Accountability is a love language | Tafadzwa Bete Sasa | TEDxLusaka

Summary

This speech shares a personal story about overcoming academic struggles through accountability. The speaker reflects on how an initial failure in university led to a pivotal conversation with their HR director, Mrs. Gapari, who emphasized the importance of creating a plan for improvement. This lesson of accountability, learned in that moment, became a cornerstone of the speaker's personal development and career as a high-performance coach. The message encourages having tough, yet caring conversations to address problems and create solutions, framing accountability as a powerful tool for growth and a 'love language' that helps others succeed.

Takeaways

• 📚 The speaker faced academic failure and had to confront the consequences with their scholarship provider.
• 🤝 Mrs. Gapari, the HR director, instead of punishing, challenged the speaker to reflect and devise a plan to improve.
• 🎬 The speaker realized they failed not due to partying, but because they struggled with the transition to university life and mismanaged their time watching Bollywood movies.
• 📈 The speaker and Mrs. Gapari collaboratively created a plan that led to academic recovery and graduation with good grades.
• 💡 The speaker discovered the value of 'accountability conversations' which are crucial for personal development and professional coaching.
• 🗣️ Accountability conversations involve addressing issues directly with kindness and firmness, rather than ignoring or avoiding them.
• 👥 These conversations are essential at various levels of society, from personal health to family issues and workplace performance.
• 🔍 The speaker emphasizes the importance of not normalizing deviations from expected behaviors or standards.
• 🤔 The process of accountability conversations involves asking 'what happened', holding space for reflection, and creating a plan for improvement.
• ❤️ Accountability is presented as a form of love language, showing care by guiding someone to correct their course through constructive dialogue.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial reaction to their first semester results?

The speaker was shocked by their first semester results, which included one distinction, three low passes, and two fails.

Why did the speaker feel the need to show their results to Mrs. Gapari?

The speaker had to show their results to Mrs. Gapari, the HR director, because they were a scholarship student and had to report their performance to her.

What was Mrs. Gapari's initial response to the speaker's poor results?

Mrs. Gapari was surprised and expressed that the results were unlike the speaker, questioning what had happened to cause such a deviation from their usual performance.

What was the main reason behind the speaker's academic struggles during that semester?

The speaker struggled to navigate the transition from a highly structured boarding school to the freedom of university, leading to a lack of self-management and excessive watching of Bollywood movies.

What was the speaker's initial plan to improve their academic performance?

The speaker's initial plan was to simply 'study harder,' without a specific strategy or timeline.

How did Mrs. Gapari challenge the speaker's plan to 'study harder'?

Mrs. Gapari pushed back on the speaker's vague plan by asking for specifics such as when, how long, and where the studying would take place, indicating that a more detailed and actionable plan was needed.

What is the 'gift of accountability' mentioned by the speaker?

The 'gift of accountability' refers to the willingness to have open and honest conversations about issues, addressing problems directly with kindness and firmness, which the speaker learned from Mrs. Gapari and now uses in their work as a high-performance coach.

Why is it important to ask 'What happened?' in an accountability conversation?

Asking 'What happened?' is crucial as it acknowledges the existence of a problem and is the first step towards identifying the behaviors and choices that led to the issue, which is necessary for finding a solution.

What is the significance of 'holding the space' in accountability conversations?

Holding the space involves suspending judgment and assumptions, creating a safe environment for the person to reflect on their actions without becoming defensive, which is essential for understanding what truly happened and fostering self-awareness.

Why is the question 'So what's the plan?' important in accountability conversations?

This question is important because it moves the conversation from identifying problems to creating a concrete and actionable recovery plan, which details what needs to change, what behaviors need to start or stop, and how to achieve different results.

How does the speaker view accountability as a form of love?

The speaker views accountability as a form of love because it involves caring enough to intervene, suspend judgment, and support someone in understanding and improving their situation, which is a loving and empowering act.

Outlines

00:00

📚 Struggling with Academic Transition

The speaker recounts their academic struggles during their first semester of undergraduate studies, where they received poor grades, including one distinction, three low passes, and two fails. As a scholarship student, they had to face the consequences with their parents and the HR director, Mrs. Gapari. After a tense meeting, Mrs. Gapari gave the speaker a chance to reflect on their performance and come up with a plan to improve. The speaker realized they had not been managing their time well, indulging in Bollywood movies instead of studying. They returned to Mrs. Gapari with a commitment to work harder, which she challenged them to define more specifically. Together, they created a plan that led to the speaker's successful graduation. The speaker reflects on the importance of accountability conversations, which they now use as a high-performance coach to help others.

05:01

🗣️ The Power of Accountability Conversations

The speaker emphasizes the significance of addressing issues directly, likening ignored problems to 'elephants in the room.' They discuss how individuals and communities often avoid confronting difficult topics, such as personal health, family issues, or workplace performance, which can lead to severe consequences if left unaddressed. The speaker suggests that accountability conversations are a solution to these problems, involving asking two key questions: 'What happened?' and 'So, what's the plan?' The first question acknowledges the existence of a problem and prompts reflection on the behaviors and choices that led to it. The second question encourages the creation of a concrete plan for improvement. The speaker also highlights the importance of 'holding the space' during these conversations, which means suspending judgment and creating a safe environment for open dialogue and self-awareness.

10:02

❤️ Accountability as a Love Language

In the final paragraph, the speaker describes accountability conversations as a form of love language. They argue that by addressing problems and helping others recognize their destructive patterns, we show care and support. The speaker shares that asking 'What's the plan?' in accountability conversations allows individuals to take stock of what needs to change and to develop a recovery plan. They conclude by encouraging the audience to practice accountability with themselves, their loved ones, colleagues, and community, viewing it as an act of love that can lead to positive change and growth.

Keywords

💡Accountability

Accountability refers to the obligation to report, explain, and be responsible for one's actions. In the context of the video, it is a central theme where the speaker emphasizes the importance of holding oneself and others accountable for their actions and decisions. The speaker shares a personal story where they were held accountable for poor academic performance, leading to a plan for improvement. This concept is also extended to broader social issues, suggesting that addressing problems directly can lead to positive change.

💡Scholarship

A scholarship is a financial aid awarded to students based on academic merit or other criteria. In the script, the speaker mentions being a scholarship student, which adds pressure and responsibility to perform well academically. The fear of losing the scholarship due to poor results is a driving force for the speaker to reflect on their actions and develop a plan to improve.

💡Transition

Transition here refers to the process of moving from one state, stage, subject, or place to another. The speaker discusses struggling with the transition from a structured boarding school environment to the freedom of university life, which led to a decline in academic performance. This keyword is crucial as it highlights a common challenge faced by individuals when they encounter new environments or situations.

💡Performance

Performance in this context pertains to the act of carrying out or accomplishing an action, task, or function, especially to a high standard. The video discusses underperformance in various scenarios, such as the speaker's academic performance and workplace scenarios. It is used to illustrate the need for accountability conversations to address and improve upon subpar results.

💡Freedom

Freedom, as used in the script, refers to the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. The speaker contrasts the freedom of university life with the structured environment of boarding school, suggesting that too much freedom without self-discipline can lead to negative outcomes, such as neglecting studies.

💡Plan

A plan in this context is a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something. The speaker discusses the importance of having a concrete plan to address issues and ensure they do not reoccur. After realizing the need for improvement, the speaker works with Mrs. Capara to develop a plan that includes specifics on when, how long, and where to study, which ultimately leads to better academic results.

💡Self-awareness

Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize and understand one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires. In the video, self-awareness is highlighted as a crucial outcome of accountability conversations. By holding space and asking 'what happened,' individuals are encouraged to reflect on their actions and understand the underlying reasons for their behavior, leading to personal growth and change.

💡Elephant in the room

The phrase 'elephant in the room' refers to an obvious problem or situation that is being deliberately ignored or not dealt with. The speaker uses this metaphor to describe the issues that people often avoid discussing, such as personal struggles or organizational problems. The video encourages having accountability conversations to address these 'elephants' directly and work towards resolving them.

💡Deviation

Deviation in this context means a departure from the expected or normal course. The speaker uses the term to describe situations where actions or outcomes have strayed from what was planned or anticipated. Acknowledging and addressing deviations is a key part of accountability conversations, as it helps to identify the causes of problems and prevent them from becoming normalized.

💡Normalization

Normalization refers to the process by which unusual or undesirable behaviors and conditions become accepted as the norm. The video script warns against the dangers of normalization, where unaddressed deviations can lead to a culture of lowered standards and expectations. Accountability conversations are presented as a tool to prevent normalization by confronting issues and maintaining high standards.

💡Love Language

In the video, 'love language' is used metaphorically to describe the act of holding someone accountable as an expression of care and support. The speaker argues that by engaging in accountability conversations without judgment, we show love by helping others recognize their issues, develop self-awareness, and improve. This concept suggests that love can be demonstrated through actions that support personal growth and responsibility.

Highlights

The speaker received shocking academic results and had to face the consequences with their scholarship provider.

The HR director, Mrs. Gapari, gave the speaker a chance to improve instead of immediately terminating the scholarship.

The speaker realized they struggled with the transition from a structured boarding school to the freedom of university.

Watching Bollywood movies was identified as the main distraction from studies.

The speaker committed to studying harder but was challenged to define what 'working harder' meant.

A detailed plan was created with Mrs. Capara to ensure academic improvement.

The plan was successful, and the speaker graduated with good grades.

The concept of 'accountability conversations' is introduced as a powerful tool for personal and professional development.

Accountability conversations involve tackling difficult issues with kindness and firmness.

The speaker highlights the importance of addressing problems before they escalate.

Examples of avoiding accountability in personal life, family, and work are discussed.

The cost of ignoring problems is illustrated through various negative outcomes.

The audience is encouraged to have accountability conversations to prevent further issues.

Two key questions are presented as a framework for accountability conversations: 'What happened?' and 'So, what's the plan?'

The first question, 'What happened?' is crucial for acknowledging problems and deviations from expectations.

The skill of 'holding the space' in conversations allows for a safe environment to discuss issues without judgment.

The final question, 'So, what's the plan?' is essential for creating a path forward and preventing future problems.

Accountability conversations are described as a form of love language, showing care by helping others improve.

The speaker concludes by encouraging the audience to start accountability conversations with themselves, loved ones, and communities.

Transcripts

[Music]

when i received my first semester

results for my undergraduate studies

i was shocked i had one distinction

three low passes and two fails

to make matters worse i was a

scholarship student

so over and above the dreaded talk with

my parents

i had another group of people to show

these terrible results to

so after what felt like hours of nervous

contemplation and restless passing

i finally gathered the guts to go and

meet the hr director

mrs gapari i walked into your office

handed her the print out then waited for

the storm

are these your results tuffy

what's happened i

i don't know ma'am

what do you mean you don't know this

results are really unlike you

what happened tuffy

i i don't know ma'am

the bot will not like this tuffy

okay let's do this take the weekend

go figure out what happened but most

importantly

come back to me with a plan on how we're

going to make sure that

this this can't happen again taffy

yes ma'am

relieved that my scholarship had not

been terminated on the

on the spot i could finally think about

what happened

and i figured it out no

i wasn't parting wildly and banking

classes to nurse hangovers

why are you so judgmental rather

i had just struggled to navigate the

transition

between my highly structured boarding

school and the freedom of university

no prefects no sirens no punishment

freedom so rather than managing myself

to create study sessions

i really enjoyed bollywood movies

so i spent a lot of time watching those

three hour movies

the ones with intermissions in between

so that's where the rules had fallen off

so i then figured to make sure that this

never happens again

i would study harder so i went back to

mrs capara and i told her

ma'am i know what i'm going to do

i'm going to work harder she was not

having it

she pushed back she challenged me to

define what working harder meant

she wanted to know when how long where

so finally we came up with a plan she

approved the plan

i worked the plan the plan worked i

graduated with good grades

for a while i knew that that

conversation had been critical

to my recovery from that bad semester

but it has taken me about a decade to

fully understand

the gift that mrs capara gave me on that

day

because over the last decade i've

continued to use the gift that she gave

me

for my personal development and to

achieve my goals

it has become one of the most highly

valued benefits of my work

as a high performance coach helping

young professionals to accelerate

their growth it has the tool that has

transformed the corporate teams that i

work with

to address poor performance and increase

productivity

it is the gift of accountability

conversations

the willingness to tackle the elephants

in the room

with kindness but firmness

and that is what i'm here to talk to you

about i'm here to extend the same gift

to you

so that you can pay it forward because

you might not have a failing student in

your life

but we are surrounded by people who are

struggling to navigate transitions

and we are not talking about it

at an individual level we will ignore

the growing numbers on the scale

or our personal debt preferring to bury

our heads in the sand and hope that by

some miracle it will self-resolve

as families we are not confronting

abusive uncles

rather talking about it in harsh tones

at family gatherings

in the workplace underperforming team

leaders are only discussed in the car

park

if they are in the meeting when we

discuss it it's a very generic beating

about the bush about how we all need to

do better

would i still be safe if i talked about

our ranting and raving on twitter

about inefficient public services whilst

we are too busy to show up for community

meetings

now i know that the ted audience are

good people

you don't do such things but by show of

hands let me know if you know some mere

motors around you

who practice this

it is happening and initially it might

look a bit harmless

except when we pay attention we

recognize that there is a prize we are

paying

because the ignored numbers on the scale

add up

to become an early death due to weight

related medical conditions

the personal debt escalates and ends up

in repossessed properties and kids

kicked out of school

the next family gathering is sadly

auntie's funeral

as she becomes just another statistic on

gender-based violence

underperforming team leaders cost us

market share talent

donors and organizations fold under poor

leadership

about digital active citizens who are

too busy to show up for

inefficient services well you're leaving

it

i won't go there so you would agree with

me

we have a problem and we need to talk

the good news is we also have a solution

and a significant part of that solution

is you

and i we are the people who can choose

to have accountability conversations

we are the people who can decide to

address the elephants in the room

to step in before it's too late to

salvage a situation

to ensure that the ending is different

for the next few minutes i will share

with you two questions

and one skill that i hope will prepare

you for the next accountability

conversation

when you find yourself in a room with an

elephant

so where do we start from we start by

asking the first question

which is what happened

what happened might seem like a

seemingly simple question

but within an accountability

conversation it is the first step

to acknowledging that there is a problem

it is a way of holding up the mirror to

flag a deviation

a deviation from a plan from the

expected

or from the known accountability is a

way for us to uphold

the norms and the standards because when

deviations are not

addressed they become normalized so when

we ask what happened

we are refusing to pretend that we

somehow got here by some miracle or some

misfortune

rather we are stating that it is

behaviors and choices that brought us

here

and the right people need to take

ownership for those decisions

it is only when people take ownership

that we can begin to solve the problems

that we have

so we begin accountability conversations

by asking

what's happened first question done

now the skill

if you just asked what happened well

done you learn fast

now let me tell you what happened i

practiced the skill

a critical skill in accountability

conversations

is holding the space because ordinarily

when things go wrong

outsiders come in with judgment and

accusations

i mean from our high horses of

perfectionism we can clearly see what

happened

we can see the selfishness the greed the

negligence the incompetence that brought

us into this situation

but guess what happens when people feel

an attack coming

they become defensive they are ready to

defend themselves

and justify the choices that they met

between judgment and defensiveness we

never really figure out what happened

hence the call to holding the space and

accountability conversations

the willingness to suspend our own

assumptions and judgment

and hopefully create a safe space enough

for

other people to also put down their

guilt and defensiveness

then reflect on what happened because

when we hold the space we allow people

not only to identify the behaviors

that cause the problem but they can go

deeper to develop self-awareness

to understand the needs the insecurities

that is keeping them in this cycle

so we ask what happened and then we hold

the space to allow people to figure out

what happened

now i can see some of you already

plotting your next accountability

conversation stay with me

they still want more questions to be

addressed the last question we ask in

accountability conversations

is so what's the plan remember my

intention was to work harder

but the plan detailed when how

and where when we ask what's the plan

we are giving people an opportunity to

fully take stock

of what needs to change

because it is good intentions with no

plans that keep people stuck in

destructive cycles

so when we ask people what's the plan we

are creating space for them to figure

out

what has to start and what stops instead

we are allowing them to figure out what

it is they need to give up

to get different results and that my

friends

is the power of accountability

conversations

it is the willingness to acknowledge

problems

to identify the behaviors that cause the

situation

and to create an informed recovery plan

on how we're going to improve

the best part for me about

accountability conversations

is that in a way it's a love language

because if you were on a slippery slope

and somebody pressed pause and showed

you that you're on a slippery slope

wouldn't you feel loved if somebody was

willing to suspend their judgment and

assumptions about your choices

and created a space safe enough for you

to figure out what happened

but empower you with self-awareness

isn't that love

rather than waiting for you to get

better if somebody was willing to

walk the journey of improvement with you

i would say that is love accountability

is a love language

so if the shoe fits start with yourself

then love your family and friends love

your colleagues and community

love your country hold them accountable

thank you

[Music]

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