How to Lead With Radical Candor | Kim Scott | TED

Summary

In this compelling talk, the speaker shares insights on effective communication in the workplace, emphasizing the importance of 'radical candor'—a balance of caring personally and challenging directly. The speaker recounts a personal experience with an employee, Alex, to illustrate the pitfalls of 'ruinous empathy' and 'manipulative insincerity,' and outlines a framework for giving and receiving feedback that fosters respect and better relationships, ultimately leading to a more cohesive team culture and societal confluence.

Takeaways

• 🤝 The importance of balancing care and challenge in leadership to avoid being perceived as a jerk or incompetent.
• 📈 Utilizing a 2x2 framework to solve complex problems, as learned from business school.
• 🌟 The concept of 'radical candor' as a combination of personal care and direct challenge.
• 🙅‍♂️ The pitfalls of 'obnoxious aggression' where direct challenge is delivered without personal care, leading to inefficiency and hurt feelings.
• 🐞 The dangers of 'ruinous empathy,' where a desire to avoid hurting feelings leads to withholding important feedback.
• 🚫 The negative impact of manipulative insincerity and passive-aggressive behavior on team culture and personal relationships.
• 📚 A personal story illustrating the consequences of not addressing poor performance due to fear of damaging relationships.
• 🔄 The importance of soliciting feedback before providing it, as part of the radical candor approach.
• 🔄 The need to gauge the impact of feedback by observing the listener's reaction and adjusting the approach accordingly.
• 🤝 The role of respect in fostering better relationships and a positive work culture through radical candor.
• 🌐 The application of radical candor not only in one-on-one relationships but also in team dynamics and broader societal interactions.

Q & A

What is the main dilemma the speaker faced in their software company in 1999?

The speaker faced the dilemma of being seen as either a mean but competent leader or a nice but incompetent one, as suggested by an article their employees shared.

What did the speaker learn from business school about problem-solving?

The speaker learned that life's hardest problems can often be solved using a good 2 by 2 framework.

What is Radical Candor and how does it relate to the speaker's management style?

Radical Candor is the practice of caring personally and challenging directly at the same time. The speaker aimed to balance these two aspects to improve their management style.

What are the two main problems the speaker identifies with obnoxious aggression?

The two main problems with obnoxious aggression are that it hurts people and it's inefficient, as it can cause the recipient to go into fight or flight mode, making them unable to hear the message being conveyed.

How did the speaker's approach to managing Alex lead to a toxic work environment?

The speaker's approach, which was to avoid hurting Alex's feelings and not directly challenging his poor performance, led to a situation where other team members had to redo Alex's work, causing stress and dissatisfaction.

What was the turning point for the speaker in their relationship with Alex?

The turning point was when the speaker finally had a direct conversation with Alex about his performance, leading to Alex's termination and the realization that the speaker's previous approach was not helpful.

What does the speaker mean by 'ruinous empathy'?

Ruinous empathy refers to the practice of being overly concerned with not hurting someone's feelings to the point where important feedback or criticism is withheld, leading to poor performance and potential harm to the individual and the team.

How does the speaker suggest using a 2 by 2 framework to gauge feedback?

The speaker suggests using the framework to assess the listener's reaction (sad or mad) and adjust the approach accordingly, moving up on the care personally dimension if needed and being prepared to challenge directly if the person brushes off the feedback.

What is the 'Radical Candor Order of Operations'?

The Radical Candor Order of Operations involves soliciting feedback before giving it, ensuring that the feedback is given with respect and care, and being prepared to adjust the approach based on the listener's reaction.

How does the speaker believe radical candor can improve team culture and society?

The speaker believes that by practicing radical candor, individuals can build better one-on-one relationships, create a more positive work culture, and even contribute to societal confluence by fostering open and respectful dialogue.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Dilemma of Leadership and Candor

The speaker reflects on a 1999 experience where employees preferred a competent but mean boss over a nice but incompetent one. This led to the development of a 2x2 framework for management. The speaker emphasizes the importance of caring personally while also challenging directly, introducing the concept of 'radical candor'. The pitfalls of 'obnoxious aggression' and 'ruinous empathy' are discussed, highlighting the negative impact on individuals and efficiency. The speaker shares a personal story about an employee named Alex, who was liked but performed poorly, leading to a difficult decision to fire him due to the speaker's initial reluctance to provide direct feedback.

05:01

😣 The Consequences of Ruinous Empathy

The speaker delves into the story of Alex, who was popular but underperforming due to undisclosed reasons. The speaker's reluctance to confront Alex directly due to fear of damaging his reputation and Alex's feelings led to a toxic work environment. The speaker's inaction resulted in the team's dissatisfaction and potential loss of top performers. The confrontation with Alex eventually occurred, but it was too late, leading to Alex's termination. The speaker learned the importance of being radically candid and vowed to help others avoid similar mistakes.

10:03

🗣️ The Power of Radical Candor

The speaker explains the concept of radical candor, emphasizing the balance between caring personally and challenging directly. The importance of soliciting feedback is stressed, as is the need to give praise when it's due and to address poor performance honestly. The speaker shares a personal realization about the importance of respect and common human decency in fostering better relationships and team culture. The 'radical candor order of operations' is introduced as a framework for effective communication.

15:04

🤝 Cultivating Better Relationships and Society

The speaker concludes by advocating for the application of radical candor in one-on-one relationships, workplace culture, and even society at large. The benefits of this approach are highlighted, including improved relationships and societal harmony. The speaker's commitment to promoting radical candor and the positive outcomes it can bring is reinforced, ending with a call to action for the audience.

Keywords

💡Radical Candor

Radical Candor is a leadership philosophy that emphasizes the importance of being both caring and challenging at the same time. It is the main theme of the video, where the speaker discusses the balance between showing personal care and providing direct feedback. The speaker uses the term to contrast with 'obnoxious aggression' and 'ruinous empathy,' which are seen as less effective approaches in management and communication.

💡Obnoxious Aggression

Obnoxious Aggression refers to a behavior where someone is direct and challenging but lacks personal care, often resulting in a negative and hurtful interaction. In the video, the speaker explains that this approach can cause people to go into a fight or flight mode, making them unable to hear the feedback, and is therefore inefficient and harmful.

💡Ruinous Empathy

Ruinous Empathy is the opposite of Obnoxious Aggression, where a leader is overly concerned with not hurting someone's feelings and fails to provide necessary, direct feedback. This can lead to poor performance and a lack of growth for the individual, as well as resentment within the team.

💡Framework

In the context of the video, a framework refers to a structured approach or system for solving problems or improving communication. The speaker mentions learning about frameworks in business school and applies this concept to the development of Radical Candor.

💡Feedback

Feedback in this video is the process of providing information about someone's performance or behavior, which is crucial for growth and improvement. The speaker emphasizes the importance of soliciting feedback before giving it, as part of the Radical Candor approach.

💡Praise

Praise, as discussed in the video, is the act of acknowledging and expressing approval for someone's work or actions. It is an essential component of Radical Candor, as it shows care and support while also setting the stage for constructive criticism.

💡Challenge

Challenge, in the context of the video, refers to the act of confronting someone with difficult truths or areas where they can improve. It is a key aspect of Radical Candor, but it must be balanced with care to be effective.

💡Respect

Respect is the foundation of Radical Candor, as it ensures that care and challenge are delivered in a way that maintains dignity and fosters a positive relationship. It is a mutual understanding that everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and consideration.

💡Team Culture

Team Culture refers to the shared values, behaviors, and practices that shape the work environment and interactions within a team. The video discusses how Radical Candor can positively influence team culture by promoting open communication and mutual support.

💡Polarization

Polarization in the video refers to a situation where a society or group becomes divided into opposing camps, often leading to a breakdown in communication and understanding. The speaker uses this term to describe broader societal issues that can be addressed through the principles of Radical Candor.

Highlights

The speaker reflects on a 1999 incident that sparked a realization about leadership and management.

The speaker's company employees preferred a competent but mean boss over a nice but incompetent one.

The speaker learned about the 2 by 2 framework in business school, which became a tool for problem-solving.

The concept of 'radical candor' is introduced as a balance between caring personally and challenging directly.

Obnoxious aggression is defined as a harmful behavior that results from forgetting to care personally while challenging directly.

The speaker shares a personal story about a team member named Alex, who was popular but underperforming.

Ruinous empathy is identified as a common mistake where leaders avoid challenging employees to spare their feelings.

The speaker's failure to address Alex's performance issues led to a toxic work environment and eventual firing.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of radical candor in both one-on-one relationships and team culture.

The speaker's experience with a company whose policies they disagreed with led to a realization about the importance of dialogue.

The speaker believes that unchallenged beliefs can become prejudices, and thus seeks to understand differing viewpoints.

The speaker shares a personal transformation from viewing others as enemies to recognizing them as fellow Americans.

The speaker advocates for radical candor as a way to improve relationships, work culture, and societal confluence.

The speaker outlines the 'radical candor order of operations,' starting with soliciting feedback.

The speaker stresses the importance of giving and receiving feedback in a way that respects the other person.

The speaker explains how to gauge feedback by observing the listener's reactions and adjusting the approach accordingly.

The speaker concludes with a call to action for everyone to practice radical candor for better relationships and societal outcomes.

Transcripts

how can you all say what you mean

without being mean I started thinking

about this back in 1999 I had started a

software company and I came into the

office one day and about half the people

in the company had sent me the same

article about how everyone would rather

have a boss who is is really mean but

competent a total jerk but competent

than one who is really nice but

incompetent and I thought gosh are they

sending me this because they think I'm a

jerk or because they think I'm

incompetent and surely those are not my

only two

choices now I went to business school

and there I learned exactly nothing

about

management but I did learn one one

really important thing all of life's

hardest problems can be solved with a

good 2 by two framework so that is how I

started thinking about this

problem I was unwilling to let go of my

desire to show that I cared personally

that is what for me gave work meaning

but also had to learn how to challenge

directly and I had to learn how to do

both at the same time and over time I

came to think about caring and

challenging at the same time as radical

cander now the easiest way to understand

what radical cander is is to think about

what happens when we mess up on one

dimension or another as we are all bound

to do from time to time sometimes we

remember to challenge directly but we

forget to show that we care personally

and this I call obnoxious

aggression anybody ever seen any

obnoxious aggression and this this is a

problem obnoxious aggression is a

problem because it hurts people

primarily it's a problem because it

hurts people but it's also a problem

because it's inefficient if I act like a

total jerk to you then you're likely to

go into fight or flight mode in your

brain and then you literally cannot hear

what I'm saying so I'm just wasting my

breath and then there's a third more

subtle problem with obnoxious aggression

I don't know about you but for me when I

realize I've acted like a jerk it is not

my instinct to go the right way on care

personally instead it's my instinct to

go the wrong way on challenge directly

oh it's no big deal it doesn't really

matter and then I wind up in the worst

place of all manipulative

insincerity if obnoxious aggression is

front stabbing manipulative insincerity

is backstabbing it's passive AG passive

aggressive behavior this is where all

the most toxic kinds of workplace Place

Behavior or frankly Behavior at home in

any relationship that you have in any

part of your life creep in and it is fun

to tell stories about obnoxious

aggression and manipulative insincerity

because this is where the drama is

however the vast majority of us make the

vast majority of our mistakes in this

last quadrant where we do remember to

show that we care personally because you

know what most people are actually

pretty nice people so we do remember to

show that we care personally but we're

so wored worried about not hurting

someone's feelings or not offending

someone that we fail to tell them

something they'd be better off knowing

in the long run and this is what I call

ruinous

empathy empathy is a good thing ruinous

empathy is not in order to explain to

you what I mean by this I want to tell

you a story about possibly the most

painful moment of my career I had just

hired this person Alex we'll call this

person Alex and I liked Alex a lot Alex

was smart Alex was Charming Alex was

funny Alex would do stuff like we're at

a manager offsite playing one of those

endless get to know you games and Alex

was the person who had the courage to

raise their hand and to say I can tell

that everyone is really stressed out

I've got an idea it'll help us get to

know each other better and it'll be

really fast whatever Alex's idea was if

it was fast we were down with

it Alex said let's just go around the

table and confess what candy our parents

used when potty training us really weird

but really

fast weirder yet we all remembered

Hershey kisses right here and then for

the next 10 months every time there was

a tense moment in the meet in a meeting

Alex would whip out just the right piece

of candy for the right person at the

right

moment so Alex brought a little levity

to the off office everybody loved

working with Alex one problem with Alex

Alex was doing terrible work

absolutely sort of creative and unusual

but tons of sloppy mistakes I was so

puzzled I couldn't understand cuz Alex

what was going on because Alex had this

incredible resume this great history of

accomplishments I learned much later

that Alex was smoking pot in the

bathroom three times a day which maybe

explained all that candy that he had

but I didn't know any of that at the

time all I knew is that Alex would hand

stuff into me with shame in his eyes he

knew his work wasn't nearly good enough

and I would say something to him along

the lines of oh Alex you're so smart

you're so awesome everybody loves

working with you this is a great start

maybe you can make it just a little bit

better which of course he never did okay

so let's pause for a moment what was

going on there part of it was truly ruin

a sympathy I really did like Alex and I

really did not want to hurt his feelings

but if I'm honest with myself there was

something more Insidious going on as

well because Alex was popular and Alex

was sensitive and there was part of me

that was afraid that if I told Alex in

no uncertain terms that his work wasn't

nearly good enough he would get upset he

might even start to cry and then

everyone would think I was a big you

know what and so the part of me that was

worried about my reputation as a leader

that was manipulative insincerity part

the part of me that was worried about

Alex's feelings that was the ruin of

sympathy part so this kind of toxic

mixture goes on for about 10 months and

eventually the inevitable happens and I

realized that if I don't fire Alex I'm

going to lose all my best performers

because not only have I been unfair to

Alex not to tell him so that he could

fix things I've been unfair to the whole

team their deliverables were late

because his deliverables were late they

couldn't spend as much much time on

their work as they needed to because

they were constantly having to redo his

work and the people who were the best

performers on my team they were just

going to quit they wanted to be able to

work at a place where they could do

their best work and so I sat down to

have a conversation with Alex that I

should have started frankly 10 months

previously and when I finished

explaining to him where things stood he

kind of pushed his chair back from the

table he looked me right in the eye and

he said why didn't you tell me

and as that question was going around in

my head with no good answer he looked at

me again and he said why didn't anyone

tell me I thought you all cared about

me and now I realized that by not

telling Alex thinking I was being so

nice sparing his feelings he's now

getting fired as a result of it not so

nice after all it was a terrible moment

in my career but it was too late to say

Alex even Alex at this point agreed he

should go because his reputation on the

team was just shot all I could do in

that moment was make myself a very

solemn promise that I would never make

that mistake again and that I would do

everything in my power to help other

people avoid making that mistake and

that is why I'm here talking to you all

today now I want to talk to you not only

about how this works how ruinous Works

in one-on-one relationships it also

works on team culture or doesn't work

often I'll work with the team and they

start out radically CED small group of

people they know each other really well

it's kind of easy for them to show they

care and Challenge and then because of

that they find some success and they

grow and then they succumb to the

gravitational pull of ruinous empathy

and then things start going wrong but

nobody wants to be mean nobody wants to

talk to anybody else everybody's getting

really agitated and then finally

somebody bursts out and says the

thing anybody ever see that happen maybe

not in the best way but it it works and

because it works they do it again but

maybe they do it a little more and

because everybody else is so determined

to be nice they say things like oh she

didn't mean any harm or oh he's a good

guy and then the next thing you know

this person is promoted

now anybody ever see this happen there

comes a moment on every team's history

when the jerks begin to win and that is

when the culture begins to lose because

what happens next everybody moves down

to manipulative insincerity they're

talking badly about this person behind

this person's back but they are not

talking to the person it does not have

to be this way folks if you notice this

happening your team sort of drifting

over to ruin a sympathy it's possible to

move over to radical cander that's not

going to solve all problems people will

still make a mistake but you can tell

them about that mistake in a way that

allows them to make things better now

it's not only the culture on teams where

this happen sometimes it happens in a

whole society sometimes it turns out

that a whole society is polarized

anybody ever know such such a

society we're polarized and we're not

talking to each other we're talking

about each other and we're sticking with

the people who agree with us and I am no

better than the rest of us on this I

recently was invited to give a talk at a

company whose policies I disagreed with

pretty

vehemently and I was tempted not to go

and then I thought that does not seem

like it's in the spirit of radical

cander in fact I believe very deeply

that unchallenged beliefs become

prejudices so I needed to go to this

place and talk to these people not

because I was going in prepared to

change my mind if I'm honest I was not

but I also wasn't going in trying to

change their mind I was going in

thinking if I understand their point of

view it will help me deepen my thinking

and maybe I can find some common ground

with these people you're going to hear

more about common ground maybe I can

learn to like these people and as I gave

the talk I got to the Q&A and it was

going really well we were having a great

conversation and there was this voice

inside my head like screaming at me

saying Kim these people are not your

enemies these are your fellow

Americans and it really made me take a

deep breath I was like why would I not

have come to speak with these people

after the after the conference was over

somebody came up to me and said Kim do

you believe this do you believe that I

said yes I did they kind of cocked their

head and they said huh

you don't seem like an evil

person and I would have thought that

person was ridiculous except that I had

just had pretty much the same thought

myself five minutes previously so how

does this work uh some of the best

relationships of my career have happened

with people who I disagree with and

because I care about these people it's

easier for me to challenge them and

because I challenge them it's easier to

care it's a virtuous cycle radical

cander and the reason why it works is

that we both of us believe that the

floor on the care personally dimension

of radical cander is respect respect is

something we owe to everyone and we when

we can show respect and common human

decency we actually wind up loving the

people who we work with not in the HR

disaster sense of the word that we read

so much about today but in the true

sense of

collegiality so to understand how to do

this I want to explain to you the

radical cander order of operations going

back to this Alex story I failed pretty

much on all Dimensions with Alex I

failed to solicit feedback radical

cander no matter who you are should

always start with soliciting feedback

don't dish it out before you prove you

can take it but I didn't do that with

Alex so let's give me a report card I

failed to solicit praise and I failed to

ask Alex what I could do or stop doing

that might make it easier for him to

work with me maybe just maybe I was

doing something that was frustrating

Alex so much she was forced to to up in

the bathroom three times a day I don't

know because I never asked him right so

solicit feedback you also need to give

praise the kind of Praise I gave to Alex

was really just a head fake and you need

to tell people when their work isn't

nearly good enough but because I failed

to do that I couldn't possibly gauge how

my feedback was Landing so I'm going to

give myself an incomplete there so what

do I mean by gauge the feedback this is

where you can use this framework

remember radical cander gets measured

not at the speaker's mouth but at the

listener's ear so but how do you know

what's going on inside someone else's

ear you can use this framework if the

other person seems sad that is your cue

to move up on the care personally

Dimension if the other person seems mad

that is also your cue to move up on the

care personally mention but it's pretty

hard to care personally about someone

who's yelling at you so what can you do

in these moments you're probably mad

back when you're Furious get curious or

get curious not Furious if you're

batting above average try to move up on

why is this person so mad last but not

least there are times when you'll say

the thing you'll work up your courage to

say the thing and then the person will

just brush you off this is your cue to

move out further than you're comfortable

going on the challenge directly

Dimension so if you can all go forth and

be radically candid you will have better

relationships one-on-one relationships

you can help build a

better culture at work and you can help

build Confluence in society thank you

all so

[Applause]

much