Embracing Thought: The Power of Language and Choice | David Fisher | TEDxYouth@MageeSecondary

Summary

The speaker reflects on how changing the mindset from 'I have to' to 'I get to' can empower individuals and change their perspective on life. By framing tasks as opportunities rather than obligations, it fosters a sense of choice and personal agency. This approach can influence not only oneself but also the people around them through a ripple effect. The speaker emphasizes that while it may be challenging to shift this mindset, doing so can lead to more fulfilling relationships and experiences, ultimately contributing to positive change on a broader scale.

Takeaways

• 😊 Shifting from 'I have to' to 'I get to' empowers us by creating a sense of choice rather than obligation.
• 📺 The speaker grew up watching older TV shows with moral lessons, which influenced their perspective on responsibility and expectations.
• 🧠 Our brains compartmentalize experiences, often reinforcing negative self-beliefs like being 'stupid' or 'clumsy' based on past events.
• 🎓 Changing our language from 'I have to' to 'I get to' can reframe our mindset towards opportunities and challenges, such as studying or working.
• 💬 The words we use impact our sense of empowerment, allowing us to take control of our actions rather than feeling burdened by them.
• 👂 We 'get to' listen to others, such as family or friends, and this act of listening can positively influence our relationships and social connections.
• 🌍 Our actions and attitudes affect others in ways that extend beyond immediate interactions, impacting people through three degrees of influence.
• 💡 The speaker shared a personal story about realizing this shift in perspective with their daughter, emphasizing the importance of choice.
• 🗣 The speaker humorously reflected on how they themselves fell into the 'have to' mindset while preparing this very speech.
• 🎉 Embracing the mindset of 'I get to' allows us to see opportunities in everyday tasks and interactions, fostering personal growth and positive influence.

Q & A

What personal experience does the speaker share at the beginning of the speech?

The speaker shares that they grew up with their grandparents after their father passed away when they were five years old.

How does the speaker describe the influence of TV shows from the 1950s on their childhood?

The speaker recalls watching TV shows like 'Leave it to Beaver' and 'I Love Lucy' with their grandparents, noting that these shows often featured moral lessons and involved children learning responsibility, such as apologizing for mistakes.

What is the main issue the speaker identifies with the phrase 'have to'?

The speaker argues that saying 'I have to' is disempowering because it feels like an obligation and removes the sense of choice in performing an action.

How does the brain respond to negative thoughts, according to the speaker?

The speaker explains that the brain creates mental 'files' for experiences, such as 'stupid' or 'clumsy' moments, and categorizes similar experiences together, which reinforces negative self-perceptions.

What alternative does the speaker offer to the phrase 'have to'?

The speaker suggests replacing 'have to' with 'get to,' which reframes the activity as a privilege or opportunity, thus creating a more empowering mindset.

How does the speaker address the issue of toxic positivity in relation to changing one's mindset?

The speaker clarifies that this approach is not about dismissing negative emotions. It's important to acknowledge and sit with difficult feelings, but the reframing helps create a more positive perspective over time.

What example does the speaker give to illustrate how reframing 'have to' can change one’s mindset?

The speaker gives the example of someone getting married. Instead of saying 'I have to get married,' one would say 'I get to get married,' which feels more empowering and joyful.

What research does the speaker cite to support the idea of personal influence extending to others?

The speaker references sociologist Nicholas Christakis, who theorized that our influence extends to three degrees, meaning that how we treat others can affect not only them but also their friends and their friends' friends.

What final anecdote does the speaker share about practicing the 'get to' mindset?

The speaker shares a personal story about preparing a speech. Despite advocating for using 'get to' instead of 'have to,' they caught themselves saying 'I have to prepare a speech,' which led to an 'existential crisis' and a moment of self-reflection.

What is the overall message the speaker wants to convey to the audience?

The speaker encourages the audience to reframe their thinking from 'have to' to 'get to,' which can create a sense of empowerment and positivity in their daily lives. This shift can also influence others and contribute to positive change in the world.

Outlines

00:00

🧠 Understanding 'Have to' vs. 'Get to'

The speaker reflects on their upbringing with grandparents and watching old TV shows like 'Leave it to Beaver' and 'I Love Lucy.' These shows had moral lessons, often involving children completing tasks reluctantly, like cleaning rooms or apologizing. The speaker compares this to how we approach obligations today, framing tasks as 'have to' rather than 'get to.' This 'have to' mindset disempowers us, locking our brain into negative pathways that accumulate over time. The speaker suggests reframing obligations as opportunities, making them feel more empowering and less obligatory.

05:01

🎧 The Power of Listening and Influence

The speaker explores the impact of reframing 'have to' as 'get to' by sharing the story of listening to others. They reference sociologist Nicholas Christakis, who theorizes that our influence extends to three degrees of separation. This means our positive actions, like listening to someone, can affect not only that person but their friends and even their friends’ parents. The speaker emphasizes how much power we hold in shaping the world around us, just by changing our mindset from obligation ('have to') to opportunity ('get to').

Keywords

💡Have to

This concept represents obligations or duties people feel they must perform. In the script, 'have to' is linked to a disempowering mindset, where individuals feel burdened by tasks or responsibilities, such as waking up early or attending meetings. The speaker suggests that using 'have to' contributes to a negative psychological effect, reinforcing feelings of obligation and lack of control.

💡Get to

'Get to' is presented as an empowering alternative to 'have to'. It implies that a person has the privilege or opportunity to do something rather than being forced to. The script encourages adopting a 'get to' mindset, turning obligations into opportunities, like 'getting to study' or 'getting to spend time with family', which promotes a more positive and motivated attitude.

💡Empowerment

Empowerment is a central theme, referring to gaining a sense of control and choice in one’s actions. The script advocates for using empowering language ('get to' instead of 'have to') as a tool to help people feel more in control of their lives. This shift in perspective is suggested to lead to greater self-determination and positivity.

💡Brain compartmentalization

This concept describes how the brain organizes experiences and emotions into metaphorical 'files', categorizing them based on previous similar events. The speaker uses this idea to explain how repetitive negative thoughts, like feeling stupid or clumsy, reinforce those feelings. Changing language, such as shifting from 'have to' to 'get to', can help reshape these mental files toward positivity.

💡Influence

Influence is highlighted in the context of how our actions and attitudes affect others around us, even extending to people we may not know. The speaker references sociologist Nicholas Christakis’s theory that our behavior can influence others up to three degrees away, meaning our positive or negative actions can have a far-reaching impact.

💡Choice

Choice is a recurring theme in the video, emphasizing the power individuals have in how they perceive and react to life’s challenges. By framing responsibilities as choices ('get to') rather than obligations ('have to'), individuals can take control of their lives and feel more empowered. The speaker reinforces that making this choice leads to greater fulfillment.

💡Negativity bias

Negativity bias refers to the tendency of the brain to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones. In the script, the speaker explains how this bias creates 'files' in the brain that store negative memories, like clumsiness or stupidity, which in turn makes us feel more negative. Overcoming this bias by focusing on positive framing ('get to') can shift one’s perspective.

💡Toxic positivity

The speaker briefly mentions 'toxic positivity', which refers to dismissing or invalidating negative emotions by forcing overly positive thinking. The script warns against this mindset, emphasizing that it’s important to acknowledge and sit with negative feelings instead of ignoring them. The shift from 'have to' to 'get to' is framed as a balanced approach that doesn’t deny challenges but offers a more empowering perspective.

💡Responsibility

Responsibility refers to the duties or tasks that one is expected to perform. The script suggests reframing how we view responsibilities, seeing them as opportunities ('get to') instead of burdens ('have to'). This change in language encourages individuals to take ownership of their responsibilities in a more positive and proactive way.

💡Three degrees of separation

This concept is based on Nicholas Christakis’s theory that our influence extends up to three degrees, meaning the way we treat others can indirectly affect their friends, their friends’ friends, and beyond. The speaker uses this idea to highlight the profound impact individuals can have on society, suggesting that changing our language and behavior not only affects us but also those around us.

Highlights

The speaker grew up with grandparents and was influenced by the TV shows they watched, like 'Leave it to Beaver' and 'I Love Lucy.'

These shows often portrayed moral lessons and responsibilities for children, which shaped the speaker's understanding of tasks like cleaning, studying, and apologizing.

The speaker compares the human brain's organization to a computer file system, where negative experiences are stored in files and influence future self-perception.

The speaker argues that saying 'I have to' reinforces disempowering feelings and creates a negative mental association with the task.

Instead of 'I have to,' the speaker suggests using 'I get to,' which fosters a sense of empowerment and choice.

The shift from 'have to' to 'get to' changes one's perspective, making even routine or unpleasant tasks feel like opportunities rather than burdens.

The speaker emphasizes that this mental shift isn't about toxic positivity, but about reframing tasks to regain a sense of choice.

The example of not 'having to get married' but 'getting to get married' shows how even large life events can feel empowering with this mindset.

The brain reinforces patterns of behavior and thought, so frequently saying 'I have to' strengthens negative associations with tasks.

The speaker shares a story about telling his daughter she 'gets to go to work' instead of 'having to go to work,' which emphasizes the power of reframing.

By adopting 'get to' thinking, individuals can take control of their life experiences instead of being led by obligations.

This shift in language and mindset has the potential to influence others, as people's emotions and actions can affect up to three degrees of separation.

The speaker humorously reflects on his own contradiction, preparing a speech about 'getting to prepare a speech,' which reinforces the importance of self-awareness in making this shift.

When people feel empowered by 'get to,' their attitudes shift positively, which can spread to friends, family, and even wider communities.

In conclusion, changing 'have to' into 'get to' is a small but powerful way to change one's perspective, influence others, and improve the world around us.

Transcripts

foreign

I grew up with my grandparents

my dad died when I was five

it's really nice way to start a

successful speech right

but I grew up with them and they would

watch TV and the TV shows that they

would watch would be the TV shows that

they watched when they were young so my

10 year old self was watching shows that

they watched when they were not more

than 10. some of you might recognize the

name some of you may not that's okay but

like Leave it to Beaver I Love Lucy

these types of sort of comedic shows in

the 50s that had this this moral story

to kind of go along with it

and a lot of these shows they had

children that would have to do so they'd

have to clean their room they'd have to

do their homework they'd have to

apologize to the neighbor for breaking

the window with a baseball or whatever

it might be

and they would say to their mom or dad

or whoever in the god gee mom do I have

to do I have to apologize do I have to

clean my room Aji dad do I have to study

I would kind of like that aren't we

do I have to go to that 8 AM class

do I have to study chemistry

that I have to go to work

to have to wear pants

we were online for like two years right

so do I have to now do I have to do

these things

our brain

compartmentalizes just like a file on a

computer we create a document we put it

in the file like last year's taxes or

the taxes I've never done or whatever it

might be we create these files and these

files get bigger and it brain does that

a little bit as well so if you're on a

date

if you're out with family you're at this

nice restaurant and you knock over a

drink and it ends up all over the the

server and all over each other and you

go oh I'm so stupid

oh I'm so clumsy

your brain goes oh this is a stupid

clumsy moment I'm gonna put this in

these stupid clumsy file and it creates

a pathway that makes that file bigger

and bigger it's all the stupid and

clumsy moments that we have in our lives

and it sort of reminds us of all the

other times we were stupid or clumsy or

all the other times

we were told we were stupid or clumsy

and the have to is kind of the same way

I have to wake up early to go to class I

have to wake up early to teach or to get

the kids to school or whatever it might

be and it goes into all the other half

dues and what's the problem with half

twos

it's disempowering

it doesn't really feel like we have a

choice does it

so what if we could change that

word

not change the feeling because this

isn't about toxic positivity and

dismissing negative or unhealthy or bad

feelings if you've got a feeling feel it

sit with that energy anger or depression

or sadness or whatever it might be

that's okay

but we can still start thinking a little

bit differently about it and when we do

that eventually our feelings will follow

suit

so maybe

you don't have to study chemistry

you get

to study chemistry

maybe you don't have to go to that 9 A.M

meeting or 8 A.M meeting

you get

to go to that 8 am meeting

see we don't have to get married

I mean in some cultures Maybe

but one doesn't call up the parent and

go oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh I

have to get married

because oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh

I'm getting married

feels empowering we have more of a

choice when we get to do things as

opposed to when we have to do things we

get to have dinner with the in-laws we

get to wear pants

we get

to listen to our teenager

about their feelings

or about their struggles

and teenagers we get to listen to our

parents

when they talk to you about what it was

like when they were young when they were

your age

what if

we could take that little word from have

to

and turn it

get to

we get

to listen to one another

we listen to people all the time don't

we

we listened to teachers we listen to

podcasts we listen to music we listen to

our parents

supposedly

listen to your kids

but what if we get to give someone else

the feeling of being

heard

so when we leave here today and you have

the conversations about the event or

about school which is almost out and

some of you are graduating

you don't have to go out to eat and have

a conversation

you get to

and when you have that empowering

thought that doesn't just change you

that changes everyone

around you

Nicholas christakis who's a sociologist

he's determined and theorized actually

proven out that our influence extends to

three degrees

what does that mean

it means if I'm nice to Tina who's one

of the organizers of the event or

tinklin I don't know who's in the

audience right now all I see is lights

but if I'm nice to them

according to Nicholas christakis

they feel a little bit better about

themselves

but the way I treat them affects them

and their friends

so when you get to listen to your

teenager

maybe that affects your teenager's

ability to listen and to positively

affect your teenager's friend which can

in effect

affect your teenagers friends parents

Neighbors

or somebody else who may live in another

country

we are more influential than we think

and the beauty of that see can be good

news and bad news but the beauty of that

is that we can take that little word I

have to

and turn it into I get to

and I'll leave you with a final story I

had this Revelation I'm probably not the

first person to think of switching this

little word but I was really excited

when I thought about it six months ago I

thought oh this is speech material and

as a speaker I'm always looking for that

and I walked into my daughter

my daughter's room and she's in

University

and which means I rarely see her and I

popped my head into a room and I said

hey how's it going and she goes ah I

have to get up and go to work in the

morning she worked at a coffee shop and

I said you know

and then I gave her this Ted Talk that

you all just heard

and she looked at me we we think exactly

alike we are we could finish each

other's sentences we feel the same or

empathetic big picture details confuse

us so we think in pictures and creative

stories and all this and she looks at me

with wisdom and she thought oh my gosh

my dad is so smart she looks me dead in

the eye and says no thanks Dad I'm okay

and I said you know what that's

your choice to say whether I have to go

to work or I get to go to work just by

knowing the fact that you have that

choice gives you more empowerment over

your life so you're not just

letting life Lead You by the caller but

you're taking it and saying I'm gonna

choose to have to I'm gonna choose to be

angry about this and that's okay because

you're making that choice

now it's a little bit harder to do than

to say

because the other day I was chatting

with a friend and they said what are you

doing and I said well I'm having to

prepare a speech

and they responded and said isn't it

great you get to prepare for something

that you love to do and I went

and I scrolled up and went oh my gosh I

said I have to prepare a speech I'm

writing a speech about I have to prepare

a speech about how you shouldn't use I

have to but I get to

I had this existential crisis and said

you're now in my speech

so it is

to say when we are faced with that

moment where we feel like we don't have

a choice

to say I don't have to do this thing I

get to

and when you leave today you get to

extend conversations and relationships

and extend what's happening today into

success in your own life and watch it

spread from your own life

around to Three Degrees of Separation

which means in effect is some of the

students talked about today

that is a small But Mighty way all of us

can change the world

thank you