I'm Sober ... This is my Story 🦋
Summary
TLDRIn this raw and revealing video, the creator discusses her journey with addiction, alcoholism, and rehab. She shares her path to sobriety, the challenges she faced, and how she found solace and a new purpose in the YouTube beauty community. The video serves as a testament to the power of overcoming personal struggles and the transformative impact of community support.
Takeaways
- 🚫 The speaker has a history of addiction and has been through rehab, which they have kept private until now.
- 🌟 They emphasize that their choice to remain sober is non-negotiable and a matter of life or death due to past struggles with addiction.
- 💔 The speaker felt shame over their addiction and initially kept their sobriety and rehab experiences hidden, fearing judgment and misunderstanding.
- 🎥 The decision to share their story was prompted by a recent podcast with Michelle Fawn, which opened up a platform for deeper discussion.
- 🍹 The speaker's addiction involved alcohol, and they experienced multiple relapses before committing to sobriety.
- 💡 They found a new passion in makeup and beauty, which helped them pivot away from addiction and towards a successful career on YouTube.
- 💔 The speaker faced significant personal challenges, including job loss, financial struggles, and broken relationships, which contributed to their addiction.
- 🏥 Their rock bottom was marked by a near-fatal overdose, which led to their decision to enter rehab.
- 💑 The speaker met their now-spouse, who has been a pillar of support in their sobriety journey, and who also has a significant history of sobriety.
- 🙏 They express gratitude for the support from their audience, who have been a part of their life and recovery, even during times of relapse and struggle.
Q & A
What is the main topic discussed in the video?
-The main topic discussed in the video is the creator's personal journey with addiction, alcoholism, rehab, and sobriety.
Why did the creator decide to share her story now?
-The creator decided to share her story now because she felt it might help someone, especially after her recent podcast with Michelle Fawn which raised many questions from her audience.
What was the creator's initial hesitation to share her story?
-The creator was initially hesitant to share her story due to the discouragement from lawyers, therapists, and well-meaning people in her life who thought it might not be the right time or that people might not be ready for her story.
How has the creator's choice to be sober impacted her life?
-The creator's choice to be sober has been a life or death decision, and it has been the biggest battle in her life. She believes sharing her story could inspire others struggling with addiction.
What role did the beauty community play in the creator's recovery?
-The beauty community, particularly YouTube beauty influencers like Michelle Fawn, played a significant role in the creator's recovery by providing a positive distraction and a new passion during her time in rehab.
Why did the creator feel shame about her sobriety in the past?
-The creator felt shame about her sobriety because of the stigma and misconceptions surrounding addiction and recovery, and the fear of being judged or treated differently in her personal and professional life.
How did the creator pivot her focus from addiction to a healthy passion?
-The creator pivoted her focus from addiction to a healthy passion by immersing herself in the beauty community and building a career out of her love for makeup.
What was the creator's experience like in rehab?
-The creator's experience in rehab was transformative. It was a place where she found help for her addiction, discovered the beauty community, and started to heal emotionally.
How has the creator maintained her sobriety over the years?
-The creator has maintained her sobriety by focusing on her career, surrounding herself with supportive people, and avoiding situations that could trigger a relapse.
What advice does the creator have for others struggling with addiction?
-The creator advises others struggling with addiction to find a healthy outlet for their passion, use their addictive personality as a superpower to excel in something positive, and seek help without shame.
Outlines
🔥 Sobriety and Overcoming Addiction
The speaker begins by addressing the sensitive topic of addiction, specifically alcoholism, and acknowledges the courage it takes to discuss it openly. They reference a recent podcast with Michelle Fawn, which seems to have prompted many questions from the audience. The speaker shares their personal journey of sobriety, addiction, and rehab, expressing a desire to be more open about their experiences. They mention the challenges of being transparent about their struggles, given the advice from well-intentioned professionals and loved ones. The speaker emphasizes the life-or-death nature of their decision to abstain from alcohol and drugs, highlighting the importance of sharing their story to potentially help others. They also express a wish to do a Q&A session to address specific questions from their audience.
🍷 The Impact of Alcohol and a Pivot to Sobriety
In this paragraph, the speaker delves into the omnipresence of alcohol in society and its impact on their life, especially considering their addictive personality. They discuss the societal pressures and expectations to drink in various situations and the physical toll it takes. The speaker shares their commitment to sobriety, explaining that they do not drink, smoke, or use drugs, and how this decision is non-negotiable for them. They also touch upon the shame associated with addiction and the importance of finding healthy outlets for pleasure and escapism. The speaker uses their love for makeup as an example of a positive pivot, discussing how they channeled their focus into building a career in the beauty industry, which they view as a superpower for someone with an addictive personality.
🏥 The Descent into Addiction and the Path to Rehab
The speaker recounts their descent into addiction, which began with social drinking but escalated rapidly, leading to a loss of control and hiding their alcohol consumption. They describe the rock bottom they hit, which included job loss, financial instability, and the end of a relationship, culminating in a deep depression that made them feel they had no options left. The speaker candidly shares their experience of overdosing and the subsequent decision to enter rehab, marking a pivotal moment in their life. They also express gratitude for the beauty community on YouTube, which became a source of inspiration and healing during their rehab, setting them on the path to creating their own channel.
💬 The Stigma of Addiction and the Journey to Acceptance
Here, the speaker addresses the stigma and shame associated with addiction, sharing their personal experiences with the judgment and misunderstanding they faced. They discuss the fear and hesitancy to openly share their story due to the potential negative reactions from others. The speaker also talks about the importance of finding support and the role their partner, James, played in their sobriety journey. They express gratitude for the blessings that came with sobriety, including meeting James and building a successful career. The speaker acknowledges the challenges of maintaining sobriety through difficult times, such as litigation and personal loss, but emphasizes their commitment to staying sober and the positive impact it has had on their life.
💖 Love, Support, and Gratitude in Sobriety
In the final paragraph, the speaker reflects on the importance of love and support in their journey to sobriety, specifically mentioning their partner James and his own 28 years of sobriety. They discuss the challenges of finding a supportive partner and the significance of having someone who understands the struggles of addiction. The speaker also expresses gratitude to their audience for their support over the years, acknowledging the role they played in their recovery and success. They conclude by encouraging those who might be struggling with addiction to hold on and push through, assuring them that better days are ahead. The speaker invites questions from their audience, signaling a willingness to engage in further dialogue about their experiences.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Addiction
💡Sobriety
💡Rehab
💡Overdose
💡Shame
💡Relapse
💡Support System
💡Pivot
💡Stigma
💡Self-acceptance
💡Gratitude
Highlights
The video discusses addiction, alcoholism, and rehab experiences.
The creator opens up about their sobriety and history with addiction for the first time.
A recent podcast with Michelle Fawn prompted many questions, leading to this video.
The decision to not drink or use drugs is a life-or-death choice for the creator.
The creator shares their journey through rehab and the beginning of their YouTube career.
There was initial reluctance to share personal struggles due to potential negative reactions.
The creator discusses the shame and stigma associated with addiction and sobriety.
A Q&A session is planned to address specific questions from the audience.
The creator had been to rehab and experienced an overdose, which was previously undisclosed.
The video aims to show that recovery from addiction is possible and to inspire others.
The creator talks about the pressure and expectations to drink in social situations.
Making a career out of a passion, like makeup, can be a positive pivot from addiction.
The creator's experience in rehab included discovering the YouTube beauty community.
The decision to start a YouTube channel was influenced by the beauty community during rehab.
The creator emphasizes the importance of persistence and hard work in building a successful channel.
The video shares personal insights into the creator's relationship with their partner, who has also experienced sobriety.
The creator reflects on the fear and shame associated with discussing addiction in the past.
The video concludes with a message of hope and gratitude to the audience for their support.
Transcripts
hey guys today I have a really intense
video trigger warning we're going to
talk about addiction alcoholism rehab
all of it I'm just going to go ahead and
Jump On In if you recently watched the
Michelle Fawn podcast she has a new
podcast Afterglow then you probably have
a lot of questions for me and I am here
to open up for the first time a little
more in depth about my sobriety my
history with addiction my journey
through rehab and then to YouTube and
all of the goods so let's settle and I
have a lot that I am excited to get off
my chest because I have wanted to make
this video or something like it for many
many years the landscape has not always
been in my opinion very welcoming for
someone to be like hey I struggle with
alcohol or I have an addictive
personality and like here's this here's
that let me share it's actually been
really encouraged for me to not share by
lawyers therapists people in my life
that mean really well and they have good
intentions they're like hey maybe you
should keep this private because I don't
think people are ready for your story
just yet but in the back of my mind I
always felt that there would come a day
where I could share my story and that it
might help someone and so here we are I
am doing this there is no putting this
information back in hiding and since the
podcast with Michelle has gone up I
figure I may as well just talk about it
and hope for the best I want to start by
saying that my choice to not drink or
use drugs or smoke weed is a
non-negotiable for me personally it's
life or death it almost took my life
several times uh this has been the
biggest battle and anyone that suffers
with addiction is going through it just
know you are incredible you have the
strength to overcome it I hope that I
can be a living breathing walking
example that it can be done and that's
why I'm motivated to share more of the
nitty-gritty and kind of the dirty side
of my story because it's not glamorous
it's not cute and I have felt a ton of
Shame over this issue I do want to do a
Q&A moving forward I feel like you guys
will have specific questions for me I am
filming this right before Michelle's
podcast goes up so I have no idea how
this is about to be received I'm a
little nervous to be honest but I
thought I would film this video and just
take a little bit more time H she's
breathing heavy oh my gosh and share
with you my story no one knows that I
have been to rehab no one knows that
prior to rehab I overdosed no one knows
that part of my journey or my story I've
kept that completely hidden and you're
probably asking why like why did you
keep that hidden don't be ashamed of
yourself because a lot of people want to
tell you how to feel online that seems
to be a trend and a lot of times it can
come from a really good place and it's
well- intended but back when I first
started YouTube I was still really
embarrassed about the fact that I didn't
drink I was sober for about a year and
then messed up was sober again for 5
years messed up again didn't see that
one coming and this was during a time
when I was still making five videos a
week it was a very short drop off the
wagon if you will like it was a very
short relapse it was like a oh touch
that hot stove oh nope I do have a
problem in my mind I made the issue of
me not drinking not a drinking issue I
kind of got to this point where I was
like I have money now and I'm successful
and look everyone has fun doing this and
maybe I'm more mature and grown up and I
can handle this and this is what normal
people do and I was really depressed
before so like maybe I've overcome this
and I fell off the wagon like that like
it just came back with a vengeance and
it was like ooh life or death like let's
choose let's let's make a quick Choice
here it was a very short period of time
thank God and I was back on the sober
path pretty quickly and I have been for
the eight years 8 and 1/2 years since I
am so sick of pretending to be something
that I'm not and I'm ready to just say
hey I'm not perfect far from it I have
big struggles and I have found a way to
overcome a lot of them and does it mean
that every day is like the best ever and
that I never have days where I'm down
and I struggle still no but I've made a
choice to not use substance because I
know it can take me out real quick if
you struggle with alcohol it's
everywhere the grocery store you're on a
plane driving down the street Billboards
and the sides of buses and it's just
like if you're upset drink if you're
celebrating drink just like wild how
much Focus we put on drinking it's not
healthy for you whether you have an
addictive personality or not you're
going to feel like crap the next day can
really rob you of your energy age you it
does all these crazy things that not a
lot of people really want to talk about
but um it just it's continued to be a
thing that I've had to kind of like
Dodge the bullets along the way and kind
of surrender to the fact that this is
truly not for me so I do not drink I do
not smoke I do not smoke weed I am
absolutely through and through sober as
they come I might be addicted to makeup
though as I'm looking behind me this
looks like a lot of chaos and I get it
you know my advice honestly like in the
the middle before going into a little
more of my story sometimes when you give
up something that provides you with so
much pleasure and escapism makes you
feel good the best thing you can do is
Pivot and find something else to be
fascinated with that makes you feel good
just make sure it's in a way that's
healthy that's not damaging That
Couldn't potentially kill you or other
people I think that's kind of where the
real intensity with loving makeup
started to back that up a little more
I've always loved makeup I have worked
jobs doing makeup I wanted to be a
celebrity makeup artist so I've always
been in the beauty game but really
taking focus and like building this
career I feel like that's part of my own
superpowers being able to go all in on
something that I drive Joy from and
never know how to get enough so like my
joke with people in my life I'm like I
don't know how to quit like I don't know
quate something that's good for me I
will go all in and if you struggle with
addiction that right there is your gold
that is your superpower you will not be
distracted the same way much of society
is you will have it in you to go that
extra mile to learn more be more
detailed to really just push through you
know how once you've mastered the art of
stopping some type of substance drinking
what have you you you've mastered the
art of delaying pleasure and that is a
huge huge Foundation to building any
business you know long-term success the
ability to say I'm not going to go to
that fun event and Get Buck Wild right
now because I've got to work and I've
got to pour into what I'm creating and
so for me that's how I was able to go
five days a week on my channel for five
years is because I was all in I used
that part of my brain to my advantage
instead of allowing it to completely
obliterate me you guys are like tell us
about rehab I can just I people always
want to know they're like rehab part
what was that like how did that go down
what was that all about I partied pretty
hard in my 20s nothing out of control
but when I hit my rock bottom it
happened fast like it all of a sudden
one day became this thing where I was
drinking right when I got up in the
morning I noticed that I started hiding
my drinking like I was putting vodka in
plastic bottles taking it to the movies
like oh I'm saving money but the reality
is I wanted a certain amount so that's
what I would do and I had all these
different things that were changing in
kind of a short 3mon period before I
ended up going to rehab my life had
completely Fallen apart so let me start
there I was kind of a social partying
Drinker had fun whatever a few Wild
Nights here or there and then everything
completely complely collapsed out under
me I lost my job didn't have anything in
my bank account I think I was like $35
and I was like I'm going to lose
everything um I had to move back home
with my mom my fiance had dumped me I
felt like I had no options for a career
I didn't have anything going and I was
on top of it deeply depressed so
depressed I could not function in my
day-to-day without alcohol to numb that
void to numb that pain I just
did not like being alive if I'm being
honest I hated my life I would wake up
and I'd be like I hate being here had
some childhood trauma to sort out on top
of it most of us do uh and it just kind
of all came to this like point where my
drinking escalated and I just didn't
care like I just kind of didn't care
anymore I was like this is what I do to
feel good and I just kind of don't care
like therapy didn't work
anti-depressants didn't work like
nothing worked going to church didn't
work um which literally I've so many
stories I could tell you guys that are
so crazy like I woke up one morning I
got fullblown loaded and walked to
church and went to worship and listened
to a sermon so drunk begging God to
relieve me of this that the pain of this
life had just gotten to be like way too
much like it just felt like I was in
chronic pain emotionally and even
physically all of the time randomly one
day just if if the zero given could have
been escalated somehow they were and I
drank with more
force and ended up in the hospital
convinced everybody that I'm fine I just
it was a wild night it was fine no I
didn't mean to do that absolutely not
went home and the next day I was like
well clearly I'm going to need to do
more um and and this is like this is
like the shame
that this is the part of the story o I
want to share the dirtier parts of my
story because I know there's someone
watching who needs to hear this that
needs to hear that there is a at the end
of the tunnel that you can change and
you can go through just the yuckiest
most shameful things and still change so
I that second night went even harder I
should have died there is no reason that
I should be here on Earth with how much
alcohol I consumed my mom found me
ambulance was called I had pissed myself
vomited on myself like it like they
thought I was dead and went to the
hospital they don't know how there was
no damage done to my body I survived and
ultimately checked myself into rehab and
here is the beautiful part of my story
at rehab when I was getting the help
that I so desperately needed I was
getting out of that horrifying pain and
the inability to set down something that
was killing me I found the YouTube
beauty community and in the evenings
when we were allowed to use a computer I
had like a small little teeny tiny
computer that was smaller than an iPad I
still have it I don't know how to crack
into it and if I could it would be
interesting because I would journal on
there all that I was going through and
my hopes and dreams and wishes and I
would watch the Beauty Community
Michelle Fawn specifically and that's
why that interview was so absolutely
important for me to say yes to and I
flew to LA and I was so excited um so
I'd watch her videos and I would make
notes of different products I wanted to
try and I would wake up in the morning
at rehab and I would do my makeup and I
was healing for the first time in a
really really long time I was healing my
goal was to get out of rehab stay sober
buy a camera and start my own channel
and long story short I eventually did
and I got really good at it it didn't
happen right away but with persistence
things started improving proving and
again there's that that magic within
someone with an addictive personality
just pivot it get out of that pain you
can it's going to be painful but you can
do it and that's my story I've always
wanted to share and it's been tempting
to especially when I've been on panels
and someone will ask why did you start
your YouTube channel there's always this
like micro expression of mine where I go
back and I'm like in that rehab facility
and I'm just hanging on for dear life I
so often wanted to share but I wasn't
ready it didn't feel right even at the
Kiwi launch party you hear me speaking
about Michelle and I'm like I think I
say something like you helped me so much
like and I almost start crying and like
I didn't tell her then okay we we're in
getting to and I also have like my
number one hero here who I
watched before I started any of this
that help me in a really dark time of my
life and I love you so much Michelle so
when she invited me on her podcast and I
sat down she didn't know that I was
going to drop this information it was
just like hey let's talk about like the
journey with all the online drama and
litigation and and she asked me like
tell me about why you started your
YouTube channel and I was like oh man
here we go if this moment is going to
happen it's going to happen right here
with the woman that unknowingly helped
me in the early stages of my recovery
right after I had tasted death what a
cool moment moment and I'm so grateful
to her and so sorry Michelle that I just
dropped that on you without telling you
at Advance because usually if there's
some kind of heavy topic like that and
you're going on a podcast you give the
host a little more of a heads up and I
didn't I just I was undecided if I was
going to do it or not and when I was
there in the moment I was like I have to
this is a lot to digest even for me I
don't talk about my story in detail This
Much Anymore on the regular something
that happened in my past it greatly
shaped me into who I am today I'm really
proud of my recovery and like I said in
the podcast with Michelle something that
I'm most proud of is that during all of
the craziness of almost divorcing James
and being offline and all the litigation
and losing tati Beauty and you know and
even now recently having to uh part ways
with the um I've stayed sober and I'm
really really grateful so why did I
never share why did I never share this
online I was afraid because a lot of
people in my life like in my personal
life they would downplay the fact that I
had a drinking issue and it would just
always feel kind of weird like it would
just feel like are you embarrassed of me
like is this am I embarrassing you it
just had that taste people are like no
and like people just don't know how to
act I was like I don't know maybe that's
in my head like I don't people are
treating me weird now that I'm sober and
it's this whole thing and people treat
you like like oh you you're just really
weak and like you have a problem and
like and you couldn't fix it like and
you're just like you're wearing that
scarlet letter and it just feels just
like so coated in shame and I want to
like break that apart um moving forward
because there's something so powerful
about choosing to get sober you are
incredible if you choose that path
there's nothing shameful about it but I
let it get to me in the beginning of
YouTube when I was mingling meeting
people going to events like I would tell
people that I was like on a cleanse or
like I just don't drink for health
reasons I would make up all these
different excuses as to why I didn't
drink and people so quickly would be
like oh yeah okay so anyway I went to an
event with a very powerful at the time
president of an MCN was hosting and we
all like a bunch of girls we all went to
have drinks at the Tropicana and then we
were going to a concert afterward and
everybody's just like chitchatting and
whatever and I will never ever forget
the heat in my body that went from my
toes up to my head I ordered a virgin
mojito the president of this company
looks across the table right at me eye
contact and says that's a virgin mojito
I'm like yeah yeah I'm getting kind of
nervous she's like and this is in front
of a bunch of influencers my you she
goes what are you AA and I about like
melted into the ground I said something
like no uh it runs in my family I just
choose not to drink and I felt so much
shame in that moment that I decided in
this industry it is not safe for me to
out myself it is not accepted it is
dirty this is something that I have to
hide if I want to be successful
and that's really sad you know I've been
privy to conversations where people are
talking about other influencers and that
they have a problem and how they would
talk about those characters and I'm like
dang you get a front row seat to this
kind of talk and you will learn to keep
your personal stuff very very private
there have been friends who were
therapists um I had one girlfriend who
you know has her doctorate and she was
working at an addiction Center and she
had no idea that I had the history that
I had and she was like ad are the worst
they're the worst people to walk the
planet and like it's so pathetic hearing
all of them whine and complain all day
and I just can't take it and like I
would sit there and be like gosh this is
how people really see this issue and I
don't know when it's going to change but
I'm going to just zip it until it does
and I don't know that it's completely
changed I just don't care anymore so if
people think that I am weak or a
liability or unfun or whatever you want
to come up with in your head like I'm
finally okay with it and um another
great thing that I do have going on for
me in my life that has been the biggest
blessing because I do believe with
sobriety come many many blessings I
remember someone told me that in the
beginning they're like sobriety brings
blessings you will see like there will
be good things that will happen in your
life and I didn't believe that at the
time like I remember like my first group
session they're like what are you
grateful for and I literally was like I
don't know I have hands I could not find
gratitude in me I was so broken so
hearing those things in the beginning
they did help and they were very very
true um I met James I had my year and
then relapsed and then moved back in
with my mom and um I think it was a few
months later that I yeah I was pretty
fresh after my relapse which like they
don't recommend um but write your own
story um I met James and he gave me
permission to share this by the way
maybe in the future he will share his
own story because his story is freaking
wild but the man has 28 years sobriety
and he has been my biggest rock as far
as just putting one foot in front of the
other with my own sobriety journey and I
think it would have for me been really
impossible to be with someone that
partied or even drank casually because
for me it was just such a head game and
I had to remove myself from so many of
those scenarios that in like your
private intimate relationship for me it
just wouldn't work and I just felt like
oh gosh I'll never find anyone like I'll
never find anyone like this is going to
suck my whole life will suck and my life
does not suck I am a
selfmade millionaire former ad
High School Dropout I have no education
let's just like put that out there in
the mix as well because I want to tell
you whoever's watching this that feels
like they won't find love Health that
they don't have options that they're
just out like hang on and push through
there is always something better
available and you might have to go
through hell to get there but I really
believe you can get there so that is my
story oh my gosh like I'm going to admit
that I kind of feel like when you meet
someone for the first time and you
really spill and like you way overshare
like I kind of feel like that's how I'll
feel going to bed tonight but also there
are so many of you that have been with
me for so many years and it has meant so
much to me and even during my time of
relapse I would still be in my DMs you
guys helped me many of you when you
didn't even know you were helping me and
I'm so grateful for that and you are my
family in so many ways and just thank
you so much for being a part of my life
helping me to have this incredible
career I think things are going to get
better you guys like it has been such a
show it has been a terrible past four
years I'm so grateful to be out of
litigation that is over and you know I'm
excited to see where things go next and
also excited to hear your questions so
if you have them for me I am an open
book I love you so much thank you for
taking the time to hear my story I hope
you're having a good one whatever you
are doing and I will see you guys in my
next video
[Music]
Browse More Related Video
5.0 / 5 (0 votes)