Coming Clean (pls don't view me differently)
Summary
TLDRIn this candid vlog, the creator discusses their journey with mental health, including anorexia and borderline personality disorder, while also sharing their recent discovery of being allergic to peanut butter. They delve into their experiences with dairy-free living and the positive impact it's had on their migraines. The video also features a reflective look at their coming out process, the evolution of their personality, and the importance of reclaiming and embracing queer identity. Amidst personal revelations, they also engage in playful activities like unboxing a Friends-themed Polly Pocket, adding a touch of lightheartedness to the narrative.
Takeaways
- πΊ The video features a return to content creation, with a focus on making dairy-free pizza due to health reasons.
- π The creator discusses her friend Madison's absence due to a mental health retreat, emphasizing it's a supportive brand trip, not a negative situation.
- π₯ The decision to go dairy-free is personal and health-driven, with the creator sharing her positive experience with dairy-free food and its impact on her migraines.
- π The creator openly shares her struggles with anorexia and her journey towards health, including her careful approach to food.
- π There's a mention of cleaning the house, reflecting the changes in routine and environment with Madison's temporary absence.
- π€ The creator humorously addresses the viewers with affectionate nicknames, indicating a close and playful relationship with her audience.
- π She discloses a recent allergy to peanut butter, which is a significant personal challenge given her love for it.
- π The video includes a reflective segment where the creator watches her own coming out video from five years prior, showing personal growth and self-acceptance.
- π³οΈβπ The creator talks about her experiences with borderline personality disorder, trauma, and her commitment to a program to manage it, highlighting her vulnerability and honesty.
- π There's a celebration of Pride month, with the creator expressing her identity and support for the LGBTQ+ community, and reflecting on her own coming out journey.
Q & A
Why did the speaker mention Madison's absence?
-Madison is on a mental health retreat, which is described as a brand trip, and the speaker is taking care of the house and pets in her absence.
What health reasons led the speaker to go dairy-free?
-The speaker switched to a dairy-free diet to manage their migraines, which drastically improved after eliminating dairy.
How does the speaker feel about dairy-free alternatives?
-The speaker prefers dairy-free alternatives, finding them less dry, and specifically likes the chickpea crust for pizza.
What is the speaker's stance on sharing personal health information?
-The speaker is open about their health journey, including their anorexia and borderline personality disorder, to raise awareness and promote understanding.
Why did the speaker decide to discuss their borderline personality disorder?
-The speaker chose to discuss their borderline personality disorder to be self-aware, take accountability, and to work towards minimizing its impact on their life.
What is the speaker's view on the stigma surrounding mental health?
-The speaker acknowledges the stigma around mental health, particularly borderline personality disorder, and wants to separate their actions from their diagnosis.
What was the speaker's experience with coming out as LGBTQ+?
-The speaker had a complex coming out experience, initially being assumed to be queer due to their appearance and interests, and later facing confusion and criticism when they attended Pride events.
Why did the speaker react to their own coming out video?
-The speaker wanted to revisit their past and reflect on their personal growth, as well as to provide a cathartic moment for themselves and their audience.
What was the speaker's reaction to their past self in the coming out video?
-The speaker felt a mix of nostalgia and cringe, recognizing their past self's insecurities and the contrast with their current confidence.
What does the speaker think about the term 'lesbian' and its use in society?
-The speaker supports the reclamation of the term 'lesbian' by the LGBTQ+ community, advocating for pride and ownership of the word despite its past misuse.
How does the speaker feel about their past content and its impact on their audience?
-The speaker is proud of their past content, especially its positive impact on their audience, and is willing to embrace any embarrassment for the sake of helping others.
Outlines
πΎ Pet Care and Personal Health Journey
The script begins with the individual excitedly reuniting with a band, likely a group of friends or colleagues. Amidst the chaos, they express concern for their cats and decide to make food together as a bonding activity. The speaker mentions Madison's absence due to a mental health retreat, emphasizing it's a supportive, not severe, situation. They discuss their personal health choice to go dairy-free, not as a dietary restriction but for health benefits, particularly to alleviate migraines. The speaker, who has a history of anorexia, is careful in navigating this new dietary choice. They also mention cleaning the house and coping with migraines unrelated to food. The segment ends with a humorous disclaimer about not being sponsored for their preference for chickpea pizza crust and a playful tease about Lexapro, a medication used for depression and anxiety.
π Reflections on Coming Out and Personal Growth
This paragraph delves into the individual's emotional journey, including their struggle with borderline personality disorder (BPD), which they describe as stemming from childhood trauma. They express a desire to minimize the impact of BPD on their life and are committed to a program aimed at helping individuals with the disorder. The speaker also discusses their past video where they came out as queer, reflecting on how they've changed since then, showing more confidence and self-assurance. They humorously react to their past self's mannerisms and choices, acknowledging personal growth. The paragraph also touches on the stigma surrounding BPD and the speaker's intention to not let their disorder define them, emphasizing their multifaceted personality and experiences.
π³οΈβπ Exploring Identity and the Queer Experience
The speaker continues to discuss their identity, focusing on their experiences with coming out and the complexities of being perceived as queer before they had fully accepted it themselves. They address the issue of queerbaiting and the pressure to perform queerness in certain ways, particularly online. They also reflect on their past self's innocence and the duality of their experiences, having gone through adult experiences at a young age while missing out on typical teenage experiences. The paragraph includes a critique of queer media representation and the performative support of queer creators by some brands. The speaker expresses gratitude to those who have supported them in their journey, acknowledging the impact of their coming out video on others and their commitment to keeping the video up for its positive influence.
π Embracing Community and Personal Expression
In this paragraph, the speaker talks about their past experiences with the word 'lesbian' being used derogatorily and their admiration for the LGBTQ+ community reclaiming and embracing the term. They express their support for the community and the importance of taking back words that have been used against them. The speaker also discusses their own coming out process, the mixed reactions they received, and the challenges of navigating assumptions about their sexuality. They share their thoughts on the need for deeper connections and community, reflecting on their personal growth and the evolution of their relationships. The paragraph concludes with the speaker's commitment to featuring their audience's content, showing appreciation for their support and love.
π΅ Closing Thoughts and Connection with Audience
The final paragraph is a mix of the speaker's closing thoughts on their vlog and a playful interaction with their audience. They express hope that their content, despite its chaotic nature, provided comfort or nostalgia to their viewers. The speaker also hints at featuring audience content, showing a strong connection with their viewers. The paragraph ends with a musical note, suggesting a light-hearted and creative closing to the video script.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Mental Health Retreat
π‘Dairy Free
π‘Anorexia
π‘Migraines
π‘Dairy-Free Pizza
π‘Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
π‘Allergic Reaction
π‘Coming Out
π‘Poly Pocket
π‘Queer Baiting
π‘Therapeutic Content
Highlights
The video begins with the creator expressing excitement about reuniting with her band.
The creator shares her cats' cuteness and her reluctance to leave them.
A decision to make dairy-free pizza together is presented as a fun activity.
The absence of Madison is explained, who is on a mental health retreat.
The creator discusses her personal journey to a dairy-free lifestyle for health reasons.
A revelation about the positive impact of a dairy-free diet on the creator's migraines.
The house's messy state is acknowledged, with a plan to clean it before Madison's return.
The creator discloses her recent allergy discovery to peanut butter, a favorite food.
A reflection on the importance of health over favorite foods is shared.
The creator opens up about having borderline personality disorder and its challenges.
A commitment to a program aimed at helping individuals with borderline personality disorder is mentioned.
The creator expresses her desire to minimize the impact of her mental health on her life.
A discussion about the stigma surrounding BPD and the creator's experiences with it.
The creator reacts to her own coming out video from five years prior.
A realization of personal growth and a change in the creator's communication style over time.
The creator's past experiences with queerbaiting accusations and her reflections on them.
A moment of self-reflection where the creator acknowledges her past insecurities.
The creator's appreciation for the support she received from other queer creators during her coming out journey.
A closing message of love and support for the LGBTQ+ community during Pride Month.
The creator ends the vlog with a promise to feature her audience's social media pages.
Transcripts
okay here we go
again oh my
God we're getting the band back together
[Music]
hi guys the cats are being so cute and I
don't want to leave them like look at
them let's make food together that'll be
cute and fun if you're wondering where
Madison is he's on a mental health
Retreat that sounds more intense than it
is like a brand sent her to a mental
health Retreat it's a brand trip she's
okay I have been Dairy free I not here
to tell anyone what to do it is purely
for my health I am being so careful here
is kind of difficult even for me to
navigate because like I had anorexia I
think it's good for you as long as you
aren't scared of eating certain food
still CU you can still eat the same
foods but just eat the dairy free
version I just tried eating dairy free
cuz I have friends that eat dairy free
eating dairy free literally so
drastically has affected my migraines
it's kind of crazy so let's make
dairyfree pizza yes the house has become
an absolute mess since Madison's gone I
will clean it before she's back
ironically enough I had a really
terrible migraine from something
completely different that nothing to do
with food that's a different trigger of
mine which is I wasn't sleeping well I
literally did not have the energy to get
up from bed so it's been a little
difficult around here but you know what
we're doing fine now we're doing better
I had this pizza for the first time it's
so good I am not sponsored why do I
prefer the chickpea crust for some
reason it's like less dry oh me last
night me since taking Lex appro just
kidding just kidding just kidding sorry
guys I love this vegan pizza bonsa if
you're watching this I look what is with
these kisses oh guys I have quite the
update for you I'm now allergic to my
favorite food what I'm very sad I love
peanut butter what a week having to like
cut out my favorite food M kind of sucks
is someone that cut out a lot of foods
for a lot of my life makes me a little
sad you know what health has to come
first if you feel your throat closing up
when you're eating something it's okay
to cut it out God what a beautiful piece
of advice I love this pizza I'm so
excited to have it I'm going to go film
a few more short form videos I will be
back though hello smellies and stinkies
and rats and AO3 readers and losers
hello guys hi I have debated discussing
this but if I'm going to keep weekly
vlogging it is a part of my life it's
just when you mention something really
personal about your life that leads
people to be able to discuss that and I
don't know how I feel about that so if
I'm about to give you right now a piece
of information about myself my question
is could you please be respectful with
that I might totally regret this I'm
just going to do it I have borderline
personality disorder it started to get
bad after I recovered from from anorexia
it always was there a little bit even
when I was little I also have had an
extreme amount of trauma that causes me
to fear everyone and to be honest not
trust anyone and it's really scary to
get to such a point in your life where
you could be around the safest most
loving people and you are terrified and
paranoid and it makes me do things I
don't like and I've probably done things
online because of it that have not liked
and I apologize for that um I like to be
self-aware take accountability I have
issues with impulsivity for sure I'm
sure I have posted things when I've been
in a bad place that I didn't mean to I'm
sorry I'm going to be doing a program
that uh specifically helps people with
borderline personality disorder because
the highs being so high the lows being
so low every day every moment of my life
it's really scary I think there is a
Jessie out there that's kind and
talented I hope and intelligent and and
funny she's just being swept to the side
because of the mental illness a all the
times it's caused by extreme trauma I
have very extreme childhood trauma I
just was getting to a point where my
mental health was so that like I have no
normal support I only have my friends
and I would just throw it onto my
friends but that's scary because that's
all I have but then I don't know who to
go to it just was this vicious cycle
that just was not ending where I felt
this shame and guilt around putting
these things on my friends but I was so
stuck and so scared and I didn't know
who to talk to having these scary scary
emotions and feelings and actions BPD is
very stigmatized I don't want my actions
to be read into like please don't do
that I don't go into situations being
like I have this Disorder so I'm going
to do this because it's not my whole
life it's not my personality it's just a
diagnosis that I'm working towards
minimizing making this thing less of a
part of my life so with that being said
moving forward I wanted to open up about
this thing but I don't want it to be oh
it's Jesse she is blah blah blah because
that's not true that's just a big thing
that's going to be happening in my life
anyways let's move on this was really
serious but I don't know maybe this
touched someone but I'd open open up
about that part of myself anyways I'm
going to react to my coming out video
right now so happy pride month hello
there's nothing gayer than watching a
Jessie Pig video with rainbow light the
Rapunzel vinyl next to a My Chemical
Romance vinyl and a pink cared girl with
a PokΓ©mon shirt on there's nothing gayer
you cannot convince me you cannot
convince me otherwise it has been a full
5 years since I came out want to know
something insane guys I have not watched
my coming out video since it came out
haha I thought this could be kind of
cute and kind of like a little bit of a
catharsis moment for all of us where we
all watch my coming out together
question
mark I pronounced the word facade wrong
it has haunted me for years that is
partially one of the reasons why I
haven't watched this also because it
gives me anxiety but I think I'm ready
now it has been 5 years I'm like so
curious to see what I say
not the Billy eyelish instrumental it
took me a minute to be like what is it
it's so 2018 already oh my God I'm still
living in 2018 why am I cringing why am
I cringing what the heck do I talk
completely differently you want know
what it is I think I talk a lot more
confidently now which is a great
beautiful wonderful magical thing so you
know what props to you Jesse I'm proud
of you for that all right come in these
cats are obsessed with me guys I would
be too no I'm just kidding I am kidding
I'm actually very insecure hi baby be
sorry I love my
children he's so perfect and small that
was me coming out to someone wow my room
was a mess can't say that's changed much
I'm just amazed by how differently I
carry myself thought I had to be cute
all the time and couldn't show any bit
of confidence or else people wouldn't
like me I know that sounds so weird this
was a time we like I'm like talking
about it like it's the 1920s it was 2018
but is in like I do think on the
internet people were less like I love
women and men could just get away with
so much more online and I felt like I
had to be cute and likable and I feel
like I've finally been starting to grow
into my personality and my humor and you
know taking up space in a lot a lot of
ways not just physically I know this
isn't necessarily directly about the
coming out video but just an interesting
note like even there I can tell I am in
my head thinking about are people going
to like me I need to be likable while
reacting instead of just reacting to me
coming out to a friend not to get all
feminist but but I really do think that
women feel like their reactions have to
be graceful and cute great news
incredible news my camera overheated cuz
I was too hot this shirt is for when I
was 16 and it fits me like it fits me
around the arms and stuff like that but
the one place it doesn't fit me my boobs
lift my arms whole pops out and I love
it so much I will not give it up for
this reason my roommate Madison I got
her these trans colored flowers I said
her this video and I was like trans
flowers and my my fell out why did I
just hear nothing did I make an editing
mistake this is such a mess of a video I
freaking love it it's so
Jessy she's quirky oh my God that was
one of was in Vienna that was when I was
outed good times have I talked about the
nature of my actual coming out it was
pretty weird I don't know how to process
it I went to Pride and I posted in a
dress with a rainbow crown and I said I
felt like an lgbtq plus Disney princess
why did I feel okay doing so because I
was out to my friends it was very
confusing because I had people telling
me I was queer baiting by going to Pride
and saying I felt like an lgbtq plus
Disney princess like as a straight girl
but then when I came out people were
like the closet was glass so it's like
it's very confusing for me I don't
really know which it was you would see
these straight mail YouTubers sell merch
actually make money shippings with their
guy friends and like kissing each other
in thumbnails and like that wouldn't be
an issue but then a woman going to Pride
that like is evidently very obviously
queer her going to Pride in saying she
felt like an lgbtq plus Disney princess
that was weird I don't know I forgive
everyone that was involved in that and I
don't think it's any person's fault I
think instead it's more of a
conversation of the times and maybe just
like something we're learning as a
society and it happened with Billy ish
too you know it's like why are we
assuming people are straight I think
it's very rarely people that queerbait
and I think it's corporations we've got
queer media where the queer characters
die within two episodes but then every
interview they're being advertised as
being this super queer show like that's
queer baiting in my opinion or the
really disgusting stuff that's happened
with Dylan Mulaney brand suddenly being
like we're not going to do anything
queer anymore just because Dylan's
campaign got backlash like no longer
supporting queer creators you're
supporting queer people is performative
that's my opinion I don't know I love
all of the b-roll I'm going to skip it
because it's so long you know what
that's okay you can make your coming out
as big of a deal as you want and I stand
by that if you want to make your coming
out the biggest deal in the world it can
be the biggest deal in the world and it
is the biggest deal in the world it
depends on how you want to do it I
support all ends of the coming out
Spectrum sorry I just cringed at that
little mouth thing I did oh so corny but
so you know what it's so good I love it
it's theatrical no and the look down to
sorry sorry if I was watching someone
else's coming out video and it was this
exact coming out video like say that my
coming out video didn't exist and
someone else posted this I would not
think it was cringey I'd be like that's
adorable that's really cute but because
it's me I'm going to be like that's
embarrassing I'm so nervous on my gosh
no that is the gayest background I've
ever seen the sun just came out maybe I
should go out outside and film this
tomorrow oh my
God the sun is coming out maybe I should
go outside and film it tomorrow okay
okay okay I actually was a very innocent
person there was like a duality there
where I had these experiences that were
very adult at a very young age but I
also lacked a lot of experiences that
other people had in their teenage years
because even before I moved to LA I was
like a very sheltered kid I go to
parties I was mute so like I sound like
a baby here but like the things I
experienced in my life a lot of the
things I experienced were not things
that normal teenagers had to go do you
hear what I'm saying I love you all I
love my people and um if you could watch
this all the way through that'd be
really cool that's very insecure body
language to like put your shoulders in
like that do you see how much I'm doing
that I still do that but like there's so
much of that sorry I'm not talking a lot
about the actual coming out I think I've
just like really accepted the gayness I
think we all know that and share to
someone that could use it
too I do think sometimes I kind of tried
to be as cute as possible I was so
scared of people hating me it's going to
sound really weird granted I was also a
child but I felt like I couldn't never
try to look hot I always said to look
cute I just thought people could deal
and comprehend someone that's cute and
sweet compared to someone that is
outspoken and confident wow this is like
really a girl that's suffering to be
honest this this is a girl that's so sad
this is like becoming like me
psychoanalyzing myself um in my past
self it's such a nervous laugh okay this
was my personality to an extent but this
was also contrived this was something
that I was like conditioned to do so
that people liked me I guess a lot of
people know about my first kiss with a
boy I was paid to do it and the other
person was too this is embarrassing guys
I can't watch the I like actually this
is causing me pain my first kiss was
actually with a girl ooh I really want
to thank a lot of people that have
helped my closeted self whether it's
through their content or through our own
personal conversations El Jackson Ava
Frank I haven't heard that name around
these parts in a very long time I have
to do my my villain voice I haven't
heard that name around these parts in
years Jacqueline Alexis Bradley why am I
just like naming off any queer
influencer that like followed me back
I'm being so honest with myself miles
and Steph not to belittle anyone else on
that list but my coming out me feeling
comfortable with it that was like really
due to step I remember when everyone was
attacking me online like calling her and
crying and talking to her for hours she
helped me so much love step love you I
did not know some of those people enough
to be saying I love them but that's okay
I was young I'm just being hard on
myself you know I wrote something but
I'm just going to put it away so dram
atic it's really embarrassing to be
honest to watch it's hard for me I know
this video helped a lot of people don't
regret it for a second and no matter how
embarrassing it is for me I'm going to
keep it up because I know it helped a
lot of you and that matters more to me
than me feeling embarrassed and I don't
mean to tear down a video that helped so
many of you I just can't help but notice
personal growth I was so scared of being
negative I just was like everything is
so good and perfect and life is
wonderful and magical and like I didn't
allow people to actually get close to me
you're doing that it's a very like
Escapist kind of way to live and like I
I see it I see it there that makes me
really sad I'm still trying to find my
community but I I think at least I've
been able to build relationships that
are just a lot deeper and and that's
nothing against the people in this video
not at all they're all great wonderful
amazing quear creators do you get what
I'm saying okay when I was in school
they use the word lesbian as an attack
gay people did not exist in my middle
school in my high school and it was this
thing where like in the locker room we'd
be like blah blah blah lesbian let's not
change in front of her not me but I I
was surrounded by that I didn't stand up
for people and you know what that's
messed up and that could have been my
own internalized issue that I had to
work through it's so unfair because
lesbians are such a beautiful amazing
wonderful magical community that word
has been thrown around in really
disgusting ways and it's really great to
see lesbians love the word use it
proudly and not be ashamed of that word
I thought I saw something where like one
of the number one searches for NSFW
content on a certain website is lesbian
like it is so sexualized and it's so
unfair they shouldn't be scared of their
own words and terminology I love when
queer people reclaim words a childhood
best friend of mine came out as gay
before I came out and I had a family
member that was very close to me say
you're not a lesbian right that felt
like wow I really a safe space to come
out when I had an immediate family
member say that to me I'm so here for
lesbians take taking their word back and
letting it shine like a beautiful pink
orange and white Aura I hid behind this
fade fade facade facade Jesse in the
security blanket of I don't want to date
to hide the fact that I was not only
attracted to the other sex I had a lot
of people in my life and I was a minor
just assuming I was gay I don't know
what it was which is like so interesting
to be told I was like a queer baiting
straight girl for going to Pride and
doing this post but then also my whole
life like everyone assumed I was queer
when I hadn't accepted it which is like
a really difficult thing to deal with
the time people like her nails are short
she wears Doc Martin her hair is pink
she's never talked about her
relationships she's got to be gay don't
hate me but my camera's overheating and
I feel like there's so many
conversations that we could be having
with this coming out video I want to say
everything I have to say about this I
actually was not planning on having so
much to say thought I would just kind of
like laugh and giggle and be like oh
this is cute but I don't know a lot of
psycho analyzing I guess so whether
you're in the closet or you are out baby
gaze even that just came out to everyone
that's been out for a while I send my
love to all of you I hope you all have
an amazing pride month cuz you deserve
it hello stinkies smellies losers gay
people depressed people hello it looks
like I'm just like in a cool black
outfit with some glasses my pants are
rainbow just wanted you to see that also
yes I'm aware this is such a mess in the
back I have been deep cleaning I would
say like two people in my channel think
the poly pocket unboxings are super
random and hate them the majority of
people love them and want a separate
channel for it so I'm not going to go
with the two haters that hate the ply
pocket content I have one that's so
exciting they have a friends po pocket
I've seen this one everywhere I've
really wanted this one this is going to
sound terrible though I never watched
Friends I know like enough friends lore
to understand this I wish I was a
friends fan but like at the same time I
just think this is so cute cuz cuz of my
love for poly Pockets so I know people
are going to call me such a fake fan for
that but you know what that's okay I
love a themed Polly Pocket guys this is
so cute oh something went flying did I
just lose the iconic couch oh found it
oh thank God this would have been very
dearly missed okay this is going to take
a little bit of work you know what I'm a
little bit of work it's like building a
poly pocket I like have so much to clean
I feel like this should be like the
cherry on top thing that I do at the
very end hi all wow why did that sound
fake is that did not sound like me hi
all hello my people I'm going to end the
Vlog here sorry this was so all over the
place I hope you enjoyed it whatever
this was you know what it was authentic
maybe it made someone feel more
comfortable in their mental health and
they're coming out maybe it was
nostalgic for someone I love my people
I'm going to feature your pages on the
screen as well as your post love you
hope you have a good day
[Music]
bye
[Music]
gol girls like you only kiss lips that
have kissed my
to no girl like you house down in a
single
afternoon already know you
[Music]
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