Love Advice from a Zen Priest! (No, Seriously!!)

Summary

In this reflective video, the speaker shares his journey through love and relationships, starting with his Hollywood days and the influence of 'Jerry Maguire.' He discusses the flawed cultural belief that partners should 'complete' us, drawing from his own challenging relationship as a Zen Buddhist monk. This relationship, fraught with conflict, taught him the futility of trying to change others and the importance of self-completion. After a period of celibacy, he found love again without expectations, realizing partners are gifts in our lives, not solutions. He emphasizes that relationships are practice opportunities, and it's our responsibility to be complete, not to expect fulfillment from others.

Takeaways

• 🏡 The speaker is visiting a small village in Croatia, where his girlfriend's parents live, and is alone for a while as she is in town.
• 💔 Reflecting on a friend's breakup, the speaker discusses the concept of love and how it's portrayed in popular culture, referencing the film 'Jerry Maguire'.
• 🎬 The speaker reminisces about his time in Hollywood in the late 90s, where he read numerous screenplays, including 'Jerry Maguire', which influenced his thoughts on love.
• 🤔 He critiques the idea that a partner should 'complete' a person, suggesting that this expectation can lead to an unhealthy dynamic in relationships.
• 🧘‍♂️ As a Zen Buddhist monk, the speaker found that his relationship with a fellow nun became a significant practice opportunity, teaching him about ego and expectations.
• 🚫 He shares a personal experience where he realized his relationship with the nun was not working, highlighting the difficulty of maintaining a relationship with constant conflict.
• 🔄 The speaker emphasizes that people cannot change others and must accept them as they are, which was a hard lesson learned from his relationship with the nun.
• 💔 The relationship with the nun was so challenging that it led to the speaker leaving the monastery and reevaluating his approach to relationships.
• 🌟 After a period of celibacy, the speaker met his current girlfriend, with whom he enjoys a harmonious relationship, free from the expectations that plagued his past relationships.
• 💬 He concludes that relationships should not be about fulfilling one's own needs but about the mutual exchange of love and companionship without the burden of expectations.

Q & A

Where is Venezia located and what is its significance to the speaker?

Venezia is a small village outside of Varaždin, which is the former capital of Croatia. It is significant to the speaker because his girlfriend's parents live there, and he is visiting their summer house.

What is the speaker's profession or background?

The speaker has a background in Hollywood, having worked there during the late 90s, which he refers to as one of the last Golden Ages of film.

Why does the speaker mention the movie 'Jerry Maguire' in the script?

The speaker mentions 'Jerry Maguire' to illustrate the cultural paradigm of love where one partner is expected to complete the other, as exemplified by Tom Cruise's character in the film.

What is the main issue the speaker has with the way love is portrayed in modern culture?

The speaker believes that modern culture places too much responsibility on partners to make individuals happy, which can lead to conflict when expectations are not met.

Why did the speaker become a Zen Buddhist monk?

The script does not explicitly state why the speaker became a Zen Buddhist monk, but it suggests that he was seeking a way to practice letting go and dissolving his ego.

What was the turning point for the speaker in his relationship with the fellow nun?

The turning point was when they were arguing while making love, which made the speaker realize that no amount of pleasure was worth the pain the relationship was causing.

What lesson did the speaker learn from his difficult relationship with the nun?

The speaker learned that he cannot change people and that they have a right to be who they are, even if it conflicts with his expectations or desires.

How did the speaker's perspective on relationships change after his experience with the nun?

After the difficult relationship, the speaker's expectations about romantic partners were significantly reduced, and he began to view a partner as a gift rather than someone who should complete him.

What is the speaker's current relationship status, and how does it reflect his changed perspective on love?

The speaker is currently in a harmonious relationship with his girlfriend, which has lasted almost six years. This relationship reflects his changed perspective as he no longer expects his partner to complete him but instead appreciates her presence and the mutual sharing of life.

What advice does the speaker offer about managing expectations in relationships?

The speaker advises that it is not a partner's job to fulfill us; rather, it is our responsibility to manage our own lives, and a partner's role is to offer the gift of their presence and love.

Outlines

00:00

🌍 Exploring Love and Personal Growth in Venezia

The speaker begins by introducing the setting in Venezia, a small village near Varazdin, Croatia, where they are visiting their girlfriend's parents. With time on their hands, they decide to discuss the topic of love, drawing from their own experiences and cultural observations. They recount their time in Hollywood during the late 90s, where they were exposed to various screenplays, including 'Jerry Maguire.' The speaker critiques the common cultural narrative that one needs a partner to be complete, arguing instead that such an expectation places undue pressure on relationships. They share a personal anecdote about a relationship with a fellow nun while they were a Zen Buddhist monk, highlighting the challenges and the lessons learned about not expecting a partner to complete one's happiness.

05:02

💔 The Struggle of Co-Dependency in a Difficult Relationship

In this paragraph, the speaker delves deeper into the difficulties of their relationship with the nun, emphasizing the constant conflict and the emotional toll it took on both parties. They describe a pivotal moment of realization that led to the decision to end the physical aspect of the relationship, despite the necessity to continue living and working closely together due to their shared responsibilities. The speaker reflects on the inability to change others and the importance of accepting people as they are, even when it leads to conflict. They also touch upon the intense nature of their dynamic, which ultimately influenced their decision to leave the monastery and reevaluate their approach to relationships.

10:06

🧘‍♂️ Zen Lessons on Letting Go and Self-Reflection

The speaker continues by discussing the introspective journey they underwent after their challenging relationship. They highlight the stubborn and selfish aspects of their personality that were brought to the forefront during the relationship and how the experience forced them to confront these traits. The narrative emphasizes the Zen practice of being present and avoiding the trap of self-indulgent thoughts. They recount a moment of clarity where they recognized their desire for companionship and intimacy, but with a new understanding that a partner should not be expected to fulfill or complete them. This realization marked a significant shift in their perspective on relationships and personal growth.

15:07

💑 Embracing Present Moments and Gratitude in Current Relationship

In the final paragraph, the speaker shares their newfound appreciation for their current relationship, which came after a period of reflection and letting go of expectations. They describe meeting their current girlfriend at a time when societal and personal pressures for being in a relationship had lessened, allowing them to approach the relationship with a sense of gratitude and without the burden of needing to be completed. The speaker emphasizes the importance of viewing a partner as a gift, whose presence enriches one's life, rather than as a means to fulfill personal deficiencies. They conclude by inviting viewers to engage with the content, subscribe, and support the channel, and they express their intention to enjoy the present moment with their girlfriend through a hike.

Keywords

💡Venezia

Venezia refers to a small village outside of Varaždin, which is the former capital of Croatia. In the video, the speaker is visiting this location as it is where his girlfriend's parents live. Venezia sets the scene for the video, providing context for the speaker's current situation and the personal reflections that follow.

💡Breakup

A breakup is the end of a romantic relationship. The video script mentions a friend going through a bad breakup, which prompts the speaker to reflect on the concept of love. This keyword is central to the theme of the video as it leads to a deeper discussion about love, relationships, and personal growth.

💡Hollywood

Hollywood is a place synonymous with the American film industry. The speaker references working in Hollywood during the late 90s, a time he describes as one of the last 'Golden Ages' of film. This keyword is used to establish the speaker's background and to introduce the story of reading the screenplay for 'Jerry Maguire', which becomes a metaphor for the discussion on love.

💡Jerry Maguire

Jerry Maguire is a 1996 American romantic comedy-drama film. The speaker recounts reading the screenplay and being particularly moved by the monologue delivered by Tom Cruise's character. This film and its famous line 'You complete me' are used to critique the cultural narrative that a partner is necessary to make one whole, a concept the speaker disagrees with.

💡Zen Buddhism

Zen Buddhism is a school of Buddhism that emphasizes meditation and living in the present moment. The speaker discusses being a Zen Buddhist monk and how the practices of Zen informed his views on relationships and personal growth. This keyword is integral to the video's message, as it provides a philosophical framework for understanding the speaker's experiences and insights.

💡Ego

Ego refers to a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance. In the context of the video, the speaker discusses the need to dissolve one's ego, particularly in the context of relationships. He shares how a difficult relationship with a fellow nun forced him to confront his ego and the realization that he could not change her, leading to personal growth.

💡Conflict

Conflict is a struggle between opposing forces or ideas. The video describes the intense conflicts the speaker had with a fellow nun, which ultimately led to the end of their romantic relationship. This keyword is used to illustrate the challenges and hardships that can arise in relationships and how they can serve as opportunities for personal development.

💡Practice Opportunity

In the context of the video, a practice opportunity refers to a situation that allows for personal growth and learning, often through facing and overcoming challenges. The speaker uses this term to describe his difficult relationship with the nun, which, despite its hardships, provided him with a chance to confront his own shortcomings and to learn about himself.

💡Harmony

Harmony refers to a state of agreement or concord. The speaker contrasts his past difficult relationship with his current one, where he experiences harmony with his girlfriend. This keyword is used to illustrate the positive potential of relationships when they are not based on the expectation of one person completing the other.

💡Expectations

Expectations are beliefs about what will or should happen. The video discusses how the speaker's expectations for his relationships, particularly the idea that a partner should complete him, led to disappointment and conflict. He reflects on how letting go of these expectations allowed him to enter into a healthier and more harmonious relationship.

💡Self-Responsibility

Self-responsibility is the concept of being accountable for one's own life and well-being. The speaker emphasizes that each individual is responsible for their own happiness and should not rely on a partner to complete them. This keyword is central to the video's message, advocating for personal growth and self-sufficiency in relationships.

Highlights

Introduction to Venezia, a small village outside of Varaždin, Croatia, and the setting of the video.

Discussion on the concept of love, inspired by a friend's bad breakup.

Reflection on the author's past in Hollywood and the impact of reading screenplays like 'Jerry Maguire'.

Critique of the romantic notion that a partner is needed to complete oneself.

Personal account of a relationship with a fellow nun and the challenges it presented.

Realization that partners are not meant to complete us, but rather to share life with.

The struggle of being in a relationship that became a 'living hell' and the lessons learned.

Insight on the inability to change people and the importance of accepting them as they are.

The intense conflict and the 'nuclear apocalypse of the Roses' analogy describing the relationship dynamic.

The effect of a difficult relationship on personal growth and the practice of Zen Buddhism.

The moment of clarity that led to the end of the relationship with the fellow nun.

The importance of self-reflection and recognizing one's own expectations in a relationship.

The transformation from a relationship that was a 'gift' to one of deep connection and mutual respect.

The idea that every relationship is a practice opportunity and not a means for personal fulfillment.

The author's current relationship as an example of a healthy, non-codependent partnership.

Encouragement for viewers to support the channel through likes, subscriptions, and donations.

Conclusion and预告 of the next video, which will involve a hike with the author's girlfriend.

Transcripts

greetings friends welcome to Venezia

which is a small village outside of

varajdin the former capital of Croatia

which is where my girlfriend's parents

live so we're here at this summer house

so I'm here alone today my girlfriend is

in town like getting her hair done it's

gonna be a while we got some time to

make a video today A friend of mine is

going through a bad breakup and it's got

me thinking about love so today we're

going to talk about love long time ago

in the Anthony deluvian days back in the

before time I worked in Hollywood at

like one of I think the last Golden Ages

of film it was like in the late 90s when

you had your fight club and you had your

Being John Malkovich and you had your

six sense you had a lot of really great

movies back then but that's not the

point the point is this I read every

screenplay that was out there I had a

friend he was like a copy machine troll

that lived in the bowels of the MGM

complex and I would go down there and he

would say oh man you guys see this new

script I have check it out because he

got everything down there every script

that was in production every great

amazing script that Noah would make

because it was too daring all that stuff

this man had in his hands so one day he

goes oh I got Cameron Crowe's new script

it's called Uh Jerry Maguire so I sat

down and I read it and I loved it it was

good good dramatic comedy but I remember

coming to the end of that screenplay and

that long monologue that Tom Cruise

gives right and how does that monologue

end when he's

pouring out his love for Renee zweliger

who's just kind of standing there like

absorbing his love is this going to work

is this not going to work because that's

the Paradigm right the guy like like

explodes with this emotion this net of

of like emotional love that he's

supposed to capture the woman with so

Tom Cruise is unfurling his net of

emotional love to catch Renee zweliger

and he claps this monologue off with the

classic phrase

what is it you complete me so this is

how our highly secular culture with its

religion of personal love thinks about

relationships you need a partner to be

complete you're taught to believe that

if you don't have somebody you're

missing something look don't get me

wrong I'm reading Colleen Hoover right

now it ends with us I like romantic love

as much as the next guy or gal but the

problem that I have with the way that

our culture teaches us how to love is

that it puts a ton of responsibility

on our partners to make us happy and

because of this when you're in a

relationship and you're not happy it

becomes really easy to project all of

the things you don't like about your

life onto your poor partner partners are

not supposed to complete us that's not

their job so one of the great things

about being a Zen Buddhist monk is that

anything that you do at the monastery

can be your Zen practice it's an

opportunity for you to

find a way

to let go to dissolve your your ego well

when I was a monk I got into a

relationship with a fellow nun and that

relationship became a very big practice

opportunity believe you me so not only

did this nun not complete me she made my

life or so I thought at the time she

made it a living hell actually I

remember the moment that I knew this

wasn't gonna work and

we were at our sister Zen Center and we

were making love right and she I'm gonna

get graphic now she was on top of me and

we were in colitis and arguing at the

same time we were just so used to being

in conflict with each other that no

matter the context even if it was the

act of physical love we were gonna fight

and I remember in that moment I remember

in that moment

feeling how un unhappy she was feeling

how she was hurting

as we were arguing

and I remember thinking

there's no amount of of pleasure

that is worth the pain that this

relationship is putting us through and I

decided then and there we were I was

never going to be with her physically

again that this was the end of the

relationship and and it was sort of the

end of the relationship we never did

hook up again but we we had a joint

responsibility as none and Monk and so

we had to stay together in essence and

work really closely together for like

another good God it was like three years

so you need to think about this for a

second like imagine you got an X right

and you finally decide it's over it

ain't over you gotta live with them now

like in the same house under the same

roof and you've got to take care of a

Dying old man together that was our

mutual responsibility we had to take

care of of my teacher so I learned

something through this experience one

thing I learned was that

you cannot change people you cannot

change them no matter how

write your vision for who they should be

and how they should behave is you just

can't change people and more to the

point they have a right to be who they

are to make all the mistakes they're

making in your eyes and to live their

life and to move along their path

through life as they are like they have

every right to and if you hold on to

your idea that that person owes you

something because they're your partner

or your spouse or just because you're

close to them or you're intimate with

them or because you subconsciously or

consciously bought into the idea that

this person can complete you like if you

feel like they owe you something in in

any way shape or form

you're you're gonna run into conflict in

the relationship and she and I ran into

conflict over and over and over because

we had these we had these

opposing points of view opposing

personalities everything about us was

opposite and yet we were thrown together

to with this responsibility of taking

care of my teacher and as he got older

and as our community began to experience

some like real trials and her point of

view came in Conflict against my point

of view about how to move our community

forward through these trials and they

were like real Stakes things got

incredibly intense and she would be

screaming at me and crying and I would

be filled with with all it almost a

cartoonish level of of

rage and upsetness and her too so that

we became almost a parody of like the

unhappy couple it wasn't it wasn't War

of the Roses it was like nuclear

Apocalypse of the Roses in that tiny

little apartment where she and I had to

take care of our teacher together it was

interesting the effect that this Dynamic

over a really prolonged period of time

had on me

um I can't speak for her uh maybe she'll

do so in the comment section I doubt it

I don't think she watches this channel

but anyways um I by the way I hold no I

hold no bad feelings toward her now it's

interesting but um the effect that this

intense difficult relationship had

over time on me was that it just

completely wore me down I mean it really

was the ultimate practice opportunity it

just

this I I guess I had and I have probably

still have something in me that's that's

really really deeply stubborn and

anti-social and selfish and I know that

little demon was with me in every

relationship that I was ever in in my

life but this practice opportunity was

made it such that I was trapped in a

room alone with this woman from for for

for for years really as we took care of

our teacher and I had to face this part

of myself now if I had been

like in a normal situation like where

this was a girlfriend out in the real

world we would have broken up and I

would have gone on to the next

relationship and I would have brought

all those that little demon right with

me and I would have replayed it in an

entirely new setting because that's what

we do we get a new face in a new

apartment with a new life and we make

the same old mistakes but I was

fortunate that I couldn't do that and

I finally I just realized at one point I

can't win this argument with her I'll

never win this argument with her my my

my ex-girlfriend and I was just utterly

beaten

destroyed was like scorched Earth there

was like nothing left by the time I was

finally able to just get out of that

situation and actually leave the

monastery many ways be in I mean it was

kind of like

she was the reason in many ways I

actually wound up leaving my whole life

as a monk it was that intense and when

you suffer that deeply in a relationship

like you really start asking yourself

questions you know and it's like how did

I get in that because you don't get in a

relationship like that and stay in a

relationship like that and be in a

relationship like that that is that

unhappy that intensely unhappy for that

long a period of time without with with

like without

something being a little bit wrong with

you and I got to look at what that

something was and that something was

expectations

expectations for how people should be

and how they should live and how they

should treat me when we're in a

relationship and we're close together

and we're working together and

ultimately how it's their job to

complete me in a certain way that's my

expectation but she not only didn't

completely she destroyed me and

basically kicked my ass out of the

monastery I took a prolonged absence

from the dating world and my sex life

was put on pause for a really long time

after that relationship I was just

stunned I was sort of

shocked into celibacy for

[Music]

after that relationship

and then one day I was packing my bags

to go to a Buddhist conference somewhere

and I caught myself talking to myself

and I remember thinking

you know as a Zen monk you don't get

trapped in your head that's how you

produce suffering in yourself and how

you enact suffering in the world you do

what you're doing instead of thinking

and getting lost in fantasy it's it's

like Central to Zen practice

so my job then was just to pick up my

socks and put them in my suitcase and so

I did that in my room as I was alone and

I made myself do my practice

which is being in the moment packing my

bags instead of thinking in my head and

then

a

a little voice you could call it or an

Insight arose inside me and it said yes

you can sit here and pack your bags in

the Zen way

but I want a person to talk to and share

my life with and be intimate with

I want

I would like a partner and what does

that mean having a partner I think it

means someone I can share with

share things with

share my love with but not expect

anything from

it's getting hot in here after that

previous relationship I thought I never

thought about being in another

relationship with anyone and all my

expectations were really gone and when

my girlfriend now we've been together

for almost six years now when she showed

up it just felt to me like a gift I mean

I was 44 I was past the age where

anybody in my personal life my family

life my professional life or

Society itself I was past the age where

anybody thought I was going to ever be

in a functional relationship right so

all that pressure was off of me right I

mean and I I could I it was just a gift

that I had this person

that I could be with that you know like

that moment when I was packing my socks

and my suitcase to take that trip to the

Buddhist conference instead of just

packing my socks alone in the Zen way

now I had someone I could pack my socks

with and talk to and share with and and

every relationship is I think a practice

opportunity and but it's not the

person's job to fulfill us that's our

job the person just gives the gift of

their presence of their life of their

love they give that to you and you have

the opportunity to give yourself back to

them to give your life

to give your love to merge your

households to merge your bodies right

but ultimately I feel like I'm alone and

my life and my

practice and my soul if you will my mind

my bank account my health these are all

my responsibility and having been in a

in bad relationships and having been in

a really difficult challenging

relationship like I was in with that nun

and having to stay in that bad

relationship and keep giving myself to

her because we have to work together so

I had to surrender my ego over and over

and over and it was so difficult right

having gone through all of that now when

I'm with my girlfriend and I can

experience a harmony with her and I can

surrender my ego

because I love her and we actually get

along the whole relationship

it's it has a wonderful life of its own

and what I give to it it gives back to

me but I don't have that expectation

really I don't like that horrible

relationship

scorched the Earth of every last

expectation I ever had that a romantic

partner could ever complete me and now

whenever I get back

from my Tony is a gift

now Phil excuse me my girlfriend is

coming back from the hairdresser and

we're gonna go take a hike if you liked

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PayPal this fires frying my brain

dehydrating me it's time for me to go

take a hike I'll see you next week

that's gonna be a mess to edit