Unhealed Fearful Avoidant: Identifying Healthy Relationship Feelings | HealingFa.com

Summary

In this video, Paulien discusses the unique experience of a healthy relationship for those with fearful avoidant attachment styles who haven't healed yet. She reveals that such relationships may feel unexpectedly boring due to their stability, which contrasts with the drama and emotional extremes they might be used to. Paulien shares her personal journey, including her past feelings of boredom and restlessness in her relationship with her now-husband, Arjen. She emphasizes the importance of a stable foundation for love to grow and the realization that the 'boring' relationship was actually a sign of health. She also touches on the challenges of receiving unconditional love and the misconceptions that can arise from an unhealed attachment style. The video offers insights into recognizing and appreciating the true nature of a healthy, loving partnership.

Takeaways

• 🔍 For a fearful avoidant individual who hasn't healed yet, a healthy relationship might feel boring due to its stability and lack of emotional extremes.
• 🌟 The absence of high highs and low lows can be perceived as a lack of excitement, contrasting with the expected passion and drama.
• 💔 There's an internal conflict where the fear of not deserving love or the belief that love should be hard-earned can lead to annoyance at a partner's unconditional kindness.
• 🤔 The fear of missing out on the 'dopamine hit' from highs and lows can make a stable relationship feel incomplete or less fulfilling.
• 🌱 Healing from a fearful avoidant attachment style involves learning to appreciate the stability and depth of love in a healthy relationship.
• 🏠 A solid and stable foundation in a relationship is essential for love to grow, much like a house needs a strong base to stand the test of time.
• 🔁 The speaker's personal journey included a realization that her boredom and restlessness were signs of her own attachment issues, not a reflection of her partner's qualities.
• 🤝 Recognizing and addressing one's own attachment style and healing from it can lead to a more fulfilling and stable relationship experience.
• 🧠 The fear brain's obsession with checking a partner's motives can distract from the need to heal one's own attachment style and allow love in.
• ⏰ Being present in the moment and not comparing one's relationship to others or past experiences can alleviate the feeling of missing out and lead to greater happiness.

Q & A

What does a healthy relationship feel like for someone with an unhealed fearful avoidant attachment style?

For someone with an unhealed fearful avoidant attachment style, a healthy relationship may feel boring because it lacks the high highs and low lows they are accustomed to, and it is stable with a partner who is consistently committed, loyal, open, and available.

Why might a fearful avoidant person feel bored in a healthy relationship?

A fearful avoidant person might feel bored in a healthy relationship because they are used to seeking the high of approval and the low of rejection, which is not present in a stable, healthy relationship.

What was Paulien's experience with her boyfriend, now husband, when she was in a crash state of her fearful attachment style?

Paulien felt bored in her relationship with her boyfriend, now husband, and sought attention from other guys for the high of approval. She mistakenly thought the lack of drama and excitement meant the relationship was not passionate enough.

How does Paulien describe the foundation of a healthy relationship for fearful avoidants?

Paulien describes the foundation of a healthy relationship as stable and safe, which may feel boring to unhealed fearful avoidants but is actually the perfect base for love to grow on.

What is the significance of a stable foundation in a relationship according to the script?

A stable foundation in a relationship is significant because it allows for the growth of love and provides a depth and richness that is not possible on an unstable basis, similar to building a house on a solid foundation.

Why might a fearful avoidant person feel that their partner is 'too sweet' in a healthy relationship?

A fearful avoidant person might feel that their partner is 'too sweet' because they are not used to receiving unconditional love and kindness without having to work for it, which can feel undeserved and overwhelming.

What is the potential issue with a partner who is anxiously preoccupied in their attachment style?

A partner who is anxiously preoccupied might be overly pleasing and sweet, which can come across as manipulative because they need the other person to feel good so that they can feel good themselves.

Why did Paulien decide to work on herself for a year?

Paulien decided to work on herself for a year because she had intense doubts about her relationship and realized that she might have a hard time allowing love in, rather than the relationship itself being the problem.

How did Paulien's perspective on her relationship change after working on herself?

After working on herself, Paulien was able to receive her partner's love more, started liking him more, and allowed more feelings, leading to a deeper love and a realization that she was not missing out on anything.

What does Paulien suggest is the key to overcoming the feeling of missing something in a healthy relationship?

Paulien suggests that being present in the moment and not comparing one's relationship to others or to past or future scenarios is key to overcoming the feeling of missing something and finding fulfillment in the current relationship.

What is the 'Healed and Happy' program mentioned in the script?

The 'Healed and Happy' program is an online program that Paulien refers to, which likely focuses on helping individuals heal their attachment styles and achieve happiness in their relationships.