Dating apps encourage our worst instincts. Here’s how to be more ethical | Christine Emba

Summary

This video script discusses the evolution of dating, highlighting how online dating and apps have transformed the way people meet and interact. While offering increased freedom and opportunities, especially for marginalized groups, it also presents negative trends such as increased stress and mental health issues among users. The script addresses the lack of accountability in online dating, leading to behaviors like ghosting and harassment. It also critiques the gamification of dating apps, which can foster a culture of superficial judgments and objectification. The speaker suggests ethical considerations, like 'willing the good of the other,' to improve online dating experiences.

Takeaways

• 📈 Traditional dating methods have shifted significantly with the rise of dating apps and online dating, leading to an increase in people meeting partners online.
• 🌐 Online dating has been particularly beneficial for marginalized groups, providing them with more opportunities to find partners.
• 🚨 The use of dating apps is linked to higher levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, with swipe-based apps potentially tripling stress levels.
• 💔 Women using dating apps report high rates of receiving unsolicited explicit images and experiencing harassment and threats.
• 👨‍💻 Men also face negative experiences on dating apps, with a majority feeling insecure due to the lack of matches and communication.
• 🔄 The anonymity of online dating can lead to a lack of accountability, with behaviors such as ghosting and sending inappropriate images becoming more common.
• 🎮 Dating apps gamify the dating process, which may lead to a mindset of endless options and reluctance to commit to imperfect relationships.
• 🖼️ The prominence of pictures on dating apps can prioritize physical appearance over other qualities, potentially overlooking great matches.
• 🤝 Ethical dating involves considering the well-being of others, fostering emotional intimacy, and respecting boundaries and commitments.
• 💬 The script suggests that in-person social interactions and building the courage to approach others can be beneficial, regardless of the context.

Q & A

How did people traditionally meet their partners before the advent of dating apps?

Traditionally, people met their partners through their communities, such as friends, family, work, church, or school.

What is one positive effect of online dating and dating apps mentioned in the script?

Online dating and dating apps have provided added freedom and have been especially helpful for people in marginalized groups to find partners who might not have been accessible otherwise.

What are some negative trends associated with the use of dating apps?

Some negative trends include increased distress, anxiety, or depression among users, with swipe-based dating app users facing three times the amount of stress compared to non-users.

How does the script suggest that online dating affects the behavior of users?

The script suggests that online dating leads to a lack of accountability, resulting in behaviors such as ghosting, sending unsolicited explicit images, and persistent unwanted contact.

What are some of the specific negative experiences women have reported while using dating apps, according to the script?

Women have reported receiving unsolicited sexually explicit images, persistent contact from those they've tried to cut off, being called offensive names, and even threats of physical harm.

How does the script describe the impact of dating app rejection on users?

The script describes that the constant rejection and negativity on dating apps can contribute to a sense of malaise and make users feel insecure, especially highlighting that humans may not be built to handle the amount of 'in-your-face rejection' that dating apps can provide.

What is the 'gamification' of dating mentioned in the script, and how does it affect users?

The 'gamification' of dating refers to the swipe-based mechanism of apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, which can foster a mindset of endless options and the idea that there's always something better, potentially leading to a delay in settling down.

How does the prominence of pictures on dating apps affect the way users judge potential matches?

The prominence of pictures on dating apps often leads to judgment based solely on appearance, favoring those with flattering profile pictures and disadvantaging those who may have excellent qualities not visible in a photo.

What ethical considerations does the script suggest for using dating apps?

The script suggests ethical considerations such as 'willing the good of the other,' treating people as ends and not means, fostering emotional intimacy, respecting commitment and boundaries, and viewing others as humans, not just images on a screen.

What alternative to online dating is proposed in the script for meeting potential partners?

The script proposes meeting potential partners in person, such as in the supermarket or at a bar, as an alternative to online dating, emphasizing the importance of building social ability and bravery to approach strangers.

What is the 'golden rule' mentioned in the context of ethical dating in the script?

The 'golden rule' in the context of ethical dating refers to the idea of treating others as you would like to be treated, which is expanded upon in the script as 'willing the good of the other,' suggesting a broader ethic for romantic and other partnerships.

Outlines

00:00

📱 The Evolution and Impact of Online Dating

This paragraph discusses the historical context of dating, highlighting how it transitioned from community-based encounters to online platforms. It acknowledges the positive aspects of online dating, such as increased freedom and opportunities for marginalized groups, but also points out the rise in mental health issues like distress and anxiety among users. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of mental health in improving dating experiences and introduces BetterHelp as a solution to common therapy barriers. It also touches on the lack of accountability in online dating, leading to negative behaviors and a sense of malaise due to constant rejection.

05:00

🔍 The Drawbacks of Dating Apps and a Call for Ethical Dating

The second paragraph delves into the potential negative consequences of dating apps, such as the illusion of endless options leading to a reluctance to commit and the overemphasis on physical appearance. It points out that these apps can objectify users and lead to a disregard for emotional intimacy and commitment. The paragraph suggests that 'willing the good of the other' can be a guiding ethic in dating, advocating for treating people as ends rather than means. It concludes with a suggestion to balance online dating with in-person interactions and the importance of developing social skills to approach potential partners.

Keywords

💡Dating apps

Dating apps are mobile applications designed to help individuals find romantic or sexual partners. They have revolutionized the way people meet and date, offering a platform for users to connect based on shared interests, location, and other preferences. In the video, dating apps are highlighted as a significant shift from traditional dating methods, with both positive and negative impacts on users' mental health and dating experiences. The script mentions how dating apps have provided freedom and opportunities for marginalized groups but also discusses the distress, anxiety, and depression that can result from their use.

💡Online dating

Online dating refers to the practice of using the internet to find romantic or sexual partners. It encompasses a range of activities, from using dating websites to engaging in social media or chat rooms. The video discusses the rise of online dating and its impact on the dynamics of meeting partners, suggesting that while it has democratized access to potential partners, it has also introduced new challenges such as increased stress and a lack of accountability.

💡Mental health

Mental health is the state of an individual's psychological and emotional well-being. It plays a crucial role in how individuals interact with others and manage their relationships. The video script emphasizes the importance of mental health in the context of dating, suggesting that the stress and anxiety associated with using dating apps can negatively affect users' mental health. It also promotes therapy as a means to address these issues, highlighting BetterHelp as a resource for online therapy.

💡Ghosting

Ghosting is the act of suddenly cutting off all communication with someone without any explanation, often occurring in the context of dating. The video mentions ghosting as a negative trend that has become more prevalent with the rise of dating apps, where the lack of face-to-face interaction can make it easier for individuals to disappear without addressing the relationship.

💡Accountability

Accountability refers to the expectation that individuals should be responsible for their actions and accept the consequences. In the context of the video, it is discussed as a missing element in online dating, where the anonymity and privacy provided by dating apps can lead to a lack of personal responsibility and respect for others.

💡Sexual explicit image

A sexual explicit image is a photograph or visual representation of a sexual nature. The video cites a statistic from Pew Research indicating that a significant percentage of women have received unwanted sexually explicit images while online dating, highlighting the issue of consent and privacy in the digital dating landscape.

💡Rejection

Rejection is the act of refusing to accept, consider, or approve something. In the context of dating apps, rejection is a common experience where users may not match with others or receive messages. The video suggests that the high volume of rejections on dating apps can contribute to feelings of insecurity and malaise among users.

💡Gamification

Gamification is the application of game design elements and principles in non-game contexts. Dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge use gamification by allowing users to swipe left or right on profiles, turning the dating process into a game-like experience. The video argues that this approach can foster a mindset where users view potential partners as disposable options rather than unique individuals.

💡Perfect match

A perfect match refers to a partner who is ideally suited to one's preferences and desires. The video discusses how dating apps can create an illusion that there is always a 'perfect match' available, leading users to have unrealistic expectations and a reluctance to invest in relationships that may not meet their exact specifications.

💡Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the closeness and deep emotional connection shared between individuals in a relationship. The video suggests that focusing on emotional intimacy can be a way to foster more meaningful connections in the context of dating, as opposed to the superficial judgments often made based on appearance or profile information on dating apps.

💡Ethics in dating

Ethics in dating refers to the moral principles and values that guide how individuals should behave in romantic relationships. The video proposes the concept of 'willing the good of the other' as an ethical approach to dating, emphasizing the importance of treating potential partners with respect and considering their well-being as highly as one's own.

Highlights

Dating has shifted significantly with the rise of online dating and dating apps.

Online dating has provided freedom and has been especially helpful for marginalized groups.

There's an increase in distress, anxiety, and depression among users of dating apps.

Swipe-based dating app users face three times the stress compared to non-users.

BetterHelp offers online therapy to address mental health issues related to dating.

Dating apps have changed the way people meet, allowing for more privacy but also less accountability.

Ghosting and sending unsolicited explicit images are examples of negative behaviors facilitated by dating apps.

56% of women report receiving unsolicited sexually explicit images while online dating.

Over 40% of women have been contacted persistently after trying to cut off contact.

37% of women have been called offensive names while online dating.

11% of women have received threats of physical harm through dating apps.

64% of men feel insecure due to the lack of messages received on dating apps.

Rejection and negativity on dating apps can lead to a sense of malaise.

Dating apps gamify the process, fostering a mindset of endless options and little commitment.

The illusion of always finding something better contributes to a delay in settling down for some.

Dating apps prioritize appearance, which can be a disadvantage for those who don't present well in photos.

Filtering for specific traits on dating apps can prevent potentially great matches from being considered.

Dating apps can lead to objectifying people, treating them as products rather than individuals.

Ethical dating involves 'willing the good of the other' and treating people as ends, not means.

Building social skills to approach people in person is a healthy alternative to relying solely on dating apps.

Transcripts

- Dating has never exactly been easy.

In the past, say the '90s and prior,

the majority of people met their partners

through their communities-

either through friends and family,

or maybe through their work

or their church or their school.

But then dating apps and online dating appear,

and there's an incredible shift.

The number of people

who meet their partners online shoot up.

And in some ways, this is a really good thing.

Online dating and dating apps have helped a lot of people.

And I think that the added freedom

that online dating has provided has been especially helpful

for people in marginalized groups

who might not have found their partners otherwise.

But there are some alarming negative trends

that are impacting the way

that we live our romantic lives today.

- Hey, Big Thinkers.

Did you know that people who use dating apps are more likely

to be distressed, anxious, or depressed?

In fact, one study found that users

of swipe-based dating apps face three times the amount

of stress compared to non-users.

Taking care of your mental health isn't just important

for your overall well-being.

It can be a key factor in improving your dating life

and relationships.

Therapy is an effective way to work through these problems,

but it turns out therapy has some issues of its own:

like finding the right therapist,

fitting into their schedule, getting into their office,

and of course, the cost.

Today's sponsor, BetterHelp, was created

to help solve these problems

because you deserve to focus on yourself

and make your well-being a priority.

BetterHelp is convenient, built around your schedule,

and surprisingly affordable.

Start by filling out a brief questionnaire to be matched

with a licensed therapist who fits your needs

and preferences, and connect with them by phone, video,

chat, or messaging.

If you're not comfortable with your therapist,

you can change at any point at no additional cost.

Let BetterHelp connect you to a therapist

who can provide the support you need,

all from the comfort of your home.

You can go to betterhelp.com/bigthink

or choose "Big Think" during sign-up

to save 10% on your first month.

- For pretty much all of history, people met their partners

through their community, their family, or friends-

dating apps has changed all of that.

You can meet someone totally independent

of your normal circles,

and you can date them without supervision.

But there is something of a downside

to all of this privacy too.

There's a distinct lack of accountability.

You can ghost someone or be ghosted.

You can send someone a pic of your genitalia

and know that they can't tell anyone about it

because who would they tell?

People behave, I would say, worse

when they're online dating,

in part because they're not afraid

that their behavior will get out.

And some of the stats bear this out.

In a recent survey by Pew Research, 56% of women say

that they had been sent a sexually explicit image

or an image that they otherwise didn't ask

for while dating online.

And over 40% of women say

that they had been contacted persistently by somebody

who they had attempted to cut off contact with before.

37% of women say

that they've been called an offensive name

while online dating.

And 11% say that they've actually received threats

of physical harm.

Of course, it isn't just women feeling the downsides

of dating app pressures.

64% of men say that they've been made to feel insecure

by the lack of messages that they've received.

And I think that there's something about the level

of rejection and constant negativity

that some people feel experiencing the apps

that actually contributes to a sense of, sort of, malaise

when it comes to online dating.

I'm not sure that humans were really built

to receive the amount of 'in-your-face rejection'

that a dating app can give.

The number of people you simply don't match with who-

it's easy to internalize-

just don't like you as a person.

And then there are also what I would call

'the habits of mind'

that using dating apps tends to inculcate.

Dating apps like Tinder and Bumble

and Hinge are set up to sort of 'gamify' dating:

swipe left or swipe right on this deck of cards

covered in hot people.

And it can foster this feeling that there are hundreds,

thousands, millions of people out there,

so why settle for anyone

who doesn't match your specifications perfectly?

Of course, there may be millions of people out there,

but that doesn't mean that you can

or should date all of them.

But dating apps do give the illusion

that there is always something better out there;

that there's no reason to put work into one relationship

that isn't perfect when you could just find another one

and start over again.

And I think that that may contribute

to a delay in settling down for some people.

And then of course, with dating apps,

pictures are incredibly prominent,

and often people are judging based on just appearance.

If you have a flattering profile pic,

if you can take a good selfie,

you're much likely to get a positive swipe.

But this really cuts against people who, hey,

may not be great with a camera,

but have other excellent qualities

that don't necessarily show up well on a dating app.

And it's actually men who complain the most about this.

When people filter, often thoughtlessly,

for things like height, say,

somebody who doesn't meet those exact specifications,

but could be great

and perhaps a perfect match in many other areas,

never gets a chance to shine.

And then finally, when you think about dating apps

and how you are sort of looking through people's

kind of marketing bios of themselves:

the best picture,

their maybe one line of text that a Tinder or Bumble allows,

you begin to look at people as objects.

And at the same time, if you're on a dating app,

you may be marketing yourself as an object too.

So, how can we be more ethical when we're dating

and having sex?

In my book "Rethinking Sex,"

I talk about the idea of 'willing the good of the other,'

which I think of as kind of a broad ethic for romantic

and, frankly, other partnerships.

The idea is that you try

and think of the other person's good,

and rank it as highly as you would your own.

It's something of the 'golden rule,' but kind of an omnibus.

I think that we have to work really hard to treat people

as ends, and not just means.

We can think more about emotional intimacy.

We can have more respect for commitment,

and more respect for other people's boundaries;

to respect them as humans, not just images on a screen.

And I will also say,

that online dating doesn't necessarily have to take

the place of meeting someone in person.

Yes, it is hard to approach someone

in the supermarket or at a bar.

The idea of building up the bravery

and the social ability that it takes to talk to strangers,

that's a healthy thing,

whether you're using it for dating or not.

Or, you could just keep swiping,

and see if anything turns up.

- If you've ever used a dating app yourself,

what was the experience like?

- Oh, God, it's a dumpster fire.