How MEN MESS UP new relationships: learning to tolerate insecurity

Summary

In this insightful talk, Dr. Orion Taraban explores the common issue of men inadvertently disrupting new relationships. Drawing on developmental psychology, Taraban explains the 'reproachment stage' in toddlers as a parallel to the early stages of courtship, highlighting the importance of allowing for periods of separation and uncertainty. He advises men to tolerate their own distress when not in contact with a woman, trusting the process rather than rushing to secure commitment or reassurance. This approach, he suggests, fosters the necessary conditions for a woman to miss and wonder about a man, motivating her to seek further interaction and ultimately strengthening the relationship.

Takeaways

• 📚 Men often prematurely end promising relationships due to misunderstanding the early stages of courtship.
• 🌱 Developmental psychologist Margaret Mahler's 'reproachment stage' explains the balance between independence and security-seeking in toddlers, which parallels early relationship dynamics.
• 🔄 The reproachment stage involves a back-and-forth dynamic of exploration and returning to a secure base, akin to the early phases of a relationship.
• 🚫 Men may disrupt this natural rhythm by either rushing commitment or decreasing the time between interactions, which can be detrimental to the relationship.
• 💔 Most women desire commitment but want to feel they are choosing to enter a relationship rather than feeling trapped.
• 🤔 Men should tolerate their own distress when a woman is not in contact and trust the process of the relationship's natural ebb and flow.
• 🌟 Anxiety and uncertainty in a relationship can be beneficial as they motivate the woman to seek reassurance and confirmation, leading to further interaction.
• 💬 Men should avoid expressing their feelings too soon, as it removes the uncertainty that drives a woman to seek clarity and re-establish contact.
• 🔄 The separation and the resulting uncertainty create the conditions necessary for a meaningful reunion in a relationship.
• 💌 After intimate moments, a woman should experience a moment of doubt, wondering about the nature of the encounter, which can lead to further engagement.
• 📈 Patience and allowing the natural progression of emotions and interactions are key to navigating the early stages of a relationship successfully.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk?

The main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk is how men often mess up new relationships and what they can do to avoid the premature termination of promising relationships.

What is the reproachment stage as described by Margaret Mahler?

The reproachment stage, as described by developmental psychologist Margaret Mahler, is a phase that all children go through between 18 months and 2.5 years of age. During this stage, toddlers explore their environment while periodically returning to their caregiver for reassurance and security.

How does the early courtship process in adults relate to the reproachment stage?

The early courtship process in adults relates to the reproachment stage in that it involves alternating periods of togetherness and separateness, similar to how toddlers explore and return to their caregiver for reassurance.

What common mistakes do men make during the early stages of a relationship?

Men often make the mistake of trying to collapse the natural rhythm of interaction in a new relationship, either by pressuring the woman for a quick commitment or by reducing the time between interactions, which can jeopardize the budding relationship.

Why is it important for men to tolerate their own distress in a new relationship?

It is important for men to tolerate their own distress because this allows the relationship to develop naturally, giving the woman the space to miss them and wonder about their feelings, which can motivate her to seek further interaction and clarification.

What should men avoid doing in the early stages of dating?

Men should avoid expressing their feelings too soon or providing reassurance without actual interaction, as this can eliminate the uncertainty and motivation for the woman to seek further contact and clarification of the relationship's status.

How does the feeling of uncertainty benefit the courtship process?

Uncertainty and instability can be beneficial in the courtship process because they create an emotional motivation for the woman to return and seek clarification, thus fostering further interaction and development of the relationship.

What is the significance of giving people the 'gift of your absence'?

Giving people the 'gift of your absence' is significant because it creates the necessary conditions for a reunion. It allows the other person to miss you and wonder about your feelings, which can motivate them to initiate contact and interaction.

Why should men not rush to provide reassurance to the woman they are dating?

Men should not rush to provide reassurance because doing so can make the act of reunion unnecessary and redundant. It reduces the opportunity for the woman to feel uncertain and motivated to seek clarification, which is essential for the natural progression of the relationship.

What advice does Dr. Orion Taraban give to men who are unsure about how to handle the early stages of a relationship?

Dr. Orion Taraban advises men to trust the process, tolerate their own distress, and give the woman the space to miss them and wonder about their feelings. He suggests that men should avoid rushing to provide reassurance or clarity, allowing the natural dynamics of the relationship to unfold.

Outlines

00:00

👨‍🏫 Understanding Men's Early Relationship Fumbles

Dr. Orion Taraban discusses the common issue of men messing up new relationships in their early stages. He explains this through the lens of developmental psychology, referencing Margaret Mahler's 'reproachment stage' where toddlers explore independence while still needing reassurance from their parents. Taraban compares this to courtship, where men often disrupt the natural rhythm of togetherness and separateness, either by rushing commitment or decreasing the time between interactions, which can jeopardize the relationship. He advises men to tolerate the distress of a woman's absence and trust the process, allowing her to return in her own time, emphasizing the importance of not rushing emotional reassurance.

05:01

💔 The Role of Uncertainty in Courtship

In the second paragraph, Dr. Taraban elaborates on the importance of uncertainty and anxiety in the early stages of dating. He suggests that these feelings motivate women to return to men for reassurance, just as a child seeks out its mother. He advises men not to rush into expressing their feelings, as this removes the need for a woman to seek reassurance, which is a crucial part of the courtship process. By allowing women to miss them and wonder about their intentions, men create the conditions for further interaction. Taraban emphasizes that men should not try to reduce uncertainty too quickly, as this can hinder the development of the relationship.

Keywords

💡Developmental Psychology

Developmental psychology is the study of human development across the lifespan, focusing on cognitive, emotional, and social changes. In the video, it is used to explain the concept of the 'reproachment stage' in toddlers, which is analogous to the early stages of courtship in adults. The speaker uses this concept to illustrate how men can understand the dynamics of new relationships and the importance of allowing space for growth and reassurance.

💡Reproachment Stage

The reproachment stage, as described by psychologist Margaret Mahler, is a phase in a toddler's development between 18 months and 2.5 years where they explore their independence while still seeking reassurance from their primary caregiver. In the context of the video, this stage is used as a metaphor for how men can navigate the early stages of a relationship, emphasizing the importance of balance between independence and togetherness.

💡Object Permanence

Object permanence is the cognitive understanding that objects continue to exist even when they are out of sight. In the video, it is mentioned to highlight the cognitive development of toddlers during the reproachment stage. This concept is extended to relationships, where men are advised to understand that their partners continue to exist and have their own lives outside of the relationship.

💡Courtship Process

The courtship process refers to the stages and behaviors involved in forming a romantic relationship. In the video, it is discussed in the context of how men often mishandle this process by either rushing commitments or reducing the necessary uncertainty that can lead to deeper connection. The speaker advises men to allow the natural ebb and flow of togetherness and separateness to foster a healthy relationship.

💡Commitment

Commitment in a relationship refers to the decision to pursue a long-term, exclusive partnership with another person. The video emphasizes that while most women desire commitment, they prefer to enter into it willingly rather than feeling pressured or trapped. Men are advised to avoid rushing the commitment process to maintain a healthy dynamic.

💡Emotional Attachment

Emotional attachment refers to the strong feelings of affection and connection that develop between individuals in a relationship. The video suggests that men should avoid becoming too emotionally attached too quickly, as it can lead to an unhealthy dependence and can disrupt the natural progression of a relationship. Instead, men are encouraged to trust the process and allow the relationship to develop at its own pace.

💡Separation and Reunion

Separation and reunion refer to the natural cycle of being apart from and then coming back together in a relationship. The video uses this concept to explain that the uncertainty and anxiety caused by periods of separation can actually strengthen the bond between partners, as it creates a desire to reunite and resolve the feelings of insecurity.

💡Anxiety and Uncertainty

Anxiety and uncertainty in the context of the video refer to the feelings of unease and doubt that can arise in the early stages of a relationship. These emotions are presented as natural and even beneficial, as they can motivate individuals to seek reassurance and deepen their connection. However, the video cautions against men alleviating these feelings too quickly, which can hinder the development of the relationship.

💡Texting and Communication

Texting and communication in relationships refer to the ways in which individuals stay in touch and express their feelings. The video advises against men from communicating too much too soon, as it can provide reassurance without the need for interaction, thus eliminating the motivation for the woman to seek out contact and reassurance.

💡Emotional Motivation

Emotional motivation refers to the internal drive that prompts individuals to take action based on their feelings. In the video, it is suggested that creating a sense of wonder and uncertainty can be a powerful motivator for women to seek further interaction and clarification, thus deepening the relationship.

💡Channel Growth and Support

Channel growth and support refer to the strategies used to increase the audience and financial backing of a content platform, such as a YouTube channel. In the video, the speaker encourages viewers to share the episode with others and consider financial contributions to support the production of future content.

Highlights

The discussion focuses on the common issue of how men can inadvertently disrupt new relationships.

Developmental psychologist Margaret Mahler's concept of the 'reproachment stage' is introduced as a framework for understanding early relationship dynamics.

The reproachment stage occurs between 18 months to 2.5 years of age, where toddlers explore their environment while seeking reassurance from their parents.

Men often try to collapse the natural rhythm of early relationship interactions, which can lead to premature termination of a promising relationship.

Men should allow for periods of separateness in a relationship, mirroring the toddler's need for exploration and reassurance.

Women typically seek committed relationships but prefer to enter them willingly rather than feeling trapped.

Men should tolerate their own distress when a woman is not in contact, trusting the process and giving her space to miss them.

Anxiety and uncertainty in a relationship can be beneficial as they motivate the woman to seek reassurance and confirm the man's feelings.

Men should avoid expressing their feelings too soon, as it eliminates the need for the woman to seek reassurance and confirmation.

The separation and uncertainty in a relationship create the conditions necessary for a reunion and further interaction.

After a first intimate encounter, a woman should experience a moment of uncertainty, wondering about the man's intentions.

Men often try to reduce uncertainty too quickly, which can hinder the natural progression and emotional motivation for further interaction.

The analogy of the child's relationship with its mother is used to illustrate the importance of allowing space for growth and independence in adult relationships.

The speaker suggests that men should trust the process and not worry too much about the phases of a relationship.

The episode encourages men to allow for the natural ebb and flow of a relationship, rather than trying to control or rush it.

The speaker invites listeners to share their thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

The episode concludes with a call to action for listeners to like, subscribe, and consider becoming a channel member for additional perks.

Transcripts

I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is psycax

Better Living Through psychology and the

topic of today's short talk is how men

mess up new relationships this issue I'm

about to discuss is very common in this

episode I'll discuss what this issue is

why it's a problem and what you the male

viewer can do instead so you don't have

to go through the premature termination

of a promising relationship let's get to

it

to understand how men fumble in the

early stages of the courtship process we

have to take a quick detour into the

field of developmental psychology

in the early 20th century developmental

psychologist Margaret Mahler described a

phase that all children go through

called the reproachment stage this

occurs between a year and a half and two

and a half years of age the toddler is

up and walking and is curious about its

environment the world is fascinating

everything is new and it wants to

explore to learn to grow to mature

that's the organic propensity of life

that said the child only recently

learned it's a separate entity from its

mother does not yet possess the

psychological concept of object

permanence and is very small and

vulnerable this is a tricky situation to

be in

so what toddlers basically do is they

run off to explore say the backyard or

different corners of the house in order

to satisfy that need for expansion and

growth but once they lose sight of mommy

once they're out of earshot they start

to feel insecure

they start to feel a little afraid does

mommy still exist did she forget about

me

and what they do is they run back to

Mommy not because they really want to

like spend time with her but because

they want to make sure that Mommy is

still there

and this is why Mahler talked about how

it's really important in this stage for

parents to be a secure base for their

children like Mommy needs to be home

base so that the child can come back for

reassurance and encouragement when it is

feeling uncertain and insecure and once

it's reassured it runs off and gets back

to exploring

so the reproach them all stage is a is

characterized by a lot of back and forth

I'm running away and now I'm running

back I'm running away and now I'm

running back

and this stage kind of approximates the

early courtship process alternating

periods of togetherness and separateness

and where guys mess up at this stage of

the process is that for whatever reason

maybe they can't tolerate the distress

of the woman's absence maybe they're

impatient for another sexual encounter

for whatever reason

guys try to collapse this appropriate

rhythm of interaction one way or another

that is either they try to get her to

stop exploring to secure a commitment

quickly and before she's ready or they

try to call her back sooner to decrease

the periods between subsequent

interactions

and doing either one of these things is

going to jeopardize the burgeoning

relationship

now most women want commitment that is

most women want committed relationships

from the men they want to have those

relationships with but they kind of want

to trap themselves in that relationship

as opposed to feeling like they're being

trapped by the men that they're dating

and let me tell you if a mother isn't

comfortable for whatever reason with the

child running off and spending time

without her and tries to call the child

back before the child is ready to return

and that mother is going to be met with

indifference or willfulness or

frustration

as hard as it may be the mother has to

tolerate her own distress in the face of

the growing Independence of the child

and Trust the child will come back in

its own time

and if the mother tries to accelerate

that moment through her own insecurity

or impatience she's going to pass

through a difficult time

by analogy men you have to tolerate

whatever distress or discomfort comes up

in you when you haven't heard from a

woman in a certain amount of time

trust the process and have confidence

that she will return in her own time and

if you need more help with this check

out my episode How to Love Without

emotional attachment

now before I go any further if you're

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your support

now let me talk about a distinct but

related way in which men snatch defeat

from the jaws of success in the first

weeks or months of dating

remember when I described the reproach

them all stage I noted that it's when

the child hasn't seen mommy in a while

that it starts to feel anxious and

insecure

and it's these emotions that motivate

the child to go back to make sure mommy

is still there

the important thing to appreciate here

is that if the child didn't feel anxious

or insecure the child wouldn't go

running back to Mommy

so what does this mean with respect to

the courtship process men what it means

is that though it's weird to say the

anxiety the uncertainty the instability

these things are your friends

because it's these things like in the

case of the child that are going to

motivate the woman to return

for her to come back she kind of has to

miss you to wonder about you and to

question whether you're still going to

be there

and she can't miss you or wonder about

you if a you don't allow her the time

and space to miss you and B if you don't

allow her to wonder about you because

you've already confessed your feelings

for her

as I've mentioned before it's important

to give people the gift of your absence

because it's your absence that creates

the necessary conditions for a reunion

you can't reunite with someone who never

leaves or who is not allowed to leave

women like children in the reposia mall

stage need to be allowed to come back in

their own time seriously don't worry

about it if you play your cards right

you'll miss this phase of the

relationship before too long

and part of that longing for your

presence should be a sense of wonder a

hint of uncertainty

men mess this up all the time they try

to reduce that uncertainty as much as

possible as quickly as possible they

text I had a great time last night I

really like you I can't wait to see you

again like good work dude

um it might be nice for a woman to hear

those things in the moment that she

hears them but what they functionally do

is they provide her reassurance without

actually interacting with you

remember when the child is feeling

insecure it actually had to run back to

Mommy for that reassurance and here you

are providing the reassurance without

the interaction and by doing so you make

the internet action unnecessary and

redundant wow good job there is no need

for her to come back to you to confirm

how you feel as you've already made that

abundantly clear the reunion is made

necessary by the separation and the

uncertainty don't mess with them

ideally and this is especially true in

the early stages of the courtship

process the woman should feel unsure

about how you feel about her

this creates the necessary conditions

for further interaction to resolve that

uncertainty like after you first sleep

with a woman she should pass through a

moment where she begins to wonder

whether that was just a one-night stand

she should think oh that's strange I

usually hear from a man by now

was he just using me for sex was that

just a hookup I thought he liked me the

date went really well huh

this is a good place for a woman to be

because it creates the emotional

motivation for her to come back to

resolve her uncertainties

and before I get any Flack for this

suggestion just consider that the

alternative is trying to get women to

come back before they're ready to do so

and we all know how well that goes

what do you think does this fit with

your own experience let me know in the

comments below and if you've gotten this

far you might as well like this episode

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thank you for listening