how to VALIDATE YOURSELF | stop seeking external validation, grow your self worth and level up!

Summary

This video script addresses the issue of seeking validation from others and emphasizes the importance of self-validation. It outlines various types of validation people seek, such as romantic, social media, community, familial, and academic, and explains how this behavior stems from a weak self-perception. The speaker provides actionable advice on how to stop seeking external validation, including self-affirmation, understanding one's attachment style, taking a 'male detox', setting high standards for relationships, and focusing on self-improvement. The ultimate goal is to build a strong self-schema and learn to validate one's own emotions and experiences, leading to a more independent and self-loving life.

Takeaways

• 📞 Avoid seeking immediate validation from others when experiencing negative emotions; instead, learn to process and validate your feelings independently.
• 🤳 Recognize that external validation, such as social media likes or romantic approval, is fleeting and does not foster long-term self-worth.
• 🏠 Build a 'home' within yourself that is safe, supportive, and loving, so you can return to it for validation rather than relying on external sources.
• 🔍 Understand that seeking validation is often rooted in a shaky self-concept and self-esteem that are dependent on external approval.
• 🚫 Stop giving power to others' opinions by recognizing that their judgments are temporary and often a reflection of their own lives, not yours.
• 💪 Develop self-love and independence by setting high standards for friendships and relationships, ensuring they align with your self-worth.
• 🧘‍♀️ Practice solitude to enjoy your own company, which can boost your confidence and make you less reliant on external validation.
• 🚫 Refrain from people-pleasing behaviors that diminish your authenticity and self-respect in the pursuit of others' approval.
• 🔑 Learn to set boundaries and protect your peace without fear of disappointing others, as self-respect is paramount.
• 📈 Focus on self-improvement and achieving personal goals to build a strong foundation of self-worth that reduces the need for external validation.

Q & A

What is the main issue the video aims to address?

The video addresses the issue of seeking validation from others, which is portrayed as a fast track to betraying oneself and a way to lose self-love and self-worth.

Why is seeking validation considered harmful according to the video?

Seeking validation is harmful because it indicates a lack of trust in oneself and suggests reliance on external opinions for self-worth, which can lead to a never-ending cycle of chasing fulfillment without achieving it.

What are the different types of validation mentioned in the video?

The video mentions five types of validation: romantic or mate validation, social media validation, community validation, familial validation, and academic validation.

What is the root cause of seeking validation as discussed in the video?

The root cause of seeking validation, as discussed in the video, is having a weak self-perception built on a shaky foundation of self-worth, often due to receiving little to no validation during childhood or teenage years.

How can one start to validate themselves according to the video?

One can start to validate themselves by closing the gap between their public and private self, ensuring they are the same person in all settings, and not curating a persona for external validation.

What role does male validation play in the video's discussion?

Male validation is discussed as a common area where individuals seek external validation, often leading to a never-ending path of seeking approval and not finding long-term fulfillment.

What is the advice given for those struggling with male validation?

The advice for those struggling with male validation includes taking a 'male detox' to focus on self-love and independence, and understanding that men's opinions should not define one's worth or beauty.

How does the video suggest handling the need for people-pleasing?

The video suggests handling the need for people-pleasing by setting high standards for friendships, focusing on self-improvement, and learning to enjoy solitude to build self-confidence.

What is the significance of building a positive self-schema according to the video?

Building a positive self-schema is significant because it helps in developing a solid self-worth, which in turn prevents the need for seeking external validation and allows one to accept and process their emotions healthily.

How can journaling or video recording be beneficial as per the video's discussion?

Journaling or video recording can be beneficial as they provide a private space for individuals to express and process their emotions without seeking immediate external validation, aiding in self-understanding and self-validation.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 Understanding the Need for Self-Validation

The paragraph emphasizes the importance of self-validation, highlighting that seeking validation from others can lead to a betrayal of one's self-trust. It points out that external validation is a futile pursuit, as it relies on unstable foundations like social media likes or approval from others. The speaker introduces the concept that validation should come from within, and the video aims to guide viewers on how to achieve this. The paragraph also mentions different types of validation people seek, such as romantic, social media, community, familial, and academic validation, and suggests that seeking validation is often rooted in a weak self-perception due to lack of validation during formative years.

05:01

🚫 Overcoming Male Validation and People Pleasing

This paragraph delves into the specific issue of seeking validation from males and the broader behavior of people-pleasing. It discusses the temporary dopamine hit received from male attention but clarifies that it does not lead to long-term fulfillment. The speaker encourages viewers to replace the need for male validation with self-affirmation and to not compare oneself to others. The paragraph also touches on attachment styles and the importance of understanding one's own to overcome the need for external validation. The concept of a 'male detox' is introduced as a method to build self-confidence and independence, emphasizing self-love and the setting of high standards in relationships.

10:01

🧘‍♀️ Embracing Solitude and Setting Boundaries

The speaker discusses the benefits of spending time alone to build self-confidence and the importance of setting high standards for friendships. They stress the need to protect one's peace and energy by being selective with friendships and to set boundaries without fear. The paragraph suggests that confidence in solitude and high standards can prevent toxic relationships and enable individuals to avoid people who drain their energy. It also encourages viewers to remember that disapproval from others is temporary and not a reflection of one's self-worth, advocating for a focus on self-improvement as a way to achieve self-validation.

15:02

🌟 Building a Positive Self-Schema

This paragraph focuses on constructing a positive self-schema to eliminate the need for external validation. It advises identifying and appreciating one's positive qualities and then challenging and disproving any negative self-beliefs. The speaker provides an example of two individuals with the same negative self-belief about their attractiveness but differing in how they respond to it. The paragraph encourages self-experimentation with appearance and a shift in self-perception to build confidence and self-worth, ultimately leading to a state where one does not seek validation from others.

20:04

🌱 Growing into the Present Version of Yourself

The final paragraph stresses the importance of viewing oneself through the lens of the present, not the past. It encourages letting go of past insecurities and mistakes and starting each day as if it were the first day of one's life. The speaker suggests that this mindset helps in shedding old negative self-perceptions and embracing a new, more positive self-image. The paragraph concludes by reinforcing the idea that self-growth and self-acceptance are key to achieving self-validation and not relying on the validation of others.

25:05

🤗 Becoming Your Own Emotional Validator

In this paragraph, the speaker discusses the concept of emotional validation and why it's crucial to validate one's own emotions without seeking external approval. They explain that others cannot fully understand or validate one's feelings due to differing perspectives and experiences. The speaker recommends taking a break from immediately seeking validation from others and instead practicing self-validation through journaling or recording videos to express and process emotions. The paragraph concludes by emphasizing the importance of self-compassion and treating oneself with kindness as a means of self-validation.

Keywords

💡Validation

Validation in the context of the video refers to the need for approval or confirmation from external sources, such as other people's opinions or social media likes, to feel good about oneself. The video emphasizes that seeking validation is a common behavior but ultimately unhealthy because it leads to a reliance on external factors for self-worth, which can be fleeting and unreliable. The script mentions, 'seeking validation is the fastest way to betray yourself,' highlighting how this behavior can undermine self-trust and self-love.

💡Self-worth

Self-worth, as discussed in the video, is an individual's perception of their own value and self-esteem. It is intrinsic and should not be dependent on external validation. The video suggests that a shaky foundation of self-worth can make one susceptible to seeking validation from others. The script points out the importance of building a strong sense of self-worth from within to avoid the trap of external validation.

💡Emotional validation

Emotional validation is the acknowledgment and acceptance of one's feelings and emotions by oneself or others. The video script argues that true emotional validation can only come from within, as others cannot fully understand or experience one's internal state. It is illustrated through the example of someone feeling upset and needing to validate their emotions without seeking external reassurance, instead of relying on others to tell them their feelings are justified.

💡People pleasing

People pleasing is the act of trying to make others happy or approved of at the expense of one's own needs or desires. The video describes it as an addictive behavior that can lead to losing one's sense of self. The script mentions how people-pleasing can stem from a lack of self-love and an attempt to gain validation through others' approval.

💡Self-love

Self-love, in the video, is the practice of appreciating and caring for oneself deeply, which is crucial for emotional health and independence. It is presented as a counteraction to seeking validation from others. The video encourages viewers to grow self-love as a means to reduce dependency on external validation, stating that 'learning to validate yourself will maximize your independence'.

💡Attachment style

Attachment style refers to a person's typical pattern of emotional attachment to others. The video mentions that those who seek validation, particularly romantic validation, might have insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant. Understanding and addressing one's attachment style can help in reducing the need for external validation, as the speaker shares from personal experience.

💡Male validation

Male validation is a specific type of validation where individuals seek approval or worth from male figures or romantic interests. The video script discusses the detrimental effects of seeking male validation and suggests strategies to overcome this, such as taking a 'male detox' to focus on self-love and independence.

💡Solitude

Solitude in the video is portrayed as a positive state of being alone, which allows for self-reflection and personal growth without the need for external validation. The script encourages embracing solitude to build self-confidence and independence, stating that 'finding Community, supportive friends Hobbies building up, your dream life' can be achieved through spending time alone.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries are the limits or limits an individual sets in relationships to protect their own well-being. The video suggests that having high standards for friendships and being comfortable with solitude can empower individuals to set boundaries without fear of disappointing others. It is mentioned as a way to protect oneself from people-pleasing and seeking validation.

💡Self-schema

Self-schema is a psychological concept referring to the organized knowledge or cognitive framework that an individual has about themselves. The video explains that building a positive self-schema is essential for self-validation and reducing the need for external validation. It is mentioned as a way to define oneself positively and independently, which can prevent seeking external validation.

Highlights

Seeking validation is a common behavior that can lead to self-betrayal and reliance on others for self-worth.

External validation can result in a loss of self and difficulty in self-love, leading to a lifelong chase for fulfillment that is never achieved.

Building a supportive and loving internal environment is crucial for self-validation and emotional stability.

Learning to validate oneself can maximize independence, enhance self-knowledge, and improve emotional management.

There are five types of validation: romantic, social media, community, familial, and academic.

The root of seeking validation often lies in weak self-perception and shaky self-worth foundation.

To stop seeking validation, one must close the gap between their public and private self.

Many people build a persona for social settings, which can lead to a loss of authenticity.

Validation is an underrated form of love and acceptance, and its absence in early life can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

It's not one's fault if they seek validation due to past experiences, but it's their responsibility to build a better present.

Self-validation starts with affirming one's own worth and beauty, regardless of external opinions.

Understanding one's attachment style can help in overcoming the need for male validation.

A male detox, which involves abstaining from dating and focusing on self-love, can lead to increased confidence and independence.

People-pleasing can lead to a loss of self and is often a result of low self-worth.

Spending time alone and setting high standards for friendships can help in building self-confidence and setting boundaries.

Rejection and losing people are normal parts of life and should not define one's character or worth.

Building a positive self-schema is essential for self-validation and involves identifying and challenging negative self-beliefs.

Self-validation involves acknowledging and accepting one's own emotions without seeking external approval.

Journaling or recording videos can be effective methods for self-expression and self-validation.

The video concludes with a call to action for viewers to practice self-validation and to seek support through the content creator's social platforms.

Transcripts

if you have to pick up the phone and

call somebody after you've been

triggered or going through negative

emotions if you have to run your big and

small decisions even like what picture

you should post on Instagram next by

somebody if you struggle with rejection

and your emotions are affected by other

people's opinions of you then you

especially need to watch this video

seeking validation is the fastest way to

betray yourself and in the process of

doing so not only are you saying you

don't trust yourself but you're saying

that you rely on others to have better

self-worth and that external opinions

are more important than your own and

after a while of engaging with this

Behavior not only will you lose yourself

you'll find it difficult to love

yourself and you could spend your entire

life chasing others and still never

feeling fulfilled because you haven't

taken the time to build a safe

supportive validating and loving home to

come back to within yourself and that's

why this video is all about how you can

learn to finally validate yourself

learning to validate yourself will

maximize your Independence allow you to

get to know yourself fully so you can

actually be your own best friend it

provides an effective practice to

actually grow your self-love and my

favorite it will help you to manage your

thoughts and emotions much better as

always I'll leave the video chapters on

the side of the screen so you can get to

know the structure of this video and

also my make sure you follow my

Instagram because every single week

before I record a YouTube video I always

put out q a on the topic of that YouTube

video so you guys can let me know any

questions or queries you have on the

topic of that week's video that you want

me to touch on and I've looked through

all of your answers and I've

Incorporated some of those questions

throughout this video to help as many of

you as I possibly can let's get to the

root of this because once you understand

fully where it's coming from you can

work back from it effectively seeking

validation is a very common thing but it

looks different in every single person

and this is because there are five types

of validation you can seek romantic

slash mail validation social media

validation like likes followers Etc

Community validation this is what I like

to call like popularity validation

wanting to be accepted by other people

the cool kids friends Etc familial

validation this is when you'll bend over

backwards to do anything that will make

your family proud even if it's not

actually very self-serving to you you'll

allow family members or parents to

overstep your boundaries because you

just want them to accept and love you

and finally academic valid station when

you attach your Worth to grades and

achievements and success the reason

people seek validation is because they

are placing their self-concept and

self-esteem in the hands of others such

as their approval from other people or

from external factors like grades you

are placing your self-love and your

self-worth to something outside of

yourself that literally makes no sense

and that's why it never works long term

that's why it's a never-ending cycle you

might get the likes and followers you

might get the guy to like you you might

be in with the popular kids but then

you're chasing it still over and over

and over again and never feeling

fulfilled you are always chasing

something because you are chasing the

wrong thing validation starts and ends

within yourself really seeking

validation is caused by having a very

weak self-perception which is built on a

very shaky Foundation of your self-worth

what I mean by this shaky Foundation of

self-worth is that an insult or online

trolling or even disapproval from a

stranger can now cause insecurities

within yourself because you haven't got

that strong foundation so how can we

reverse seeking validation from other

people the best way is to close the gap

between your public and private self we

want to take it from here

to here so it's the same person many of

us build a Persona that we use in Social

settings our public self and we

carefully curate this public self so

that we can gain the desired perception

we want other people to have of us for

example we might try to be quieter or

have fewer opinions so no one disagrees

with us and we're not controversial we

might water down our personality because

we think that's the only way we'll get

more friends you know like when you meet

someone for the first time you're like

you know don't be too much or I have to

be a bit more of a refined perfect

polite nicer version of myself so now

let me reassure and validate you it is

not your fault that you seek validation

the reason that you do is because you

probably received little to no

validation when you were a child or

maybe you didn't receive a validation

when you were growing up in your teenage

years from your family your friends

maybe even your teachers validation is

an underrated form of love and

acceptance and it should not be held

back from anyone and if it was held back

from you then of course you're gonna

have unhealthy copy mechanisms like

people pleasing or seeking male

validation or attaching your work to

your academics that is not your fault

and I'm so sorry that that's the place

that you're in however although it is

not your fault it is your responsibility

to make a better life for your present

self it is your mission to be there for

yourself so you don't keep suffering in

the long term because at the end of the

day you are and you need to believe that

you are beautiful enough you are smart

enough you are desirable enough and you

are worthy enough of everything you want

you are worthy enough to be validated

just from yourself and you need to hold

that self-validation to such a high

standard that the opinions of others no

longer hold any significance to how you

feel about yourself and this is the

perfect time to bring in male validation

this is something I struggled with for

so many years it's a never-ending path

of trying to fill a hole within yourself

which only craves self-love but that's

hard so you go out and you seek it from

other people instead because a

compliment a text from a guy being asked

on a date is quick and easy and it will

give you that dopamine hit so fast but

it will not fulfill you long term so

let's cut that out and this is how

first and foremost take men off the

pedestal and put yourself on it instead

affirm it I am that I always have

been and I always will be regardless of

what anybody else says I don't care if

you believe it you are going to say this

to yourself enough times until you do

you are going to embody the energy of

being your own it girl until it

naturally becomes a part of you also

just because somebody else gets more

male attention than you does not take

away your beauty or your worth as a

woman please do not let it Define you

because men's tastes are very

questionable they are not to be trusted

okay men should be the last people to be

the deciders of anybody's Worth or

beauty it's 2023 we know how stupid men

can be and the weird decisions they make

and yet you still trust that their

opinion of you is valid what next figure

out your attachment style if you are

seeking male validation then chances are

you have some attachment issues you

could have an avoidance or an anxious

attachment take a free test online learn

what it is and then work back from it

read your books take online courses join

therapy if you have to it is very

possible and I say this from experience

because I used to be an avoidant and now

I'm I am secure majority of my issues

around male validation came around

because I was an avoidant because I

loved flirting and being a Serial data I

also had a lot of internal insecurities

so I was placing my worth in the hands

of men so by working on my attachment

issues working on how to master

Detachment and working on my

insecurities I was good as new the next

step is my favorite and this is take a

male detox three months for six months

for a year do not date no talking stages

no hooking up no flirting just loving

your Solitude finding Community

supportive friends Hobbies building up

your dream life after spending a year

alone and not engaging in trying to

impress men trying to get them to like

you trying to get them to choose you

date you whatever you will become so

magnetic and confident and independent

your aura will be amazing and especially

once you've taken that significant

amount of time and spent a alone you are

no longer going to care what other men

think about you because now you're used

to not chasing it anymore it takes 30

days to form a habit so I don't care how

hard and uncomfortable it feels for 30

days you are not going to date or talk

to a man after a month you'll be used to

it after a month you'll be used to

loving yourself and your own company

then you keep it going then your

confidence increases then you're more

independent then you'll stand and

Skyrocket then you don't even care what

a man has to say about you and also

please remember this

why do you need somebody else to tell

you that you're beautiful or that they

like you you liking yourself is enough

you can stop there I am proud of myself

for XYZ yes maybe I have these few

weaknesses and insecurities over that

that's okay that's human that doesn't

make me any less worthy that doesn't

make me imperfect even if I am imperfect

that's fine but what I think about

myself is the only thing that matters so

let's talk about the next form of

seeking validation which is people

pleasing and how this can make you lose

yourself I have had my own battles with

this over the course of my life so far

this was even up until recently where I

feel like I didn't feel worthy of

friendship so I would water myself down

so I was more digestible for others or I

would push myself to fit in a smaller

box so that more people would like me or

I would bend over backwards to do favors

for people and impress them so that

they'd like me and approve of me and in

doing all of that I lost myself because

I was signaling to my brain that my

choices are not enough me just being

authentic take on my own as I am isn't

enough I had this limiting ongoing

belief that I have to perform and I have

to earn other people's approval I can

happily say I'm no longer in that place

and this is how I spent so long growing

my self-love through spending time by

myself in my solitude because the thing

is is seeking validation and people

pleasing is a very addictive behavior

and it can turn into a never-ending

cycle just like many other forms of

validation so sit with yourself start

practicing what it's like to spend time

with yourself and how fun it can be and

over time you'll enjoy it a little bit

more each day and when you've fallen in

love with yourself in your Solitude your

standards go so high my dating standards

and my friendship standards are equally

high and not enough people talk about

this there's so much emphasis on having

such a big list of rules and high

standards for dating men which of course

there should be but you should hold the

same standards for your friendships for

who you allowed to take up your time

energy space resources emotions love

affection and care I am so picky now

because I don't mind being alone I'm

happy with it that's how I protect my

peace and my energy that's how I stay

feeling good about myself because now at

least I don't have toxic friends at

least I'm not bending over backwards for

people who wouldn't do the same for me

and on top of this once you are

confident in spending time alone once

your standards have been raised to the

roof you can now set boundaries without

fear a lot of people tell me that they

struggle with setting boundaries really

this is a result of a lack of confidence

and also because you tend to be a people

pleaser you are afraid of letting other

people down or disappointing them but

the right people aren't going to be

disappointed when you set your

boundaries they will respect them and

when you spend time alone and have those

high standards for friendship you will

be able to protect yourself and avoid

those leeches that make you feel bad for

saying boundaries a very important

element to stop seeking validation is to

stop giving enough and this is how you

do it remember that everything is

temporary and that one person's

disapproval of you is a singular moment

in time that moment of time will pass

and they will forget about you before

you know it plus nothing really matters

and we're all living on a floating Rock

And We Are One one of eight billion

people let that sink in nobody cares

that much I am never going to be that

person that says that nobody cares about

you because truthfully yes people

stabbed people laugh they point they

insult they judge they talk behind your

back I've experienced it all sometimes

people do care about what's going on in

your life because it makes them feel

better about themselves to judge you but

nobody cares that much because when they

go home and they're working they are

doing other things they're about to fall

asleep at night they are not still

thinking about you when they are at work

and they are going through stresses and

they are trying to be productive they

are going through issues with their

family they are not still thinking about

you people have their own lives and yes

they will occasionally judge you and

project their insecurities on you but it

never matters enough for that moment to

last more than five minutes because

after that they will forget about you

they will move on to worrying about

their own life or judging another person

so if they're forgetting about it you

should too Let It Go the next step is a

crucial one Focus so hard on bettering

yourself and your life in the process of

achieving self-love self-growth and

achieving all of your life goals you

will have built up so much pride

confidence and Independence that your

newfound fulfillment will protect you

from falling back into your old and

healthy coping mechanisms like people

pleasing and seeking validation and this

is the way you can stop second guessing

yourself in Social settings overthinking

about things chasing people you need to

invest your time and energy into

something useful that will give you a

great output in your own life like

setting up a business or putting more

time into your hobbies or joining a

like-minded community of people that's

so you have something to put your time

energy and emotions into and that way

when the smaller stuff comes up like

when somebody disapproves of you or is

judging you or talking behind your back

you literally won't be able to overreact

or spend so much time thinking about it

or even being upset about it because you

are so preoccupied with how great you've

made your life and all of the amazing

things you get to do every single day

your brain should be too full of your

own passion and your mission in life

that what anybody else has to say would

never affect you because you're too

focused on yourself lastly I want to say

the fastest way to stop giving an app is

to remember rejection is normal losing

people is normal and outgrowing people

is normal oh they cut you off or they

don't like you or your crush doesn't

find you attractive so what that doesn't

Define you or your character or your

work some people just aren't meant for

us or sometimes we just deserve better

sometimes we're going after something

that we thought we wanted but actually

should never have come into our life not

everybody's meant for us and also you

shouldn't even want everybody to be

meant for you it's a good thing that not

everybody likes you that protects you

every single human being on this planet

even the richest and the most famous and

successful are handed their own little

bag of rejection and failures and life

lessons it is nothing personal that's

just life you are going to stop seeking

validation by becoming secure in

yourself and growing your self-worth and

this is gonna come about from you

building up your self schema yes that's

right I'm bringing psychology up in here

so what is self schema self schema is

all about your self-image it's about how

you define yourself according to your

personality traits your behaviors maybe

even your physical traits every single

person on this planet has a certain set

of beliefs that contributes to their

self schema to their self-image you have

to do everything in your power to build

up a positive self schema so that you

are no longer seeking validation from

others having a solid self-worth will

prevent you from seeking external

validation so how do we do this identify

your favorite parts of yourself really

journey inwards to weaken knowledge how

great of a person you are all of these

things all of the qualities things that

you've done achievements just who you

are as a person that makes you so effing

amazing automatically this will start

helping you look at yourself in a

positive light and then after this you

are going to write down all of the

negative perceptions you have of

yourself once you have a list of your

negative self-beliefs you are then going

to prove every single one of them wrong

and of course I'm going to give you an

example so let's bring back Lola and

Athena now both Lola and Athena have the

same negative self-belief which is that

they are not beautiful they feel very

unattractive Lola listens to this

negative self-belief so she hides

herself away she hides her face in

pictures she chases other people because

she thinks she's lucky when guys like

her because she thinks she's so ugly she

doesn't go after certain opportunities

because she automatically assumes she'll

be rejected from them because she's just

not good enough she's just not

attractive enough for that she allows

her negative self-belief to control her

life and the way she sees herself and

this ultimately leads to her seeking

validation from everyone and thing now

Athena also believes that she's

unattractive now we all know this ain't

true both of these women gorgeous

gorgeous look Athena is that girl okay

but Athena has had this negative self

schema this negative self-belief for her

whole life she just cannot see the

beauty in herself but she is sick of

placing her worth in the hands of others

and she wants to do something about it

she is not out on a mission to try and

see herself in a different light are

much better more secure life so she

starts experimenting which haircut suits

her face shape the best which makeup

products actually help effectively

accentuate the great facial features she

already has she treats herself and buys

herself a whole new wardrobe because

playing with clothes is going to help

her start stepping into her confidence

and when you do little things like

playing around with hair makeup clothes

they provide that first step into

confidence and over time once you've

taken the first step you can build

yourself up to eventually feel

confidence without having those things

without having the best outfit on or

having your makeup done and I speak from

experience once she's experimented she's

got a new look she's feeling a little

bit better about herself she locks

herself in a bedroom and she decides to

put on a little photo shoot of herself

she experiments with different lighting

and angles she really learns her face

what her favorite features are of her

face and body and she has fun with it

she experiments she tries on a bunch of

different clothes she does some crazy

things with her hair she takes a bunch

of photos of herself and in doing so she

starts to see The beauty within herself

Lola Athena are both stunning in their

own different ways the difference is

Lola decided to listen to her negative

self-belief and decided to live her life

according to it Athena wanted to prove

that negative self-belief wrong so she

put on a photo shoot she tried doing

some different things she experimented

with her appearance because she was

bored with it she didn't like it she

thought yes I'll change it up and that's

what a did her seeing her appearance in

a different light now she feels

comfortable when somebody wants to take

a picture of her now she started

building up the confidence to wear out

her favorite outfits in public and not

want to blend into the crowd because she

doesn't want to be seen and my last

point for this chapter is to look at who

you are as your current self and nothing

else start looking at yourself as the

person you are now start acting like

this morning when you woke up that was

the first day of your life because I did

this a lot for years even at 20 21 years

old I was still viewing myself through

the lens of who I was as my 15 year old

self who was very awkward and nerdy and

insecure and she had a really bad self

option she had a bunch of negative self

beliefs that like no one would like her

boys wouldn't like her she wasn't

desirable or attractive so even when I

was 20 and I had my little glow up and

I'd done a bunch of other things to help

grow my confidence I was still looking

at myself like I was my awkward 15 year

old self but that's not true I have

grown I have Newfound wisdom

intelligence Beauty I'm a whole

different person that's the beauty of

self-growth so the way to start seeing

yourself as your current version is

every morning you need to wake up like

today is the first day of your life and

that's gonna help you stop bringing in

past rejections mistakes cringy

embarrassing moments into your present

life it's gonna help you stop defining

yourself through your past mistakes

through the past versions of yourself

who you also need to give forgiveness to

because they were who they were and they

acted the way they did because they had

a certain level of awareness at that

time you have grown since then you do

not need to keep looking at yourself

through the lens of your pastels because

you're not that person anymore you need

to ask yourself if I woke up today if

today was the first day of my life with

the things I have the things I've

accomplished and the Newfound wisdom I

have at this age who would I be what

would I say how would I act what would I

do and go into your day like that rather

than harboring all of this resentment

for your past selves and your mistakes

because when you're still focusing on

past negative memories of yourself that

is also what is impacting your self

schema being negative I'm 22 now this

was me 10 years ago at 12 years old look

at me you can just see that I'm not

confident that I'm not feeling myself

imagine that I still viewed myself

through that lens I wouldn't even be

sitting here recording this video

because I would feel so much Shame about

myself so not only did I have to go

through self-growth to step into a new

version of myself but I had to shed the

old version of myself so that I could

allow a new perception to come into my

life and stick with it and believe it

and the last most important chapter how

to become your own validation the advice

I'm about to give in this chapter will

apply to all types of validation but I'm

going to be using emotional validation

as an example throughout when I I'm

explaining everything you are the only

person in this universe that truly knows

yourself inside and out not your parents

not your siblings not your childhood

best friend every single person in your

life has a different perception of you

your parents See You In a Different

Light from your siblings from your best

friends from your partner only you know

your full life Journey your inner

thoughts your inner dialogue and no one

else's knowledge of you no matter how

long they have known you could ever

compare therefore other people could

never ever accurately validate you

because people's opinions and

perceptions of you are based on their

own life Journey their own mindset their

own upbringing trauma projections their

opinions have nothing to do with you and

everything to do with them which means

their validation of you isn't even real

other people are incapable of validating

you because they don't have all the

facts the only person that does have all

the facts is you which means you are the

only person that can value date yourself

and this links to emotional validation

for example if you're really upset

you're going through it something is

happening you're explaining someone why

you're upset and what this situation is

and their response to you is that you're

overreacting you should get just get

over it or be positive it's not that big

of a deal other people have it worse off

like I'm sorry are you going through the

same thoughts emotions and internal

dialogue as me right now no right so

shut up so you see other people's brains

and emotions aren't wired in the same

way as ours so what affects us might not

affect them in the same way that doesn't

make our emotions any less valid they

might have a completely different

approach to the situation based on their

own upbringing and mindset in comparison

to US therefore that does not put them

in a valid position to validate you and

what you should do you need to do what's

right for you and only you can be the

true judge of that other people's

opinions of you does not lessen how bad

your situation is if it hurts your pain

is valid if it's affecting your emotions

and making you feel weird if you are

feeling affected by it your pain is

valid you do not need someone else to

validate your allowance to express your

negative emotions whether that be

sadness anger whatever this is why

self-validation is so important and this

is how you do it I want you to take a

break from calling someone going to a

family member or friend immediately

after you feel triggered or angered by

someone or you're upset about something

because when that's your first course of

action that's you seeking validation for

the way you're feeling from other people

it is absolutely okay to go to family

and friends for help but sometimes try

and be there for yourself so when you

take this break from running to somebody

else for help you're gonna start

practicing dealing with and accepting

your own emotions and then you're going

to either journal or video I personally

video now everybody knows the great

importance of writing down your feelings

journaling all of that I'm a big big

advocate for that personally what I've

started to do is hit record when I'm

feeling sad I literally get my phone out

record a video even if I'm like crying

I'm super angry my emotions are very

high instead of calling somebody I'll

press record and I'll just talk to

myself in this camera as if I'm having a

conversation with somebody and I can be

completely authentic and unfiltered and

walk along for as long as I can because

I'm actually in private and instantly

the weight of that bad situation has

been relieved because I've released it

I've said it out loud that's allowed me

to process it plus having this fall on

conversation with yourself will also

allow you to understand yourself and the

situation and your emotions much better

once I've recorded this video I'm very

aware of how I'm feeling maybe my

emotions are still a little bit High I'm

gonna think about what I would wish

somebody else would say to me if I was

to call up a family member or friend and

tell them what was going on in this

situation what would I hope to hear from

them

and then whatever I would hope to hear

I'm gonna say that back to myself

because that is what I deserve whatever

validation you're seeking from somebody

else whatever sentence you wish they

would say to you say it to yourself it's

as easy as that you know so I see you I

accept you it makes sense why you're

upset about this thing you are not

overreacting you are not a bad person

for feeling this way you are human it is

okay to also go through the negative

spectrum of emotions you are fully in

your right to feel upset about this or

be a bit off moody or down you did not

deserve that treatment from that person

I'm here for you we'll get through this

we'll resolve this issue it will be

better but for now if you need to feel

your feelings and be angry cry get it

out of your system that is completely

okay and you are in within your right to

do that in fact that is a very healthy

expression of your emotions to be able

to deal and process with the situation

and then move on from it sometimes it's

hard for us to empathize with ourselves

so if you're going through that maybe

you're beating yourself up about

responding to a certain situation in the

way that you did act like your friend

actually went through that better yet

look at yourself through the lens of

your inner child instantly you will have

so much more compassion for yourself and

you'll treat your self with much more

kindness which is the key to validating

yourself being not for yourself and stop

placing your worth and expectations in

the hands of others you can just be

there for yourself and that be enough

without seeking the approval of

everybody else and that brings us to the

end of this video I hope you guys

enjoyed this video and learn something

new if you did and it helped you out

make sure you comment down below and

like this video And subscribe because

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so you can have your say on what you

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videos so I'll see you in the next one

thank you so much for watching and being

here I appreciate you bye

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lay down

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