My Palm Lines | Jana Younis | TEDxInternationalCollegeBeirut

Summary

The speaker shares a deeply personal journey with anorexia, detailing the physical and emotional toll it took, including losing over 20 kg in a year through excessive exercise and restrictive eating. They recount the struggle with distorted body image and the impact of societal pressures on their self-esteem. The narrative includes a period of self-harm and the challenges of therapy, culminating in a forced recovery that led to a painful but necessary confrontation with their eating disorder. The speaker ultimately finds value in embracing their imperfections and using their experience to help others, with gratitude towards their support system.

Takeaways

• 👨‍👩‍👧 Family members have distinct ways of using their hands, reflecting their daily routines and personalities.
• 🎹 The speaker's hands, once used for piano playing, became a symbol of their struggle with anorexia and self-harm.
• 🏃‍♀️ An intense focus on weight loss and exercise led to a significant drop in the speaker's weight, impacting their health.
• 🍽️ The speaker's relationship with food was severely distorted, viewing it as an enemy rather than a source of nourishment.
• 👧 Early exposure to weight-focused environments and diets influenced the speaker's developing self-image and eating habits.
• 🗣️ A loud internal voice drove the speaker to adhere to a strict diet and exercise regimen, exacerbating their eating disorder.
• 🏥 Despite entering therapy, the speaker initially resisted discussing their eating disorder, prolonging their struggle.
• 🔁 The recovery process was not linear, with the speaker experiencing multiple setbacks and a deep sense of guilt and shame.
• 💊 Medical intervention, including medication and therapy, became part of the speaker's journey towards recovery.
• 🤝 Support from a therapist, psychiatrist, family, and friends played a crucial role in the speaker's acceptance of their condition and the beginning of healing.
• 💪 The speaker's scars now serve as a reminder of their past struggles and a symbol of strength and the promise of a better future.

Q & A

What is the significance of the calluses on the speaker's arms?

The calluses on the speaker's arms symbolize the physical manifestations of their struggles, representing the hardships they've endured, likely due to their eating disorder.

Why does the speaker mention their mother's and father's hands?

The speaker contrasts their own hands with those of their parents to highlight the different stories and experiences each set of hands tells, emphasizing the contrast between their own struggles with an eating disorder and the more typical, nurturing roles their parents' hands play.

What does the speaker reveal about their own hands and their past?

The speaker's hands are described as soft and fragile, with bitten-down nails and visible veins, indicative of their past struggles with anorexia, where they lost over 20 kg in a year through excessive exercise, laxative abuse, and calorie counting.

How did the speaker's eating disorder affect their social life?

The speaker's eating disorder led to social isolation, as they avoided plans involving food due to fear and a distorted perception of food as an enemy.

What was the turning point for the speaker on August 9th, 2021?

August 9th, 2021, marked the day the speaker decided to fully commit to their eating disorder, obeying the voice in their head that told them to count calories, restrict food intake, and exercise excessively.

Why did the speaker initially refuse to discuss their eating disorder in therapy?

The speaker refused to talk about their eating disorder in therapy because they were still deeply entrenched in the disordered behaviors and mindset, and pivoting the conversation was a way to avoid confronting the issue.

What was the speaker's experience during the forced recovery period?

During the forced recovery period, the speaker experienced constant pain and agony, feeling trapped in a cycle of thoughts and struggling to gain weight and eat enough.

How did the speaker's perspective on their eating disorder change over time?

The speaker's perspective shifted as they began to accept and embrace parts of themselves beyond their perfectionism and pain, realizing that their value does not come from being skinny or perfect, and that they don't need to be a slave to the scale.

What role did the speaker's support system play in their recovery?

The speaker's therapist, psychiatrist, family, and friends played a crucial role in their recovery by providing support, guidance, and a safe space to confront and overcome their eating disorder.

What does the speaker consider their scars to represent at the end of their journey?

The speaker views their scars as a reminder of their struggles, a testament to their strengths, and a promise of the person they were becoming, signifying a transformation from shame to acceptance and resilience.

Outlines

00:00

🤲 Journey Through Anorexia and Self-Harm

The speaker shares a deeply personal narrative about their struggle with anorexia and self-harm. They describe the physical manifestations of their condition, such as calluses on their arms and bitten-down nails, which contrast with the softness and fragility of their hands due to the disorder. The story unfolds with the recounting of their decision to engage in life-threatening behaviors on August 9th, 2021, as they succumbed to the voice in their head that dictated their eating disorder. The narrative details their avoidance of food, the fear and horror associated with it, and the relentless pursuit of thinness that was fueled by societal and personal insecurities. The speaker also touches on their initial resistance to therapy and the cyclical nature of their recovery process, which included periods of restriction, self-harm, and a continuous battle with distorted thoughts.

05:02

💪 Overcoming Anorexia: Acceptance and Recovery

In the second paragraph, the speaker discusses their ongoing journey towards recovery from anorexia. They express the internal conflict of feeling guilt, grief, and shame for not being able to maintain the eating disorder they once had. The speaker's realization that their self-worth is not tied to their pursuit of perfectionism or the number on the scale is a turning point. They acknowledge the support from their therapist, psychiatrist, family, and friends as instrumental in their acceptance of their body and the start of a new chapter. The speaker concludes with a message of hope, indicating that their scars now serve as a reminder of their struggles and strengths, and as a symbol of the person they are becoming. The narrative ends on a note of gratitude and a renewed sense of self-worth and purpose.

Keywords

💡Calluses

Calluses are areas of thickened, hardened skin that develop as a result of repeated friction or pressure on the skin. In the context of the video, the narrator mentions having calluses on their arms, symbolizing the physical toll of their struggle with an eating disorder and the various coping mechanisms they employed.

💡Anorexia

Anorexia is an eating disorder characterized by an intense fear of gaining weight, a distorted body image, and a relentless pursuit of thinness, often leading to dangerously low body weight. The video's theme revolves around the narrator's personal battle with anorexia, detailing their journey from the onset of the disorder to their eventual recovery.

💡Exercise

Exercise is a physical activity that helps maintain or improve overall health and fitness. In the video, the narrator mentions 'OV exercising' (likely excessive exercising) as a method to lose weight, highlighting the extreme measures they took to control their body image and fight against their eating disorder.

💡Laxatives

Laxatives are medications or substances that help to induce bowel movements and are used to treat constipation. The narrator's mention of abusing laxatives is an example of how individuals with eating disorders may use unhealthy and potentially dangerous methods to control their weight.

💡Calorie Counting

Calorie counting is the practice of keeping track of the number of calories consumed in food and drinks. It is often used as a tool for weight management. In the video, the narrator recounts their obsession with counting calories, which is a common behavior among individuals with eating disorders as a way to exert control over their food intake.

💡Self-Harm

Self-harm refers to the act of deliberately causing harm to oneself without the intent to die. It can take various forms, including cutting. The narrator mentions cutting as a behavior that emerged as their eating disorder progressed, illustrating the severe emotional distress and the lengths they went to cope with their disorder.

💡Therapy

Therapy is a form of treatment that aims to help individuals with psychological or emotional problems. In the video, the narrator discusses attending therapy as part of their recovery process, indicating the importance of professional support in overcoming an eating disorder.

💡Recovery

Recovery in the context of an eating disorder refers to the process of regaining physical health, mental stability, and a positive relationship with food and body image. The narrator's journey is marked by multiple attempts at recovery, emphasizing the challenging and often non-linear nature of healing from an eating disorder.

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a desire to achieve flawlessness and set exceedingly high standards for oneself. The narrator associates their pursuit of thinness with perfectionism, suggesting that this trait contributed to the development and maintenance of their eating disorder.

💡Scale

A scale, in the context of the video, refers to a device for measuring body weight. The narrator mentions being a 'slave to the number on the scale,' highlighting the obsession with weight that can be a driving factor in eating disorders.

💡Support System

A support system consists of friends, family, and professionals who provide emotional, practical, and informational support. The narrator acknowledges the role of their therapist, psychiatrist, family, and friends in their recovery, emphasizing the importance of a strong support system in overcoming an eating disorder.

Highlights

The speaker's arms are marked with calluses, symbolizing her struggles.

The mother's hands are described with freckles and red nail polish, highlighting her daily activities.

The father's hands are used for prayer, showing his concern for family and others.

The speaker's hands are soft and fragile, contrasting with her parents', indicating her different life experiences.

A history of anorexia is revealed, with a significant weight loss of over 20 kg in a year.

The speaker engaged in excessive exercise, laxative abuse, and calorie counting as part of her disorder.

The fear and horror of food and weight gain are described, emphasizing the speaker's internal conflict.

The influence of societal and familial pressures on body image and diet are discussed.

The speaker's decision to pursue a life-threatening path due to anorexia is shared.

Therapy sessions are mentioned, where the speaker initially refused to discuss her eating disorder.

A cycle of restriction and self-harm is described, illustrating the speaker's struggle with control.

The speaker's hands become a symbol of her self-harm, indicating a turning point in her narrative.

The decision to gain weight under threat of hospitalization is recounted.

The speaker's journey through recovery is described as messy and painful, with thoughts of relapse.

The realization that the speaker's value is not tied to her appearance or perfectionism is a significant insight.

The support from therapist, psychiatrist, family, and friends is acknowledged as crucial to the speaker's recovery.

The speaker's scars are redefined as a reminder of struggle, strength, and promise for the future.

The speech concludes with a message of gratitude and a renewed sense of self.

Transcripts

[Music]

my arms are stamped with calluses and I

accept every single one of

them my mother has freckles lined down

her arms and bright red Napal is

decorating her fingernails she uses her

right hand to finish up work and send

out emails and her left hand to hold a

cup of coffee she drinks throughout the

day my father puts his hand together

every night to pray for our family our

friends and the less fortunate people in

the world but my hands tell a different

story other than the coarse fingertips I

used to press down on the piano keys my

hands are soft and fragile my nails are

weak and always bitten down and my veins

shine through my pale skin after years

of suffering from an eating disorder

anorexia I lost more than 20 kg in a

year by OV exercising secretly in my

bathroom abusing

laxatives and counting my calories only

to reach one goal

skinny and when I found myself slipping

out of this cycle I began to cut and

hurt

myself when my distorted thoughts took

over I avoided plans that involved food

because my head was filled with fear and

horror of food and weight gain to me

food was the enemy so so all of this

caution was worth it because I was

finally losing the weight that weighed

down my self-esteem my whole entire

life as cliche as it sounds I've always

been insecure of the way I looked

whether genetic or Society stemmed it's

always been a pest that never seemed to

go away no matter how hard I

tried the women I grew up around were

very weight focused and diet oriented so

there was always a voice now and then

telling me to try these diets get

at 6 years old I refused to wear a

two-piece to the beach at 9 years old I

declined invitations to pool parties at

10 years old I started my first diet and

at 13 The Voice on my head was no longer

a whisper but a

[Applause]

Roar and there was a part of me that

trusted this voice a part of me that

sought comfort and satisfaction in

it August 9th

2021 the day my hands became the enemy

and the day I pursued a life-threatening

decision I would obey that voice I would

count my calories I would restrict my

food intake and I would work out as much

as I

could I stuck strongly to my decision I

did what the voice told me to do and a

few months later when I was admitted

into therapy I refused to talk about my

eating disorder and I pivot Ed the

conversation every single session so I

continued to lose weight although at

that point I had already attempted

recovery multiple

times and I know what they say recovery

isn't linear but my journey seemed like

a NeverEnding

spiral when I found myself slipping out

of this restrictive cycle that I created

for my myself my hands stabed me in the

back and I didn't know what to do was I

supposed to stop them was I supposed to

tell someone the truth when they looked

at me with a worried face and asked me

are you

okay more than a year had passed since I

took that decision and I was still

nowhere free from it it was a slippery

slope I was not content with my eating

disorder but because I did the decision

by myself I would have to dedicate

myself to it so I picked up new habits

worse habits

and in the next two months I lost more

weight than I had lost in the past 6

months

combined at this point I was on

medication I was still going to therapy

and I stopped cutting but I was still

stuck and things got

worse December 21st 2022 the day a loud

their voice took

over it was my therapist it was a threat

I'd be pulled out of school and admitted

to the hospital if I didn't gain

wait when I was first forced into

recovery I found myself in constant pain

and Agony unable to escape the world

pool of thoughts in my mind for four

months I was in partial recovery so I

wasn't gaining enough weight and I

wasn't eating enough however as I

started to go to therapy more often I

began targeting my anorex and my

sessions so I began to become more

comfortable with the approach I had to

take recovery was messy stable un

unstable painful and filled with Agony

and I always thought of relapsing and

many times I felt I was ready to do

so there was this always this underlying

sense of guilt of grief and of Shame as

though I had failed at my eating

disorder but as I began to accept and

embrace this new meme showing parts of

myself not only I enjoyed or was good at

but also devoting myself to helping

people with

anorexia I began to realize that my

value to the world doesn't come from my

perfectionism and

pain that this pursuit of skinny that I

created for myself wasn't realistic and

that I didn't have to be the prettiest

or the skinniest in my friend group to

be influential and contribute to the

world and that I didn't have to be a

slave to the number on the

[Applause]

scale and thanks to my therapist my

psychiatrist my my family and my

friends I was able to accept my scores

and start over my scars are no longer

shameful but a reminder of my struggles

my strengths and a promise of who I was

going to be thank you

[Applause]