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because it helps others but partly

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because it helps us the more we more we

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explore our mind the more we explore

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mindfulness meditation the more we

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discover that our selfishness is the

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very thing that makes us suffer because

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with our selfishness you know we all

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know what it's like to be selfish and we

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know how it feels it when we're selfish

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we get very wrapped up in our own

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problems you know we get very absorbed

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in our own pain it's almost as if our

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problems become bigger than they really

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are because we put them under a

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microscope and we obsess about them a

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lot and on the other side of the on the

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other side when we become more open

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generous compassionate then our problems

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are sort of in perspective they become

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less important so our own suffering sort

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of lightens through the development of a

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loving heart and of course within that

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forgiveness is the key so how how are we

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going to train in forgiveness can we

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think about it as a training not just a

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random thing that you know how it feels

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when you forgive it's such a relief such

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a relief but can we train in that can we

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train and develop that so I think there

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are two approaches and I think both are

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important and it's good if we can so

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think about both of these I would call

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one of them would be through

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intelligence and the other one is

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through wisdom when I'm talking about

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intelligence I'm talking about using our

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thoughts in a productive way thinking

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about situations in a in a way that's

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helpful and when I'm talking about

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wisdom I'm talking about something more

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direct more about working with the mind

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working with awareness

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looking at the mind so I think both

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these approaches so the intelligence

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approach is to look at the situation's

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we find ourselves in situations of

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conflict or situations where our

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forgiveness has been tested and actually

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think about them more deeply first of

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all to think about the whole notion of

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gratitude gratitude that this person or

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this situation is giving me an

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opportunity I I want to meditate I want

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to develop compassion I want to develop

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love this person is giving me a tool

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through which I can develop deeper

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forgiveness in a way just through

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thinking in that way about the person

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you've already forgiven them it's like

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you're forgiven before you've forgiven

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just by seeing seeing it as an

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opportunity or a teaching everything in

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life can be seen as a teaching or

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something that helps us grow so that's

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one thing another thing I think is to

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think about the situation and think

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about how I think this was mentioned

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earlier in one of the presentations when

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somebody else is doing something we

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don't like we don't really look at it

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from their point of view do we we look

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at it from our point of view but

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compassion is all about connecting with

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the suffering of others connecting with

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what's underneath so when somebody is

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behaving towards me in a way I don't

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like what is it that stops me forgiving

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it's usually a feeling that they

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deliberately they deliberately they

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meant to hurt me they it's deliberate we

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have this whole thing about deliberate

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and accidental don't we you know if

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somebody steps on our foot accidentally

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was all right but if they deliberately

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step on our foot that's very different

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so we make this differentiation and yet

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so what I'm saying is that when somebody

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is doing or saying something or has in

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the past done or said something that we

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feel wounded by a major part of our

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resentment is built on a feeling that

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they meant it

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it was deliberate they planned it and I

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think when you're a practitioner of

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mindfulness and meditation you become

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more honest about your own weakness

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because you see the instability of your

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own mind the most interesting thing is

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when you sit down to do mindfulness

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practice and you're told to be in the

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present moment

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maybe you're told to observe your

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breathing or whatever technique and then

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we find the mind just goes here it goes

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there it's very difficult so we see the

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earthly instability of our mind or we

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see how our reactivity is so out of

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control it just comes up we don't ask

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for it when we get stressed when we get

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upset when we get anxious we don't sit

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around thinking shall I get anxious now

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if I get stressed I think I'll try bit

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of depression it helped we don't think

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like that it just it just comes and how

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often do we find ourselves in a

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situation where we do something or say

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something and then afterwards we think

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why did I say that why did I do that

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doesn't match so that that's not the

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talk of somebody who's in their right

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mind or somebody who's sort of in

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control of their mind it shows that we

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have this deep level of reactivity

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that's very wild and when our emotional

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pain takes over we just we just react

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from it it's a bit like vomiting you

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can't stop yourself vomiting once it's

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once it's happening and we do and say

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things just because our emotion takes

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over so as a mindfulness and meditation

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practitioner we start to see that about

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ourself and this helps us to then

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understand that others are also coming

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from that place so this takes away the

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whole idea of he meant it he

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deliberately said that he deliberately

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did that she she deliberately she was

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out to get me

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we always think people are out to get us

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they're out to get me but if we

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understand that it's coming from

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fusion it's coming from emotional pain

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what we're trying to do here is look at

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the suffering underneath what's going on

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and this helps us to soften that hard

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edge of resentment that really cuts into

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our heart you know how it feels that

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sharpness it softens when we think oh

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really they couldn't help themselves

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they didn't really mean it

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may be it's quite a radical thing to say

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but nobody really means it even the

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person who does things and seem so

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calculating about it really planning it

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and sort of you know cold and

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calculating still they are acting from a

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place of confusion and we know this

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because we know we do it too so I think

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that the starting point for forgiveness

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is to look at how we we also make

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mistakes we also lose control and then

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we can understand that that's how the

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others are as well and this kind of

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softens softens up a situation so we're

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talking about the intelligence approach

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which means through thinking thinking

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differently about the situation thinking

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I'm grateful there's a chance there's an

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opportunity here this is you know how

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you know I need I always think that

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meditations like it's excess it's

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exercise for the mind isn't it so you

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know how when you go to the gym you lift

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weights you want to put more weights on

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your weightlifting machine to get a

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bigger stretch so in the same way with

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meditation you could say the obstacles

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and difficulties of life are like

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loading more weights onto the machines

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so you get more more mindfulness a

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deeper mindfulness the deeper the

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problem and this is this is something

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that everybody involved in meditation

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mindfulness religion on religion

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whatever everybody we have to be careful

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that we don't fall into a trap of just

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looking for a good time you're thinking

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that I'm doing my practice so that I can

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just feel great I'm trying to feel a

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kind of

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it disconnected bliss if we're looking

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for that then of course life's problems

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become a real intrusion into that and

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the mindfulness practitioner becomes

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actually quite scared of life but if you

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are practicing mindfulness or meditation

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with a feeling that you want the the

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obstacles of life the difficulties of

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life are a bit like compost

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what's compost made from it's made from

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all the really disgusting stuff that you

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normally throw away but if you put it on

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your field it helps the field to grow so

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the difficulties of life are like

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compost in the field of awakening so

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that brings a feeling of gratitude that

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could feel bring a feeling of being

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grateful for everything being grateful

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to everybody so that was the first thing

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I mentioned the second thing I mentioned

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was our lack of forgiveness comes

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because we've judged and we assume and

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we make a decision that this person

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meant to harm me therefore I can't

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forgive them so we need to kind of

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soften that down by understanding the

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suffering the deep inherent suffering

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that is there in people's minds that

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make them do what they do so I think

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those are a few little points that we

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can use on this little intelligent side

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then the wisdom side the wisdom side is

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more through the direct training in

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meditation and this is about learning

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how to have a different relationship

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different kind of relationship with our

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thoughts and emotions so I think it's

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true to say that we all have a kind of

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war going on in our head or mind or

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whatever you want to call it that war is

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how we when there are thoughts on them

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or emotions we we either try to suppress

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them push them away or we really get

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into them and we sort of develop them we

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don't learn maybe how does to leave them

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alone and let them breathe let them just

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be and I think meditation is all about

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that it's all about learning to just

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leave the mind alone

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maybe this could be referred to you

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could describe this as a training in

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unconditional love maybe that's an

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interesting way to describe meditation

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because what do we mean by unconditional

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love we let's think of it in terms of

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people when you have unconditional love

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if you just love somebody the way they

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are you don't want to change them you

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don't need to change them just the way

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they are as soon as you try and change

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them you've stopped loving them and that

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as we know is the downfall in every

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relationship so transpose that to how we

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deal with our mind how are we towards

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our emotions how are we towards our

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thoughts are we attacking our thoughts

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are we attacking our emotions what would

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it mean to have unconditional love

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towards our thoughts and emotions it

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would mean just to leave them alone just

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let them be and this is the challenge of

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every meditator because so many

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meditators fall into the trap of sitting

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there and trying to kind of get rid of

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their thoughts they want to go blank

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they think they have to clear their mind

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or empty their mind a lot of people

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meditate like that thinking I have to

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clear or empty or and of course it's

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impossible because the more you try and

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push your thoughts away the worse they

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get and also if if that really is what

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meditation is about there are easier

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ways to achieve it you just have to

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knock your head against the wall until

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you're unconscious

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we'll take an anaesthetic an anesthesia

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could become a path to enlightenment if

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if that's what it is about just blank

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but of course it isn't

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we know that meditation is about it's

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not about blanking or removing or so the

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killing the thoughts or killing the

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emotions

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it's about director developing a

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different way of relating to them so

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maybe we're watching our breathing

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that's a technique many people do we're

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observing our breathing and then of

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course the mind wanders and then we we

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at some point could take a while but at

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some point we notice our mind has

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wandered then what do we do that moment

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of noticing that the mind has wondered

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that moment is a crucial moment in the

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meditation how we deal with that moment

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because many people see that moment as a

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moment of failure you know what I mean

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you're sitting there nicely doing your

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practice and then suddenly you realize

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you were writing an email in your head

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you realize that and you feel you lost

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it there's a kind of tension oh I blew

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it so our meditation becomes a constant

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stringing together of those moments of

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tension that's not good

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what we want to do instead of seeing

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that moment as a moment of failure is

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see it as a moment of success because

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we've had a recognition that our mind

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has wondered it's a moment of awareness

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and so all we have to do is be aware our

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mind wandered and then come back to the

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present moment and whatever you're using

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you might be using breath sound

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visualization or no object whatsoever

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but the idea is you're coming back to

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the present moment so this way we are

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not attacking ourselves for thinking and

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feeling we're just letting it be and

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returning normally we either try and

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push it away or we go for a kind of ride

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in it don't we we jump on the thought

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and go for a surfing on it and that's

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also a kind of it's almost a kind of

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aggression because we're basically

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saying this thought is not good enough

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the way it is I need more of it I need

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two of them or three of them it's like

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somebody put a slice of chocolate cake

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in front of you and you say well

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actually I'd like to please or I'd like

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cream on top and a sparkler you know

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it's not okay the way it is I need more

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of it and that's what we're doing with

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our thoughts and emotions all the time

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is either pushing them down or sort of

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indulging them and going with them so

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instead the middle way approach is just

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to leave them alone just leave it alone

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and come back to the breath this is

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helping us train in a kind of

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unconditional acceptance and I think

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that is the root of forgiveness because

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if we can develop that attitude towards

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our own mind then this will naturally

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relate to how we feel about others what

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is it that stops us forgiving we're

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talking about how can we forgive so what

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is what is what is it that stops us

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forgiving is it's that judgment that

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feeling of unable to accept the

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situation unable to accept the person if

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we're training instead in acceptance

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if acceptance becomes our way of

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training then slowly that's going to

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come out in how we deal with others how

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we think about others so the forgiveness

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will come more naturally when we learn

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to you could say make friends with our

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own mind I always like to think that

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meditation is like falling in love

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falling in love with your own mind and

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for many meditators becomes it's quite a

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struggle many people come to classes and

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they say it's a real struggle I can't

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meditate and that's because they're

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trying to destroy their own mind they're

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trying to get rid of the thoughts

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they're trying to push them away because

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they've got some idea somewhere that

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meditation is like going into a trance

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or going blank but instead if we learn a

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different more creative way of relating

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to our thoughts and emotions through

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this just leaving them alone letting

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them be don't need to judge them just

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come back to the breath come

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to the present moment then we we could

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say we're really making friends so then

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come from that friendship from that love

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comes a kind of inner gentleness a

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feeling of sort of being comfortable in

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your own skin if you're comfortable in

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your own skin you're more comfortable

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about others so forgiveness can come

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from there so what I've tried to share

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with you today is some of the Buddhist

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teachings but of course you don't have

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to become a Buddhist to practice them

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because I always say well nobody owns

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the mind Buddhism doesn't own the mind

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meditation isn't the property of any one

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religion or tradition over another

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because meditation is about the inner

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journey of looking at our mind but the

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what I've tried to do today is share

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some of those teachings about

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forgiveness and particularly through

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these two methods which I think can be

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practiced together the method of

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intelligent thinking and the method of

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deep looking more like how we directly

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relate to our mind so thank you for

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listening

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you

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Related Tags
ForgivenessMindfulnessCompassionMeditationSelf-LoveEmotional GrowthBuddhist TeachingsPersonal DevelopmentInner JourneyUnconditional Love