Break Free from Nice Guy Syndrome | No More, Mr. Nice Guy | Dr. Robert A Glover | Book Summary

Summary

In 'No More Mr. Nice Guy,' Dr. Robert A. Glover explores the 'Nice Guy Syndrome,' a pattern of behavior where men seek approval to the detriment of their own needs. The script delves into the origins of this syndrome, typically rooted in childhood, and offers strategies for recovery, including self-approval, setting boundaries, and reclaiming personal power and masculinity. It emphasizes the importance of self-love and self-pleasure in achieving fulfilling relationships and overcoming fear to live the life one desires.

Takeaways

• 😀 The 'Nice Guy Syndrome' is a modern phenomenon where men raised to seek approval, especially from women, often end up being unhappy and unfulfilled despite their good behavior.
• 🤔 The term 'Nice Guy' can be misleading as these individuals may resort to manipulative and controlling behaviors to get what they want, contrary to their outwardly agreeable nature.
• 🔄 Recovery from 'Nice Guy Syndrome' involves becoming integrated, accepting one's imperfections, and taking responsibility for one's own needs rather than seeking external validation.
• 👶 Childhood experiences, particularly those involving feelings of abandonment or neglect, can lead to the development of 'Nice Guy Syndrome' by fostering a sense of toxic shame.
• 🙅‍♂️ To recover, men should stop seeking external validation and instead focus on self-approval, self-care, and spending time alone to understand their true selves.
• 💪 Reclaiming personal power involves surrendering control over unmanageable aspects of life, facing fears, expressing emotions, developing integrity, and setting boundaries.
• 🏋️‍♂️ Masculinity, when repressed, can lead to a lack of assertiveness and strength. Men should reconnect with other men, build physical strength, and find healthy male role models to reclaim their masculinity.
• 👫 Finding love involves self-approval and setting boundaries in relationships to create an atmosphere of respect and security, which is essential for a healthy partnership.
• 🚫 Nice Guys often struggle with sexual issues due to fear and shame. Addressing these issues requires open communication about sexuality and learning to take responsibility for one's own sexual pleasure.
• 🎯 To achieve one's desires, it's important to face fears head-on, visualize goals, and take active steps to make dreams a reality, rather than being held back by fear or settling for less.
• 📚 The script emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and change, encouraging individuals to break free from the 'Nice Guy' mold and embrace a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Q & A

What is the main premise of Dr. Robert A. Glover's 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'?

The book explores the concept of 'Nice Guy Syndrome,' where men raised to seek approval from others, especially women, often end up being unhappy and unfulfilled despite their efforts to please others.

What are some typical traits of 'Nice Guys' as described in the script?

Typical traits of 'Nice Guys' include letting partners manage everything, avoiding conflict, being overly agreeable, never saying no, suppressing their feelings, and having a hard time setting boundaries.

Why do 'Nice Guys' often resort to manipulative and controlling behavior?

They resort to such behavior as a coping mechanism because they believe that being themselves is not acceptable, and they seek validation and approval from others to feel worthy.

What is the recommended first step in recovering from 'Nice Guy Syndrome' according to the script?

The first step is to seek recovery with other men, not women, as it is believed that starting with the same gender can be more effective in addressing the issues related to 'Nice Guy Syndrome'.

How does childhood play a role in the development of 'Nice Guy Syndrome'?

Childhood experiences, such as feeling abandoned or unimportant, can lead to the development of 'toxic shame,' causing individuals to hide their true selves and seek approval from others as a way to cope.

What are some strategies to help 'Nice Guys' learn to please themselves and make themselves a priority?

Strategies include seeking self-approval, taking care of one's physical health, having alone time for self-discovery, and practicing taking responsibility for one's own needs.

How can 'Nice Guys' reclaim their personal power and masculinity?

They can reclaim personal power by surrendering control over things they can't change, expressing their feelings, facing their fears, developing integrity, and setting boundaries.

What is the connection between masculinity and the suppression of negative male traits as described in the script?

The script suggests that the suppression of negative male traits in an attempt to please women can also lead to the repression of positive aspects of masculinity, resulting in a loss of assertiveness, competitiveness, and leadership.

What are some ways to get the love and sex that 'Nice Guys' desire?

To get the love and sex they desire, 'Nice Guys' should approve of themselves, set boundaries in relationships, and choose partners who are taking responsibility for their own lives.

How does the script suggest addressing sexual issues related to 'Nice Guy Syndrome'?

The script suggests addressing sexual issues by openly discussing fears and shame about sex, learning to experience sexual pleasure without distractions such as pornography, and being clear and direct about one's sexual desires.

What final questions does the script suggest 'Nice Guys' should ask themselves about their lives?

The script suggests asking whether the life they are creating is the one they want, and if not, identifying the fears that might be holding them back from achieving their desired life.

Outlines

00:00

🚫 Overcoming the 'Nice Guy' Syndrome

This paragraph introduces the concept of the 'Nice Guy Syndrome' as described by Dr. Robert Glover in 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'. It explains how societal changes have led to the emergence of 'nice guys'—men who seek approval and aim to please others, especially women, often at the expense of their own needs and desires. The paragraph emphasizes that this behavior is counterproductive, as it does not lead to happiness or fulfillment. It also outlines the journey of self-discovery and self-love that men need to undertake to break free from this syndrome, suggesting that recovery involves accepting one's imperfections, taking responsibility for one's needs, and learning to express feelings and set boundaries.

05:01

👶 Origins of the 'Nice Guy' Behavior

The second paragraph delves into the origins of 'nice guy' behavior, tracing it back to childhood experiences. It discusses how early dependence on caregivers and the fear of abandonment can lead to the development of 'toxic shame'. This shame causes individuals to hide their true selves and seek external validation, believing that their needs and desires are unworthy or burdensome. The paragraph suggests that overcoming this involves recognizing these childhood patterns and learning to prioritize one's own needs, taking care of oneself, and spending time in introspection to understand and accept one's true identity.

10:02

💪 Reclaiming Personal Power and Masculinity

This paragraph focuses on reclaiming personal power and masculinity, which are often suppressed in 'nice guys'. It provides six actionable steps to help individuals take control of their lives, including surrendering to what cannot be controlled, facing one's fears, developing integrity, and setting boundaries. The paragraph also addresses the societal pressures that have led to the repression of traditional masculine traits and suggests that embracing masculinity in a healthy way can provide strength, discipline, and courage. It encourages men to connect with other men, build physical strength, and find positive male role models to learn about true manhood.

15:03

❤️ Seeking Love and Sexual Fulfillment

The final paragraph discusses the challenges 'nice guys' face in seeking love and sexual fulfillment. It emphasizes the importance of self-approval and setting boundaries in relationships to create an environment of respect and intimacy. The paragraph also advises against rushing into sexual relationships before truly knowing the other person. For those struggling with sexual issues, it suggests openly discussing fears and shame, learning to experience sexual pleasure independently, and not settling for less than satisfying sexual experiences. The paragraph concludes with a call to action for individuals to face their fears, take responsibility for their desires, and pursue the life they truly want.

Keywords

💡Nice Guy Syndrome

Nice Guy Syndrome refers to a psychological pattern where men believe they must seek the approval of others, especially women, to be valued. In the video, it is described as a coping mechanism stemming from childhood fears of abandonment, leading to behaviors such as avoiding conflict and suppressing one's own needs. The script uses the term to explore the negative impacts on personal relationships and self-esteem.

💡Toxic Shame

Toxic shame is a deep sense of unworthiness that can arise from early childhood experiences where a child feels responsible for negative events in their life, such as neglect or abandonment. The video script explains that this leads to the development of 'Nice Guy Syndrome,' as individuals hide their flaws and seek external validation to avoid the painful feelings associated with shame.

💡Personal Power

Personal power is the internal strength to face challenges and adversity without being controlled by fear. The video emphasizes reclaiming personal power as a crucial step in overcoming 'Nice Guy Syndrome.' It suggests that expressing one's feelings, facing fears, and developing integrity are ways to build this power.

💡Masculinity

Masculinity, in the context of the video, refers to the traditional male characteristics of strength, courage, and assertiveness. The script discusses how societal changes have led to the suppression of masculinity in 'Nice Guys,' resulting in passivity and a disconnect from male role models. It encourages men to reconnect with their masculinity to improve their self-esteem and relationships.

💡Approval Seeking

Approval seeking is the act of looking for validation from others to feel worthy or acceptable. The video script identifies this behavior as a central aspect of 'Nice Guy Syndrome,' where men constantly strive for others' approval to feel validated, often at the expense of their own needs and desires.

💡Self-Care

Self-care involves taking actions to look after one's own well-being, such as exercising, eating healthily, and getting enough sleep. The video script highlights the importance of self-care in the recovery process from 'Nice Guy Syndrome,' as it helps individuals to focus on their own needs and develop a healthier sense of self-worth.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries are the limits or rules that individuals set to protect their well-being and define their relationships with others. The script discusses the difficulty 'Nice Guys' have in setting boundaries, which contributes to their feeling of being walked over. Establishing healthy boundaries is presented as a key part of recovery.

💡Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is a form of indirect expression of negative feelings, such as resentment or frustration, often used by 'Nice Guys' as a coping mechanism. The video script points out that this behavior can be harmful, as it leads to unresolved conflicts and a lack of genuine communication.

💡Integrity

Integrity is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. The video emphasizes the importance of developing integrity as part of reclaiming personal power. It suggests that making decisions based on one's own beliefs rather than others' opinions is a way to build integrity.

💡Sexual Assertiveness

Sexual assertiveness refers to the ability to openly express one's sexual desires and needs. The script discusses how 'Nice Guys' often suppress their sexual assertiveness due to fear and shame, leading to dissatisfaction in their romantic and sexual lives. It encourages individuals to overcome these issues to have more fulfilling relationships.

💡Fear of Abandonment

Fear of abandonment is a deep-seated anxiety that one will be left alone or rejected by others. The video script explains that this fear is often rooted in childhood experiences and is a driving force behind the behaviors of 'Nice Guys.' It suggests that confronting and overcoming this fear is essential for personal growth and healthier relationships.

Highlights

Traditional family structures have changed significantly in the last five decades, leading to the emergence of 'nice guys'.

Nice guys are men who seek the approval of others, especially women, and believe they need to make others happy to be fulfilled.

Despite their nice qualities, nice guys often avoid conflict and can be manipulative and controlling to get what they want.

Recovery from 'nice guy syndrome' involves accepting oneself, including imperfections and mistakes, rather than becoming the complete opposite.

Nice guys often have difficulty setting boundaries and can become passive-aggressive due to their frustration and resentment.

The journey to recovery should start with other men, not women, as most nice guys seek approval from women.

Childhood experiences, such as feeling abandoned or shamed, can lead to the development of 'nice guy' traits.

Toxic shame, a psychological state where one believes there is something wrong with them, is a key factor in becoming a nice guy.

To recover, nice guys should stop seeking external validation and start approving of themselves.

Self-care, including exercise and healthy eating, is essential for nice guys to reclaim their personal power.

Alone time is crucial for nice guys to discover their true selves and take responsibility for their own needs.

Personal power can be reclaimed by surrendering to reality, expressing feelings, facing fears, and developing integrity.

Masculinity is not just about strength and discipline but also passion, persistence, and integrity.

Nice guys often suppress their masculinity, leading to a loss of sexual assertiveness and creativity.

To reclaim masculinity, men should connect with other men, engage in physical activities, and find healthy male role models.

Approving of oneself and setting boundaries are key to finding a fulfilling relationship.

Nice guys should avoid settling for less than good sex and learn to take responsibility for their own sexual pleasure.

Facing fears and taking responsibility for one's life is essential for nice guys to break free from their syndrome and achieve their dreams.

Transcripts

foreign

Dr Robert A Glover

No More Mr Nice Guy

a proven plan for getting what you want

in love sex and life

in the last five decades the traditional

family has changed considerably

the result is a new breed of men Dr

Glover calls them nice guys who've been

brought up believing they need the

approval of others especially women

these men are happiest when they're

making the other people happy

they avoid conflict they're peaceful and

generous and above all they want to be

different from other men

when a man demonstrates all of these

qualities in return he gets to be happy

loved and fulfilled right

unfortunately the answer to that is a

resounding no it's a complete myth

in This Blink to Dr Robert Glover's No

More Mr Nice Guy we'll explore how to

identify whether you're a so-called nice

guy and how that might have happened how

you can learn to love yourself and

regain your masculinity and finally how

to get the love and sex that you want

before we begin we publish new content

every week so be sure to subscribe to

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notified about the latest extracts our

videos can be a bit longer sometimes

because we never compromise on the

content of the book and video therefore

it's important to watch the video till

the end let's get started section one

what's a nice guy and a my one too

nice guys are everywhere

if you're listening to this chances are

that you think you're one too

typical traits of nice guys include

letting their Partners manage everything

doing anything for anyone avoiding

conflict telling people who work for

them exactly what they want to hear

avoiding rocking the boat and as a

consequence getting walked over never

saying no being dependable and reliable

suppressing their feelings the list goes

on and on but you get the picture

okay so many men have one or two of

these traits But Nice Guys well they

seem to have a considerable number but

is that such a bad thing

actually yes you see calling these men

nice guys is a bit of a misnomer they

can be anything but nice

to achieve what they want nice guys can

be dishonest secretive manipulative and

controlling

sometimes they might appear to be

generous but in reality they never give

if they don't also expect to get

they crave appreciation or some other

reciprocation in return

what's more nice guys can become passive

aggressive in their behavior venting

their frustration and resentment

and in addition to all that they also

find it difficult to set boundaries

but here's something we really should

make clear before we go much further

recovery from what Glover terms nice guy

syndrome is absolutely not about

becoming the complete opposite

it's not about not being nice anymore

it's about becoming integrated

that means accepting yourself as you are

your uniqueness assertiveness courage

passion imperfections and mistakes

it means taking responsibility for your

own needs being comfortable with your

masculinity expressing your feelings

setting those all-important boundaries

and working through conflict

put simply it means accepting your

perfect imperfection

if you're serious about breaking free

from nice guy syndrome you need to find

safe people who will help you a

therapist Therapy Group religious leader

or a close friend

Glover also says that since most nice

guys are seeking the approval of women

to be truly effective you should start

your recovery with other men not women

so before we turn to how to recover from

nice guy syndrome in the next section

we'll quickly cover how you became a

nice guy in the first place

section 2 how did I become a nice guy

Glover has spent many years working with

nice guys

his conclusion is that nice guys don't

feel that it's safe or acceptable for

them to just be who they are

they believe that being themselves is

somehow bad or even dangerous

as a consequence they become a nice guy

as a coping mechanism

but why would they believe this

well as is often the case it begins in

childhood

as babies and young children we're

entirely dependent on others to respond

to our needs promptly as a result our

greatest fear is one of abandonment

we're all pretty much egocentric at that

age too we're the center of our own

universe everything revolves around us

that generates a problem

we end up believing that we're the cause

of everything that happens around us

when we feel abandoned whether that's

when we're hungry and nobody feeds us or

cry and nobody Comforts us or worse a

parent gets angry with us neglects us

hits us or shames us our conclusion is

that we're the cause of that painful

experience

we come to believe that we can't just be

who we are there must be something wrong

with us

this psychological state has a name

toxic shame

to overcome this toxic shame we hide our

flaws we try to become what we think

others want us to be and we seek

approval from everyone around us for

doing that

and then as a consequence we expect to

get our needs met be loved and have a

great trouble-free life

but it doesn't work

so what can we do about recovering from

that

we'll find out in the next sections

section 3. how can I learn to please

myself and make myself a priority

nice guys find it impossible to believe

that anyone will like them just as they

are because of their toxic shame

so they set out on a quest

they seek approval for everything they

do

getting that approval is what to them

validates their worth

so let's look at three things you can do

today to set you on your road to

recovery

first stop seeking that external

validation

seek approval only from yourself

ask yourself questions like what do I

want does this feel right to me what

makes me happy

next take good care of yourself

do things only for you such as

exercising more eating healthy food and

making sure you get enough sleep

and third have some regular alone time

use that time to discover who you really

are and what you like about yourself

even consider going away on a retreat

somewhere nobody knows you

reflect on your life and practice taking

responsibility for your own needs

as we already mentioned nice guys always

try to meet the needs of others

they do this while trying to be low

maintenance themselves

why do they do this

well again it stems back to Childhood

issues often as a child their needs

weren't met promptly

this led them to think that they were

bad for having needs in the first place

and that it was because of their needs

that people ended up abandoning or

hurting them

this continues into adulthood

nice guys have developed survival

mechanisms in a misguided response to

this

they try to appear not to have any needs

themselves but in reality they're very

needy

this results in nice guys trying to

obtain their needs through means that

are indirect manipulative and

controlling

they even make it difficult for people

to give to them and in extreme cases to

make sure they don't get what they want

they connect with fellow needy people

and push other people away

they often revert to covert contracts to

get what they want to

these are unspoken agreements which go

along the lines of if you do this I'll

do that and we'll pretend that this

contract doesn't exist

so remember that having needs is

perfectly human

make a decision to start making your own

needs a priority

what might surprise you is that when you

do that everyone around you will benefit

too

section 4. how can I reclaim my personal

power and masculinity

personal power is the power within you

to meet problems challenges and

adversity head on

when you exhibit personal power not only

do you deal with these you actively

welcome them it's not that you're

unafraid

actually it's because you are afraid

that you have the power

you simply don't give in to your fear

so what can you do to reclaim that

personal power

here are six things you can start today

first surrender

let go of the things you can't control

personally

second

Stop Believing things about people in

situations that aren't based on reality

third Express and embrace your feelings

when you're in touch with your feelings

it makes you powerful assertive and

energized

everyone has feelings so face up to your

own and recognize that others also have

feelings

let go of the unnecessary baggage you're

carrying around with you too

then face your fears

healthy fear lets you sense Danger

nice guys on the other hand also have

memory fear which originates and you may

remember this from earlier from not

getting their needs met promptly when

they were children

stop playing it safe and face those

fears

remember that whatever happens you can

handle it

fifth develop integrity

don't rely on others or second guessing

what others would think is the right

course of action decide what you believe

to be right and do it

and finally set boundaries

don't go overboard with this only resist

as much as is necessary

remember that if someone crosses your

boundaries it's not the other person's

problem it's yours

as a nice guy up to now you've let other

people know that it's okay to violate

your boundaries

as you change and take responsibility

the behavior of those around you will

also change and as a result your

relationships will have more chance to

not only survive but grow stronger too

and what about your masculinity

as a result of the social changes which

began after World War II and which

continue to this day boys and men often

believe that they have to hide what are

considered to be negative male traits

instead they think they have to become

what they think women want them to be if

they're to be loved and have a smooth

life

the result is generations of men who've

become more and more passive

disconnected from other men disconnected

from their masculinity and dependent on

approval from women

but without her masculinity Clover

posits as a species we'd have become

extinct many eons ago

masculinity not only gives men strength

discipline and courage but also passion

persistence and integrity

unfortunately it's also associated with

bad traits such as aggression

destruction and brutality

the suppression of these negative traits

by Nice Guys in their attempt to please

women also results in the repression of

other positive aspects the result

loss of sexual assertiveness

competitiveness creativity and ego

Glover also says it leads to a loss of

leadership in the family too leaving it

solely up to women to lead instead

so how can you as Glover puts it get

your testicles back

first connect with other men do some guy

things with other guys

perhaps you could join a sports team go

to a poker night do some volunteer work

together or simply hang out

then get strong

stop filling your body with junk and get

fit through swimming weight training

martial arts or other sports that will

build your physical strength

and third find some healthy male role

models

think about what they would look like

and the traits they would have

find some men like that observe how they

behave in the world and learn about what

manhood is about

section five

how can I get the love and the sex that

I want

here's the thing you're never going to

find the perfect partner and your

relationship is never going to be

perfect either

so to help you get the love you want

here are two things that you can do to

make sure your relationship works

first approve of yourself

live your life exactly how you want

people who like you for who you are will

stick around and those who don't well

they won't

second set boundaries

when you do this you create an

atmosphere where you and your partner

can be intimate and vulnerable together

your partner feels secure and in turn

loved

boundaries will create respect between

you and your partner

and here's something for you to think

about if you're single or your

relationship has come to an end

do something different

don't choose the same kind of partner

break the nice guy cycle of picking

someone who needs help or has had bad

relationships or money problems in the

past

find someone who's taking responsibility

for their own life

and another important thing don't let

the relationship become sexual until you

really know the other person

why

because once your relationship becomes

sexual you stop learning about each

other and it becomes more difficult to

break up if you discover things about

your partner that are unacceptable to

you

and what about when it does come to sex

well almost all nice guys Glover has

worked with have had some form of

unaddressed fear and shame about being

sexual and about sexual beings

sex is where everything their toxic

shame Their Fear of Abandonment and

their Myriad dysfunctional coping

mechanisms become Amplified

the way this manifests itself includes

not getting enough having dissatisfying

sex sexual dysfunction sexual repression

or some form of sexual compulsion

and that could be a pornography

addiction peep shows cyber sex using 900

numbers or even frequenting prostitutes

so what can you do about this

the first thing to do is to get that

fear and shame out in the open where it

belongs

do not skip this step

talk about your sexuality your sexual

history and your experiences

share pornography that you find arousing

and while you do all this don't repress

your feelings whether those be shame

guilt fear or even arousal

next learn to take matters into your own

hands

literally

before you can have really passionate

fulfilling sexual experiences you must

learn to experience the Same by yourself

through healthy masturbation

and that means without pornography or

fantasizing

after all if you can't pleasure yourself

without such distractions it's likely

you won't be able to with someone else

without the need for similar

distractions

learn what feels good to you and become

responsible for your own sexual pleasure

and finally don't settle for anything

less than good sex

and that means two individuals each

taking responsibility for meeting their

own needs

so let go of the idea that you need to

be a good lover for everyone but

yourself

be clear and direct about what you want

and choose an available partner

bad sex is not better than no sex

Glover says you need to follow the

example of the bull moose

be competitive strong Fierce and

sexually proud

bull mooses are just what they are and

they do just what they want to do and

that attracts their prospective mates

we've come to the end of our blink to Dr

Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy so here's a

quick recap and some final thoughts

you've seen what constitutes a nice guy

and how childhood experiences can create

nice guy syndrome

you've also discovered what you can do

to recover from this

but now there are two final questions

you should ask yourself about your life

is the life you're creating the one you

want

and if the answer is no why not

the most probable answer to that second

question is that fear is getting in the

way

most nice guys are controlled by their

fear it's fear that stops you from

asking for the raise you deserve

it's fear that stops you from continuing

your education

it's fear that stops you from setting up

your own business it's fear that stops

you from living where you want to live

and above all it's fear that makes you

afraid of your own success

so stop settling for your current

reality and face your fears head on

chart your own life and take

responsibility for getting what you want

visualize it work at it and make your

dream your reality

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