"No, You're Not Slim Shady" - Tom Papa - Full Special

Summary

In this Comedy Central special, Tom Papa delivers a humorous take on marriage, parenting, and growing up. He jokes about the challenges of being married, the pressure of having kids, and the awkwardness of being an uncle. Papa also reminisces about his childhood, dealing with bullies, and his experiences with sports and school. He touches on the absurdity of modern parenting, the trials of flying, and the peculiarities of staying in hotels. Throughout, he emphasizes the importance of love and maintaining a sense of humor in life's journey.

Takeaways

• 🎤 Tom Papa's comedy routine revolves around his experiences as a married man, his reluctance to have children, and his humorous views on life.
• 💔 Tom jokes about the challenges of marriage, including the secrets partners take with them when they leave, making breakups unsettling.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 He expresses his lack of desire for children, preferring the company of his nieces and nephews without the responsibility.
• 🏠 Tom's childhood anecdotes include being teased for his appearance and his family's unique approach to dealing with his weight.
• 🏃‍♂️ He humorously recounts his father's attempts to get him into sports, despite his lack of athletic ability and fear of embarrassment.
• 🎥 Tom reflects on aging and losing 'coolness,' using his love for MTV and his changing social life as examples.
• 🏨 He shares his discomfort with staying in hotels, imagining the previous occupants' activities and the potential for unsanitary conditions.
• 📸 Tom talks about the futility of taking pictures during vacations, as people often don't want to see them, and his father's quirky approach to photography.
• 💏 He emphasizes the importance of working on a relationship, including trying new things and not letting small issues lead to breakups.
• 🐱 Tom humorously compares his wife's love for cats to his preference for dogs, highlighting the differences in their personalities and behaviors.
• 🚀 Tom ends his routine with a joke about the mysterious nature of cats and a playful reference to their mating habits.

Q & A

What is the setting of Tom Papa's comedy special?

The setting is New York City, as indicated by the announcer at the beginning of the transcript.

How does Tom Papa describe his relationship with his wife?

Tom Papa describes his relationship with his wife as happy and loving, mentioning that he fell in love with her the minute he saw her.

What is Tom Papa's stance on having children?

Tom Papa expresses uncertainty about having children, stating that while he loves his nieces and nephews, he is not a big fan of kids and would rather have lobsters chewing on his balls.

What was Tom Papa's experience with his father trying to get him into sports?

Tom Papa's father put him in track and wrestling, which were not enjoyable experiences for him due to his weight and lack of athletic ability.

How does Tom Papa feel about aging and being 'cool'?

Tom Papa acknowledges that he is no longer cool and that it's okay because he was cool in his younger days. He suggests that people should find something new to be as they age.

What is Tom Papa's opinion on modern parenting and kids' sports?

He criticizes the modern approach to kids' sports where there are no outs and everyone gets to hit every inning, arguing that it doesn't teach kids about winning and losing.

How does Tom Papa describe his fear of flying?

Tom Papa expresses his fear of flying through a series of humorous anecdotes, including a story about a flight with a mechanic who seemed unqualified and a child who loudly expressed fear during takeoff.

What is Tom Papa's take on hotels and cleanliness?

He finds staying in hotels creepy due to the fact that many people have been in the rooms before him, and he jokes about the disgusting things people do in hotels that they wouldn't do at home.

How does Tom Papa feel about taking pictures during trips?

He admits to taking a lot of pictures but acknowledges that nobody really wants to see them. He also humorously criticizes his father's attempts at taking funny photos.

What advice does Tom Papa give about maintaining a relationship?

He advises not to break up over little things and to let the small issues slide, emphasizing the importance of love and working at it.

How does Tom Papa describe his wife's cats?

He describes the cats as mysterious and secretive, contrasting them with dogs, which he prefers. Despite not liking cats, he accepts them because his wife loves them.

Outlines

00:00

🎤 Tom Papa's Stand-Up Comedy

Tom Papa opens his comedy set in New York City with a lively greeting and a joke about his marriage. He humorously discusses the pressure of being married, his previous failed marriage, and the secrets that partners take with them after a breakup. He also talks about the expectations of having children, his reluctance to have his own, and the chaos that comes with nieces and nephews. The comedy continues with stories from his childhood, including being teased at school and his father's attempts to get him into sports, which only led to more embarrassment.

05:01

🏃‍♂️ Childhood Sports and Growing Up

Tom shares his experiences of being put into track and wrestling as a child, highlighting the challenges of being overweight and self-conscious. He humorously recounts a wrestling match against a much older and heavier opponent, and his general lack of interest in sports. He also talks about his nephews' love for baseball and the changes in the game, as well as his own unfulfilled dream of becoming an astronaut, which his parents dismissed due to his physical appearance.

10:04

✈️ Flights, Fears, and Hotel Horrors

Tom discusses his fear of flying and the anxiety-inducing experiences he's had with budget airlines and their lack of professionalism. He humorously describes a flight where a mechanic with dreadlocks was called to fix the plane, and the discomfort of dealing with crying babies on flights. He also shares his aversion to staying in hotels, the unsanitary habits of hotel guests, and his upcoming anniversary trip with his wife, which he finds awkward due to the social interactions involved.

15:05

📸 Vacations, Photography, and Love

Tom talks about his love for warm places during winter and his habit of taking pictures during vacations, despite knowing that no one really wants to see them. He humorously addresses the awkwardness of having his photo taken and his father's wacky approach to photography. The segment transitions into a discussion about the importance of love and maintaining a relationship, including the challenges of keeping it fresh and the silliness of role-playing and talking during sex.

20:06

🐱 Pets, Love, and Compromise

Tom wraps up his set with a reflection on the love for pets, particularly his wife's cats, which he has grown to appreciate despite not being a cat person. He humorously compares cats to dogs and the different traits he associates with them. He ends with a joke about the mysterious nature of cats and a reminder to not let little things ruin a relationship, emphasizing the importance of love and compromise.

Keywords

💡Comedy

Comedy is a genre of entertainment characterized by humor and intended to amuse and entertain an audience. In this video, comedy is the central theme as Tom Papa uses humor to share personal stories and observations. For example, he jokes about his arranged marriage due to drugs and alcohol, which is a comedic take on a serious topic.

💡Marriage

Marriage is a legally or formally recognized union of two people. In the context of the video, Tom Papa discusses his own marriage, the challenges of maintaining a relationship, and the humorous aspects of being married. He uses his marriage as a source of comedic material, such as when he mentions his wife reminding him of past failed attempts at intimacy.

💡Parenting

Parenting refers to the process of raising and nurturing children. Tom Papa contemplates the idea of having children, expressing his ambivalence and the pressure from others to procreate. He humorously compares the challenges of parenting to his experiences with his nieces and nephews, highlighting the lack of privacy and the chaos that children can bring into one's life.

💡Childhood

Childhood is the period of a person's life between birth and adolescence. Tom Papa reflects on his own childhood experiences, such as being teased at school and participating in sports, which he found embarrassing. These anecdotes serve as a source of humor and relatability for the audience, as many people have similar experiences from their childhoods.

💡Friendship

Friendship is a bond of mutual affection between people. In the video, Tom Papa discusses the changes in friendships as one gets older, noting that the number of close friends tends to decrease. He humorously describes how friends react to his marriage and move to a new neighborhood, which is perceived as a 'gay area,' leading to a decrease in visits.

💡Travel

Travel involves moving from one place to another, often for leisure or work. Tom Papa shares his experiences with flying and staying in hotels, using these situations to create comedic stories about the awkwardness and discomfort that can arise during travel. His anecdotes about airline mishaps and hotel cleanliness add humor to the common anxieties associated with travel.

💡Sexuality

Sexuality refers to a person's sexual orientation, preferences, and behaviors. In the context of the video, Tom Papa humorously addresses the topic of sexuality within marriage, discussing the need for variety and the challenges of keeping a sexual relationship fresh and exciting. He uses humor to navigate the sensitive subject, such as when he talks about his wife's request for role-playing.

💡Pets

Pets are domesticated animals kept for companionship and pleasure. Tom Papa uses his wife's cats as a source of humor, discussing the differences between cats and dogs, and his personal preference for dogs. His anecdotes about pets serve to highlight the cultural and personal differences in attitudes towards animals.

💡Work

Work refers to the activities involved in or the effort spent in doing a task or tasks. Tom Papa touches on the topic of work in relation to his father's use of a digital camera, humorously describing his father's attempts to take funny photos, which often result in awkward situations. This reflects the common experience of balancing work and personal life.

💡Age

Age refers to the length of time that has elapsed since a person was born. Tom Papa discusses the impact of age on social interactions, friendships, and personal interests, humorously noting that as people get older, they often become less 'cool' and their social circles shrink. His observations on aging provide a comedic perspective on the inevitable changes that come with growing older.

💡Fear

Fear is an emotional response to perceived danger or threat. In the video, Tom Papa uses fear as a comedic device, discussing his childhood fears and the anxieties associated with flying and staying in hotels. His jokes about fear help to normalize these common anxieties and provide a humorous outlet for the audience to relate to.

Highlights

Tom Papa's comedy routine starts with a humorous acknowledgment of his married status.

He jokes about the pressure of being married, referencing a previous failed marriage.

Tom humorously discusses the challenges of keeping secrets after a breakup.

He contemplates the idea of having kids, expressing his mixed feelings about parenthood.

Tom shares his experiences of being teased at school, including his large head and weight.

He pokes fun at the modern approach to children's sports, where no one keeps score.

Tom recounts his father's attempts to get him into sports, leading to embarrassing moments.

He reflects on his loss of 'coolness' as he ages, using MTV as a metaphor.

Tom talks about the diminishing number of friends as one gets older.

He humorously addresses the stereotypes associated with living in a 'gay area'.

Tom shares a comical story about a terrifying flight experience.

He expresses his discomfort with staying in hotels due to the unknown activities of previous guests.

Tom discusses the awkwardness of taking and showing off vacation photos.

He jokes about the challenges of maintaining a romantic relationship, including the need for new 'tricks'.

Tom humorously addresses the topic of role-playing in relationships.

He shares his wife's love for cats, despite his personal preference for dogs.

Tom concludes his routine with a piece of advice on not breaking up over small issues.

Transcripts

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

ANNOUNCER>> FROM NEW YORK CITY,

COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS:

TOM PAPA.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

TOM>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

GREAT!

YOU EXCITED FOR THE BIG SHOW?

YEAH.

I SEE YA LOOKING, LADIES,

BUT I'M SORRY, I'M MARRIED.

I KNOW, IT'S HARD FOR ME, TOO.

HAVING TO PARADE THIS MAN CANDY

AROUND IN FRONT OF ALL OF YOU.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

KNOWING I CAN'T GIVE YOU A LICK.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

BUT WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS.

LOVE MY GIRL.

DO.

HAPPILY MARRIED.

FELL IN LOVE WITH HER THE MINUTE

I SAW HER PLACE.

(LAUGHTER)

A LOT OF PRESSURE THOUGH.

I WAS MARRIED ONCE BEFORE.

IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I WAS YOUNG AND STUPID.

IT WAS AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE.

PUT TOGETHER BY DRUGS AND

ALCOHOL.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NEVER WORKS OUT.

I LIKE IT, THOUGH.

IT'S GOOD BEING MARRIED.

YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE A LONG TIME,

IT'S NICE.

YOU BREAK UP, IT'S HORRIBLE.

IT'S HURTFUL.

NOT BECAUSE OF THE EMOTIONS.

YOU CAN GET OVER THAT.

IT'S ALL THE SECRETS THEY TAKE

WITH THEM WHEN THEY GO.

VERY UNSETTLING AFTER A

BREAK UP, KNOWING THERE'S

SOMEBODY CIRCULATING FREELY

OUT THERE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE

THAT YOU LIKE TO BE SPANKED

WITH A NAKED G.I. JOE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S NEXT?

KIDS?

EVERYONE WANTS US TO BREED.

I DON'T KNOW-- NOT A BIG FAN

OF THE KIDS, FRANKLY.

YEAH.

I'VE GOT TONS OF NIECES

AND NEPHEWS.

I LOVE THEM, I DO.

SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT

HAVING MY OWN.

YOU KNOW, I BABYSIT THEM A LOT,

YOU KNOW?

AT THE END OF THE DAY,

I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE LOBSTERS

CHEWING ON MY BALLS.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY DON'T LISTEN.

THEY COME TO MY HOUSE.

THEY BREAK STUFF.

I KNOW, IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN

THEY'RE YOURS.

YEAH.

'CAUSE THEN YOU CAN HIT THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

AS AN UNCLE, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

JUST TRIP THEM AS THEY GO BY.

WELL, THAT'S KARMA, BILLY,

YOU DO BAD THINGS, BAD THINGS

HAPPEN TO YOU.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

YOU CAN'T TEASE THEM ANYMORE

NOW.

YOU CALL THEM A NERD,

THEY WANT TO GET ALL CRAZY.

COME ON, ISN'T THAT WHY YOU

GO TO SCHOOL?

RIGHT?

TO LEARN THAT PEOPLE ARE MEAN

AND NASTY, AND ARE GONNA MOCK

YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT WHEN YOU'RE

FOUR.

YOU'RE HOME, EVERYONE LOVES YOU.

MOM LOVES YOU.

DAD LOVES YOU.

THE CAT LOVES YOU.

THEN YOU GET TO SCHOOL--

THE KIDS COME RUNNING IN...

WHY DOES YOUR EYE DO THAT?

(LAUGHTER)

EWWW!

LOOK AT THIS GUY'S EYE.

HEY, GOOGLY EYE, AAHHH!

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

WE ALL CATCH IT.

WE ALL GO THROUGH THAT.

I DID IN THIRD GRADE,

I HAD THE SAME SIZED HEAD I HAVE

RIGHT NOW.

(AUDIENCE CLAPS)

DON'T CLAP FOR THAT--

THAT'S A HORRIBLE THING I WENT

THROUGH!

IT SUCKS HAVING A BIG HEAD

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING

ABOUT IT.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

GO IN THE GYM?

(LAUGHTER)

JUMP ON THE HEAD MACHINE?

MY FRIENDS WOULD TELL ME:

PUT ON A HAT.

PUT ON A HAT?

THAT'S LIKE PUTTING GLITTER

ON A PIMPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS FAT AS A KID, TOO.

THAT DIDN'T HELP AT ALL.

BIG, FAT KID.

MY MOM LOVED ME.

EVERYDAY FOR LUNCH, THREE SALAMI

SANDWICHES.

THREE.

YEAH.

THE OTHER KIDS DIDN'T LET THAT

SLIDE.

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALLED ME?

TOMMY SALAMI.

THAT'S NOT A NICKNAME FOR A

THIRD GRADER.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL A MAFIA

HIT MAN.

(LAUGHTER)

OR PORN STAR.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS FAT.

MOST KIDS ARE SCARED OF MONSTERS

OR THE BOOGIE MAN.

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT SCARED ME?

THAT ROPE IN GYM CLASS.

OH, I KNEW I COULDN'T HAUL

MY CHUBBY ASS UP THAT ROPE.

I USED TO HAVE NIGHTMARES.

I'D GET HALF WAY UP AND SLIDE

DOWN AND SMELL LIKE BACON.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHEN WAS AT MY FATTEST,

MY DAD GETS THIS IDEA.

HE'S GOING TO PUT ME IN SPORTS.

YEAH.

FIGURING THAT'S A GOOD PLACE

TO LOSE MY SELF ESTEEM, I GUESS.

HE PUT ME IN TRACK.

WHAT A HORRIBLE SPORT THAT IS,

YOU KNOW?

I'M FAT, I HAVE A BIG HEAD

AND NOW I'M IN SHORTS IN PUBLIC.

NOW I'M AS GOOD AS THE GUY

WHO HITS THAT GUN.

I GOT TO START RUNNING LIKE A

JACKASS.

WHY?

WHY?

TO BE FIRST?

I DON'T WANT TO BE FIRST.

I WANT TO BE HOME, EATING CHEESE

DOODLES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEN HE PUTS ME WRESTLING.

THAT'S A TREAT WHEN YOU'RE

TWELVE, FAT AND SQUISHY.

'CAUSE THEY MAKE YOU THE

HEAVYWEIGHT AS SOON AS YOU GET

THERE.

THEY'RE LIKE, 105, 110,

LARD ASS, PERFECT.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY PUT ME IN A VAN.

AND THEY TOOK ME TO PASCATOWAY

NEW JERSEY TO WRESTLE THEIR

HEAVYWEIGHT.

YEAH.

I BET YOU'RE ANOTHER FAT KID?

TWELVE YEARS OLD, THIS KID HAD A

BEARD AND MUSTACHE.

HIS KIDS WERE WATCHING FROM

THE BLEACHERS.

IN TWO SECONDS FLAT,

I WAS ON MY BACK, HIS NUTS IN MY

FACE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE, GREAT, THANKS, DAD.

(APPLAUSE)

HORRIBLE.

MY NEPHEWS LOVE IT.

THEY PLAY THE BASEBALL.

LOVE THE BASEBALL.

I WOULD, TOO, NOW.

THERE'S NO OUTS WHEN YOU PLAY

BASEBALL NOW--

ARE YOU AWARE OF THAT?

NO OUTS.

SO EVERY KID GETS TO HIT

EVERY INNING.

THEY DON'T EVEN KEEP SCORE

SO NOBODY WINS OR LOSES

AND WE ALL GO HOME HAPPY.

WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?

WE WERE TOLD WHAT WE WERE

GOOD AT.

I WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT.

MY PARENTS CAME TO ME,

YOU CAN'T.

YOU'RE ALMOST RETARDED-

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND YOUR HEAD WON'T FIT

IN THE HELMET.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

TOM>> I DON'T KNOW--

MAYBE I'LL HAVE KIDS--

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M COOL ANYMORE.

I'M NOT COOL AT THIS POINT,

IT'S OVER.

IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S GONNA CRAMP

MY STYLE AT THIS POINT.

WERE YOU EVER COOL, SIR?

NO?

SEE?

YOU'RE OKAY.

YOU WERE NEVER COOL--

NOW YOU CAN BE THE SAME GUY YOUR

WHOLE LIFE.

I WAS COOL, NOW I GOTTA BE

SOMETHING NEW.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I KNOW I'M OUT OF IT.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?

I STILL WATCH THE MTV.

LOVE THE MTV.

BUT IT BECOMES THE MONITOR FOR

HOW OUT OF IT YOU HAVE BECOME.

IT'S TRUE.

WHEN I WAS TWENTY, I'D WATCH

SPRING BREAK.

IT WAS NICE.

GIRLS IN THONG BIKINIS.

WEEEE.

GUYS POPPING BEERS, POURING THEM

ON HER ASS.

WEEEE.

WHEN I WAS TWENTY, I MIGHT GO.

GET A COUPLE FRIENDS,

I'D BE IN FLORIDA IN WHAT?

TWO, THREE DAYS.

NOW IF I SHOWED UP, MTV SECURITY

WOULD TAP ME ON THE SHOULDERS.

SIR, PUT YOUR SHIRT ON.

(LAUGHTER)

GO HOME TO YOUR WIFE.

THIS IS EMBARRASSING.

NO, YOU'RE NOT SLIM SHADY.

(LAUGHTER)

I NEED A VH1 SPRING BREAK,

YOU KNOW?

WE'RE GOING TO FLORIDA.

GET TO SOUTH CAROLINA,

JUST STOP.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLES AND CHEERS)

GET OUT OF THE CAR, POP A BEER,

POUR IT ON MY OWN ASS.

HANG OUT, SING JOURNEY TUNES.

WHEW!

WHEW!

WHEW.

LET'S GO HOME.

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

AND I WANT TO GET HOME EARLY

ON SUNDAY.

I HATE GETTING HOME LATE

ON SUNDAY.

'CAUSE THEN YOU GO TO WORK EARLY

ON MONDAY.

IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A

DAY OFF.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

LESS FRIENDS, TOO.

EVERY YEAR YOU'RE ALIVE,

LESS FRIENDS.

IT'S AMAZING.

ASK ANYBODY OVER 30.

IF THEY TELL YOU THEY HAVE MORE

THAN TEN FRIENDS, YOU KNOW

THEY'RE COUNTING CO-WORKERS.

ALL MY FRIENDS ALL SPLIT AS SOON

AS I GOT MARRIED--

LIKE RATS LEAVING A SINKING

SHIP.

FIRST, 'CAUSE WE GOT MARRIED,

AND THEN WE MOVED

TO CHELSEA HERE IN THE CITY.

AND THEY ALL FREAKED OUT:

TOM, YOU'RE LIVING IN THE GAY

AREA.

HOW ARE WE GOING TO VISIT YOU

IN THE GAY AREA?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, THOUGH,

A GAY AREA.

WHAT ARE ALL THE SQUIRRELS

RUNNING AROUND IN FUSCHIA

JUMPSUITS IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD?

THE MAILMEN COME WITH THE MAIL:

HERE'S MAIL FOR YOU, AND YOU,

AND YOU.

MAIL, MAIL, MAIL.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLES AND CHEERS)

PROBABLY WON'T LIVE TO BE VERY

OLD, LIVING IN NEW YORK, THOUGH.

SCARY PLACE TO LIVE,

DON'T YOU AGREE?

NOT BECAUSE OF THE CRIME--

THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

IT'S THREAT OF THE TERRORIST

STUFF.

'CAUSE EVERY TIME SOME WACKO

ROUND THE WORLD WANTS TO MAKE A

POINT, FOR SOME REASON THEY COME

TO MANHATTAN.

WITH PLANS TO BLOW STUFF UP.

AND THEY ALWAYS SAY THEY WANT TO

GET BACK AT AMERICANS BY BLOWING

UP THE SUBWAYS.

HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE SUBWAYS?

(LAUGHTER)

THERE'S HARDLY AN AMERICAN DOWN

THERE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THERE'S GONNA BE ONE GUY

DOWN THERE WITH A BOMB--

IN THE NAME OF ALLAH,

I'M GOING TO...

MOTHER?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I ALMOST DIED RECENTLY.

LITTLE ADVICE-- DO NOT GO ON

THE INTERNET AND TRY AND SAVE

MONEY ON YOUR FLIGHTS.

CHEAP FOR A REASON.

I GET THERE-- THERE'S NOT EVEN

A NAME ON THE PLANE, IT'S JUST

A GUY IN GOGGLES, GOING,

"LET'S GO.

THIS WAY."

(LAUGHTER)

EVERY TIME, MECHANICAL PROBLEMS,

AND THEY'RE SO DUMB THAT THEY

TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT'S WRONG.

THEY'RE NOT THE BIG GUYS,

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE VERY

PROFESSIONAL--

THEY HAVE A PROBLEM,

THEY'RE DISCREET.

THEY HAVE PROBLEMS, UH--

EVERYBODY WE'RE EXPERIENCING

SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

JUST SIT TIGHT.

WE'RE GOING TO GET THIS PROBLEM

FIXED.

GET YOU TO YOUR DESTINATION

QUICKLY, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY,

AS SAFELY AS POSSIBLE.

I'M ON THIS PIECE OF CRAP

AIRLINE-- WE'RE ON THE RUNWAY,

ABOUT TO TAKE OFF,

GOOD THING WE DIDN'T TAKE OFF.

(LAUGHTER)

THE LEFT ENGINE ISN'T WORKING

WE'RE GOING TO TRY TO GET FUEL

FROM THE RIGHT ENGINE TO THE

LEFT ENGINE.

SO, IF EVERYBODY COULD JUST LEAN

TO THE LEFT.

OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET

A MECHANIC OUT HERE TO TAKE A

LOOK AT THIS.

I'M THINKING A MECHANIC ON A

JET PLANE HAS GOT TO BE SERIOUS

BUSINESS, RIGHT?

A GUY IN A CLEAN JUMPSUIT,

MILITARY HAIR CUT, M.I.T.

DEGREES.

NOT A MECHANIC, MECHANIC.

NOT A GUY WHEN HE GETS THE CALL,

IS DOING BONG HITS IN HIS SHOP

FIVE MINUTES BEFORE.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY SENT

OUT.

A WHITE GUY WITH DREAD LOCKS.

SO YOU KNOW HE MAKES A LOT OF

BAD DECISIONS.

(APPLAUSE)

THIS GUY'S ON THE PLANE FOR

2 1/2 HOURS.

THE PILOT COMES BACK: GOOD NEWS,

EVERYBODY.

THEY SAY WE'RE READY TO GO.

WHO'S THEY?

IS THE DREADLOCK GUY THEY?

THEY DON'T LOOK THAT BRIGHT.

ARE THEY COMING WITH US?

NO, THEY'RE GOING HOME BY CAR.

ONCE YOU'RE UP THERE--

EVERYBODY COMPLAINS ABOUT BABIES

CRYING.

BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY DO--

BABIES CRY.

THE KIDS THAT BOTHER ME ARE

THE ONES THAT CAN TALK.

BECAUSE THEY SAY OUT LOUD

ALL THE FEARS I'M TRYING

TO SUPPRESS.

(LAUGHTER)

ON THIS DEATH DEFYING FLIGHT

BACK HOME.

IT'S LIKE--

ALL RIGHT, LIFT OFF,

I HOPE THIS IS COOL.

KID POPS UP BEHIND ME--

"WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE REALLY REALLY HIGH!

THAT MAN TALKS LIKE A LADY.

WE'RE GONNA DIE!

WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TOM>> SCARIER THAN FLYING

FOR ME, THOUGH, IS STAYING IN

HOTELS.

THAT IS CREEPY BUSINESS,

ISN'T IT?

'CAUSE OTHER PEOPLE HAVE BEEN

IN THOSE ROOMS BEFORE ME.

A LOT OF PEOPLE.

AND PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING.

WE ALL ARE.

I AM.

YOU ARE.

YOU DEFINITELY ARE.

(LAUGHTER)

NOT NOW.

WE LOOK NICE, WE'RE OUT,

WE'RE ALL DRESSED UP.

YOU PUT ON YOUR NICE...

T-SHIRT.

LOOK GOOD.

BUT WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS.

YOU LET YOUR HAIR DOWN.

IT GETS KIND OF NASTY.

I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.

AND NO PLACE DO YOU LET YOUR

HAIR DOWN MORE THAN WHEN YOU'RE

IN A HOTEL.

LET'S FACE IT.

YOU DO THINGS IN A HOTEL YOU

WOULD NEVER THINK ABOUT DOING

IN YOUR OWN HOME.

AS SOON AS THAT DOOR SHUTS,

PANTS COME OFF.

WHOOO!

DROP STUFF ON THE FLOOR.

I AIN'T PICKING THAT CRAP UP.

SIT ON THE END OF THE BED,

CLIP YOUR TOE NAILS.

BING, BING, BING, BING, BING!

HYPOCRITES, THOUGH.

I SEE ONE HAIR IN THAT SINK...

SECURITY.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU PUT ME IN A DIRTY ROOM.

PEOPLE ARE BAD NEWS.

YOU SEE THAT REPORT THEY DID ON

THE ABC?

THEY TOOK AN ULTRA VIOLET LIGHT

THROUGH HOTELS, NICE HOTELS.

SEE HOW CLEAN THEY WERE.

THEY FOUND SPERM EVERYWHERE.

(LAUGHTER)

EVERYWHERE.

ON THE REMOTE CONTROL.

ON THE CEILING.

(AUDIENCE MEMBER GROANS)

YEAH.

WITH HOW MUCH I TRAVEL,

HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?

THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT'S

MINE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CREEPY.

IT'S THE TRUTH.

MY ANNIVERSARY'S COMING UP,

WE'RE PLANNING A ROMANTIC

GETAWAY.

YEAH.

THAT'S EVEN WORSE.

EVER TRY THAT?

YOU GO TO A BED AND BREAKFAST?

OH, YEAH, THAT'S A COMFORTABLE

MORNING, ISN'T IT?

COMING DOWN AND SHARING COFFEE

WITH ALL THE STRANGERS THAT WERE

EAVESDROPPING ON YOU THE NIGHT

BEFORE?

"WELL, GOOD MORNING, COWBOY."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GONNA EAT MY MUFFIN

IN MY ROOM.

I LIKE GOING TO PLACES THAT ARE

REALLY WARM RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

WINTER--

THAT'S NICE.

I GET OFF THE PLANE,

I'M SO WHITE, THE LOCALS THINK

I'M AN ANGEL THEY GIVE ME

TRINKETS AND THEIR DAUGHTERS--

IT'S NICE.

I STILL TAKE A LOT OF PICTURES

WHEN I'M OUT THERE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY, 'CAUSE

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THEM AT ALL.

IT COULD BE THE MOST MEANINGFUL

EXPERIENCE TO YOU IN YOUR LIFE.

NOBODY GIVES A CRAP.

AND I UNDERSTAND WHY--

'CAUSE WHEN YOU SHOW PEOPLE

PICTURES OF YOUR EXPERIENCE,

WHAT YOU'RE REALLY SAYING IS

"I'M BETTER THAN YOU.

NO, LOOK, THIS IS ME.

LOOK.

WHITE WATER RAFTING IN AUGUST.

LOOK AT THAT.

YEAH.

TWO WEEKS.

WHERE WERE YOU IN AUGUST?"

OH, WORKING, YEAH, YEAH.

OH, THAT'S WHEN THE TONER SPILT

ON YOUR SUIT?

OH, YEAH.

NOW, THAT'S ME, BETTER THAN YOU,

RIGHT THERE.

YEAH.

I GAVE MY DAD A DIGITAL CAMERA

FOR CHRISTMAS--

THAT'S A MISTAKE.

HE'S ONE OF THOSE GUYS THAT GETS

WACKY WHEN HE TAKES THE PHOTOS,

YOU KNOW?

HE CAN'T JUST SAY "CHEESE"

HE'S GOT TO GET SOMETHING CLEVER

IN THERE.

YOU KNOW, AT THE LAST MINUTE?

OKAY, GET IN, GET GRANDMA.

OKAY, ONE TWO THREE, SAY--

"DONKEY TURDS!"

YOU JUST GET BACK PICTURES OF

EVERYBODY LIKE...

NO ONE LIKES GETTING YOUR

PICTURE TAKEN.

IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.

IT'S AWKWARD.

DO YOU EVER HAVE THAT POSE THAT

YOU HIT THAT YOU THINK LOOKS

GOOD?

SO YOU TRY TO HIT THAT MARK

EVERY TIME SOMEONE SHOWS UP WITH

A CAMERA?

EVERY PICTURE OF ME BETWEEN

13 AND 17 WERE LIKE THIS...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHO'S TOMMY SALAMI NOW?

(APPLAUSE)

TOM>> WE GOTTA COME UP WITH

STUFF.

LOVE.

YOU GOTTA TRY AND WORK THAT.

I THINK THAT'S THE ANSWER.

YOU FIND SOMEONE YOU REALLY

LOVE.

IT'S NICE, RIGHT?

BUT YOU GOTTA WORK AT IT.

IT'S NOT AN EASY THING.

YOU GOTTA KEEP PRACTICING,

YOU KNOW?

WE ALL HAVE LIKE 12 SEXUAL

TRICKS IN OUR BAG.

AND YOU RUN OUT OF THOSE WHEN

YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE A LONG TIME.

IN THE BEGINNING, IT'S GREAT.

HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD

THAT--

WHEE!

LET'S DO IT DOWN HERE!

WHEE!

THEN YOU GOTTA START COMING UP

WITH NEW TRICKS, AND THAT GETS

EMBARRASSING.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE MARRIED.

IF YOU'RE DATING AND YOU TRY

SOMETHING OUT SEXUALLY,

IT DOESN'T WORK--

YOU NEVER HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER

AGAIN.

IF YOU'RE MARRIED,

THEY'LL REMIND YOU OF THAT FOR

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

YOU BE LIKE, HEY, YOU WANNA GO

TRY IT DOWNSTAIRS TONIGHT?

THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE LIKE

THE TOOL BENCH INCIDENT, IS IT?

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, IT WAS THAT BAD--

I HAVE A SCAR!

MY WIFE WANTS ME TO ROLE PLAY.

YOU EVER TRY THAT?

THE ROLE PLAY?

NO.

'CAUSE IT'S STUPID.

I'M LIKE WHO DO YOU WANT ME

TO BE?

SHE SAYS, ANYBODY BUT YOU.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M WITH HER 24 HOURS A DAY.

I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO SHOW UP:

HEY, I'M THE PLUMBER.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THE PLUMBER.

I WANT TO BE BATMAN.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE WANTS ME TO TALK DURING SEX.

I DON'T TALK.

WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?

UMM... DONE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WORDS ARE SO GOOFY, AREN'T THEY?

THEY'RE HORRIBLE--

VAGINA-- TERRIBLE WORD.

RIGHT, LADIES?

YOU KNOW A MAN CAME UP

WITH THAT.

IF A WOMAN NAMED IT,

IT'D BE BEAUTIFUL AND POWERFUL

AT THE SAME TIME.

IT'D BE LIKE--

"EXCELSIOR."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU TAKE ME SHOPPING--

I'LL SHOW YOU "EXCELSIOR."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

VAGINA?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU

CALL IN SICK WITH, DOESN'T IT?

I CAN'T COME TO WORK, DON.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I'VE GOT VAGINA!

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S ALL OVER MY FACE!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

BEST ADVICE, THOUGH--

IF YOU HAVE LOVE AND WANT TO

HANG ON TO IT--

THE BEST ADVICE SOMEONE GAVE

ME-- DON'T BREAK UP OVER LITTLE

STUFF.

LET ALL THE LITTLE STUFF SLIDE.

IT'S TRUE.

BREAK UP OVER LITTLE STUFF.

THINKING YOU'RE GONNA MEET

SOMEBODY NEW, THINKING IT'S

GONNA BE GREAT.

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FIND?

MORE CRAP.

WE'VE ALL GOT IT.

I'VE GOT IT.

MY WIFE'S GOT IT.

SHE'S GOT CATS.

TWO OF THEM.

LOVES THEM TO DEATH.

LOVES THESE CATS.

I DON'T LIKE CATS.

NEVER HAVE.

SHE LOVES THEM.

SO NOW WE'RE TOGETHER.

SO GUESS WHAT?

I LOVE THEM, TOO.

YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW LONG ARE THEY GOING TO LIVE,

ANYWAY?

TEN YEARS?

FIFTEEN YEARS?

BARRING AN "ACCIDENT" OR...

DOOR LEFT OPEN?

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT CAN HAPPEN.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I LIKE DOGS.

THEY'RE EVERYTHING YOU WANNA BE

AS MEN.

NO PANTS ON.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

BRING YOUR GIRLFRIEND OVER,

WHAT DOES YOUR DOG DO?

A HEAD RIGHT IN HER CROTCH.

AH, I THINK I LOVE YOU.

CATS ARE FEMININE.

WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM.

THEY'RE MYSTERIOUS.

THEY'RE RREEER.

VERY SECRETIVE.

RRREEEER.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A CAT HAVE

SEX.

NOBODY HAS.

THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL HASN'T

CAUGHT THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU HEAR IT.

YOU HEAR IT.

LATE AT NIGHT YOU'RE TRYING

TO SLEEP.

AAAAHHH!

OOHH, YEAH!

WHO'S YOUR DOGGY!

AAAHHH!

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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