How to let go of being a "good" person — and become a better person | Dolly Chugh

Summary

The speaker, a social scientist, discusses how our desire to be seen as 'good people' can hinder our growth. She introduces the concept of 'bounded ethicality,' which shows how our unconscious biases and need to protect our self-image can lead to unethical behavior. The speaker argues that instead of striving to be 'good,' we should aim to be 'good-ish'—acknowledging our mistakes, learning from them, and allowing ourselves the space to grow and improve ethically.

Takeaways

• 🚖 A compliment from a taxi driver made the speaker's friend feel unexpectedly great, highlighting how deeply people care about being seen as good.
• 🔍 People have different definitions of what it means to be a 'good person,' but it's a significant aspect of many people's identities.
• 🧠 The brain often operates on shortcuts, processing only 40 out of 11 million pieces of information consciously, which leads to 'bounded rationality.'
• ⚖️ 'Bounded ethicality' is a concept where the mind's shortcuts can lead to ethical mistakes, even when we think we are making good decisions.
• 🔄 Unconscious biases are examples of bounded ethicality, where associations in the brain affect decisions outside of our conscious awareness.
• 🎁 Small gifts or incentives can unconsciously influence our decision-making, showing how conflicts of interest can affect ethics.
• 🛑 Defensiveness arises when our identity as a good person is challenged, leading us to protect this identity rather than learn from mistakes.
• 📉 People tend to spiral towards less ethical behavior when not consciously reflecting on the ethical implications of their actions.
• 🌱 The speaker advocates for being a 'good-ish' person—someone who accepts their mistakes and strives to learn and improve continuously.
• 📚 Unlike other areas of life where growth is expected and sought after, people often resist the idea of growth when it comes to being a good person.

Q & A

What was the taxi driver's comment to the speaker's friend, and how did it affect her?

The taxi driver told the speaker's friend that he could tell she was a really good person. This simple comment made her feel unexpectedly good and valued.

Why do people care about being seen as a 'good person' according to the speaker?

People care about being seen as a 'good person' because their moral identity is important to them. Many individuals deeply value their self-perception and how others view them within their personal definition of what it means to be good.

What is 'bounded rationality' and how does it relate to human decision-making?

Bounded rationality is the concept that the human mind has limited processing power and storage resources, leading it to rely on mental shortcuts. This affects decision-making by causing people to make judgments with only a small portion of the information available to them.

How does 'bounded ethicality' build on the concept of bounded rationality?

Bounded ethicality builds on bounded rationality by applying the same idea to ethical decision-making. It suggests that the mental shortcuts our brain uses can lead us to make ethical mistakes, even when we are trying to act in accordance with our moral values.

Can you provide an example of 'bounded ethicality' in action?

One example of bounded ethicality is unconscious bias, where people's minds automatically associate certain groups with certain traits (e.g., associating men more with science than women), even if their conscious beliefs are egalitarian.

What role does 'unconscious bias' play in bounded ethicality?

Unconscious bias is a manifestation of bounded ethicality, where people's automatic mental associations influence their decisions and perceptions, often without them realizing it, leading to biased judgments that don't align with their conscious values.

What is the main argument the speaker makes about the concept of being a 'good person'?

The speaker argues that the attachment to being a 'good person' can actually hinder personal growth. By clinging to a narrow, binary definition of goodness, people may miss opportunities to learn from their mistakes and become better individuals.

How does the speaker suggest we redefine our approach to morality and ethics?

The speaker suggests that instead of striving to be a 'good person,' we should aim to be a 'good-ish person.' This mindset acknowledges that everyone makes mistakes, but it emphasizes learning from those mistakes and continually improving.

Why does the speaker believe that adopting a 'good-ish' mindset is more beneficial?

The speaker believes that adopting a 'good-ish' mindset is more beneficial because it allows for growth and progress. By expecting and learning from mistakes, people can become more ethical and compassionate over time, rather than being stuck in the need to protect a fixed 'good person' identity.

What does the speaker mean by the 'red zone' of defensiveness, and how does it affect ethical behavior?

The 'red zone' of defensiveness refers to the state of mind people enter when their identity as a 'good person' is challenged. In this state, people are more likely to defend themselves and justify their actions rather than reflect on their mistakes, which can prevent them from improving their ethical behavior.