How to Build Your Well-Being to Thrive | Dr. Beth Cabrera | TEDxGeorgeMasonU
Summary
TLDRIn this heartfelt talk, the speaker recounts a pivotal moment when her young son injured his eye, highlighting the importance of community support. Living in a close-knit neighborhood in Madrid, she underscores the profound impact of social connections on personal well-being. Drawing from psychological studies, she emphasizes that our focus on relationships, positivity, and the present moment significantly influences our happiness and health. The speaker encourages intentional social engagement, acts of kindness, and mindfulness as strategies to enhance well-being.
Takeaways
- π Living in a close-knit community, like the neighborhood outside Madrid, Spain, can have a significant positive impact on well-being.
- π¨βπ©βπ§βπ¦ Strong relationships with neighbors can provide essential support, especially during emergencies, as illustrated by the story of Alex's injury.
- π€ Social connections are crucial for well-being, as evidenced by a Harvard study showing that socially connected individuals are happier, healthier, and live longer.
- π± The act of helping others and performing small acts of kindness can boost one's own well-being and happiness.
- π§ Our brains are wired to focus on the negative, but we can rewire them by intentionally focusing on positive aspects of life.
- π Practicing gratitude, such as writing down three good things each day, can help shift focus towards positive experiences.
- π« Complaining can be reduced by consciously redirecting attention to the aspects of life that bring joy and satisfaction.
- π§ββοΈ Mindfulness meditation can strengthen the ability to focus on the present moment, leading to reduced stress and increased well-being.
- ποΈββοΈ Engaging fully in the present moment, whether in work or leisure, can make experiences more enjoyable and fulfilling.
- β° The choices we make about where to focus our attention throughout the day can significantly influence our well-being, emphasizing the importance of intentionality.
Q & A
What incident involving the son, Alex, prompted the mother to seek immediate help from a neighbor?
-Alex, while watching TV, leaned forward and accidentally hit his eye on the corner of the coffee table, causing a deep cut that required stitches. The mother, without a car, rushed to a neighbor's house for help.
In which country did the family live in a close-knit community?
-The family lived in a close-knit community in Spain, outside of Madrid.
What was the significance of the community's layout in fostering connections among neighbors?
-The community consisted of eight townhouses with small yards opening onto a common yard and a pool, providing constant opportunities for interaction and connection among neighbors.
How did the author describe the impact of living in a close community on her well-being?
-The author found that the relationships with her neighbors had a positive impact on her well-being, especially as she was a stressed mother of young children and a university professor in a foreign country.
What is the key factor for well-being according to the research mentioned in the script?
-The key factor for well-being, as per the research, is relationships. Socially connected individuals tend to be happier, healthier, and live longer.
Why is it important to focus on the positive aspects of life for well-being?
-Focusing on the positive aspects of life generates positive emotions, which reduce stress and anxiety, increase resilience, and improve physical health, thereby boosting overall well-being.
What is the 'three good things' exercise mentioned in the script, and how does it help in enhancing well-being?
-The 'three good things' exercise involves writing down three positive events from the day before going to sleep. This practice directs attention towards the positive, strengthening neural circuits associated with positive experiences.
How does helping others impact one's happiness and health according to the script?
-Helping others activates the brain region associated with pleasure and has been shown to increase happiness. It also contributes to better health, as giving is linked to positive outcomes like emotional stability and lower anxiety.
What is the significance of mindfulness meditation in improving well-being as discussed in the script?
-Mindfulness meditation helps in improving well-being by strengthening the ability to focus on the present moment, which is linked to emotional stability, an enhanced immune system, and lower levels of anxiety and depression.
Why is it beneficial to do one thing at a time according to the script?
-Doing one thing at a time allows for full engagement and presence in the task, which enhances enjoyment and satisfaction. It also helps in reducing stress and improving focus, contributing to a richer and happier life experience.
What lesson does the author wish to convey about the importance of being present with loved ones?
-The author wishes to convey that being present with loved ones is crucial for creating cherished memories and experiences. She regrets not fully engaging with her children during their playtime and emphasizes the importance of focusing on the present moment with those we love.
Outlines
π Community and Well-being
The speaker recounts an incident where their young son, Alex, injured his eye and required immediate medical attention. In a moment of panic, a neighbor named Ramona provided assistance, highlighting the importance of community. The speaker reflects on living in a close-knit neighborhood in Madrid, Spain, where neighbors frequently interacted and supported each other, contributing to a sense of well-being. Despite occasional disagreements and disturbances, the community's positive impact on the speaker's life as a stressed mother and academic was significant. The speaker, a psychologist, emphasizes that well-being is influenced by our social connections, citing studies that show happier, healthier, and longer-living individuals are those with strong social bonds. The narrative suggests that focusing on relationships can greatly enhance one's well-being.
π€ Acts of Kindness and Their Impact
The narrative continues with examples of small acts of kindness within the community, such as helping neighbors with childcare, meals, and pet care, which not only assisted others but also increased the speaker's own sense of well-being. The speaker encourages finding opportunities to serve others, as these actions can be as simple as buying a friend coffee or helping a colleague. The speaker shares a personal anecdote of receiving help at a train station, which could have significantly impacted their travel plans, illustrating the power of small gestures. The speaker also discusses the benefits of allowing others to help you, giving them the 'gift of giving,' and how focusing on people and positive interactions can build well-being.
π Focusing on the Positive and Reducing Negativity
The speaker admits to having previously focused on negative aspects of life, such as work stress and personal grievances, which detracted from the enjoyment of community interactions. They explain how dwelling on negativity can lead to chronic stress and reduced well-being. The speaker suggests shifting focus to positive aspects of life, as positive emotions can reduce stress and improve physical health. They introduce the concept of 'neural rewiring,' where focusing on positive experiences strengthens related brain circuits, making it easier to notice the good in life. The speaker recommends practices like the 'three good things' exercise and using complaints as a cue to redirect focus to positive aspects. The narrative emphasizes the importance of training the brain to focus on positivity.
π§ββοΈ Mindfulness and Presence for Enhanced Well-being
The speaker discusses the detrimental effects of excessive worrying and rumination on well-being, suggesting that our internal dialogue can significantly impact happiness more than external circumstances. They propose mindfulness techniques, such as meditation and focusing on the present moment, to reduce stress and enhance well-being. The speaker shares personal regrets about not being fully present during moments with their children and encourages others to be mindful of their attention, engaging fully in experiences to enrich life. The speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of moment-to-moment choices in shaping well-being, urging listeners to focus on people, positivity, and the present to thrive.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Well-being
π‘Social Connection
π‘Community
π‘Focus
π‘Positivity
π‘Helping Others
π‘Negativity Bias
π‘Mindfulness
π‘Present Moment
π‘Worry
Highlights
A personal story of a child's accident and the importance of community support.
Description of a close-knit neighborhood in Madrid, Spain, and its impact on well-being.
The significance of social connections for happiness, health, and longevity according to a Harvard study.
The current state of social disconnection and its effects on well-being.
Practical advice on building social connections to enhance well-being.
The psychological benefits of helping others and its impact on happiness.
Examples of small acts of kindness that can improve one's well-being.
The importance of focusing on the positive to build well-being.
How dwelling on the negative can lead to chronic stress and its effects on well-being.
The concept of 'negativity bias' and its influence on our perception of well-being.
The brain's plasticity and how focusing on the positive can rewire it for happiness.
The 'three good things' exercise as a method to cultivate a positive focus.
The role of complaining as a trigger to redirect attention to positive aspects.
The impact of worrying on well-being and strategies to stay present.
Mindfulness meditation as a tool to enhance focus and well-being.
The value of being present in daily activities to improve happiness.
A final reflection on the importance of presence and connection in enhancing life's experiences.
Transcripts
one Saturday morning years ago our son
Alex who was about four years old at the
time was on the sofa watching TV he was
on his knees and at some point he leaned
forward put his hands on the coffee
table
I imagined Thomas the Tank Engine or Bob
the Builder was facing some dangerous
situation but there was a thin book on
the edge of the table and as he landed
the book slid off and Alex went down
with it hitting the corner of his eye on
the table he had a really deep cut and I
was pretty sure he needed stitches I
panicked for a moment my husband was out
of town and I didn't have a car because
it was being serviced but I ended up
racing out the back of our house with
Alex and our two-year-old daughter into
the first open door I saw I rushed in
and I said Ramona I need you to take
Emily and give me your car keys so I can
get Alex to the emergency room thank
goodness she was there to help at the
time we lived in a neighborhood outside
of Madrid Spain it was a community of
eight townhouses there were four on each
side with small yards that opened onto a
common yard in a pool now this provided
constant opportunities for connection we
would see our neighbors as we were
coming and going and share what we were
up to we would organize get-togethers
like potluck dinners in the summertime I
remember the most memorable one was
actually when when the sprinklers went
off in the middle of our dinner and you
should have seen us all scrambling to
save the food our children were always
in one of the neighbours houses or
sometimes just chilling in the yard now
I do have to admit that living in such
close proximity to others can have its
downsides we didn't always agree on what
needed to be done for the upkeep of the
yard or the pool the neighbors dog
barking right outside my bedroom window
on a Saturday morning did not make me
very happy
and I'm still not sure why Ramona
thought getting a rooster would be a
good idea but for the most part it was
wonderful I realize now the positive
impact living in such a closed community
had on my well-being as the mother
young children struggling to earn tenure
in a university in a foreign country I
was pretty stressed out a lot of the
time the relationships that I had with
with my neighbors really made all the
difference
as a psychologist several years ago I
became interested in the study of
well-being and what I've learned is that
much of our well-being is up to us it
depends on what we pay attention to what
we focus on and at each moment of the
day we have a choice about where to
focus so what should we be focusing on
well research shows that relationships
are the most important factor for our
well-being a well-known Harvard study of
adult development that tracked over 700
men for 75 years found that those who
were more socially connected were
happier healthier and live longer
another study showed that when you asked
somebody what gives their lives meaning
the overwhelming response is a
relationship people matter for our
well-being but we're less connected
socially than we ever have been we spend
less time with our family and friends
we're less likely to know our neighbors
and we belong to fewer organizations one
in three American adults forty five
years or older say that they're lonely
and in a survey that asked how many
people are there in your life with whom
you can discuss important matters the
overwhelming response was zero
most people said there's not a single
person in their lives who they feel
close enough to to share something
important with connecting with others
does take time and effort but your
well-being depends on it so be
intentional about connecting with people
schedule dinners with friends join book
clubs don't eat lunch alone at your desk
and the next time you move remember that
your happiness depends more on having
nice neighbors or friends nearby
does on the size of your house
connecting with others boosts your
well-being but helping people has an
even stronger impact giving is good for
your health and your happiness brain
scans show that when we think about
helping others the region of the brain
associated with pleasure is activated
and in studies where people are given
money and some are asked to spend it on
others and some are asked to spend it on
themselves the people who spend money on
others are happier now living so close
to our neighbors in Madrid provided lots
of opportunities for us to help one
another out like when Ramona watched
Emily and let me her car if Kristen had
to work late I'd make dinner for her
daughter Emma
when mati grew thin Jose were out of
town I'd water their plants and watch
their cat feed their cat there were
small things but it really made me feel
better to know that I was making a
difference there are countless
opportunities each day to do small acts
of kindness I still remember a few years
ago racing to catch a train in the San
Francisco metro station dragging my
suitcase behind me a man stopped me to
ask if I was heading to the airport and
when I said I was he said the train I
was about to board was not stopping at
the airport I needed to wait for the
next train it was such a small thing for
him to do but I probably would have
missed my flight if I had taken the
wrong train
look for ways that you can serve others
help someone out at work buy coffee for
a friend and the next time someone wants
to help you let them give them the gift
of giving at each moment in the day you
have a choice
builds your well-being by choosing to
focus on people now looking back at my
time in Spain I realize how fortunate I
was to live in such a tight-knit
community the happiness and opportunity
to serve others that that those
relationships provided really increased
my well-being but I did some things that
weren't so great for my well-being when
I was hanging out with my neighbors I'd
spent a lot of the time come
cleaning I would go over to roses at the
end of the long day to have a Konya
which is a small beer and some tapas and
as we watch the kids playing in the yard
I would talk about all the exams I had
to grade and how much I hated it
I would moan about the fact that my
daughter's COFF it kept me awake all
night long I'd complain that my husband
wasn't around enough to help me out with
the kids there was always something and
it was mostly negative you know I
thought sharing my frustrations would
make me feel better but dwelling on the
problems just brought negative emotions
to what should have been a wonderful
moment of connection I now know how much
happier I would have been if I had
focused on the positive
I could have noticed the bright yellow
daffodils that had just started to bloom
or commented on how nice it was that the
weather was finally warm enough for us
to sit outside I could have asked
roasted to tell me about that exciting
new project at work we all have a
natural tendency to dwell on the
negative our brains have a survival
instinct that keeps us constantly on the
lookout for problems or potential
threats but that can lead to chronic
stress that hurts our well-being when we
focus on what's good in our lives that
generates positive emotions and positive
emotions boost our well-being by
reducing stress and anxiety increasing
resilience and improving our physical
health
now our negativity bias makes it more
likely that we noticed the bad but we
have a choice about what we pay
attention to
we can choose to focus on the positive
research and neuroscience shows that our
brains change in response to our
experiences so when you focus on the
positive each time you do that the
neural circuits in your brain associated
with positive experiences fire together
and each time they fire together those
neural connections become stronger which
means they're more likely to fire
together in the future so by focusing on
the good you can rewire your brain so
that over time it naturally notices more
of what's good
you know the same thing happens in your
brain when you learn to play a musical
instrument or or a sport playing the
piano is a good example the first time
you try to play your brain has to work
really hard to read the notes and find
them on the keys and move your fingers
in the right order to the right notes
but each time you practice the neural
pathways in your brain associated with
reading the music and playing the notes
fire over and over again that makes it
eventually automatic so that eventually
you can play more and more difficult
music now a simple intervention for
focusing more on the positive is the
three good things exercise all you have
to do is write down three things that
went well
during the day before going to sleep at
night doing this exercise each night
pushes your brain to look for good
things throughout the day it helps
direct your attention toward the
positive something else you can do is to
use complaining as a reminder to
redirect your attention I mentioned how
much I hate grading exams I imagine most
professors would agree with me that it's
not the best part of our jobs but
focusing on how much I hated it just
made an unpleasant task even worse so
when I'd start to complain I'd tell
myself to stop and I'd shift my
attention to all the things I loved
about being a professor I'd make a
mental list of how much I enjoyed
teaching my classes discovering
something through my research
interacting with my colleagues and
students I had a choice about which
parts of my job to pay attention to so
do you at each moment you have a choice
build your well-being by choosing to
focus on the positive now something else
I did that hurt my well-being was to
spend so much of my time worrying just
as there was always something to
complain about well there was always
something to worry about
I can't tell you how creative I can be
in coming up with different ways that
things can go wrong
a simple plan to shop at IKEA the next
day can keep me awake at night I mean
DIY projects in
household can be a disaster but it turns
out that I'm not the only one who wastes
a lot of time worrying or ruminating
Harvard researchers found that on
average our brain our minds wander 47%
of the time that means about half of you
are not listening to what I'm saying
right now but what's more interesting is
the study showed that we're less happy
when our minds wander dwelling on bad
things that have happened in the past or
fretting about something that might go
wrong in the future is the source of
much of our unhappiness our internal
world can have a bigger impact on our
well-being than our external
circumstances but you can try to
minimize these stressful thoughts by
directing your attention away from
things like fear and regret and focusing
instead on the present moment ok now I
know what you're thinking stopping all
the worry and rumination is a lot easier
said than done believe me is one of the
world's biggest warriors I know the
first step is just to recognize that you
will be happier if you spend more time
focused on the present moment set an
intention to stay present and you will
start noticing when your mind has
wandered off or you've become distracted
by your phone and you can shift your
awareness back to the moment just like
focusing on the positive the more you
practice redirecting your attention the
more those neural circuits associated
with focused attention fire and the
stronger they become what you practice
grows stronger that's why the very best
way to strengthen your attention muscle
is through mindfulness meditation the
process of focusing your attention on
something like your breath and bringing
it back each time your mind wanders even
for a few minutes a day builds your
ability to stay focused and meditation
has other benefits too it's been linked
to emotional stability
an enhanced immune system and lower
levels of anxiety and depression
another way to stay present
is to do one thing at a time it's the
only way to really focus on something so
when you're talking to someone put away
your phone and really listen to what
they're saying if you're writing a
report turn off your email and social
media so that you can give it your
undivided attention and when you're
preparing dinner pay attention to the
process of cooking especially when
you're chopping something we enjoy even
mundane tasks more when we're truly
present our lives are richer and happier
when we fully engage in our experiences
at each moment you have a choice build
your well-being by focusing on the
present moment I'd like to end with one
more story in my of my time living in
the suburbs of Madrid on most days when
I got home from work I'd take the kids
to the park down the street they would
run off and play with their friends
while I sat on a bench my highlighter in
hand reading the latest article on
knowledge sharing or whatever subject I
happen to be researching at the time now
I did look up occasionally to make sure
that they were okay but that was it and
this is before we had smartphones if I
could do it over again I would take that
time to disconnect from work and enjoy
being with my children I'd push them in
the swing and I would cheer as they went
down the slide
I'd be present for those moments those
precious moments with the people I love
most dearly I'll never have those
moments back the choices you make moment
to moment throughout the day about what
you pay attention to impact your well
being choose to focus on people choose
to focus on the positive choose to focus
on the present moment and you will
thrive thank you
[Applause]
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