Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU

Summary

The speaker challenges societal views on sex and sexuality, advocating for a healthier perspective. They critique the 'disaster model' and 'porn model' of sex, proposing instead a nourishment-based model that treats sexuality as a natural and integral part of humanity. The speaker also addresses 'penis arrogance' and the need for vulva awareness, encouraging a broader and more inclusive definition of 'having sex' that encompasses consent and pleasure, not just mechanical acts. This talk promotes a vision of sexuality that fosters equality, connection, and positive self-image.

Takeaways

• 🌟 Sexuality is a fundamental aspect of humanity that should be approached with honesty and confidence.
• 🤔 The 'disaster model' of sex views it as something shameful and dangerous, promoting fear and guilt.
• 🎭 The 'porn model' perpetuates myths that everything leads to sex and that sex is disconnected from the rest of life.
• 🍽️ A healthier perspective is to see sexuality as a form of nourishment, essential for our well-being.
• 🧠 Changing our 'bottom-line beliefs' about sex can lead to more positive attitudes and behaviors.
• 🔍 A thought experiment is used to reveal personal attitudes towards sex, highlighting individual reactions to sexual stimuli.
• 🚹🚺 Revising genital expectations can reduce 'penis arrogance' and promote a more respectful view of all genitalia.
• 🌱 Encouraging 'penis pride' in a healthy way can empower men without demeaning women or promoting harmful stereotypes.
• 🌈 Recognizing and respecting the diversity of genitalia and sexual orientations is crucial for inclusive sexuality education.
• 💬 Redefining 'having sex' to include consensual activities aimed at pleasure challenges narrow and often heteronormative definitions.
• 🌎 Viewing sexuality as a social justice issue promotes equality, connection, and a more loving world.

Q & A

What is the main issue discussed in the script regarding American attitudes towards sex?

The script discusses the issue of sexual repression and obsession in American society, where sex is often viewed as dirty or shameful, leading to a lack of open discussion and exploration of sexuality.

How does the speaker suggest that advertising and media have contributed to the confusion around sex?

The speaker suggests that advertising and media have contributed to the confusion by using sexual innuendo to sell products and by presenting sexualized images and scenarios, which can create unrealistic expectations and further the objectification of sex.

What is the 'disaster model' of sex mentioned in the script?

The 'disaster model' is a prevalent belief that views sex as a disaster waiting to happen, associated with shame, guilt, fear, and the potential for negative consequences such as STDs and lifelong misery.

What are the two myths about sex that the 'porn model' perpetuates according to the script?

The 'porn model' perpetuates two myths: 1) Everything in life leads to sex, and 2) The sex portrayed is disconnected from the rest of life and personal relationships.

How does the speaker propose we should view sex and sexuality in a healthier way?

The speaker proposes viewing sex and sexuality as a form of nourishment, something natural, normal, and necessary that can be used to positively feed our bodies, hearts, minds, and spirits.

What is the significance of the 'thought experiment' with the alphabet letters in the script?

The 'thought experiment' is used to gauge people's immediate and gut reactions to sexual words or phrases, revealing their underlying beliefs about sex and prompting them to reflect on these beliefs.

Why does the speaker discuss the concept of 'penis arrogance' in the script?

The speaker discusses 'penis arrogance' to highlight how societal attitudes towards male genitalia can lead to problematic behaviors such as sexual assault, homophobia, and a restrictive definition of manhood.

What is the 'missing genitals' story meant to illustrate in the script?

The 'missing genitals' story is meant to illustrate the varying levels of familiarity and comfort people have with their own genitalia, and to challenge societal norms and expectations around genitalia, particularly regarding gender and sexual identity.

How does the speaker suggest we should redefine the phrase 'having sex'?

The speaker suggests redefining 'having sex' as consensual activity designed to bring sexual pleasure and satisfaction to the people involved, rather than being limited to specific acts like vaginal intercourse.

Why is the speaker's approach to sexuality education considered progressive?

The speaker's approach is considered progressive because it advocates for comprehensive, open, and honest discussions about sexuality, aiming to challenge and change societal norms and beliefs that are harmful or limiting.

What is the speaker's ultimate goal in teaching sexuality education?

The speaker's ultimate goal is to help create a world where sexuality is seen as a natural and normal part of human life, used to foster connection, equality, and understanding, rather than as a source of power and control.

Outlines

00:00

🔞 Sexuality Education & Perception

The speaker, a sexuality educator, addresses the complex and often repressed nature of American attitudes towards sex. They discuss the internalization of sexual curiosity and the societal messages that label sex as shameful or dirty. The speaker also touches on the influence of advertising and media, which exploit sexual curiosity for commercial gain. They propose a progressive approach to sexuality education that aims to foster honest and confident attitudes towards sex, viewing it as an integral part of human nature that should be approached positively.

05:00

🤔 Rethinking Sexual Beliefs

The speaker introduces two prevalent societal beliefs about sex: the 'disaster model', which views sex as something to be feared and avoided, and the 'porn model', which reduces sex to a series of stereotypes and myths perpetuated by pornography. They argue that these models are detrimental to forming a healthy understanding of sexuality. Instead, the speaker suggests a new model that views sex as a form of nourishment, essential and natural, and that should be understood and approached with knowledge to make informed choices.

10:00

🧐 Revising Genital Expectations

The speaker uses a humorous story about a lost and found for genitals to illustrate the lack of understanding and awareness many people have about their own genitalia. They discuss the concept of 'penis arrogance', which can lead to harmful behaviors and attitudes, and the need for men to have a healthy pride in their bodies without arrogance. They also address the lack of knowledge and pride many women have about their vulvas and the societal messages that contribute to this. The speaker advocates for a broader understanding of genitalia that includes transgender, intersex, and genderqueer individuals, and those with medical conditions affecting genital function.

15:00

💬 Redefining 'Having Sex'

The speaker challenges the traditional definition of 'having sex' as being limited to penetrative acts, which is often penis-centric and ignores the diversity of sexual activities and orientations. They propose a new definition that focuses on consensual activities aimed at mutual sexual pleasure and satisfaction. The speaker argues that this redefinition is part of a broader social justice issue, emphasizing the need to create a world where sexuality is not used to create power hierarchies but rather to foster connection, understanding, and equality.

Keywords

💡Sexuality

Sexuality in the video is defined as the way our bodies, gender, sexual and romantic orientations come together to form our identity and influence our interactions with the world. It is presented as a fundamental aspect of humanity that cannot be separated from who we are, emphasizing its importance beyond just sexual activity. The video discusses how sexuality is often misunderstood or stigmatized, and the need for comprehensive education to help people understand and embrace their sexuality in a healthy way.

💡Disaster Model

The 'disaster model' refers to a perspective on sex that views it as something inherently dangerous and negative, often associated with shame, guilt, and fear. This model is exemplified in the video by a sex-ed video from the 80's and 90's called 'No second chance,' which promotes abstinence by suggesting that sex outside of marriage could lead to disastrous consequences. The video argues that this model is harmful as it creates anxiety and fear around sex, rather than promoting healthy attitudes and understanding.

💡Porn Model

The 'porn model' is a societal perspective that the video critiques, suggesting that it perpetuates two major myths: that everything in life leads to sex, and that sex is disconnected from the rest of life. This model is seen as problematic because it reduces sex to a mere physical act, devoid of emotional connection or context, and can contribute to unrealistic expectations and unhealthy attitudes towards sex.

💡Nourishment

In the video, 'nourishment' is proposed as a new model for thinking about sex and sexuality. It suggests that sex should be viewed as something natural, normal, and necessary for our well-being, similar to how we view food. This concept is used to argue for a healthier, more positive approach to sexuality, where sex is seen as a way to feed our bodies, hearts, minds, and spirits in positive ways, and where knowledge and understanding lead to better choices.

💡Genital Expectations

The term 'genital expectations' is used in the video to discuss societal attitudes and misconceptions about genitals. The speaker challenges the audience to reconsider their views on genitals, particularly the idea that men have an innate connection to their penises, which can lead to 'penis arrogance,' and the lack of understanding and pride women may have about their vulvas. The video calls for a revision of these expectations to promote healthier attitudes towards our bodies and sexual identities.

💡Penis Arrogance

Penis arrogance is a concept introduced in the video to describe the over-emphasis on the importance of the penis, which can lead to harmful attitudes and behaviors. It is described as a form of bravado that can result in men feeling superior to women or competing with other men. The video argues that this arrogance contributes to issues like sexual assault and homophobia, and that it is important to challenge these attitudes to promote healthier views of masculinity and sexuality.

💡Vulva Awareness

Vulva awareness is a concept in the video that highlights the lack of understanding and appreciation for the female genitalia, specifically the vulva. The video points out that many women may not be familiar with their own vulvas or may have negative perceptions of them. It calls for increased education and positive attitudes towards vulvas to empower women and promote a healthier understanding of female sexuality.

💡Redefine 'Having Sex'

The video argues for a redefinition of the phrase 'having sex' to be more inclusive and less mechanical. The current definition, often equated with vaginal intercourse, is seen as limited and not reflective of the diverse range of sexual activities and experiences. The speaker proposes a new definition that focuses on consensual activity aimed at bringing sexual pleasure and satisfaction to the individuals involved, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.

💡Virginity

The concept of 'virginity' is critiqued in the video as a socially constructed idea that often unfairly judges women's sexual behavior while having less impact on men. The video suggests that it is time to move away from such definitions that create harmful hierarchies and instead focus on promoting healthy, consensual sexual experiences.

💡Social Justice

The video frames sexuality as a social justice issue, emphasizing that how we understand and treat sexuality has profound implications for fairness, equality, and freedom in society. The speaker argues for a world where sexuality is not used to create power hierarchies but rather to foster connection, understanding, and love, highlighting the importance of comprehensive sexuality education in achieving this vision.

Highlights

The speaker discusses the American perspective on sex as being both repressed and obsessed, influenced by messages of shame and silence.

Sexual curiosity, when not addressed, can lead to anxiety or rebellion, and is exploited by advertising and media.

The introduction of the Internet and pornography has complicated discussions about sex and sexuality.

The speaker's profession involves teaching progressive sexuality education to high school students.

Sexuality is defined as a fundamental aspect of identity, present from birth to death.

A thought experiment is proposed to gauge personal beliefs about sex using the first sexually related word that comes to mind for each letter of the alphabet.

Two prevalent bottom-line beliefs about sex are identified: 'the disaster model' and 'the porn model'.

The 'disaster model' views sex as something shameful that leads to negative consequences.

The 'porn model' perpetuates myths that everything leads to sex and that sex is disconnected from the rest of life.

A new model is suggested, viewing sex and sexuality as a form of nourishment for the body, heart, mind, and spirit.

The importance of understanding and making informed choices about sexuality is emphasized.

The concept of 'penis arrogance' is introduced, linking it to negative societal issues like sexual assault and homophobia.

The speaker encourages a shift in perception of genitals, promoting pride without arrogance and respect for all body types.

The need for better genital awareness and education, particularly for young women, is discussed.

The story of a 'Lost and Missing Genitals' office is used to illustrate societal attitudes towards genitals.

The speaker argues for a broader and more inclusive definition of 'having sex' that includes consent and pleasure.

Sex is positioned as a social justice issue, with the potential to create a more equitable and connected society.

The talk concludes with a call to action to redefine our views on sex and sexuality to foster a more just and loving world.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Katie Poole Reviewer: Helene Batt

So when it comes to sex,

our hearts and minds aren't always in a good place.

My friend Jean Marie says

that we Americans are sexually repressed

to the point of being sexually obsessed.

(Laughter)

Many of us grew up hearing messages about sex

that it was dirty or shameful,

that nice people didn't talk about it

and those same nice people when they did it,

they only did it in very serious and sometimes sacred ways.

And we may have suspected that that wasn't exactly true

and certainly not true all the time,

but we didn't get a lot of chance to talk about sex

or ask questions about it and certainly not to explore it.

So what happened to all that sexual curiosity

and energy and interest?

Sometimes it got driven inside and became anxiety,

sometimes people acted on it outwardly

and they got branded outcasts and rebels.

Advertising figured out that they could use that

to sell us everything from toothpaste to Tupperware.

Television teased us with sexual innuendo

or gave us shows about lifeguards running on the beach

in slow motion.

And then came easy-access Internet porn

and things really got messy.

So how do we deal with this?

How do we become a people

who can look at sex honestly and confidently,

and who can see sex as a way to make ourselves better people

and our world a better place?

That's my job.

I teach comprehensive progressive sexuality education

in a little high school just outside of Philadelphia.

And I wanted to share a couple of ideas with you today

that might helps us get our hearts and minds in a better place

when we think about sex and sexuality.

Now when I say sexuality,

what I mean is the way that our bodies, our gender,

our sexual and romantic orientations come together and make us who we are,

and impact how we put ourselves in the world,

and how the world reacts to us.

See, we're not sexually active people 24 hours a day,

seven days a week.

That would be exhausting.

But we are sexual people.

From the moment we're born to the moment we die,

every minute of every day.

Our sexuality is a fundamental facet of our humanity.

We can't separate ourselves from it.

And so we have to learn

how to deal with it in positive and healthy ways.

So the place to start would be to think about

what's our bottom-line belief when it comes to sex,

when push comes to shove what do you really think about it?

What does your gut tell you?

Let's do a little thought experiment.

So I'm going to say a letter of the alphabet,

and I want you to think of the very first sexually related word

or phrase that pops into your head, okay?

I'm not going to ask you to share these out loud.

(Laughter)

Although later they might make for some great conversation.

So just trust your gut, don't overthink this, okay.

Here we go.

A.

Okay.

(Laughter)

Okay, how about this one, how about: J.

Okay, okay one more.

W.

Okay, so if you're like most people,

you probably thought of a sexual body part or a sexual act.

And then, you probably had an emotional reaction

to that thought.

Some people might have felt kind of embarrassed or ashamed.

"Oh my God, how did I think of that?"

Other people might have felt kind of excited,

like, I'm going to think about that a little more.

(Laughter)

Your gut reaction gives you some real insight

into your bottom-line belief about sex.

And in my work what I have found

is that there's two very prevalent bottom-line beliefs

about sex in our society.

And the first one is called "the disaster model".

And the best example of this comes from a sex-ed video

that was used in the 80's and 90's

called "No second chance".

It was an abstinence only video and in it

a little high school kid asked the school nurse

who was teaching a sex-ed class,

"What if I don't want to wait until I'm married to have sex?"

And the nurse looked at the kid and said,

"Well, I guess you'll just have to be prepared to die."

(Laughter)

See, the disaster model sees sex exactly like that.

It's a disaster waiting to happen.

That it's about shame and guilt and fear and yes,

there is some possible way that sex could be nice and good,

but in most cases it's just an invitation to an STD

and a lifetime of misery.

Now the second bottom line that I see a lot in society,

I call "the porn model".

And people who follow the porn model

buy into two of the biggest myths that pornography offers to us.

The first is that everything in life

leads to sex.

So, a plumbing problem,

(Laughter)

dirty swimming pool,

pizza delivery,

even a math class is just a prelude to having sex with somebody.

Now, I don't know if you've really considered the implications of this,

but that means there's a lot of leaky pipes

and cold pizzas and unsolved math equations in the world.

But that's what you get if everything's about sex

and everything leads to sex.

And then the second myth that the porn model gives us,

it tells us that the sex that we have

isn't really connected to the rest of our lives.

And to get my students to think about that,

I ask them this question,

"Have you ever considered the full human lives

of the people that you might see

in one of those porn scenes,

whether it's the character they play or the actor him or herself --

what do you imagine those people are doing

20 minutes after the scene is over?

Are they grocery shopping?

Are they picking up their kid from daycare?

Are they going off to their other job

as a research assistant at a biomedical lab?

Or do you imagine that they just live right there

in that bed, or that pool deck,

or that warehouse?"

(Laughter)

The disaster model and the porn model really get in our way of creating

healthy and positive outlooks to sexuality,

and so we need a different model for that.

I want to suggest one and see what you think.

What if we actually could think about sex and sexuality

instead of the disaster model, instead of the porn model

as a form of nourishment?

Something that we can use to feed our bodies,

our hearts, our minds, our spirits in positive ways.

If we can connect sexuality and nourishment,

it has a few good positive results.

Nourishment is something natural and normal and necessary.

I'm not saying sexual activity is necessary,

but we are sexual people every minute of every day.

And that sexuality is an essential part of who we are

and it's normal and it's natural.

And also, if we think about nourishment we know that there is some nourishment

that's really good for us and some that's not as good for as.

We know that there's some that's more to our liking than others,

and we know that the more we know about nourishment

and the better we understand it

the better choices we can make about or for ourselves.

And maybe we could see sex in the same way,

something that the more we know about it and the more we understand it,

the better we can use it to make healthy choices for ourselves.

The second thing I think we can do

to get our hearts and minds in a better place about sex

is to change the way we think about our genitals.

So I wanna ask us to revise our genital expectations.

So when I teach about genitals in my class I use this story,

and I'm going to tell you the story --

see if you can put yourself in the place of the main character.

Okay?

So it's a beautiful day here at Wake Forest,

you have woken up on time, you went to your first class,

it was easy, you aced the quiz that you had.

It's going well.

Now it's lunch time and you're very excited

so you go into the dining hall,

you find the table where all your friends are

and as you go to sit down at the lunch table,

you realize that something is wrong.

And you do a quick check, keys, cell phone, laptop, okay.

And then it hits you, your genitals have fallen off.

(Laughter)

Somewhere between breakfast and lunch you just lost them.

And you've been all over this campus.

Now some people would panic at that moment,

but you don't, you are a smart and savvy person.

You know what to do.

You head straight for the Wake Forest Office

of Lost and Missing Genitals.

(Laughter)

And as you go in there, there's that kindly older woman

sitting behind the desk and she's knitting.

And you walk in and mumble something about having lost

your genitals and did anybody turn anything in?

And she looks up at you and she smiles

and she chuckles a bit, and she says,

"Oh my, yes dear, it's been a very big day for lost genitals.

If you can just go in the back, they are all there.

You just pick out yours and you can go home."

So you walk into the back room and you are greeted

with a room full of industrial steel shelving.

And filling those shelves are genitals.

(Laughter)

Some that have just shown up,

some that have been there for weeks.

(Laughter)

All you have to do is pick out your own and you're good to go.

So here's the question:

"Could you pick out your own genitals?"

Now the boys in my class very often laugh

when I tell this story, and they say something like this,

"Duh, I would call his name,

he would leap into my arms

and we go home."

(Laughter)

It's the rare man or boy

who does not have a close personal relationship with his penis.

That's actually not a bad thing, it's really healthy.

But it's the bravado and it's the swagger

that can sometimes come from owning a penis

that becomes a problem.

I call that penis arrogance.

And a penis arrogance tells men

that they are better than women just because they have a penis.

And it puts men in eternal competition with each other

to be more of a man than their friend is.

Penis arrogance is something

that contributes to sexual assault and sexual abuse,

because it teaches men to take rather than ask,

and to put their own needs and their own desires

ahead of other people.

Penis arrogance breeds homophobia,

because it tells us that masculinity and heterosexuality are essentially linked

and gay men betray that.

So no homo dude.

But we know that gay and bisexual and queer men

can also be impacted but penis arrogance.

Penis arrogance is so difficult because what it does is it boxes men

into a very tiny restrictive definition of manhood,

where we are willing to sacrifice our authenticity

on the "alter of the man".

Okay, that was heavy,

and I don't want you to misunderstand.

As a gay man and a penis owner for 50 years,

I think penises are great.

(Laughter)

But they are not lightsabers.

They are not weapons or measures of virility,

or power indicators,

they do not spew forth the cure for cancer.

They do not make one man better than another

and they certainly do not make men better than women.

They are just penises.

They're multi-functional organs that allow us to pee

and reproduce if we want to and feel pleasure.

So penis pride: absolutely.

Penis arrogance: no.

Okay, so what about the young women in my class,

how do they react to the missing genitals story?

Well there's a lot less laughter.

And it's more than nervous kind of laughter

than the fun laughter.

There's very little bravado, there's a lot of silence.

Many young women will tell me

that they would have no hope of picking out their genitals

from those shelves.

Many say they've never even seen their own vulva.

Some of them only at that moment are learning

that their genitals are called the vulva.

A vagina, just so we're clear is an internal organ.

You can't see a vagina when you look at a naked woman.

How come there's so little vulva awareness and vulva pride?

Why does our society treat vulvas with such discouragement

and I would say disrespect?

I mean, think about the common things you might hear about vulvas,

that they are mysterious, that they are complicated,

that they're smelly or that they're ugly.

I would even go so far as to ask why we are afraid

of vulvas and vaginas?

Why are there stories about vulvas that trap penises

or vaginas with teeth?

(Laughter)

How do we help women understand and feel more pride

about their own bodies?

Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues

was all about helping women feel a sense of empowerment

and feel permission to love, appreciate and look at their vulvas.

And that's really good work that we have to continue.

The other thing that happens if we revise our genital expectations

is we make room for our transgender and intersex,

and genderqueer brothers and sisters.

And we think about people who have spinal cord injuries

or other medical conditions

that affect genital function and sensation.

And we allow for people to live in a world

without defining themselves by what's between their legs

and how they use it.

That's the world I would like to live in.

And I think we need to work to make it happen.

And lastly, I think we need to really redefine

the phrase "having sex".

If somebody comes to you and says they had sex last night,

what do you assume they did?

The classic assumption

is that they had vaginal intercourse with a penis,

unless the person who comes to you is a gay man, right?

Because then it's a different assumption that maybe it was anal intercourse.

And when it comes to lesbians having sex,

a lot of people just get confused.

The definition of having sex is problematic for a couple of ways.

One, a definition that needs to change

based upon the orientation of the people involved is a problem.

The very fact that we get hung up on how lesbians have sex

shows us that our definition is pretty penis-centric.

It's a different artifact of penis arrogance.

And lastly, the definition having sex,

vaginal intercourse with the penis is entirely mechanical.

Stick that in there.

The definition says nothing about consent,

or pleasure, or mutuality, or connection.

So what if we could redefine having sex?

And I'd redefine it this way:

having sex means consensual activity

designed to bring sexual pleasure and satisfaction to the people involved.

I've heard a lot of people push back against that definition,

they have a lot of problems.

They say, "But how will we know what people did?"

Why do we need to know what people do?

(Laughter)

And if we want to know and they want to tell us,

why can't they just name the behaviors they engaged in

and whether they like them or not?

"Oh, but if we have that definition we have to talk about sex

and that's really awkward."

Well, it's awkward

if we don't really believe that sexuality is natural and normal.

"Oh, but what about the definition of virginity?"

Isn't it time we got rid of a definition of virginity

that divides women into nice girls and sluts,

and has very little impact on men at all?

The reason why I feel so strongly about this

is that I see sex as a social justice issue.

Our sexuality is a fundamental facet of who we are as people.

And we have a responsibility to use it to make a world

that is more fair, more equal, more connected,

more free and more loving.

We have to make a world where what's between our legs

and the way we use it

is not used to create hierarchies of power and control,

but is used to create connection, and fellowship,

and understanding.

I hope that's an enticing vision for you.

And I hope you'll join me on the journey to help make it happen.

Thanks very much.

(Applause)