Why Perfectionism Isn't Perfect -- and How to Overcome It
Summary
TLDRThis episode delves into the paradox of perfectionism among ADHD individuals, who despite not being perfect, set high standards leading to anxiety and dissatisfaction. The host candidly discusses how their perfectionism has contributed to their show's success but also acknowledges its drawbacks, such as hindering progress and causing stress. They explore the root of perfectionismβfear of rejectionβand suggest alternative drivers for effort, like setting achievable goals and seeking professional help. The episode encourages embracing imperfection and the value of contributions, despite flaws, for personal growth and societal enrichment.
Takeaways
- π£ 'The problem with perfectionism is that it sets unrealistically high standards and can lead to feelings of failure when not met.'
- π 'Perfectionism can drive individuals to work harder and exceed expectations, which can be a source of pride.'
- π― 'Effort, not perfectionism itself, is what leads to success, as it pushes individuals to put in the work required.'
- π 'Perfectionism can be a hindrance, causing individuals to obsess over details and avoid taking risks or making mistakes.'
- π 'It is beneficial to redefine success and set achievable goals that allow for progress rather than striving for unattainable perfection.'
- π€ 'Finding other motivators besides perfectionism, such as helping others or personal growth, can lead to more fulfilling efforts.'
- π€― 'Seeking professional help, like a coach or therapist, can provide support in managing and overcoming perfectionistic tendencies.'
- π§ 'Approach the challenge of overcoming perfectionism with caution, treating it like any other fear that needs to be faced gradually.'
- π 'Aim for a balance between striving for excellence and maintaining self-care, such as getting enough sleep and allowing for rest.'
- π 'Acceptance and self-worth come from embracing one's flaws and contributions, not from achieving perfection.'
Q & A
What is the main issue with perfectionism according to the script?
-The main issue with perfectionism is that it sets unrealistically high standards for oneself, leading to feelings of failure when those standards aren't met, and it can drive people to work excessively hard, sometimes to the point of stress and anxiety.
How does the script suggest perfectionism affects people with ADHD?
-The script suggests that people with ADHD tend to be perfectionists, which can lead to them feeling like they've failed if they don't meet their high standards, but also drives them to work harder than others to exceed expectations.
What are the three key points the script makes about perfectionism?
-The three key points are: A) It's not perfectionism itself that leads to success, but the effort it drives; B) Perfectionism is not the only thing that can motivate effort; C) Perfectionism can be a detrimental driver, causing people to obsess over details and avoid taking risks.
Why does the script suggest that perfectionism might be a defense mechanism against rejection?
-The script suggests that perfectionism acts as a defense mechanism against rejection because if one never makes mistakes or puts themselves out there, they avoid the possibility of criticism or being judged as not good enough.
What alternative to perfectionism does the script propose for setting and reaching goals?
-The script proposes giving perfectionism 'directions' by changing the marker for success, such as focusing on progress and effort rather than achieving an unattainable standard of perfection.
How does the script recommend dealing with the fear associated with perfectionism?
-The script recommends treating perfectionism like any other fear and overcoming it gradually, possibly with the help of a coach or therapist, and by setting realistic goals and expectations.
What is the script's stance on the idea that one must be perfect before starting something?
-The script discourages the idea of waiting to be perfect before starting something, arguing that this can lead to missed opportunities and depriving the world of one's contributions.
What advice does the script give for managing the tendency to let perfectionism drive one's actions?
-The script advises setting clear goals, finding other motivators besides perfectionism, working with professionals to manage perfectionistic tendencies, and reminding oneself of the negative impacts of perfectionism.
How does the script relate the concept of perfectionism to mental health issues?
-The script relates perfectionism to mental health issues by stating that it can lead to anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, and suggests that overcoming perfectionism can contribute to better mental health.
What does the script suggest is the key to real acceptance, as discovered by researcher Brene Brown?
-The script suggests that real acceptance comes not from being above criticism, but from putting oneself out there and recognizing that one is enough, with all their flaws, and has something valuable to contribute.
What are some practical steps the script suggests for wrestling control away from perfectionism?
-Some practical steps suggested are setting clear success markers, finding other drivers for effort, working with a coach or therapist, proceeding with caution, admitting struggles, asking for help, and reminding oneself why perfectionism should not drive.
Outlines
π€ The Struggle with Perfectionism
The speaker begins by humorously highlighting the difficulty of defining the problem with perfectionism. They then delve into the topic, explaining that perfectionism is common among individuals with ADHD, leading them to set excessively high standards for themselves. Despite the pain of perceived failure, this trait can also drive them to work exceptionally hard. The speaker admits to being a perfectionist, acknowledging the anxiety it can cause and the difficulty in enjoying one's own work due to a focus on imperfections. However, they also recognize the positive outcomes, such as the success of their show, which has garnered 30,000 subscribers. The speaker then shares three key insights: perfectionism is not the cause of success but rather the effort it inspires; there are other drivers of effort besides perfectionism; and perfectionism can be detrimental, causing unnecessary stress and hindering progress. They conclude by advocating for effort and high standards without letting perfectionism control the journey, suggesting that it stems from fear of rejection and unrealistic expectations.
π Balancing Ambition and Reality
In the closing segment, the speaker addresses the audience directly, acknowledging the imperfections in their video production schedule and length. They express a commitment to strive for improvement without the pressure of achieving perfection. The speaker humorously admits to the irony of their own perfectionism in trying to keep videos under five minutes and releasing them on Tuesdays, while also recognizing the importance of being flexible and realistic in their goals.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Perfectionism
π‘ADHD
π‘Failure
π‘Effort
π‘Fear
π‘Backseat Driver
π‘Pothole
π‘Directions
π‘Pro
π‘Acceptance
π‘Patreon
Highlights
The problem with perfectionism is it sets unrealistically high standards and leads to feelings of failure.
Perfectionism can drive individuals to work harder to exceed expectations, but it may also cause anxiety.
The speaker acknowledges their own perfectionism and its impact on their work and enjoyment.
Success is attributed to the effort driven by perfectionism, not the perfectionism itself.
There are other drivers of effort besides perfectionism, contrary to what perfectionism might suggest.
Perfectionism can be a hindrance, causing individuals to revisit the same tasks or avoid starting due to non-ideal conditions.
Perfectionism can turn into a backseat driver, making collaboration and progress stressful.
The pursuit of perfection can lead to wasted time and missed opportunities.
The speaker recommends putting in effort and setting high standards but not letting perfectionism drive the process.
Perfectionism is a defense mechanism against rejection and fear of failure.
The speaker suggests giving perfectionism directions by changing the marker for success.
Identifying and leveraging other drivers besides perfectionism can help in overcoming it.
Working with a professional, like a coach or therapist, can assist in managing perfectionism.
Perfectionism should be approached with caution, similar to overcoming any fear.
The speaker sets a personal goal to manage their perfectionism by adjusting work hours and seeking help.
Reminding oneself of the negative impacts of perfectionism can help in resisting its control.
Acceptance and contribution come from embracing one's flaws, not from being perfect.
The speaker encourages viewers to start contributing despite imperfections, rather than waiting for perfection.
The episode concludes with a call to action for viewers to subscribe and support the show's continuation.
Transcripts
Hello Brains!
You know the problem with perfectionism-
One more time. *Beep*
You know the problem with perfectionism is it- *Beep*
You know the problem with perfectionism is that- *Beep*
THE problem with PERFECTIONISM is tha- *Beep*
You know the problem WITH perfectionism-? No. *Beep*
Today's episode is about perfectionism.
*offscreen* Perfect! -Yeah? *offscreen* Yeah.
One more time.
*"The Show Must Be Go" by Kevin MacLeod*
Those of us with ADHD tend to be perfectionists.
That DOESN'T mean we're perfect. We know we're not.
But we tend to set unrealistically high standards for ourselves and then feel like we failed if we fall short.
That failure stings, but our perfectionism drives us to work harder than anyone else, to EXCEED everyone's expectations.
So, in a way, we're kinda proud of it.
I'm no exception.
Yes, my perfectionism has made me super anxious at times, and
sure, I can't really enjoy my own show because I keep seeing all the things I could have done better, but
now that the show's starting to be successful its easy to think it was worth it
30,000 subscribers?! All that perfectionism must have paid off
Thanks perfectionism! *Cheery Jazz music*
But, here's what I learned this week
A. It's not actually our perfectionism that makes us do well
It's the effort that that perfectionism drives us to put in
B. Perfectionism isn't the only thing that can drive our effort
Although it likes to insist that it is
And C. perfectionism is actually a terrible driver
It turns us around after we hit the first pothole.
It makes us go down the same street a bunch of times until we get it right
Sometimes it refuses to get going at all because the conditions aren't ideal
And when it's someone else's turn to drive it turns into a really annoying backseat driver
It makes the whole trip stressful. And if and when it finally gets us to where we want to go
We wasted so much time getting there that we never made it to all the other places we also needed to go
So basically perfectionism isn't really doing us any favours
To be clear, I recommend putting in the effort it takes to be great
I recommend setting and reaching goals
I even recommend having high standards for yourself and your work
I don't recommend letting perfectionism drive
Chances are your perfectionism is super unhappy I just said that
My perfectionism is kicking and screaming right now because....
It's afraid
It's afraid if it doesn't get to drive anymore
I won't be safe
Because however perfectionism might get in our way
it is really good at avoiding one thing on the road of life
Rejection
If we never make mistakes no one, including us, can ever say we're doing it wrong
If we never put ourselves out there no one will see our flaws and find out we're not good enough
That's not even actually true, but there's a lot of fear behind perfectionsim
And that fear isn't always realistic or easily overcome
Thats okay. If you, like me, tend to let perfectionism drive here are a few things that might help you wrestle the wheel away from it
Give your perfectionism directions
You can do this by changing the marker for success
I didn't even know I was using this technique, But when I started this show my marker for success was to put out a video once a week
Which was not enough time to make it perfect
Oh God...The lighting
But it moved me toward having a show I'm proud of more efficiently than perfecting one episode possibly could have
Figure out what else drives you and let it.
For instance helping you guys is worth the effort of researching, writing, shooting, editing, producing, and promoting this show every week
Even if I can't do any of those things as perfectly as I'd like to
Work with a pro to take back the wheel. If perfectionism is something you've been battling with your whole life it might be worth recruiting reinforcements
That can be a coach to help you set and adjust your goals, or a therapist to help you work through your fears
Proceed with caution. Treat perfectionism like any other fear and overcome it a little at a time.
Maybe I'm not ready to give up all of my late nights obsessing over the show just yet
because the first week I do that my perfectionism will see one bad comment and shout "See! I have to drive!"
But my goal is to be done by 11pm most nights
and get enough sleep to be able to drive to work safely and I don't know be awake enough to celebrate
Maybe my perfectionism won't let me miss a week when I'm behind, but when I am I can admit that I'm struggling
And maybe ask for help
And finally if perfectionism tries to take back the wheel remind yourself why it's not allowed to drive
Studies show perfectionism can lead to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and worse.
Besides, as researcher Brene Brown discovered, real acceptance doesn't come from being above criticism
It comes from putting yourself out there and realizing even with your flaws, you are enough.
You have something to contribute and it might take time,
but if you wait to be perfect until you even begin, you're gonna deprive the world of a lot.
That's it for this week. I've included some amazing links about perfectionism as well as Brene Brown's talk in the description below
If you liked this episode, subscribe. And if you loved this episode and wanna help me make more, consider donating to my Patreon page, like these brains did!
Thank you to all my Patreon supporters for making this show possible. Thanks to them, we're gonna be able to start making bonus videos next month.
Let me know what drives your effort. Comment below or hit me up on Facebook or Twitter and I will see you next week!
Bye Brains!
Question time! Weren't you going to keep your videos under 5 minutes long?
Didn't you say your videos come out on Tuesdays?
I'm trying. But I'm not gonna be perfect.
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