Sabrina Benaim - Explaining My Depression to My Mother

Summary

In this poignant conversation, a child attempts to explain the complex nature of their depression to their mother. They describe depression as a shape-shifter, sometimes small and manageable, other times overwhelming. They discuss the challenges of battling anxiety, the emptiness of forced socialization, and the relentless grip of insomnia. The child conveys a deep sense of loneliness and fear of living, rather than dying, highlighting the struggle to find joy and connection amidst their internal turmoil.

Takeaways

• 🌌 The narrator describes their depression as a 'shape shifter', indicating its unpredictable and ever-changing nature.
• 🐻 On particularly bad days, the narrator feels overwhelmed by their depression, comparing it to a bear, and resorts to 'playing dead' to cope.
• 🕯️ The mother suggests lighting candles, but the narrator associates candles with death and loss, highlighting their fear of mortality.
• 🛌 The narrator struggles with getting out of bed, feeling held hostage by anxiety within their own home and mind.
• 🤔 The mother inquires about the origin of the anxiety, to which the narrator metaphorically describes it as an unwelcome guest brought by depression.
• 🎉 Despite making plans to socialize, the narrator lacks the desire to follow through, indicating a disconnection from their previous interests.
• 🌙 The narrator experiences insomnia, finding solace in the night and the moon, but also feeling trapped in their own thoughts.
• 🐑 The mother suggests counting sheep to fall asleep, but the narrator's mind is too occupied with reasons to stay awake.
• 🚶‍♂️ The narrator goes for walks to escape their thoughts, but physical discomfort and the sense of being out of place persist.
• 💔 The narrator feels a deep sense of loneliness and fear of living, stemming from past experiences such as their father's departure.
• 🏠 The narrator uses busyness as a shield against confronting their loneliness and the emptiness in their life, especially in their home.
• 💔 The depression is personified as a force that drags the narrator back to their bed, symbolizing the struggle to escape their mental state.

Q & A

How does the narrator describe their depression?

The narrator describes their depression as a shape shifter that can vary in size and intensity, sometimes as small as a firefly and other times as large as a bear.

What does the narrator associate with the 'dark days'?

The narrator associates the 'dark days' with their depression, and they mention playing dead until the metaphorical 'bear' leaves them alone.

Why does the narrator feel that lighting candles might not help?

The narrator associates candles with the flesh of a church and a traumatic memory of standing beside an open casket, which makes them not afraid of the dark but rather afraid of the memories associated with light.

What is the narrator's experience with anxiety?

The narrator experiences anxiety as a hostage-taker that keeps them confined within their house and head, preventing them from getting out of bed.

How does the narrator describe their relationship with parties and socializing?

The narrator makes plans to attend parties and see friends but admits they don't really want to go, indicating a lack of enjoyment in social activities.

What does the narrator's insomnia feel like?

Insomnia is described as something that sweeps the narrator up in its arms and dips them in the kitchen's stove light, making the moon feel like perfect company.

Why does the narrator struggle with the suggestion to count sheep?

The narrator's mind can only count reasons to stay awake, implying that they have too many thoughts and concerns to fall asleep easily.

How does the narrator feel about happiness?

The narrator views happiness as a high fever that will break or as hollow as a pin-pricked egg, suggesting that their happiness is fleeting or insubstantial.

What does the narrator fear more: dying or living?

The narrator is more afraid of living than dying, indicating a deep dissatisfaction or discomfort with their current life.

How does the narrator connect their loneliness to their father leaving?

The narrator learned to turn anger into loneliness after their father left, and then into busyness, using busyness as a way to avoid confronting their feelings of loneliness.

What does the narrator mean when they say they are a 'careless tourist' in their own life?

The narrator feels disconnected from their own experiences, likening themselves to a tourist who will never truly know everywhere they have been, suggesting a lack of self-awareness or understanding.