What’s it Like Being a Sex Addict? - Nofap Rock Bottom (Trigger Warning for Suicide)

KSA VLOG

4 Mar 202012:31

Summary

TLDRIn this poignant video, Scott opens up about his struggle with sex addiction, which began in his early teens and has significantly impacted his life. He describes feeling out of place and numbing his pain with pornography and tobacco. Despite recognizing his addiction at 16, Scott's life spiraled as he failed to develop emotionally, leading to job loss and social isolation. He has attended rehab multiple times, lied about being an alcoholic to get help, and explored various recovery methods. Scott's battle with his addiction has left him feeling hopeless, ashamed, and contemplating suicide, offering a raw look into the devastating effects of sex addiction on mental health and daily life.

Takeaways

🌧️ The speaker, Scott, is recording on a rainy day, reflecting on his life and struggles.
🛡️ Scott identifies himself as a sex addict, a condition that began during his early teenage years.
🏠 He describes his daily life as an attempt to numb the pain through various means, including watching porn and using tobacco.
👨‍🎓 Scott's addiction affected his social life and school experience, making him feel like an outsider.
😔 At age 18, Scott was expected to plan for college and find a job, but his addiction hindered his ability to do so.
🏢 Scott has had difficulty maintaining employment due to feelings of shame and his addiction.
🎵 He mentions attempting to be a rapper, which is reflected in the music on his channel, as another way to cope with his situation.
🏥 Scott has been to rehab multiple times, sometimes under false pretenses, as sex addiction is not widely recognized or covered by insurance.
💔 He expresses deep feelings of shame, fear, and despair, including thoughts of suicide.
🔁 Scott has tried various recovery methods, from the 12 steps to Buddhist principles, but continues to struggle with his addiction.

Q & A

What is the speaker's name and how does he refer to himself?
-The speaker's name is Scott, but he refers to himself as Scotty.
What is the weather like on the day the speaker records the video?
-It is raining, and the speaker describes it as beautiful and serene.
How long has the speaker been struggling with his addiction?
-The speaker has been struggling with his addiction since he was around 12 to 14 years old, and it has been nearly 10 years at the time of the recording.
What was the speaker's daily life like during his developmental years?
-During his developmental years, the speaker's daily life consisted of going to school feeling out of place, coming home, watching porn, and using dipping tobacco to numb the pain.
Why did the speaker feel shame at working at Little Caesars?
-The speaker felt shame at working at Little Caesars because he felt it was a 'shitty job' and he couldn't bring himself to do it.
How has the speaker's addiction affected his social life?
-The speaker's addiction has made him socially awkward, leading to him being a 'weird kid' and feeling alone. He also engaged in risky behaviors like using cocaine and attending parties to numb his pain.
What attempts has the speaker made to address his addiction?
-The speaker has tried various methods to address his addiction, including the 12 steps program, attending rehab four times, and exploring different recovery philosophies like Buddhist twelve steps, SMART Recovery, and Celebrate Recovery.
What is the speaker's current age and what has his life been like for the past four years?
-The speaker is currently 22 years old and for the past four years, he has been living in his room, mooching off his parents, and struggling with his addiction.
Why did the speaker lie about being an alcoholic to get into rehab?
-The speaker lied about being an alcoholic to get into rehab because psychologists often do not recognize sex addiction as a real issue, and insurance may not cover treatment for it.
What is the speaker's current emotional state during the recording?
-The speaker's emotional state is very low; he expresses feelings of hopelessness, fear, and a struggle with suicidal thoughts.
What is the speaker's perspective on his future and the impact of his addiction?
-The speaker feels that his addiction has ruined his life, preventing him from functioning normally and enjoying the experiences of his peers, such as going to college and living a fulfilling life.

Outlines

00:00

🌧️ Struggling with Pornography Addiction

The speaker, Scott, introduces himself and reveals his struggle with pornography addiction since his early teenage years. He describes his life as a series of attempts to numb his pain through various means, such as watching porn and dipping tobacco. Scott discusses feeling out of place and socially awkward due to his addiction, which he acknowledges at the age of 16. Despite trying to stop, he finds himself unable to break free from the cycle of addiction, leading to a life of underachievement and emotional turmoil. He has tried various methods to cope, including working at menial jobs and experimenting with drugs and alcohol, but nothing seems to provide a lasting solution. Scott's narrative is a raw and honest account of his ongoing battle with addiction and the impact it has had on his life.

05:07

😔 The Desperation of Addiction and Failed Treatments

Scott continues to express his confusion and despair regarding his addiction. He has tried multiple approaches to recovery, including the 12-step program and various forms of therapy, even resorting to lying to gain access to rehab. He admits to having suicidal thoughts and describes a recent suicide attempt that he barely survived. Scott is currently at the gym, unable to sleep due to withdrawal symptoms, and is contemplating the idea of ending his life through an accident. He feels trapped by his addiction, unable to stop despite his best efforts, and is struggling with the shame and social implications of his condition. He has reached out to friends in the past for help, only to further isolate himself due to his actions driven by addiction. Scott's narrative is a poignant portrayal of the mental and emotional torment that addiction can cause.

10:09

😢 The Stigma and Shame of Sex Addiction

In the final paragraph, Scott grapples with the shame and stigma associated with sex addiction. He has shared his struggle with his parents but feels unable to fully disclose the extent of his problem to others. Scott is terrified of the judgment and misunderstanding that might come with revealing his addiction. He has lost a job recently and is once again facing the darkness of suicidal thoughts, which he had previously fought against. Scott's narrative concludes with a plea for understanding and a desperate cry for help, as he feels he is on the brink of losing control again.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Sex addiction

Sex addiction, also known as compulsive sexual behavior, is a condition where an individual has an obsessive and uncontrollable impulse to engage in sexual activities, often to the detriment of their personal and social well-being. In the video, the narrator identifies himself as a sex addict, indicating that his life has been significantly impacted by this condition since his early teenage years, leading to feelings of isolation and a constant need to 'numb' his emotional pain.

💡Numbing pain

Numbing pain refers to the act of suppressing or masking emotional discomfort through various means, often unhealthy or addictive behaviors. The narrator describes using pornography, tobacco, and even cocaine as ways to 'numb' his pain, illustrating a common coping mechanism for those struggling with addiction or emotional trauma. This behavior is central to the video's theme of addiction and its effects on personal life.

💡Developmental years

Developmental years typically refer to the formative years of childhood and adolescence when individuals undergo significant physical, cognitive, and emotional growth. The script mentions that the narrator's addiction began during these pivotal years, highlighting how early exposure to addictive behaviors can disrupt normal development and lead to long-term issues.

💡Social isolation

Social isolation is the state of being separated from social interactions and connections with others. The narrator describes feeling like he didn't belong anywhere and being unable to form meaningful social relationships due to his addiction. This keyword is crucial to understanding the narrator's struggle with loneliness and the impact of his addiction on his social life.

💡Withdraw

Withdraw, in the context of addiction, refers to the physical and psychological symptoms experienced when an individual stops or reduces the use of an addictive substance or behavior. The narrator mentions experiencing withdraw symptoms, indicating the depth of his addiction and the challenges he faces in trying to quit.

💡Rehab

Rehab, short for rehabilitation, is a treatment program designed to help individuals overcome addiction and regain control of their lives. The narrator discusses attending rehab multiple times, emphasizing his repeated attempts to seek help and the ongoing struggle with his addiction.

💡Existential thoughts

Existential thoughts are deep, philosophical reflections on the nature of existence, often involving questions about purpose, meaning, and the self. The narrator mentions having constant existential thoughts, suggesting a profound inner turmoil and a struggle to find meaning in his life amidst his addiction.

💡Mental health

Mental health refers to an individual's emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It is a central theme in the video as the narrator grapples with the mental health consequences of his addiction, including mood swings, feelings of shame, and suicidal thoughts.

💡Suicide attempt

A suicide attempt is a serious act of self-harm with the intent to end one's life. The narrator discloses a recent suicide attempt, underscoring the severity of his emotional distress and the desperate measures he has considered due to his unmanageable addiction.

💡Shame

Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrongs or foolish acts. The narrator expresses feeling shame for his addiction and for seeking help, indicating the stigma and internalized guilt that can accompany such struggles.

💡Self-loathing

Self-loathing is an intense form of self-directed hatred or contempt. The narrator's repeated use of self-deprecating language and his description of his situation as 'hell' reflect a deep sense of self-loathing, which is a common corollary to severe addiction and mental health issues.

Highlights

Scott introduces himself and acknowledges the chaotic state of his life.

He admits to being a sex addict since his early teenage years.

Scott describes his daily life as an attempt to numb pain through various means.

He recalls being bullied in school due to his addiction, which affected his social development.

At 18, Scott was expected to plan for college and find a job but struggled due to his addiction.

He expresses feeling shame for not knowing his identity or purpose at 18.

Scott has mooched off his parents and lived in his room for four years.

He has held various jobs but struggled to maintain them due to his addiction.

Scott tried using drugs and partying to numb his pain, further complicating his situation.

He discusses his failed attempts at being a rapper as a reflection of his internal turmoil.

Scott has been to rehab four times, sometimes lying about his addiction to get help.

He has contemplated suicide but has not seriously attempted it.

Scott describes a recent serious suicide attempt and his struggle to recover.

He expresses fear and shame about his addiction, unsure how to communicate it to others.

Scott has tried various recovery methods but feels none have been effective.

He laments his inability to stop his addiction and the impact it has had on his life.

Scott describes the shame and fear associated with his addiction and its effect on his relationships.

He ends with a plea for understanding and help, feeling lost and afraid in his struggle.